《Narcissus and Goldmund》


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    Outside trance of ter,  tree stood close to t  cnut, urdy trunk and a full round cro sly in t from Italy many years earlier by a monk  ed until all trees  trees ing its o leaves; test nig drove te s exotic blossoms out tufts of leaves, filling t fragrance. In October, after ts, tumn s out of trees burniser students iful treetop—secret kin to tals slender sandstone columns and tone ornaments of ts and pillars, loved by tins—ser entrance, a conspicuous outsider in tives.

    Generations of cloister boys passed beneatree, carrying ting tablets, cting, laug or so t beteets. t most of tayed for life, becoming novices and monks; t and cincture, read books, tauger finisudies aken s to castles, or to mercs and artisans  out into ts or ts. turned to ter occasionally as grotle sons to be taugs, stood for a nut tree, ter, bets and trim double columns of red stone, eacration, ruling; many kinds of arts and sciences—tion to anotten and annotated, systems invented, ancient scrolls collected, need, tered, ty smiled upon. Erudition and piety, simplicity and cunning, testaments and te and black magic—a little of eacation and repentance, for gregariousness and terest y of t abbot or tendency of t times ters reputation for exorcism and demon-detecting tract visitors; at otimes ter s fine music, or for a o ag-liver pies served in tory. And among ting or fat, en.

    Even noer of Mariabronn s midst to tories, c Daniel and Brotter ly entered on iate, s, been appointed a teac all tradition. t and tanding in ty and cimes slandered.

    Most brot for y, and y. Only trifle condescending in tion for liness, Abbot Daniel  in  and soever.

    tted t ts simplicity  Greek, impeccable manners, quietly penetrating tiful, slined lips. traordinary Greek; almost all ty and refinement. Many quite simply loved  tably ted reme reserve, self-control, and exquisite manners.

    Abbot and novice, eace and ruled and suffered in  closer and more drao eaco anyone else in ter, yet neito t at ease in t treated test solicitude,  ive, pered ts every order, counsel, and good  equanimity, never argued or sulked, and if t er at concealing it. to be said against  and no one c, apart from tinction surrounded .

    Once, after confession, t said to ;Narcissus, I admit t I am guilty of en I , and perice. You are very muc no friends. I ime to time, but I en do. But you never misbe you a little, Narcissus.quot;

    t.

    quot;I o le fat may  I am arrogant. If so, I beg you to punisimes I feel an urge to puniso a age, fat;

    quot;You are too young for eit; said t. quot;Besides, you are eminently gifted in speec. to assign you loalents. In all probability you eac not your own wis;

    quot;Forgive me, fat certain udy,  be ot I do not believe t my life ed to study. A mans ermine iny, ermining, factors.quot;

    t listened gravely. Still, a smile played about ;Insofar as I o knoendency, especially ion. But tell me, since you believe t you iny, tell me ined for?quot;

    Narcissus let il t answer.

    quot;Speak, my son,quot; t ordered after mucing.

    In a lole fat I am destined above all else for cloister life. I believe t I s, a prior, per. I do not believe t t, I do not wis;

    Bot for a long time.

    quot; gives you t; tantly. quot; talent is t expresses itself in t;

    quot;It is a capacity to sense ters and destiny of people,quot; Narcissus said slo;not only my oiny, but t of ot obliges me to serve ot born for cloister life, I so become a judge or a statesman.quot;

    quot;Per; nodded t. quot;ested your capacity to recognize peoples cers and destinies? ;

    quot;I ;

    quot;Are you o give me an example?quot;

    quot;I am.quot;

    quot;Very  o ts of our brot t perell me  me, your Abbot Daniel.quot;

    Narcissus raised  in the eye.

    quot;Is t an order, gentle fat;

    quot;An order.quot;

    quot;I find it difficult to speak, fat;

    quot;And I, my young brot difficult to force you to speak. And yet I do. Speak.quot;

    Narcissus botle of you, gentle fat you are a servant of God age and listen to peasants confessions ter. I kno you  most of your prayers are addressed to  Greek and similar subjects t are studied in ter do not lead to confusion and danger. Occasionally you pray for continued patience imes you pray for a gentle end. And I t your prayer le.quot;

    It ill in ts small office. At last the old man spoke.

    quot;You are a romantic and you ; said tleman in a friendly voice. quot;But even pious, friendly visions may trick us; do not rely on tic brot I t tter in my ?quot;

    quot;Fat you s about it. You are tly in danger. ates too muc  I s is ;

    t rose and smiled. o to take his leave.

    quot;All rig; ;Do not take your visions altogetoo seriously, my young brot us assume t you tered an old man by promising  us assume t, for an instant, to  is sufficient for noomorroer early mass. You  ion, not superficially. And I s;

    On anot Daniel o settle a disagreement bet of teac of teacely urged troduction of certain cified ts; but out of a kind of jealousy Fato il Narcissus, ;ell, Narcissus, let us put an end to t yours. You are not my colleague, you are my assistant, you must do as I say. But since tter seems so important to you and since I am your superior only by rank and not by knoalent, I  take t tter to our fat and let ;

    t Daniel listened le patience as t tions of teaching of grammar.

    After eacated  of vie, t tly, and said: quot;My dear brot I knoers as you do. I commend Narcissus for erest in to  to improve teac opinion, Narcissus must be silent and obey, because no improvement of test disturbance of order and obedience in t kno t is t cure for pride.quot; it  during t fe to keep an eye on teaco see if ored.

    And t  a neer  pass unremarked and unremembered. An adolescent, previously enrolled by o study at ter scetnut tree; ter came out to meet them.

    t tree still bare er. quot;Ive never seen a tree like t,quot; ; a strange, beautiful tree. I  is called.quot;

    tleman ly pinctention to ion. But ter, old rees name. t ;I am Goldmund, Ill be going to sc; ter smiled and led tal and up tone steps, and Goldmund entered ter   tree and ter.

    Fat by t  imes troduced ed to stay for a er. But ed only for a nig o ride back t day. er as a gift, and it ed. ion eous and cool; but bot and priest looked fully silent Goldmund. taken an immediate liking to te, good-looking boy. it regret, t t to keep taken to see teacudents dormitory. Sad-faced and respectful, o ood gazing after il e of ters outer ear urned a ter o give  on the shoulder.

    quot;Young master,quot; ;dont be sad. Most everyone is a little  first, for ers. But youll see: life isnt bad  bad at all.quot;

    quot;ter,quot; said t;I ers, and no mot;

    quot;Youll find sces o make up for o me.quot;

    Goldmund smiled at ;t beo say o ;

    ter led o table beside talls Goldmund found ttle broer. retco tenderly, and ;ill? ill remember our tle  youve stayed, Ill come to see you often.quot; From t  into small pieces, and fed it to ter across a courtyard as place of a large city, srees. At te er and s o terday, laugtle, bluser to take er o do. ered tting on bencant teacurned his head.

    quot;I am Goldmund,quot; ;t;

    Narcissus nodded to  a smile, indicated a seat on t on he lesson.

    Goldmund sat doeaced to find teacern, yet so cer o  ion. Not far aable le bit of eacrolled, matter-of-fact yet compelling voice. ened gratefully, alt at first understanding t of to feel o seek t morning ill tired from to tle. But noeacook pleasure in traig iring voice.

    But arted and realized a little s e some time. And  to realize it; ticed too and passed it on in  him from all sides.

    quot;; asked one of th a grin.

    quot;A fine sc; jeered anot;o be a true pillar of t lesson!quot;

    quot;Lets put to bed,quot; proposed anoto carry er.

    Goldmund artled; it made ruck out at tried to free  puncimes, and o till . o be standing nearest, and  fistfigrong; everyone c eagerly. ood es before  suddenly ttered and ered and faced till standing on t, alone. Astonis t of a flus scarred face.

    quot; o you?quot; Fatin asked quot;Arent you Goldmund? ;

    quot;O; said t;I got even ;

    quot;it;

    quot;I dont kno kno. One of t ;

    quot;art it?quot;

    quot;Im not sure. No, I guess I started it myself. teasing me and I got angry.quot;

    quot;An auspicious beginning, my boy. Noen to me. If I catcing in to supper!quot;

    itcrying to smootousled blond h his fingers as he ran.

    Goldmund t t  act in ter edly, es at table. But t.  moment on  t o the school.

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    Alterms  made a real friend. tes for icular affinity, let alone fondness. And to t, tfig taken for a roudent riving for scholarly laurels.

    ter to ant teac t t . tracted by y,  ask, by  gestures. o become t of to be in antly, obedient and serving, to bring ion and dedication, to learn a pure, noble, saintly life from  only to finiser sc to remain in ter, indefinitely pering o God. tention, as it  lay upon t boy, an original burden, a secret destiny of atonement and sacrifice. Even t  a, alts and clearly expressed t er forever. Some secret flataco Goldmunds birt sougion. But t felt little sympatance ered e reserve, dismissing ts as not particularly important.

    tion uition, but  come foroo e of t contrasts. Narcissus  youtical, a t sometrasts: bot from ts and signs; bote.

    Narcissus took an ardent interest in ter and destiny o recognize. Fervently Goldmund admired iful, outstandingly intelligent teac Goldmund imid; to court Narcissus o ex tentive, eager student. But more timidity o  o emulate simultaneously t and tremely intelligent, learned, brilliant Brot every fiber of rove to attain tible ideals. It caused  mont ter sc orn, so confused,  strongly tempted to run ao take  on es. Sometimes a bit of innocent teasing or a prank ir suced boy t tmost control o  in; urn a and deato table to find Bless, lean  t out. Gradually iceable. he laugh all liked so much.

    knoermined, to be a good sco begin iate as soon as possible, and after t to become a quiet, prayerful monk of ter.  all rengtalent drove torangely sad to find tiful goal so difficult to attain. Occasionally o detect eful moods and tendencies in racted, uno learn. aste against tin teacient es. And  confusing  o fig Daniel. Yet at moments  almost certain t Narcissus loved   ing for him.

    Narcissuss ts ed t boy as a friend. e, ; o adopt, lead, enligrengto bloom. But  all of t of all,  tied and aste for teacoo frequently, fell in love en enoug  ticements and cajoleries tal. ood tter no emptation to love to make o run a caressing  , never. Moreover, as a mere tutor,  not tion or ty of a teacious and co conducting y years to forbidding ernly all partiality too forcing o particular fairness and concern for turally repugnant to o t ed rict life. Only secretly, during  unguarded moments, did  ter empting a friends could only be a danger;  never let it toucence. to serve to serve t, superior, self-negating guidance of  only of oward ual goals.

    For a year or more, Goldmund udent at ter scimes es under trees in tyard and under tiful cnut tree—ball games, races, sno tired and sick and often  o stay arate.

    to e  met during a fistfigo study Euclid t er. It er supper, an ion o play in tories, to alk in ter cloister yard.

    quot;Goldmund,quot; airs after ;I  to tell you somet youre sucudent—youll probably end up a bis you must give me your  tell teac;

    Goldmund immediately gave er udent radicted t. But, as anyed tten one; ry to evade student la.

    Adolf dragged side trees. trong-ed classmates—udent tradition, of reminding t t monks. teal aer for an evening in t ure no decent felloaking part in; later during t they would sneak back again.

    quot;But tes are locked at t ; Goldmund objected.

    Of course t  t o get back inside unnoticed; it  be t time.

    Goldmund recalled ;going to t; It stood for boys nocturnal escapades, for all kinds of secret adventures and pleasures o t;  time ood only too  t ; considered it a point of o take t it ain distinction to be asked to join in ture.

    o say no, to run back and go to bed.  tired and   slig of Adolf. And side ter, somet mig lessness and all kinds of pain. It o t and forbidden, noto feel proud of. Still, per o talk; suddenly he laughed and said yes.

    Unobserved, t under trees in t darkening courtyard; ter gate o ter mill t, unseen in t o a pile of slippery- planks, one of o cross ttle stream. And noside, on tening road t disappeared into t. All ting and secret;  very much.

    At t te, Konrad; ted for a long time and ramped t. Nigle of ars peeked  and brig clouds. Konrad ctered and joked. Occasionally  ty of nig made ts beat faster.

    After barely an o t. It seemed asleep. tly, criss-crossed by dark ribs of timber; t a lig, on tiptoe, tood in a garden, sank into t eartumbled over steps, stopped by t a ster, ed, knocked again. t ster opened, and one after to a kitciny oil lamp anding on tove, its feeble flame flickering on a t girl,  truders. Anotepped out of t one, a young t gifts for te cloister bread, and sometolen incense per Goldmund, or candle  out of tco tayed aed on it and offered to Konrad. , passed it on. t rong apple cider.

    In t of tiny lamp t dotle stools and tudents around terruptions for sips of cider, Adolf and Konrad making most of tion. From time to time one of t up and caress to ouc, and tty one ter of t  make. It  iful, out of ting but not dangerous. Forbidden yes, but even so transgression did not burden ones conscience. ing girls at nig forbidden;  it  not for  ined for tic life of a monk, and playing  permitted   pounded  of tchen.

    t of talk idbits of Latin. t girl seemed to like all to tle caresses, a timid kiss at most. to knoly ted. And since tion o be  t Goldmund did not see it t o t saying a raigo look at t no one but  t especially ime rayed to t quiet face of ted on aring at hough she were spellbound.

    An udents ed tion and caresses; t in embarrassed silence; Ebero ya girl said it ime to leave. tood up, s. t. Konrad  to climb out t,  a  stop; once outside on turned  of the window.

    quot;Goldmund!quot; sood and ed.

    quot;Are you coming back?quot; simid voice h.

    Goldmund s  il her dark eyes were close before his.

    quot;Do come back!quot; souched his in a childs kiss.

    Quickly oppled across t eartore rotted after t of to. quot;Never again!quot; commanded ;Again! tomorro; begged .

    Nobody surprised t ourn to Mariabronn, across ttle stream, trees, along secret passageo ter and tory.

    Big Ebero be puncime for early mass, morning soup and assembly in torium; but Goldmund looked pale, so pale Fatin asked   all rig during Greek, around noon, Narcissus did not take oo, sa Goldmund  said notc t o to avoid rousing tudents curiosity, and followed here.

    quot;Goldmund,quot; ;can I rouble. Per feeling o bed and send you some soup and a glass of ;

    For a long   of troubled eyes,  again. ed to speak but could not. Suddenly o one side, leaned ern, betern, and burst into suc  Narcissus felt embarrassed and averted ime before touco raise him up.

    quot;All rig;  ;All rig  ter. t doo speak. I can see t it oo muc  for you to stay on your feet all morning  letting anyone notice; youve been very courageous. eep no is t you can do. No? All finis so soon? All rigo tter. Lets go.quot;

    o t to pass any study ed to one of ty beds and left tly began to undress, and  to to  on t.  tory, treats ter ually allo greatly oo sick.

    Goldmund lay on trying to t of o  so indescribably tired today, rain on t e, constantly reneantly failing effort to forget last nig not t itself, not ter, or t, or t bridge across ttle black stream be of gardens, t tside tcouch of her lips.

    But noaken trouble over inguiselligent young teacly sarcastic mout  of ood before ammering embarrassment, and arted to baead of  ual oicism, . Never  shame.

    But  tension. t loneliness of t more ts impact. After an  a gruel soup, a piece of s normally drank only on e and drank, emptied e, pus aside, started to t couldnt, reace a feer, tly opened and Narcissus came in to look after ient, Goldmund o  ime, y, and also a slig Goldmund  ill; to send omorro  t today it ime  be ance and love. And from to accept it,  to come to t some day.

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    It  pleased only a fe times it seemed to displease even two friends.

    At first it ime of it. All o o give in to an attraction  t it first.  of time s destiny, its depts significance. For a long time  o er o lead oion. ito ted te.

    For Goldmund it  first, a convalescence.  time imidated, by tty girl. Deep inside  to noion, tened at t by t o lead ted t youtoic  t furtive encounter, at lifes first appeal to  t beckoning of femininity  t te e need toed to love, to abandon  sinning, to give  to an admired older friend, more intelligent to spiritualize to transform to nobler fires of sacrifice.

    But during t spring of t unfamiliar obstacles, unexpected, incompreening demands. It never occurred to o see radiction, t opposite of  t only love, only sincere devotion o fuse to one, to  differences and bridge contrasts. But ive t abandonment, grateful ogeto  seem to understand, to tolerate dreamy strolls on pat led in no particular direction. ters of sc passages in books, opened neo approve of e often o be smiling, seemed not to take  t t mere pedantry, not just telligent, but t t, sometant. But o recognize ten made .

    Actually Narcissus recognized ies only too o ty, tal force of nature in  bent on feeding Greek to a fervent young soul, on repaying an innocent love rary,  altogetoo muco  a natural condition but a miracle. to fall in love  permitted  be content emplation of t. Not even for a second could  t ined for monkisicism and a lifelong striving for saintliness, Narcissus ruly destined for t life. to ted only in its  form. Narcissus did not believe in Goldmunds calling to be an ascetic. o read people more clearly t, and y. ure and understood it deeply, in spite of trasts, because it   ture s of upbringing and paternal  of t  do: reveal t to its bearer, free rue nature. It  per would make him lose his friend.

    ite caution o  by before a serious approace of t, tring aut betion only to  breaktried to discover  o. It turned out to be less difficult ted. Goldmund  to confess t nig tside t, ed enoug   a moment ly ed at t, Goldmund immediately said, quot;If only you  and able to confess me; I  matter in confession and I  I couldnt tell my confessor.quot;

    Carefully, s;You remember to be ill,quot; ured. quot;You cant ten, since t en. Per notice, but I  morning.quot;

    quot;You ; cried ;But I  o utter a  moment; I t I could never face you again. You ;

    Narcissus groped ahead.

    quot;I understand,quot; ;It must  for you. Suco tears in front of a stranger, and a teac t, it e out of cer. ell, t morning I merely t you otle may berangely. But you  ill. You  is o somet overpo;

    Goldmund ated a second, t;Yes, somets pretend youre my confessor; sooner or later t be told.quot;

    itold ory of t night.

    Smilingly, Narcissus replied: quot;ell yes, going to t one can do all kinds of forbidden t is t; t you commit ttle foolisudents?  is so terrible about t?quot;

    Angrily,   out: quot;You do talk like a scer! You kno is all about! Of course I dont see a great sin in breaking to play a student prank, alts not exactly part of tory training for cloister life.quot;

    quot;Just a moment, my friend,quot; Narcissus called s;Dont you kno many pious fat t kind of preparatory training? Dont you kno a rels life may be one of test roads to saint;

    quot;O lecture!quot; protested Goldmund. quot;It  a trifling disobedience t   girl. I cant describe tion to you. It  if I gave in to ticement, if I merely reac to touco turn back, t sin  give me up ever. t it iful dream, of all virtue, of all love of God and good.quot;

    Narcissus nodded, deep in t.

    quot;Love of God,quot; ;is not al  simple. e kno is ten in ts. But God is not contained only in ts, you knoesimal part of s and be far from God.quot;

    quot;But dont you understand?quot; Goldmund complained.

    quot;Certainly I understand. You feel t  t crus you could confess t;

    quot;Yes, t is exactly ;

    quot;You see, I do understand. Youre not so terribly er all; tory of Eve and t is certainly no idle tale. And yet you are not rig t if you  Daniel, or your baptismal saint, tom, or a bis, even a simple monk. But you arent. You are a student, and alto remain in ter for life, or your fat for you, still you  taken any voed. If some pretty girl o tempt you one of to give in to temptation, you  ;

    quot;No ten vo; Goldmund cried edly. quot;But an unten one, t sacred, somet you see t to many ot not to me? You  been consecrated eitaken any vo, but you  yourself to toucaken? Isnt t  you t you  you long ago, in your , make t  yet been made  you feel bound by it forever? Arent you exactly like me?quot;

    quot;No, Goldmund, I am not like you, not in too, am keeping an unspoken vo respect you are rig I am in no  I am going to say to you noerly unlike me you are.quot;

    Goldmund unned; Narcissuss expression and tone permitted no contradiction. .  ake  all seriously? Did  a crange friendship were beginning all over again.

    Narcissus no longer  about ture of Goldmunds secret. It   possible t t ter antagonism in suciful, ? t be a secret enemy  t urn  ural urges. to be discovered, o be conjured up and made visible; only t be defeated.

    Mean neglected by rayed.  nature. Even tain t no vice could be suspected ed to see toget seemed t tting t from tly, as tocrats for  in keeping er spirit, not Cian.

    Many t tions, slander—reac Daniel. y years of cloister life; to cloister life and  tradition, sometimes amusing, sometimes a danger. ed, c intervene. Suc, exclusive friends undangerous, but since  for an instant doubt its purity, o let it take its course. If it  been for Narcissuss exceptional position among students and teac  ated to place a feing rules bet  good for Goldmund to es and to be in close association only eac  permissible to disturb traordinary, ed Narcissus, eacion?  proved eaco partiality and neglectfulness, t  to be   knes, of rating, perly presumptuous, insigo people.  overestimate ts, o s; but  doubt t Narcissus iced sometudent Goldmund, t ter ter. ,  noticed anyt Goldmund, apart from ure, and perain eagerness, a some made  ill a student and a boarder, as to ter and o fear t Narcissus ure touc  on.   infect ain spiritual pride and erudite arrogance; but ticular pupil; it  and see.   o rule over average ratrong or exceptional cers, o sig going to let ed by suspicions;  eful for tional rusted to his care.

    Narcissus pondered a great deal about  of spotting and emotionally recognizing ture and destiny of otold  Goldmund. All t  in too clearly: rong ually, perist, but at any rate a person  potential for love, o give ive senses so set on leading tic life of t at great lengt it.  Goldmunds fatermination. Could t?  spell  over o make  tiny, y?  sort of a person en intentionally touc of tly spoken of   imagine  see  not strange and suspicious? old a story about a trout  as a boy, ated ted a vivid picture. ant, po figure in Goldmunds life, o describe ly, to conjure up vivid images of  t like imes  w gave o his soul?

    Goldmund also brooded a great deal.  en  sensation of not being taken seriously, of being treated a little like a c did it mean   like him?

    Yet t fill all of Goldmunds days.  able to too long at a time. to be done in ten  to see ter,  terms. unity to ride tenants, especially en stalk otters es flour,  by t. Alt time ill remained a number of s and pleasures. And usually to o sing in tudent co say a rosary in front of a favorite altar, to listen to tiful Latin of to see tacles and ornaments glitter t venerable saints figures standing on columns, ts s, St. Jacob  and pilgrims satchel.

    draoone figures; o t tood in secret relationso al, omniscient godfatected and guided  t bond and love for tals of tar ornaments, for tifully profiled staves and s of sprouting leaves t burst from tone of tly and intensely. It seemed a valuable, intimate secret to , outside of nature s plants and creatures, ted a second, silent, man-made nature: ts, and plants of stone and imes ried to draw real flowers, horses, human faces.

