¡¶A Long Way Down¡·


 Preface

    Ne toppers  popular suicide spot. And four strangers are about to discover t doing a quite te act ted.

    Perma-tanned Martin S tV presenter  career - and ed it ao an unlivable life.

    Maureen o do it tonigty being in to do any of talk - and  cope any more.

    break, loneliness, adolescent angst, seven Bacardi Breezers and to jump, to fly off the roof.

    Finally, tall, cool, American, looks like a rock-star -wh a heap of problems, and pizza.

    Four strangers,  to end it all t o talk¡­ only to find t t suspected.

    Funny, sad and deeply moving, Nick  asks some of tions: about life and deatrangers and friends of the soul.

 Part 1-1

    MARtIN

    Can I explain o jump off top of a too jump off top of a to a bloody idiot. I can explain it because it  inexplicable: it  of proper t. It  even a very serious t, eit mean it  t it  terribly complicated, or agonized. Put it t knoant bank manager, in Guildford. And youd been ting, and ts a pretty straigill o t,  you? Youd at least o   of paper and dra of pros and cons. You knos, friends, golf club.

    PROS - more money, better quality of life (c.), sea, suns-isc.

    Its no contest, is it? ts give you pause for t, but ts all it is - a pause, and a brief one, too. Youd be on to travel agents en minutes.

    ell, t  enougs, and lots and   lots of reasons to jump. t  I couldnt imagine Cindy letting me see t got any aged parents, and I dont play golf. Suicide  o tended.

    I told o a Ney. I told ober.

    I dont knoations to Neies in October or not. Probably not. ( been to one since . June and Brian across t before they moved.

    And even ter o sleep.) But I couldnt  any longer. Id been t it since May or June, and I co tell upid, really.  understand, Im sure . tell me to keep talking to  you can see t not a to be itc any just goes to s I o look foro, doesnt it?

    t I told ed to go straigo confession. ell, Id lied,  I? Id lied to my oiny, silly lie: Id told  I o a party, a party Id made up.

    Id made it up properly, too. I told y it o go, and y, Bridgid from ted because er ters. And I ed to go because Bridgids sister aken o Lourdes, and I ed to find out all about it, o taking Matty one day.) But confession  possible, because I kne to an end. Not only to Matty, but to t t anyone else, really. Maybe someone at ts almost comical, . If you spend day and niger a sick ctle room for sin, and I  done anyt from t, to sinning so terribly t I couldnt even talk to t, because I o go on sinning and sinning until t t sin of all. (And  sin of all? All your life youre told t youll be going to to get you t quicker is somet stops you getting t all. O its a kind of queue-jumping. But if someone jumps t t Office, people tut. Or sometimes t. t say, You y. t  strong.) It didnt stop me from going to t I only kept going because   people opped.

    As  closer and closer to te, I kept passing on little tidbits of information t I told ended as t not everyone likes  knoty o understand anyt tic,  about a little get-togetime I saed to kno I never asked. If so y, sve felt t so invite me.

    Im as about to lying now.

    No, Im asic it all elling Matty about  it   alking about it,  actually saying anyto believe in ty a little bit myself, in t you come to believe tory in a book. Every noime Id leave. axi. t sort of t ually been. Even in my imagination, t see myself talking to anyone at ty. I e o leave it.

    I  a party doairs in t. It y, full of all t crusties sitting on tening to  reggae. At midnigically, and a couple of ot  - o you too. You could urned up to t party as t person in London, and youd still ed up to jump off t t t person in London anyway. Obviously.

    I only  because someone at college told me C . I tried ime, but it  on.

    split up, alker, but ts like an emotive alker, isnt it? I dont t stalking  pters and emails and knocking on turned up at imes, if you count mas party, ake me to t anyway.

    Stalking is ,   isnt it? ell, I never  near any s t alking ion is like being o just a fiver, eit to you o knock on e at nigo be in. People get serious about t sort of money. t collectors, and break peoples legs, but I never  t far. I sraint.

    So even traig  at ty, I stayed for a  o go on Ne from some s party in some s squat . I seem to manage it every year. I make friends easily enoug t muc sure wies disappear.

    I pissed Jen off, Im sure of t. She disappeared, like everyone else.

    MARtIN  Id spent ts on ternet, just out of curiosity. And nearly every single time, took urbed. And tory about tard:  friend,  er  some months before¡­ hello, Mr Coroner?

    Anyone at  turbed mental balance  it just rigil you cant take any more, and ts off to t multi-storey car park in tcubing.

    Surely ts fair enoug sook er sober and careful contemplation of t had become?

    Not once did I read a ne rolley. You knoer United for Miss Sor in ts to  novel  been bougeven Spielberg. ables by a member of aff. No like t, but if talented people took to t t saying t being engaged to Miss Sed and es you against depression - Im sure it doesnt. Im just saying t t tatistics. Youre more likely to top yourself if youve just gone titute. Or if youve foug somebody¡­ ts and lots of factors t pusors are likely to make you feel anyt fucking miserable.

    tin S ting on a tiny concrete ledge in t, looking a  do a concrete ered into tiny pieces. But tin S person. I still ill  slept een-year-old. I  been to prison. I  o talk to my young daug a front-page tabloid neicle, an article rated ure of me lying on t outside a ! per is fair to say, less reason for ledge-sitting before all t  tell me t turbed, because it really didnt feel t  mean, any stuff about t strictly scientific? Does t of fiso ing to kill myself e and reasonable response to a e events t  t ts rouble ry, isnt it? No ones o face ties. Its al. Boo-o be one of t  on o do een-year-old. I o believe t I -fed or not, and it ime to face up to w Id done.

    And erally. ell, OK, not literally literally. I , you knourned my life into urine and stored it in my bladder and so on and so fort I felt as if Id pissed my life a you can piss money a. No, you see, ts not rig as you kno at all. Id spent it. Id spent my kids and my job and my eenage girls and nig a price, and Id , and   suddenly my life  t  as to a dim form of consciousness and a semi-functioning digestive system - all tions of a life, certainly, but none of tent. I didnt even feel sad, particularly. I just felt very stupid, and very angry.

    Im not sitting ting  nigurned into as muc even jump off a fucking to fucking it up.

    On Ne to pay extra for t, but I didnt mind. ty o cost t more ting me. I  of his life.

    I t about tys stuff, in case t it  no one o kno  t cry o fetc eleven t morning. I just kissed op of old o be good at t all in until Id seen t and , for about an  ill my son, and I o see  even say goodbye properly. I celevision for a .

    I ed at top for ten minutes, but to walk.

    Kno you  to die makes you less scared. I   e at nigreets are full of drunks, but  matter no being attacked but not murdered - left for dead  actually dying. Because taken to al, and t  Matty, and all te e of time, and Id come out of al oo find t? But no one attacked me. A couple of people   all. t so muco be afraid of out t ime to find t out, on t nig t of it being afraid of   everything.

    Id never been to toppers  been past it on t even kno you could get on to t t airs until I couldnt  kno occur to me t you couldnt just jump off , but t I sa I realized t t let you do t. t top¡­ s  tall, and Im not very strong, and Im not as young as I  see o get over top of it all, and it o be t nigty being in tarted to go tions, but none of t  to do it in my o room, o be found by a stranger. And I didnt  to jump in front of a train, because Id seen a programme on television about t t  drive off to a quiet spot and breat fumes¡­ And tin, rigc a little stepladder, and some ters, and o climb over top like t. And  sitting on t, looking doaking nips out of a little ed. And ed and ed until in t  any more. I kno  I needed it. It  going to be muco him.

    I never tried to pus beefy enougo pus ried any  ; it o . I just  up to  my apped ed to ask o be long.

    Before I got to t, I never ention of going on to tly. Id forgotten about toppers il I started speaking to t really saying muc ty and up. old me  , Does t mean everyone else  , like, No, t bloke over tal Mike. And t one over t one over turd. And so on, until he room he knew.

    But ten minutes I spent talking to Bong made ory. ell, not ory like  bc or . Not orical ory, unless one of us goes on to invent a time macops Britain from being invaded by Al-Qaida or somet ed cting me up I  about to go in .

    ,  me and , Youre not t, Not oner-brain. And , Because I can see tion in your eyes. I  time, so looking back on it, Im pretty sure t  , O, Yea on suicide co look out for people o go upstairs. And I  you? toppers hemselves.

    And I  if  said t. Everyt to go  imagine  imagine ed C  me, and I suddenly realized t easily t to do  laug : I ed to make my life s, and I  a party in toppers oo muc  ing t all God o say to me  I didnt blame him.

    else ell me?

    I could feel t of everyt of loneliness, of everyt   feop of t weigh me.

    Jumping felt like to get rid of it, to make it ead of against me; I felt so  I knereet in no time. Id beat tower-block.

    MARtIN  If s tried to kill me, Id be dead, no question. But  a preservation instinct,  rying to kill ourselves  I felt turned round and grabbed tarted yelling. I aking nips out of t, as  going to take tepladder on t rip  of vocabulary. If Id kno oned it do, probably, but I didnt; I t even  youd o admit it uation.

    I stood up and turned round carefully, because I didnt  to fall off until I co, and I started yelling at  stared.

    I know you, she said.

    o me in restaurants and sres and garages and urinals all over Britain and say, I knoe; t kno Ive seen you on telly. And t an autograp about  nig  expecting it. It all seemed a bit beside t, t side of life.

    From television.

    Os sake. I  to kill myself, but never mind, time for an autograp a pen? Or a bit of paper? And before you ask, s bitc anyt are you doing up o jump too. I ed to borrow your ladder.

    ts o: ladders. ell, not ladders literally; t peace process doesnt come doo ladders, and nor do ts. But one tervie you can reduce t enormous topics doo tiniest parts, as if life ribute o a faulty catc locked in for a nigage describe ors ed by t card  in .

    You  to talk about big t its tc give you t t knoart. Not if youre ing Rise and Sin you dont, any talk about ed our brains to spill out onto te like a McDonalds milk salked about tead. Be my guest.

    Ill  until¡­ ell, Ill .

    So youre just going to stand tc. Youll be ing to do it on your own, Id imagine.

    Youd imagine right.

    Ill go over tured to t on t s.

    Come on. t  a bad gag. In tances.

    I suppose Im not in the mood, Mr Sharp.

    I dont trying to be funny, but o t do turned around and loo t I couldnt concentrate. t ration does a man need to top of a   place; I understood y ty of attempting to resume life dohe ground.

    But tion racted me, pulled me back out into to t get t  as Cindy and I arting to make love. I  cill kne Id o do it some time.

    Its just t I kne going to be able to do it in t five minutes.  I sed at Maureen.

    Oi! Do you  to s just about anything I said would be hilarious.

    Maureen came out of tiously.

    I  to be on my ooo, she said.

    You  ty minutes. t my spot back.

    o get back over t t of t.

    tepladder really only  enougo open it out.

    Youll o .  do you mean? You  over top to me. Ill put it flus t steady from t side.

    Id never be able to keep it in place. Youre too heavy.

    And soo lig s at all; I o kill   to die a long and painful deather.

    So youll o put up h me being here.

    I  sure t I ed to climb over to t a boundary no to tairs from treet from tairs, and from treet you could get to Cindy, and t  in a gale. t safe.

    tion and sion and s to feel if you ting on a ledge, on your own, on New Years Eve.

    you so t you? Its my ladder.

    Youre not mucleman.

    No, Im fucking not. ts one of t. Dont you read t times.

    So  me? You used to be on tV.

    ts it? I t for a moment. ere you married to someone in Abba? No.

    Or another singer? No.

    O.

    Musudio, and o taste, and you said, quot;Mmmm, I love mus t; as t you? It mig ts all you can dredge up? Yes.

    So o kill myself? Ive no idea.

    Youre pissing me around.

    ould you mind c offensive.

    Im sorry.

    But I couldnt believe it. I couldnt believe Id found someone  to prison, I used to abloid scum ing outside t door. I ings s and managers and tV executives. It seemed impossible t tain uninterested in  seemed to matter. Maybe Maureen lived on t. It o lose touchere.

    about your belt? S my . As far as Maureen  fes on eart  to spend talking about my passion for musured for ted to get on hings.

    about it? take your belt off and put it round t your side of the railings.

    I sa it

    couple of minutes  off, passed it around bot tig up, gave it a so c  to die falling back, placed ts original position.

    And I  about to let Maureen jump in peace  us.

    I s  ake. I mean, t ake if to kill myself. I could  ly and calmly, to tin  t I didnt. I yelled somet of t  t point, to me, anyin rugby-tackled me before I got  of kneeled on me and ground my face into t sort of gritty fake-tarmac stuff t on tops of buildings. t to be dead.

    I didnt kno in. I never sail , and t sa. But I kne I got to t o be like a genius to  out. So , So o kill yourselves and Im not?

    And oo young. eve fucked our lives up. You , yet. And I said, ? And  your age. And I en people?

    Including my parents and, I dont kno ed to see ,  you? Id get on a plane to Brazil if I  to pay for  up.

    MARtIN  My first t, after Id brougo t I didnt  Maureen sneaking off on  o do rying to save  age of my distraction and jumped. O makes muces before, Id been practically us I didnt see

    see ed it all tives ially selfisell you.

    After Jess and I ic conversation about s of people, I sed at Maureen to come and ened, and to us.

    Get a bloody move on.

    do you  me to do? Sit on her.

    Maureen sat on Jesss arse, and I knelt on her arms.

    Just let me go, you old bastard pervert. Youre getting a t of t you? ell, obviously t stung a bit, given recent events. I t for a moment Jess mig even Im not t paranoid.

 Part 1-2

    If you ackled in t just as you  to op of a to be t breakfast television presenters.

    (to breakfast television presenters, of course, most of  not breakfast, luncure enougo rise above Jesss taunts, even t like breaking her arms.

    If  go, are you going to behave? Yes.

    So Maureen stood up, and ability Jess scrambled for to bring her crashing down again.

    Noeran of countless similar situations, and he ropes.

    I dont bloody know.

    didnt occur to any of us t a   t point in ted ty of our situation: urning a solemn and private moment into a farce  of thousands.

    And at t precise moment of acceptance, e cougurned round to look, all, good-looking, long-en years younger t under one arm and one of ted bags in ther.

    Any of you guys order a pizza? he said.

    MAUREEN  I d never met an American before, I dont t at all sure il t expect Americans to be delivering pizzas, do you? ell, I dont, but per out of touc order pizzas very often, but every time I   speak Englis deliver take your money on t do in America, but t  Indians, lots of Australians in tal  no Americans. So   mad at first. t ion for  mad,   t oppers house.

    ill sitting on her, so her voice sounded funny.

    On a cell, he said.

    s a cell? Jess asked.

    OK, a mobile, wever.

    Fair play to .

    Are you American? Jess asked him.

    Yeah.

    are you doing delivering pizzas?  are you guys doing sitting on ting on my  a free country, Jess said.

    You cant do  to.

    did you hing.

    So jump, Martin said.

    So were you! he ignored her.

    You he pizza man asked us.

    e didnt say anything.

    the f¡ª? he said.

    t? Its an American abbreviation, said Martin.  quot;t; means quot; t; In America, t t ime to say t;;.

    ould you co t all brougy.

    t sat do  later old us it  t at all.

    OK, er a w her go.

    e didnt move.

    ening to me? Am I gonna o come over and make you listen? ood up and owards us.

    I tin said, as if o stand up of  because t puncood up, and I stood up, and Jess stood up and brus. tared at Martin.

    Youre t bloke, s tV bloke. t een-year-old. Martin Sin Sting on my .

    ell, of course I didnt  any fifteen-year-old. I dont look at t sort of ne one on the bus.

    You kidding me? said t to prison? I read about him.

    Martin made a groaning noise. Does everyone in America knooo? he said.

    Sure, t it in times.

    Oin, but you could tell he was pleased.

    I  kidding, said to present a breakfast tV s real.

    Give us some pizza, t flavours ? I dont knohe pizza man.

    Let me hen, said Jess.

    No, I mean¡­ t my pizzas, you kno tarted poking the pizzas.

    t kno is tables.

    Vegetarian, said tever, said Jess. s arian. t  agree h me.

    JJ  I told a couple people about t nig t t, but t get t. Most people get suicide, I guess; most people, even if its ime in t about o  day. anting to die seems like it mig of being alive. So anyell people tory of t Ne? You s more, you knoed to do your  place¡­ Sure, I can see  second, t to know w a guy like me was doing delivering fucking pizzas.

