ˇ¶A Walk to Rememberˇ·


 Prologue

    een, my life changed forever.

    I kno t me rangely as if trying to fat could o explain. Because Ive lived  of my life, I dont feel t I o unless its on my terms, and t ake more time t people are o give me. My story cant be summed up in tences; it cant be packaged into somet and simple t people ely understand. Despite ty years, till living  year accept my lack of explanation  question. My story in some ory because it  all of us lived through.

    It o it. Im fifty-seven years old, but even no year, doo t details. I relive t year often in my mind, bringing it back to life, and I realize t ion of sadness and joy. ts  I  if I did, take ting tting ten t on.

    It is April 12, in t year before t and gray, but as I move doreet, I notice t t just a little. temperature is cool, ts only a matter of  tle in to sometable and to t make Nort beautiful places in t all coming back to me. I close my eyes and to move in reverse, sloicking backating in tion. As if tco broo smooturns as t eventful year approaches.

    to coreets teem  ss,  treet, tower rings. . . .

    I open my eyes and pause. I am standing outside tist care at tly een years old.

    tory; I promise to leave not.

    First you  say you  been warned.

 Chapter 1

    In 1958, Beaufort, Norted on t near Morey, o y rose so   to get t from April tober beneatrees draped in Spanisreet , and sea, a scent unique to ts al aterelevision, television ant to tead our lives ered around teen os alone. t by names like tian Conement, and tist c  popular denomination around, and tist cically every corner of toself superior to tist cype-Freeists, Soutists, Congregational Baptists, Missionary Baptists, Independent Baptists . . .  ture.

    Back t of tist co to knoion  on tmas pageant at t Playually a play t ten by  Sullivan, a minister  t old, but  you could almost see t  of clammy all time, and translucent-kids ually sae as t stores around Easter.

    Anymas Angel, because   to keep on performing t old Cmas Carol. In o ion only because s, not angels-and  to  been sent directly from  exactly tell you in t sort of plays into fait  didnt trust gs if t actually sent by God, . A fe up e o Jerusalem to find taug didnt fly too  even to tion, aring  tacle-and t;t ainly interesting, it  exactly to kno;

    So  decided to try  ing ten o admit, ually interesting, especially  t;orsquot; and all t good stuff. t really got ell you,  tors. t . rees and s, quot; is a fornicator!quot; , and s, like tiest creatures ever to in t.

    Old , op dead in racks and o God, tually moved-and urn t s drunk gasoline, and tart sticking out all over, like t you see in National Geograpo side, o slits as  as suddenly, art to go pale again, back to t fis before our eyes. Boy, it o cs for sure.

    So s name t, anyand ting for us to give ourselves up, as if   stupid. ed put our o keep from laug loud, but someurning from side to side, and top, t at us, rigree. quot;I kno; ;and too.quot;  t sink in for a minute or so, and t ;God is merciful to c t be ; And  of los, not from embarrassment, but to  didnt understand us at all, range, being t  t, ter.

    Anye tmas Angel one year and decided to put on t play instead. tself  bad, actually,  s basically tory of a man on, used to be real religious, but er tle girl all on   been test fat ttle girl really s for Cmas is a special music box op, a picture of  from an old catalog. to find t, but  find it anyores, range , top at an orpo see some kids, t a lonely old ed some company on Cmas Eve. At t terious om ton y fountain and tells o look in ter and  er, tle girl, and  terious lady runs off, and tom ton searc cant find ually o tle girls room, and  s of arts to cry again because  been a good enougo  morning, magically, tree, and ts engraved on it looks exactly like t before.

    So it  t bad, really. If trutold, people cried buckets  every year it o its popularity,  eventually o move it from to t Play more seating. By time I o packed ually performed it, ory in and of itself.

    You see,  ed young people to perform t ter group. I reckon  it o college and came face-to-face ors.  kind of guy, you knoing to save us from temptation. ed us to kno God is out tc if you put your trust in God, youll be all rig  I ually learn in time, t

    me.

    As I said before, Beaufort ypical as far as souto, t did eresting ory. Blackbeard te once o said t, but no ones certain just yet, being t it sank over 250 years ago and you cant exactly reaco tment and cration. Beauforts come a long  its still not exactly a major metropolis or anyt  ed a place on to put it into perspective, trict t included Beaufort covered tire eastern part of tate-some ty t a single toy-five to  of Raleigon, all to trict my fated.

    I suppose youve  of a legend, even noy years. ion season ;orter represents ---,quot; and to fill in ty name o srue family man, t ickers, stenciled in uff like t  fly, but back t ed publicity. I imagine if ried to do t nos of foul language in t  once. Okay, maybe once. A farmer from Duplin County once e t in t, s bastard. S say exactly t I got t of it.

    So my fat everyone kne, including old man . No get along, not at all, despite t t my fat to s co all t often. , in addition to  fornicators ined to clean t communism ;a sickness t doomed mankind to ; Even t a  find it in any dictionary-tion kne ing o my fat end not to listen. My fattees t oversa;Red influencequot; supposedly infiltrating every aspect of try, including national defense, ion, and even tobacco farming. You o remember t tensions  doo a more personal level. My fatently looked for facts, o people like . After;Reverend Sullivan oday. I  part about ture  t;

    Yeah, sure, Dad. . . .

    My fatried to defuse situations  babies knoo mankind and still come up o say. quot;le c;  ;Ill bet sest girl in t; if sire face. One time a lady sook one look at ;Ill bet you ten to one t youre smartest kid in your class.quot; And  at stuff like t.   of em, ts for sure. And  suc really, especially if you consider t t  beat me or anyt  te to say t because no sort of stuff even if t  to excuse t love me . . . ts  using it to excuse t as a fact. My fat of toment t go ed me to gro;t;

    Of course, my fatook ing and fisaugo play ball, sies, all t small stuff t adds up to quite a bit before adultranger, someone I barely kne all. For t five years of my life I t all fat  until my best friend, Eric er, asked me in kindergarten  I realized somet quite rig tuation.

    quot;; I said proudly.

    quot;O; Eric said as ;I didnt know you ;

    talk about sometraighe face.

    So, I gre and gentle, t people dream about. But s, nor could s fact, coupled   a young age. Not a bad one, mind you. Me and my friends mig late and soap up car  boiled peanuts in t in ties t  made ots so t;You dont  to be like t Carter boy.  track to prison.quot;

    Me. A bad boy. For eating boiled peanuts in the graveyard. Go figure.

    Any didnt get along, but it  only because of politics. No, it seems t my fat kne ty years older ter, o  lots of time rue bastard if tune, but I dont  you to imagine  of man c groime. My grandfat. tarted as a bootlegger, accumulating  Proion by running rum up from Cuba. to . ook ninety percent of tobacco crop, t at ridiculous interest rates. Of course, ended to collect tead  to o ; of inspiration,quot; arted a bank called Carter Banking and Loan. ty radius eriously burned do of t never reopened. t  a ribution, and t t eriously burned down.

    erest rates rageous, and little by little y as people defaulted on t ,  ty o continue to  enougo keep to go. old t hem, and people always believed him.

    Never once, rolled a vast portion of tys economy, and  in every way imaginable.

    Id like to tell you ually  to a terrible deat .  a ripe-old age lived bot, eac s.

    But back to tory. . . . , once  a bastard my grandfat o try, to Beaufort and started ministering in ttended.   feing one act   time for anyty-t married; y-five le ty years younger t t a er on his own.

    ory behe play.

    People kneory even before t performed. It ories t made its rounds ize a baby or attend a funeral. Everyone kne it, and ts ional

    special meaning.

    Jamie Sullivan  t anyone else even ra special t year. It o be a big deal, maybe t ever-at least in Miss Garbers mind. Seac ties t time I met her in class.

    Noaking drama t year. I really , but it  or cry II. t it ests, no tables ons and neutrons and combine elements in t could possibly be better for a  seemed like a sure t, I t Id just be able to sleep t every class, ing, ant at time.

    On t day of class I  to arrive, coming in just a feook a seat in turned to ting ters, as if  kno to. S least six feet t so ies. S-Id say ly sy-and sterned muumuus. Sed every one ;; sort of singing t syllable. Miss Garber s for sure, and s even ter   feel sorry for a gal like her.

    Beneate ted to accomplis year. quot;Self-confidencequot; ;Self-a; and, t;Self-fulfillment.quot; Miss Garber o t;selfquot; stuff,  at time. Miss Garber  field. Maybe it o do  trying to feel better about herself.

    But I digress.

    It  until tarted t I noticed somet  large, I kne t it ty muc fifty-fifty bet least ninety percent female. to my t I felt flus;look out   tests in sight.

    Okay, so I  t forhe block.

    So Miss Garber brings up tmas play and tells everyone t Jamie Sullivan is going to be t year. Miss Garber started clapping rigoo-and t of people ic sort of  time I , I remember t it oo old to  togetranslucent  gave everyone s of course, no one ever said anyt it, at least ance of Miss Garber and . Gossip is one tful gossip is completely anot t mean.

    Miss Garber kept on clapping, all alone for a   ;Stand up, Jamie,quot; sood up and turned around, and Miss Garber started clapping even faster, as if sanding in tar.

    No ary scire lives, and Id be lying if I said I never talked to  in t rig to me for tions, but it didnt mean t I spent a lot of time  ime, even back ter scely different, and Jamie had never been on my social calendar.

    Its not t Jamie tractive-dont get me unately saken after ures Id seen,   Jamie  exactly tractive, eite t t s blue eyes, most of time s of . . . plain, and t  care muc outy,quot; and I suppose ts part of tig like a spinster,  a stitc, so intervie to t  a p sually gro of it, but s t c all. t hes.

    But it  just t made ; it ed. Jamie didnt spend any time  at Cecils Diner or going to slumber parties  t sire life. Old  tack if s even if by some odd turn of events  , it still  tered. Jamie carried , and if  didnt keep t teenage boy, but Jamie seemed to enjoy it in a  ely foreign to me. Not only did so vacation Bible sc, but s sc just  normal, even if sers daugter , reading Pauls letters to t nearly as mucing, if you know w I mean.

    But Jamie didnt stop ts influence, Jamie believed it ant to ly  ty, but for  simply  enougs to t  of ing tside of an elderly neig being asked or stop traffic to tle kids cross to buy a neball for turn around and drop to t on Sunday. S of us look bad, and y, even t done anything wrong.

    Nor did Jamie limit o people. If sance, sry to , too. Opossums, squirrels, dogs, cats, frogs . . . it didnt matter to , kne anotter inside. ake off ure and . quot; by a car, Dr. Ra o ry to save  you?quot;

    it ioned talked to ter . t? Must be to prevent sometrigonometry quiz t everyone in class fails? Must be in to give us c ture.

    t situation, and t  all. Being ters daug  s seem as if it  natural t so  s o say it, too. quot;Ive been so blessed to ; , all  sually came from.

    Despite all trikes, t really drove me crazy about  t ster  anyto t t nice to o reet, so strangers driving by in times ladies  of t seemed as if every adult in to;tter place if t;

    But my friends and I didnt quite see it t y.

    I  all tood in front of us on t day of drama class, and I admit t I  mucerested in seeing  strangely, o face us, I kind of got a sting on a loose  e blouse under ter Id seen a million times, but t ter couldnt  I s till didnt, but san, probably from Bible sc time s pretty. Of course, I dismissed t t rig as sopped and smiled rig me, obviously glad to see t I   until later t I he reason why.

 Chapter 2

    After o go to ty of Nort Ced me to go to on like some of t   possible. Not t I udent. I just didnt focus on my studies, and my grades  exactly up to snuff for t ty mucouc accepted at UNC, and ter, a place  me over top. Id just finis ing do;I tudent body president,quot; ;Youll be graduating in June, and I t oo, by t;

    My mot speak muc me. Sometimes I to see me squirm, even t.

    quot;I dont t ; I said. t kid in sc popular. t o Eric er, my best friend.  almost ninety miles an ball team to back-to-back state titles as tar quarterback. ud. Even his name sounded cool.

    quot;Of course you can ; my fat;e Carters al;

    ts anot like spending time imes ed to mold me into a miniature version of ty muc o resent  conversation o me on the phone.

    quot;But   to?quot;

    My fat doines.  me crossly, giving me t even t ing. My fat, by the way.

    quot;I t; ;t it ;

    I kne  tled. ts t  t er I agreed, I didnt  to do it. I didnt  to e my afternoons meeting eacer scer sc of trying to decide reamers ss really all ts did, at least back  like students o actually decide anything meaningful.

    But t. If I ed to go to UNC, I o do somet play football or basketball, I didnt play an instrument, I  in t excel in t excel at muc, I started listing tually could do, but to be , t t mucie eig types of sailing knots, I could  across  asp fartically on my finger for ty seconds . . . but I didnt t any of tand out on a college application. So t long, sloo tion t I hanks, Dad.

    t morning I  to to t of candidates. t stand a c rig off your clotalked to you. But udent.  in t roeacion. If o give t al one, and urn o side ellect balls at eacurned.

    Maggie Broter. Sudent as  council for t t trike against  t s very attractive, and s on ty pounds t summer. I kne not a single guy e for her.

    After seeing tition, I figured t I miger all. My entire future ed my strategy. Eric  to agree.

    quot;Sure, Ill get all team to vote for you, no problem. If ts .quot;

    quot; too?quot; I asked.

    t ty mucire campaign. Of course, I  to tes like I o, and I passed out t; Ill do if Im elected presidentquot; fliers, but in t   four udents, so getting tic vote ical, and most of t give a

    just the way I planned.

    I ed student body president y of te. I  trouble it ually lead me to.

    steady  real girlfriend, t lasted for only a fe before sc out for ty years old and ribute, as far as I could tell,  e t-s o t t;; w I mean.

    ell, anyuation, I still didnt e. Everyone on tudent council o attend-it ory. I o e t day-and besides, it ty good time. I called a couple of girls I kne tes, so I called a fees, too. By tting pretty slim. to talked  ly a bed for beauties any to find somebody. I didnt  to go to t a date- look like? Id be tudent body president ever to attend t long or mopping up ts  dates usually did.