    And antly recurring r meaning adoringly, or  t  notes, t oo, y. urgy.

    And every so often, for brief moments, rangement t  in bet annoyed and bored o find ion and coolness. Every so often art a taciturn bed neigting;  it for an iating   ention, an invitation to quot;go to t; tened and quickly drao to forget t never—to think of her any more.

 4

    Narcissuss long siege  succeeded in bringing Goldmunds secret out into time ly labored in vain to aeac could be told.

    Goldmunds description of ure. ted, and t a pallid name. Narcissus, to recognize t Goldmund  of ances or some kind of magic poed a portion of t.  notioning and teac imated the power of logic and spoken many useless words.

    But t bound o  of spending mucime toget been fruitless. In spite of t differences of ters, eaco being bet , t secret lanes. Gradually tive pos and expressions, making and—and sympations and feelings,  need for o soul developed in ter. t is ion bet neited—a conversation t touc t new, far-reacs.

    talking about astrology, a forbidden science t  pursued in ter. Narcissus  astrology tempt to arrange and order t types of o tures and destinies. At t Goldmund ed: quot;Youre forever talking of differences—Ive finally recognized a pet t difference t is supposed to exist betance, it seems to me t t your strange determination to establis;

    Narcissus: quot;Yes. Youve  ts it: to you, differences are quite unimportant; to me, t matters most. I am a scure; science is my vocation. And science is, to quote your  termination to establiss essence couldnt be defined more accurately. For us, tant as tablis of differences; science is t of differentiation. Discovering in every man t winguiso know ;

    Goldmund: quot;If you like. One man  you. But coo,  any science.quot;

    Narcissus: quot;But ell one from t;

    Goldmund: quot;Neit;

    Narcissus: quot;Per can. Not t science is more intelligent t it ience; it remembers more t t obvious ceristics.quot;

    Goldmund: quot;So does any intelligent co put it plainly: you learned men are arrogant, you alupid. One can be extremely intelligent  learning.quot;

    Narcissus: quot;I am glad t youre beginning to realize t. Youll soon realize, too, t I dont mean intelligence  say, you are more intelligent, or less intelligent; better or .quot;

    Goldmund: quot;ts easy enougo understand. But you dont speak only of our difference in cer; you often speak also of te, in destiny. ance, siny be different from mine? e are botians, o lead ter, ernal bliss. Our destiny is turn to God.quot;

    Narcissus: quot;Very good. true, in tly like anot not in life. take Our Saviours favorite disciple, Jo ed  otrayed  tiny.quot;

    Goldmund: quot;Narcissus, you are a sop. ell never come toget kind of road.quot;

    Narcissus: quot;No road oget;

    Goldmund: quot;Dont speak like t.quot;

    Narcissus: quot;Im serious. e are not meant to come toget any more t to come toget is not our purpose to become eac is to recognize eaco learn to see t e and complement.quot;

    Goldmund was perplexed. he bowed his head, and his face was sad.

    Finally ;Is t  take my ts seriously?quot;

    Narcissus ated before ;Yes, t is  used to t. Believe me, t an intonation in your voice, not a gesture, not a smile t I dont take seriously. But your ts I take less seriously. I take seriously all t I find essential and necessary in you.  particular attention paid to your ts, ;

    Goldmund smiled bitterly: quot;Youve al;

    Narcissus remained firm: quot;Part of your t I consider a c. Remember elligent c be less intelligent t o assert its opinion in matters of learning, t take it seriously.quot;

    Goldmund said ;You smile at me even ters of learning! For instance, you al as ty, my efforts to advance my studies, my desire to become a monk ;

    Narcissus looked at ;I take you seriously  al a sc a monk—sc learned or logical or pious enougrary, you are not enoug;

    Perplexed and even , Goldmund er tion. And yet a feer o ime Narcissus o give Goldmund a picture of t natures t able.

    Narcissus alked o a fever;  t Goldmund ing  o temptation to say more tended;  himself be carried away by his own words.

    quot;Look,quot; ;I am superior to you only in one point: Im aimes. I call a man ao learn t about yourself is tential reason for your  me. In your case, mind and nature, consciousness and dream . Youve forgotten your c cries for you from t il you .

    quot;But enoug! Being aronger t in  is  you are superior to me, my dear Goldmund—or rat;

    Goldmund ened onis, but at t;youve forgotten your c;  notice; en kept s raigo find  see Goldmunds face tch suddenly.

    quot;I … superior to you!quot; stammered Goldmund, feeling as though his whole body had been lamed.

    quot;; Narcissus continued. quot;Natures of your kind, rong, delicate senses, ted, ts, lovers are almost alo us creatures of take your being from your motrengty to feel. ures of reason,  live fully; en seem to guide and rule you. Yours is tude of life, t, tiful landscape of art. Your ing in an airless void. You are an artist; I am a t t; I . For me tars. Your dreams are of girls; mine of boys …quot;

    Goldmund listened, orical self-intoxication. Several ruck Goldmund like so and asked  ;Once I broke do of you and burst into tears—you remember. t must not  once and let me be alone. Youve said terrible o me.quot;

    Narcissus  ter ternation t some of ed o t o leave  t moment and ated a second or t Goldmunds fro o allow ude he needed.

    time treme tension in Goldmunds soul did not dissolve itself in tears. ill, feeling deeply, desperately o . ally contracted , a ful o be looked in t time tears to overcome t t  ful?

    ed, pusing  o free s of a sest, loneliest parts of ter, tair into to t refuge of ter, into t of tretc flo of roses drifted tony air in s ant threads.

    it kno, Narcissus  out into touc in Goldmunds , er, looking for   find him.

    Goldmund anding under one of tone arc led from t into ttle cloister garden; on eacone-carved  o, toc , knotted omacal of one of to feel t trous ting, glaring, barking inside him.

    quot;Im going to die any moment,quot;  error. quot;Ill lose my mind and ts ;

    c t of too great; . ed; he drowned in longed-for oblivion.

    It isfactory day for Abbot Daniel. to ement, full of accusations, bringing up petty old jealousies, squabbling furiously. ened to togetoo long, ility in , ood up again, unrefresepped out into t a moment for some air, attracted by t on tones.  ened by teness of t  been a good day, and noo top it all! ried to lift t  up to t. ito call to carry Goldmund upstairs and to send Fato er p for Brother Narcissus, who soon appeared before him.

    quot;; he asked.

    quot;About Goldmund? Yes, gentle fat  aken ill or  and ;

    quot;Yes, I found ,   an accident t ed. I dont like t o me t you are someed , or at least kno, since you are so intimate. t is w;

    itrol of bearing and speec of ion s surprisingly violent effect on  s  ill humor.

    quot;trange conversations,quot; o remain calm. quot; you  described to me is a conversation t migerference  I migion. But youre not Goldmunds confessor. You are no ones confessor; you  been ordained.  t you discussed matters one of an adviser, t concern no one but ;

    quot;t; Narcissus said in a mild but firm voice, quot;are not yet knoo us, gentle fat frigion, but I  t tion ;

    quot;e s speaking of tion.  prompted you to ions ;

    quot;As you knoand icularly  I acted to t I knele better t;

    t shrugged.

    quot;I kno is your métier. Let us  you did not cause any . But is Goldmund ill? I mean, is anyt badly? ;

    quot;No, until today  is.quot;

    quot;And ot;

    quot; an age ;

    quot;I kno;

    quot;een.quot;

    quot;Eig is late enoug truggles are natural; everybody goes t is no reason to say t ;

    quot;No, gentle fat is not t Goldmunds soul ime; t is en a part of .quot;

    quot;A part is t?quot;

    quot;ed  kno  t lie tly, except t   an early age. I   it must be from  ed most of s, because ion of  make alented, original son. Notold me; I deduced it from signs.quot;

    At first t ly at t-sounding speecter roublesome co o t brittle, distrustful man; no time, uttered about Goldmunds mot s s ried to suppress t ed from   probably succeeded, because to offer o God, in atonement for hers sins.

    Never  less today. And yet—o know Goldmund.

    ion about t;I  intended to upset Goldmund so violently. I reminded   knoen  ruck rated ting so long.  me as ten told

    really a t.quot;

    a scolding but ion not to visit time being.

    Meano bed and ting beside  deemed it advisable to so consciousness by violent means. togetoo sick. Out of . Mean. t en somet kind of times. t congue.  tle use for  precocious, overly young teac o to do upid miser, ture, picked t scures of this world!

    er, and t came in, Fatill sitting beside taring into t a dear, trusting young face to sit beside it, o  migo a colic, of course;  o torted face, toated to formulate to  and observe. But if t grimly,  o look far for t, and  ime of it.

    t stepped up to t over tly drehe eyelids.

    quot;Can ; he asked.

    quot;Id rat a bit longer.  is sound. e must not let anyone in to see ;

    quot;Is ;

    quot;I dont t any race of a blo;

    quot;Do you t could be ;

    quot;I  rule t out. Do  dispute, an insult? t ainly explain it.quot;

    quot;e kno no one is alloo see ay il o. If anyts in t.quot;

    Before leaving, t once more over t of t to aken to art. oo, o see er. But Narcissus ainly rig: not all our striving! ful of t rig no one in till a novice,  been consecrated,  a monk, and  t ile? God alone knely y.

    It y, dizzy.   not  t; it didnt matter. But range land of experience urned? o some far-a also frigtable—and yet ten it.  been?   t o  had vanished again?

    ened deeply inside o t place from oday, angles of images rose before  of roses. t! ! Again he fell asleep.

    As  all, radiant  time  ;You ten your c; But , found it. Narcissuss voice. Narcissus? In a flasains of rubbisfulness vanis  -blue eyes.

    Fatir, ly ood up.

    quot;Is someone in t; Goldmund asked.

    quot;It is I,  t on.quot;

    ed ts glow fell over his well-meaning, wrinkled face.

    quot;But am I ill?quot; asked the boy.

    quot;You fainted, son.  your s take a look at your pulse. ;

    quot;Fine. t tired.quot;

    quot;I bet you are. And youll go rigo sleep. But first youll  s all made and ready. Lets drain a mug togeto good fellows;

    a small pitc wine in readiness.

    quot;So ; laug;A fine nig keep aion, my boy. Not ttle secret drinking in t. Prosit.quot;

    Goldmund laugasted t ened; asted sucaken care of

    and strange to be lying t, drinking a mug of s .

    quot;omac; the old man asked.

    quot;No.quot;

    quot;I t you probably  ts see your tongue. ell, fine, your old Anselms proved omorroay in bed and Ill come and take a look at you. Already t do you good. Lets see if t like a comac;

    toget  of t efully, delig  off to bed.

    Goldmund lay aenderness and innermost enticement. quot;O my mot possible, o forget you!quot;

 5

    Up to no otold  faded from tle  old Narcissus next to not o mention—someto be asiful  ed y and s be sure s a o ized and instructed in religion; able. But after a feicated and ordered existence, sricks and crafts, arted to make trouble and seduce men, rayed from  a time, ation of a cer o find aken o imes, sation ayed alive, a ation t flickered like tail of a comet, until it inguised tle son, illing in Goldmund t  offer up o God to expiate hers sins.

    tale Goldmunds fatold of   to speak of ed at it to t t Goldmund to ter. It o terrible legend, but o pus aside and  forgotten it. tely forgotten and lost, an altoget image t  made of s tales and dark en rue living motar of  years, had risen again.

    quot;I cant understand ten,quot; o ;Never in my life ionally, fervently. Never did I venerate or admire anyone as I did o me. God only knoo darken t image in my soul, to co tco my fato me for many years.quot;

    Narcissus ly completed iate and . titude torangely cen before rejected s and counsel as cumbersome superiority and pedantry, was now, since onision of rue like prop of ly had he healed him!

    At least Goldmund seemed to be  only ing spell been  evil consequences, but all t ic in Goldmunds cer ed aion to monk o render particular service to God. to  once.  all to Narcissus.

    But Narcissus ing range caution toy, no longer in t condescending or instructing, o   in to see  sad.  t so muco s end. ill kne Goldmund t o follos call, but  knoo regions in wravel.

    Goldmunds eagerness to learn o argue o feel ted tiate or because of  drao fasting and long prayers, frequent confessions, voluntary penitence, and Goldmund understood t s. Since incts ure en y, t iny  te of innocence and calm o an end, t all aut and ready. tions en blissful, kept  like a s infatuation; at otimes tion.  moto  ainty and entanglement, into need, pero deat did not lead to quiet, mildness, security, to to collective cloister life. y fed on tion; it en as strong and burning as a violent pion.  long prayers to tting flo dreen range, magnificent dreams of ing. ts fragrance about ic eyes of love, rumble deep as an ocean, like paradise, stammer caressing, senseless endearments, or rats t filled aste of sness and salt and brus not only all t  only , ions; but someerior lay muc h.

    t o to ted senses. Encingly ted not only t: cly golden morning of life; but in ture s times tress all fused into one, seemed o erimes  ared at s, a somber, unfat bristling ale dangers—but ts, to iny tening abyss in her clear eye.

    So mucten cfulness, golden-faced premonition-scented memories of cions, of incidents peroy and vanisails flipping, s neure, depended on ed from , returned to rees, s slid along t moist-glistening berries ion; groping,  a tree, reacrunk and branc of tousled  of an arm. Once , om, tering groups.

    Once  all and adult but sat on t  of iny man, a tiny als; it seemed ty to ired of t somet  onis and s not  joy, t o life. e giants, t inuing to grorous, silent; too the world.

    yard, library, dormitory, and c incident could pierce a  in tedious lesson, a c of a garland of stone leaves protruding from top of a column in a —timulants ure ty, to unleasreams, and milky  lay beneaty. A Latin initial co e in te to Paradise, a Greek letter a galloping  t quickly slits place.

    , only occasionally did  of his dream world.

    quot;I believe,quot; ;t tal of a floiny ains far more t say very mucters and imes Ill be ing a Greek letter, a ta or an omega, and tilt my pen just test bit; suddenly tter ail and becomes a fis evokes all treams and rivers of t is cool and ers on er  becomes a bird, flaps its tail, s its featself up, laug appreciate letters like t very muc I say: e t;

    quot;I do appreciate tly,quot; Narcissus said sadly. quot;tters, demons can be exorcised  for t of science table. te, t s its symbols to be reliable, it loves

    does not permit an omega to co a serpent or a bird. t live in nature, only against nature, only as its counterpart. Do you believe no youll never be a sc;

    Yes, Goldmund o believe it, resigned o it.

    quot;Im no longer intent on striving for a mind like yours,quot; ;I feel about mind and learning t my fat I loved ed to become like  as soon as my mot to  repugnant. And noo regard all tile, and to feel a sligempt for t;

    one, and yet  able to bring a o  ;I understand you very o quarrel ever again; you are aage and fatage, t cloister life and striving for monkake for you, an invention of your fated you to atone for your motill believe t its your destiny to remain in ter all your life?quot;

    Goldmund looked pensively at inguise, bony and  t tic and a scholar.

    quot;I dont kno; ing, sligant voice ly acquired and t seemed to d;I really dont kno   per in too. Ive been in ter sco see me. s me to stay  , I t I ed it myself. But today Im no longer sure  and desire. Before, everytters in my textbook. No even tters. Everytaken on many meanings and faces. I dont kno t t no;

    quot;Nor need you,quot; said Narcissus. quot;Youll find out o your mot o ill. As for your fat judging oo  to go back to ;

    quot;No, Narcissus, certainly not. If I did, it o be a scin and Greek and matics. No, I dont  to go back to my fat;

    Deep in t, ared a to Narcissus: quot;? Again and again you say o me, or pose questions t s into me and make me clear to myself. You merely asked if I ed to go back to my fat I didnt  to. ? You seem to kno I didnt quite grasp  became so important to me after ake my being from my mot I en my c makes you kno I learn t too?quot;

    Narcissus smiled and shook his head.

    quot;No, my dear Goldmund, you cannot. Some people are capable of learning a great deal, but you are not one of tudent. And o. You s. You are more gifted tiful and more difficult times and me, you often kicked like a foal, it  alen forced to  you. I o o your memory  at first,  you very mucer garden as t o be. No, dont stroke my ! I dont like it.quot;

    quot;Cant I learn anytupid, a c;

    quot;to teac you could learn from me, you c;

    quot;O; cried Goldmund, quot; become friends to end it no of friends be, t reacs goal after a s distance and topped? Are you tired of me? ion for me?quot;

    Narcissus  of ;Let t be,quot; ly. quot;You knooo  my affection for you  come to an end.quot;

    it in udied opped and looked at Goldmund, aut,  ;Listen, Goldmund! Our friends  not to be over; I  to reneself once more, reneself again and again, and lead to ne tain, I can neiten to  my goal is not uncertain, it lies er, it claims me at every  I cannot be in love. I am a monk, I aken tion I so be released from my teacies and o fast and do exercises. During t period Ill not speak of ters, nor ;

    Goldmund understood. Sadly ;So youre going to do ;

    quot;You kno is,quot; said Narcissus.

    quot;ell, yes. In a feer, eace books yourself. No? All rig. But ;

    Narcissus smiled faintly. quot;t, or biss all to put myself in t able to serve, ies find t soil, t field of action. t;

    Goldmund: quot;No ot;

    Narcissus: quot;Oating Aristotle, or embelliser cation, or a  to increase ter, nor reform t to serve ties, tand t not a goal?quot;

    Goldmund t for a long while before he answered.

    quot;Youre rig; ;Did I o;

    quot;ed difficulties for me, but I am no enemy of difficulties. Ive learned from tly overcome t;

    Goldmund interrupted ;Youve overcome t, tell me: entioned novice, maybe youve raised an enemy of trive for, t opposite of ;

    quot;?quot; said Narcissus in deep earnest. quot;Dear friend, tle you knoill! Perure monk in you, but in exciny t  be ordinary. Even if you burned doer tomorroo t for an instant regret t I o.quot;

    iture h hands on his friends shoulders.

    quot;See tle Goldmund, too is part of my goal: ever, never do I ion of meeting a strong, valuable  kno furt me say to you: , youll never find me  any moment t you call me seriously and t you ;

    It sounded like a fare aste of fareood looking at ermined face, ted eyes; akable feeling t ted. t a dreamer;  ing for fate to call to o an establiso duty; , a soldier of religion, of t belong o oday. ed e once. S y and order, duty and o go out into uncertainty; s. S s he had been!

    Sly after tion, Narcissus seemed to o ructor eacern in tood vacant. ill present,  altogetone floor; one kne  exercise, t ing, t imes eac to exercise. ill present, but o anot often, but  be reac speak anding at ern again, sit in ory,  not o  about t became clear to  Narcissus alone er, tant and desirable to empted o become like Narcissus rue, t,   teaces, tory, tire cloister no longer concerned  Narcissus.  anding under ter roof like a ant ree, just to , for fear of tality of t ation and bidding fare places t o  t  Daniel and good dear Fater maybe, and t even t o tall stone madonna in to tles of tal. For a long time ood in front of t of tiful carvings of tain in ter garden, t trees in tyard, against tnut tree. One day, all of to urebook in . Even nos midst, it started to fade ay, comlike into somet no longer er mill; every so often  ed to a meal of  felt strange to o er noo be drained of reality, and appeared autumnal and transient.

    Only ting of , talgic sting of longing, to to tes, o  everytening only to to deep o colorful abysses full of fairy-tale deeds, and all thers eyes.

 6

    One day Fato ty ry full of ly preserved bet accurately, t looked outside in t s ceristics. tisfied and gave s during ternoon, in ts favorite spots, o Goldmund.

    quot;In excernoon off from your classes, my boy. Youll ion to t, and you  lose anyt. Because knoure is a science, too—not only your silly grammar.quot;

    Goldmund t  to pick floo make e, ablemaster to let ake ter luncable. It greeted ically; ent, into t for an  of all tself, ts to , tetalked to it, fed it some bread, and started looking for ts. trips of fallo feals and many ripe seed pods stood among cones betoo, stood t, yelloalks of Jo; Goldmund began to pick ter  doone to rest. It ant forest, but   to go t far from ts and from ill see from ill to see t again;  t, s small leaves to t to study tiny pin pricks in it.

    Strange, , eactle leaves s oure firmament pricked into it, like a delicate embroidery. range and incompres, even tones, everyto pick  ain days  move at all, and  cure ry inue to give out t t perime still, for anoten or ty years perill e  y years?

    Oually sad, alt iful. One kne ts, and certain talgic: a star in times it seemed t somet long desired  to  a veil  all; but t passed, not spell unbroken, and in t Daniel, and still one kneill ing and listening.

    y snail  made a faint tinkling sound among tones and cs little croy gullet s s t and a game urned tracing its contours, caressingly,  pressure, deligment of tangible. One of tages of sc dreamily,  to endency to see and represent all t and o render all matters of tellect s o o t; t tired and droronger as ted, s ed on ed and greient.

    From tant forest someone came , ied around black anned summer face. tting man, crustful, sa iptoed closer on naked bro, stood in front of Goldmund and looked at  look dangerous; ly— ed.

    Goldmund opened urning from a forest of dreams. ly; it rangely close, to onis no fear; no danger sars; t onis, a very friendly smile, and sloo smile. ed eacle kiss, and Goldmund remembered ttle girl  t over yet. to play, teased and tempted, and finally seized  fire to  tient play to teacly, letting ting illing ted, brief joy of love vaulted above  t. Not a ly sroked ime to come to himself. Finally he opened his eyes.

    quot;You!quot; ;You! But w;

    quot;Im Lise,quot; she said.

    quot;Lise,quot; ed after asting ;Lise, you are s.quot;

    S o o it: quot;tell me,  time? Did you never love anyone before me?

    ly  up and looked across to the sky.

    quot;O; ;t do get back.quot;

    quot;o?quot;

    quot;to ter, to Fat;

    quot;to Mariabronn? Is t  to stay tle longer?quot;

    quot;Id like to.quot;

    quot;ell, stay t;

    quot;No, t  be rig pick more of t;

    quot;Do you live in ter?quot;

    quot;Yes, Im a student. But Ill not stay to you, Lise? ;

    quot;I live no  you tell me your name? —A ttle Goldmout;

    quot;You live now w;

    quot;If you like, in t onig;

    quot;O w;

    quot;Can you screec;

    quot;Ive never tried.quot;

    quot;try.quot;

    ried. Sisfied.

    quot;All rig of ter tonigtle Goldmout;

    quot;O ;

    It o ter on eaming o find Fat in t himself on a shard of crockery.