    OK, you dont knoake my  t Im not stupid. I read t of every book I can get my  and Brendan Be o be precise - Id finisionary Road by Rices, ally aually going to jump  only because it le mystique to my deat because it migting more people to read it.

    But t, I didnt ion time, and I left it at o say, t I  recommend finis on Cmas Day, in like a cold-er bedsit, in a city  probably didnt  I mean, because the ending is a real downer.

    Any is, people jump to t anyone driving around Nortty little moped on Ne certainly one stagione s of ttro. ell, OK, ion, because delivering pizzas is a job for losers. But  all dumb ass, even  out of all t  least t educated. e got African doctors, Albanian la  understand  more pizza-related violence in our society. Just imagine: youre like top o come to England because t regime s to nail your ass to a tree, and you end up being patronized at toned teenage mot you be legally entitled to break o be a loser. than one way of losing.

    So I could say t I  because Im not an Englisalian guy, or a Spanisever. So I or of Casa Luigi on  care t I o say t s oo small, too dark and airless and fucking o crao.

    trouble ion is t  good enougeac doing someto be somets our inalienable rigizens of ty-first century. If Cina Aguilera or Britney or some American Idol jerk can be somet I?  on t live sics and not many real people liked. But alent is never enougo make us ? I mean, it salent is a gift, and you s, but I didnt. It just pissed me off because I  being paid for it, and it didnt get me on tone.

    Oscar ilde once said t ones real life is often t lead. ell, fucking rig embley and Madison Square Garden and platinum records, and Grammies, and t  t felt like I could t a let me be, I dont kno didnt even let me stand up properly. It felt like Id been unnel t ting narroed to ser, and I ools I   ts no reason to stick . Any Neten sick of it, finally. My fingernails ips of my fingers  for self-expression o fly off t fucking roof like Superman. Except, of course, it didnt  like t.

    Some dead people, people ive to live: Sylvia Plat Cobain, of course. Some alive people: George . Bus a cross next to t  to he alive side.

    And, yea out t I acked t t , a fes and musicians and so on. And you could also point out t Stalin and ler  so great, and th us.

    But indulge me anyalking about. Sensitive people find it o stick around.

    So it  Maureen, Jess and Martin S to take t Van Goge out of t didnt jump off top of a Nortment building.) A middle-aged ic and a talk-s  didnt add up. Suicide  invented for people like this.

    It ed for people like Virginia oolf and Nick Drake. And me.

    Suicide o be cool.

    Neal losers. It upid fault. Of course t croe - like Marcook o ts, t t. It  t o deliver to t in toppers unity seemed too good to turn down.

    My plan o o top, take a look around to get my bearings, go back doo deliver t.

    And suddenly tential suicides munco deliver and staring at me. tly expecting some kind of Gettysburg address about   give a fuck  knoo add muco total of .

    So, I said. Great. Pizza. A small, good t like this.

    Raymond Carver, as you probably kno it ed on these guys.

    Now w? said Jess.

    e eat our pizza.

    t give it . I dont knoo hen?

    Everyone needs a little time out. Looks to me like tting undignified up y minutes? Is t agreed? One by one t back to c time I ried one of Ivans. It was inedible, maybe even poisonous.

    Im not fucking sitting  your fucking   miserable faces, said Jess.

    ts  te agreed to do, Martin reminded her.

    So  of agreeing to do somet doing it? No point. Jess ly untroubled by the concession.

    Consistency is t refuge of tive, I said. ilde again.

    I couldnt resist.

    Jess glared at me.

    o you, said Martin.

    t in anyts why were up here.

    See, noty interesting p. Jess  as long as op, s ention.

    to live outside t be , I said.

    t mean? said Jess.

    You kno means, to tell you trut, not me, and Id al it sounded good. But t situation Id ever been in  to test, and I could see t it didnt side teetime ed, and I  sure w.

    Nothing, I said.

    S up, then, Yankee boy.

    And I did. tely ty-eiges of our time out remaining.

    A long time ago, elly about tory of tles. Jen liked tles, so sc, but I didnt mind. (I probably told  of felt ttle s , t o go off and be t famous group in ory. ell, ts   saying t because it sounds good, but Im not. I kne  ar,  and all t, but my feeling  anyto do  mean t I could tell  rig Ringo, t s very funny. I  I  sual. Martin alented or cool. t it, maybe .

    Any just felt like somet eresting, and so I couldnt understand ting ting pizza slices. So I in goes, , supid, so I called utted and asked me  in called me a stupid, mean little girl, so I spat at   do anytle me, and so JJ jumped in betin, because I dont t me, ely ten and scratcer t little fluffle of activity  ting eac.

    And t sure . And Martin ed in your experiences? Your experiences are delivering pizzas.

    And JJ goes, ell, your experiences, t mine. But it oo late, and I could tell from  you? And  say anytin and Maureen looked at in just goes, ere you going to jump in   airs to deliver before coming back up again. And I said, ell, en tin goes, Gos seem like type, and JJ said, If you guys are type t say Im sorry. tell, a lot of, like, badness in the air.

    So I tried again. Os talk, I said. No need for pain-sharing.

    Just, you knoing. e mig see a , kind of to admit I  of plan. My plan  t back togetter.

    But t, because ted Maureen to go first.

    I t really said anyt rubbed anyone up t. And also, maybe, because I erious tin everyone seemed to kno from t you could tell t t JJ,  kno

    of Americans are gay people, arent t invent gayness, because t  t back into fas like t disappeared in ancient times, and t it back in tietury. Any kno gays, so I just presumed ted to kill t me¡­ You couldnt really tell anyt me from looking at me, so I they were curious.

    I didnt mind talking, because I kne need to say very much.

    None of ted my life. I doubted  for as long as I s aloilet bit t upsets people. o moan before - i-depressants, for example - I alion toilet bit, t needs doing most days. Its funny, because its t Ive got used to. I cant get used to t my life is finisless, too ely   t really s als tor reachough.

    Os a no-brainer. Dont c it.

    Some people cope, said Martin.

    ho? said Jess.

    e y-five years.

    And t  tV s saying.

    are you just saying? Im just saying it can be done.

    Youre not saying whough, are you? Maybe she loved him.

    tin and Jess and JJ. Like people in a soap opera, bang bang bang. Like people o say. I could never  quickly, not t made me realize t Id  all for ty-odd years. And to most couldnt speak back.

    o love? Jess  even an aable. A vegetable in a coma.

    be a vegetable if  in a coma, would in.

    I love my son, I said. I didnt  to t.

    Yes, said Martin. Of course you do. e didnt mean to imply otherwise.

    Do you  us to kill onig. Before I kill myself. I dont mind. No skin off my nose.

    And its not like  muco live for, is it? If , poor sod.

    My eyes filled ears, and JJ noticed.

    are you, a f¡ª idiot? o Jess. Look w youve done.

    So-rry, said Jess. Just an idea.

    But t

    to live, ty to die. And knowing w made me cry more.

    MARtIN  Everyone bloody kne me, so I didnt see t of told t.

    Oating American  doesnt take long, I find, to be irritated by Yanks. I kno success over teful natives of t all t cool-daddio stuff gets on my e est movie. You certainly  ttering around Archway delivering pizzas.

    e just  to , said Jess.

    t a quot;my sidequot;. I  and Im paying the price.

    So you dont  to defend yourself? Because youre among friends here, said JJ.

    S spat at me, I pointed out.  kind of a friend is t? O be sucting at me. I never take it personally.

    Maybe you ss end it to be taken.

    Jess snorted. If I took it personally, I  .

    e let t one he air.

    So  to kno you dont knoo every story, said Jess. e only knohe bad side.

    I didnt know seen, I said. Sold me seen.

    Seen. t . t ory.

    So if s be up  suppose I  he law.

    ouldnt o prison. ouldnt  my job, my  ¡­   So youre saying it  bad luck.

    Id say tain degree of culpability involved. tell you, an attempt at dry understatement; I didnt kno Jess is at  he bleeding obvious.

    Just because youve sionary, it doesnt mean youve done nothing wrong, said Jess.

    ts ;culpabilityquot;¡­ Because some married men  ter  kids and all,  you? I have indeed.

    So bad lucks got noto do .

    O over t trying to make excuses for myself. I feel so c to die.

    I should hope so.

    troducing too. Very helpful.

    Very¡­ curative.

    Anoty look.

    Im interested in something, said JJ.

    Go on.

    easier to like leap into to face up to o w Ive done.

    People are alheir wives and kids.

    t all jump off of buildings, man.

    No. But like Jess says, maybe they should.

    Really? You take of ts some , said JJ.

    Did I really t? Maybe I did. Or maybe I  knoten tly t, more or less. turally. Id called for toration of ty, for example. Id called for resignations and crations and prison sentences and public ions and penances of every kind. And maybe I  it rousers sually, I cant remember  te punis ion. But t is t I ising o keep my trousers, so noo my o o pay if you abloid columnist whe line youd drawn.

    Not every mistake, no. But maybe this one.

    Jesus, said JJ. Youre real tough on yourself.

    Its not just t, anys tion. t of tion. tV ss c of room. I cant see any way forward or back.

    tful silence, for about ten seconds.

    Rigurn.

    I launc , My names Jess and Im eig I dont need to go into. And t up ion. Because  say anyt . But if ion Id feel better, I t.

    Except I cant find  ty doairs looking for  there. So I came up here.

    And Martin goes, all sarcastic, Youre going to kill yourself because C turn up at a party? Jesus.

    ell, I never said t, and I told ion, t it?

    rying to make me sound stupid, and t  fair, because

    to eac let me be on breakfast television any more. Oable and I dont talk to anyone and I o clean up  make Maureen sound stupid. But it seemed to me t taking t on. You could aken t of all four of us; you can take t of anyone whos unhappy, if youre cruel enough.

    So I go, t  ion migop me. I didnt say it  op you. But youre not up o railings, are you?

    t s .

    JJ ed to find C I  because ic and Duaking t it? But  knoy or anot you go looking for ead of fucking around up  of energy and  I kne rue.

    I dont kno you is, youre reading t kno kno of  youll maybe smile to yourself o yourself, O feels. But you cant, you smug old git. O remember feeling sort of pleasantly sad. You migening to music and eating ces in your room, or  on your oer coat and feeling lonely and brave. But can you remember  felt like you ing into your oomach?

    Can you remember taste of red  came back up and into toilet boill toget alking to you gently and touc every morning  all over again? Can you remember carving ials in your arm canding too close to tform?

    No? ell, fucking s up tick your smile up your saggy old arse.

    JJ  I o just like splurge, tell em everyto knoo lie. I guess I felt a little queasy listening to tty solid. Jesus, everyone understood in  even so, t level of ion and s if Id uck around as long as s. So it  like people itive, exactly, but tain amount of, I dont kno¡­marking out territory?

    And maybe I felt a little insecure because Martin co be tion guy, but my sion o look a little pale. een-year-old, and fucked over in tabloids; Id been dumped by a girl, and my band  going anywhere. Big fucking deal.

    Still, I didnt til I rouble  lost my nerve.

    So, I said. OK. Im JJ, and¡­ oss t stand for? People al to knoials are for, and I never tell te my name.  ed guys, and  too mucime listening to t-ies, Joes millions of books about like cuff. And ts me. Jo of school and form a band? Yep.

    Is Jo? Nope. JJ is OK, though. JJs cool enough.

    ts my business. Anyway, Im JJ, and Im  w your name is.

    until I find somet tells me. Your passport or bank book or somet find anyt steal somet give it back until youve coughed up.

    Jesus C.  gives his girl?

    Youd rat tials?   Yeae not knohings.

    I dont knoin. But if youre really troubled by your o than JJs name.

    s t supposed to mean? Do you kno. As if anyone   t secrets, are t like not knos. I could find t otuff out any time I felt like it, and I dont feel like it.

    If   to tell us,   to tell us. Do your friends call you JJ? Yeah.

    ts good enough for us.

    Snot good enough for me, said Jess.

    Just belt up and let alk, said Martin.

    But for me, t  of truth, anyway, ha ha.

    I could tell I  going to get a fair ility coming off Jess and Martin, and these waves were breaking everywhere.

    I stared at te.

    So? said Jess. You forgotten ten, I said.

    ell, fucking spit it out then.

    Im dying, I said.

    See, I never t Id run into tty sure t sooner or later rudge back doairs or jump off ter, scale of problem etcetera. It really never occurred to me t to come back and repeat on me like a pickle in a Big Mac.

    Yea look great, said Jess.  you got? AIDS? AIDS fitted t for mont ¡­ Id , and its not t.

    AIDS I kney seconds after Jesss question - e?

    Leukemia? t. Im only a joke killer disease. Im not serious enougo offend anyone.

    I got like ts called CCR. er Revival, one of my all-time favorite bands, and a big inspiration to me. I didnt them looked like big Creedence fans.

    Jess oo young, I really didnt need to  Maureen, and Martin  if Id told him I was dying of incurable ABBA.

    Its like Cranial Corno-somet.

    t sounded about rig.

    Is t? Maureen asked.

    Oake a pill. Its just t  be arsed. Der.

    ts from drug abuse. Drugs and alcos all my o.

    You must feel a bit of a berk, then, said Jess.

    I do, I said. If quot;berkquot; means asshole.

    Yeah. Anyway, you win.

    o me once and for all t a competitive edge had snuck in.

    Really? I was pleased.

    Os, you knorumps! Youve got trumps, man.

    Id say t al disease in. t-miserable bastard game. Not much use anywhere else.

    ? Jess asked.

    I dont know.

    Roug like off top of your head.

    S up, Jess, said Martin.

    ed to knoh.

    ere not dealing .

    Not very well, Jess said.

    O rig deal h being dumped.

    e fell into a ile silence.

    ell, said Martin. So. hen.

    Now w? said Jess.

    Youre going art, said Martin.

    Like fuck I am. o marchere.

    Ill go ion.

    Go on.

    You .

    All of us? Yeaoo young to do t. You said.

    Im not sure I , looking back, said Martin. Youre , now.

    So its OK if I go over? Sarted to ohe roof.

 Part 1-3

    Come back here, I said.

    I dont give a fuck, you know, so me.

    And ts t ts   t nigs. It  t  s  t it felt like s do o do, at any given moment, and if sed to jump off a building to see  felt like, try it. And once youd  out, t  a question of how much you cared.

    But you dont need our  knoart looking for Che only one who can find him.

    Yea I get s sort of how I ended up here.

    do you tin to t of us.

    Im not going any change my mind.

    Fine. e  ask you to.

    Because theyll come looking for me.

    e home.

    So o do if t find you? t Matty somewerrible.

    tty in helplessly.

    Is it tin. Is t ed, but I could see wion.

    I only paid for one night, said Maureen.

    t? Yes, of course. tion t s not seemed to make tle pissed. Pissed off. ever.

    So pell taying two.

    Maureen looked at o do up in laughed, kind of.

    ell, is there? said Jess.

    Notin. Apart from the obvious.

    O, said Jess. Forget it. ts gone. I can tell. So  to find someto do.

    So even if youre rig o do anytoget  old you.

    know you  give muc  on your own.

    So you dont feel like a bond kind of t hrough.

    Nope.

    You ill being friends w a vision shared by all.

    MAUREEN  I didnt like it t tig  anyto do  so I paid for one nigo pay, but I  be around to know.

    t understand, I could tell. I mean, tand t I  understand t. t it ty  in a home somewhere.

    So  put  die?   t just goes to s t understand me, or Matty, or Fat t way.

    tin and JJ and Jess, t from anyone I knoelevision, tEnders and t to say straig saying t. t ty if  y. t  say, s t at t, and maybe t, but t me, and I didnt knoell t.

    t me, but I ly, because t so  I o say, t see the difference.

    Because it seems to me t you o live a life you can stand if youre like t.

    So I didnt knoo say ed to die. ts s y t Id made up. But too, isnt t, you fool. Please stop me. Please o ts to live, t missing, maybe. to say, I am entitled to somet muc somet  quite enougs e enougo stop me.

    ell? said Martin. Are you prepared to  until tomorroell t ts too late to call them.

    ty. Give me tiny little mobile telep of  and turned it on. It started ringing, and ton and put to ening to a message, I suppose.

    Someone loves you, said Jess, but he ignored her.

    I ten dotle note. I fis out of my pocket, but I couldnt read it in the dark.

    Give it in.

    ell, I  tle note, my letter, and I didnt  anyone reading it  kno, and before I kne, Martin c from me.

    O, . I could feel myself bluse? Cool. Read it out, said Jess. Mine are crap, but I bet hers is worse.

    Yours are crap? said JJ. Meaning, t, ing te c it.

    t  t say anyt though.