    Gro of panicky, I pulled out tarted flipping t not e. First I looked t of t college, a feill around to t. I couldnt find anyone, at least not anyone ty good at ion, Ill tell you, ts not t of t to your grandkids. My mom kneo my room and sat on the bed beside me.

    quot;If you cant get a date, Ill be o go ; she said.

    quot;t; I said dejectedly.

    t even  t down.

    t, by ted treasurer, and ill didnt e, eited to spend time  all, and ted  of proportion, as if opped groomac I mean. calking-its ions. quot;  fun? Did you see any girls?quot;  even  for an ansly as o keep turning your o keep . I s. If I didnt get a date, and off on one side  long, firing questions like some deranged prosecutor.

    So tion,  a second, turned t it. I spent t  looking, but I sloo tion t t anyone left. In time I finally turned back to ure and looked again. S bad looking, I told myself, and s. S. . . .

    I closed ts daugely not. My friends  me alive.

    But compared ing your mother or cleaning up puke or even, God forbid . . Carey Dennison?

    I spent t of ting t back and fort in to me. I o ask Jamie to t o ask her.

    It  I realized someterrible, sometely frig same t no  if ? Jamie  say no to ically sion  dead unity saints. Sen to Careys squeaky voice, see ting from , and accept rig.

    So tting in my room, frantic y t Jamie mig go to t t nigell you,  trangest t tted about asking Jamie out before. I planned to ask  till  Jamie  in scy, tried to get out of sc excuse, too, but Jamie  a. to ts or just sitting around playing games  sneaking out to t at Cecils Diner or anyt concept ely ludicrous.

    quot;Got a date yet?quot; Eric asked me in bet, but even t friend, o stick it to me once in a while.

    quot;Not yet,quot; I said, quot;but Im .quot;

    Doo  me a beady glare  looking.

    ts t was.

    tes ticked by slo-if Carey and I got out at time, Id be able to get to , arted to psycook off from sc a full clip. I  a arted to get kind of tired, and t in. Pretty soon all I could do  t cramp really started to get to me, and I o bend over and  moving. As I made my reets of Beaufort, I looked like a wre Dame.

    Be I cer. I turned around, digging my fingers into my gut to stifle t I couldnt see ting tard, t guy. You couldnt trust e.

    I started to stumble along even faster, and pretty soon I reacreet. By ting all over-my s ook a second to catce my fevered ruso ic side assumed t Carey  me orious look in  essentially meant quot;Sorry, partner, youre too late.quot;

    But it  Carey  time in my life I sao a bun, sually be cute if sunity.

    quot;Landon,quot; s;t; Jamie o see everyone, including me, tartled ;You look like youve been exercising,quot; she said.

    quot;Not really,quot; I lied, .

    quot;Youve s clean t.quot;

    quot;O?quot; I looked at my s. quot;ts not s a lot sometimes.quot;

    quot;Maybe you s cor.quot;

    quot;Ill be okay, Im sure.quot;

    quot;Ill say a prayer for you any; s as he club.

    quot;t; I said.

    S of s for a moment. quot;ell, Id invite you in, but my fat  allo around.quot;

    quot;O; I said dejectedly, quot;ts okay. e can talk out ; If Id his inside.

    quot;ould you like some lemonade ; s;I just made some.quot;

    quot;Id love some,quot; I said.

    quot;Ill be rig; So t s took a quick glance around. ticed,  tidy,  one  t oscillating in table tening to Jesus and Faitoo, and it o ter on Luke.

    A moment later Jamie returned ook a seat in ted, I sa, o us. Jamie ed my c Mrs. ings couldnt see my face. Even to ask Jamie to t  anyone-even Mrs. ings-to see me t sed Careys offer. It o actually go  o be rejected by her in favor of a guy like Carey.

    quot; are you doing?quot; Jamie asked me. quot;Youre moving your co t;

    quot;I like t; I said. S, t immediately I could feel t and making me s again.

    quot;If ts ,quot; s;So,  to talk to me about?quot;

    Jamie reacarted to adjust   moved at all. I took a deep breatrying to gat I couldnt force myself to come out  just yet.

    quot;So,quot; I said instead, quot;you  today?quot;

    Jamie looked at me curiously. quot;No. My fat tors office.quot;

    quot;Is ;

    S;;

    I nodded and glanced across treet. Mrs. ings  see anyone else in ty. t  I still  ready.

    quot;Sure is a beautiful day,quot; I said, stalling.

    quot;Yes, it is.quot;

    quot;arm, too.quot;

    quot;ts because youre in t;

    I looked around, feeling t; t a single cloud in t;

    time Jamie didnt respond, and  in silence for a fes.

    quot;Landon,quot; s;you didnt come o talk about t;

    quot;Not really.quot;

    quot;t;

    t of trut.

    quot;ell . . . I ed to knoo t;

    quot;O; sone made it seem as if s suced. I fidgeted in my seat and ed for her answer.

    quot;I really  planned on going,quot; she finally said.

    quot;But if someone asked you to go, you mig;

    It took a moment for o answer.

    quot;Im not sure,quot; s;I suppose I mig to a ;

    quot;t; I said quickly. quot;Not too muc fun.quot; Especially ions, I didnt add.

    S my turn of p;Id o talk to my fat if  ;

    In tree beside tarted to c supposed to be rated on trying to calm my nerves. Just t  it, but suddenly tening to myself as I spoke the magic words.

    quot;ell, o go to t;

    I could tell s ttle lead-up to tion probably o do imes teenagers sent t to quot;scout terrain,quot; so to speak, so as not to face possible rejection. Even t muceenagers, Im sure s, at least in theory.

    Instead of ans a sinking feeling in my stomaco say no. Visions of my motted toimes Id teased or or simply made fun of  o avoid Carey for five urned and faced me again. S smile on her face.

    quot;Id love to,quot; s;on one condition.quot;

    I steadied myself,   sometoo awful.

    quot;Yes?quot;

    quot;You o promise t you  fall in love ;

    I kneimes, I o admit, Jamie ty good sense of humor. I smiled and gave her my word.

 Chapter 3

    As a general rule, Soutists dont dance. In Beaufort,   a rule t rictly enforced. ter before -dont ask me  of a lax vie sc, tradition of sorts. By time  came along, it oo late to cty muco a sc kno all.

    I admit t I also   sometell  to t-ser and one of ts o be special. Most of t nes, and tograpo take our pictures. I kne going to buy a nely ering  a profession  of course ministers  in it for monetary gain, t for t I mean. But I didnt  o o sc so muc t cold-ed-but because of  say. I didnt  people to make fun of hing.

    t Eric didnt rib me too bad about tuation because oo busy t e. aking Margaret  our sc test bulb on tmas tree, but salking about o double-date  I turned   to take any ceasing Jamie or anyt.  less sometimes, especially ws of bourbon in him.

    tually quite busy for me. I spent most of ternoon o decorate to get to Jamies about a ed to talk to me, t kno t say I ly t of it. I figured o talk about temptation and t can lead us to. If  up fornication, t t. I said small prayers all day long in tion, but I  sure if God  my prayers on t burner, if you kno. I ty nervous just t it.

    After I s on my best suit, s to pick up Jamies corsage, to  me borro on treet directly in front of Jamies  turned t, so it ill lig rolled up to ed for a moment, t say, quot;Ill be rig; but  exactly racing to t ood tes or so, looking at ttle cracks in to t Jamie and I  in just a fe in ill turned in te direction. I guess t sat t couple of days.

    Finally t coming from ts face slig of reflected ty-t  time Id ever seen ranslucent, even more so than Id imagined.

    quot;; I said, srepidation. quot;Im o take Jamie to t;

    quot;Of course you are,quot; ;But first, I ed to talk ;

    quot;Yes, sir, ts w;

    quot;Cmon in.quot;

    In c  rig-s. ioned for me to sit on t in from tc;Im sorry it took a little omorro; he said.

    I sat down.

    quot;ts okay, sir.quot; I dont kno o call ;sir.quot;  of projected t image.

    quot;All rigell me about yourself.quot;

    I t it ion, ory ized me, by the way, and hed seen me in church every Sunday since Id been a baby.

    quot;ell, sir,quot; I began, not really knoo say, quot;Im tudent body president. I dont kno to you.quot;

    ;S;

    quot;And . . . o ty of Nort fall. Ive already received tion.quot;

    ;Anyt;

    I o admit, I  of ter t. Part of me ed to pick up table and start balancing it, giving y seconds   te it.

    quot;I guess not, sir.quot;

    quot;Do you mind if I ask you a question?quot;

    quot;No, sir.quot;

    of stared at me for a long time, as if t it.

    quot;er to t; he finally said.

    I  my expression s.

    quot;I dont kno;

    quot;Youre not planning to do anyto . . . embarrass ;

    quot;No, sir,quot; I said quickly, sion. quot;Not at all. I needed someone to go s as simple as t.quot;

    quot;You dont ;

    quot;No, sir. I  do t to ;

    t on for a fees- my true intentions, I mean-but luckily Jamie stepped out of turned our  t.  finally stopped talking, and I breat on a nice blue skirt and a unately s er in t. It  too bad, I o admit, till be underdressed compared  t er if s it do t  ted to say. Jamie looked like . . . ly like s at least s planning on bringing  oo muco live down.

    quot;Youre not giving Landon a ime, are you?quot; so her.

    quot;e  visiting,quot; I said quickly before o respond. For some reason I didnt told Jamie about t I  t noime.

    quot;ell, . I tension in to ;Dont stay up too late ;

    quot;I ,quot; ly. Even ell  afraid to s. It  me t he problem.

    e said good-bye, and on our o told o put it on once  in t in as  s period of time, Jamie he flower.

    quot;Im not exactly a dim, you kno;

    I started toion Id just  running through my mind.

    quot;My fat like you very muc; s I hinking.

    I nodded  saying anything.

    quot;;

    I nodded again.

    quot; like your fat;

    I nodded once more.

    quot;Or your family.quot;

    I get ture.

    quot;But do you kno; she asked suddenly.

    quot;Not really.quot; By tty depressed.

    quot;I t all t do you t;

    to myself.

    I doubt if t to knorut of my friends kept tance, and Jamie didnt o begin  most of our time alone. Even  turned out t my presence  even required anymore. to t t Carey couldnt get a date, and t left me feeling pretty miserable about t about it. But because of  exactly take , sime; even I could see t. Sions Id  up, s t telling me  e t of mumbled t s  a trace of energy, Jamie te. to be , I  least t  seem to notice.

    Jamie o be  someo arted  turned out t sty good dancer, considering it ime and all. Sty  a dozen songs, and after t ables and  resembled an ordinary conversation. Sure, s;fait; and quot;joyquot; and even quot;salvation,quot; and salked about ters off t s so damn  ay down for long.

    So t too terrible at first and really no ed. It  until Le sour.

    tes after upid t-s, Camels in  from t didnt take a genius to realize s test fasiced s ladylike  called c gum, c almost like a cow working her cud.

    ell, good old Learted getting tipsy. By time teac, most of tting t glassy look in t  anyto o  girl Id ever Frenceetoget time ried it t I saars and o take aspirin w ill had feelings for her.

    So tting ening as sc of tted me looking at ion  and dragged o table, giving me one of t quot;means business.quot; You knoalking about.

    quot;Are you staring at my girl?quot; ensing up.

    quot;No.quot;

    quot;Yea; Angela said, kind of slurring out t;aring rig me. told you about.quot;

    urned into little slits, just like s o do. I guess I  on lots of people.

    quot;So youre t; he said, sneering.

    No mucer. t I ty muc t one ed to cry even before t rouble staying aure, and besides, no one ever messed  Eric  somewhe bleachers.

    quot;I  staring,quot; I said finally, quot;and I dont kno I doubt if it rue.quot;

    ;Are you calling Angela a liar?quot; he sneered.

    Oops.

    I t me rig Jamie suddenly uation.

    quot;Dont I kno; s at imes Jamie seemed oblivious of situations t  of ;ait-yes, I do. You o on Foster Road, by t;

    A look of confusion crossed Lerying to put togetoo many pieces.

    quot;?  ell you about me, too?quot;

    quot;No,quot; Jamie said, quot;dont be silly.quot; So  a time like t;I saure in your grandmas ure el.quot;

    Le Jamie as talks gro of her ears.

    Mean sitting doo take a breat dancing. It sure gets  out to join us? eve got a couple of co ;

    S it t Le knoo do. Unlike to t of tood t or trying to decide if  t sounds confusing to you, imagine  o Leroleum-damaged brain.

    responding, taking Angela ten arted anyo t so drink. Jamie and I cance away, I ex even realized Id been h.

    quot;t; I said mumbled s Jamie-Jamie!- me strangely. quot;For ; s exactly spell it out for  rigo ory about Bible sc all. But time I found myself actually listening to  least   I could do.

    It turns out t it  t  evening. t  t  I sa  Angela  doing too ion o clean ake eac about it. Getting drunk  suspension, maybe even expulsion, if s caught.

    Jamie, bless , didnt  t to  oto t t Angela ion of ts rules for proper be fro didnt get ion,  inct must aken over. Sook one look at Angela and t quot;terquot; or somet and took immediate cuation. I  off and located Eric beo stand guard at t in to tidy it up. Angela ell you. t toilet. t ask me . So t t blue suit, o avoid in t place. And Jamie, my date, oo, doing exactly thing.

    I could practically ance.

    e ended up sneaking out table by  asking old  to o Angela, t if so t of my car,  immediately, alt before sed once more on t o keep from gagging, and to Angelas ra long. ook one look at er, and broug so muc o say to uation pretty mucself.

    By time en forty-five, and raigo Jamies. I  prayer

    a  to o explain to en to Jamie if sold  it, but I  o blame me anyway.

    So I ood outside under t. Jamie crossed tle, looking just as if sroll ed ty of the world.

    quot;Please dont tell your fat t; I said.

    quot;I ,quot; s on smiling ;I ime tonigaking me to t;

    ually times.

 Chapter 4

    In tty mucurned to normal. My faton, D.C., o te nig kno  t attracted us so. Maybe it o do ombstones tombstones , tually fairly comfortable to sit on.

    e usually sat in a small plot ombstones t easy to pass ts back and fortime my friends and I decided to learn  ton family, and  to to find out if anytten about to sit on someones tombstone, you mig t?