    No ant to find Narcissus. ed at table in tory. No, old, Narcissus  be doing day; . Goldmund  in one of tents cells in ter. Goldmund ran t tened at t a sound. ered softly. t it rictly forbidden made no difference now.

    Narcissus . In t ed face, .  asleep.  Goldmund  speaking,  reproac  stirring, so obviously elseime and  y recognizing anding his words.

    quot;Narcissus! Forgive me, dear friend, forgive me for disturbing you. Im not doing it lig you oug to speak to me, but do speak to me, I beg you .quot;

    Narcissus reflected, ly for a moment as truggling to come awake.

    quot;Is it necessary?quot;  voice.

    quot;Yes, it is necessary. Ive come to say fare;

    quot;t is necessary. You s  een minutes before t vigil.quot;

    on t down beside him.

    quot;Please forgive me!quot; ily. t, Narcissuss strained face, dra eyes—all turbed his friend.

    quot;to forgive. Dont  me; to take leave, you say? Youre going a;

    quot;Im going t knoell you! Suddenly everyt;

    quot;;

    quot;No, notself o me. Im leaving  fat permission. Im bringing s;

    Narcissus looked do e fingers. tlike, truded from t. ted face, but it could be felt in ;e tle time, dear friend. tell me only tials, tell me clearly and briefly. Or must I tell you ;

    quot;You tell me,quot; Goldmund begged.

    quot;Youve fallen in love, little boy, youve met a ;

    quot;;

    quot;Youre making it easy for me. Your condition, amicus meus, s drunkenness called being in love. But speak no;

    timidly Goldmund touched his friends shoulder.

    quot;You  said it. Altime you didnt say it  accurately. It is altoget. I  in t, and iful ely felt t my moto take me  t t look in t like  it  iful  and  to me. At  kiss I felt somet inside me t  in an exquisite  anguiss t slept ransformed and enced, everytaug a s s I could no longer remain in t for anot falls.quot;

    Narcissus listened and nodded.

    quot;It ; ;but it is more or less ed. I sen. Ill miss you, amicus. Is t;

    quot;Yes, if you can, please say a o our Abbot, so t  condemn me completely. s about me are not indifferent to me. ;

    quot;I kno;

    quot;Yes, one ter, o time? And—t;

    quot;For ;

    quot;For your friendsience, for everytening to me today, rying to ;

    quot; to  it. —But  ;

    quot;Yes, Im going ranger— seems; per;

    quot;ell, all rig do you kno your road remely s? I dont t on oo mucives, a  kind of reception as you t;

    Goldmund leaned against his friend.

    quot;I kno; ;alt t of it yet. As I told you, I  to me is not my goal, Im going to  Im not going because of , because I ;

    . t so s ructible friendsinued: quot;Do not t Im completely blind and naive. No. Im o go, because I feel t it o be, and because someto me today. But Im not imagining t Ill meet  joy and mirt it iful, I  is extremely beautiful to belong to a o give yourself. Dont laug to love a o abandon yourself to o absorb ely and feel absorbed by  is not le. For me it is to life, to leave you! I love you, Narcissus, and t of sleep to me today. I find it o leave you. You  forget me?quot;

    quot;Dont make us bot you. You  of you, I expect it. If you are in need some day, come to me, or call to me. Fare;

    kiss roked his hands.

    Nigo tones. Goldmund folloil it vanis ties, and virtues. raordinary, ely puzzling and confusing everytoo—range and frigo o  overflo t ation, devoured by fasting and vigils, crucifying ,  t ing o t rigorous obedience, pledging to serve only to become not a minister verbi divini! tired unto deatenuated,  ened to ic,  o till on s of rest bet range and divinely beautiful t tely spiritualized kind.  it odays love in toxicated play of t boter s t moment, terly different and dissimilar ther.

    No do of tar on tired knees, prepared and purified for a nigemplation t permitted  animal games  t. But  Narcissus. It  for o go to ttom of tiful, terrifying enigmas and mazes and to say important t t-dark ciful warm young woman wing for him.

    As iptoed arees in tyard and out t beating ing emotions, o smile at t evening  ter once before by t pat;going to t; ed and secretly afraid ting out on t little forbidden escapade, and today aking far more forbidden, dangerous roads and  afraid, not t ter, t, teachers.

    time to cross  a bridge. ossed to te bank, tream, up to  in ter.

    s returned to Narcissus. it lucidity t made  ing nooly elligent, sligening to  a crucial moment, painfully opened o  t time: quot;You sleep at your mot; I . Your dreams are of girls; mine of boys.quot;

    For an instant  froze. ood tterly alone in t. Beer, a  a o womed.

    But at time  Narcissus o be ioning, superior guide and aoday  ered a country in . It o kno— o say fareo kno  be able to give o be of no o be noto ed from ime, pero his noble eyes no longer.

    ore ony little road. A feer ill, took a deep breattered t ance doream.

    quot;Like animals o eac;  t came to ernoon. Only no occurred to  no  ter t.  long conversations  no seemed, ered a . oday, or for ts; only for Lise, only for te groping and searcing.

    Lise  of t to meet  to feel ender, groping , ,   speaking,  asking . rouble keeping up en, so see  eyes,  stumbling,  tripping.  o t, into t, into t less country.  of ter  be of Narcissus.

    Like tes t, sometimes on soft moss upery, sometimes on  ribs. Sometimes t treetops; at otimes te. Brancopped, seldom ated. After a long time tary pines t stood far apart. t sky opened  o an end; a meado smell of  ill greater t: no rustling busartled nig, no crackling twigs.

    Lise stopped in front of a big ack.

    quot;ell stay ; she said.

    t doaking deep breat first and enjoying t; ttle tired. tening to tly tired. Playfully  retcraigook deep breat air and t neit iced by t and o  joy  ant and beautiful, trengty of t it gro its desire;  clearly t, time, so be loved differently from t time, t s  to guide and teacime, but ed to  for tack, for ly  treams flo t it alive in boturning ttle lair into tal, breater of all t night.

    over Lises face and began to kiss le ligcer, more intense. turned retc. ce gentle lige . Softly, delig;iful you are!quot;

    S  up; gently  of it, peeled il s s of tely enraptured, e sill as t doo y  time.

 7

    It grely ligogeturning toed after t embrace. Lise led deep into tretc on ionless; for a long time ared into t profoundly, desperately, greedily, as t time, as to stay a hours.

    c-minded, still half asleep.

    quot;Youre a; he said finally.

    urned art.

    quot;Ive got to go no; s sad. quot;I didnt  to ;

    quot;ell, Im a er all, were ;

    quot;I am,quot; said Lise. quot;But you belong to ter.quot;

    quot;I no longer belong to ter. Im like you, completely alone, o go. But Ill go ;

    Lise looked away.

    quot;You cant come  go to my  me, because I stayed out all nig my   believe me.quot;

    Goldmund remembered Narcissuss prediction. So ts  was.

    quot;Ive made a mistake t; ;I  t you and I ay toget to let me sleep and run off  saying fare;

    quot;O get angry and beat me, per my s me, s s normal. But I didnt  you to beat me, too.quot;

    o her hand.

    quot;Lise,quot; ;I  beat you, not no ever. ouldnt you ratay s you?quot;

    Sugged to get her hand free.

    quot;No, no, no,quot; sears in

    time sarted to run. Clasping botreaming eyes, sood silently and c sorry for  po set  sorry for tle sorry for  been lucky apparently; alone and a little stunned,  in ted. But ill tired and eager for sleep; never  so exed. time to be uner. Immediately  back to sleep and woke only wood  around him.

    rested noo t exle, tender feelings. s ran after to asted, smelled, touc to floilled so many heir place!

    Field and retc. Beyond it migo time ting, ready to receive o do udent able return. Noy,  of it, it contained e, its sky ; s blue-green infinity. No bell called  of bed, to mass, to class, to meals.

    O delicious memories! omacripped teetiny, slimy kernels, plucked more and still more, stuffed s er s. till quite green, but  into t a .

    As ered t, ed and ate and cooled off. Blue  grass; broterflies rose and vanis. Saint Genevieve  like tory. o meet  find a age in t, . Or per diggers lived in t; o speak to t   to meet somebody, anybody. But   for a long time, today, tomorro meeting anyone. t, too, o be accepted, if it  ter not to too muco take they came.

    apping and tried to find it. For a long time ried in vain to catc of t last c for a runk of tree, all alone, tap-tap-tapping, turning its busy .  a pity t one couldnt speak to animals. It o call a greeting up to to say a friendly  its life in trees per its s joys. Oransform oneself!

    o draimes, during o draylus on ing tablet, and florees, animals, peoples  ures of ion, like a small God, o to a cluster of leaves sprouting on a brancop of a tree. For  often surprised arted suddenly turned into a leaf or a tree, t of a fisail, someones eyebros  to be able to transform oneself, , to transform tablet. Goldmund longed to become a ops,  trong beak, keeping balance ail feat of t and strong among trees.

    Goldmund met many animals on . te a number of   of tare at urn and run off, ears folded back, ail.  didnt move; it  a live snake, only an empty skin.  up and examined it carefully: a beautiful gray and brotern ran do; it ened, t iff, narroo to a er, on ic leaves, brancing t—a stag per tell. For a long time ood panting . terrified, ened in tion taken, ill listening  long after everyt again.

    find  of t; o spend t t a bed of moss, trying to imagine  , if o stay in it forever. t  misfortune. Living on berries er all not impossible, nor o build a  for ually, pero make a fire. But living alone forever and ever, among tly sleeping tree trunks,  ran a speak—t  to see people, not to say good morning and good nigo anyone; no more faces and eyes to look into; no more girls and o look at, no more kisses; never again to play t game of lips and legs, t e, , ry to become an animal, a bear or a stag, even if it meant forsaking tion of o be a bear and love a s be bad,  least be mucter to keep ones reason and language and all t, and vegetate alone, sad and unloved.

    Before falling asleep in ened to tic nig, y and fear. to live omed to te  along o to pine and fir. o live  for daybreak arve .

    t  explain, suffered infinite anguis and lay time, deeply disturbed.  yesterday and today o sleep  saying  up, knelt beside erday and today. Soon he was asleep again.

    In t t ten o drusted o tinued to aking ion from t one point o a completely smootretc— very traiger o remind er co  really only two days ago?

    It took ion: cultivated land, strips of field s, meadopatrodden; ions of it  a fealks of barley and c tilled land; everyt tle footpats, ted, bleac people. After a s o a crucifix at t and prayed to t. Coming around truding nose of a  of a sree. Deliger ran to a long rouger and noticed c of trees; toucill more t sounded so pleasantly ing t o meet him, a welcome.

    igated a bit and t from  a small boy -blue eyes. An eart s mud and er . ,  mud beto balls, used one knee for pressing and shaping.

    quot;God bless you, little boy,quot; Goldmund said in a very friendly voice. ttle boy looked up, saranger, opened o a kitc er t noon glare,  see anyt first. ian greeting, just in case, but t tened c comforted tiny old ood up in to  tranger.

    quot;God bless you, mot; Goldmund cried. quot;May all ts bless your kind face; I  seen a ;

    ttle old   simple, from farsig understanding.

    quot; is it you ?quot; she asked suspiciously.

    Goldmund took roked it lightly.

    quot;I  to say God bless you, little grandmot a time for t.quot;

    into t do, aring at tranger erest and curiosity, but still ready to cry and run off at any moment. t a second piece from t it over to Goldmund.

    quot;t; ;May God re;

    quot;Is your belly empty?quot; asked the woman.

    quot;Not really. Its full of blueberries.quot;

    quot;ell, eat t;

    quot;From Mariabronn, from ter.quot;

    quot;Are you a preac;

    quot;No. Im a student. Im traveling.quot;

    S tle on  Goldmund take a fees and led tside into t;;

    quot;Not muc;

    quot;No. s ;

    quot;;

    quot;Ill? Is o die?quot;

    quot; in t oo ;

    quot;Is o die?quot;

    quot;I dont kno;

    quot;ell, let  cook my soup. ;

    S kindling, as muced, and c on t, and . According to a precise, secret system, sly in ttle y c into the flames.

    At  Goldmund dreer from t in ttle, t table and benc ures—all tiful and good, smelled of food and peace, of people and s, and told  ty in t-grandmottle boy. en  say anytill looked a little frig he was no longer crying.

    tly surprised to find a stranger in t to start cursing. Distrustfully, oo see . ted o eat  doil t gone and t .

    Goldmund asked if  stay until tomorro enoug tside, for o find a bed.

    t he boy by her side.

    S take part in tion; but during tive eyes took possession of tranger. iced e neck and smoot iful gestures. inguis most of all s drarangers voice. Sone, ting le  sounded like a caress. So go on listening to his voice much longer.

    After table. Goldmund side to ing on its loo ter. o do  ted o move on so soon. Just t  in  under t and let it run full. ;If youre still around onig  be taken in before tomorroill be t;

    o crong arms lift t;  , disappearing in t, grateful and deeply content, listening to ter. Some time later  in, looked for t smelled of fire, soot, and milk. A moment ago it ill been ser and  erritory. it out.

    Beyond t iful urdy old oaks in s grass. rolling among trunks. range it o name ting; everyt ? itain intonation in ly t perle, discreet emanation of to kno once range, like a subtle, secret language;   language. o ty about tall blond  kind of body, gestures, kisses—probably altoget from Lise.  t, aut black tle gasps? en ill today?  tiful and  it ransitory! tery. Not so long ago  ting to come to  so calm per neitery nor lust roubling and burdening it. Rat for some crime one  committed but  along o t t migself bore somet — not beautiful to feel alloo give t fully, not completely range pain penetrate  penetrated Narcissuss virtue and le fear, transitory? o muse like ten, to thinker?

    Still, it iful to be alive.  to o tiny, narroed trembled, just as in a tle?  speak  to speak to eaco be lucky, find a special friends unate t love did not need  anding and foolis blind at t of ecstasy; only te s of tcen t express it! Not all could be expressed—and yet, again and again one felt to speak, to think.

    udied tiny plant; ily,  strange intelligence tem. Virgils verses iful, and ill, t  elligent, beautiful and meaningful as tiny leaves climbing tem.  pleasure, asy,  o be able to create just one suc no man o do t—no !

    up and found ted. ted. It iful to be ing like t the woman was on her way, bringing him so much love.

    Sied a cted it and laid it out before him.

    quot;For you,quot; s;Eat!quot;

    quot;Later,quot; ;Im not  me see tiful t me.quot;

    S  many beautiful trong ty lips, strong gleaming teetrong arms t  on te and delicate. S kno made a s, luring sound in , and le  before,  made sounds like t. S srong; sed to break ill ce in all its strength her.

    t, sigy, sore  stay. Goldmund remained alone, er did e it in solitude. No ely dark.

 8

    Goldmund e some time;  t; one of tay  adultery for t of love—ely after of ten?quot; Not one o stay, not one o take o s of ted at it to any of tioned ,   remember a single opped longing in t. Still, it seemed a little odd and sad t love o be so extremely s-lived  it iated as rapidly as it   s   iful but did not  because tled error of t solely because of sometty doll, to o ts, only to run back to tere of tings t aed t tell.

    groired of learning from ually  more drao girls, to t   most young girls  of reacimid and ected. But  ure, a icular play, o everytiable and pliable as a co every seduction: and only for t reason  o drao   , o eace and patient  and greedy  time, or again artful and knoo le, to sigo be ce, to be s  s prompt o do. t any elligent senses soon perceived in  made heir darling.

    All time  time s of love, absorbed to see iplicity, o feel, to touco smell tive to every tone of voice; ain ain tone infallibly told ype and scope of ties. it e variety: ened to ts of t of a knee. o tell one type of ly probing fingers, one kind of skin, of doe soon o notice t tinguis o o learn and exercise t of recognizing and differentiating still more subtly, more profoundly, er variation. Periny o learn to knoo learn love in a til ion, to play not only one, but t number of instruments. But to  to learn Latin and logic  being particularly gifted for eit ed for love, for ty learning;  a ted and classified itself.

    Goldmund ead of a prosperous knigiful young daug umn; soon ts ting cool. aste of cold  autumn and er and  t in er. , esy, and able and over to reated  as an equal. ters kept t doeen; t sixteen: Lydia and Julie.

    t day Goldmund ed to continue on  o iful blond young ladies, and t iced o stay. But after breakfast t dreold t filled ed, a ing desk  for ock of t exquisite paper and parc. By and by Goldmund learned t t  ely abandoned udies for til, during a grave illness, God ed o go on a pilgrimage and repent traveled as far as Rome and Constantinople, urn, ty, tled do ers, and no to e a detailed account of  pilgrimage. ten several cers, but—as o tin y; it antly. er if o correct and copy out all t ten so far, and also to e the book.

    Goldmund kneies of o be scorned eit most of all t of staying in tiful sisters for many monto come. it anot, er to unlock t t of fine bro and cap

    and kneil a fit,  of a page,  of a sman, ed him well.

    in  too rusty eitoget over all t ten. Goldmund not only corrected ty expressions;  ts clumsy, s sentences o pleasing Latin constructions, , consecutive tenses. It gave t great pleasure and  stingy  least two hours.

    Goldmund rouble passing ime in tle—ified farm ing, and sman augo use a crossboo a dog, or a nag, or to  old , or t art a love intrigue  .

    ook great joy in ts t so prim so Goldmund. reated bot respect and courtesy, but bot o be a continuous courts ely, stubborn one for reated ure of respect and mockery, as ter of learning. Sions, and also about er, but t irony in one, and ty of to everytreated Lydia like a lady and Julie like a little nun, and ained ttle longer t table after meals, or if Lydia spoke to side tted o tease ent and felt t he was making progress.

    t autumn tayed late on tall asyard and till asters in tors arrived. A neigempted to travel farter for t. teously received; Goldmunds bed  of t room into ting room; ors, cs ran to to get fisook part in tivities and tement; ely felt ticed erest in ain someticed erest  and remote s ce dinner t came to play able; ook great delig still greater delig tension c, ive, burning eyes. Finally  doo reac under table and touc and calf urn pale and bite inued to tell anecdotes from er days and felt ten intently, not so muco ories as to too, sat listening, er  ony face, altoo, ed by t burned in t asy sang in  it, eactle Julie  resistance and rejection, ts  satisfaction, and Lydia ion in , a mixture of deep longing, soft resistance, and t violent jealousy,  anso so s of love fluttered about ing, figher.

    After t ick, s ttle cloister ayed up for anot, tened ardently to tter t  net of give and take, of glances and intonations and small gestures o being, eaced mosp also felt disgust act on art. Afterening , , sure t togetion s rembling ement all t trayed knig surprise to t.

    t morning t, a  s declined all urging to stay longer and insisted on immediate departure. Lydia stood by ed. S s aant.

    trangers udy, epped to tc of tyard. to be making less progress in tin composition today. Goldmund racted; er released han usual.

    No one sayard.  t o ter and faster;  t cubble fields, s overgroting pine forest, and once again brownish.

    On tlined against tte, sitting rotting horse.

    ourned to arget, to tiful, fleeing woman. Soon ch her.

    turn o look at ly casually, srotted ao  t from the chase.

    quot;Lydia!quot; ly.

    there was no answer.

    quot;Lydia!quot;

    S.

    quot;iful t o cance, your railing after you like a golden flasning. t iful! o flee from me. ts tle. I didnt knoed until last nig o flee from me suddenly, I understood. You must be tired, my beauty, my love, lets dismount.quot;

    ion to keep e face looked do ed o tears. Carefully eps, made  doed grass, and knelt beside , fig bravely and overcame them.

    quot;O; so speak. Ster the words.

    quot;Am I so bad?quot;

    quot;You are a seducer of  me forget to me; t  does not become you to speak to me t  us forget t! But o forget to see last nig;

    quot;Last nig  nig;

    quot;Oop pretending, dont lie like t! It  able! Before me, under my eyes! And no ser me. You really dont know w s;

    Goldmund ted ting upid of  silent.

    by  iful and un oo, felt t to be deplored. But in spite of all sill saw love in han he believed her words.

    But sed an ans  fortook on an even more bitter expression. S  tearfully and repeated: quot;;

    quot;Forgive me,quot; ;ere talking about t s be talked about. It is my fault, forgive me. You ask if I  I also love you, and love kno be angry ;

    So  ter mouto tance, as tuation. t of using words.

    Gently  ely tact made tter. Yet  a little confused and sad, and soo seemed to be sad. S motionless, saying noto tance. All t and sadness! But ted  did not reject  took in tion Goldmund t s distinguiso iful, neatly rounded fingernails. Gratefully  o it.

    Noail and admired it;  almost as e fingers ion  it efully led o h his cheeks.

    t;Its time,  go.quot;

    enderly. Gently he kissed her slender fingers.

    quot;Please, get up,quot; s;e must go ;

    antly. tood up, mounted, rode.

    Goldmunds  iful Lydia was, e!  even kissed   so ss by hey rode briskly.

    Only at trance to t s;e s  time. ; And at t moment,  came running, sly in ;tell me if you   nig; imes and began unsaddling the horse.

    In ternoon, after , sudy.

    quot;Is it really true?quot; s once and  s.

    quot;But t, in t disgusting fas;

    quot;t ; ;Believe me, I  t your foot never came to me under table; it never asked me if I loved you.quot;

    quot;Do you really love me, Goldmund?quot;

    quot;Yes, indeed.quot;

    quot;But w will ;

    quot;I dont kno it. It makes me o love you. I dont t ;

    quot;A man is only alloo kiss  of t?quot;

    quot;No, Ive never t of t.  you cannot become my bride.quot;

    quot;ts true. And since you cannot become my ay  o speak to me about love. Did you t you o seduce me?quot;

    quot;I t and believed not t you migo kiss me. e talk so muc do t. I t love me.quot;

    quot;t te.quot;

    quot;And you did just te!quot;

    quot;I?  do you mean?quot;

    quot;First you fled before me  you loved me. t t  t  no be;

    quot;Im not like t roked yesterday. You seem to be accustomed to .quot;

    quot;No, tiful and refined t;

    quot;ts not .quot;

    quot;O its true. Dont you kno;

    quot;I ;

    quot; your fore your s your fingernails, at your knees? And iced  blends into and r, ed, taut, firm, very slender siced t?quot;

    quot;talk! Ive never noticed t, actually, but no you say it, I do knoen, you really are a seducer. Norying to make me vain.quot;

    quot; a s I can do not erested in making you vain? Youre beautiful and Id like to try to s Im grateful for your beauty. You force me to tell you  a times better   learn from you, nor you from me.quot;

    quot; is to learn from you?quot;

    quot;For me from you, Lydia, and for you from me. But you dont  to. You only  to love t you  learned anyt even o kiss.quot;

    quot;So you ;

    like  ly brusque, false-ringing talk, could sense desire taking possession of ing against it.

    less glance in o t  resistance,  o il t. Gently  anstle c let it go. Gently courting, reating moutil it atingly came back to meet aug violence til, exed, s  it rest, smelled  ender, calming sounds into  pupil, roduced to t by Lise, ting Jo  ance it came flas ed, it ime to bloom!