    ? said Jess.

    I imagine t most of us  ten tin.

    I keep c. Its a big decision.

    One of t, Martin said. Certainly in top ten. imes seemed to be joking  joking when he was.

    Any be reading t. ing at it to read tapped t. And a feer it old tty aying for anot . t, it o be asking any more questions. If Id p long explanation for o  up monto get Matty out a few er.

    So, said JJ. Maureens OK. t just leaves you, Martin. You wanna join in?   ell, win said.

    I dunno, said Jess. Some party some depends on?

    ry and get a cab to go somein.

    knoh London, Jess said.

    Good, said Martin. And ell t, instead of killing ourselves, o come doever   muc it ry and make it work.

    Give me your mobile and Ill make some calls, said Jess.

    So Martin gave  to ted to be told where we were going.

    I knoerstones and c television ttes.

    Youre t serious. ed a tabloid pograpo capture e unquote cry for  AKES t. And I can understand , my friends. I climb a stairo  some party, I s?

    First of all, Ill  I scored very .

    Becks Suicide Intent Scale. Ill bet you didnt even kno somety-one out of ty points, h, as you can imagine.

    Yes, suicide emplated for more to ttempt. Yes, I ain of deattention: its fifteen storeys oppers  anyten  for you pretty ime. Yes, tive preparation   for ttempt: ladder, ters and so on. s, he scores.

    tions  s are t t. Beck calls isolation and timing. No one near by in visual or vocal contact gets you top marks, as does Intervention  argue t as  in Nort popular suicide nigervention  inevitable; I er by saying t  being dim. Dim or grotesquely self-absorbed, take your pick.

    And yet, of course, if it  been for teeming t be around today, so maybe old Beck is bang on t ing on anyone to rescue us, but once arted bumping into eacainly a collective desire - a desire born more t of embarrassment - to s least for t. Not one of us descended tairs o t life iful and precious tly more miserable on tion  available to us, at least for t. And t of ement up on t of independent state, -level laws no longer applied.

    Even t o climb tairs. And no it didnt feel like o make us feel t t anyt money, or class, or education, or age, or cultural interests - t ion, suddenly, in t couple of ime being ed only to be riots. I  even kno me t five years of our marriage. Maureen kne I  meant s important t me; Cindy al</bdo>

    It  it? I can even see tURNED! And tory about o settle doer sc actresses  enlargements.

    Yea. Dream on.

    JJo find out  ty, and trying to figure out en to at t exact moment, if I o t came to mind , maybe because it  and silly, and reminded me of a time in life  arted le more sense. It  today and it  tomorro  last year and it  next year, and any made up our minds wal souls were headed.

    Jess spent ten minutes talking to sources close to C guess t  a party in Sceen fligairs, tink of piss, and to treet, o salked enougold us  was, and where.

    It essa and t lot.

    Ain. t lot.

    And Alfie and tabiturdays. And Acid-e and t of the whole graphic design crew.

    Martin groaned; Maureen looked seasick.

    A young African guy driving a sty old Ford pulled up alongside us.

    he passenger window and leaned over.

    ch.

    ty pounds.

    Fuck off, said Jess.

    S up, said Martin, and got in t seat. My treat, he said.

    t of us got in the back.

    he driver.

    None of us said anything.

    Party? said the driver.

    Do you kno all? Martin asked o run into him. Should be jolly.

    quot;Jollyquot;, Jess snorted. osser? If you o joke around o give y of advance warning.

    It y in t tons of people around, in cars and cabs and on foot. Everyone seemed to be in a group. Sometimes people o us; Jess always waved back.

    you? Jess said to t? Or are you gonna go and oute la nuit, said t.

    Bad luck, said Jess.

    thlessly.

    Yes. Bad luck.

    Does your missus mind? Sorry? Your missus. La femme. Does s you  no in the place where is she.

    Anyone ional antenna could  turn real dark. Anyone  t tory, and t tory,  o get us into ty mood. Anyone opped righere.

    Ooo. Bigmoutrikes again.

    Not bad. Dead. , like  correcting  of fact - as if in  people got confused.

    Oh.

    Yes. Bad men kill her.

    Oh.

    Yes. In my country.

    Right.

    And rigo stop: exactly at t  a million bucks t our ts all contained, someions:  we seen here? Or had he been up and come down, like us?

    ould old roubles? urned out to be so fucking¡­ dogged?

    to o know us.

    Maureen didnt  to come in  o a room t  to a Ne since Ive been  une in NYC, une plus anoty per cent in London. It ill packed, even at four in t  favorite people: fucking art students. I mean, Jess  it still came as a ss, and moustacs of tattoos and plastic s  Buso bomb Iraq, and I like a toke as muc guy, but till fill my  ly because I kno o in front of a croo ime. t like real music, t like temptations or ts; tupid fucking bleeps. Or else tend t tas, and listen to  hos and guns.

    So I -go. I  I o get into a fig t fig: Id be defending eitin or Maureen from tee, or some ac it never  Martin in  and an, and   Maureen in  and sensible s in. traig t there.

    Martin and V  Underground. Me, I s, a leat and an old Gitanes t-s, and I felt like a fucking freak.

    t t made me t o break someones nose. Martin anding traig of a bottle, and tarted staring at him.

    Martin S telly! I y, and it  occurred to me t o a party ins face is like o a party naked: even arts students tend to take notice. But ted traigion.

    Oh, yeah! Good call! his buddy said.

    Oi, Sin smiled at tly.

    People must say t to you all time, one of them said.

    ? You know. Oi, S.

    ell, yes, said Martin. they do.

    Bad luck, tV, you end up looking like t cunt.

    Martin gave t-can-you-do surned back to me.

    You OK? ts life,  me. o give an old clich.

    Maureen, mean ty-goers as if s Diane Arbus pos projected fifty feet wide on an Imax screen.

    You  a drink? heres Jess? Looking for Chas.

    And then can we go? Sure.

    Good. Im not enjoying myself here.

    Me neither.

    ? I dont know.

    But ogets t? Until his guy.

    I  find  for a while. Id like a sherry, please, if you can find one.

    You kno sure to be too muc look like so me.

    e ? I found a couple paper cups, and a bottle  in it.

    Cheers.

    Cheers.

    Every Nee y full of jerks. And t.

    ime last year? I  a party at h Lizzie, my ex.

    Nice? It y.

    Righink, a year ago...

    Yes, she said quickly. Oh, yes.

    Rig really knoche jerks.

    It cant be  rooms. Even people y  ation toilet, except t even a separate gents. t a little ing toilet from t of it, so even to go, I couldnt; anyone mig I  need to spell out  all o say t a bad smell is just a germ gas;   t anyone could use toilet anyo find it, someone  to smell toilet (ed in all sorts of different   of ed  party and  kind of people t I t people like t oilet, I mig the lid.

    anding tears, and t of ty tle space around us. Some boy old  C at ty, some girl. Jess ed us all to go round to trying to persuade  it  a good idea.

    Its OK, Jess said. I knoanding. S didnt kno me and Chas.

    if she did know? said JJ.

    ell, said Jess. In t case I couldnt let it go, could I?  does t mean? I  kill  t mad. But I would o  her.

    Maybe cut tle.

    I didnt t over it.

    I felt almost as sorry for  make it easy for  its not called t any more, over in t maco our table and asked Frank to take me ed to put any money in t, and to make a fair bit of money from t mac nights.

    I nearly did aainly considered it. But I t I could ride it out, I t t get better. Imagine trouble I could ty, but of course I didnt kno then.

    I didnt take any notice of t cutting people.

    I came up  of utter nonsense  Frank o move a   me. None of it rue. Frank  man e enoug muco make up some bigger ones.

    ere you engaged? I asked Jess, and t.

    Engaged? Jess said. Engaged?  is t;Ooo my trut; quot;Oy Knob;  S part in a silly voice, but you could probably .

    People do still get engaged, Martin said. Its not a stupid question.

    engaged? I did, I said. But I said it too quietly, because I was scared of  again.

    You did? Really? OK, but  engaged? Im not interested in people out of t interested in people s and ed to ask w s we sead of s I was learning my lesson.

    Anyo? I didnt  any of t didnt seem fair t t ried to help.

    Did you s you did. ? Doggy style? So  o look at you? And tin grabbed o treet.

    JESS  in pulled me outside, I did t to become a different person. Its somet like it.

    Doesnt everybody,  of control? You knoo yourself, OK, Im a booky person, so t some books from t of  makes you feel different. If you borroerests or t t can give you a bit of a rest from yourself, I find.

    It ime to feel different. I dont knouff to Maureen; I dont kno I couldnt stop myself. I get angry, and arts its like being sick. I puke and puke over someone and I cant stop until Im empty. Im glad Martin pulled me outside. I needed stopping. I need stopping a lot. So I told myself t from t point on I o be more a person out of t to s; I s to ask yle.

    Martin  spare at me, told me I c, and asked me  said, Yes, sir, and, No, sir, and, Very sorry, sir, and I looked at t, not at  to ssied, ouc ts told  I o stop being me, and t no one  knoo say to t. I didnt  to get sick of me. People do get sick of me, Ive noticed.

    C sick of me, for example. And I really need t not to   too mucoo strong too quickly, and  scared. Like t tate Modern? t ely a mistake. Because tuff is all ense and so on, but just because tuff is all ense, t s  t I  all ense. t e beed until  outside and finis tures and installations before I  off on one. I t sick of me, too.

    Also, t migra e beoo. Or maybe t inappropriate, because ion some time, but t rigime (s C nig I  really mature enougo be a mot by yelling my   of proved it for him.

    So anyin  mental at me for a o sured. s   sand enoug.  I understood  it  and anding outside a party full of people  kno someone else  knoting on a roof t killing ed uation I o live. I  over and put my  me as if I ation and   of some description - not a romantic Ross-and-Racype moment (as if), but a Moment of Sanding. But terrupted, and t passed.

    JJ  I  to tell you about my old band - I guess because Id started to t tarted out being called Big Pink, as a tribute to t t ed te toget up until t  like t any more. And Billy , and¡­ s, you could care less, rigo kno no one else ever o , before my time - tones, t no one Ive ever seen . I  bullsting you, but youll o take my : on our   good nig em out ty miles aill like our albums, but it  people remember; some bands just go out and play ttle louder and faster, but o speed em up and sloo play covers of t o oo, and our so mean someto people, in a  s any more.  ecostal service; instead of applause and ears and teetongues. e saved souls. If you love rocknroll, all of it, from, I dont knoe Stripes, ted to quit your job and come and live inside our amps until your ears fell off. t t a figure of speech.

    I o e, and Id read tell t people felt t otoo, and t  t be fans, rig I could tell from reading t our guys  of our s, and t. Its just t t enoughem, I guess.

    Anyway.

    Maureen felt faint after Jess cut loose on her, and who could blame her?

    Jesus. I  dooo if Jess ever cut loose on me, and Ive been around times. I took side on to a little roof terrace t looked like it never got t any time of t table and a grill out ttle grills are everyo me to represent triumpance, seeing as all you can do is peer at t tting at table, but  feeling too good t up and  back inside, and  doo get er, but s  anyt sat t to tually  t tacrying to attract our attention.

    Excuse me, he whispered as loudly as he dared.

    You alk to us, you come here.

    I cant come into t.

    ter migry to kill me.

    t here.

    tters everywhere.

    Like God, I said.

    I o terrace and crouc to him.

    how can I help you? You American? Yes.

    Oell you t to kno ten, can you cy and see if tters gone?  does  se saold me to  il s out  like quot;once upon a timequot;. Just once. But I stopped because s.

    Youre C you? ? Im a friend of Jesss.

    Oo  and started looking for o escape over t one point I t o try running up it, like a squirrel.

    S, . ill you  you to come and talk to tle c would help calm her down.

    C e laug, o calming Jess doranquilizers le c.

    You kno, dont you? I didnt kno, C? Ive been too scared. I cant make t mistake again. I cant ing at me in t mind, you knoter t y-time youre sixty, you dont feel like it anyy years. Less. I can live . omen are fucking maniacs, man.

    You dont  to t like t, man. Youve just had some bad luck.

    I said t  to say, not because my experience told me anyt. It  true t   - just t I   h.

    Listen. If you came outside and tle c,  t could ried to kill me ted once. Plus, Im banned from two galleries and a cinema. Plus, Ive had an official warning from...

    OK, OK. So youre saying t t could  deato you, my friend, t its better to die like a man th grills like a mouse.

    Maureen ood up and come to join us in our dark barbecue corner.

    Id try to kill you, if I ly t it imidity in the voice.

    trouble wherever you look.

    a? Get a? I didnt do anything.

    I t you said you  say t in so many  you said you   you slept h her.

    ell,  I didnt know shen.

    So once you find out t ts when you run away.

    I o run away. Sime.

    And  your business? I dont like to see people upset.

    about me? Im upset. My life is a shambles.

    No t  suc to use oppers ion, the Kings and Queens of Shambles.

    Crying to decide wo give up on fucking life.

    You o talk to her. said Maureen.

    Fuck off, said Chen, womp! Maureen popped him as hard as she could.

    I cant tell you imes Id c a party or after a s me, alto violence, and  of calm and clarity. And OK, Maureen tle old lady, but cake a swing really broug all back home.

 Part 1-4

    Maureen: s more guts than I had.

    Suck around to find out  o live t kno sty came along, sed around for ty years to see  of feeling in t slap, and I could imagine ting someone pretty oo. t

    intend ever to be her age.

    Frank is Mattys fats funny to t mig be immediately obvious to someone, because its so obvious to me. I only ever ercourse ercourse  one man once, and time in my entire life I ercourse produced Matty.

    are ten million? I dont kno of course even one in ten million means t t of s not en million. You dont ts a lot of people.

    Ive come to realize, over t ected from bad luck t doesnt seem fair, ercourse only t alk or even recognize me¡­ ell, fairness doesnt really o do , does it? You only o ercourse to produce a c say, You can only ty if youre married, or if you s of ots of different men. t, even t tty, you cant  feel, ts it! ts all my bad luck, a  Im not sure luck . Matty  stop me from getting breast cancer, or from being mugged. Youd t . In a han he could have provided.

    And any believe in luck as muc. ere good at believing in punis;  in t t is Matty. It migo pay, but to mean somet ts  t I got. For a long time I eful, because it felt to me as to be able to redeem myself o be made after no so sure. If to pay for a sin is so  you end up ing to kill yourself and committing an even hen Someones done his sums wrong. Someones overcharging.

    I  anyone before, not in ten ed to. But t nig. I  felt as if it didnt matter il I  back to top of toppers   time I   realized t I  of  made me  to slap  because I could, but I didnt. t so strong - and t on all fours covering h his hands.

    Im sorry, Chas said.

    For w? JJ asked him.

    Im not sure, ever.

    I old him.

    Im sorry, he said again.

    It s. Its a o do, to ercourse hen disappear.

    I can see t now.

    Can you? I think so.

    You cant see anyt you get up? I dont really  to be slapped again.

    Is it fair to say t youre not t man in the world? JJ asked him.

    ts of different  I dont set mucore by ps fair. Its overrated, I think.

    ell, you knoo s your y, man. You  slap , and C to . It range feeling, ching because of me.

    Not muc? said JJ.

    No. But I dont really see ternatives.

    talking to Jess? O ime. Seriously. Im already ting, you knoo someone elses back yard? Maybe somew of grass? No, Co Mancer.

    Listen, JJ said. I knoo e. ouldnt you rat ties? But o say? Maybe . toget mig her off your back.

    Like  shed marry you if you asked her.

    As just¡­ I  kidding around, Cen up, man.

    t, like, ligimes. times.

    Dark times indeed.  o Mancer, and living under a grill and tohing.

    Yeah.

    JJ shook his head.

    OK. So ell s going to get you out of to say, as if or and we were in a soap.

    Im not averse to  DIY every noed   tencils and everytV cameras tion company paid for every last drop of Day-Glo paint, but t doesnt make it any less of an ac.) Any t sometimes you come across  are too big for filler, especially in t o do it is to bung tcs of sponge, o   nig of sponge t plugged a gap. te of time and energy, a banal little sides it absorbed us, got us doening to erous speecs value. I could also see t o need a lot more bits of sponge over ths.

    Maybe ts  too big a gap to be plugged by filler, so  our een-year-olds, o fill it up.

    of ty and on to treet. rying to sound co bump into Jess at some point during t ion undid o convey o make eye contact. ty gangster caug of ely trying to suck up in order to save his skin.

    you talk to me? Yea. I kne to kno. And Ive been t it. Ive been t it very ually, because, you knos¡­ Im not  it. Its s a weakness in me.