    It turns out t t muc torical records, t one interesting tidbit of information. on, t or not. Supposedly  doree as fast as any tty vivid rig, so alked about . e used to racoastal aterions  exactly , but I enjoyed theless.

    ell, Eric and me  turday niging boiled peanuts and talking about on, equot;   seen mucball season  of to feeam.

    quot;It ; I said, s to play it cool.

    Eric playfully elboed.  ty pounds.

    quot;Did you kiss ?quot;

    quot;No.quot;

    ook a long drink from  kno Eric never rouble buying beer,  everyone in town knew how old he was.

    ossing me a sidelong glance.

    quot;I  after s least kissed .quot;

    quot;ell, I didnt.quot;

    quot;Did you even try?quot;

    quot;No.quot;

    quot;?quot;

    quot;S t kind of girl,quot; I said, and even t rue, it still sounded like I was defending her.

    Eric latco t like a leech.

    quot;I t; he said.

    quot;Youre full of crap,quot; I ans out of me.   t Id he following day.

    quot;Yea be full of crap,quot;  me, quot;but youre tten ;

    I knereading on dangerous ground.

    quot;I  using o impress Margaret,quot; I said. quot;And es sely, I reckon it must ;

    Eric laughe back again.

    quot;You and Margaret-nos funny. . . .quot;

    I kne dodged a major bullet, and I breation spun off in a neion. I joined in no I  really listening to ead I kept tle voice inside me t made me  w Eric had said.

    t date I could  nigurned out. Not many dates- many people, period-ime, e didnt mean I liked  talked to  all since t old myself, I o talk to o o bring o Cecils Diner for a basket of  I didnt  to do any of t. In my mind, Id already served my penance.

    t day, Sunday, I ion to UNC. In addition to transcripts from my ion, type. If you could meet one person in ory,  influence in your life and able-our Engliseacold us o expect-and Id already ions in class as homework.

    Englis subject. Id never received anyt started scion process ing. If it  rouble, especially if it included tions t talked about trains leaving an , traveling in opposite directions at forty miles an c. It  t I  least a C-but it didnt come naturally to me, if you know w I mean.

    Anying one of my essays co run doairs to grab t I couldnt make out too  sounded like Angela. I immediately smiled to myself. Even to clean it up, sually pretty fun to be around most of time. And  least for t o to get togething.

    quot;Landon?quot;

    quot;O; I said, playing it cool, quot;;

    t pause on ther end.

    quot;;

    It  I suddenly realized I  speaking to Angela. Instead it  dropped t say t I he church records.

    quot;Landon?quot;

    quot;Im fine,quot; I finally blurted out, still in shock.

    quot;Are you busy?quot; she asked.

    quot;Sort of.quot;

    quot;O;srailing off. She paused again.

    quot;; I asked.

    It took o get t.

    quot;ell . . . I just ed to kno mind coming by a little later ternoon.quot;

    quot;Coming by?quot;

    quot;Yes. to my ;

    quot;Your ; I didnt even try to disguise t and  on.

    quot;t to talk to you about. I  ask if it  important.quot;

    quot;Cant you just tell me over t;

    quot;Id rat.quot;

    quot;ell, Im ion essays all afternoon,quot; I said, trying to get out of it.

    quot;Os important, but I suppose I can talk to you Monday at sc;

    it, I suddenly realized t s going to let me off t alking one ried to figure out o alk at ion icularly good, t s  I could do o listen to  Im a nice irresponsible, if I do say so myself.

    Of course, t didnt mean everyone else o kno it.

    quot;No,quot; I said, quot;today is fine. . . .quot;

    e arranged to meet at five oclock, and t of ternoon ticked by sloer torture. I left my y minutes early, so Id y of time to get ted near terfront in toric part of to a feracoastal ateroracks, so it ake me about t long to get there.

    It emperature  Beaufort  t ted practically forever. It mig  in t be a cold spell t lasted a  for t part all you needed o make it ter. today  days-mid-seventies  a cloud in the sky.

    I made it to Jamies  on time and knocked on , and a quick peek inside revealed t   around. It  quite ea or lemonade, and  in t anyto drink. to loself in t anyone on treet. time I didnt o move my c  been moved since t time Id been there.

    quot;t; s;I kno I appreciate your taking time to do t;

    quot;So, ant?quot; I said, ing to get th as quickly as possible.

    Jamie, for t time since Id kno bringing oget.

    quot;I ed to ask you a favor,quot; she said seriously.

    quot;A favor?quot;

    She nodded.

    At first I t so ask me to e tioned at o use my moto bring some stuff to t  needed t to go to. But it still took a fe t.

    Sogether again.

    quot;Id like to ask you if you  mind playing tom ton in t; she said.

    tom ton, like I said before, er, ts t for t  important role.

    quot;ell . . . I dont kno; I said, confused. quot;I t Eddie Jones o be tom. ts old us.quot;

    Eddie Jones  like Carey Dennison, by talked to you ic, and   squinc nervous, ime. ing ic blind man if you put  of a croo make tutter, too, and it took ime to say anyt all. Miss Garber o do it, but even t  eacoo, but s ion, since no one else had come forward.

    quot;Miss Garber didnt say t exactly.  s Eddie could ried out for it.quot;

    quot;Cant someone else do it instead?quot;

    But t anyone else, and I kne. Because of s requirement t only seniors perform, t year. t fifty senior boys at ty-team, and eam still in tate title, none of time to go to ty or so er-scice as ion s t.

    No  to do t all, and not only because Id come to realize t drama  about t boring class ever invented. taken Jamie to  couldnt bear t t Id o spend every afternoon  mont being seen  would my friends say?

    But I could tell tant to  t s clear. Jamie never asked anyone for a favor. I ted t no one would ever do ion made me sad.

    quot; about Jeff Bangert?  do it,quot; I offered.

    Jamie s;. o ore after scil s back on .quot;

    quot; about Darren oods?quot;

    quot; week w. ;

    quot;Really? I didnt kno,quot; I said, stalling, but Jamie knew w I was doing.

    quot;Ive been praying about it, Landon,quot; sime. quot;Id really like to be special t for me, but because of my fat it to be t production ever. I knoo o see me be t; Sing s. quot;It errible if t;

    Sopped again before going on, ional as s on.

    quot;I kno  embarrassed to do t. Actually,  old me t s about doing it. Sometimes people at sc  Eddie to be . But . . .quot; Sook a deep breat;but t . . .   people ;

    I nodded, my lips pressed toget I . In fact, I already er Miss Garber  t t it ed it up made me feel terrible, almost sick to my stomach.

    Sraigtle in  and looked at me sadly, as if so say no. I guess s know  on.

    quot;I kno c of t I dont  to believe t to someone like my fates o God, o ty. And  o raise me on . . . .quot;

    Jamie turned a I could see tears in   time Id ever seen  of me ed to cry, too.

    quot;Im not asking you to do it for me,quot; sly, quot;Im really not, and if you say no, Ill still pray for you. I promise. But if youd like to do someto me . . . ill you just t it?quot;

    messed on t my feet.

    quot;I dont o t it,quot; I finally said. quot;Ill do it.quot;

    I really didnt have a choice, did I?

 Chapter 5

    t day I talked to Miss Garber,  tion, and got t. Eddie, by t upset at all. In fact, I could tell ually relieved about to let me play tom ton,  of relaxed rig;Y-y-yes, a-a-absolutely,quot; uttering. quot;I-I-I un-un-understand.quot; It took ically ten seconds to get t.

    For y,  role. tely mute, but t  one point in to tell te bum t God c for rodden. t ip-offs to t s from  ed it to be real clear ion, and it certainly  going to be a fey gs  of nowhere.

    Rearted t il  all t;little bugsquot; out of our performance. By little bugs, I mean our tendency to accidentally knock over t fifteen years ago,  year, by toby Bus of roving s for t.  traigally  once a day.  o to sooto ly s  all own.

    But   allooby really didnt knorict environment. As a result, t  obvious rig. After a feo fall apart, and  took it upon o keep toget  t too good at t, rusty nails sticking out all over, poking t o ly  ourselves or topple over, making little nail age floor. After a couple of years tage o be resurfaced, and t exactly close to , to be more careful in ture. t meant ice in til  t;little bugs.quot;

    Fortunately   involved ual production of tering duties. t role fell to Miss Garber, and t told us to do o memorize our lines as quickly as possible. e didnt ime as ted for re possible day in November, and  didnt  to be performed too close to Cmas, so as not to interfere ;its true meaning.quot; t left us only to get t rig a han usual.

    t t day t really surprising.   soo, as  t, and Id be looking do a stack of pages, trying to figure out  line s ing for a burning buse bums, at least on t first day, and all of a sudden I ually envious of Eddie, at least in t regard. to be a lot of  exactly ed whe class.

    My noble feelings about doing t;rig; my friends didnt understand it at all, and t. quot;Youre doing ; Eric asked . quot;Youre doing t plain stupid?quot; I sort of mumbled t I   let it drop, and old everyone around us t I , of course,  rue, and tell t person tories kept getting oo-by lunc I ting engaged. I actually t it. S ual except for t t s  couldnt ignore. uffed into ted oacky antique so be , it sort of gave me the willies.

    I guess t ed to resent Jamie again. I kno  , but I aking t, ly gone out of  of o make me feel o stumble t fe really even attempting to learn t for Jamie and Miss Garber. After reo put t of my mind, and I  even boto pick up t. Instead Id joke  tell fibs about  hing.

    Jamie, t going to let me off t easy. No, s me rig s, righe old ego.

    I  urday nigs tive state cball, about a er rearted. e  terfront outside of Cecils Diner, eating creet. Sill a urning o side,  old broer again and carrying  must e for o be out, and it ranger to see  of tourned my back to , but even Margaret- who she was looking for.

    quot;Landon, your girlfriend is ;

    quot;S my girlfriend,quot; I said. quot;I dont ;

    quot;Your fianc¨¦e, t;

    I guess salked to Sally, too.

    quot;Im not engaged,quot; I said. quot;No off.quot;

    I glanced over my so see if sted me, and I guess soended not to notice.

    quot;; Margaret said, and giggled.

    quot;I kno; I said.

    ty seconds later s again.

    quot;Sill coming.quot; I told you she was quick.

    quot;I kno; I said tted teet  for  drive you as crazy as Jamie.

    I glanced around again, and time Jamie kneurned a later sanding right beside me.

    quot;; so me, oblivious of my scorn. quot; . . .quot; S around t of mumbled quot;; and tried not to stare at the Bible.

    Eric . Jamie could even make Eric feel guilty if so  one time, and Eric alks before. Be;tion Lady,quot; in obvious reference to tion Army. quot;S; o say. But ory. In   to be in her bad graces.

    quot; seen you around mucly.quot; Sill talked to ime.

    ed from one foot to t  guilty look for all it h.

    quot;ell, I  been to cely,quot; he said.

    Jamie smiled t glittery smile. quot;ell, ts okay, I suppose, as long as it doesnt become a  or anyt;

    quot;It .quot;

    No beell t about all ts t to Jamie. For a second I t o call ;maam.quot;

    quot;You  a beer?quot; Margaret asked. I trying to be funny, but no one laughed.

    Jamie put o ugging gently at ;O really . . . t;

    Sly at me  glo so ask me off to to be  I t urn out better, but I guess t  in her plans.

    quot;ell, you did really  re; so me. quot;I kno a lot of lines to learn, but Im sure youre going to get t ed to teering like you did. Youre a real gentleman.quot;

    quot;t; I said, a little knot forming in my stomacried to be cool, but all my friends elling trut Miss Garber forcing it on me and everyt.

    quot;Your friends s; Jamie added, putting t t to rest.

    quot;O; Eric said, pouncing. quot;Very proud.  Landon, eering and all.quot;

    Oh no.

    Jamie smiled at urned back to me again, ;I also ed to tell you t if you need any ime. e can sit on to.quot;

    I sa;like ; to Margaret. t going  all. By no in my stomach was as big as Paul Bunyans bowling ball.

    quot;ts okay,quot; I mumbled, ;I can learn t ;

    quot;ell, sometimes it o read ; Eric offered.

    I told you ick it to me, even though he was my friend.

    quot;No, really,quot; I said to ;Ill learn t;

    quot;Maybe,quot; Eric said, smiling, quot;you t of t it dotle better. Sort of a dress reo see it.quot;

    You could practically see Jamies mind start clicking at tion of t  button ;Do you t; she asked.

    Eric nodded seriously. quot;Im sure of it. Landon  of it first, but I kno if I   exactly t;

    quot;Me too,quot; Margaret chimed in.

    As t  scene from Julius Caesar abs  tu, Eric?

    quot;It ; s me, and I could tell sill mulling it over.

    But Eric  about to let me off t easy. No  to do  me. quot;Youd like to do t,  you, Landon?quot; ;;

    It  exactly someto, ?

    quot;I reckon so,quot; I said under my breataring at my best friend. Eric, despite the remedial classes he was in, would have been one hell of a chess player.

    quot;Good, ts all settled. ts if its okay ; , it could y.

    quot;ell . . . yes, I suppose Ill o talk to Miss Garber and tor of t if ts okay, I t ;

    And tell s it.

    Ce.

    t day I spent fourteen  of control. My senior year certainly  turning out t it  if I o perform for a buncainly didnt  to look like an idiot.

 Chapter 6

    t talk to Miss Garber about our plans for t it  er sed you ;; On Monday, ; and for t t about four zillion times.

    But Miss Garber actually  our idea one better. Sold t o do ts as  t t t ing for someone to nod so s official. No one moved a muscle, except for Eddie. Some t exact moment, and ly. t  across  by Norma Jeans leg. S of  loud, and ted, quot;E; t of tarted looking around and craning trying to see en seconds total pandemonium in t was as good of an answer as she needed.

    quot;Marvelous,quot; she discussion.

    Jamie, meaned about performing for t;t; s conspiratorially, quot;but Ive been o do for t it for mont tmas to be t special one of all.quot;

    quot;mas so important?quot; I asked iently, as if Id asked a question t didnt really matter.

    quot;It just is,quot; she said simply.

    t step o talk it over or of t Mr. Jenkins before, being t ty,  ing er t evening, I  of  I  dressed nice enoug s to make a good impression. Even t as excited about it as Jamie ed as Jamie), I didnt  to be regarded as tmas for ther.

    Before  to ting, o my o pick up my moms car, and tle nicer. took about ten minutes or so, and Jamie didnt say muc least until  to my neig, and sions  muc, but o my  taking in her surroundings.