    Sloood up straigransformed, .

    quot;Let me go, Goldmund,quot; s;Ive stayed ;

    Every day t  ouced  imes so  imes, on trary, siably but  permit o toucruggling  s, ention of giving  joy; timidly s te fruit out of  and kissed it and s up again, still bluso  in a nely t day. ted names for eaco tell  en said t  marry ion s and draped h a black veil.

    For t time Goldmund felt not only desired by a  loved.

    Once Lydia said: quot;You are so  deep inside your eyes ty, t  exist and t all t is beautiful and lovely does not stay  beautiful eyes of anyone I kno. I t ts because youre o me out of t  Ill no longer ;

    alk. Sometimes  imes le caresses, only by  , , meaningless, magic sounds t nurses o comfort c;Id really like to knoen t it. Youll   be easy. Oimes I t to become a poet, a man ifully. A youll alter go back to ter to your friend of  be made to die alone in t.quot;

    S ,  eyes. But te-autumn land or ask  him.

    One niging for sleep.  ing in , brimming over  knoo do. tle at tomed to lying like t for quite some time before falling asleep; sleep  come. Softly, as oned a c to the Virgin:

    tu advocata peccatorum!

    et macula originalis non est in te.

    tu laetitia Israel,

    tu advocata peccatorum!

    its soft music to  at time tside, a song of strife and umn, of t of Lydia and of Narcissus and of less .

    Suddenly arted and stared, not believing. te go across tone floor, gently closed t down on his bed.

    quot;Lydia,quot; ;my little doe, my ;

    quot;Ive come to you only for an instant,quot; s;Just once I ed to see my Goldmund in .quot;

    S move, ts ing

    more  permitted. After a s tic. Everyt knoroubled slumber,  ears.

    A fees, as s time. In ell, muco complain about. tenderly ened; s arm;  hand caressed her knees.

    quot;Little Goldmout; sely muffled voice near ;it is so sad t I may never belong to you. Our small  last muc. Julie is already suspicious; soon so tell ice. If tle golden bird, your Lydia ear-so trees to see ter run a my fat bear to see you ter run a me; I dont  you to die, my golden one, I dont  to  your blue eyes! Oreasure, you must not go ao do if you leave me all alone?quot;

    quot;ont you come oget;

    quot;t ; s;oo o t I cant. I cant sleep in t and be ra. Nor can I bring suc speak, ts not just my imagination. I cant. I couldnt do it any more t off a dirty plate or sleep in a lepers bed. Aiful is forbidden us, tle boy, I so see you er all. And I, Ill be locked up in my room and later sent to a convent. You must leave me, s, and sleep  women. Oc;

    Softly roked oucely, and begged: quot;My little flo me?quot;

    Not angrily but firmly sly.

    quot;No,quot; s;no, I  let you. It is forbidden me. Per understand t, you little gypsy. I am doing  let me keep t, or else I can never again come to your room.quot;

    erdiction, a en  fougly against imes s to free imes  little Julie e flattery, and it  important to remain on good terms o dupe range relationstle Julie, . Sy traordinary beauty traction for Goldmund; en deeply in love rong attraction  for ttle sister,  boters  Julie more beautiful and seductive, ed bot an eye on bot  of love. o s cenderness and inclination to sadness it seemed similar to en deeply astonised to see o titude of  of he form of her fingers.

    tants during ituted o retain someto re-create it. On a fe  most secret, tempts to draline of rokes of a pen—the line of her eyebrows, her hand, her knee.

    ituation . Ser oy and greed, o admit it. Sreated Goldmund ed coolness and dislike. Yet, during moments of forgetfulness, scion and desiring curiosity. iten most tender, and occasionally even came to visit o breatmosp t. t offensive brusqueness t s transgression and felt contempt for it.

    Attractive and disturbing, tiful, capricious ctered betasted of loves secrecy in ty dreams, played innocent, and t more ter except during meals. And Lydia also realized t Goldmund  insensitive to Julies cimes sive, delig  say anyt it, everyted, so filled  especially not be offended or angered; alas, any day, any  of  to her heavy, anguished bliss, perhaps a dreadful end.

    Sometimes Goldmund asked  left long ago. It  to live t  ioned, lasting s to il noly excited and illed; moreover,  danger. aying and accepting it all, all tanglements and confused emotions? tions, and states of mind for tary, ted rooms.  t of to extricate e complications and to laug t rigo look for a kind of o be paying for it . And yet  only put up , but ly o do so. It rain to live t it iful sadness of s foolis-filled nigiful; it iful and delectable as t, resigned tone of  seemed so beautiful and so important to o retrace t  more intelligent, yet more experienced; not  mucure, much richer in his soul. he was no longer a boy.

    In le, lost voice Lydia said to ;You mustnt be sad, not because of me; I  to bring you only joy, to see you ed you range dreams at nig, it is vast and dark, I cant tell you  and dark, and I  youre not t I  you and t I  forever and ever, alone like t. t ill  Ill see  doesnt matter, it only matters t ill ;

    One morning Coldmund aer dainued to lie in  ed. ill see botricated rands of t caugtention, a strange kind of brigering to t table, te to tyard, tire landscape beyond  snoer. ruck by trast beted  and t, resigned er landscape: , , o sun,  and snoly maple and aser! Could one not become as t,  to tyard, ouc  into t t rose branches.

    As te t, everybody mentioned t snoside. Snomas  far off. t spoke about to t rangers to sno t t made t er day unforgettable for Goldmund occurred long after nightfall.

    ters  Goldmund kne. At niger t and dark, Lydia came to om. ordlessly s  to beat and to console  Julie migray  s make up o speak to  it and to cause ly against , listening to tender o time, feeling his hand in her hair.

    But suddenly—s been lying terrible s up, ly friger.  ely ood close beside  over it did  t it  sgo it drop to t by a knife, Lydia sank back and clung to Goldmund.

    In a mocking, triump, t;I dont enjoy being in my room by myself all time. Eitake me in oget;

    quot;ell, come in t; said Goldmund, folding back t;Youll freeze your feet off t; Srouble making room for ionless. Finally, all t resist t t not so long ago tuation corresponded to  secret wisrange anguis delig Julies  his side.

    quot;I just o see,quot; s; feels to lie in your bed, since my sister enjoys coming ;

    In order to calm ly rubbed   . Silent and curious so  tance. But o comfort Lydia, , familiar love sounds into  urn it toesque tuation   unbearable.

    It augrut explored tiful, quietly ing body of Julie,  for t time not only t   o give in to o love  renounce her had been wrong, had been nonsense.

    quot;My ,quot; o Lydias ear, quot;;

    So to Julie t s.

    Lydia  contracted o it. S up abruptly, tore to  and cried: quot;Julie, lets leave!quot;

    Julie artled. tless violence of Lydias cry, ray tly s up.

    But Goldmund, offended and betrayed in all   up, kissed , and ly omorroomorro;

    Barefoot, in goood on tone floor,  blue  and  around er ure of suffering and submission t did not escape Julie in spite of t toucly ters vanising emotions, Goldmund listened intently and breat.

    to meditate in solitude over trange and unnatural association. ters found noto say to eacer to tive beds, eac, and stubborn. A spirit of grief, contradiction, nonsense, alienation, and innermost confusion seemed to aken  fall asleep until after midnig until torturously ail t up, dressed, knelt for a long time in prayer before tep on tairs  out and asked o  trying to distinguiso put an end to tter. Goldmund and Julie ill asleep o tell  mention Julies part in ture.

    ing room at t morning,  in boots, vest, and girdled sead of t e. At once his.

    quot;Put on your cap,quot; said t. quot;I o take ;

    Goldmund took er doairs, across tyard, and out te. tly frozen snoill red   t teep, snoil all disappeared and to see.  roof, tudy, ters. en toyed  of sudden departure. Noracted   bitterly to leave this way.

    For an er going on ao t e. t  o run and tand t in danger. But t  ed.

    quot;From ; ;you inue alone, alion, youll lead to take revenge on you; I selligent to alloo live intimately ers. But if you y to come back, your life is lost. Go no;

    As ood in t of t dead. Like a g ood t move until Goldmund  ridge. tint in t come out, and snoo fall in tant flakes.

 9

    Goldmund kne oo rest and spend t in one of to  until tomorroac took omed to it. It did not  taste on ter day; it smelled strongly of , and yet tness of it, its great expanse, its merciless  comforting and sooto .

    il  tired. My riding days are over, . Otle snoance t fused e silence stretco t  poor, anguis?  bitterly sorry for  of enderly as ed under a bare, lonely ased marsiff-legged, ood up, forced o a brisk pace; t of to be drot across t an end to   a question of tions, no matter e and beautiful; it ion of keeping alive, of reac for t in time, of getting table en or a fox, and not giving out too soon, in tant.

    ant ing knife in  and slipped off ts stable; stubbornly it ed,  actual fear, but very tense and curious,  beating faster. For a second a t s t;If I killed t; But ery eyes and to laugo murder to  of stone. ed enderly patted s  neck; it recognized ely.

    quot;; he asked.

    quot;to you,quot; laugeet;Youve run a good distance. I cant stay; Im only o give you regards and t;

    quot;Regards from w;

    quot;From Lady Lydia. ell, you certainly gave us a nasty day, Master Goldmund, I o get a not kno Ive been gone, and  could cost me my neck. ;

    ook it.

    quot;I say,  o s t you mig;

    quot;Bread? I mig.quot; s and pulled out a piece of black bread. ted to ride off again.

    quot;; asked Goldmund. quot;Didnt stle letter?quot;

    quot;Not. torm at told me to give you t to get back no;

    quot;All rig, just a moment more! Say,  let me ing knife? Ive only a small one. —it ter if I ;

    But  . o Master Goldmund. But  part  for money, nor a s even if Saint Genevieve in person asked . to get a move on, and  everything.

    ter range pain in . to rong calfs-leat ogetted undervest of tly Lydia   into tuck into t. tten message. ood in ts in ook off  and slipped into tted vest; it felt pleasantly , , and continued  ime o rest; ired. But  feel like going to t ing and being asked questions.  t in tinued on  morning, in frost and so long marcs  ers; for many days loneliness and melanc.

    t in a village, ures aed , t o come and o do finally, except

    time nessed a birtonis t any rate t remarkable to  of torcared  curiosity into truck by someted: torted face tle different from t of loves ecstasy. true, t pain  and disfiguring timate passion—but essentially it  different, it ly grinning contraction, tinction. Miraculously,  understanding  pain and joy could resemble eacher so closely.

    And yet anoted  village. ter to to tioning of ayed a second nig  time in many ation and disappointment t illed. to a neor, w and half like a highway robber.

    Viktor greeted in, claiming to be a traveling student, alt udent years. ed beard and treated Goldmund ain iness and  quickly he younger man.

    to Goldmunds questions, ;By my destitute soul, I ed enougo Cologne and to Paris, and feap tation at Leyden. Since tard t I am, ions, my dear soul tortured by immeasurable . Viktor, t terror, teacin to young ricking sausages out of co my belly. My goal is t co avoid tion of dedicating myself to tiresome profession of arc is better, my dear young colleague, to live from o mouter all, a roasted  better tomacs t I lend erday ted as fatried to misuse me in order to save tarved , you, my dear colleague,  ing acquaintance. In saecula saeculorum, amen.quot;

    Goldmund ill unfamiliar in of t a bit scared of tly rascal and ter  t t t did please  o continue ting or trutably stronger to fear. But before continuing tor ed to speak a bit of Latin to t, and installed s.  folloice Goldmund  of a farmor  from  to , cted uck o every stable and kitc seem o leave before eacoll and a tribute. old ts about taly and sang, beside ttle of Pavia. is and loose teeto to knoo uffed  above t full to bursting s, and dried pears ts cened to en, noter t and ion, speak broken Latin and play t moment impress tale or learned talk cable dra urer ter struggle for a meager, dangerous existence. So t became of people  one day?

    t morning, as t time Goldmund aste of oget to learn from Viktor. Applying everyto ting deat, and a source of food—inct or. o recognize ty of ation by almost invisible signs, even in er; at nigo inspect every nook and cranny in forest or field as a potential resting or sleeping place; to sense instantly, upon entering a room, ty or misery of tedness, or y, or fear—tricks ive t  like to approac of vie, altricks, ality upon . Lanky Viktor laug;ell sure, little Goldmund, you may not o, youre so young and pretty, you look so innocent, your face is a good recommendation. t  a fly. But look tle brots older, ts  and before you kno you are an ugly, un, and instead of yout aring out of your eyes. At t point youve got to be  to  t I dont t youll be running around for too long anyoo delicate and your curls too pretty, youll crao  cloister or some beautifully ed ing room. And your clotaken for a squire.quot;

    Still laug;  of old of ay at ts  ing Latin. Viktor ed to knoer, and Goldmund, omed to lying, told tle about ts t quarrel. Viktor t Goldmund an incomparable fool for  tle and to t situation o be remedied, o t. t tle; of course Goldmund could not be seen t  to o e a little letter to Lydia, saying t, and or, ake it to tle and, by t come back  a little somet, money and loot. And so on. Goldmund refused and finally became violent;   to  tter, nor did ell Viktor t or to tle.

    or sa; ;dont bite your teet! Im merely telling you t youre letting a good catcs not very nice and brot you dont  to, youre a nobleman, youll return to your castle on a ing s all rigs oes off.quot;

    Goldmund remained grumpy and silent until evening, but since t day, efully let Viktor pick a place for t, let rees at t and make a bed e bread and cors full pockets. Goldmund felt asried to be polite and  for t. to take turns keeping c took over t vigil ime Goldmund stood quietly  a fir trunk in order not to keep t cold and began to pace.  greater and greater distances, saips of firs jut so t tly aer nig beat lonely in tly back and listened to t a le, or cloister ile ars, among tcient, steady trees.

    No, , or, even if  of o learn Viktors . Per of ected, terious beauty and eeriness; again and again o listen to tbeat sounded anguising. Fears  way up o be moving.

    After a long time Viktor a like ; ;your turn to catcomorro;

    Goldmund obeyed; retc on tremely tired but did not fall asleep. s kept s, a feeling  admit to rust t o do  o  old ter and brazen beggar, about Lydia. unity to get rid of him.

    After an or bent over s and seams; Goldmund froze  move, ;Go a;

    and squeezed. Goldmund fougried to get up, but Viktor pressed . Goldmund could ly  free  to slip one , pull out ing knife, and rangling  times into t , Viktors  go; t deeply, o sit up; limp and soft, o a op of ly sigo sit up. In t  to ouced t fell back,  like a bag. Blood spilled from  and neck; from  in delirious, weakening sighs.

    quot;No Goldmund. Again and again  it, as  over t;Dear Mot; he heard himself say.

    Suddenly  bear to stay a moment longer.  across t s  as he could.

    t  for anot, aimless and anguis of ance.

    Lost in ted, sno ser,  a pat food and almost  sleep, o a bottomless despair. ; several times exion overcame  t o fall asleep, to die in t again and again somet. Desperately, greedily ed and intoxicated in t of bitter  by trengt to die, by trous force of to live. it-blue iny, dried-up berries off ttle, bitter stuff, togetaste ingly s . Breato iff  on top of t. Avidly : not , no trace of a  t going to feed on  as long as trengt in  up and resumed ion and ultimate effort. Strange ts took ions , noor, o deato ;ell, my s e , or tear off ail, or ed to steal my gold piece, you old guzzler! But little Goldmout ickled you in till uffed pig!quot; ed triump  ered, tupid braggart!

    But after a urned aor. iful little Julie, as s  nigless endearments to ried to seduce o make o o make goo ride up to   moment before tle breasts, he blond kinky hair under her arms.

    trotting tiff, stumbling legs, drunk riump o live, o o ions, insights, and ironies.

    quot;Are you scared, Narcissus,quot; o ;are you sice someted friend, ts on every fence, stands beree. Building ories and c keep deat; deat you er under your y candles at tar, say your evening prayers and your morning prayers, gatory, collect books in your libraries. Are you fasting, dear friend? Are you depriving yourself of sleep? rip you to t as you can, deaty in t your bones stay togetrying to escape, t  to stay  and belly, our poor little scraps of brains under our skulls! It all s to become free, it all s to go to tting in trees, ts.quot;

    all sense of direction;  knorees; falling,  trong in  pulled .  time, it tle village in an a feood about alked, yet  ook pity. Let o table.

    It  long before . table, sleep, and ts milk to drink revived  rengt all recent events ime or, ter nigruggle on ts lost and cold and  .  forgotten it; alt  , it  also precious, somet unforgettable, an experience, a taste on tongue, a ring around t. In less ts, ter deat. For days  of t, of t days in fear of deato deating deatrongest emotion of all, trangest, kno feeling tiful, terrifying force, tenacity of life inside one during t desperate struggle. It ec remained etc, as did tures and expressions of ecstasy t so mucures and expressions of birt nigorting or ly and quickly ! O deat, ruck deat mortal fear, asy o be lived t seemed to alk about it  h no one else.

    came to raable, .  it during terrible, umbling marc about it for a long time.   to t lost. Money meant little to s value. But tant to   from Lydia t

    or, soaked in Viktors blood. And t Viktor; or because of it. If t, t gly niger muc it,  woman.

    quot;Cine,quot; o ;I , and nos no longer t;

    quot;Oiced?quot; s  delig  e of his weakness.

    quot; a strange boy you are,quot; senderly. quot;So intelligent and refined, and yet so stupid. Does one run around t? Ora;

    quot;You did? ?quot;

    quot;Find it,quot; s e a

    face, and ried o situde. Soon o o move on, but s day turning milder t. And so it ime , tness. he spring winds groan.

 10

    Again ice ing do of violets rose from under tten leaves. Goldmund iable eyes drank in ts, tains, to farm, from village to village, from o  self over and over, all t o knourned, and yet different eacime: tony roads, sleeping in t, strolls trailing after bands of young girls coming urning over t sumn, t angry frosts—everyt his eyes.

    Muc already ligain ridge  ; it gladdened ations, desires, and . For several days  o to it. No came as a surprise and  visual impression confirmed and strengtations. trunks and softly s s t , and solitude, ed farm ime. Do beautiful and famous roads in tiful land lay ts sailed to beautiful villages, castles, cloisters, and prosperous to road for days and  fear t it er out in a forest or in  pato it.

    t evening o a beautiful village, ty ed red; tranceone steps. A forge treet;  in every alley and corner, sniffed at cellar doors for ter; ed cery and did not forget to look for a good barn for t. But first ed to try  ts  asked ions and Goldmund told ory of ions. tion and spent tion over good food and  day inued s float by; s, and some of tretcoing bulbs; young girls sang in treets in the evening.

    A young servant girl in a mill pleased  tried to get to kno o  tay t ers feed and comb t and a ride in excravelers did er ter so muc  s  to ty, the highway became.

    In one village ook an evening stroll along trees already in leaf. ter ran quietly, mig sigs of trees; ting ligrees. ting t  doo ale; old  t and ted tle, made tle, and sted  at t point ted tting beside  s. Goldmund y defending  finally  tco Goldmund did not trust truce;  and , t silver remely content, glad of rong legs, until te dust from  tired, lay do tree, and fell asleep. It ickling; a peasant girl anding t ickling ip of a cumbled to . ito eaco a sable. togetill ly found in treet, and to leave her.

    t evening er in a cloister, and t morning  to mass. A t; tone air of t movingly familiar. After mass, rangely moved;  nig to unburden , to c  moved  to confess and purify o be admitted, but most  burdened by tor, ors neck and back. Oo confession! t of o o do a stiff penance for t  sened calmly. Earnest and friendly,  speaking of damnation.

    Relieved, Goldmund stood up, prayed in front of tar as t to leave t; in a side catue t spoke to rongly and attracted  urned to  it ion. It ely, gently sretc a delicate, girlisiful, so deeply permeated  t Goldmund t  any t seemed to  anding t en seen in dreams and inklings, someten o go; again and again tatue drew him back.

    urned to leave, tanding behind him.

    quot;Do you find iful?quot; one.

    quot;Inexpressibly beautiful,quot; said Goldmund.

    quot;ts ; said t. quot;Ot t soo modern and  true and exaggerated. t deal of controversy about it. So you like ion from a benefactor of our order. Ser Niklaus.quot;

    quot;Master Niklaus? ell me about  a magnificent, blessed man .quot;

    quot;I dont knoation as an artist. Artists usually are no saints,  eit ainly is a gifted, imes …quot;

    quot;O does ;

    quot;You seem completely fascinated o see ;

    Goldmund tly. time Goldmund stood before terious statue,  it made  ache.

    t carried ely c moment in front of t saintly  possessed before, someten mocked or envied in ot; perence o eps. tiful  it ive playground, a cozy place to be. No  led to ty, to ter. Impatiently oy gates, entered , icing tle in treets, ts on ts and carriages. Neits nor carriages, city nor bistered to  person  ed w know wer Niklaus was.

    o a square surrounded by stately ed or decorated ood t in robust, laug  as beautiful as tatue in ter c it  its calves and sticking its bearded co t Goldmund t t er. o t doors, climbed stairs; finally o a squire in a fur-trimmed velvet coat and asked  find Master Niklaus.  did  from urn. Goldmund y o say merely t old reet on ime Goldmund   ood outside ters  t ran up to t it e, y and dusty from tered ience and ed. For a long time ood outside t go on in a  as  to leave, ep to tiful blond girl le s flohe back.

    t morning, after ty er , slapped t from o ters street and knocked at t appeared o lead o ter, but o soften tance, and finally so a small  anding t: a bearded, tall man of forty or fifty, Goldmund t. ranger ly w ings.

    quot;Is t all?quot;

    quot;Master,quot; Goldmund said ed breat;I saer t give me suc love and veneration  me to you. I am not a fearful man, I , sno I am afraid of you. I ic desire, o t of pain.quot;

    quot;And ?quot;

    quot;to become your apprentice and learn ;

    quot;You are not to  I dont like apprentices, and I already ants. s?quot;

    quot;I s, I come from no in a cloister, il today.quot;

    quot;And ried anyt;

    quot;Ive made many dra I no longer  let me tell you . I  deal of t about ts ormented me and given me no peace. It ruck me ain sain line recurs in a persons structure, o to t corresponds to ture and temperament of t knee, t s fore. And anotruck me: one nigo  for a est pain and t intense ecstasy  t;

    ter gave tranger a piercing look. quot;Do you kno;

    quot;Yes, Master, it is trut  precisely t I found expressed in your madonna, to my utter deligernation, t is e face, and at time all t, a fire s ts and dreams seemed confirmed. Suddenly tely er Niklaus, I beg you , let me learn ;

    Niklaus ened attentively,  making a friendlier face.

    quot;Young man,quot; ;you kno art, and it puzzles me t, young as you are, you o say about ecstasy and pain. Id gladly c  t look: to speak pleasantly and intelligently  toget conversation.  a man may  up and kno count  s. You seem to mean  simply send you on your  all. Did you ever s;

    Goldmund found  ood up and groo giants. But  mention it and said t ried.

    quot;Good. Youll draable; youll find paper and c doake your time, you can stay till noon or evening. Per ell me alked enoug;

    Goldmund sat in ted to  of table. o accomplisask. First , ing and silent like an appreudent. ity and love ared toer, o  a small clay figure. Attentively udied tern, already sliged artisans  t, soberer, muc and - in t rated on , Goldmund minutely took in ters entire figure. t, mig earnest searced o a task t many predecessors  o enacious, long-lived never-ending ion of t and dedication of many generations. At least t Goldmund read from ters  patience, years of study and t modesty, and an aaking, but also faitradiction bet extremely sensitive fingers into treated treat tress: lovingly, enderly sion, greedy but  distinguisaking and giving, filled  also y, masterful and sure as t experience. Goldmund ced admiration. o draer,  not been for tradiction between face and hands which paralyzed him.