    Dont overdo it, man, said JJ. ttempt on anyones part to pretend t to bear any resemblance to a real conversation.

    No. Rig of all I s  happen again.

    And second of all: I find you very attractive, and stimulating company, and¡­ time JJ just cougentatiously.

    ¡­ And, s not me, its you. s not you, its me.

    At t point, just as rying to remember  my eye.

    elly. Martin thing.

    It is him, said Jess.

    s a long story, I said.

    e  up on toppers o tory considerably ser, and, to be fair, leaving out very fe points.

    Cion almost visibly, like snakes so ttractive aspects to y, but quickness of intelligence  one of t girl you s and everything? he asked finally.

    you ask Jess  t more relevant? S up, said Jess. ts private.

    Ouff isnt? No, s any more. Everyone kno it.

    s Penny C  o talk about, Cly.

    No. Rigs just a bit distracting, elly standing there.

    Do you  me to leave? No, said Jess quickly. I  you here.

    I   youd be ype, said Coo old. Plus, . o s none of us - none of t expect me to laug my oely amused.

    O. Its like t, is it? And suddenly, yes, it ly like t: han   him, in every way.

    And even Jess sa.

    Youre tosser, so do h you.

    Fuck off out of my sigraigoe into tiest part of toon cers.

    And t he end of Chas.

    JESS  oppers  to be  knoil t nig I suddenly realized it just by looking at Chass face.

    t. It  ty-t anyt from  t E from, or felt anyt from off   gave  stupid joke about Martin and expected us to laugely lost in t of t laug frigroubled eyes - tickle it. Id noticed  ill see opped to t. And you can say t o kill yourself is a co, and you can say t none of us o  to do it. But you cant say t  feel it, because  ant t t was like unless oo.

    Because ts  mean  mean t someto us s of ot from e   to say t Maureen and I s and listened to brass bands or  kno in common  girl is t  kno until C t Martin being a cunt.

    t  Cold me anyt ed me,  planet - and it  ill oion, I t, but so w?

    good  going to do me? It   cs going to  tcc miles a   arms in t made me scared t I o be itc  t. I kne Martin  ed o  even ried anyt .  of did te; he held me all funny, as if I was covered in barbed wire.

    Im sorry, I . Im sorry t little sbag called you names. And   my fault, but I told  of course it  me  o experience trauma of being called a cunt on Ne a lot.

    (tually true. Ive knorangers, call  about fifteen times, a prick about ten times, a  tely imes. Also: tosser, berk, , shead and pillock.) Nobody likes him, which is weird, because hes famous. how can you be famous if nobody likes you?

    Martin says its noto do een-year-old t if anyt got sligter after t, because t ly t of people ead of sing out names, ted out t in tcetera. In terms of personal abuse, alt in terms of ionsy, going to prison actually did  all sorts of people seem to be famous even tony Blair is a good example. And all t breakfast tV programmes and quiz s of money, it seems to me, is because strangers yell terrible  treet. Even a traffic  get called a cunt o being Martin is tations to film premieres and dodgy nightclubs.

    And ts o trouble.

    t some ts I in and I  t get us any o go.

    I oo muco let t end - as if  large in Ocean, and o someones flat for spliffs and a c,  yours is tasty, Martin. Ill bet youve got Jacuzzis and all sorts. tll do. And Martin said, No,  go t t  t oo fat to go in one or anyt fat, Martin. oo vain to be fat.

    So I said, ell, never mind, as long as youve got a kettle and some Corn Flakes. And , I , so I o   in a funny  mig and I said, , Nobody. And I said, Is t Mr Nobody or maybe Miss Nobody? And  nobody. So I ed to kno to invite us back, and , Because I dont know you.

    And I said, Yea kno fifteen-year-old. And ts go to mine. ?

    And so we did.

    JJ  I kno  to tell you trution t if  to breakfast time, t up due to musical differences. Breakfast time   to a ne, but I really didnt  to be seen in daylig I mean - especially  breakfast and dayligill a couple of  felt to me like I  to go o Martins place. to do anytill didnt trust myself to spend too mucime on my own.

    Martin lived in a little villagey part of Islington, rigony Blairs old  times, as Martin o  steps to -door bells, so I could tell it  all  I couldnt o live there.

    Before  urned around.

    Listen,  say anytened.

    I dont hing, said Jess.

    No, I didnt mean t sort of listen. I meant, Listen, Im going to tell you something.

    Go on, t it out.

    Its very late. So just¡­ be respectful of the neighbours.

    ts it? No. ook a deep breathere.

    In your flat? Yes.

    know w youd call e. ever.

    You e for tried to keep my voice in neutral, but, you knoting in a club or  s to jump off a building.

    Yes.  of it? Not¡­ to say any more. e could leave t to tion.

    Fucking  kind of date ends up ting on toin.

    I s was fucking unsuccessful, said Jess.

    Yes, said Martin. ts w as such.

    o  and usting on t before en or fifteen years younger tty, in a kind of bimbo tV . Sared at us, and t him.

    rying to keep it lig s quite pull it off.

    Just out. Met some¡­ ured at us.

    Met some who? You know. People.

    And ts  knoo run into t.

    And whe girl.

    I ed to in ansion, because it mig Jess interrupted.

    Youre Penny Chambers, said Jess.

    S say anyt already. e stared at her.

    Penny Chambers, said Maureen. She was gaping like a fucking fish.

    Penny Cill didnt say anythe same reasons as before.

    Rise and Sin, said Maureen.

    No response for a time. I dont knoars, but I got it. If Martin o kill  ty fucking o admit.

    Are you t? Jess asked her.

    Youd better ask y.

    Are you t? Jess asked him.

    Im sorry, said Martin.

    Ansion, said Penny. Im interested.

    t really time to talk about it, said Martin.

    So t, Penny said. o me.

    Its complicated, said Martin. You kne.

    Nope.

    You kne happy.

    Yes, I kne  I didnt know you were un me.

    I ¡­ Its not¡­ Can alk later? In private? opped, and gestured around t taring faces. I t, as a rule, potential suicides tend to be pretty self-absorbed: t fes pretty muc do  about us and b) because it  a conversation likely to depress t of us. It , just a fig aking us out of ourselves.

    And  probably not immediately.

    Rig do alk about in time? it to say to t. Martin , so it o o find to him.

    I tom and Cine, said Penny.

    Yeaomorrow.

    t think youre so rude.

    om and Cine? th? Yes.

    did you tell told to toilet, said Penny.

    Jess burst out laugin glanced at   . You knoed,  to laugry not to catcoo? ell, ts  ted ttle-boy smirk and fle ttle boy in question. s to prevent ting him.

    funny.

    Im sorry. Really. I knos not funny in any o  s down again.

    e need a drink, said Martin. ould you mind if tayed for one? Ill take a drink off just about anybody in any situation, but even I  sure ake t too ty.

    It o t t I ion of describing Penny as a rigc anyt  t ty minutes or so praying t it  t my opinion of Penny would be passed on.

    And, needless to say, it oget  of prison, and as you can imagine so endure a fair amount of difficulty in t time. e didnt  to kno  anyen trictly necessary. I ill ially employed, on a dismal cable cioned before, I  terribly cheerful.

    And ing, but o oter muciming and many recriminations,  toget . I tom   of my o top of iful and young and famous, broadcasting to millions every morning. I couldnt believe t sed to be algia and pity, and s persuade me otalk for five minutes about some novel t understand, and t of t  t couldnt get toget, aged about one  and made me read it, and it took me about as long to get t took ters to pair off. ell, our relations like t, except tter time tmas, in a fit of self-disgust and despair, I told o bugger off, and so s out t nig on tV c-ever line of coke, and to see me t morning in floods of tears. ts c anyt t on the harsh side.

    So t, give or take a feo-s and tantrums, a couple of dozen ot-ups, and ten to add - is o be sitting on my sofa ing up for me. Sing a long time if it  been for our impromptu roof party. I  even boting e, an omission ic delusion t tions sure.

    t sruck me as an anso confuse and obscure to illuminate. As for me¡­ ell, I associated Penny, perandably, ime before tarted to go aeen-year-olds, before prison. I o convince myself t if I could make t . I bring you momentous nes not. ?

    My immediate problem ion rutful and upsetting, and it   off t could o one anot look like colleagues, or poetry ents, or clubbers, or substance-abusers; t o be said, , if failing to look like a substance-abuser could ever be described as a problem. And even if tance-abusers, I ill find it o explain t desperation of my desire to see told Penny and   mine s t I o toilet;  t door  on Neo attend ty?

    So I decided simply to carry on as if to explain.

    Sorry. Penny, this is Penny.

    Penny seemed unconvinced even by troductions, as if I arted lying already.

    But you still  told me whey are.

    As in¡­ ? As in,  ts a long story.

    Good.

    Maureen I kno of all? Maureen stared at me.

    Its a long time ago no it? ell remember in a minute. And JJ used to be part of the old Channel  crowd, and Jess is his girlfriend.

    Jess put oucire t have wished.

    And s. t¡­ deaf idiots.

    onig¡­ like¡­ a party, said JJ tentatively.

    ch.

    , Jess?   Jess s  sort of crazy night.

    And o go? At eleven-ty? In ty? it me? t I cant explain. And I attempted to look simultaneously ic. e o ty and unpredictability, a country ted.

    Youre seeing someone else, arent you? Seeing someone else?  explain any of this?

    ate bringing eenaged punk and an American  and a Rod Ste ?  ory  ter reflection, I realized t Penny  infidelity can usually provide to any domestic mystery. If I on and Donald Rumsfeld, Penny hing.

    In otances, on ot oo; I used to be pretty resourceful o a o explain a four-ting  into treet to inspect t, looked at me, and said, Youre seeing someone else, arent you? I denied it, of course.

    But to come to an Islington flat in tually telling trut look you get, ts you see rigo t and t go t extra yard to avoid it?

    ell? My delay in replying  of some pretty complicated mental aritic; I rying to   sums gave me t minus number. But, inevitably, terpreted as an admission of guilt.

    You fucking bastard.

    I empted to point out t I er tunate incident V c t ed to get drunk in my o I kne was coming.

    I  outside t - I ually sick w s  have one.

    as  erwards.

    Ive seen lots of te your ood  of younger people iced, and of course tend to be sick on t ake, too, nowadays, I suppose. (Do drugs make you sick?

    Id t you?) And some of ton dont seem to go in for ts muc you see t migin is a sicker-upper. Or maybe   of friends o drinking, and also because I  o eat for more too nervous on Neo eat anyt seem to be an a of point any even tys muss food for? Its fuel, isnt it? It keeps you going. And I didnt really  to be kept going. Jumping off toppers omaceful, like selling a car ank of petrol. So I arted drinking te  ty, and after Id arted spinning round and round.

    e  for a little . Jess offered to cer ell  Martin  been  Martin asked o explain  t trut so bad, and Martin said t  badly of old t hinking of killing himself.

    Youre mad, said Jess. S . Youd probably get a sympathy shag.

    Martin laug ts  works, Jess, he said.

    ? Because if s , it  s a terrible t t your lover is so uns to die. Its a time for self-reflection.

    Yeao spend  feel like holding her hand.

    Youd still end up  say it would be easy.

    Sometimes it  Jess  of us, ill s knoy  to kill myself, and you could tell t JJ and Martin  too. But  , t of t doea, and t on  of your day. alking about sympatercourse and o  see o climb tairs up to t s  killing ourselves, but  oo close to jumping. And yet Jess  of all of us to going over. JJ  come out of tairin   dangling over t  actually nerved o do it. Id never even got as far as t if Martin  sat on Jesss , Im sure of t.

    Lets play a game, said Jess.

    F¡ª off, said Martin.

    It o go on being s  to get to tage  t o an end. But tting used to it made me realize somet made me realize t notins flat, I could look back on myself - t t by a little bit of bad language! Id got older even during t. You get used to t, t youre suddenly different,  you o like t sort of music, even if it  opped, and nots t makes you die inside, and eventually s to make you die on tside too. People s of reasons, I kno one of t be t c life um - kids send you on a journey. Matty and I got stuck at top, though.

    learn to alk, let alone read or e: ayed tayed tayed too. I knos not muc imes in an evening,   for me, somet met Martin on t bounced off me, as if I  on. ell, t t if you flincimes in an evening. It made me here I was drinking whisky and Coca-Cola.

    You kno more? No.

    Miserable bastard, said Jess.

    ell, yes, said Martin. Exactly. Der, as you would say.

    ard. I ing out t, at ticular stage of my life, and indeed on ticular nig;miserablequot; is a very appropriate adjective. I am a very miserable bastard indeed, as I t you would  by now.

    , still? Martin laugill. Even after all tonight.

    o prison? I believe I still een-year-old?

    Regrettably, noto  score. Is my career still in pieces, and am I still estranged from my ce attending a party c kind of malcontent must I be, e wed cher up.

    Really? Is t really and truly ? Yeah.

    I see. A trouble srouble s actually been quartered? t sort of tter.

    Yes. ell, s t supposed to mean? Notter. Your depression ractable. Youre very lucky.

    Unfortunately, JJ is still going to die, Maureen still ill a complete and utter f¡ªing so be   see o  , really? I  seem to mind.  smiled, and said, I guess not.

    I  takes too long.

    And tin sed somet  I didnt  it arting to retc my  as I said, I didnt make it.

    Jesus f¡ªing C, Martin said  used to t sort of s t involves  t .

    JJ  I o regret t sorry o a pretty bad start. ts on top of tart it  off to,   place. Any suddenly ting er, because t passed.

    trut I didnt feel like a dying man; I felt like a man o die, and ts to die feels angry and full of life and desperate and bored and   exed, all at time; s to figs to curl up in a ball and s to say sorry to everyone, and s everyone to kno   believe t dying people feel t . (And  be? Every ot, so s, s one in my handbag.

    say anyttle wly.

    If youre going to be sick again,  couple of yards to tin said.

    Its not t, said Maureen. Its my s on t by tin made in ts only got my keys and t.

    e can find you a mint, if ts .

    Ive got some chewing gum, said Jess.

    Im not muc a bridge ts a bit loose. And I didnt botting it fixed because...

    S finisence. S need to. I t got around to fixing, for obvious reasons.

    So , said Martin. Or you can clean your teet. You can use Pennys toothbrush.

    thank you.

    S to  and t dohe floor.

    am I going to do? About t ion for all of us, but Martin and I looked at Jess for t to come in tion, and  Jess actless enougo ask it.

    t on cue, do you need it? Oions started to penetrate.

    Do you see w I mean? Yes. Yes, I do.

    If you dont kno say so. Cos, you knos a big question, and   to rus if you kno be needing it, t say so now.

    td save us all a trip, see.

    I  ask you to come h me.

    ed  to, said Jess. ouldnt   your keys, you can stay in.

    Dont  them.

    I see, Maureen said. Rig really¡­ I t, I dont knoo put off t it for a few hours.

    OK, Martin said. Fair enougs go back.

    Do you mind? Not at all. It o kill yourself just because you didnt have your handbag.

    to toppers  Id left Ivans moped t before. It  t bad, because  sucs not like alist. oo poor. In fact, ies of a minimum-raffic ligty muche same money.

    I left my car oo, said Martin.

    And ts gone as ion. It o be an act of cy. t be any more of those.

    t it, t in t  until  up t  to da about. It oo, o see seeing tour: St Pauls, the river, Jesss house.

    Its not scary any more, said Martin.

    You reckon? said Jess. he edge? Fucking hell.

    Its a fuck sigter in the dark, if you ask me.

    I didnt mean tin. I meant London. It looks all right.

    It looks beautiful, said Maureen. I cant remember t time I could see so much.

    I didnt mean t eit¡­ I dont knoo go.

    Yeaed to a dinner party, I said. Like you had.

    I didnt knoed out of pity. I didnt belong.

    And you feel included noo feel excluded from. Its just a big city again. Look. hes on his own. And shes on her own.

    Sraffic warden, said Jess.

    Yes, and soday s fe last nigable somewhere.

    itraffic wardens, probably, said Jess.

    And I  V presenters.

    Or perverts, said Jess.

    No. Agreed. I was on my own.

    Apart from t ty, I said. But yeas w for suicides.

    one? Jess asked.

    December st, said Martin.

    Yea popular nig ines Day, said Martin.

    s t? Six s give it anot about t? ell probably all feel terrible on Valentines Day.

    e all stared tfully at t. Six  seem too long. Life could co care for. Or your career ional laugock.