    No doubt it   later I sao tings t lined tors, so to speak. As ire lineage could be traced in t lined tared at turned tention to till looked practically neer ty years. ture  , but it  somet about. to me, it  a e part of it  led to t was my escape ch.

    I sour of tting room, t on t julep and reading, and o say hello.

    I told you t every adult in to included my mom. Even t  ten all over t against Jamie, because of  salked  for a clean s and a tie.

    Back ties a lot, especially ion of auty. airs fully dressed, Jamie old my mom about the plan.

    quot;Its a ; Jamie said, beaming at me. quot;Landons really got a special .quot;

    My mom-after making sure sly-faced me ared at me like I was an alien.

    quot;So t; my mom asked. Like everyone else in town, s lie.

    I cleared my t, t I still ed to do to  involved molasses and fire ants, by the way.

    quot;Kind of,quot; I said.

    quot;Amazing.quot; It  out. S knoails, but s o a corner to do sometuff like t, and I could see  me and trying to figure it out. to escape ive gaze, I ccioned to Jamie t ter be going. My mom got tbook and o me, still giving me t t Id someten a as I o thers voice again.

    quot;Come on over anytime, Jamie!quot; my mom sed. quot;Youre always welcome ;

    Even motick it to you sometimes.

    I ill s in the car.

    quot;Your mot; Jamie said.

    I started t;Yea; I said, quot;I guess so.quot;

    quot;And your iful.quot;

    quot;U;

    quot;You s your blessings.quot;

    quot;O; I said, quot;I do. Im practically t guy alive.quot;

    Some catcic tone of my voice.

    e got to t about time it ting dark. e es early, and tor  ant call and  meet  aable. e ing on a bencside urned to me. ed it for support, but t  .

    quot;You did really oday,quot; s;it;

    quot;t; I said, feeling proud and dejected at exactly time. quot;I still  learned my beats, t; I offered. tice t going to suggest it.

    quot;You ;

    quot;I ;

    Jamie smiled, and after a moment s, sort of track. quot;Do you ever t ture, Landon?quot; she asked.

    I artled by ion because it sounded . . . so ordinary.

    quot;Yea; I ansiously.

    quot;ell,  to do ;

    I stle  kno. I  figured t part out. Im going to UNC next fall, at least I o get accepted first.quot;

    quot;You ; she said.

    quot;;

    quot;Because Ive prayed for t, too.quot;

    , I t  t Jamie tossed yet anot me.

    quot; after college?  do you  to do t;

    quot;I dont kno; I said, s;Maybe Ill be a one-armed lumberjack.quot;

    S t was funny.

    quot;I ter,quot; s;I t ;

    t ely ridiculous,  kne came from t and sended it as a compliment.

    quot;t; I said. quot;I dont kno, but Im sure Ill find somet; It took a moment for me to realize t tion alled and t it urn to ask a question.

    quot; you?  do you  to do in ture?quot;

    Jamie turned a a far-off gaze in  s it vanis as quickly as it came.

    quot;I  to get married,quot; sly. quot;And o  everyone I knoo be t ting ;

    quot;ts all?quot; t averse to t seemed kind of silly to  as your lifes goal.

    quot;Yes,quot; s;ts all I .quot;

    t t s sried to make ter, even t still seemed silly to me.

    quot;ell, youll get married someday. Youll meet some guy and t off, and o marry  your fato ;

    I didnt mention t about   even I couldnt imagine.

    Jamie t carefully about my ans, t know why.

    quot;I ; she said finally.

    I could tell s  to talk about it anymore, dont ask me o something new.

    quot;So o t; I asked conversationally.

    quot;Seven years noen years old t time I came. I  of t;

    quot;Do you enjoy it, or does it make you sad?quot;

    quot;Botuations. Its enougo break your  . But  take all ts test feeling in t;

    Sically glo to make me feel guilty, t ly t. It   up  by tting fairly used to it. S you every  normal, Id come to learn.

    At t moment, Mr. Jenkins opened ted us in. t like a al room, e tiled floors, al cabinet against tal desk t looked like it amped off t  neurotically clean of anyt a single picture or anything.

    Jamie introduced me, and I ser  do of talking. t rigered. After smoot , Jamie explained our plan. No almost as soon as sarted. But even t and kne was a good idea.

    quot;I dont ts a good idea,quot; he said.

    ts  hinking.

    quot;?quot; Jamie asked, husiasm.

    Mr. Jenkins picked up a pencil and started tapping it on  o explain ime,  dohe pencil and sighed.

    quot;Even ts a o do somet a fatually comes to realize er.quot;  t sink in for a moment and picked up t;Cmas is  reminding t t if t . . .quot;

    even o finis o ;O; s a;youre rig t about t.quot;

    Neito tell you trut it  Mr. Jenkins made sense.

    ted for a ead.

    quot;ell ree and a fes-somet all of t;Youre o visit Cmas Eve. . . .quot;

    After  saying anytell ss of different emotions-s al, t  time I recognized t in some  of us.

    quot;Im sorry it didnt ,quot; I said softly.

    quot;I am, too.quot;

    S fara before s on.

    quot;I just ed to do somet for t t for sure t. . . .quot; S;to  I just dont kno yet.quot;

    S for a long time, and I looked at  o feel bad about myself-I kne h her . . .

    quot; to stop in to see t; I asked into t o do t migter. quot;I could  out alk to to t.quot;

    quot;ould you visit t; she asked suddenly.

    to be , I  sure I could , but I kne t automatically.

    quot;Sure, Ill go.quot;

    quot;ts ime,quot; she said.

    e o to a good-size room. Percelevision  ty metal folding c. tting in t, and you could tell t only t row hing.

    I glanced around. In table. ty, t noy Styrofoam cups sat on top of it, and I kne  been used in mont to table  of soys  too many, and t ime. Along th crayons.

    e stood in t a second. e  been noticed yet, and I asked he newspapers were for.

    quot;t ; s;so t; S look at me as sead tention ed at to smile again.

    quot;Are toys t; I asked.

    S;Yes, except for tuffed animals. to keep t of t.quot;

    I guess so it. to me, t imagine grohis.

    Jamie and I finally o turned around at teps.  eig teeth missing.

    quot;Jamie!quot; ed urned. t five to ter to be sent to live er parents, I later learned.

    quot;; Jamie said in response, quot;;

    it, Roger and some of to croo television no ts in t roroduced me to one of tone, I t  most of the kids in our high school had.

    quot; a friend,quot; s;But ;

    Over t ed  a lot of questions about  siced t s promise I h her.

    o t;t; I s;Im glad t you  to ;

    Jamie turned to me and smiled. S muco add after t, but I could tell sill  Cmas.

 Chapter 7

    By early December, just over to reer dark before Miss Garber  us leave, and Jamie asked me if I  mind o. Beaufort  exactly a bed of criminal activity back t abbed outside of Maurices tavern,  caused quite a stir, and poy of a crazed lunatic reets, preying on innocent victims. Doors  by t  of t be creeping doreet. But t o tation to give  it  out of ly tim . t six years in tate penitentiary. to till liked to strut around  in coffee salked about t;big crime,quot; as if the Lindbergh baby.

    But Jamies o mine, and I couldnt say no  ing   t I liked  get t inue doing t for at least anot  to do anyt mig day miserable for either of you.

    to be performed t Friday and Saturday, and lots of people alking about it. Miss Garber  s telling everyone it o be t play tion, too, . e ation in toervie t;Its going to be marvelous,quot; s;absolutely marvelous.quot; So e an article about it, primarily because of t connection, even to it. But Miss Garber less, and just t day sold us to bring in extra seats to accommodate tra-large croed. t of oo  t o some of t t time in  be interested in . You migting excited about it, too, but I really . My friends ill teasing me at sc ernoon off in  kept me going  t I ;rig; I knos not muc frankly, it  of good about it, too, tted it to anyone. I could practically imagine tanding around and staring fully do me tle tears filling talking about how wonderful I was for all my sacrifices.

    So I  nig tuff, wion.

    quot;Is it true you and your friends sometimes go to t nig;

    Part of me  serested. t  exactly a secret, it didnt seem like t of t at all.

    quot;Yea; I said, s;Sometimes.quot;

    quot; do you do t peanuts?quot;

    I guess s t, too.

    quot;I dont kno; I said. quot;talk . . . joke around. Its just a place o go.quot;

    quot;Does it ever scare you?quot;

    quot;No,quot; I ans; scare you?quot;

    quot;I dont kno; s;It mig;

    quot;;

    quot;Because Id  I mig;

    quot;e dont do anyt knock over tombstones or leave our tras; I said. I didnt  to tell  our conversations about on because I kne  t of t to . Last  could lie in bed and . . . well . . . you know.

    quot;Do you ever just sit around and listen to t; s;Like ts cling of leaves are at tars?quot;

    Even teenager and  kno t teenagers, and trying to understand teenage boys for rying to decipivity.

    quot;Not really,quot; I said.

    Stle. quot;I ts  look around to really see t quietly and listen.quot;

    tion struck me as strange, but I didnt press it, and s. And since stle about me, I sort of felt obliged to ask   broug  I could do.

    quot;So, ; I asked. quot;Besides ters or reading t; It sounded ridiculous, even to me, I admit, but ts w she did.

    S me. I tion, and even more surprised at my interest in her.

    quot;I do a lot of tudy for my classes, I spend time .quot;

    quot;Do you ever just go off ;

    quot;No,quot; sell by t even to   no one ed her around much.

    quot;Ill bet youre excited about going off to college next year,quot; I said, c.

    It took  to answer.

    quot;I dont to go,quot; ster-of-factly.  me off guard. Jamie  grades in our senior class, and depending on  semester , s even end up valedictorian. e o imes sion t een, being t ses.

    quot; about Mount Sermon? I t ts ,quot; I offered.

    S me  rig you?quot;

    times t bethe eyeballs.

    quot;I didnt mean it t ; I said quickly. quot;I just meant t Id  ed you o be going t year.quot;

    S really anso be , I didnt knoo make of it. By t of opped on t front. From  s sains. tting on t he Bible.

    quot;t; s me for a moment before finally starting up the walk.

    As I c  t of all times Id ever talked to rangest conversation ically normal.

    t nig my father.

    quot;, I reckon,quot; I said. quot;But  around muc;

    quot;Do you miss t? Not gro;

    quot;Sometimes.quot;

    quot;I miss my mom, too,quot; s;even t;

    It  time Id ever considered t Jamie and I mig t sink in for a while.

    quot;It must be ; I said sincerely. quot;Even tranger to me, at least ill around.quot;

    S me as ugged gently at o notice t s sure o say.

    quot;It is, sometimes. Dont get me -but times  alk about t my fat.quot;

    I assumed salking about boys. It  until later t I learned how wrong I was.

    quot;s it like, living ;

    quot;No. ually got a pretty good sense of ;

    quot;?quot; I blurted out. I couldnt even imagine it.

    I to  name, but s me off t respond to my comment. Instead s;Dont look so surprised. Youll like  to know ;

    quot;I doubt if Ill ever get to know ;

    quot;You never kno; s;;

    I ed  kneo t t;Big Guy upstairsquot; old  even  ticket into  I mean, being as how good a person she was.

    quot; to know ; I asked.

    S ans so  t sed it w.

    t nigalked about her Bible.

    quot; ; I asked.

    No t big of an assumption, given  felt about Scripture and all. But tty looking, and I figured t s to  try or to sion to thing.

    Seps before answering.

    quot;It ; she said simply.

    quot;O; I said it like Id stepped on someones pet turtle, squas under my shoe.

    S me. quot;Its okay, Landon. ;

    quot;Im sorry I asked. . . .quot;

    quot;Dont be. You didnt mean anyt.quot; S;My mot my mom  first. S all time, especially wime in ;

    I t about t on.

    quot;So read it at nig to sleep, and s al  s of tal at time.quot;

    quot;Im sorry,quot; I said again. ells you somets to say, even if youve already said it before.

    quot;It just gives me a o . . . to be a part of and t?quot; S saying it sadly, just more to let me knoo my question. Some made it worse.

    After sold me tory, I t of  again, and I didnt really knoo say. As I  my anss opped and turned around at time as o the side.

    Eric and Margaret  on t to us.

    quot;ell, lookee old  teenage minds  took priority over anyt I  Jamies story.

    quot;,quot; Jamie said cheerfully.

    quot;alking ; I could see ttle devil behind Erics smile.

    quot;; I said, wishing hed never seen me.

    quot;Its a beautiful nigrolling, isnt it?quot; Eric said. I t because Margaret tle bolder t tunity pass  sticking it to me.

    Jamie looked around and smiled. quot;Yes, it is.quot;

    Eric looked around, too, ful look in aking a deep breatell . quot;Boy, it really is nice out t; o it  be ually ars, and I   you to miss it.quot; h a favor.

    quot;O to my ; Jamie said. quot;I o offer Landon a cup of cider. ould you like to meet us ty.quot;

    A cup of cider? At  mentioned t. . . .

    I put my ,  any worse.

    quot;Os all rig o Cecils Diner.quot;

    quot;On a sc?quot; sly.

    quot;O be out too late,quot; ;but ;

    quot;topping to say ; Jamie said, waving.

    Eric got t slo , t getting out of trouble ime  of ts  , Mom, t of no darted out in front of me, and I couldnt stop in time.quot; No exactly dart anyhe way.

    Once t of sigurned to me and smiled.

    quot;You ;

    quot;Sure I do.quot; Notice the careful way I phrased my answer.

    After dropping Jamie off-no, I didnt stay for any cider-I started back to my ime. By tory  me completely, and I could practically  me, all the way from Cecils Diner.

    See w happens when youre a nice guy?

    By t morning everyone at scarted up a neion about time it   I o spend my lunc to get a all.

    t nig t  one before t to do. Riger sco load all to ted truck to take to t Eddie and I ly t coordinated individual in ory. ed be ems, and   every critical moment umble over some dust or an insect on t of t t painful way possible.

    quot;S-s-sorry,quot; ;D-d-did . . . t ?quot;

    Id stifle t and bite out, quot;Just dont do it again.quot;

    But  stop umbling around any more top time  t even get a co eat before rearted. Moving taken t finisting til a fees before everyone else arrived to begin. it  day, suffice it to say I ty bad mood.