    For about an ceadily ist, full of searcs about t of to form inside o become visible in front of  of all,  flaradiction, alt too bore many lines and recalled many struggles. It  greangible, became an entity, a iful controlled moutigo tly sad eyes; ted  for spirituality; te, distinguis since ure from ter ely hin him.

    As t eager, Goldmund cautiously began to draly over t lived in ;  ter,  ice t sloer looking over at imes. Like a sacrificial ritual ask t   o gat t lived in oday. it t,  , situde.

    Niklaus stepped up to table and said: quot;Its noon. Im going to eat; you can come along. Lets see—did you dra;

    epped be t. took t in  of  ter ation. ter stood,  it very carefully ern light-blue eyes.

    quot;; er a while.

    quot;My friend, a young monk and sc;

    quot;Fine. as. My assistants arent side ty.quot;

    Obediently Goldmund  out, found tyard and to knoers ts. er oo iful clot instead of t of stairs—t banister posts—lined atues, into a beautiful room able  iful girl of the evening before.

    quot;Lisbet; ter said, quot;bring anote. Ive broug.  even kno;

    Goldmund said his name.

    quot;Goldmund t;

    quot;In a minute, Fat;

    Sce, ran out and soon returned ils and   in silence, ate a little and felt very ill at ease and apprely, a stately, beautiful figure, almost as tall as  s, ely inaccessible as t speak to tranger, or look at him.

    ing, ter said: quot;Ill rest for o troll around a bit outside. Afteralk.quot;

    Goldmund bo. It er  said a  it. No anot it; ed.  go into t  to see  noo tyard, sat docer trickling endlessly from to tone disiny  fell, altle air do,  t er er days, or Lydias Goldmund, or even ts.  t  all men, trickled aly, until tist-created images remained unche same.

    t fear of deat of all art, per lifes instability, o see t again and again, and ts  oo, are transitory and s create pictures and te ts, it is in order to salvage somet dance of deato make somet lasts longer ter ed or dead, and soon oo,  at able—but ill be standing a  er ciful, forever smiling h.

    er come doairs and ran into ter Niklaus imes  Goldmunds dra ant, dry manner: quot;It is customary for an apprentice to study at least four years, and for o pay for tices;  ter   pay ning,   titc up. Niklaus c laughe coin.

    quot;A ?quot; ;No, young man, you keep your gold piece. Listen noold you omarily deals ices. But I am no ordinary master, nor are you an ordinary apprentice. Usually an apprentice begins ices teen or fourteen, fifteen at test, and  running errands and playing t. But you are a groo your age, you could long er even. Our guild ice. Besides, as I told you before, I dont like to keep an apprentice in my s .quot;

    Goldmunds impatience  its peak. Every neful er put enter all seemed disgustingly boring and pedantic to ly ;ell me all t  to make me your apprentice?quot;

    Firmly ter continued: quot;I  about your request for an  ience to listen to me. I  s, but it is beautiful. If it  beautiful, I ten about you. t is all I  to ist; per is your destiny. But youre too old to become an apprentice. And only an apprentice er in our guild. Noions. But you so give it a try. If you can maintain yourself in ty for a ion, no contract, you can leave again ry your skill at ot satisfy you?quot;

    Ashamed and moved, Goldmund had heard his words.

    quot;I t,quot; ;I am o keep alive in ty as and t you dont y for me as for a young apprentice. I consider it a great fortune to be alloo learn from you. I ttom of my  for doing t;

 11

    Ney; a neially untouc and lig period in Goldmunds life y offered itself in all its arts; t games and images. On tsmansions and experiences. iters  t, and at ters as  to er, colors, varnish, and gold leaf.

    Goldmund  one of tists  means of expression. Quite a number of people are able to feel ty of tly, and to carry  to exteriorize to create t of oto communicate t suffer from to ricks and practices of t, and o play te er o dance on Sundays in t easily; it came by itself.   ies and disappointments, spoiled a fe imes. But ed till, ter en dissatisfied ;Fortunately  youre not my apprentice or my assistant, Goldmund. Fortunately  youve  youll go back t kno youre a er and not a burgisan migo temptation to ask t of you, ter demands of   all  erday you slept yard o polis;

    ter  justifying  a reliable, ask fascinated  like   difficult but demanded time and application. Many of tient parts of craftsmansen completely unbearable to  sometimes made o make ance groer, . ience t noin syntax and all ts indefatigably, alt ttom of , te unimportant to  t. Love eeled ant courtseem and recognition. In to slave for ive glance from teacrangely enoug  learned Narcissus ude for learning, ead of learning, monkue, poincts ers: sex, ers madonna and discovered tist aken a neled doem from?

    At first o define it.  ly admired Master Niklaus, but in no o trasts in ters nature. t least t among t ter  an example.

    Beside tist  beautiful mouto transform deep experience and intuition into tangible forms, ter Niklaus: a someern and fearful fat, sliger and an ugly servant in  ly resisted Goldmunds strongest impulses, o a calm, moderate, orderly, respectable life.

    Alted er, altted o question ot o judge  of oter a year to t detail all t o be kno Niklaus. ter meant muco ed  stay ay, trated ters nature and of  Niklaus alloice nor assistant to live in   out and equally rarely invited guests to  iful daugouc ried to  berict, premature abstinence of tincts ill at play, t ter could strangely transform and rejuvenate o travel for a ferange little toing up a carved pulpit,  Niklaus inely visited a w less and ill-erwards.

    As time  on, somety tied Goldmund to ters ers beautiful daugtracted ly.  to see o t determine  of ure.  overlook t t ter never again invited  ried to make any meeting . Lisbet precious, sered young girl;  o ed to marry o come from a good family, be a member of one of the higher guilds and probably have money and a house besides.

    Lisbety, so different from t of t racted Goldmunds eyes t first day. t   deciprange t violently attracted  also made ated  calm and innocence, y  cesy and ease lay a  reason  move  annoyed and provoked ly familiar to  to create a statue of  t an a a young virgin. en dreamed of seeing iful, immobile face distorted in ecstasy or pain, of seeing it unfold and yield its secret.

    t did not altogeto o capture and re-create artistically, but again and again it dre o  memories, after ion  s of love, during o deat ler. traits and colors o an impersonal moter Niklauss madonnas poion t seemed unsurpassable to Goldmund,  one day, e t, , most c  ant transformation and gro, eac, eac  it and fass traits. to be able to make visible some day  to represent any specific  tself, times  ; often it appeared in

    t  o express, except t ed it to simate relationsasy to pain and death.

    Goldmund learned a great deal in tsman; occasionally, beside  ry  modeling  successful , seductive figure of little Julie, Lydias sister. ter praised t did not fulfill Goldmunds  in metal; oo unce and o become its godfatarted atue of Narcissus, in raying tle Joed to include to execute and on ants e some time, leaving touco ter.

    Goldmund  tatue of Narcissus. ime  off track, and distracted and grumpy over  at . Joures came to meet  of ter and greater purity, ion and y. During t of time. Again  t, ligal feeling in  o o be guided by   anding ting an image of   s o step out of ting transitions of life, to express the pure image of his being.

    times felt rue art came about. ters unforgettable madonna ed in ter again and again on many a Sunday. tatues airs in ters foyer o being in t, sacred manner. And one day t ot e suc, sucial images, untainted by y. But it  t ed: pretty, delig mastery, t lovers, t of coainly, but not sacred, not true images of t only by Niklaus and oters—, in spite of tsmans playto  t in ,  in ist can put sucty t of delig of ambition and dissipation.

    time,   ist in order to make little angel figures and similar frivolities, no matter iful. Perisans, tisfied souls mig  not o  and craftsmansorms.  broug, pleasantness, only small joys. y croask for ter er Niklaus accept all tants? en for o tors and prelates al from icks in to be a famous artist flooded ed to pile up money, not for any great ac or pleasure but for er, iful girl could not come to kno as well in a .

    irred deeply in Goldmund in tions;  ttled, tors. At times craft and master o  en came close to running aer angrily regretted aken on t, unreliable felloried ience to tmost. t Goldmunds life, about o money and o make ic; aken a gypsy into ranger. Nor  escaped  eyes t looked at er Lisbeto be patient, it  out of a sense of duty or out of fear, but because of t. Joatue,   quite admit to er co  of t, ser tiful, yet clumsy dra  time.  tenaciously, unerringly, Goldmund fasatue of ter did not doubt t it erruptions, t it  one of ants o make, a  even great masters did not often accomplise of ter disliked in  fits of rage— t. John.

    During t t of t grace and boyis iful, strong man, muctle popular ly cer years. orld and y, gentle, pious, er student o  o resist a o test . In spite of rong sense of beauty, of  tle beauty ed, y alone, but also a constantly vigilant curiosity. As soon as o a ed  iful to ely. Experience taug every iful and able to bring joy, t a mousy creature ion, t ted ernal, mourningly s tenderness, t eacs and o unlock t respect, all y ure. But not every eful too and prettiest;  some ied o trongly after ten niged after t time and forgotten.

    Love and ecstasy o ruly  gave life its value. Ambition o  distinguisempt for t sacrifice for t not. omen, t on , and  accesses of melanc gre of t desire ransitory, fleeting experience. ts brief, longing flame, its rapid extinction—to o contain to o t all transitory  o love. tasy, at tension, is certain t it must vanis breat loneliness and abandonment to melancain t it  to t side of life. Deatasy ernally sernally sy. t became a parable and a sacred symbol to him.

    Not   o o desire and to deat   penetrated by ood terpart, and tatue of St. Jo visible. o t of tears;   reac become like him.

    Secretly Goldmund also sensed ist meant to ense love of art could also occasionally turn to red.  s but ions, make many different distinctions: art  migart in utter sensuality and lead to total abstraction; t mige in pure concept and end in bleeding fles t ruly sublime, not just a good jugglers trick; t ernal secret, like ters madonna; every obviously genuine  inct and pure spirituality. One day atue, if he succeeded in making her.

    In art, in being an artist, Goldmund say of reconciling  contradictions, or at least of expressing nely t in ure. But art  just a gift. It could not be  cost a great deal; it demanded sacrifices. For over t essential need, t next to desire and love: ing in a limitless —all t  judge e, and overly independent  embittered er nor ure nor need demanded   itself.

    Art, sucual goddess in appearance, required so many petty tools,  and patience. o toxication of to be made again and again, ceeth.

    Part of tures, s ituted a small revenge against tary order of  life. All rengture steamed out of ttack in a dark side street, on o see a girl or on tick, tning sness to pass from defense to attack, to press ting enemy to o land a fist under ttle ily—all tasted good to Goldmund and cured , too.

    All ty to do, and it all made sense as long as . Jo took a long time. t delicate sient concentration. atue in a small s iculously clean, gently brus sa from s ood in front of atue for a long time, an  experience  remain unique. A man on ted, a er t c feel sucions in t: a deep reverence, a great earnestness, and at time a secret fear of t he days.

    years, clad in tiful, favorite disciple, stand listening ed face and an expression of stillness, devotion, and reverence t  unknoo tiful, pious, spiritualized face, to t seemed to be floating, to t despair o traits mig its pitc suffered no discordant note.

    Goldmund stood and contemplated emplation began as a meditation in front of t to  it ended in a tempest of sorroiful disciple  o part omorro  seemed to  it  to say fareoday not only to . Jo also to ter, to ty, to art. to do any more; no images filled

    yet accessible to  be accessible for a long time. So polistle angel figures nos?

    ore o ters ood at til Niklaus noticed  to him.

    quot; is it, Goldmund?quot;

    quot;My statue is finisake a look at it before you go up to eat.quot;

    quot;Gladly. Ill come rig;

    toget. Niklaus  seen t Goldmund undisturbed at   attention. iful and ligern eyes grow happy.

    quot;It is good,quot; ter said. quot;It is very good. It is your assistants piece, Goldmund. No t ter for it; you deserve it.quot;

    Goldmund did not value t ion ters , and he was glad.

    . Jo;ty and lig is grave, but filled  t t lig.quot;

    Goldmund smiled.

    quot;You kno I did not portray myself in t my dearest friend. It is  ligo ture, not I. It  really I ue;  into my soul.quot;

    quot;t may be so,quot; said Niklaus. quot;It is a secret o being. I am not particularly  I must say: I  fall far be in craft and care, but in trut suc be repeated. It is a secret.quot;

    quot;Yes,quot; Goldmund said. quot; it, I t: you cant make t again. And ter, t Ill soon go back to ;

    Astonis ern again.

    quot;ell speak about t. For you,  to run a take t noon youll be my guest.quot;

    At noon Goldmund appeared  and o be invited to ters table. As airs to t atues,  ime, t first time o tiful quiet rooms .

    Lisbetoo, aining tue.

    time  sit in silence alked. Boto oasts. Goldmunds eyes y to study carefully tiful girl inguisly contemptuous face, and  conceal reated eously, but  disappointed t s blused. Again ly to make tiful immobile face speak, to force it to surrender its secret.

    After tatues in ternoon rolled ty, an aimless idler. ly er, beyond all expectation.  not make ive taste?

    ed a  to ter er and   seemed unted ter catue delig iful t. Jo ery, and superior in craft, in free, gravity-less floating. No only an artist sees, soft delicate movements in ties in tion of tive utilization of ties o to ty and dept ties of ely. In order to be able to create a  only to carry images in ones soul; one also o rained, practiced eyes and  er all o place ones entire life at t, at to be able once to make sometiful, somet  only been experienced and envisioned and received in love, but also executed to t detail e mastery? It ant question.

    Late at nigurned to ty on a tired avern still stood open. took bread and o  t, not at peace ions, full of doubts.

 12

    t day Goldmund could not bring o go to  ty. s go to market. ered around tain at t and cc of tly gave in to deated it ion. y for tupid and insensitive?  see tened eyes and ails, te battle, transformation from mysterious, miraculously beautiful animals—t last s ran across t—into flattened, miserable slabs of meat for tables of ticed notoucer could express all ty, and suffering, all tense anguisatue of a saint angibility—tant, in a ed, laugo eacold jokes, screamed over t fine, izens, isfied s oo often been one of t en baked fise  being  sooner or later, as t  plump illusions, all isfaction and self-importance, and idle peace of mind fell ao solitude and brooding, made emplate suffering and deaty of all undertaking, as ared into t otimes a sudden joy blossomed from t infatuation, to sing a beautiful song, to dra, and  o ime, too, it omorroer, t  least it il turned, ting floive, piglike, staring-but-not-seeing ence. It  sucs t Viktor alo orturing curiosity and deep anguisabbed bet lying on pine boug or. en ely,  , decades or just years, until bones lost to th?

    As cplace, feeling pity for t for t and a bitter red against t of Viktor. Per case,  all rotted off, ill  ors life, ories, tastic playfulness of s? as t alive of tence,  been ordinary, otray memories ill a Viktor in tige of  o everyone and everyt soon ed and  y a fe,  for Master Niklaus—ill alive of t of poor lanky Viktors boastful silte. If somebody old  ters licence from t  a faded flohing.

    In ts Goldmund suddenly  lasted only an instant, a lig smile t iful and gruesome. S birt flo rustling autumn leaves, at art, at decay.

    Everyto tones of t o tered bones of tor o steal ers proud cool young daugh.

    tning flaserious mot tinued to tremble deep in Goldmunds soul, t of life, of pain, of longing agitated . No, no,   tiated  to ce-summer moutal smile trembled like !

    Goldmund  to ters  oil o was in.

    quot;May I say a feo you, Master, ? Im starving for a moutrut to say someto you t I migo say rig speak to a and. Im not speaking to ts from great cities and cloisters, ants and a riciful o ter side ty, t beautiful statue I knoo become like o me t goal on eartatue, my statue of St. Jos not made as perfectly as your madonna; but t cant be atues, no idea t demands execution. Or rate image of a saint t Ill o make some day, but not just yet. In order to be able to make it, I must see and experience muco make it in ten years, or later, or never. But until ter, I dont  to isan, lacquering statues and carving pulpits and leading an artisans life in t  to earn money and become like otisans. I dont  t. I  to live and roam, to feel summer and er, experience taste its beauty and its  to suffer , and to rid and purge myself of all I o make sometiful and deeply moving as your madonna—but I dont  to become like you and lead your kind of life.quot;

    ter urned and looked at Goldmund. ern, but not angry.

    quot;You ; ;and I ened. Dont  expecting you to come to o be done. I dont consider you an assistant; you need freedom. Id like to discuss a fe noime, you may spend your ly t I understand you and alk about your future; I il tient! I knooo ant to one; I knoiness. It passes, believe me.quot;

    Goldmund left, dissatisfied. ter meant   along ter  deep; its bed  fis do o ter. er very mucer attracted , one could look treaming, crystal-ter and see ttom, see a vague golden glitter icing sparkle, bits of a broken plate per sickle, or a smoot stone or a polisile, or it mig turbot or redeye turning around do catcant t fins of its scales and belly—one could never make out  tingly beautiful, enticing, brief vague glints of droreasure in t black ground. All true mysteries, it seemed to  like terious er; all true images of tour or s, a beautiful distant possibility t  as sometant in tained, nevert blissful promise, so ting profile of a person, seen imes promise sometely beautiful, sometern  at niging giant spinning s create a s seemed as full of incidents and stories as tly dreams uff, a not contained all tal ties.

    eyes ared into ting river, satom, kings croions in Greek and Latin letters.  alked about it  been, o be able to see o speak elligent voice, wo gold pieces.

    iful, ter, tions, all tions—so inexpressibly beautiful and delig opposite of ty an artist mige? ty of tinguiss  form and consisted of not mystery. te of te precision of . Note as to tion of an incraced tatue; note tive, nothing vague.

    Goldmund and   t o   did not please  all, o e of a certain undeniable beauty. orksal ; ing because t and did not fulfill it. t essential tery. t ruly great  ery.

    Goldmund continued : It is mystery I love and pursue. Several times I  beginning to take sist, I o capture and express it. Some day, pero. t birtery does not consist of t detail, of a particular voluptuousness or sparseness, coarseness or delicacy, po consists of a fusion of test contrasts of t cannot ot  togetenderness and cruelty, life and destruction. If I only imagined ts, it  matter about ake and forget about  t an idea of mine; I did not t o me one er nigo  over t s en lose it; for long periods it remains remote; but suddenly it flas did today. t of all, ransformed itself into t in the cherry.

    As  situation became clear to o make a decision. It  as o ter. Once more ant road: to ake so all? Per  one t o travel toion, a golden sery. At any rate, o folloo ar.

    And no ips; everyt iful t it  for  to follo, but only tinue to perfect ty of er Niklaus  led to fame and reputation, to money and a settled life, and to a drying up and do  led to making pretty, precious toys, all kinds of ornate altars and pulpits, St. Sebastians and cute, curly angels  four guilders a piece. O t tterflys ely more beautiful, alive, and precious t.

    A boy came singing doimes errupted by a bite into a big piece of  crumb iny balls .  railing and to ter, sae ball sink into t until it disappeared into one of tisfaction er ball go under and disappear. t  to see one of c;My Lady of Sausages and ; itle o tcing o give tle nouriso slip in s and eat outdoors, ened e scent of fruit blossomed in the spring.

    But to be ions. As Kat to  of retc o make tual signal, imes ood ing in t es: sep back, reappear promptly at t, and, roke tle and press o ed of  seemed infinitely stupid and ugly to provoke ten experienced t in it, to receive to feel urdy breasts press against tle as t. Suddenly  rait of soul-less  in erious in ure froze in mid-air; till in love ill desire oo often. All too often  a prompting from .  ill been all rigerday oday. till standing t urned a, determined never to go back t someone else stroke ts! Let someone else eat t, y stuffed and squandered day in, day out! idious t burgiful fisten ingly like t burgo a  of bread tasted more delicious t, tracks peered at attentively in ty, among tablis so little, even love. . Suddenly  on it. Life  its meaning; it er  iful, it  . Jo it ed.  up in a violent en deeply tortured and intoxicated ed, every desire quickly exed; not bones and dust. But one ternal mot, forever young, ant: a giant figure ars in  on ter floer life, o ttomless void.

    During ted ty in a drunken depression of bidding fareced piece of life fade aook great pains to provide for ure and tried to make less guest settle doers diploma and conceived a plan to tie Goldmund to  as a subordinate, but as an associate, e all important orders and s mig least because of Lisbet even t assistant Niklaus o could not atue like Goldmunds St. Joive force, and   to see o tsmans be easy to  o take the risk.

    ter ed. tic and present iful neance by t Lisbeting somet since t noon. And Lisbet opposed to it. If to settle doer of , sion. tacles on er Niklaus and  did not fully succeed in taming t.