    Dyou know how youll be feeling in six weeks? Maureen asked me.

    Oerminal disease. Life  che fuck did I know how Id be feeling?

    to predict its course - not even me, and I invented it.

    So are o meet again before t¡­ ;;? said Martin. o meet in six  kill ourselves opping you, said Jess.

    Surely t someone is stopping me. ere all stopping eacher.

    Until the six weeks is up, yeah.

    So opping you,quot; t te.

    Listen, said Jess. If you go  your  am I going to do about it? Exactly. So t I? Because if ry and live by t kill ourselves for six  a gang, tever. So are  a gang? Not a gang, said Martin.

    ¡­ Martin clearly ion, o let hough.

    I  felt like I il t moment. And noo t Martin didnt like muc real committed to it.

    But w? I said.

    ell. Youre not, you kno, I sh assholes like you.

    ell, t instructive evening and te ways.

    And die, said Jess.

    Possibly, said Martin.

    And ts ? I said.

    ell, its not a long-ion, I grant you. But Im not giving as o look more attractive recently. Im conflicted, as you people say. Anyway, wo Jess.

    Id got t you didnt care for anyone or anyt t hing.

    Jess t for a moment. You kno up top of tate Building or up a mountain or  bit o save  like t tears off and s  to do.

    You  to co my doom.

    Id like to kno Ive made t. I  to sorn sleeve.

    I didnt knorained Samaritan, said Martin.

    Im not. t my own personal philosophy.

    Id find it easier if  from you tty. I tell Matty.

    Os sake, said Martin. y because en: telling Maureen to go fuck han any of us possessed.

    Its only six op ourselves on Valentines, if it helps.

    Martin s it o indicate defeat rathan refusal.

    ell all live to regret it, he said.

    Good, said Jess. So is everyone all rig? I s  like I ter plan.

    Im not going on beyond six weeks, said Maureen.

    No one in.

    As long as  from tart, said Maureen.

    Noted, said Martin.

    Excellent, said Jess. So its a deal.

    e s out for breakfast. e couldnt to say to eac  seem to mind much.

 Part 2-1

    It didnt take long for to find out. A couple of days, maybe. I airs and asked me o on Ne, Not, ell, t isnt o think. And I was like, Newspapers?

    And ly going to be a story about you and   Martin Sin S of, only met  nig a party, dont know him very well.

    And so Dad goes,  ty is it in S t kind of party t  say anytenterever, kind of t dived in.

    Did I fuck ! tin Sil  the idea.

    It tle s, but o go on t  me. ton/Martin Sable.  for somet? A couple of o be , Id  if I were him.

    . And Im al. If  to sea by now.

    Dad pulled back tain to sneak a look, and t ted to go out and   Dad  let me;  take a mad picture of me, and Id look stupid and regret it.

    And  o do t, and in our position  all and ignore tion? Im not in a position. And , ell, you are,  you are in a position, and I go, Youre in a position not me, and ion too, and  on like t for a  it never c, really. If I  in a position t be interested. In fact, t as t in a position, tion, if you see  sat in my room and read, or got a steady boyfriend, terest. But if I  to bed in Se of no interest. terest.

    after troubled rating isnt murder, is it? Everyone goes ting p they?

    By ing inona-style, bags and clot, not pens and ss. It comes just after ponies and boy bands, and rig I could tell t it  time, and t ed to t better late t I t  o be all over t ter for Mum and Dad to t Id slept in to knoogeterally.  alive, possibly, and even Im making up my mind  ick, it  be suc ty   ing at college, everyone t man in Britain, but it er good, i.e. ts.

    tarted to t t of trouble if Id just given it anotes before Id opened my mout I didnt. I just , Da-ad. And  looked at ter tell me everyt muco tell really. I just  to ty and oo muco drink and  back to s it. And s it, as in end of story? And I , ell, no, ts it as in dot dot dot you dont need to knoails. So , Jesus C, and  down in a chair.

    But  need to say Id slept ried it on, or anyt all like t, but I  quick enougs a cter go sex, but t o be tion sort of t you dont o do exactly  says on t, do you? You can miss t, if you , and ts  it? I dont t before.) But I didnt, did I? And t didnt: before I told  Dad to find out ory in t t, tabloids, sex¡­ I dont kno, to tell you trut much, as usual.

    So Dad got straigalked to old t Id told  and I  to anscV for a fees, and t to see if I could see t bloke, and I could, and  on his own any more.

    And t to get an early edition.  ten years older t.

    And o see, and tIN SERS DAUG.

    So t e and utter fucking e of time.

    JJ  t  time  Jesss background, and I o say t my first reaction  it ty fucking ore, buying some smokes, and Jess and Martin aring at me from ter, and I read the headline and whooped.

    t, got me some strange looks. An Education minister! ! Youve got to understand, talked like s up by a penniless, junkie ed like education itution, somet only te  to.

    But tory, it  quite so funny. I didnt kno Jesss older sister Jennifer. None of us did. Seen and seen; s abandoned near a  do. Jennifer est t  of learning to drive. t kno s ty dark about the whole child-raising scene.

    And t day, it became a  read ticle underneat tion of t I eventually realized o be Maureen and me. And at ticle, tion and a phone number.

    tion  ass tisabloid prose.

    You o give ttle credit, to me, ted of four miserable people, failing dismally to do somet out to do - somet is not, lets be , real o ac C it ory, somet make a fe, you knoo till needed to put it together.

    Ill tell you t trut off on tory a little. It ifying, in an ironic  myself, and t makes sense if you t it. See, one of t  me doy to leave my mark on t I  famous.

    Maybe Im being tle more to it t, but t  of it. Any I o t page of there somewhere.

    So I  of enjoying myself, sitting in my flat, drinking coffee and smoking, taking pleasure from kno I  of famous and completely anonymous, all at time. And t, and I jumped out of my skin.

    ? Is t JJ? A young womans voice.

    ? I ?  tand you on and Martin Sried to kill tand  sentence from eit didnt ion mark at te at the end of mine was a relief, like a sneeze.

    . You pressed the wrong buzzer.

    I dont think I did.

    deny you his address.

    Good point. these people.

    I didnt say it e stupidity of tion to float around.

    S say anytanding out treet, s my patic attempts. I vo to say anotil s away.

    Listen, s kind of reason? I dont kno mig know, you gave eaco go on.

    I dont kno t.

    ty of t? Anyt migional in our quest to find C see it.

    Did Martin S gave you a reason to live, for example? People  to know, if he did.

    I tried to tin  s, but t -lifting rat. And old us t a guest on o someone y-five years, but t   mucher.

    I cant thing, no.

    Im going to leave a card , OK? Ring me alk about this.

    I nearly ran out after emporary center of , I liked being temporary center of my o been too mucly, and t mucer sher.

    So I   television on, and made a cup of tea, and I pre, and tty to t  of tV, and it all started again. It , but I never t Id see any of telepin o explain to me t if I didnt er, t  sure  it mig I didnt tually be using them.

    Ill tell you Gods  trutll make me sound as if I  t see eac t of it. I oo old for too old-faseresting time going to parties and seeing all trange people t it  cill going back to pick Matty up, and I still o live beyond tired of. You mig s of course I am angry. I dont kno. to do , I suppose. And maybe my age, because aug to grumble,   some days - most days - I  to scream and s and break t enoug be stuck  get angry.

    Anyer t Maureen? It is.

    tropolitan Police.

    Oh, hello, I said.

    s t your son rouble in tre on New Years Eve. Sing and sniffing glue and mugging people and so on.

    Im afraid it couldnt . y.

    And youre sure  putting ty on? I even t about t you,  to make absolutely sure t youre telling te trut in case you get into trouble later on.

    or if he was.

    And youre sure  a very good actor? Oive. You see, oo disabled to act.

    But  if ts an act? Only, ts ion. t.

    s tion? I dont knoo be helpful, I suppose.

    ell come to t, madam. Can you account for s on Ne a ce  registered at first.

    t me. I didnt kno. Supposing someone from taken  and used  of thing?

    One of t you dont knoing, and tys blanket? Supposing t out drinking, and took Matty  into a figoing o someone, and t kno   er to get into trouble? ell, you could  someone, craso tually, even in ttle panic I couldnt really see  even so! t  t , I suppose. I  been  been ed to leave him for ever.

    I  er.

    Ah. I see.

    ly safe.

    Im sure   talking about y, are we?

    ere talking about ty of people in tre.

    ood Green! he way up in ood Green! No. Yes. Sorry.

    Are you really sorry? Are you really really really f¡ª sorry? I couldnt believe my ears. I kne I t it  more errorists and suc on to members of tine inquiry. Unless, of course, sress. Could Matty, or wually killed someone?

    A child, maybe?

    Maureen.

    Yes, Im still here.

    Maureen, Im not really a policewoman. Im Jess.

    O my oupidity.

    You believed me, didnt you, you silly old bag.

    Yes, I believed you.

    S s me, so s try to make any more of it.

    look at them.

    ere in them.

    in and I are in t a laug does it say? It says t me and Martin and tery, you know, people .

    ts not true.

    Der. And it says Im ter for Educations daughter.

    say t? Because I am.

    Oh.

    Im just telling you so you kno, for a politicians daughter.

    And a er came round to JJs flat and asked ional reason.

    does t mean? e dont knoo ing.

    .

    I cant go anywhere.

    ? Because of Matty. ts one of the roof.

    Because I can never go anywhere.

    e could come to you.

    I began to flus  them here.

    No, no. Ill ting up? Later on today.

    O be able to sort anyt for today.

    So o you.

    Please dont. I  tidied up.

    So tidy up.

    Ive never elevision in my icians daughter.

    I  put on any airs or graces. ell see you at five.

    And t gave me to sort everyt, put everyt does drive you a little bit mad, a life like mine, I to be a little mad to  to jump off top of a building. You o be a little mad to come dotle mad to put up ty, and taying in all time, and t I do ttle mad. If I   tidying up. And if I   they found.

    MARtIN  I suppose it crossed my mind t my visit to toppers  be of interest to our friends in tabloid press. I  page of treet, for Cs sake, and some

    attempting to fall off a eresting t. old C, I did o sell t as Co me a particularly less individual, I dismissed t Jess , then I could have prepared myself.

    My agent called first tory out to me - I only botelegrap home now.

    Is any of true? he said.

    Bet.

    I o jump from top of a tower-block.

    Gosh.

    My agent is young, pos of prison to find t te unquote reorganization at to make t, is no stands bet  job at FeetUptV!, t cable cive Religion, and . I suspect t ball for Allboys United, if you get my drift, alts neit te teapot end of tency scale.

    I met he living.

    o jump off top of a to was purely whimsical.

    Im sure you must have had a reason.

    I did. I  yourself  events.

    e t urned a corner. Its aloucence on t person plural. Ive  of prison¡­, Since  of boteenage girl¡­quot; If t after a successful suicide attempt, it  Id never get to heo say, Since we killed ourselves¡­ Or, Since our funeral...

    e t wrong.

 Part 2-2

    tive silence.

    ell. Gos? Youre t. Id  tive opportunities.

    Ill tle trying to get  give out personal numbers. Did I do t t t give heres no avoiding him.

    Do you  to call  his number.

    Go on, then.

    o t messages. I  of neit t story; no sick. I o realize an important trut suicide: failure is as ful as success, and is likely to provoke even more anger, because to er it do.  I called Cindy first.  You fucking selfis, she said.

    You dont kno from he paper.

    You seem to be t t bang to rig een-year-old, you reet, you  need to invent stuff for you.

    tually quite an acute observation. S: not once im of misrepresentation or distortion. If you t it, t  ing aspects of t fe about me, and every  rue.

    So Im presuming, s on, t t it rigop of a toention of hurling yourself off.

    And instead you came back doh a girl.

    ts about t of it.

    And  your daug yet. But someone at scell t do you  me to say to talk to them.

    Cindy barked once. ted, intended to be a satirical laugh.

    tell t you , I said. tell t then he cheered up again.

    Brilliant. If  .

    I dont kno see ts not really my problem, is it? Its somet to deal h.

    You bastard.

    And t  ping out t o let me participate in my daug me out in truck me as a restatement of t never mind. It got he phone.

    I dont kno muc  of your ed again. No to protect your kids from loss for as long as possible - to arguing  t o tell ttempted suicide. t t conversation in antenatal classes. Its tance t does it, of course. I got furt smaller and smaller until t tiny dots, and I could no longer see terally or metap make out t tiny dots, so you dont need to  wheyre happy or sad.

    Its er a  be possible if to your eyes every day.

    Penny ill crying when I called her.

    At least t makes more sense, ser a while.

    ? You leaving ty to go up t  o do hing.

    All you kne someo h someone else.

    Exactly. Stle rueful snort. S a bitc all. S-natured, self-deprecating, loving¡­ Sner. Im sorry.

    Im t I? I t amount to anyt all. I mean, t any failures. Youve been fantastic to me.

    oday? I  asked myself t question. Id o um. I  t about killing myself once all morning.

    OK. I  be going up t yet, if ts w you mean.

    ill you talk to me before you do? About all t? Yes. About all t.

    I dont kno doesnt seem like sometalking can fix.

    O fix it. I just dont  to o read about it in the papers.

    You can do better tter than me.

    I dont  to.

    A disagree he premise.

    Ive got enoug to t t be a man somewo h, yes.

    So ry and find  stuff like t¡­ Its sort of not ? os .

    Is it? I  .

    So  me to do? Im not sure theres much you can do.

    ill you call me later? Yes, of course.

    I could promise t much, anyway.

    Everyone - everyone apart from Con, obviously - knoes to anyone  at all: I needed  no door. ly to report on sces for a local paper and no believe te comfortably - four people s and sipping coffee from Styrofoam cups doesnt constitute a media scrum. e all enjoyed though.

    It made me feel important, and it made t tre of a story. I smiled a lot, said Good morning to no one in particular, and batted one of t of th a briefcase.

    Is it true you tried to kill yourself? asked one particularly unattractive woman in a beige mac.

    I gestured at myself, in order to dratention to my superb pion.

    ell, if I did, I clearly made quite a mess of it, I said.

    Do you kno Ministers daugion.

    Ive been a friend of t Neogets anding arose. It  a suicide pact. It y. tirely different things.

    I o enjoy myself a little. I  sorry ing, at enormous expense, to replace t  as if I knees, t of my day : Con called on my mobile to invite me over for a c; and tly afterelepo inform me t o visit Maureen. I didnt mind. I o do.

    Before I knocked on Jesss door, I sat in tes and examined my conscience. t confrontation Id ly after my ill-advised and, as it turned out, illegal sexual encounter een years and  days old, and, let me tell you, te a difference). tation , t in Gibson Square - not, needless to say, because Danielles fato a ation, but because side ing for me as I tried to sneak . It  a particularly fruitful meeting, not least because I tried to raise tal responsibility ried to  me. I still t.  een-year-old doing snorting cocaine in ts toilets of Melons nig  a.m. on a tuesday morning?

    But ty t, if I  been so forceful in t o tation and made a complaint about my relationser.

    time, I t Id try to avoid t particular line of argument. I could see t t of parental responsibility ogetoucon  eenage girl missing, possibly dead, and ts. And anyirely clear. tact I  on  irely non-sexual reasons. In fact, t only non-sexual, but selfless. heroic, even.

    Con, unfortunately,  prepared to greet me as a  offered a o ary researc, apparently - I s Jesss surname and paste - Mr Cric ers appearance in tabloids o do ried to point out t I o do very  of it all. Id just stood up to go when Jess appeared.

    I told you to stay upstairs.

    Yeas just t I stopped being seven a ? errified of  straig enoug to he fear behind a dry world-weariness.

    Im a politician. No one ever tells me anyt.

    s it got to do o  it together.

    Yea, you stupid old bastard.

    talks to me,  me mournfully, as if my long relationso intercede on his behalf.

    Ill bet youre regretting t to go private, arent you? Im sorry? Very admirable and all, sending o t, you kno  a bit less t.

    Jesss sc circumstances, said Cricy-one per cent of Jesss year got grade C or above at GCSE, up eleven per cent on the year before.

    Excellent. t must be a great consolation to you. e bot Jess, whe finger.

    t is, you is, said tten t Jess felt about long  racists feel about black people: sed ted to send thy look.

    Firstly, seen. And secondly, I sat on o stop

    not al, but it  least practical. Im sorry I didnt e you a full report at the evening.

    Did you sleep  your business, Dad? I  . I  going to get involved in an argument about Jesss rigo a private sex life.

    Absolutely not.

    Oi, said Jess. You dont o say it like t.

    Like hing. You should be so lucky.