    I ran t even t t say t long. Ser Jamie simply smiled and told  to  everyto be all rig trying to make tter for me, but o ance out of my   to be seen again doing it. But Miss Garber  and s Id be glad to do it. quot;You talk about t; s;Maybe you can  t; By kinks, of course, s me specifically.

    So once more I ended up  really in to talk because I tle bit in front of s,  even really turning back to see  t fees, and I  said a o her.

    quot;Youre not in a very good mood, are you?quot; s;You didnt even try tonig;

    quot;You dont miss a t; I said sarcastically  looking at her.

    quot;Maybe I can ; s kind of tle angrier.

    quot;I doubt it,quot; I snapped.

    quot;Maybe if you told me ;

    I didnt let her finish.

    quot;Look,quot; I said, stopping, turning to face ;Ive just spent all day  eaten since lunco trek a mile out of my o make sure you get  even need me to do it.quot;

    It  time Id ever raised my voice to o tell you trut felt kind of good. It ime. Jamie oo surprised to respond, and I  on.

    quot;And t even like me. to do it.quot;

    quot;Youre just saying t t;

    I cut h a shake of my head.

    Once I got on a roll, it imes o stop. I could take imism and coday  to pusoo far.

    quot;Dont you get it?quot; I said, exasperated. quot;Im not nervous about t dont  to be   to  my friends to keep talking about me, and I dont  to spend time ing like  . ere not anyt  to be over so I can go back to my normal life.quot;

    S by my outburst, and to be , I couldnt blame her.

    quot;I see,quot; o defend o make  s. All so of ed to cry, but s, and I finally stalked aer, tart moving, too. S five yards be of to  try to talk to me again until sarted up the sidewalk when I heard her voice.

    quot;t; s.

    I eful to t t kind of girl, and I tually ed .

    Or rated myself.

 Chapter 8

    t of tely clear  a  of clouds. e o arrive an ty bad all day about talked to Jamie t before. S nice to me, and I kne Id been a jerk. I saed to go up to apologize to  Id said, but s of slip back into t the chance.

    S time I finally arrived, and I sao Miss Garber and , off to one side, over by tains.

    Everyone ion,  srangely let put on ume yet-so o give t angelic appearance-and sill er s sce my trepidation at  react, I o them.

    quot;; I said. quot;hello, Reverend . . . Miss Garber.ˇ±

    Jamie turned to me.

    quot;; sly. I could tell s t before, too, because s smile at me like salk to cook a feeps off to t of ance.

    I glanced around tage nervously.

    quot;Im sorry about t nig; I began. quot;I kno your feelings, and I o hem.ˇ±

    S me, as if wondering wo believe me.

    quot;Did you mean t; she finally asked.

    quot;I  in a bad mood, ts all. I get sort of imes.quot; I knew I  really answered ion.

    quot;I see,quot; s as s before, turned toy seats in t sad look in her eyes.

    quot;Look,quot; I said, reac;I promise to make it up to you.quot; Dont ask me  just seemed like t to do at t moment.

    For t time t nigo smile.

    quot;t; surning to face me.

    quot;Jamie?ˇ±

    Jamie turned. quot;Yes, Miss Garber?ˇ±

    quot;I t ready for you.quot; Miss Garber ioning h her hand.

    quot;Ive got to go,quot; so me.

    quot;I know.ˇ±

    quot;Break a leg?quot; I said. iso be bad luck. ts o quot;break a leg.ˇ±

    I let go of ;e both will. I promise.ˇ±

    After t,  ready, and  our separate icated, considering t it ed in Beaufort, e dressing rooms t made us feel as if ual actors, as opposed to students.

    My costume,  the dressing room.

    Earlier in ts taken so t tered, and I ting dressed whe door unannounced.

    Eddie ill in tting on e bums costume, and error in  least once a  out of t as ume on t t on table in front of the mirror.

    quot;So,quot; Eric said ;o do?ˇ±

    I looked at ; do you mean?quot; I asked.

    quot;About tupid. You gonna flub up your lines or something?ˇ±

    I s;No.ˇ±

    quot;You gonna knock t; Everyone kne the props.

    quot;I  planned on it,quot; I ansoically.

    quot;You mean youre going to do traight up?ˇ±

    I nodded. t even occurred to me.

    me for a long time, as if he were seeing someone hed never seen before.

    quot;I guess youre finally gro;  last. Coming from Eric, I  sure ended as a compliment.

    Eit.

    In tom ton is amazed mas unate.

    t  of toms mout;Youre beautiful,quot; and I o say t ttom of my . tal moment in tire play, and it sets tone for everyt er I still  nailed t.

    Sure, I said t t come off too convincingly, seeing as I probably said t Jamie, ion of . It  it. I kept trying to imagine someone else as t I could get it just rig rying to concentrate on, it kept getting lost in the shuffle.

    Jamie ill in ains finally opened. I didnt see  t  fe include  tom ton and ionser.

    No too nervous  on stage, being t Id re it s you rig actually ely packed, and as Miss Garber ed, to set up tra ros all the back.

    Normally t four  s t least anoty people sitting doion, people anding against the walls, packed like sardines.

    As soon as I stepped on stage, everyone ely quiet. ticed, ype, t play bingo and drink Bloody Marys at Sunday bruncting  o be standing in front of ted for me to say something.

    So I did t I could to put it out of my mind as I did t feer, by t of small, and  t as acular or anytains for act t time everyone pitc all costs.

    I still  seen Jamie-I guess s from moving props because ume  on one of t I didnt ime to t o do. t tain  storefronts and looking in er s for Cmas. My back urned from  I ively draage. I t it  before, but no  absolutely ill. Just to tage, I sao turn around, and  .

    For t time since Id knoo a tigead it ter in  caugage ligal  against e dress tailored exactly for  ely amazing to be look like tly to kno a lot, just enougo bring out tness of ures. Sly, as if s close to , just like t called for o do.

    Sly like an angel.

    I knotle, and I just stood t  seemed like a long time, so silence, until I suddenly remembered t I o deliver. I took a deep breat it out.

    quot;Youre beautiful,quot; I finally said to orium, from t to my friends in t I actually meant it.

    Id nailed t line for t time.

 Chapter 9

    to say t to put it mildly. tty muc to do. But because of Jamies presence, it really became somet  mucs. e finis performance  a c evening even more people s. Even Eric came up to me afterulated me, wer w o me before was somew of a surprise.

    quot;t; ;Im proud of you, buddy.ˇ±

    , Miss Garber , quot;Marvelous!quot; to anyone o  o be , repeating it over and over so muc I kept on  long after I  to bed t niger ains closed for time, and spotted o tears in   time Id ever seen  into ime. roking ;My angel,quot; to  myself choking up.

    t;rig; I realized,  so bad after all.

    After t go of eac proudly motioned for o visit  of t, and s a boatload of congratulations from everyone backstage. S on telling people s kno. S ty, it came across in a totally different ood in tting , and Ill admit t of me t felt like old . I couldnt  be tle proud as o one side, sopping when she was close.

    Looking up at me, s;t you did. You made my father very happy.ˇ±

    quot;Youre ; I said, meaning it.

    trange t, I realized t  y to walk here.

    t ting off because of all tting tty  ion at nig to bed. Even so, I couldnt  t Jamie.

    Jamies transformation during tartling, to say t, and I assumed it  kno  I did, and so I was amazed w morning back dressed like er, , and all.

    One look  took, and I couldnt  feel sorry for   s it slip ale nicer to  talked to  told  a good job soo, but I could tell rig it  going to last. Attitudes forged since co break, and part of me  mig  people actually knew s even become more less.

    I ed to talk to  my impressions, I really did, but I o do so after t only did I  to do, but I ed a little time to t o tell o be , I ill feeling a little guilty about to   just because turned out great. It o do  t in all our time toget kind, and I kne Id been wrong.

    I didnt ted to talk to me, eito tell you trut  lunc off in t so as I o tell  about my ts, I agreed. For old times sake, you see.

    A minute later Jamie got doo business.

    quot;Do you remember t walk ; she asked.

    I nodded, wis broug up.

    quot;You promised to make it up to me,quot; she said.

    For a moment I  Id done t already  on.

    quot;ell, Ive been t ; sinued  letting me get a ;and t Ive come up h.ˇ±

    S mind gat out in businesses all over to on ters, usually near ters, so t people could drop to go to ted to ask people straig for ted to give voluntarily. t, in ian to do.

    I remembered seeing tainers in places like Cecils Diner and ter. My friends and I used to toss paper clips and slugs in t looking, since t of like a coin being dropped inside, to ourselves about ting someto joke about ing somet, and s out and find not slugs and paper clips. Sometimes,  makes you s exactly w I did.

    Jamie sahe look on my face.

    quot;You dont o do it,quot; sed. quot;I  t since Cmas is coming up so quickly and I dont ll simply take me too long to collect them all. . . .ˇ±

    quot;No,quot; I said cutting ;Ill do it. I dont o do anyway.ˇ±

    So ts arting ednesday, even tests to study for, even  application needing to be finis of every place sarted at to out about sixty cans in all, and I figured t it ake only a day to collect to putting t, it  aken Jamie almost six o do because s o find sixty empty jars and cans and t out only t  a time. arted out, I felt sort of funny about being t it , but I kept telling myself t Jamie o help.

    I  from business to business, collecting t day I realized it o take a little longer t.

    Id picked up only about ty containers or so, because Id forgotten one simple fact of life in Beaufort. In a small to o simply run inside and grab t cting or or saying o someone else you mig just  done. So Id sit talking about t fall, or tion t ted my opinion on ore. Jamie, I kneried to act like I t s me to. It er all.

    to keep t stop to cake in bet dumped one jar or can into t, combining t along. By t day all to my room. I sa too many-but I  actually nervous until I emptied tents onto my floor and sa ted primarily of pennies. t nearly as many slugs or paper clips as Id t t be, I ill disened   a lot of money, especially wy kids.

    I didnt get discouraged, t it ake, I  out t day, ted y proprietors ake: $23.89.

    ter counting up t believe it. terfront, s and teenagers like me . e   think.

    Seeing tle ed in all-$55.73-made me feel a t for almost a imes. t nigo call Jamie to tell  Id collected, but I just couldnt do it. Sold me ed sometra special t going to do it-even I kne. Instead I lied to old  I  going to count total until t toget  mine. It  too depressing. I promised to bring over ternoon, after sc out. t day est day of tmas was only four days away.

    quot;Landon,quot; so me after counting it up, quot;this is a miracle!ˇ±

    quot;; I asked. I knely  was.

    quot;t t in ts  acked in neat little piles all over t all quarters and dimes.  c table, ing urned he sound of her voice.

    quot;Do you ts enoug; I asked innocently.

    Little tears  believing  of er t been nearly t at me.

    quot;Its . . . ; sion t;Last year, I only collected seventy dollars.ˇ±

    quot;Im glad it  better t; I said t . quot;If you  placed t so early in t not ed nearly as much.ˇ±

    I kno I didnt care. For once, it  to do.

    I didnt  toys-I figured ster  any sed t I go o tmas Eve so t I could be ts.

    quot;Please, Landon,quot; sed and all, I just didnt  to turn her down.

    So ter, y at toot and my best tie and o my moms car  beneat my last feer because t o get  exactly t person to shop for.

    I o be at t seven, but ty port, and I o  until an outbound freigs , I arrived a fees late. t door  time, and I o pound on it until Mr. Jenkins finally  of keys until  one, and a moment later epped inside, patting my arms to he chill.

    quot;A; ;eve been ing for you. Cmon, Ill take you to where everyone is.ˇ±

    o t a moment to exhale deeply before finally heading in.

    It ter than Id imagined.

    In ter of t tree, decorated insel and colored lig s. Beneatree, spread in all directions, s of every size and sting close toget clote collared ss, , and most of t.

    On table beside tters of cookies, smas trees and sprinkled s sitting ting on ts laps, t tention as tened to quot; t Before Cmas.ˇ±

    I didnt see Jamie, t least not rig. It . Sory, and I finally located ting on t of tree  beneath her.

    to my surprise, I sa tonig as it  of tead of times, ser t someuated t blue eyes. Even  sparkles in e flo of ing. it even noticing it, Id been  me out of trying to regain control.

    Jamie paused only once to look up from tory. Siced me standing in t back to reading to t took e or so to finisood up and smoot, to make o knoo go, I stayed where I was.

    By then Mr. Jenkins had slipped away.

    quot;Im sorry arted  you,quot; s;but t so excited.ˇ±

    quot;Its okay,quot; I said, smiling, thinking how nice she looked.

    quot;Im so glad you could come.ˇ±

    quot;So am I.ˇ±

    Jamie smiled and reaco lead t;Cmon ; she said.

    quot; ts.ˇ±

    e spent t  t, and cos t ts t Jamie boug t some tossed around ted frenzy, t every least, it seemed t all of ted, and t thanking Jamie over and over.

    By time t tled and all ts mospo calm doidied up by Mr. Jenkins and a , and some of to fall asleep beneatree. Some of to ts, and ts on t tree lig an et;Silent Nig; played softly on a p  up in till sitting on t to Jamie, alk, not t eit ts on tree, and I rutold, I didnt kno sender look about -no,I kne it  Cmas Eve Id ever spent.

    I glanced at s gloy as anyone Id ever seen.

    quot;I boug; I finally said to ;A gift, I mean.quot; I spoke softly so I  tle girl, and I  would he nervousness in my voice.

    Surned from tree to face me, smiling softly. quot;You didnt o do t.quot; S oo, and it sounded almost musical.

    quot;I kno; I said. quot;But I ed to.quot; Id kept t off to one side, and I reac, -o her.

    quot;Could you open it for me? My  no; S ttle girl, to me.

    quot;You dont o open it no,quot; I said, s;its really not t big of a deal.ˇ±

    quot;Dont be silly,quot; s;I  in front of you.ˇ±

    to clear my mind, I looked at t and started opening it, picking at tape so t it  make mucil I reacer setting to ted t ter,  up to s  I figured she could use a new one.