    Everyt izingly before trap for to er sent for Goldmund, o dinner. Again  in tiful, somes to master and daugil finally ter left t fort plan and made his offer.

    quot;I tood me,quot; ;and I need not tell you t probably no young man ed to master as rapidly,  even serving tices. Your fortune is made, Goldmund.quot;

    Goldmund looked at er  ill ed t Niklaus le because of t loafing, and t ay ant. And no sad and constrained, sitting across table from t find a ready answer.

    ters face greed ed immediately y. ood up and said: quot;ell, my proposal comes unexpectedly. Pero t it. It does offend me a little t it s I  joy. But never mind, take your time and t over.quot;

    quot;Master,quot; Goldmund said, fig;dont be angry  for your goodience aug ed I am to you. But I need no time to t over, I ;

    quot;Decided ;

    quot;I ed your invitation and before I  going to remain ;

    Niklaus turned pale and looked at him darkly.

    quot;Master,quot; begged Goldmund, quot;I do not . I must leave, I must travel, I must be free. Let me t us bid eac;

    o tears. Niklaus did not take urned er, eps ec.

    Suddenly ter stopped, made a dreadful effort to control  Goldmund, teet;All rig! But go at once! Do not force me ever to see you again! I dont  to do or say anyt I mig later. Go!quot;

    Once more Goldmund  er looked as to spit at it. Goldmund turned, noly out of tside  on  doairs, letting airs ered tyard, stood for a  t  ts castle and poor Lydia.

    At least it  least not  and city became transformed,  familiar take on  t o a strange  o him.

    Back in o prepare for ure. Not mucion ure on t ed, a gentle madonna, and a ferifles t , a pair of dancing se, a number of small clay figures s from er, of raded trong ing knife, ting stone in tyard.  to t door, gave ting of to  in exccs in tcick, and put in to stay behind.

    ty to erday,  telling ic souvenirs taco one o move on, but t to be taken seriously. o no one but t in t morning.

    And yet t up in to tc milk just as  to sneak out. It er of teen, a quiet sickly creature iful eyes  made ely pale but carefully dressed and combed, s milk and bread in tco see  of pity kissed ly, h closed eyes, she received his kiss.

 13

    During t days of  greedy o live timeless life of traveler. Obedient to no man, dependent only on  a goal before to every ence. t of Paradise; t of   to moment: sun, rain, fog, sno, and ime does not exist for tory, or ambition, or t bizarre idol called progress and evolution, in e or crude, artful or a day of creation, before tory of tincts and needs. elligent or stupid; ing fragility of all living ttily and fearfully eacure carries its bit of omac, tablisor,  all existence is transitory, t life is constantly ing, t merciless icy deathe cosmos all around.

    ts mots turning as openness and constant secret intimacy ed and molded Goldmunds soul. But mind and ist, and t. Any life expands and floradiction.  are reason and sobriety  toxication?  is sensuality  deatanding be?  is love  ternal mortal enmity of the sexes?

    Summer sank aumn; painfully Goldmund struggled tter mont-smelling spring. ily to ten t t, eerie onrusely droinctive basic  in -filled moments of rest, overlooking a floing valley, ist. ely to  ting nonsense of life ransform it into sense.

    One day er ure or raveled any  by  titiously attaco  get rid of e some time. t like Viktor. o Rome, a still young man,  isan. For a time tended t. Gallus monks, and o Rome. It ion and  opportunity to carry it out. tunity presented itself maker. t announced to er t notop ting out on o Rome, to satisfy one for ubborn, and instead of taking care of t out on  er. o travel, and to ty, an inclination to linger in ty of cuals, a deligisms, burials, incense, and burning candles. tle Latin, but  striving for learning but ratemplation and quiet adoration in ts. ely zealous altar boy. Goldmund did not take   a sliginctive surrender to  time of  entedly set out and ed tality of cloisters and parsonages, looked at tains and at t very  all famous s, and breatayed aered tle er ime taken over ties and privileges of trious cabinetmakers assistant, and ruled over  turned pilgrim soon realized  needed. ioned setting out on neravels, no one asked o stay.  take it too muco .  on pilgrims clot out  a goal, straigly vagrant. Copper souvenir coins from well-known pilgrim sinkled around his body.

    Goldmund,  small toraveling companion. Goldmund pleased ly. y, rengt used to eaco get along  tolerate:  and ignored t exist. During t nor ask questions nor console Goldmund; one o let . Robert  long in learning ticed t Goldmund kne of Latin verses and songs by . one figures outside tals of a caty rokes, and  e of God and practically a magician. Robert also sa Goldmund e of ain till o admire .

    One day terrupted in an unexpected manner. ts armed ed to t turn around at once and never come back, t ten to deatopped and ; tone against . urned to Robert, but Robert arted running. ts advanced teningly, and Goldmund  to follo ed for he middle of a field.

    quot;You ran like a ; laug;But o place armed sentinels outside tten little too let people in—I  all means.quot;

    Robert didnt kno certain experiences in an isolated farm morning made t. ted of a , a stable, and a barn surrounded by a green crop  trees, lay strangely still and asleep: tfalls, no c a sound. In tyard, a coood in t ime to milk epped up to to table; it  to ts stra t find a soul to tonised ead. Several times t ts; no ansried to open it. to  unlocked, and ered tc;God bless you,quot; ;Nobody ; t remained silent. Robert stayed outside. Impelled by curiosity, Goldmund advanced furt, a strange, disgusting smell. to it: sparks still gleamed at ttom under ciced someone sitting in t beside tting t looked like an old o be under a spell. itap ouced  s stir and  sting in a cobo ;S;   so make sure, ried to revive tcil a flame s up and o lig up to till open, staring empty and leaden. tting in the chair. ell, she was beyond help.

    itick in o a back room,  or nine, . tle fists. t Goldmund. As to tters  pouring in. Carefully inguisorc on the floor.

    ty, and tra from under coarse gray ss. In tiffly on  back t ly in unfamiliar colors of deato ter jug er  and  yet been completely absorbed by t o a ely entangled in ss and blanket, lay a big, o tra lig and ttled in tousled linen, lay a raw-blond as sains in her dead face.

    Goldmunds eyes traveled from corpse to corpse. terribly disfigured, but o te desire to flee, especially in t resign itself to dying. tubbornness and  eeply, rigidly into t of a tlefield. , taut, stubbornly controlled posture iful; it  been a petty, coouctle corpse of ts belly across told not ture across ts told a great deal: incompreruggle against un o ttentively. ts in t encill, it all traction for ness, of fate. It  it stirred  and penetrated his soul.

    Robert side, ience and fear. Goldmund , but at t  ty and cy, compared to ty of t anss calls; ely to t of t strange mixture of -felt compassion and cold observation of tist. ook in all tails: t figures, tterns in  , and range, terrible smell! like ill gloely filled rated by deat faces; rats  t ot and poorest performance, t and decaying, udied it.

    Finally Roberts yelling outside to disturb  out.  .

    quot; ; rangled voice. quot;Isnt t eyes you ;

    Goldmund measured him coolly.

    quot;Go in and take a look. trange farm. Afteriful co;

    antly Robert entered t, discovered tting at t out a loud scream w s, .

    quot;For ting t be?  anyone  to smell.quot;

    Goldmund smiled.

    quot;Youre a great ; but you came back out too fast. A dead old ting in a c is indeed a strange sig if youd eps fartranger still. t. tire family. ts w;

    stared at ;Noand   to let us into terday. Os all clear to me. ts tayed in time, maybe you even touc a come near me, Im sure youre infected. Im sorry, Goldmund, but I must go, I cant stay ;

    urned to run but  reprimand, and mercilessly o tugged.

    quot;My dear little boy,quot; one, quot;youre more intelligent t t. ell,  in t farm or village. Yes, its probably t safe and sound. But, little Robert, I cant let you run a, and ed yourself in t let you run off to lie do of eart oo sad to bear. Listen ttention to  going to say it t can  you or it can  me. taying togetogetogets a promise. And if I die, t care. But until t! e need eac your trap; I dont  to  some ;

    t moment on Goldmund commanded and Robert obeyed, and bot. Robert made no more attempts to flee. ;You frig. I didnt like your face   you  t isnt tely. as it so terrible, ;

    quot;It  terrible,quot; Goldmund said slo;I sa does not a you and me and everybody, even if  catc;

    As t, reigning over t let strangers in; ot treet. Many farms stood deserted; many unburied corpses lay rotting in tarved in stables; otock ran ; ted many a goatlet or piglet at t and drank erless cellar. t it tasted only o t lived in constant fear of t sick at t of ten ely beside  t  time, for to be a preventative, and felt o see if bumps were forming on s.

    Goldmund often scolded and made fun of  s. Fascinated and depressed, ricken country, attracted by t of t deatumn,  imes to ic face h.

    One day to a small to side tes defensive ramparts ran ire city  tinel standing up t tes. Robert refused to enter too go in eit tolled. A priest came out of ty gates, a cross in s, ts, the animals on.

    Robert disappeared, s at a s distance. teps fartery: a ed  vast as a ood and looked on as ts affs and boat ossed to t  sly creep back into ty. No one ried to t. Goldmund looked in: fifty or more persons lay top of tiff and accusing, an arm or a leg rose in t fluttered timidly in the wind.

    begged  on o flee to beg, for  look tion in and concentration on  dreadful curiosity t oo familiar.  able to o town.

    es, and at teps many toes rose up in al sound of ttling of carts and many ote and coarse, all braided togeto a  bore ness to many forms of le, and communication. e, in ty street, not by t noisy cter of a running o a roll; t out to ed for Goldmund to place money into t  cursing, closed tle  into t paying. Before tty ood a roed leaves tery. From anot street Goldmund saty girl standing becil s  smile spread over her blushing face.

    quot;Soon t;  face out of the window.

    quot;Not sick yet?quot; ;ty of deato t;

    ions.

    quot;Dont t over too long. I mean it,quot; Goldmund called up to ;Are you rangers? Strangers, I see. Come along t t to  of fun ime. Come along, little bro;

    Sant and surprised. Sloed street and till at to see urn. So er  up es, a small bundle in ied around her head.

    quot;s your name?quot; he asked.

    quot;Lene. Ill go s so y; everybody is dying. Lets leave. Lets leave.quot;

    Not far from tes Robert ared  once.  cursed plague   only crazy, it empting God. ,  going to stay ience o an end.

    Goldmund let  until o say.

    quot;t; ;no y company. ays  I  to do you a favor too, Robert. Listen: for a y , or ress, and youll be our friend and live o be a little pleasant and friendly now. All rig;

    O was deligo souches …

    No, said Goldmund, no one , it rictly forbidden to touc;Dont you dare!quot;

    All t in silence, to talk. o see sky and trees and meado ricken city, more ell. And so clear  of all told so many aories: ttle to ors er tting, because nobody came to take ters stole, pillaged, and o ts o t of tale so tell, and no one interrupted  listened uous terror, Goldmund silent and unruffled, letting t and making no comment.  o say? Finally Lene greired, tream dried up, s of words.

    Goldmund began to ly o sing, a song s, and  o smile; Robert listened, deligrange man!  ts rose up far over tains, weps.

    quot;Youre in sucoday,quot; said Robert.

    quot;Of course Im in a good mood today, I found sucty love. O t you beomorrotle o ill toget musumn, t t;

    quot;O; s;Ive seen lots of t;

    quot;Your  same mus smells just as good. Sill c;

    t day t t. Perters  it. It stood empty, and t agreed t t and a  stray goats and aken a fine one along hem.

    quot;ell, Robert,quot; said Goldmund, quot;alter, you maker. ere going to live  build us a partition for our castle, to make t. e dont  to eat; today  be satisfied s milk, no matter tle tomorro to look for food.quot;

    Immediately everybody set to  to find stra s and cut small bircs to make a   finis in one day and t evening  outside to sleep in t playmate in Lene, s deeply loving. Gently ook o ime, listening to , long after sired and satiated. led close to  flat pit into iful, beautiful and fleeting as iful and ed fast.

    tition of t ty. All t it finally. Robert ed to s alked about all ted to build, if only ools, a straig o be satisfied ting a dozen small bircs and building a coarse sturdy fence in t. But, o be filled in ed juniper. t took time, but it became gay and pretty; everybody  to gater t, and Goldmund scoured ttle ted. Robert  t: tamination as  it age: ttle to eat. t  not far a corpses time, and Goldmund proposed to move to t ratay in t Robert s like to see Goldmund enter ty  over  to be smoked and ouc. Goldmund didnt find mucs, a milk pail, a fe one day  tray c a little prettier eac took anot into service and also found a small field full of turnips. t a  far and  er. ten sang as they worked.

    One day, as t togettled life, Lene said suddenly in a dreamy tone: quot;But ;

    No one ans laugared strangely aually Lene noticed t neit of er, t neit of remaining sucime in t t she was among wayfarers. She hung her head.

    to a c;Youre a peasants daugs al be afraid. Youll find your  last forever. to your parents, or to urn to ty and earn your bread as a maid. But nos still summer. Deat t t  is pretty, and s ime as ;

    quot;And after; Lene asked violently. quot;After is all over? And you go a me?quot;

    Goldmund caug it softly.

    quot;Silly little girl,quot; ;ten tside tes o be lying in t tle nig. t you escaped, be glad t your dear life is still in your veins, t you can still laug;

    Sill not satisfied.

    quot;But I dont  to go a; s;Nor do I  to let you go.  soon all will be finis;

    Once more Goldmund ans  in his voice.

    quot;About t, little Lene, ts ing  if  fire to t te and eac talked enoug;

    Ss , but a shadow had fallen over her joy.

 14

    Before summer ed completely, life in t came to an end in a  imagined. One day Goldmund  t, o ridge or some ot far aime to time  of , or ole a fe enderly, ioned autumn and ture. S s s and s let  oo. Ill try to get back to ty er Niklaus. Ill spend ter t spring Ill buy myself a ne must be ten years since I last saw  see wo.

    An unfamiliar sound roused s, and suddenly  all s and desires ently. ted itself;  , irritated t s ress. er, still some pity and inued. o see ely torn, screaming and ling rying to rape -up anger, lessness,  in a  ttacker. ried to pin Lene to ts ranger . It felt tringy, covered  until t go of ttling ed, o a feruding from ted man, imes in t till not fully vented; o mangle ther.

    Radiant, Lene sat and cs rembling all over and panting, but soget and admiration scruder ttling orted, t beard and tifully to one side. triump Lene sat up and fell against Goldmunds , but suddenly surned pale. Frigill in  sick. Exed, so t soon so o t s; one ce eeth.

    ture excited Robert enormously. ly ails of t. quot;You broke ! Goldmund, you are a terrifying man.quot;

    But Goldmund did not feel like talking about it any more; ing Viktor o  o s Robert up, ;No rid of ts too difficult to dig a , t over to t up ones and eart; But Robert turned doed no commerce  infested he plague.

    Lene e in  , but soon s better, got up again, made a fire and cooked t Goldmund sent o bed early. Sion for aciturn; Robert realized it and left er Goldmund  to bed. Listening,  over Lene. Sless;  tor, felt anguiso move on; playing o an end. One ticularly pensive.  Lenes look ossed range look.   it: pride and triumped from ed eyes, a deep passionate desire to participate in to kill.  in a  been for t look, ,  ten Lenes face one day, after a number of years. It -girl face large, beautiful, and  experienced anyt made ;One ougo dra!quot; t look o quiver terror.

    sleep, and finally  up and  outside. It one, dros and deep sadness.  sorry for Viktor and for today. ted t innocence, t cy of er, left Narcissus, offended Master Niklaus and renounced beautiful Lisbeto camp in track stray cattle, and kill t poor felloones? Did all t  greigempt.  ared into t clouds, and as ared, s stopped;  knoo t as one, a large pale face appeared like far-a looked  suddenly its eyes opened  and murder. Goldmund slept until the dew fell on him.

    t day Lene ay in bed, for to be done: in t  ted until t one of ted. Lene felt very sick. Goldmund examined  it secret, but Robert became suspicious  recovered.  stay in t. side, ake t along too:  get infected.

    quot;Go to ; Goldmund yelled at ;I dont  to see you ever again.quot;  and pulled o ition. Robert disappeared  a  t. . o t.

    Goldmund said to Lene: quot;Ill stay   ;

    She shook her head.

    quot;Be careful, love. Dont catcoo; you mustnt come so close to me. Dont try so o console me. Im going to die, and Id raty one morning because you  me. Ive t of it every morning and been afraid of it. No, Id rat;

    In tremely ime to time and napped a little in bet,  looked so ed and flabby. For a moment epped outside to get some air and look at t red fir trunks at t s rays of sun; tasted fres; tant ill seps, stretcired legs, and breatiful t ime to say goodbye.

    Robert called to . as ster? If it  tay. Goldmund s be angry cime.

    quot;Go to ; Goldmund sed over to ;Lene is dying, and I too am infected.quot;

    t to get rid of Robert.  be a  Goldmund oo coty; eful, s vanis return. tly.

    o Lene, soo fell asleep once more, and in iful cnut tree at ter;  as t and beautiful ely remote, deserted region, and o  up on  so no one. Sammering tle laugo  again. Goldmund got up and bent over ter curiosity raced t torting and muddying. Dear Lene, called , dear s coo already  to leave me? have you already had enough of me?

    o run ao ired, see ne  o lie tside every feo breat imes  outside, for it to feed and drink er and move around. Once more ood at Lenes bed, murmured tender o ared incessantly into e but attentive, to cimes s, and ing grandmot on ;Goldmund,quot; or quot;lover,quot; and tried to  ongue;  opped and a s ily at t. en pitied in t: t t  inguiser and life. For a  out and sat do and o t and let t. After straying a s distance, it lay do, s flank, and slept until t. t into t for t time, stepped be time at t did not feel rigo o let t out, filled  into t. truck fire. From t ook not t. In an instant tly. ood outside and cil t beams cras jumped  to kill t a piece of it and eat it, to rengt  bring o kill t;  off into to t. Never before  so disconsolate setting out on a journey.

    And yet t lay in store for  began  farms and villages and continued to groerrible as  land lay under a cloud of deaty arved on tting, ttered unburied corpses, ts at ty gates  t. t o  t of range, dreadful ts y  corpses unburied or, folloore t and tossed ts. Frigives  alone, turned primitive, avoiding all contact ogeted, terrified lust for life, drinking and dancing and fornicating side cemeteries, unkempt, mourning or cursing,  outside ty  of all, everybody looked for a scapegoat for   on tentionally caused it. Grinning, evil people, t on spreading deatracting t on tle . ed of t, unless o flee: eito deators. In one toc o ives back into ty of fear and bitterness, innocent people ortured everyroyed and poisoned; to be no more joy, no more innocence, no more love on earten  feasts of te dancers. Everys sound. Often icipated in mad orgies, played te or danced ts in t torches.

    afraid.  tasted t er nigors fingers clutc , and later in t , against omaced body, ,  no one could figo let it rage and give in. Goldmund  seemed as terested in life, since  Lene be, since ated by deat enormous curiosity drove  igable, cening to transitory.  go out of  t passion to participate, to e moldy bread in empty  ts, plucked t-ing flo, looked into tares of to tupid eyes of to te, feverise of soup, t s song, and Goldmund  h burning passion.

    er Niklauss city; ts ed by to t gloh eager senses.

    In a cloister ly painted fresco. o look at it for a long time. A dance of deated on a  of life, king and bis and earl, knigor, peasant, lansquenet—everyone ook along on musicians played on ing. An unknoer lesson of table end so everyones ear. It ure, and a good sermon; ted t ratly ecure. And yet it  ion to die t ed ern and merciless end. But Goldmund  sound, not bony and severe, but s rative, moticement to come o life, t only s also deep and loving, autumnal, satiated, ttle lamp of life glo to ot be a o ress; its call ing call, its toucer looking at ted deat drao ter and to   everyrils y or curiosity claimed an extra ra day. For t boy arved midget of five or six  rid of. Finally a peat diggers ook ted to tle life in terless dog accompanied e out of , but one morning it too strayed off. Goldmund o speaking to tful conversations  tence of God, about art, about ts and s very young daugurally grorifle mad during rifle mad, and many ely insane. Perrifle insane—a beautiful dark girl  two days.

    side a small to remely beautiful, and   and talked to ing t  beauty. So aseen otoies. So flee but urned in desperation and ly o ing alked to ly, murmured sympatically, and protectively offered o ill  o cened to er soo, slept a little, and in tsold  s stay alone like t be recognized as a Jeed  y elligent eyelids and graceful so be devoured by animals or burned at take. Dark-faced, sened to o cer cinue.

    quot;Rebekka,quot; ;cant you see t I dont mean you any   to  love rig tomorroer, or later, Ill ask you again. Until tect you and bring you food and I  touc. You so be sad  brings you joy.quot;

    But o t  to do anyt brougterly and angrily. Sed to do e ter. alked too much.

    quot;You,quot; ;dont you see t deat people are dying in every o everytupid people  is t of too muc us too, and  in t us live a little before it comes to t and be s to eac ! Dear beautiful girl, do come  touc to see you and take care of you.quot;

    ime. Suddenly ood  o court s.  and looked at aut ion.

    quot;ts ; sred and contempt. quot;ts ians are! First you er bury  fingernail oget is done, ter must belong to you and go off  I t per ;

    As sred, somet touc deep to .  to die but to die, to be alloo die,  to ther.

    quot;Rebekka,quot; ly, quot;per. I am not a good person, alt ood you.quot;

    o o a countess, and ; o let ime  like speaking to no one. As little as t proud Je for a o ter Rebekka.

    of ts of ty of  ined to joy and flo o dying. O ts so t;pigsquot; and rot in to save sucinued to live in error and delig  tatues. Orained at o come to ly, to let t, to convert to lasting images! ill open and ill curious, but no longing for paper and crayon, for clay and wood, for workroom and work.

    Summer  tumn or ter. It umn  gaiety. Goldmund passed regions in o  t. It fell off trees and rotted in t oties came to pillage, brutally robbing and squandering.

    Sloretcimes seized   be caug table. ed to die, not before tasting tanding once more in a ion. For t time in oo ty toice o stay; no pretty peasant girl retain .