    I value our friendsoo muco complicate it.

    ha ha.

    Are you going to maintain a relationserms.

    I t.

    Listen, pal. I came  be. But if youre going to talk to me like t, Ill fuck off  brigtle: triking back against the Roman invader.

    Im sorry. But you knoory no doesnt make things easy for me.

    makes things easy for me, said Jess.

    Its on o make an effort.

    Yea.

    So  any ideas¡­ t problems of my own.

    Der, said Jess. e were wondering where.

    I appreciate t, Martin. rained to use first names s, to s e. I  you. I can see youve made some, some urns in your life¡­ Jess snorted.

    But I dont think youre a bad man.

    thank you.

    ere in a gang, said Jess. Arent in? e are, Jess, I said,  I husiasm. ere friends for ever.

    sort of gang? said Crichton.

    ere going to c for eac in? e are, Jess. If my o cra and out of my mouto wheyd come from.

    So you is after all? Im not sure its t sort of gang, I said.  quot;tis gangquot;¡­ Doesnt sound very toug?  are o do? Beat up terfamiliases? You fucking s up and you fucking s up, Jess said, to Cricively.

    My point is, said Cric youre going to be around.

    hes promised, Jess said.

    And Im supposed to feel reassured by t.

    You can feel  Im not reassuring anyone about anything.

    You and? Sort of, said Jess.

    I dont need to spell out  Jess, and  o kno t looking out for her.

    Jess sniggered unhelpfully.

    I kno be¡­ Youre not exactly¡­ Some of tabloids would...

    you sleeping een-year-olds, said Jess.

    Im not being intervie  it, and if you co give it to me, ts your lookout.

    All I  you to say is t if you see Jess getting o serious trouble, try to prevent it, or youll tell me about it.

    o, said Jess. But  broke.

    ? Because say o keep an eye on me and Id gone into some club or somet let ¡­ ell ell  because you oo mean to stump up.

    I suddenly sa: a ains lo-rated cable tV station not only focuses t stimulates empation. Jess slumped lifeless in a toilet, all for ty quid¡­ It oo gly to contemplate, if you contemplated in t spirit.

    ? Cric out a sigion ed to lead to t.

    I dont  anything, I said.

    Yes, you do, said Jess. Yes he does.

    cost to get into a club, ton asked.

    You can get through a hundred quid, easy, said Jess.

    A ing ourselves for t dinner for two?

    I dont doubt you can quot;get t; a  trying. But  need to quot;get t; anyt  be stopping at toilet.

    So  o you.

    ts nice, after   you ers to spare.

    Jess, ts not fair.

    t door slammed some and ton and I  staring at eacher.

    I  badly,  I? I sorting money s every time s, or sorms out. And I can see t migtle¡­ you knoing. Given tory.

    Ill give s, every time s, he said.

    Please go and find her.

    I left t the drive.

    Ill bet you got double w we were asking for, sion Jen.

    You  believe t t in my  o Jen o do ell, from talking to t no one else sa t  it: your sister disappeared, so you  to jump off a building. But it isnt like t. Im sure it must , sort of t it  tti Bolognese, omatoes. Maybe the onions.

    Or even just t s t or ta.

    Everyone reacts to somet in different  they?

    Some people art support groups and all t; I knorying to introduce me to some fucking group or anotly because t up by someone  dourn tV on and c ty years.

    Me, I just started messing around. Or ratime job,  t.

    Before I go on, Ill ansions t everyone al sos you dont sit t concentrating on w Im saying.

    No, I dont kno feel like, er? I can tell you. You kno concentrate on anyt feels like t all time, every day.

    t from: Do I kno I didnt understand t tions . And tand, I t t tion upid. Like,  Id go and look for  noand it as being a more poetic question. Cos, really, its a ing poems on a Scottisravelling tralia? So  I ttle toell people, except of course I dont kno Jen or about me.

    Oure,  us and urned out for us: dont sit around o pop up later on, to rescue me. S come back, OK? And  find out s about it. ell, dont forget about ant. But forget about t sort of ending. Its not t sort of story.

    Maureen lives oppers isotle poky streets full of old ladies and teac knoeac t of bikes around - bikes and recycling bins. Its s, recycling, isnt it? I said to Martin, and  tired. And I asked ed to kno . Just like  ed to kno in a cty mood, I suppose.

    It  me and Martin in t  a lift  past . JJ probably , I ted to talk because I  probably made me say stupid tupid is ts not stupid to say France is s. Its just a bit abrupt or  of ramp up to my sentences to eboard dohem.

    I  o meet Matty, and Im sort of not good s not t, because I kno rigo an education and bus passes and t; its just t turn my stomac. Its all t o pretend t like you and me  talking disabled like people w one leg, say.

    t. Im talking about t rigop, and s, and make funny faces. heyre like you and me?

    OK, I s and make funny faces, but I kno of time I do, anying, is the place.

    to be fair to tys pretty quiet.  of so disabled t its OK, if you knos t of vies probably better, alt from s probably not muc  of vie one, ts got to be mine t counts,  it? e tall, and  cus uffed up beo stop .  look at you or anyt get too freaked out. You forget er a  I would. Fucking hough.

    Poor old Maureen. Ill tell you, you   roof. No way.

    JJ   no one looked like eacended to be pleased to see eacea, and Martin and JJ asked e questions about Matty. I just looked around a bit, because I didnt  to listen. Sidied up, like so. t not from telly and to sit on. It , I got t s and taken t make out marks on t tin o stop looking around and start joining in. e o make.

    JJI didnt  to go to Maureens place in and Jess because I needed time to tervies in t, but t guys otally psyc t tional lady¡­ Man, I didnt kno t t my address in ty-four , t couldnt t ain, just in case one day any of t migeresting.

    Anyally paranoid. If sed to, s about tes. And t a  t I  dying of anyt to myself. Plus, s t t dying of ent.

    In ot enougo trouble. I took a bus up to Maureens, and on to come clean, tell t everyt like it, fuck em. But I didnt  t it in the papers.

    It took us a  used to ttys breat took a lot of effort. e rying to figure out  roof.

    Jess, said Martin. You ed us to meet.  you call us to order? OK, s. e are gatoday...

    Martin laughed.

    Fucking ence. s funny about t? Martin shook his head.

    No, come on. If Im so fucking funny, I  to know why.

    Its pers something more usually said in church.

    there was a long pause.

    Yea. t er.

    in asked.

    Maureen, you go to c you? Jess said.

    I used to, said Maureen.

    Yearying to make Maureen feel comfortable.

    Very tful of you.

    o fuck up everytin. I can almost smell the incense.

    Rigart it off then, you fucking...

    ts enoug of my son.

    Martin and I looked at eac it o point out the obvious anyway.

    In front of your son? But hes...

    I  got CCR, I said. It  needed saying, but I ended to give myself a little more preparation time.

    ting for to dump on me.

    Os fantastic! It took me a minute to realize t in t only found a cure for CCR during tmas  delivered it to my front door in time between New Years Eve and January nd.

    Im not sure ts quite in.

    No, I said. t.

    No! Bastards.

    ors. At Maureens hem. Supposing youd jumped?

    And t it  really o be this hard?

    Im not sure e saying t, eitin.

    No, I said. Ill try and be as clear as possible: t no suc dying of it. I made it up, cos¡­ I dont knoly cos I ed your sympatly because I didnt tand h me. Im sorry.

    You tosser, said Jess.

    ts awful, said Maureen.

    You arsehole, said Jess.

    Martin smiled. telling people you  is probably rigeen-year-old, so . Plus, itled to a little moral superiority, because  t ed: o top of toppers  over t go over, but, you kno about offing myself first and terwards. Id become an even bigger asshole since New Years Eve, which was kind of depressing.

    So w? Jess asked.

    Yes, said Martin.  tempting to simplify? It just¡­ I dont knoraigin and to Matty.

    asnt straig Cions.

    Yea¡­ No offense, but you so. Didnt really matter w you said.

    So  kno.

    Oand depression, said Martin. ere all depressed.

    Yea mine seemed too¡­ too fucking vague. Sorry, Maureen.

    curse?  possible? t o put a fuck. Ill tell you ers. If t  into towers.

    , if youre a  so admirable. Maybe t zombies.

    try us out, said Martin. ere understanding people.

    OK. So t version is, all I ever ed to do was be in a rocknroll band.

    Rocknroll? Like Bill s? said Martin.

    No, man. ts not¡­ Like, I dont knoones. Or¡­ t rocknroll, said Jess. Are theyre rock.

    OK, OK, all I ed to do ones, or, or¡­ Crusty music, said Jess. S being rude. S clarifying my terms.

 Part 2-3

    ever. Jeez. And a fe up for good. And soon after , I lost my girl. She was English.

    ts why I was here.

    there was a silence.

    ts it? said Jess.

    ts it.

    ts patic. I see  crap about t be in a band t sounds like tones? Id be te. Id ratill like them in America? No one does here.

    ts Mick Jagger, isnt it, tones? Maureen asked. te good,  t sitting ing stale Custard Creams like JJ, is  before Cmas, said Maureen. Maybe I didnt put t tin properly.

    I arting to think we were losing focus on my issues.

    tones ts kind of not important. t  like an illustration. I just meant¡­ songs, guitars, energy.

    eig got any energy.

    I sain. t England lost to Germany in ties. A cook a  of tening to t of energy then.

    y then, said Jess.

    ill you s t presume t every time I speak I say fuck, fucking or motrying to tell you about my whole life.

    No ones stopping you, said Jess. But youve got to make it more interesting. ts alk about biscuits.

    OK, all rig graduate from  s gone, and I didnt make a cent out of it, and Im looking at a life of flipping burgers.

    Jess snorted.

    No sounds funny, ;flippingquot; instead of¡­ you know w.

    I dont t quot;flippingquot; like quot;flipping ;, said Martin. I t flipping as in turning ts .

    Oh, said Jess.

    And Im  will kill me.

    mind

    y   and frustrated and, and¡­ See,  you t doesnt¡­  are you supposed to do  all?  it,  to go, and, and it  used to eat me up even age or recording like every minute of times it felt like I needed to be, ot to go. e used to arted up on to tle like Moto;I Got Your Backquot;, ogetoget usually do, and it ribute to our friends and bla  album and it es and ty seconds long and no one really noticed it, I mean, people ice it. But arted playing it live, and it kind of got longer, and Eddie  t solo. It  like a rock guitar solo; it  knois Mayfield or Ernie Isley migimes, er like a year or t got to be ten-, te sopper. And  or close  or stick it in t, and to me it became t felt like surfing, or, or ural  feeling maybe a imes a year, and not many people get it even once in ts y to create t routinely, , as part of my  I t it, I can see  dying of some fucking disease, sorry again. Because ts  feels like. Im dying of some disease t dries up all t makes you feel alive, and¡­ Yeain. You seem to ted t about o kill yourself.

    ts it, I said. t dries up all the blood in your veins.

    ts just in. Its called quot;getting olderquot;. I felt like t even before Id been to prison. Even before I slept  girl. Its probably o t.

    No, I get it, said Jess.

    Yeaic ion, like a tennis player ackno cord. You t you o be someone, but nos obvious youre nobody. You  got as mucalent as you t you  no skills and no education, and no forty or fifty years of nots pretty s  you got noake a lot longer to kill you. Youve got th, or a quick merciful one.

    She shrugged.

    S. S it.

    I  if Jess  gone to toilet. But you cant stop people going to toilet, can you? I  never occurred to me t shed be nosing around where she had no business.

    Supid face, ers.

    In one er of ter of tballer.

    So when? she said.

    I stood up and sed at  t yours! Id never  it of you, ss . Youre a dyke highs. Kinky.

    hs.

    It ypical of Jess, I t. Sion, ion at all.

    Do you even know whese people are? she said.

    ttys, ters, not mine.  kno t ts  said on ter, but I didnt really kno it ty to tractive young  age no t I only caug name, Paddy. I took advice from Jo to ure for my lad next time  to a game.  a great big picture of Paddy celebrating a goal, and  even  paying for it, but t a little aerwards.

    For some reason tle lad, ten or take o a game. And sometimes on Sunday mornings, urday, ty aking it, and sometimes y back from to  sometimes you o admit to yourself and to everyone else, tty. tioned Arsenal again after t. I dont miss t on a Sunday morning. ts of good reasons to lose your faith.

    I cers t Jess apes and tball boots and ter games and trendy address books. (Address books! Dear God! Of all t spell it out.

    I can put a tape on for ening to it, but o fill an address book  even got one of my os of ceenage life in there.

    to decorate his bedroom.

    , and ill slept in a nursery - cloains, bunny rabbits on ting for  kno looked terrible, and I  done anyt it because it made me too muc  o  groo replace ts h?

    , so perrains and rocket sballers  sort of t of course  kno t,  t knos  o do? Everytending,  it? t  make-believe  te, get a plain pair of curtains. t elling  I kne trying to . But t stop? Does t mean you can never buy -s , or a picture, because  make any sense of pictures? And  of colours, or patterns? And it goes  saying t talking to  ending, so end   properly?

    In t for trains on tains, and your man from Star ars on ter t I started buying comics every no to see . And curday morning television togettle bit about pop singers  like, and sometimes about tV programmes c one of t tending to move on doesnt c it  it, ? And any to see Matty, in a strange sort of a  must be er for EastEnders: t say to t does t does en to, ball team does ? ts  t of pop music ell tter to act surprised.

    Most distant family members  o. All t  t  all t rig  to knoer and t c grateful to be told o do. Matty took over t, in the end.

    You know uff everywhere.

    It doesnt matter o Matty.

    O do as youre told and put tin. Put t out. c to be? One day, I t, Ill learn to say t for myself.

    MARtIN  Mattys posters  mentioned again t day. e  Jess  JJ and I couldnt express ty: Jess set t you  ter, as in so many ot  staying quiet on t because ed being made to stay quiet, o mind.

    You cant stand your dad, can you? I asked her.

    No, course not. osser.

    But you live ick it, man? JJ asked her.

    Cant afford to move out. Plus t a cleaner and cable and broadband and all t.

    Ao be young and idealistic and principled! I said. Anti-globalization, pro-cleaner, eo be lectured by you they worry.

    Aarily cened. Looked at in a certain ligion could be summarized as folloly imprisoned for ed a fatal disease because to do so saved ime, trouble and face eenager for ing to be at s. I made a note to put aside some time later so t I could synopsize it differently.

    e o  your sister, said Maureen.

    Yea didnt erday, did it? e o Jess simply meant t sil s thrown off again.

    Got used to it now.

    have you? I asked.

    Sort of...

    Must be a strange to o get used to.

    Bit.

    Dont you t it all time? JJ asked her.

    Cant alk about o be talking about? , exactly? About o do. About t.

    Do hink so, said JJ.

    t about us soon, you knos only because fuck all  the year.

    if   to forget about us? said Jess.

    to remember? I asked her.

    e could make some dosd be someto do.

    o do? I dunno. I just¡­ I get t . t people erested in us.

    Youre mad.

    Yealy. ts ed in me. I could even play it up a bit, if you like.

    Im sure t  be necessary, I said quickly, on beire population of Britain. Youre fine as you are.

    Jess smiled sly, surprised by t compliment. tin. So are you. And you - t to knoo kno pizzas and all t. And Maureen could tell everyone about  it is living ty. See,  some secret superpower.

    Yea on. I he superpower of delivering pizzas.

    And Maureen he superpower of a disabled son.

    ell, all rig, you knohing.

    A;t;. Le mot juste, as ever.

    Jess sco oo besotted by o  me  my knoill  decided ually top ourselves - t.

    And if ually sold tV rigo Valentines Nigurn it into a Big Brot for ted to go over, said JJ.

    Jess looked dubious. I dont kno t, s you kno papers and t, Martin. e could make some money, couldnt o you t Ive rouble s al you, isnt it? said Jess.  about if t for us? But ory? said JJ. tory. e  up, s it. People must do t all time.

    Ive been t t if hing? said Jess.

    Like o  if ly.  Yeah.

    I didnt see an angel, said Maureen.   a spiritual experience for financial gain.

    ts terrible, said Maureen, if only because it ed of her.

    Its not really inventing, is it? said Jess.  No? In ually see an angel?   do you call it in poems?  Im sorry?   You knoure. Sometimes you say sometimes you say sometever.

    Similes and metaphors.

    Yealy. Sed t s why he was a genius.

    No.

    , then?  Never mind.

    So w did ime.

    OK. Any; even if youre not actually a prick. As in a penis. Obviously.

    Maureen looked close to tears.  Oh, for Gods sake, Jess, I said.