    Compared  expect mucion.

    quot;See, ts all. I told you it  muc; I said. I  disappointed in it.

    quot;Its beautiful, Landon,quot; sly. quot;Ill  t time I see you. thank you.ˇ±

    e sat quietly for a moment, and once again I began to look at ts.

    quot;I brougoo,quot; Jamie finally ree, and my eyes folloill beneatree, partially and, and I reac. It angular, flexible, and a little  it to my lap and  t even trying to open it.

    quot;Open it,quot; s at me.

    quot;You cant give to me,quot; I said breat  believe remble.

    quot;Please,quot; so me  voice Id ever ;open it. I  you to .ˇ±

    Reluctantly I slo  gently, afraid to damage it. I stared at it, mesmerized, and sloed  .

    I glanced at  knoo say.

    Jamie had given me her Bible.

    quot;t you did,quot; so me. quot;It  Cmas Ive ever had.ˇ±

    I turned a responding and reaco t my glass of punc;Silent Nig; ill playing, and took a sip of trying to soot. As I drank, all times Id spent o my mind. I t about t s nig about t about times Id he orphans.

    As t still. I looked at Jamie, to t to keep my composure, to Jamie again. S me and I smiled at h a girl like Jamie Sullivan.

 Chapter 10

    I drove Jamie er t nig first I  sure o be , I didnt knoly  me. Granted, s  Id ever received, and even t and read it like s ype of person o a stranger s reet, if  exactly sure o make of it.

    Jamie old me once t s a dim, and I guess I finally came to t s. S . . .

    but s ting on t a miracle, I guess salking specifically about me.

    , I remembered, came into talking about it, but  o say. Old   been ely, at least as far as I could tell. Oill on till talked about tors, but lately er t in trange look would come over hing sad.

    I didnt knoo make of it, being t I really didnt know  well.

    And Jamie,  o describe someone else entirely.

    I could no more imagine  he sky.

    So anyed tood up ears in  didnt even seem to realize I old

    to tco continue ly been t spiritual kid in tion, but I still found  of odd.

    As I  , I glanced at Jamie sitting beside me. S t far a time. I smiled. Maybe s me. My arted scooting across t closer to  before I reac, Jamie broke the silence.

    quot;Landon,quot; surned to;do you ever t God?ˇ±

    I pulled my hand back.

    No God, I usually pictured ings Id seen in c e robe, ing -but I knealking about t. Salking about t took a moment for me to answer.

    quot;Sure,quot; I said. quot;Sometimes, I reckon.ˇ±

    quot;Do you ever urn out they do?ˇ±

    I nodded uncertainly.

    quot;Ive been t it a lot lately.ˇ±

    Even more ted to ask, but I didnt. I could tell so say, and I stayed quiet.

    quot;I kno sometimes, I just dont understand  ever o you?ˇ±

    S  about all time.

    quot;ell,quot; I said, trying to bluff, quot;I dont t  to understand it all time. I t sometimes  o h.ˇ±

    It ty good ans. I guess t my feelings for Jamie tle faster tell s my answer.

    quot;Yes,quot; s;youre right.ˇ±

    I smiled to myself and c, since talking about God  t of t made a person feel romantic.

    quot;You kno; I said casually, quot;it sure onigting by tree earlier.ˇ±

    quot;Yes, it ; sill elsewhere.

    quot;And you sure looked nice, too.ˇ±

    quot;thank you.ˇ±

    t oo well.

    quot;Can I ask you a question?quot; I finally said, in to me.

    quot;Sure,quot; she said.

    I took a deep breath.

    quot;After comorroer youve spent some time ; I paused and looked at ;ould you mind coming over to my mas dinner?ˇ±

    Even till turned to outlines of a smile as soon as Id said it.

    quot;Yes, Landon, I  very much.ˇ±

    I sig believing Id actually asked ill s mas lig City Square. A couple of minutes later ook o complete t evening, s pull it away.

    of s in till on and I could see  beains. I supposed ing up because ed to  at t, or ed to make sure I didnt kiss er on tep. I kne of thing.

    I  t-o do  of tarted to and content at time, and I t Id asked o come over t day. Since s enougo figure out  maybe s enougo figure out tuation as  time Id actually asked o join me of my oion.

    Just as  to eps, I sa from beains and pull s, like Angelas, for instance, t meant t anote or so before t gave you botime to sort of bat your eyes at eaco actually kiss. It usually took about t long.

    No kno, I actually doubted t s ty,  onig  to miss tunity if it came up. I could feel ttle butterflies already starting to form in my stomac opened the door.

    quot;I ; ly.  sallo ired.

    quot;; I said dejectedly.

    quot;; Jamie said er. quot;I wisonig was wonderful.ˇ±

    quot;Im so glad for you.quot; o gat.

    quot;Ill give you a bit to say good nighe door open for you.ˇ±

    urned around and  back into t doo be reading, t see w was in his hands.

    quot;I ime tonig; Jamie said.

    quot;So did I,quot; I answered, feeling s eyes on me. I wondered if he car ride home.

    quot; time somorro; she asked.

    s eyebro a little.

    quot;Ill come over to get you. Is five oclock okay?ˇ±

    S;Daddy, ed s tomorrow?ˇ±

    brougo arted rubbing them. he sighed.

    quot;If its important to you, you can,quot; he said.

    Not t stirring vote of confidence Id ever  it was good enough for me.

    quot; s; s radition to al question.

    quot;You dont need to bring anyt; I ans;Ill pick you up at a quarter to five.ˇ±

    e stood t  saying anytell  tle impatient.  turned a page of tanding there.

    quot;Ill see you tomorro; she said finally.

    quot;Okay,quot; I said.

    S  for a moment, t me. quot;t; she said.

    it, surned around and  smile playing gently across  as it  to close.

    t day I picked  on sco see t er Id given  like shed promised.

    Bottle surprised  a big deal-whenever my dad was around, my mom would have helen, our cook, make enough food for a small army.

    I guess I didnt mention t earlier, about t only because my family could afford t also because my mom  test  at making sandimes ain  ake  least to get over it. it ing burned masatoes and crunceak. My fath us since before I was born.

    t, it  a palace or anyt e living quarters or anyt. My fat ts orical value. t  teresting to someone like me, it, ution. Spaigside of Ney miles up t

    it still afforded my fats in t ted to leave. In a  made me sad, because no matter w op old Ric.

    orical events like signing titution come along only once every feer , debating farm subsidies for tobacco farmers or talking about t;Red influencequot; o cut it.

    Even someone like me kne.

    tional oric Register -still is, I suppose-and till kind of ac, had scored before I did.

    e   stuffy or anyt. My parents and Jamie carried on t marvelous conversation-tried to inject my o really go over too  least as far as my parents  as a good sign.

    After dinner I invited Jamie to  er and noter putting on our coats, epped outside into ter air. I could see our breat in little puffs.

    quot;Your parents are ; so me. I guess s taken s sermons to .

    quot;t; I responded, quot;in t.quot; I said t only because it rue, but also because it  kids said about Jamie. I  t.

    Sopped to look at ticks, and I didnt see  hem.

    quot;Is it true about your grandfat; s;tories t people tell?ˇ±

    I guess s get my .

    quot;Yes,quot; I said, trying not to sment.

    quot;ts sad,quot; s;to life than money.ˇ±

    quot;I know.ˇ±

    S me. quot;Do you?ˇ±

    I didnt meet  ask me why.

    quot;I kno her did was wrong.ˇ±

    quot;But you dont  to give it back, do you?ˇ±

    quot;Ive never really t about it, to tell you truth.ˇ±

    quot;ould you, though?ˇ±

    I didnt ans ticks again, and I suddenly realized t sed me to say yes. Its  it.

    quot;?quot; I blurted out before I could stop myself, blood ruso my c;Making me feel guilty, I mean. I  t. I just o be born into this family.ˇ±

    S and touc;t doesnt mean you cant undo it,quot; sly, quot;unity.ˇ±

    o me, and deep do t decision, if it ever came, o my ant t back to somete to better.

    quot;Does your fat; I asked. I ed to knoo see her again.

    It took a moment for o answer.

    quot;My fat; s; me.ˇ±

    quot;Dont all parents?quot; I asked.

    S , to turning back to me.

    quot;I t s different from most. But my fat it makes me o see you. ts o your onight.ˇ±

    quot;Im glad ; I said, meaning it.

    quot;So am I.ˇ±

    e looked at eac of a  moon, and I almost kissed  t surned a too soon and said somet sort of threw me.

    quot;My fat you, too, Landon.quot; t-it  and sad at time-let me kno it  simply because  I  I used to rees and call  I er family.

    quot;; I asked.

    quot;For t I do,quot; s elaborate any furt t s s tell me, somet made  it  until later t I learned .

    Being in love  a doubt trangest t only  about before toget t in t like being  time I ill  kissed Jamie. I  even aken o Cecils Diner or even to a movie. I  done any of t I normally did  somehow Id fallen in love.

    till didnt kno me.

    Oions, and I  missed t t me ely somet  exactly sure of o take t step.

    aken er Cmas dinner, Id asked if it ime to time, and s s exactly , too-quot;t ; I didnt take tendency to talk like an adult, and I ts h older people so well.

    to  ticed  s car  in t to ask her if I could come in.

    quot;; s o see me.

    Again ook tive sign.

    quot;; I said casually.

    Sioned to t;My fat   on the porch if youd like. . . .ˇ±

    Dont even ask me  ill cant explain it. One second I anding t of ing to o t second I . Instead of moving toook a step closer to ook it in mine and looked rig  a little closer. S exactly step back, but  a little, and for a tiny, flickering moment I t Id done ted going any furt of tilting my o t t silting oo, and t our faces ogether.

    It  t long, and it certainly  t it s o t is t ouc forever.

 Chapter 11

    quot;Youre t boy Ive ever kissed,quot; so me.

    It anding at teamer Pier in Pine Knoll So get to cross t spans tracoastal atertle he island.

    No expensive beac property in tire state, but back t led against time National Forest.

    quot;I figured I mig; I said.

    quot;; sly. quot;Did I do it ; S look like soo upset if Id said yes, but it  ruth.

    quot;Youre a great kisser,quot; I said, giving her hand a squeeze.

    Surned toting t far-off look again. S a lot lately. I let it go on for a  to me.

    quot;Are you okay, Jamie?quot; I finally asked.

    Instead of answering, s.

    quot;; she asked me.

    I ran my ;You mean before now?ˇ±

    I said it like James Dean o say it if a girl ever asked me t question. Eric ty slick h girls.

    quot;Im serious, Landon,quot; sossing me a sidelong glance.

    I guess Jamie oo. ito realize, I alo be going from o loo ime t takes to s a mosquito. I  quite sure if I liked t part of our relations, to be , it kept me on my toes. I ill feeling off balance as I t about ion.

    quot;Actually, I ; I said finally.

    ill fixed on t I alking about Angela, but looking back, Id realized t  for Angela otally different from  now.

    quot; ; she asked me.

    I cly moving  it ime to pretend I  I actually .

    quot;ell,quot; I said seriously, quot;you knos love o do is spend time  of kno the same way.ˇ±

    Jamie t about my ansly.

    quot;I see,quot; sly. I ed for o add somet s, and I came to anotion.

    Jamie may not  experienced  to tell you truth, she was playing me like a harp.

    During t tance, she wore her hair in a bun again.

    On Neook Jamie out to dinner. It  real date s to a small erfront restaurant in Morey, a place called Flauvins. Flauvins aurant ableclot pieces of silverting. ters lers, and   completely lined tc reflecting off ter.

    t and a singer, too, not every nig on  to make reservations, and t time I called t I  t didnt  to make  my grandfatill alive and all.

    It ually my moms idea to take Jamie out someplace special. A couple of days before, on one of talked to my mom about through.

    quot;S, Mom,quot; I confessed. quot;I mean, I kno know if s I do.ˇ±

    quot;Does s muco you?quot; she asked.

    quot;Yes,quot; I said quietly.

    quot;ell, w ried so far?ˇ±

    quot; do you mean?ˇ±

    My mom smiled. quot;I mean t young girls, even Jamie, like to be made to feel special.ˇ±

    I t about t for a moment, a little confused. asnt t rying to do?

    quot;ell, Ive been going to o visit,quot; I said.

    My mom put  a great imes stuck it to me, like I said earlier, s lady.

    quot;Going to o do, but its not t romantic t   her.ˇ±

    My mom suggested buying some perfume, and t Jamie , it didnt sound rigo me. For one t didnt alloion being tmas play-I old my mom as muc aking  to dinner.

    quot;I dont ,quot; I said to edly. t too quickly. quot;It builds responsibility,quot; my fat once.

    quot; o your money in the bank?ˇ±

    I sig in silence isfaction crossed oo, knew I was finally growing up.

    quot;Let me  t,quot; sly. quot;You just find out if so go and if Reverend Sullivan . If so make it happen. I promise.ˇ±

    t to t   because I figured sed to be t o do  t   exactly been ed.  it- tains, t I  seen  ake a long time for o anso come from tchen.

    me for a long moment, then sigh deeply and shake his head before finally saying hello.

    ially open, and I saing beacles propped on  financial-and I figured rying to figure out t for ters o pay.

    I knocked at terest, as if ed anotion, t it was me.

    quot;; I said politely. quot;Do you ?ˇ±

    ired t feeling well.

    quot;; he said wearily.

    Id dressed s and tie. quot;May I come in?ˇ±

    ly, and I entered tioned for me to sit in the chair across from his desk.

    quot; can I do for you?quot; he asked.

    I adjusted myself nervously in t;ell, sir, I ed to ask you something.ˇ±

    ared at me, studying me before ;Does it o do ; he asked.

    I took a deep breath.

    quot;Yes, sir. I ed to ask if it would be all rigook o dinner on New Years Eve.ˇ±

    ;Is t all?quot; he said.

    quot;Yes, sir,quot; I said. quot;Ill bring ime youd need me to.ˇ±

    ook off acles and ting tell aking a moment to t it.

    quot;ill your parents be joining you?quot; he asked.

    quot;No, sir.ˇ±

    quot;t t  t.quot;  t clear it ime for me to leave. I stood from my carted to to go, I faced him again.

    quot;Reverend Sullivan?ˇ±

    ill t;Im sorry for to do  alreat Jamie treated. But from no.ˇ±

    o look rig  enough.

    quot;I love ; I said finally, and ention focused on me again.

    quot;I kno; ;but I dont  to see .quot; Even t , I t I saer.

    quot;I  do t to ; I said.

    urned from me and looked out tcer sun tried to force its  ter.

    quot;en,quot; he wrong decision.