    At one point s portal stood many stone figures in deep niced by ornamental small columns: very old figures of angels, disciples, and martyrs, like times. In er in Mariabronn t,  t  passion; tiful and dignified to  a little too solemn and stiff and old-faser, after ed by Master Niklauss s sad madonna at t long journey, one figures too  tain contempt and ers neype of art mucense, and animated. Nourning from a  adventures and experiences, filled algia for consciousness and neion, oucraordinary porict, ancient figures. Reverently ood before t of long-past days continued to live on, in er centuries, ts of long-since-vanisions, frozen to stone, offered resistance to time. A feeling of admiration rose , and of  ed, burned-up life.   done for an infinitely long time. o a confessional to confess and be punished.

    t no priests. tal, or tamination. ty. Goldmunds steps econe vault.  before an empty confessional, closed o t;Dear God, see  and little remains. I olen, I en te us t your c die for us? Are ts and angels to guide us? Or are tty, invented stories t ell to c o doubt you, Lord. You ed t in bad order. I reets littered  ter ttle; I  people suffer and die, and many a y. ely forgotten and abandoned us, are you completely disgusted ion, do you  us all to peris;

    itepped out tal and sa statues, angels and saints stand all in tiffly folded goed by trict and deaf tood to any request or question. And yet te consolation, a triump victory over deatood in ty and beauty, surviving one dying generation of men after anotiful Rebekka soo, and poor Lene er Niklaus! One day tand up t t meant love and torture to oday, fear and passion, and before later generations, nameless,  ory, silent symbols of human life.

 15

    GoIdmund spent a day of ience roaming in to ers beautiful madonna in ter.  to see  t er Niklaus t nigime.  be of s duration, migo danger per today it  to miss any of it.   to see people, to be distracted; ed to spend tumn day outside, rees and clouds. old Marie t ryside and mige. o give   up for , stuffed s full of bread and apples, ran a brus,  him go.

    rolled across teep-stepped paty vineyards, lost  on ts, and did not stop climbing until  plateau. tedly trees. Blackbirds scurried before eps; sreated into t y looked like a toy; not a sound rose from it, except t of teau t pagan days, perifications, perombs.  doumn grass on t valley, tains beyond to tains and sky merged in bluisainty and could no longer be told apart.  ance muc. A imes  in ts, eaten berries, been ain ridges, and stretcigued. Someance, far out of t migill be  caug tor; and someed distance, er of le of t iful daugitute, ill roaming t peristered places, s, toles and cloisters, and people alive and dead existed inside ance,  oo, tomorro, er nig  ed somet somet would survive him.

    Up to notle remained of   out in t remained . Joure book, tiful, ac visible to ot go on to a restless, torturous as iful overflo?

    It  ones senses play, drank full at tive mot— bliss but ection against deat, colorful today and rotten tomorro up a defense, imprisoned oneself for ried to build a monument to ting passage of life—t a tool; one enlisted in t  ones freedom, scope, lust for life. ts er Niklaus.

    Ac  split by ttle alternative! to create,  sacrificing ones senses for it. to live,  renouncing ty of creating. as t impossible?

    Per lose ty by being faittled, did not s dried up by lack of freedom and lack of risk. Per one.

    All existence seemed to be based on duality, on contrast. Eitary burg time as , be a man as inct and mind. One al as important and desirable as t easier in t. Nature ed t desire bore its fruit automatically, t ternal longing replaced tility. as ted everytile, did  ion? No,  be evil; ed t and ts, flo t ran tire creation. Per  turned out rige—or did God intend t  iful and  man created and gave back to God as a sacrifice of this longing?

    s depressed urned oy, saplace, t, to oress,  nigo o experience t nigo o make t marvelous aug nigy rees, er, fisterflies. For tasy and danger, ored up during to complain.

    all day on tumnal s, ing, eating bread, toole. It ared out of quiet red roop of singing boys carrying  turnips o ttle mummery left a scent of er in its er time rolled about outside tle. taries ill t silted in one of to creep inside and find Berta, ttle closet room until Agnes appeared and silently led o enderly iful face received enderly, but not ened. o try very o ctle. Slotle of her confidence.

    quot; you can be,quot; sefully. quot;You , my golden bird, o an end any urn. t is angry today. ts  not set eyes on you! You  live t ;

    sounds rose in   o ender-sad. ts o come to  nigo , t tender-anguis  secrecy?   risk?

    Gently o o  touced o find ened and en.

    Suddenly sarted as a nearby door eps approached.

    quot;O!quot; s;Quickly, you can escape t room.  betray me!quot;

    So t room. ood alone groping antly in t speak loudly to Agnes.  o t one foot before to tried to open it. And only at t moment,   could be an unfortunate coincidence t someone er   believe so. o a trap; . Someone must   rembling, ood in tely t of Agness last ;Dont betray me!quot; No,  betray  pounded, but teadied eeth.

    It all  came in from Agness room, a candlestick in  . At t, Goldmund ily scooped up a fes t ake  .

    t saw  once. Slowly he came closer.

    quot; are you doing ;

    quot;Forgive me,quot; ook. ;

    And  ts on the floor.

    quot;A t  intelligent of you to risk your life for a fes. Are you a burgy?quot;

    quot;No, my lord, Im ;

    quot;Silence! I  to kno t since youll be  o pry into t. t is enoug;

    Violently  t;Are you t;

    tside, and tmen stood in readiness h drawn blades.

    quot;tie ; called t in a voice t croaked ; eal. Put omorro;

    Goldmunds ied;  up no resistance. airs, tyard, a butler carrying a torcopped in front of a round, iron-studded cellar door, sed and cursed because t in tmen took torcler ran back to fetcood, ting outside t pus curiously on to Goldmunds face. At t ts le le copped in front of t t scene attentively: tmen, tood ting.

    Goldmund noticed neits nor  t o  aring eyes ood ts ly to one of t to deat been caug.

    quot;to ; said t. quot;Before early mass Ill bring s and o me t  be led ao t till  to confession and ts like any otian.quot;

    t contradict. tary. imes at ts table. And besides, w be deprived of confession?

    ts ared. Finally tler came o a cellar, and stumbled doeps. A couple of tools  around a table; it eroom of a ool to down.

    quot;tomorro is coming to confess you,quot; one of t and carefully locked the heavy door.

    quot;Leave me t, brot; begged Goldmund.

    quot;No, fello along  it. t o get used to t last any  .quot;

    Noool and laid able. It o sit ts ; but trated er. At first , able as t to be decapitated.  to impress upon  : to accept table, to accept dying.

    For an eternity  t  over, trying to accept , to breat in, and fill . It  omorroo sit on and pick at.  Master Niklaus  , like all ts. It  easy to accept t, to let . It ely impossible to accept it. too many t yet given up, to  said goodbye. t o do just t.

    o say fareo beautiful Agnes. Never again o kiss it many times more. Oe autumn sun,  of o o say fareo to te-clouded sky, trees and forests, to imes of day, till sitting up, even no, sitting and ing, falling asleep in c no Goldmund would ever come home.

    Oed to make—gone, gone! And t. Jo too o be given up.

    And o say fareo o , to love, to playing te, to sleeping and o everytomorro, a girl ars  snoant mountains—everytrees  t of t  Goldmund. Noto c all.

    asted t young s; ire colorful . In parting, all of lifes beautiful confusion s tear upon tear drop from o tears flooded out; collapsing, o te pain. Oains, brooks among green elms, o evenings on tiful radiant image e boy. From t, a sig rose: quot;O;

    And as   ts and artists dreams. It iful and alive, t seen it since er days. to o  o die, to o , therly hands.

    And so weeping ion and sleep  an wo, escaping his misery.

    violent pain. s burned  trouble sitting up; to and realized o take o die. t .  t ts ion of o  kno, an eternity.  all certitude about things.

    But y or not:  desire it, ed not ransitory life, t ed to live. Furiously  up, groped o to to be an escape! Per  o say a good ion or make  over t  couldnt be over yet. First ry to . ry as o co enlist o convince o flatter  ies ill, tiny: t omac collapse, some unforeseeable possibility of escape migo die; ried to accept e, and . , ruggle, rip ttack t for o t moment,  to untie  deal would be gained.

    In time ried, in spite of to  teet er a cruelly long time, in making ttle looser. Panting, ood in t of ing terribly. ten  along tep by step, exploring truding edge. teps over o t and tried to rub t tones. It . Again and again s instead of t tone; t   give up. rip of gray morning ie it;  aftero to exercise to move to make tream t seemed good to him.

    If  succeed in persuading t to  test time, o kill  ools.  strangle rengt beat t to deato o be outside tle, and t he plan would work.

    Never in ctention, longed for it and yet feared it. Quivering ension and determination, crip of liger. o table and practiced croucool ween his

    knees so t t be noticed immediately. Since ermined to get to be smasermined to live at any cost. ell, perside o  reac  s sa  t srust? And if nobody appeared and no sign  succeed, ool, tain of one advantage: omed to tinctively all t fees at least.

    Feveris table, t o t to s o begin. At time c s ; terrible tension  be bearable mucrengto come soon ,  readiness, ermined o be saved ill in tage.

    Finally tside aeps resounded on t in t, a key urned: eac like ter thly silence.

    Slo, creaking on its  came in, alone,  a guard, carrying a candlestick  at all he prisoner had imagined.

    rangely moving: t  of Mariabronn, t t Abbot Daniel, Fatin had once worn!

    t stabbed at ; o look aer  till t. eet his friar.

 16

    quot;Praised be t; said t and placed tick on table. Goldmund murmured taring straight ahead.

    t said noted and said notil Goldmund greless and searco t of him.

    to  only  of t.

    And nos face. It ,   seemed completely formed by mind and eady ick, lifted it and  closer to tranger, to see ick s it back on table.

    quot;Narcissus!quot;  inaudibly. to spin around him.

    quot;Yes, Goldmund, I used to be Narcissus, but I abandoned t name a long time ago; youve probably forgotten. Since took t;

    Goldmund s of  tened to crembled; dizziness made y bladder; omacracted. Beo sink into o dissolve in tears, to faint.

    But a  t of Narcissus   of tiful, strict face, t eyes.  again. Like a g, Narcissus  trangest moment of o save  to break into sobs in front of ? No, no, no. rolled , forced omaco be calm,  of  show any weakness now.

    In an artificially controlled voice, o say: quot;You must permit me to go on calling you Narcissus.quot;

    quot;Do, my friend. And dont you  to s;

    Again Goldmund dominated ubborn, sligone, like taken in udent days,  an answer.

    quot;Forgive me, Narcissus,quot; rifle blasé. quot;I see t you . But Im still a vagrant. And besides, our conversation, as muc,  unfortunately last very long. Because, Narcissus, Ive been sentenced to to clarify tuation for you.quot;

    Narcissuss expression did not cing streak in titude and at time touc ood and keenly appreciated t kept Goldmund from collapsing tearfully against . oo, ly, but ion o ttle comedy. Goldmund could not o  any faster.

    quot;ell yes,quot; ended casualness. quot;But I can reassure you about t to tell you t, and to take you a remain in ty. So ime to c ;

    time, pressing  tayed brittle and playful for a while longer.

    quot;Fine, Narcissus, lets leave treat, and Ill join your retinue. Are you traveling back to Mariabronn? You are. onderful.  ion of getting a ;

    quot;ell get a ;

    quot;Never mind, Narcissus. I did t to my ied me up and I o get free. It  easy. Besides, it o come in  an escort.quot;

    quot;;

    quot;O danger of being murdered by me. Because ts old me a priest would come. Id ;

    quot;You didnt  to die ted to fig;

    quot;Indeed I did. Of course I could  t ;

    quot;Still,quot; Narcissus said antly, quot;t  ;

    quot;Not you, Narcissus, of course, and probably no priest  any ot, yes, I assure you.quot; Suddenly ;It   man Ive murdered.quot;

    t. Bot embarrassed.

    quot;ell, alk about t some otime,quot; Narcissus said in a cool voice. quot;You can confess to me some day, if you feel like it. Or you can tell me about your life. I, too,  to tell you. Im looking foro it. S;

    quot;One moment more, Narcissus! I just remembered somet;

    quot;I dont understand.quot;

    quot;No, of course you dont.  e a number of years ago. I gave you t ime a carver and a sculptor, and I to become one again. t statue I carved in t its name is not Narcissus, it is Jo. Jo;

    o the door.

    quot;So you did t; Narcissus asked softly. Goldmund ans as softly: quot;O of you. Al;

    rong pusook o  c out.

    Mounting, Goldmund said: quot;I . Let us pass by t; I ;

    t every castle o see if Agnes mig see o t; Marie  deal about o o s, times, promised to come back one day, and rode off. Marie stood in til t of sight. Slowly she limped back inside.

    t: Narcissus, Goldmund, the young monk, and an armed groom.

    quot;Do you still remember my little ; Goldmund asked. quot;able at ter.quot;

    quot;Certainly. But you  find  expect to. Its been at least seven or eigo do a;

    quot;And you remember t?quot;

    quot;O;

    Goldmund  sad about Blesss deat Narcissus knew so muc Bless, Narcissus w animals and probably er  made him very glad.

    quot;iter,quot; ;youll laug me for asking first about t poor little   nice of me. Actually I ed to ask about sometirely, about our Abbot Daniel. But I suppose t  intend to speak only of deato begin  o t, because of last nigogetoo muc no , and since  it some time, tell me in are still alive. Im prepared for t. But Im glad t least. I never imagined t you mig  again. But belief can deceive, as I unate enougo learn by experience. I could not imagine t my master Niklaus, ted on seeing  t;

    quot;All is quickly told,quot; said Narcissus. quot;Abbot Daniel died eig illness or pain. I am not  only for a year. Fatin y. And Faten spoke of you. During  years  all, and lying in bed  torture to oo s not speak of it. ions?quot;

    quot;Certainly, many more. Most of all: o be y at t;

    quot;t is a long story, and youd be bored ; it is a matter of politics. t is a favorite of tor in many matters, and at t to be set to riges sent to treat . Our success ;

    and Goldmund asked noto kno last nig life o t.

    t tired and y staying in the saddle.

    After a long  is it true t you ed for t? t said you o tle, ealing.quot;

    Goldmund laug;ell, it really looked as t I ing s mistress; less kne, too. Im surprised t  me go at all.quot;

    quot;ell,  above a little bargaining.quot;

    t cover tance t t day. Goldmund oo exed; ook rooms in a village for t;  to bed running a slig  day, too. But trong enougo ride on. Soon o enjoy riding.  ridden! o life again, greed, rode many a race ion assaulted ient questions. Calmly, yet joyously, Narcissus responded. Again , cions, all asked ed confidence in y to anshem.

    quot;One question, Narcissus: did you also burn Je;

    quot;Burn Jews? ;

    quot;All rig tell me: ;

    quot;No, ic?quot;

    quot;Understand me, Narcissus. I mean: can you imagine t, in certain circumstances, you migo kill Je to ties did give suc;

    quot;I  give an order of t kind. On t is conceivable t I migo ness and tolerate sucy.quot;

    quot;Youd tolerate it t;

    quot;Certainly, if I o prevent it. You probably sa you, Goldmund?quot;

    quot;I did.quot;

    quot;ell, and did you prevent it? You didnt. You see.quot;

    Goldmund told tory of Rebekka in great detail;  and passionate in telling it.

    quot;And so,quot; ly, quot;o live? Is it not  not revolting and disgusting?quot;

    quot;Certainly, ts ;

    quot;A; Goldmund cried ion. quot;And en you told me t t it  or ents midst, t ed old me Aristotle  to radiction.quot;

    Narcissus laughed.

    quot;Your memory is surprising, and yet it ly. I or as perfect, but never ion. I rue t life on eart, or t man is good, my dear friend. On trary. tates t trivings and doings of mans  are evil, and every day ;

    quot;Very good. At last I see rickery—you admit it. But somes and books, justice and perfection exist. t, t only if t to use.quot;

    quot;You ored up a great deal of anger against us t you ill not become a t it all topsy-turvy. You still o learn. But  justice to use? e do t every day, every ance, am an abbot and I govern a cloister. Life in ter is just as imperfect and full of sin as it is in tside. And yet antly set tice against original sin and try to measure our imperfect lives by it and try to correct evil and put ourselves in everlasting relations;

    quot;All rig mean you, nor did I mean t you  a good abbot. But Im t Deatinking corpses, of all ting, tarved to deat and see t ac seems to me t our moto a  it ter if t created t let o t;

    Narcissus gave Goldmund a friendly nod.

    quot;You are quite rig; ;Go a all, get it all out. But in one te  ts. But actually t not forget t te emotions are balanced by completely different ones! ty landscape, or o a castle at nigo court a counts mistress, toget to you, and no plague-stricken  you from fulfilling your desire. Is t not so?quot;

    quot;Certainly t is so. Because try again and again to console my  and to pick t gro of  t t does not mean t it does not exist.quot;

    quot;You expressed t very  into lust. But lust ion; it leaves you again in t.quot;

    quot;Yes, ts true.quot;

    quot;Most people feel t  only a fe o become a tell me: besides te coming and going bet and  for life and sadness of deatried no ot;

    quot;Oried art. Ive already told you t, among otist. One day, ime, I saer c iful, t moved me so deeply, t I asked tor ;

    quot;Youll tell me more about t later. But  to you, ;

    quot;It ransitory. I sa someting: . too ill, tlast many  empire of images and relics beyond ting moment. to  t seems good and comforting to me, because it almost succeeds in making transitory eternal.quot;

    quot;I like t very muciful statues; my confidence in your strengt. I  in Mariabronn for a long time and permit me to set up a ist. But I do not tion quite encompassed t. I believe t art is more tal from deatransforming it into stone,  it lasts a little longer. I , many a saint and many a madonna, o me merely faitist ;

    quot;You are rig,quot; Goldmund cried eagerly. quot;I didnt t art! t is not a real, living figure, alt may inspire it. t fles is mind. It is an image t s ists soul. In me, too, Narcissus, suco express one day and so you.quot;

    quot;rayed unknoo ps secrets.quot;

    quot;Youre mocking me.quot;

    quot;O exist noive mind, but y, it exists as an image in tists soul. tly ;

    quot;Yes, t sounds quite plausible.quot;

    quot;ell, and no you o ideas and to basic images, you are on mind-ground, in t t, at ter of ttlefield of life, at ter of tence, ts tive mind. Look, I o to me as a boy. In you, t t of a t t of an artist. But it is mind, and it is t  of ternal seesa and despair. Ao ed for it—since t your teaco be yourself. No;

    It seemed to Goldmund t  it  from above, clearly seeing its teps: urn, tion, turity and .

    t ting relationso Narcissus. It ions one of equality and reciprocity.  of t ion, since tion to tive poimes he also worried.

    quot;Narcissus,quot; ;Im afraid you dont knoer. Im no monk, nor do I  poverty, but I love neitity nor obedience; tues dont seem very manly to me. And I  all left of piety. I  confessed or prayed or taken communion in years.quot;

    Narcissus remained calm. quot;You seem to   afraid of t. You need not pride yourself any longer on your many sins. You  la Im not inviting you to enter ting you to be our guest and to set up a  forget t, during your adolescent years, it o tever y as  to see o ask you to leave again.quot;

    Goldmund ion every time ed t,  assurance and a  of mockery of people and life in t Narcissus rue, a man of te  a man full of assurance and courage, a leader, one  of old times, no longer tle, devoted St. Joed to carve tly Narcissus. Many statues aed  Daniel, Fater Niklaus, beautiful Rebekka, beautiful Agnes, and still ot  to become a broted to make statues, and t t o be these works made him happy.

    te autumn, and one day, on a morning ed reddisrangely familiar, and ttle stream and an old barn at t of o acs daug day of tle. iticular pain ing room in s Latin and ell of o tyard; it opping places of t not to tell anyone to let  s, as ts

    a feers and servants ill part of tle a very beautiful, proud, and domineering noble ill looked iful, and a little evil. Neits recognized Goldmund. After t of evening  into t tery flo to table door and looked in on t on tra; imes. Scattered and infertile, tretc be images but broken in so many pieces, so poor in value, so poor in love! In to tc as anxiously up to to see if Agnes mig appear. S s, it seemed to ten; finding y .  like t t tting gloomily in t speaking at all. Narcissus let him be.

    But noer a fe. Sly before toer became visible, tony fields in es of Mariabronn and dismounted under talian cnut tree. tenderly Goldmund toucrunk and stooped to pick up one of t  lay on thered.

 17

    During t days Goldmund lived in ter, in one of t cells. t , rative buildings t surrounded tplace.

    t onis. Outside t no one kne  trees of tyard kneed rosebusorks nests on tory and granary roofs. From every corner of , t of oo ream bets narroone floors, t to lock up. Beside tone gutters, into ory, till sprouting, cranes-bill and plantain, and tree in till s far-reac more tinkling of ttle sc  er students came tumbling doairs into tyard. ty too, once really been so young, so clumsy, so pretty and childish?

    Beside ter  ruck tention and became more and more important to il it sloself to t udent days, and a ,  udent.  ts of tings, of tone and ars, in tals, and alt  been ty of t ed tone Mot, and , but only noiful it   and most successful . t placed t ood bets natural  , ced, lived, t and taugs, from t, and everytogetree.

    Goldmund felt very small in t migy, and never did  Jo quietly friendly order. t be tremendous differences of cer bet Jo Daniel, but eacy, t, tence, received y from it, sacrificed o it. t made to one anotly robes.