    Sorry. Sorry. I didnt kno grammar and t.

    e do.

    Rig;You are a pigquot; w a pig.

    Metaphor.

    Exactly. e didnt literally see an angel. But  of did metaphorically.

    e sort of metaped JJ.  disbelief t now.

    Yeaurned us back. Somet an angel? Because t one.

    OK,  see one. But you could say t anything was an angel.

    Any girl, anyway. Me, or even Maureen.

    Any girl could be an angel. JJ again.

    Yeah. Because of angels. Girls.

    he Angel Gabriel, for example? No.

    ell, he - he - was an angel.

    Yea patience.

    is t  see an angel, literally or metapally, seeing sometapever t means, is not tand it, is s not embelliss talking bulls, sorry, Maureen. to be , Id keep to yourself. I  tell anyone about t even tional press.

    But say if  on telly and get a co, you knoared at her.

    ts sort of up to us, isnt it? o argue o find a ented ourselves ernoon ended  t as ters of us  really enjoyed our brief moment of media exposure,  interest in our mental o do noter I got  told  Id seen an angel.

    t in :  up the fucking wall.

    off on one for about ten minutes. But I kne, because Dad ansin never said anyto o Dad, tory  needed to stick to our guns, and as long as , ed to  oo good an idea to e,  it? And t, o it in t of. And for me, it  big test as a group. traigo make: ? And to be , if t t, I doubt   t good.

    I admit I  sneaky. First of all I asked JJ to see  morning, and old me  I  making conversation, but I t it mig some stage. And t o old they gave me her mobile number.

    S s t   serested and encouraging, really. If s as a journalist, Id say it  soo encouraging, if anytoo believing and trusting. Youd expect a good journalist to be all, you knorut I could old ten it doween you and me.

    So s did t, to s we were friends.

    Id t about tupid to say  .

    Not , I said. And Linda , , no  decision.

    I laug, No, he looked all modern, and she was like, Really?

    (I alalking about . But , its a drag, isnt it? Like, , like, . So Im going to do it like a play from no so good on speecever, but I can remember plays from reading t sching.

    LINDA: A band? hich band?

    ME: I dont know. Radio.

    LINDA: hy Radiohead?

    (You couldnt say anyt ion. I said Radio look like anyt blokes, arent t kno film?  t married to Jennifer Lopez,  matt.

    LINDA: tt Damon?

    ME: Yea.

    LINDA: So. A t Damon.

    ME:  all t, Matt Damon. But, yeah.

    LINDA: And whis angel?

    ME: hen?

    LINDA: Yes, o jumping were you?

    ME: O t minute.

    LINDA: oanding on the ledge? All of you?

    ME: Yeao go over toget of tanding to eac. And o do One, this voice behind us.

    LINDA: You must ened out of your s.

    ME: Yea  fall off.

    ME: Yeah.

    LINDA: So you all turned around¡­ ME: Yeaurned around, and  was he wearing?

    ME: Just a sort of¡­ Like a baggy suit, sort of te suit. Quite fas  him back a few quid.

    LINDA: A designer suit?

    ME: Yeah.

    LINDA: tie?

    ME: No. No tie.

    LINDA: An informal angel.

    ME: Yea-casual, anyway.

    LINDA: And did you knoely  a human man?

    ME: Oh, yeah.

    LINDA: how?

    ME:  tuned in properly. And you could see rig see .

    You could just see like the roof.

    LINDA: how high?

    ME:  sares tall. But re above the ground.

    LINDA: So  t tall?

    ME: tres above then.

    LINDA: So  tall.

    ME: tres. ever.

    LINDA: So  were above your heads.

    ME: (Becoming fucked off  metres, but trying not to s) to begin  t of  t , and . I got t  done any  rusty.

    (I  making tuff up as I  along. I mean, you kno up. But seeing as  t t I , anyway.)  LINDA: Amazing.  ME: Yea really was.  LINDA: So w did he say?

    ME:  jump. But  very peacefully.

    Calmly. ell ?

    ME: Not in so many  you could  out.  LINDA: Because of the inner wisdom.

    ME: Yea sort of air about  God personally. It s all he said?

    ME: ime  come yet. Go back do and joy. And tell t upid.

    hing I personally believe.

    (t last bit, t,  part of the play.

    Im just giving you extra information, so you can get a better picture of tend to spread t message?  ME: Yeas one of t to do tervieerrorists or  God is not a  t.  side of things.

    LINDA: Im sure our readers  very t-provoking.

    And you all sa?

    ME: O miss him.

    LINDA: Martin S?

    ME: O¡­  more than any of us.

    (I didnt quite kno meant, but I could tell it ant to  Martin was involved.) LINDA: So now w?

    ME: ell. eve got to  o do.

    LINDA: Of course. ill you be talking to any other newspapers?

    ME: Oely.

    I . I got o five grand in to promise t so speak to everybody, though.

    JJ  It didnt seem like it o be too difficult, at first. OK, none of us  Jess  us into t it didnt seem  over. ed grit our teetake try and forget it ever  t day youre sitting in front of a journalist, and youre all agreeing raig tt Damon, and loyalty seemed like t of all tues. It  like you could just go tions, eito  just say, Yeaever. Seeing an angel is clearly a big deal, so youve got to act like its a big deal, ement and open-mouts o do open-moutted teet stuff, kind of. But because s, s trouble iently and sloal soul, Its for five thousand pounds.

    to sit for Matty, and  Linda in t on Neaken - mostly group ss, but took one or tside, ing at t end up using t a little, and one of us  do it at all. And ter t, Linda asked us questions.

    It in ser -  Martin So say t an angel   Martin So say, I AM A ACKO -OFFICIAL - s-page story. Martin kne, too, so o alk-s ual in telling Linda t  Sidney Carton guy in A tale of ties going to tine so t in  to er good. t Sidney guy, ty, so  Martin just looked pissed off.

    Jess did all talking to begin  tired of arted to ask Martin questions directly.

    So , because of being out of practice, but t level.

    Martin o put  on things more embarrassing for him.

    So in, in repeated.

    e didnt too stunned.

    ts rigin.

    But you must  somet was only, Bloody  o Rise and Sin. She chuckled encouragingly.

    ell, said Martin. I  been presenting t ime asking him.

    Youve got your cable shough.

    Yes.

    So maybe . She chuckled encouragingly again.

    e tend to book mainly suff. Stand-up comedians, soap stars¡­ tsman.

    So youre saying you  arted tioning, Linda seemed kind of reluctant to let it drop.

    I dont know.

    You dont knos not David Letterman, your s? Its not like people are so get on it.

    e do all right.

    I couldnt  s of tory. An angel - possibly like an emissary from ted a toop us all from killing ourselves, and sed to knoalk s kno ions nearer terview.

    person on t wed ever heard of, anyway.

    Youd in. ticular angel? tt Damon? Ive heard of angels, she said.

    ell, Im sure youve resses, said Martin. eve oo.

    e a piece about  a guest on Martins s ? Usually  call ;t;, said Jess. But¡­ ould you mind if Martin ansions? Youve some said very much.

 Part 2-4

    Martins t most people will have heard of, said Linda.

    Martin? Is t ;t;, said Martin.  ried to kill himself.

    Can I just cin, didnt you? Martin sed in . You could tell ing around t to make sure t tes hed overlooked.

    Oin. I saw . he was¡­ he was awesome.

    And , o t Linda  large o poke sticks at  o sit take it, like an ex in a freak show.

    But t morning, to one of only tists. OK, strictly speaking, telling trut looked like Matt Damon, o old us to get do I got to say, I dont kno-aunt Ida, s too.

    And I dont kno to me it seemed a long  mortgages and relations stuff, all t constitute a regular life,

    put ourselves someo a guy o a guy  money o o last us for t of our lives, unless  time ake pos.

    Just over to see Big Yelloed in ing us, and y-six montting around in trying to persuade us, you knoting around aking part in a patic attempt to squeeze a fe of someone o give it to us, so long as o totally embarrass ourselves. One t couple of years aug t fuck up if you try hard enough.

    My only consolation  I didnt  for a feo t t type to read Lindas paper. And some of t t see a copy lying around someion, and t tion.

    So t just left Lizzie, and if sure of me looking insane, t. You knoo be a rocknroll star after all. Can you fucking believe t?

    No you cant, because its beyond belief, and therefore unbelievable.

    Stiness, t  t point in time, you kno it   o see , if I could be temporarily invisible, t ter robbing a bank and going into t tuff, is put t of c.

    See, I didnt kno anyt I kne I didnt.

    I didnt to go back to ter tervie it a bit, t terribly, and I  at t go to confession - sneaked out some once Id told Linda t Id seen an angel, I kne Id o keep a I  be able to go back before I died. I didnt knoly ted, but I  sins involving making up angels al.

    I still t I o kill myself ervieings, and I suppose t took my mind off t all t felt like last-minute activity, as if I o get done before I  on

    round to it.

    I o say t I sa little glimmer of lig day, tervie it  really like t. It o cV; and I o look foro it, and ticed t t migeresting. I dont kno you, but c al. You can end up flicking betc know elevision cope.

    after terviealking to JJ. o , and I op, and oget sure ed to, really, because  it uations wopped for me.

    t ?  I  difficult.

    I e lies, I said.

    me and laug his lie.

    No offence, I said. I lied too. I lied about to Matty, as  going to a party on Neo te home.

    Godll forgive you for ttle bit more, and t I could tell,   take to c ¡­ you knoing to End It All.

    I didnt knoo say.

    If you could make a deal ting table from you. And   you to stay put, on Eart can o persuade you?  can we offer you? Gods asking me personally?   Yeah.

    If  o offer me anything.

    Really? If God in e ed me to stay on Eart God.

    of¡­ I dont kno of cosmic, you kno. Or Prime Minister. tony Blair. Someone  o do ony Blair says  asking for someturn.

    Can ty? Nope. hings.

    Id like a holiday.

    God. Youre a ce. Youd co live out t of your natural life for a o go abroad. Ive never been.

    Youve never been abroad?  as t I was.

    time you  before Matty was born.

    And een.

    OK. ell, as your manager, Im going to be asking two.

    You cant do t! I really felt scandalized. I can see noaking it all too seriously, but it felt real to me, and it seemed like a oo much.

    trust me, said JJ. I kno. Cosmic tony  blink an eye.

    Come on, hing else.

    Say ime to  for it, you kno going to get anotment ony. You got one s. Everyt, youve got to ask for in one go.

    A job.

    You  a job? Yes. Of course.

    kind of job? Anyto get me out of the house.

    I used to ty ioners in tufnell Park. I liked it; I liked all t pens, and sizes of paper and envelopes. I liked my boss. I  worked since.

    OK. Come on, come on.

    Maybe a bit of a social life. times. Like pub quizzes, but not in to  one of those.

    Yep, we can allow you a quiz.

    I tried to smile, because I kne, but I ion  really t annoyed me. And it made me feel afraid, in a strange sort of a   youd never seen before in your own house.

    ould you  to kno I . I didnt  to carry on talking about me.

    about you? I said to JJ.  o Cosmic tony?  sure, man.  a man. You get used to it. Maybe, I dont kno fifteen years all over again or somet about music. Become to settle for o be, you kno Cosmic tony cant arrange t.

    No. Exactly.

    So youre ony can do t not for you.

    No, no, s, Im sorry, Maureen. I didnt mean to imply t. You s your fault, and everyts o me is just cos of my oupidity, and¡­ tioned it.

    But I  sorry. I liked t Cosmic tony muc God.

    MARtIN  ture of me flat on my face outside a nightclub - read FOR hARPS - SEE ShARP.

    tory did not, as Linda  ery of our experience on t co concentrate on anotifying and amusing lunacy of a former television personality. t in me suspects t s tory about right.

    does t mean? Jess asked me on t morning.

    Its an old lager ad, I said.  quot;AYS S;.

    to do  the lager was harp. And my names Sharp, you see.

    OK. t  to do o play them.

    Are to make it more convincing? I told , in my opinion, tion of a o trait of tt Damon t o s auticity.

    And any you? e  a fucking mention.

    I  morning - from t t of interest in tory, and alking to t e spiritual moment; from Penny, o meet and talk; and from my daughters.

    I  been alloo speak to t Cindys maternal instinct old  talking about seeing messengers from God o reinstate contact.

    Did you see an angel, Daddy? No.

    Mummy said you did.

    ell, I didnt.

    ter ask her.

    Mummy, iently ook place ahe receiver.

    S say it. S.

    I told a fib, sie. to make some money.

    Oh.

    So I can buy you a nice birt.

    O money for saying you saell you anotime.

    Oh.

    And t not for very long. During our brief conversation I managed to refer to t types of domesticated female animals.

    I also received a p FeetUp. o tell me t I was fired. Youre joking.

    I  me ernative.

    By doing ly?  s a problem for you? You come across as a bit of a nutter, to be ,   about ty for tive, in my book.

    You tive publicity for FeetUp?   ing cogs of poor Declans mind turning over.

    A  occurred to me.

    Im not going to beg, Dec. But it tle perverse to me.

    You ime of day.

    And t. ers are all over today? No, no, fair point, fair point. I can see ly, is t ty for a¡­ a fledgling cable channel.

    Obviously I couldnt  it as elegantly as t. But yes, ts t of it.

    OK. Youve turned me round, S on ternoon? ternoon? Yeas thursday.

    Ah.

    ten? I sort of had, really, yeah.

    So  no one? I reckon I could get JJ, Maureen and Jess to come on.

    hree.

    tory? I only read t you seeing the angel.

    th me.

    Up o kill myself. And to top of a to a long story s, told us to come down again.

    Fuck me.

    Exactly.

    And you reckon you can get t sure of it.

    Jesus C. , dyou reckon? t, and er.

    Go on, t. Fuck the expense.

    top man, Dec I ts a good idea. Im pleased . Old Declans still got it, eoo righe Baskervilles.

    youve got to tell yourself, I told t no one ching.

    ts one of your old pro tricks, right? said JJ knowingly.

    No, I said. Believe me. Literally no one c anyone who has ever seen my show.

    ters of FeetUptV! - knoably, to its staff as titsUptV! - is in a sort of son. tains a small reception area, tudio,  ternoon o tionist, to take o be passing tter A mean anyto you, Asif ? and so on. ternoons are taken up by tapes of old dog races from time tention o offer vieo bet, but not, and in my opinion, if you cant bet, ts appeal. During t talking to eac text ts more or less it. Declan runs tation on beerious Asian businessman, and tUptV! can only presume t someoo obtuse and sopicated for us to deciprafficking of class A drugs and c t encoded messages to traffickers: if, say, tside lane  is a message to tact t een-year-olds first t, anyway.

    My guests on Send to be old friends o do someto ies in a boat not dissimilar to my o. Some  s ed, but most s had-beens.

    Candy-Ann, D J GoodNe just once, but several times, in order to give vie to knotle better. (Sment, namely Karen on reception, does its best, errupted by messages from our sponsors. tical viecional surface.) Attracting people of tituted somets appeared on t the newspapers.

    I took pride in my intervieill do, but at a time o do noto my competence in a studio as I o a tree root on time, intervieors at eigballers at eigicians to tell sometruto cope ably verbose, and not once  tudio sofa  tolerate any e FeetUptV! mont talking to nobodies and never-o say and no ability to say it, it ing to t tent. So ed accordingly, I suffered somet I ; I o be a little less pompous, a little more relaxed. true, I o talk about an unforgettable experience t t  ed, t imaginary unforgettable experience erous. And yet, despite ts, I ed a higher level of professionalism.

    I dont ate my case; its not bloody rocket science, doing a tV intervieo your guests beforeional course, remind tes and, in ts about tions  to discuss, as provided by Jess in ervie tt Damon, ed above te suit. Dont fuck about s, I told t into a mess. So ely? I ask JJ ells me t tional t-s for t, Jess V, and o synopsize at considerable length.

    If  stick to t, I said. Lots of people have seen hile You ere Sleeping. Very few people have seen an angel.

    Fuck off. No ones ching. You said.

    t  one of my old pros tricks.

    ell be in trouble no said quot;Fuck offquot;. Youll get loads of complaints for t.

    I t our vieed enougo kno extreme experiences sometimes produce extreme language.

    Good. Fuckofffuckofffuckoff. Sic  Maureen, and to t traged people of Britain.

    Anyc a very extreme experience.

    e alking about t Sandra Bullock.

    angel? And so on, and on, until Declan ics lady and uso treet and, in my case, out of a job.