    I smiled and ed to t. I could tell t ed to be alone.  to see his face in his hands.

    I asked Jamie an er. t t s t I told  Id already spoken to   on er t. t tell  it looked almost as t  t only didnt I understand it completely, I didnt  o  niger talking to my mom again, sion, and to be , it made perfect sense to me.  must o tion t er  o me. In a rue.

    I picked  on sc asked o ly erfront to taurant.  to tess stand, to our table. It ter ones in the place.

    It ime eenagers in t too out of place, though.

    Jamie o Flauvins before, and it took  a fees to take it all in. S a my mom  suggestion.

    quot;t; so me. quot;thank you for asking me.ˇ±

    quot;My pleasure,quot; I said sincerely.

    quot;have you been here before?ˇ±

    quot;A feimes. My moto come imes won.ˇ±

    S tared at a boat t aurant, its lig s in ;Its beautiful ; she said.

    quot;So are you,quot; I answered.

    Jamie blus;You dont mean t.ˇ±

    quot;Yes,quot; I said quietly, quot;I do.ˇ±

    e ed for dinner, and Jamie and I talked about some of t  fealked about tted t place. S about it-s of laug off c s out on her own.

    quot;ould you  to take me again?quot; seased.

    quot;Absolutely.ˇ±

    Dinner er finally removed our plates, tarted up. e  before I o take her home, and I offered her my hand.

    At first c eac reminded too. I could see tfully at us. ts  and kno time t it .

    I  could be.

    After Ne t  young couples did back time to time sired and listless. e spent time doossing stones in ter, calked, or  to t Macon.

    Even t er, t  boter an o take imes, it seemed, s nod off before  imes sream of cter all t I could barely get a word in edgewise.

    Of course, spending time  doing t go to udy class-I didnt  to look like an idiot in front of  t t more at o leave early, because s fever. Even to my untrained eyes, it  her face was flushed.

    e kissed again, too, t every time oget even trying to make it to second base. t any need to. tle and rig  Jamie ood ire life, not only by me, but by everyone.

    Jamie  simply ters daug to een-year-old girl s t I  least, ts il sold me.

    Ill never forget t day because of  s sometant was on her mind.

    I ed up again, a day blustery ing er o stand close to eaco stay ed to go  Id asked  ime, I remember t t us. te  no one else  Cecils Diner. As al communities, t on terfront in ter.

    S as  so tell me somet expect o start tion as she did.

    quot;People trange, dont t; she silence.

    quot;; I asked, even the answer.

    quot;People at school.ˇ±

    quot;No, t,quot; I lied.

    I kissed tle tigo me. Sell t Id  her somehow.

    quot;Are you okay?quot; I asked, concerned.

    quot;Im fine,quot; s on track.

    quot;ill you do me a favor, though?ˇ±

    quot;Anyt; I said.

    quot;ill you promise to tell me truth from now on? I mean always?ˇ±

    quot;Sure,quot; I said.

    Sopped me suddenly and looked rig me. quot;Are you lying to me right now?ˇ±

    quot;No,quot; I said defensively,  from noell you truth.ˇ±

    Some, I kne Id come to regret it.

    e started reet, I glanced at  belo it mig t I  even touchere.

    quot;People trange, dont t; she asked again.

    My breat in little puffs.

    quot;Yes,quot; I finally ans  me to say it.

    quot;; S despondent.

    I t about it. quot;People  reasons,quot; I said vaguely, doing my best not to go any further.

    quot;But  because of my fat because I try to be nice to people?ˇ±

    I didnt  anyto do his.

    quot;I suppose,quot;  a little queasy.

    Jamie seemed disened, and tle farther in silence.

    quot;Do you trange, too?quot; she asked me.

    t made me ac it  at opped o me. I kissed , s the ground.

    I put my finger beneating  me again. quot;Youre a iful, youre kind, youre gentle . . . youre everyt Id like to be. If people dont like you, or trange, ts their problem.ˇ±

    In ter day, I could see o tremble. Mine  my   I couldnt keep the words inside any longer.

    quot;I love you, Jamie,quot; I said to ;Youre t t ever o me.ˇ±

    It  time Id ever said to anote family.  to someone else, Id some it  . Id never been more sure of anything.

    As soon as I said tarted to cry, leaning o mine. I ime t my arms  all t o my c for ime. I  sure o t t regret trutrut promised  I would never lie again.

    quot;Please dont say t,quot; so me. quot;Please . . .ˇ±

    quot;But I do,quot; I said, t believe me.

    So cry even ;Im sorry,quot; so me t;Im so, so sorry. . . .ˇ±

    My t suddenly  dry.

    quot;; I asked, suddenly desperate to understand ;Is it because of my friends and  care anymore-I really dont.quot; I was reaching, confused and, yes-scared.

    It took anot for o stop crying, and in time s me. Sly, almost like ty street, then ran her finger over my cheek.

    quot;You cant be in love ; shrough red and swollen eyes.

    quot;e can be friends,  love me.ˇ±

    quot;?quot; I sed  understanding any of this.

    quot;Because,quot; sly, quot;Im very sick, Landon.ˇ±

    t ely foreign t I couldnt compre srying to say.

    quot;So ake a few days . . .ˇ±

    A sad smile crossed  t srying to tell me.  mine as s numbed my soul.

    quot;Im dying, Landon.ˇ±

 Chapter 12

    S since last summer.

    t sold me, ttered t  brief moment, time opped and I understood everyt ood o do tood  first nig o ears in ood ime and  I kept coming by tely clear.

    ed Cmas at to be so special . . .

    to college . . .

    hy shed given me her Bible . . .

    It all made perfect sense, and at time, noto make any sense at all.

    Jamie Sullivan had leukemia . . .

    Jamie, s Jamie, was dying . . .

    My Jamie. . .

    quot;No, no,quot; I o be some mistake. . . .ˇ±

    But t, and  blank. My arted to spin, and I clung to igo keep from losing my balance. On treet I saos to keep trotted across topped to smell some busanding on a stepladder, taking doing to go away.

    quot;Im so sorry, Landon,quot; s saying over and over. It  my confusion kept me from saying anything.

    Deep do  go ao do, tears filling my eyes, trying and failing to be think she needed.

    e cried togetreet for a long time, just a little  opened tely t t . e cried er t afternoon, and my moto  boted to call tor because t someto my fat made t to ion, o be o  before hed even finished.

    Everyone in tion stared in silent disbelief at t ing for a punco some  none of told. t once, the wailing began.

    e sat  told me, and Jamie patiently ansions. S kno anytors could do. It  didnt respond to available treatment. Yes, ed, s fine. It  until t fe sarted to feel its effects.

    quot;ts  progresses,quot; s;You feel fine, and t keep fig.ˇ±

    Stifling my tears, I couldnt  t the play.

    quot;But all t have-ˇ±

    quot;Maybe,quot; sting me off. quot;Doing t kept me hy for so long.ˇ±

    Later, sold me t seven montors had given her a year, maybe less.

    t mig. treated her.

    t ty years ago, and I kne meant.

    Only a miracle could save her.

    quot; you tell me?ˇ±

    tion I  asked  Id been t. I  slept t nigill so sadness to anger and back again, all nig  so and praying t terrible nightmare.

    e o tion. It was January 10, 1959.

    Jamie didnt look as depressed as I t s t o knorusted even me. I  and frig time.

    quot;Id made a decision,quot; so me, quot;t it ter if I told no one, and I asked my fato do ter today. No one  to live, is t ?ˇ±

    I kne it didnt make it any easier. I  time in my life, completely and utterly at a loss.

    Id never o me die before, at least not anyone t I could remember. My grandmot remember a single t   feer ories, of course, from bot to me ts exactly  ories I mig some ake me  flo only for t behind.

    No one in my family or my circle of friends o confront someteen, a cill very muc time. I  only for  for me as  o ever get angry in  okay to talk about ture anymore? My fear made talking to , tient h me.

    My fear,  made it all ed to spend time een days. teen days seemed like my entire life, but now, w here would be.

    On Monday s s s lunco  class. Sh school forever; she would never receive her diploma.

    I couldnt concentrate on anyt in class t first day back, listening as teacer teacold us  of us had already heard.

    to told stories about  can o me for answers.

    quot;I dont kno; was all I could say.

    I left sc to Jamies, bloer lunch.

    t t, it seemed, a care in the world.

    quot;; s;this is a surprise.ˇ±

    o kiss me, I kissed  to cry.

    quot;My fat  no if youd like to sit on the porch, we can.ˇ±

    quot;; I asked suddenly. quot;end t nothing is wrong?ˇ±

    quot;Im not pretending t not me get my coat and  outside and talk, okay?ˇ±

    S me, ing for an ansoget and patted my arm.

    quot;Ill be rig; she said.

    I o t do later. S, gloves, and a  to keep er  nearly as cold as it ill, t oo much for her.

    quot;You  in scoday,quot; I said.

    S;I know.ˇ±

    quot;Are you ever going to come back?quot; Even to  from her.

    quot;No,quot; sly, quot;Im not.ˇ±

    quot; sick already?quot; I started to tear up, and s and took my hand.

    quot;No. today I feel pretty good, actually. Its just t I  to be o go to t to spend as mucime h him as I can.ˇ±

    Before I die,s to say but didnt. I felt nauseated and couldnt respond.

    quot;ors first told us,quot; s on, quot;t I sry to lead as normal a life as possible for as long as I could. t h up.ˇ±

    quot;t t; I said bitterly.

    quot;I know.ˇ±

    quot;Arent you frightened?ˇ±

    Someed o sayno, to say someto explain to me t  presume to understand the Lords plan.

    S;Yes,quot; s;Im frigime.ˇ±

    quot;t you act like it?ˇ±

    quot;I do. I just do it in private.ˇ±

    quot;Because you dont trust me?ˇ±

    quot;No,quot; s;because I know youre frigoo.ˇ±

    I began to pray for a miracle.

    time, and Id read about them in newspapers.

    People regaining use of ter being told terrible accident raveling preacent  up outside of Beaufort, and people o co a couple, and t most of t even I couldnt explain. Old man So berenc   an act- imes o sneak off . But tarted praying feveris loud, making people practically jump out of ts. errified look on ouce- poker, but ttering t;I can ; Even  believe it. quot;t; to , quot;can do anytens to our prayers.ˇ±

    So t nig Jamie mas and began to read. Noo be frank, I just remembered ts-tes could leave Egypt, Jonaer or raising Lazarus from too. I kne practically every cer of tacular, but I  learned tians ament, and I didnt kno t books like Jos nig I read ticus , folloeronomy. t a little sloain parts, especially as all t I couldnt put it do  I didnt fully understand.

    It e one nigired by time I eventually reac some I y-tarts, quot;t ,quot; but I ed to read to be more important ter an ion t I assumed Jamie ed because it meant someto  it said:I cry to you, my Lord, my rock! Do not be deaf to me, for if you are silent, I so t like t. ition as I cry to you for oward your holy of holies.

    I closed tears in my eyes, unable to finishe psalm.

    Some for me.

    quot;I dont knoo do,quot; I said numbly, staring into t of my bedroom lamp. My mom and I ting on my bed. It  difficult mont in February t worse.

    quot;I kno; s;but thing you can do.ˇ±

    quot;I dont mean about Jamie being sick-I kno t.

    I mean about Jamie and me.ˇ±

    My mot me sympatically. S Jamie, but s me. I  on.

    quot;Its o talk to   t be able to. So I spend all my time at sc  t o  knoo say.ˇ±

    quot;I dont knoo make ter.ˇ±

    quot;t should I do?ˇ±

    S me sadly and put ;You really love  you,quot; she said.

    quot;it.ˇ±

    S;s your  telling you to do?ˇ±

    quot;I dont know.ˇ±

    quot;Maybe,quot; sly, quot;youre trying too o .ˇ±

    t day I ter  mucold myself t I  say anyt mig  Id try to talk to s exactly  . I sat myself on old  some of my friends and  ball team. I told  I still   t I old o graduation. I spoke as to scire time. Jamie smiled and nodded at te times, asking questions every no I time I finisalking t it  time I . It didnt feel rigo either of us.

    My  elling me exactly thing.

    I turned to t it would guide me.

    quot;; I asked a couple of days later.

    By noake on a sligint, and tarting to shrough her skin.

    Again I saw bruises. e were inside oo muco bear.

    Despite all till looked beautiful.

    quot;Im doing okay,quot; sly. quot;tors  seems to tle.ˇ±

    Id been coming by every day. time seemed to be slo exactly time.

    quot;Can I get anything for you?ˇ±

    quot;No, thank you, Im doing fine.ˇ±

    I looked around t her.

    quot;Ive been reading t; I finally said.

    quot;You ;  up, reminding me of t believe t only six weeks had gone by.

    quot;I ed you to know.ˇ±

    quot;Im glad you told me.ˇ±

    quot;I read t nig; I said, quot; to Job to test h.ˇ±

    S to pat my arm,  on my skin. It felt nice. quot;You ss not about God in one of ter moments.ˇ±

    quot; to him?ˇ±

    quot;I dont kno; she said.

    quot;Do you ever feel like Job?ˇ±

    Stle times.ˇ±

    quot;But you  lost your faith?ˇ±

    quot;No.quot; I kne I think I was losing mine.

    quot;Is it because you t get better?ˇ±

    quot;No,quot; s;its because its t.ˇ±

    After t, arted reading toget some to do, but my  elling me t till mighing more.

    At nig it.

    Reading to focus on, and all of a sudden everytarted to get better bet as  doing someto offend  could be more rig kno, I ted ture, and occasionally he room.

    Otimes Id be sitting beside  tc of t time, and  it. S it.

    Sometimes s I t, and I did my best, too, ts ;Is t  really means to you?quot; s it before trying again. Sometimes, t rate,  hand on my knee and all.

    One Friday nig  my  table and sat in t we could be alone.

    It ting  t been leaving his was a good change for her.

    Since sold me about opped ill as stunning as it  time Id seen  do-my mom s s inside-ook her hand.

    quot;tonig; I said.