    In ter of er, Narcissus greall in Goldmunds eyes, alt a cordial friend and . Soon Goldmund hardly dared call him Narcissus any more.

    quot;Listen, Abbot Jo; o ;Ill o get used to your neually. I must tell you t I like it very muc feel like making a general confession to you and, after penance and absolution, asking to be received as a lay brot you see, t and I a lay brot I can no longer bear to live next to you like t be or do anytoo o  you can see if it c;

    quot;Im glad to ,quot; said Narcissus, pronouncing ;You may set up your er at your disposal immediately. Please use any material you find  of all t brougside. And no you and your intentions! You must give me a little time to express myself: I am a sco try to illustrate tter to you from my o; I en did so patiently in earlier years.quot;

    quot;Ill try to follow you. Go a;

    quot;Recall udent days, I sometimes told you t I t you ist. In t you mig; in your reading and ing you ain dislike for tangible and tract, and a special love for  ic qualities,  appealed to tion.quot;

    Goldmund interrupted. quot;Forgive me, but arent ts and abstractions oo? Or do you really prefer to t imagine anyt can one t imagining anyt;

    quot;Im glad you ask! Yes, certainly one can t imagining anytsoever in common. t in images but s and formulae. At t point  of our frequent quarrels as young men; for you, told you t you  made to be a told you t ter in ttention and Ill explain it to you. If, instead of immersing yourself in t ed evil. Because you ics are, to express it briefly and some detac t all. t artists: poets  verse, painters  brus sound. ted, noble minds among t t exception unoo, migead of  and aken possession of tor and a master, instead of being stranded in discontentment as a t;

    quot;Im afraid,quot; said Goldmund, quot;Ill never succeed in grasping t ;

    quot;O noen: tries to determine and to represent ture of t reason and its tool, logic, are incomplete—telligent artist kno o express perfectly t nature of an angel or a saint. Still try, tist, eac and may not do otries to realize s ure  and only meaningful ts o you: dont try to imitate tic man, but be yourself, try to realize yourself.quot;

    quot;I understand somet you say, but  mean to realize oneself?quot;

    quot;It is a p, I cant express it in any ototle and St. t is t of all concepts: perfect being. God is perfect being. Everyt exists is only , is becoming, is mixed, is made up of potentialities. But God is not mixed. entialities but is total, te reality. ransitory, entials; tion for us, no complete being. But ial to deed, from possibility to realization, icipate in true being, become by a degree more similar to t and divine. t is  means to realize oneself. You must knoist and atues. If suc it to pure form—tist, realized t;

    quot;I understand.quot;

    quot;You see me, friend Goldmund, in a place and function o realize myself. You see me living in a community and a tradition t corresponds to me and furter is no  is filled ions. Still, a decently run cloister life is infinitely more o men of my nature t  from a merely practical point of vieice and teacask, offers a certain protection from t e of ty, you found a o become an artist, and I admire t a great deal. Your life ;

    t, and also o c, errupted ;Ive been able to understand most of ed to tell me. But till cant get t images, and t imagine anyt;

    quot;ell, youll be able to understand it ics.  kind of images do figures contain? Or t kind of images does an equation contain? None. ic or algebra, no image e a formal task  t you ;

    quot;ts rig using my imagination, I can let myself be guided by plus and minus, square roots, and so on, and can solve t is—I once could, today I could no longer do it. But I cant imagine t solving sucudents brain. Its all rigo learn o count. But Id find it meaningless and c ing and covering paper ;

    quot;You are  tinuously solves problems a teac ions; t itious space matically before be can risk facing tself.quot;

    quot;ell, yes. But attacking t does not strike me as an occupation on   unless I can imagine real space, say tars; noudying and measuring star space does not seem an unask to me.quot;

    Smilingly, Narcissus interrupted: quot;You are actually saying t you  a ration of t to tical, visible unities to apply our to do so. tance, applied ts of imes to o eac every instant. But o apply somet learned and practiced it before? And tist also constantly exercises ion, and raining, even if it finds realization only in a fe dismiss tion only its application! tradiction is obvious. So let me go on ts by ts, as I s by your less noable because till obstacles bet of t to omatically t ;

    Goldmund er.

    Beside tyard gate  y and suitable for a er, all to be made after precise plans  of terials ers o bring ies, a long list. ed all timber at ters and in t, co t beo dry under a roof  o do ely cogetood  trougstone, making all t or straigting knives, t of almost ty, became Goldmunds friend. erest and curiosity. Goldmund promised to teaco play te, ry  carving. If at times Goldmund felt rater and in Narcissuss presence, o recover in timidly and admired en asked o tell  Master Niklaus and ty. Sometimes Goldmund o tell stories. toniso find ting like an old man, talking about travels and adventures of t,  to begin.

    Recently ly and aged far beyond  to no one, since only one man tled life may already rengt ts many ivity at ts residence and t gruesome nigle cellar o s, and several signs of tayed ain fatigue inside t, a slackening of desire and curiosity, a gray sions for ions s at t ters,  at otimes  for ed, smiling and dreaming, given over to apathy and indifference.

    tion of ant to  o make ed to pay for ters ality,  to be an arbitrary piece t one placed just any o blend ecture and life of ter and become part of to make an altar or per, but tead. tory, from . Goldmund decided to carve for teps to tern and for tern itself a set of ,  free-standing. o t, .

    mas ook on anoto er; nobody saudents at ted trolled under took   ten visited as a student. And  ant Erico enter ain days Eric  of him.

    For t  t o be in ts, one representing t, tairs, gro of a sturdy oak trunk and , o represent creation, images of nature and of triarcs. t, t, ures of tles. One of ts o raits of blessed Abbot Daniel; anotin, atue of Luke o eternalize Master Niklaus.

    obstacles, greater ticipated. And tacles gave  t ant ruggled  as firmly and gently as a fisruggling  pike, and eacance taugive.  everyt ter;  forgot Narcissus. Narcissus came a number of times, but was only shown drawings.

    t t he hear his confession.

    quot;I could not bring myself to confess before,quot; ted. quot;I felt too small, and I already felt small enoug of you. Noo submit myself to t;

    Noo task and did not  to  a moment longer. t meditative  ter, t of all tories Erico see ain order and clarity.

    it solemnity Narcissus received  lasted about tened to tures, sufferings, and sins of ions, never interrupted, and listened passively also to t of tted t ice and goodness ruck by many of terrified, imes come to periso smile, touc ure ,  because of impious ts wo .

    to Goldmunds surprise, to ment even, t take ual sins too seriously, but reprimanded and punis in praying, confession, and communion. o live moderately and cely for a monto o say thers and one hail Mary every evening.

    After to take tly. I dont knoill remember t text of to follo o its meaning. I icles oday, and give you instructions as to to  your particular attention. You are to speak and  time you catc reeling off ten t, you are to remember tation, and you are to begin all over again and speak to let ter your , as I am about to s;

    iful coincidence, or  enougo ac, a period of fulfillment and peace came for Goldmund from t made ensions, isfactions of  conscientiously executed spiritual exercises, relaxed after tements of tire being submitted to a  lifted  of tion of tor and included tles of o be overcome in solitude, and o give it all tation let urn to innocence again and again. Still  ience of o ecstasy, o to deep, cool er t washe arrogance of despair.

    It did not alimes  become calm and relaxed in ter burning imes  times, as ried to immerse ortured by t t saying prayers er all, perriving for a God  or could not  it to his friend.

    quot;Continue,quot; said Narcissus. quot;You promised; you must keep your promise. You are not to t s completely during to speak ticles, and give yourself up to t te or sing. You dont pursue clever ts and speculations te one finger position after anotly as possible.  s o pray.quot;

    And once more it , avid ego extinguisself in ed order; again ted above ars.

    it satisfaction, t sainue er er s.

    In time Goldmunds airs: creatures, plants, animals, and people. In t stood Noaure book of praise for tion of ts beauty, free in expression but directed by an inner order and discipline. During all t Erico execute small tasks and t of not becoming an artist  on certain days not even o enter took ime  ry, o urned out successfully,  ask Erico release t rained as  assistant.

    tatues of ts on  days,  t seemed to   successful  bore traits of Abbot Daniel.  very muced kindness and purity. isfied atue of Master Niklaus, even t most of all. t seemed to be brimming over y plans for creation and yet te aility of creating, and mourning for a lost unity and innocence.

    Daniel ues under a clot one figure in t. t to Narcissus, and iently until t day. At took o see tatue.

    Narcissus stood and looked. ood taking ime, examining ttention and care of tood berying to dominate tempest in . quot;O; , quot;if one of us does not pass test, it  good enoug understand it, all my s value. I sed longer.quot;

    Minutes felt like o  of time  of ing.

    Narcissus turned to ely  relieved. In   flo timid smile on t face of mind and  a  full of joy.

    quot;Goldmund,quot; Narcissus said very softly,  expect me to become an art expert all of a sudden. You kno. I can tell you not your art t you  find ridiculous. But let me tell you one t first glance I recognized our Abbot Daniel in t, and not only  also all t to us: dignity, kindness, simplicity. As blessed Fatood before our yoution, ands  o us t makes ttable to us. You , my friend, and not only  Daniel back to me; you ely, to me for t time. No it no longer; I cannot. O t;

    It  in t o t. Goldmund sa ching.

    quot;Yes,quot; ly, quot;I am  nos time to go and eat.quot;

 18

    For tice. In trade for taircase ed a small paradise. itasy rees, brus of ting primitive garden, ed several scenes from triarcrious life errupted. tlessness or boredom made ed . But ryside to breat, or visit a peasants daug, or lie for aring into ted reetops, into ting er a day or ttack  ly, tenderly coax  a mouted beard. Beside Ericatues and en to t times er. onis. Everytless, stubborn, boyis o flo greion, a small surging ainly no less heology.

    Pensively ;Im learning a great deal from you, Goldmund. Im beginning to understand  is. Formerly it seemed to me t, compared to t could not be taken altoget someture of mind and matter, since tion of ternal to ter pulls o transitory, rive aoo elevate  meaning. I did pretend, out of , to  in eem, but actually I  and looked do. Only no t t even t one. It is my ay on it. But I see t you, on te road, on t of being just as deeply and can express it in a muc to do.quot;

    quot;Noand,quot; Goldmund said, quot;t I cant conceive of ts  images?quot;

    quot;I ood it. Our tant process of converting to abstractions, a looking atempt to construct a purely spiritual  constant, t mortal to your , and in tality s look ao it, and by your sacrifice to it raise it to t, a parable of eternity. e try to come closer to God by pulling to ion and re-creating it. Bot, but art is more innocent.quot;

    quot;I dont kno in overcoming life, in resisting despair, you to succeed better. I opped envying you for your learning, dear friend, but I do envy your calm, your detac, your peace.quot;

    quot;You s envy me, Goldmund. t you imagine. O not anyt lives antly and never leaves us. t must be ruggles as Abbot, my struggles in t you dont. You only see t I am less subject to moods take t for peace. But my life is struggle; it is struggle and sacrifice like every decent life; like yours, too.quot;

    quot;Lets not quarrel about it, Narcissus. You dont see all my struggles eit knoo understand  t it aken a in its place. turn to a bare  all t I did not ac even see, and inside Ill feel as robbed and empty as t;

    quot;t may be so,quot; said Narcissus. quot;Neitand tely in suc tion all men of good art out again, and eacime to be made ane;

    A feer Goldmunds big s place. An old experience repeated itself: , judged, praised; and   and ood empty and ed to table for a festive meal at  fiserest and joy of Narcissus, who praised him and honored his work.

    A near for to ter and in . For tar Goldmund ed to make a statue of to eternalize in table figures of iful fearful Lydia, ts daugtle importance to  seemed suitable to ants project. If Eric partner  alone ill close to . itar and . Often Goldmund left  for several days, and Ericified t,  atue of Lydia, to roam again.

    roubled. Since tion of less and dissatisfied. No of Master Niklaus and led master in , but unfree and unyoung. Recently a small adventure : on one of  girl named Franziska, o cs of seduction ened gladly to ting, lauged at  s time , to a young   forgotten. Franziska

    because of a feure gray  rat rangely similar to Master Niklaus. itious and tame; ic animal.  norustfully for t scent. And after  and caroused, sometibly back.  ting for  responsible for tar ant Ericion: after ted to go on a trip and try   good to live in a cloister for so long,  mig not for elligently ood an artists  all t—cting, tenderness, games, love, pleasure  t—did not flouris one needed tle gray and serious tle aminated; it  into  of a trip consoled  to o be free sooner. And as Lydias figure gradually came torict folds of ook algic falling in love iful s time,  love,  travels, ly  te image, felt it one   tender memories. It o form  ifully arcoo, are at tion and loving respect w.

    finiso t. Narcissus said: quot;t is a beautiful  measures up to it. I must confess to you t I  you on several occasions during t mont you less and disturbed, and imes t atue. I am ;

    quot;Yes,quot; Goldmund said, quot;tatue turned out rat noen to me, Narcissus. In order to make tatue, I needed my entire youts is t ake a good long vacation, I dont kno o me. Can you understand t? ell, yes. You kno, and Ive never taken any payment for my work ;

    quot;I often offered it to you,quot; interrupted Narcissus.

    quot;Yes, and no it. Ill  into t be sad. It is not t I dont like it  be better off anyake. ill you fulfill my wis;

    t it no more. Goldmund fit and boots, and as summer dre ouc mig   e o be slige touco to arrange. Alt deeply sad about times smiled a little about Goldmunds being in love, about  being able to tear atue.

    But one day Goldmund surprised o take . In o Narcissus to say goodbye. ime ago. Noaking came o boted  feel in .

    quot;ill I ever see you again?quot; asked Narcissus.

    quot;Oty nag does not break my neck, you ainly see me again. Besides,  me, t be anyone left to call you Narcissus and cause you to  fear. Yes, and dont forget to keep an eye on Eric no one toucatue! S remain standing in my room, as I  to let t of your ;

    quot;Are you looking foro t;

    Goldmund blinked.

    quot;ell, I o it; ts quite true. But no Im about to ride off, it feels less amusing t t me, but I dont like going a please me. It is like an illness; young  . Master Niklaus  oo. ell, lets not c about useless stuff! Bless me, dear friend; I  to leave.quot;

    he rode off.

    In s, Narcissus ly concerned about  range and lovable person ormy and insatiable, a gro terfly, commit nes,  of suco fear for , deep do pleased  tubborn c to tame, t   again to slers.

    Every day ts ts returned at one time or anoto itude and  and self-reproac pertle o be ot?  said muc it, per enougell if  not o keep him?

    But  only been enric ainly good t  s to er life, ly office, ructed t edifice—all ten been so its foundations by . Certainly, seen from t of vieer, from t of viey, ter, rigeadier, more orderly, more exemplary. It rict service, an unending sacrifice, a constantly reneriving for clarity and justice. It er tist, vagrant, and seducer of  seen from above, ion of teness from dirt and blood, of o pation any better ted to live a regulated life, ies indicated by prayer bells? ed to study Aristotle and Saint to knoo extinguiso flee t created incts, y for sin, lust, and despair? tions around s circled  pero lead a Goldmund-life, more courageous, more noble pero abandon oneself to tream of reality, to co commit sins and accept tter consequences ratside t a lonely -garden, strolling sinlessly among ones sered flos and along torn so suffer sun and rain, o play h suffering.

    At any rate, Goldmund  a man destined for o t dept and blood,  becoming small and common,  killing t  darkness  extinguis and tive force inside to ic life, and neit for ill-life images, radiant o being under Goldmunds stained ent faces glo, t plants and flole, proud, or sacred gestures, since t an abundance of ligs of God d in t of tist and seducer.

    It o seem superior to Goldmund in tions, to oppose ellectual order to   every small gesture of one of Goldmunds figures, every eye, every mout not more real, alive, and irreplaceable t tist,  and misery, fasriving for innumerable people, contemporary and future, figures to  anguisless people urn for consolation, confirmation, and strength?

    Smiling and sad, Narcissus remembered all times since taugefully ed, alting Narcissuss superiority and guidance. And tly, empest and suffering of ructions, no explanations, no  autic, ened life. er discipline, ics!

    tions around urned. Just as ervened roug brutally, in Goldmunds youturn, o doubt and self-examination.   been given back to imes over.

    t ime for t. eeks passed. tnut tree  its blossoms; tgreen beecurned dark, firm, and orks long since crance toaugo fly. tayed aant o  on Plato, an excellent grammarian, and one or tle t souls. But   again noh longing.

    Often  to to encourage tant Ericinued  tar and eagerly aed ers return. Sometimes t unlocked Goldmunds room, ed tayed old ory. But  everyt t. Perrayed and left , truer t faitaken il finally, perer many years in oucatue of a girl and captured in enderness, admiration, and longing of tory, too, in tern pulpit in tory. It ory of a inctive being, of a  s ers ran, yet  emerged from them.

    Narcissus struggled. ered  betray ed in no  service. But ion of , o God and to taco his friend.

 19

    tar ed and vanis in torks fles wurned.

    ernoon, during a lig go into ter; from tal  immediately to ,  the horse.

    Eric a s first glance, and   out to greet ely different: a false Goldmund, many years older, , dusty, gray face, sunken c a smile rated, old, patient smile. o be ill and very tired.

    trangely at ant.  urn. ed as t even for a minute. ing, no question, no story. ;I must sleep,quot; o be terribly tired.  Eric into  to t it drop, took off o tanding under a clot did not go up to o take off t ead  to ttle side, and called doo ;Eric tell anybody t Im back. Im very tired. It can  until tomorro;

    ter a o look into a small mirror t tentively  tared back at  of tired and old and ed,   man le mirrors dull surface—but strangely unfamiliar. It did not seem to be properly present; it did not seem to be of muco  reminded tle of Master Niklaus, a little of t  made for tle of St. Jacob in t. Jacob  still joyous and good.

    Carefully erested in finding out about tranger. o  o t remely tired old man, ake muc  ill liked  tty Goldmund  igue and disintegration trace of contentment, or at least of detac. ly to  rip! Pretty mucorn and burned out, urning from tle excursion.  only sacrificed coo, ten lost or deserted  o iable, but ent, it o get along   back to bed and time fell asleep.

    t day  able in ried to dratle. Narcissus came to visit ood in t;Ive been told t you  come to see me, Ive come to you. Am I disturbing you in your ;

    of o t. Goldmund gave him a friendly smile.

    quot;Yes, Im back. elcome, Narcissus, o you.quot;

    Narcissus looked into oo sa only tion, tiful ing of trangely pleasing signs of acceptance, of detac even, of surrender and old mans good  t Goldmund  altoget eity and anding at tes t lead to the beyond.

    quot;Are you ill?quot; iously.

    quot;Yes. I am also ill. I fell ill at tart of my journey, during t days. But youll understand t I didnt  to come  araveling boots. No, I didnt feel like it. I  on to roam about a bit; I felt as . I oo muc asand t, youre an intelligent man. Forgive me,  s like a curse; I keep forgetting alking about. But t t   a lot, but …quot;

    his murmuring ended in a smile.

    quot;ell make you ake care of you. If only you urned rig o feel as of us. You s back.quot;

    Goldmund laughed.

    quot;Yes, no dare come back. It would  now I ;

    quot; pain?quot;

    quot;Pain? Yes, I  you see, pains are not so bad; t me to reason. No of you. to see me in prison, to save my life, I o clenceet as of you. But t is completely over no;

    Narcissus put ely Goldmund stopped speaking and closed urbed, t ran to fetcon, to look after till sitting fast asleep at able. t o bed and tayed to examine him.

    o one of t a constant ch.

    tory of  journey ails; oten lessly. Sometimes imes  for eacime. t conversations remely important to him.

    Narcissus set dos of Goldmunds reports and confessions. Otold by Erich.

    quot;art? At t and fell o a brook, er. I must . At t time I  very far from  I didnt  to turn back. t  it oo mucal for a long time.

    quot;Ill stay ayed a t: before I go under, I  to dra more, and make a fe to er all.quot;

    Narcissus said to ;Im very glad youve come back. I missed you very muc of you every day, and I en afraid t you  to come back.quot;

    Goldmund s;ell, t .quot;

    Narcissus,  burning  doo  ouconis first, and t had happened.

    quot;Goldmund,quot; t  being able to tell you earlier. I s to you to see you in your prison in t statues, or at so many otimes. Let me tell you today  to me,   mean very muco you. You are used to love; it is not rare for you; so many . My life  of life. Our Abbot Daniel once told me t  I ; . I am not unjust tos to be just and patient  I e of  love is, it is because of you. I o love you, you alone among all men. You cannot imagine  means. It means a , a blossoming tree in t is to you alone t my   dried up, t a place o grace.quot;

    Goldmund smiled ly embarrassed. it, calm voice ; day and  you, tle Bless. I understood t you  because of me, and I . No it  you really do love me. But I  courting you. I kne you, too,  I never dared  you ell me some day, youre suc  and I t.quot;

    tood in tching.

    quot;Do you tantly of deat; asked Narcissus.

    quot;Yes, I t and of ual as you o to t easy for me to find my joys t I dont en been extremely unate enougo learn t sensuality can be given a soul. Of it art is born. But no in me. I no longer asy, and I   it noill running after me. And to create  is no longer my ues; t matter. t is time for me to die. I am ready, and Im curious about it.quot;

    quot;; asked Narcissus.

    quot;ell, it may be a bit stupid of me. But Im really curious about it. Not of t t very little, and if I may say so openly, I no longer believe in it. tree is dead forever; t come back to life, nor does a man after inue to ter  t doesnt last long eit dying only because it is still my belief or my dream t I am on to  as t of love, fulfilled love. I cannot give up t t, instead of deat o take me back to o nonbeing and innocence.quot;

    During one of  visits, after Goldmund  said anytalkative.

    quot;Faton t often be in great pain.  so calmly, Goldmund? It seems to me you ;

    quot;Do you mean peace  peace I  found. I dont  any peace  need to praise it, and tle  good at bearing pain, and altimes t dying o me, I  face it. I ill mucoo strong and too o die; to break eac no is different.quot;

    Speaking tired o spare himself.

    quot;No,quot; ;I  to tell you. Before to tell you. Itll make you lauged my  day and rode a just riding off into t Count urned to t ress Agnes , t does not seem important to you, and today it does not seem important to me eit at t time tself into me, and I t of not Agnes. S beautiful o see ed to be er a iful. I found unity to so o speak to  ted to o do oo old for ty enouged anyt, actually,  I rode on. I didnt  to come back to you so disappointed and ridiculous, and as I rode along, force and youtelligence ely abandoned me, because I stumbled into a gully o a stream and broke several ribs and lay ter. ts  real pain. As I fell I felt somet, and to , I ent . I lay ter and kne I  to die, but everytely different from t nigs prison. I  it; dying no longer seemed terrible to me. I felt t pains  to call it. I lay t and I  t  asy and love. And t it  o pluck out my . ood t, it no longer . And no enemies; taking my  out. S it. Sometimes sasy. Sometimes sender sounds. Sometimes s  s t me and dra of my c.quot;

    Again and again ;Do you remember?quot;  days. quot;I ely forgotten my motil you conjured  day, too, it  very mucearing at my intestines. e ill young tty young boys. But even to folloiful madonna; sasy. Sinct. No;

    quot;Dont speak so muc; said Narcissus. quot;ait until tomorro;

    ito Narcissuss eyes,   back from  looked at times so old and fragile, a little senile perhen again like pure kindness and wisdom.

    quot;My dear friend,quot; ;I cannot  until tomorro say fareo you no I must tell you everyten to me anot. I ed to tell you about my mot. For many years it  c dream to make a statue of to me t sacred of all my images; I ery. Only a s o t I mig atue; my life urned out: it is not my  s is  s, s, sying me; so dying and iful statue, t motill see it, and if I . But s  t; s  me to make  visible. Ss me to die. Im glad to die; s easy for me.quot;

    Deeply sened to o bend close to o be able to understand inctly; ot their meaning escaped him.

    And noo , as trying to s;But ime comes, Narcissus, since you  a mot love. it a mot die.quot;

    er t could not be understood. t t by , c words burned like fire in .