    Surned tention back to me. quot;ting me.ˇ±

    I paused. quot;her holding up?ˇ±

    Jamie sig;Not too  .ˇ±

    quot;he loves you dearly, you know.ˇ±

    quot;I know.ˇ±

    quot;So do I,quot; I said, and en her again.

    quot;ill you keep coming over to my ; s;Even later, you know, when . . . ?ˇ±

    I squeezed   enougo let  I meant w I said.

    quot;As long as you  me to come, Ill be there.ˇ±

    quot;e dont o read t  to.ˇ±

    quot;Yes,quot; I said softly, quot;I think we do.ˇ±

    S;Youre a good friend, Landon. I dont kno you.ˇ±

    Surning tting across from me, s.

    quot;I love you, Jamie,quot; I said again, but time s frigead our eyes met across table, and I co surned to me again. I kissed urn.

    quot;I love you, too,quot; she finally whispered.

    to hear.

    I dont knoold  about  I someed it because ine  c all. It o leave ter scinued. I  ten as  explained to Jamie t ;Okay, Daddy,quot; I alo open t me in,  and silently pull out  and , buttoning t up all t t  zippers, t o me, even after  Jamie and Id begun to read together.

    till didnt like me in t to come in. I kne part of to do  t   Jamie to get cting on ternative o  at t I t needed some time alone, too, and t  talk to me about t time ay. I o stay in t was all.

    Jamie ill moving around fairly er reak ble part of January t lasted nine days, folloraigerest in leaving ter   stand on t a couple of minutes to breathe fresh sea air.

    her.

    t least times every day. People  to say  came over, and t alloo let t in talked a little, boto meet her gaze.

    t took tes to finally get to t. Eric o apologize,   imagine able,  felt emotion Id ever heard him express.

    quot;Youve got t  of anyone Ive ever met,quot; o Jamie, ;and even took it for granted and  alo you, I ed to let you kno;  t;Youre t person Ill probably ever know.ˇ±

    As ing back ears and sniffling, Margaret o  o speak. ears from ood sloure of forgiveness. Eric  to o cry openly as sly caressed o ime as Eric sobbed until oo exed to cry anymore.

    t s turn, and sly thing.

    o leave, ts and looked at Jamie one more time, as if to remember  t ted to t tiful, and I kno the same way.

    quot;; Eric said on  t;Ill be praying for you, and so ; toted me on t;You too,quot; chem.

    Later, elling us, ed over $400 dollars for the orphanage.

    I ed for the miracle.

    It  come.

    In early February taking o  tened pain sime ting  ter tors cut back ance to ensified, and sometimes even raising her arm made her grimace.

    Leukemia is a disease of t runs its course t a persons body. terally no escape from it as long as  kept beating.

    But t of . In t  for  ance. t ime s. S back to ting the dizziness in place of pain.

    Still he Bible.

    ed Jamie, I ually o carry ed to continue. to me about it, ly  meant.

    I  of time, and my  ill telling me t thing more I could do.

    On February 14, Valentines Day, Jamie picked out a passage from Corint meant a lot to old me t if s ed read at  it said:Love is alient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfis does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in ot deligrut is alo excuse, to trust, to o endure wever comes.

    Jamie ruest essence of t very description.

    ter, ure sliged s to see.

    Eastern Nortiful and special part of try, blessed emperate  part,  off t, near ty-four miles long and nearly a mile ure, running from east to , line a ness spectacular sunrises and sunsets every day of taking place over ty Atlantic Ocean.

    Jamie eamer Pier as t souted off into tance and told o . I could see our breatwo of o every one of mine.

    I o support Jamie as ood ter tree t umn-but I kne it .

    In time tered moon began its seeming rise from ting a prism of liger, splitting itself into a t parts, eaciful t. At exactly t, ting te direction, turning ts gates and let all its beauty escape its urned golden silver as ting colors reflected off it, ers rippling and sparkling , t like time. tinued to loself, casting its gloinued its slo upurned a t s, before finally becoming tars.

    Jamie cigurning to black and t tant soutook ly kissed bothen, finally, her lips.

    quot;t,quot; I said, quot;is exactly  you.ˇ±

    A er Jamies trips to tal became more regular, alted t s  to stay t. quot;I  to die at ;  do anyt to accept her wishes.

    At least for time being.

    quot;Ive been t t fe; I said to her.

    e ting in to lose its luster. Yet  blue eyes, were as lovely as ever.

    I dont tiful.

    quot;Ive been t too,quot; she said.

    quot;You kne day in Miss Garbers class t I o do t you.  me and smiled?ˇ±

    S;Yes.ˇ±

    quot;And  I  fall in love, but you kne I o, didnt you?ˇ±

    S;Yes.ˇ±

    quot;how did you know?ˇ±

    S ans togets, c ble the windows.

    quot;old you t I prayed for you,quot; so me, quot;alking about?ˇ±

    tinued, speeding up as Marcaking more medicine for pain, and s too sick to omaco keep doo tal to stay, despite her wishes.

    It .

    My faton, ill in session. Apparently my motold  if  come ely,  as ay in ason forever.

    old

    too deep, t it oo late to do anything.

    quot;t about your family, or even about Reverend Sullivan, or anyt ,quot; so o accept ;t our son, tle girl who needs our help.

    And youre going to find a o help her.ˇ±

    I dont knoo  or . All I kno Jamie , cime nurses wor peeked in on imes a day.

    Jamie o stay at home.

    t nig time in my life.

    quot;Do you s?quot; I asked ube in ion s. So be supported by someone else.

    quot;e all s, Landon,quot; s;but Ive led a wonderful life.ˇ±

    quot;?quot; I cried out, unable to ;its o you?ˇ±

    Senderly at me.

    quot;t; sted as s;could be better.ˇ±

    Despite my tears I laugely felt guilty for doing so. I o be supporting  t on.

    quot;But ot, Ive been aug God. I can look back and kno I couldnt ried to ; S my eyes.

    quot;Ive even fallen in love and had someone love me back.ˇ±

    I kissed , t against my cheek.

    quot;Its not fair,quot; I said.

    S answer.

    quot;Are you still afraid?quot; I asked.

    quot;Yes.ˇ±

    quot;Im afraid, too,quot; I said.

    quot;I know. And Im sorry.ˇ±

    quot; can I do?quot; I asked desperately. quot;I dont knoo do anymore.ˇ±

    quot;ill you read to me?ˇ±

    I nodded, t kno t page  breaking down.

    Please, Lord, tell me o do!

    quot;Mom?quot; I said later t night.

    quot;Yes?ˇ±

    e ting on to , I slipped out of  before I did, I kissed ly on t ions in  me, kno I loved er but also kno Id broken one of t he door.

    I couldnt blame  really. I found t spending time o feel  by aug fe actions-not ts or intentions-o judge ot   all t next to my mothe sofa.

    quot;Do you t; I asked.

    It  time Id asked ion, but times.

    quot;Im not sure I understand ; she said, frowning.

    quot;I mean- youre supposed to do?ˇ±

    quot;Are you asking me about spending time h Jamie?ˇ±

    I nodded, till confused. quot;Sort of. I kno t . . . sometime alk and read t . . .ˇ±

    I paused, and my mot for me.

    quot;You think you should be doing more?ˇ±

    I nodded.

    quot;I dont kno t,quot; sly.

    quot;the way I do?ˇ±

    Stle closer on tcogether.

    quot;I ts because youre frigrying, tinue to get ry, things seem.ˇ±

    quot;Is to stop feeling this way?ˇ±

    S ;No,quot; sly, quot;t.ˇ±

    t day Jamie couldnt get out of bed. Because soo o , he Bible in her room.

    Ses.

    Anot by and Jamie greeadily worse, her body weakening.

    Bedridden, s like a little girl again.

    quot;Jamie,quot; I pleaded, quot;w can I do for you?ˇ±

    Jamie, my s Jamie, ime noalked to  move at ths were rapid and weak.

    I sat beside tcime, to my , feeling the boniness of her fingers.

    Part of me ed to cry rig instead I laid urned to face the window.

    o someone like er lesson in  of t me to fall in love  sometion? t, t  to tions hey had been before.

    Outside, t of t  noe afternoon sunlig signs of nature coming back to life. trees outside ing for just t moment to uncoil and open to yet another summer season.

    On tstand by ion of items t Jamie o . tograpanding outside of sc day of kindergarten; tion of cards t c. Sigop of tack.

    ritten in crayon, it said simply:Please get better soon. I miss you.

    It mas Eve. timents, but  the child, Roger, had drawn. hed drawn a bird, soaring above a rainbow.

    C bear to look any furt tack back  to er glass. I reacicle and sa it  ter , I saure t aken of two of us.

    It seemed so long ago. I brougicle nearer to my face. As I stared, I remembered t o pass. I kne. Instead, I sa ime I sig aside the clipping.

    till lay open  to read some more. Eventually I came across anot it said:I am not commanding you, but I  to test ty of your love by comparing it to tness of others.

    t as I  to cry, t suddenly became clear.

    God  I o do.

    I couldnt  to ter, even if Id ook every scut I could, racing tting t t too play, and alticularly good ate, on toppable, propelled by w I o do.

    I didnt care ed   care, eitered to a rying to catco toward his office.

    looked up e me in, o  obsessively. tered across tre traig t about Jamie; t came to cry.

    quot;Reverend?quot; I said softly.

    ans I  in anyway.

    quot;Id like to be alone,quot; he croaked.

    en, as es described in Davids Psalms. o keep up s around Jamie, and tress of doing so was wearing him down.

    I marc up to  me before turning back to the window.

    quot;Please,quot; o me. one ed, as t rengto confront even me.

    quot;Id like to talk to you,quot; I said firmly. quot;I  ask unless it ant.ˇ±

    sig in t in before, ake Jamie out for New Years Eve.

    ened as I told  was on my mind.

    turned to me. I dont kno say no. Instead urned tohe window.

    Even oo so speak.

    Again I ran, again I didnt tire, my purpose giving me trengto go on.  knocking, and t to see w .

    Before she could speak, I did.

    quot;Is s; I asked, euperrified at time.

    quot;Yes,quot; tiously. quot;hen she woke up, she wondered where you were.ˇ±

    I apologized for my dis mind leaving us alone. I o Jamies room, partially closing t  me knoing.

    quot;; s, quot;thank you for coming back.ˇ±

    I pulled up a c next to aking igomac  to cry.

    quot;I ; I said.

    quot;I kno cant seem to  anymore.ˇ±

    quot;Its okay, really.ˇ±

    Sed ly off t, then leaned forward and kissed her cheek as well.

    quot;Do you love me?quot; I asked her.

    S;Yes.ˇ±

    quot;Do you  me to be ; As I asked  my  beginning to race.

    quot;Of course I do.ˇ±

    quot;ill you do somethen?ˇ±

    Sures. quot;I dont kno; she said.

    quot;But if you could, would you?ˇ±

    I cannot adequately describe tensity of  t moment.

    Love, anger, sadness, oget me curiously, and my breat Id never felt as strongly for anot t moment. As I returned ion made me  I could make all t been possible, I o tell s, but tions inside me.

    quot;Yes,quot; s someill full of promise. quot;I would.ˇ±

    Finally getting control of myself, I kissed  my o ly running my fingers over  tness of leness I saw in .

    My t began to tig as I said, I kne t it  o cure  I ed to do was give  sed.

    It o do all along.

    Jamie, I understood t o find. Sold me t outside Mr. Jenkinss office, t he play.

    I smiled softly, and surned my affection  squeeze of my rusting me in  to do. Encouraged, I leaned closer and took a deep breat floh.

    quot;ill you marry me?ˇ±

 Chapter 13

    een, my life changed forever.

    As I reets of Beaufort forty years later, t year of my life, I remember everyt ill unfolding before my very eyes.

    I remember Jamie saying yes to my breation and o cry togetalking to bot and my parents, explaining to t I needed to do. t I  only for Jamie, and all tried to talk me out of it, especially  understand, and I o make clear to t I needed to do it for me.

    I  I didnt care if s care t  ogettered to me. All I cared about  my  old me  to do. In my mind it  time God ly to me, and I kneainty t I  going to disobey.

    I kno some of you may  out of pity. Some of t because s committing muco botions is no. I er  at t I asked ill kno today.

    Jamie  t year Jamie oday. iteady ant it o ience and kindness s life is really all about. imism, even in times of sickness,  amazing tnessed.

    e ist canding beside me as t man. t s a tradition to  for me its a tradition t  o my life. Jamie  my fatogeto er  on, and as tionseadily stronger until h.

    Jamie also taugransforming po it offers. I realized t Eric and Margaret o her house.

    Jamie aught.

    Jamie  only tom ton, she angel who saved us all.

    Just as sed, ting  ed outside t notice, t time to make many arrangements, and people came out of to make to support us. I sa, Eddie, Sally, Carey, Angela, and even Lerance music began. Alt moved from  ;Its very important to me, Landon,quot; s;Its part of my dream, remember?quot; t

    h.

    I kne e dress t ice, t ion.

    quot;Im proud of you, son.ˇ±

    I nodded. quot;Im proud of you, too, Dad.ˇ±

    It  time Id ever said to him.

    My mom  roed in rengt, Jamie stood sed  slo silently in ire, and topped  t no more ten or t it seemed mucly. it, Jamie and  started moving again, and I felt my  surge h pride.

    It  difficult walk anyone ever o make.

    In every o remember.

    t as Jamie and oo clap. to position, and Jamie sat do. ito my knees so t I he same.

    , after kissing Jamie on trieved o begin to o sometant, oell t  anticipated our being so muc ood before us, almost confused, to kneel as her.

    began traditional  Jamie ed out to me. Kno a once more  surprised me.

    Jamie and me, t to tion, to us again, as if searc words.

    , and  everyone could . t ;As a fato give a sure t Im able to do this.ˇ±

    tion  silent, and  nodded at me, o be patient. Jamie squeezed my .

    quot;I can no more give Jamie a. But o let anot sh.ˇ±

    It   aside t, offering o mine, and I took it, completing the circle.

    it , and Jamie gave me one as  cly as my moto cry, t of God and everyone else, Id promised my love and devotion, in sickness and in  so good about anything.

    It   of my life.

    It is noy years later, and I can still remember everyt day.

    I may be older and  ually comes, t day  float till love  to do so.

    I breataking in t self . Its still teenty-seven once more. But tly, looking toill  told you: I no miracles can happen.