    Someone se a song or somethey fuck you up, your mum and dad.

    they do. Especially your dad.

    ts  like me saying t if it  for me and Jen, no one ion - ts tary of State. ters, and  ter,  all. So  of a loser politician, really. You  mind if

    about Iraq or  ;  old to say, and it still doesnt do him much good.

    Most people  ties to someone, and t rope can be s or it can be long. (Be long. Belong. Get it?) You dont kno your cies o Matty and its about six incs killing ins rope ties o ers, and, like a stupid dog,  isnt to a niger a girl, up a building,  brings  and cs surprised, and t day. I tied to talking about, to be in th.

    And Im learning t Im tied to Jen, and not to my mum and dad - not to  sied to too, Im sure of it. S safe, just because ss, so s il so t or off to texas  s jerked back by t t one. S tied to Jen no Jen isnt solid, like a ing, blo she?

    Any oands t.

    Sing anytill a mess because of Jen, and ses Dad, and s Dad really t itled to somet sicles t people ing about er e, as if it was any of my business. And I was like, So?

    Resign. Or dont. ever. o talk to a career adviser, not a daughter.

    It  as if  so really try and do it straig time, but tervie on my tits, so I told  all up to earn a feupid brain-dead old bags in t , no one ed to speak to us any more. e  to entertain ourselves. It  too hard. I had loads of ideas.

    For example: it   for a coffee regularly -eit Maureens or someo sit ty. e didnt mind spending bits of tters or  to call tended  because ed Maureen to  really it   to go round ime. No offence, but Matty put like a real dohing.

    Martin didnt like my idea, of course. First ed to kno, because   to commit   must be o find time, and   a question of time actually it ion of co remind  o be part of a gang. And , so I , ell,  of agreeing? And .

    older t fully formed yet, and , You can say t again.

    And t agree on ed to go to Starbucks, because I like frappuccinos and all t, but JJ said  into global francin  a snooty little coffee bar in betreet o keep  up there.

    Any cs name and its vibe. tiness  , so it  snooty any more. It used to be called tres Marias,  t t did one Mary o do  alone t even  ain Coffee, and everyone kne sold, but it didnt seem to make muc ill empty.

    e  ran it ed us, and said, Captain Coffee at your service. I t  Martin o leave, but Captain Coffee  let us,  desperate. old us , and a cake, if ed. So  , but t problem  tiny. tables, and eacable  Captain Coffee er listening to everything we said.

 Part 2-5

    And because of ed to talk about personal t here.

    Martin s drink up and go, and ood up. But Captain Coffee , s tter noo e conversation, and ood completely, and side until e, for reasons I cant go into. And  didnt matter, ill  outside unless anyone else came. And ts arbucks for our coffee meetings. It rate on  tside c  stealing s, or biscotties as  places like Starbucks being unpersonal and all t, but s ?

    Id be lost, if JJ and people like t got to kno t o go into small places omers, small booksaurants and cafes. Im  in tore and Borders and Starbucks and Pizza Express, .

    t a lot in America, read books and talk about tin reckoned it  Id never , so it cant be t   fas it in Dazed and Confused. t of it o talk about Somet of t get into ro arbucks usually ended up. And o read books by people  heir heads.

    Martin said

    about staying alive, not  about topping yourself. But it turned out ters ook tion, and  for ted on using funds from our media appearances to buy ourselves the books.

    Any turned out not to be tion at all. Fucking ry and read tuff by people ed  a lig I read enougo knoence to see t. I sort of identify , because I suffer from t sometimes, but ake o go public . I mean, it  of souvenir be people like us could learn from ies and t, but it  it, because in t a book publis so mucition. So you could marco a publis tand you. try pilates or salsa dancing instead.

    JJ  it , so I   like it.  because your daddy reads books? Is t  read books, bad luck, and I told  because you didnt go to sc , arent t alloo say anyt books because t like t muc  o o our reading group  I , and upid as to expect anyt going to , Ill say so. And , Yea youre gonna say t, arent you, because youre so fucking contrary, sorry Maureen. And I said, Yea, because youre suc, and  to be talking about in th, Primo Levi, hemingway.

    So I said, ell  of doing t? s fun about t? And s not Pop Idol, man. You dont vote for t one. t t, and alk about to go by, I dont accept t. In fact I no te. And JJ got really  t, and tness tin stepped in and  to do any more books for a ead. Maureen  Cobain, can you believe it?

    I do t, but I do. Its just t my  from everyone elses. Before I to get angry and maybe a bit violent,  toug. Any nig about JJ, and hem.

    And its true  , not really, alto pretend t he does.

    Jen  they scared me.

    they scare me even more now.

    did to ening only to to no one else - not  er, no one? I got out of bed and  into  exactly as it . (People are al in films, and you t, like you dont  a guest bedroom, or some all your crap. But you try going in t ory, Catco Kill a Mockingbird, tc, because t ed us to read), Crime and Punis, , Good Places to Go  to Disappear¡­ t  a joke, t last one.

    I dont to be a big reader, because s me, but Im sure I er at it if s put me off by disappearing. It  t time Id been in   be t, I kne t me, and  is kno one of t o understand. I dont mean t Ill find some sentence s  ion mark by texas. I just mean t if I read everyt took tention in t fe some picture of  even knoo find   out,  you, considering as hing.

    But I dont. I cant. I cant because Im too lazy, too stupid, and I cant even make t because sometops me. t sit t me, day after day, and one day I kno them.

    So, no, Im not a big reader.

    JJ Our cultural program  books out of t s read stuff alk about, if you knoed to talk about  a big fan of Literature.  of books in prison, but mostly biograp adversities, like Nelson Mandela and t  of Martin S t t reasons. And, believe me, you dont  to kno of books. Youd find it offensive.

    S about me, t be? Ive spent my entire life  read - my folks, my sister, most of tion - and it makes you really defensive, after a  t I mind being called a fag bla friends bla to me, being a fag is about edly, but its   so much?

    Sure, I could be pretty anti-social able in a  American Pastoral isnt.

    Eddie . It elling  I . And like a marriage, toget got; but no I t it, toget. e kne going to make it, as a band and maybe even as friends, and so  made Eddie panic more, because I t idea t reading o  of new career. Yeas w happens in life.

    be a cool guy. ising agency. e spent all talking about tuff icing all t, and it broke bots.

    And all t is a long-ass  Jess.

    Id left one band full of aggressive illiterates, and I sure as  going to join anoting, sleeping -  t just makes you unhappier.

    And for some reason, I t music o be easier, . I only  invested in books, but I got my  I couldnt go  t s like  go, and poured to a little tiny bottle and corked it up. And s to play and sing, akes t, and you can smell it. Youre pinned into your seat, as if its a  its not - its still, and quiet, and you dont  to breaten it aening to  Maureens, because  play our o Starbucks, and at Maureens youve got tty breatra freaky instrument. So I ting to chese peoples lives for ever.

    At t song, Jess started putting  and making faces.

    But  or something.

    t to be an insult: I  t poets ures you migestine.

    I dont mind it, said Martin. I  , if he was playing in a wine bar.

    I would, said Jess.

    I o punc simultaneously, but rejected t it oo quickly, and t be enoug to keep on pummeling ter t a time. Its music rage, iny part of you kno  ts these people dead.

    And to Five Leaves Left weird.

    got ears? Maureen said suddenly. Cant you iful   me.

    part, like a little kid, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah.

    Dont pretend to be more foolishan you are, Jess, said Maureen.

    Because youre foolis is. Seamed. Soo. Just listen to , and stop blathering.

    And Jess could see t s it, and s up, and ened to t of t Maureen closely you could see ening a little.

    een seventy-four. y-six.

    ty-six. S for a moment, tful, and I ive  sra years. You  people to respond, but sometimes t, you know?

    People dont  to , do they? she said.

    No one said anyt sure w.

    t  to kno. t to kno Im feeling om Jones makes you feel. Or t Australian girl  play  are sad dont fit in.

    ed never alk like t even kno to stop her.

    Its funny, because people ts Matty t stops me fitting in. But Mattys not so bad. ¡­ Its tty makes me feel t stops me fitting in. You get t of everyto guess all time  it  puts people off. Im tired of it.

    And so suddenly Maureen , and because s too, and I ed to say t to her. You need a holiday.

    I said it because I ed to be sympatic, but tony, and I realized t noony he money.

    about t? ? I said. Lets all take Maureen on in burst out laughing.

    Yea, said Jess.  are eers for like an old folks  old, I said. y-one, she said.

    OK, not an old folks home. A boring folks home.

    And  fascinating person on t? Martin said.

    I dont look like t, for a start. Any you  unnoticed, amid all ter and tarted to cry.

    Im sorry, Maureen, said Martin. I  being ungallant. I just couldnt imagine tting around a swimming pool on our sun loungers.

    No, no, said Maureen. I took no offense. Not mucs to go on s fine. I just got a bit ed it. Its been a long¡­ Nobodys¡­ I ¡­ It  nice of s all.

    Oin quietly. No t ty ood.  Martin meant by Oext, if I can explain an obscenity y, is t  kind of asso say to Maureen, you kno t counts. s enough for you.

    And like five days later o tenerife.

    It  mine. I didnt feel t I  to decide, not really, even ter of to me. I ed t place, to JJ,  Cosmic tony, so I didnt t e on it. I t I did is, I abstained.

    It  as if t, t.

    te   t,  ter to go noines Day. For a moment t il Martin pointed out t to cover Mattys time in tre as well.

    Lets go  Maureen, t, for a moment, until it turned out she was joking.

    I cant remember t time I  because I  because I  people to feel sorry for me; its just t it range feeling.  it  even alloo t t it o anything.

    It  up to t point, o eac ory, considering . Youd tory of four people ed to her.

    But it  been up until t at all, not me and Martin sitting on Jesss  o be kind, ratil t ory of four people  eacher.

    them swore, anyway.

    I tle sobbing noises t embarrassed everyone, myself included.

    F¡ª s only a s just beac.

    I ed to tell Jess t I  even seen an Englisty left sco take to Brig  say anyt kno of many t I could feel t of t one, so I kept it to myself. You kno t going ell people t fact about your life, just because to feel sorry for you. I suppose its ell t ends up making terrible.

    I  to describe every moment of t seemed so exciting, but t ake, too. If youre like everybody else t an airport looks like,  sounds and smells like, and if I tell you about it, t  anot I  seen ten years. Id got a one-year passport from t office, and even t caused too mucement, because I sa a big traveler. One of t invite me to ty I didnt go to; one day, I t, Ill tell o take my first trip abroad. Id really o kno, though.

    You probably kno you sit in a ro me sit in t, because tin sat in t next to  fees. After a little  ting next to  ts ting and carrying on. Anot terrible noise imes t knoomacurned to er, and Martin o alk to me.

    And you probably also kno , you cant  t til  teful to God for providing t o understand tter, and so you end up in a terrible muddle and needing to talk to a priest. I decided I  sit in t on t kno people .

    Not ty  felt t strange.

    But I also enjoyed tness of it, so it probably  at all like missing a leg, because I dont suppose people ness of it very muco say t it  Matty, but its muco move around  it? So maybe it ruto   say t being on t Matty  a t, and it  in t aken off. I missed  o die, and I  said goodbye to hen.

    e didnt fall out on t nigel s and bat been expecting. And  poured into torrent of er t dam, and it nearly knocked me over. My knees buckled for a moment, and I o lean against too, but it  fierce and strong, like t; it just sat quiet and blue, and made tiny little murmuring noises.

    Some people can see t to, I t, but to stop t because it ed to t. It ime to be feeling grateful, not to be coveting my neighbours wife, or his sea views.

    e ate in a seafront restaurant not far from tel. I e squid and lobster, and Jess  tell you en out in a restaurant, or  to do t.

    I didnt even try to tell t for myself, and kne  to carry. Anyime t it  all, apart from took it for granted.

    I o say t care  sounds: it  meal Ive ever  evening Ive ever  so terrible, to be so positive about something?

 Part 2-6

    t evening  too bad, I suppose. I  of a c of e so-so seafood in a tourist trap on t, and t complain about just about everytransported by e  seemed co spoil it.

    Maureen  a fe aer Id come out of prison, to Majorca. e stayed in a private villa outside Deya, and I t it o be t fe t of course it  like t at all; to describe prison as t t ten seconds. It sounds logical, and neat; it sounds trut its not, because t time is after your ed, and t t  begun. I appreciate t talking about a mini-break on a perfectly pleasant Mediterranean island, but it  I realized t t errifying, mind-numbing, savagely destructive of t troying can no longer convey. Do you knoil my first nigions at eacred around icipants o see done to unpopular and /or celebrated ne of a quizzie on my first nig boto list even tive suggestions, but suffice to say t I didnt sleep very  nig for t time in my life I ensely violent fantasies of revenge. I focused everyt day broug an over last very long.

    Criminals serve time, but  to my friends in B ing, I  a criminal, not really; I elevision presenter  t I ime. It  t in pretending it . You see, tes ually return to tever t errupted; prison o be no impediment, eits and social standing enhanced.

    But you dont return to the middle class when youve been banged up.

    Its over, and youre out. You dont go and see time tV and tell o reclaim your seat behe Rise and Shine desk.

    You dont knock on your friends doors and tell t youre once again available for dinner parties. You neednt even botelling your ex- to see your kids again. I doubt ed to deny o  ood in ttering t t  . I  long and  turned into somet of penal reform: I o t no one  to jail, because t  o see a t, or give some money to cy, or something.

    t  time I fully apprerouble I rouble I  tion company and imes, offered us both work.

    e ran into t in a local bar, and tended t knoer, took Penny aside in t and explained t t teenage daugicularly unprepossessing fourteen-year-old ly frank, is unlikely to lose y for a good many years to come, and certainly not to me. It y to er t my proximity to   Ive been cast out of ton, doomed to roam the offices of crap cable companies for evermore.

    So t first nigenerife just made me gloomy. t my people. t people o me because I , but it  to be in - an unseatle boat, and I could suddenly see t it o break up and sink.

    It  made for pootling around ts Park, and tempting to sail to fucking tenerife in it. Youd o be an idiot to t o stay afloat for much longer.

    I dont t day . I take some of t , dont you? And I ted. Because my dad is Ne,  tolerance for people of different cultures, and I t  some people, in otin,  tolerant of my culture, ure ture. I like to t Im respectful of  tell   pissed up and fucked up on drugs and pick up more girls. So ful of mine.  tell me to eat pork if I  to do tuff?

    t and last Beatles albums.

    ts notyles c o do anyt t sick of t of eac ted different ted to be in a bag or ed to be on ever, and its o see ions, and one of you is in a bag.

    OK,   in t place, o t  to go on. e  all even from try. So in a s no  our seven years got condensed into about three weeks.

    toget e il to meet up in tel bar, ail and find some. And t for a sel pool co go out on my own.

    e aying on to de la Cruz,  probably too mental for Maureen, and as it o be  mind too muc to buy some blo ing myself into trouble t Martin ful of.

    I  into a couple of bars looking for t sell spliff, and in tly like Jen.

    Im not exaggerating;  recognize me, I t s, until I noticed t  quite big enouged to disguise  like me staring at o unately understood t of took it on from ter  it for a rut Id already  ill quite early, and I t take up my offer of a fight.

    And tuff jens brot going to do any of it until later, ended up doing most of it straigo freak on my oo tel in a police car. I dont t anyone from Nant it ty typical nig. I told t Maureen and Martin s, and Martin  happy.

    I dont to c of our el, t would have all blown over.

    I felt terrible t morning, mostly because Id gone to bed  anyto eat, alt  looo. I  terrible feeling you get uck  it. I mean, you can make cers up, like I did  gives you some time off. But its impossible to keep it going for long, and to being sick outside some dodgy club and offering to figo be like t truts o t doesnt involve being sick outside a dodgy club, I cant manage it; I picture not all. ton, talk about you.

    I once asked Dad ics, and ics, and   cats are supposed to be able to find a   of t world, hed do.

    tle sad  ion.

    And ts me: I suffer from a failure of imagination. I could do ed, every day of my life, and  to do, apparently, is to get  of my s. telling me I can do anyt is like pulling t of telling ter it can go anys. try it, and see w happens.

    JJ   I  first day. In tser by ts one fucking cool book. And trutter is, I t it  time to jump-start my libido, rating no out book some dude e o flicker it every time o t letter of t. true story. Any even ten t book. But sitting by ts, s of me t ime, in all to be frozen, t unmistakable signs of life.

    It  like I  out  it. I just t Id go for a  back in touc side of life. I  back to to get dressed first, t a bare-ced kind of guy. Im like a y pounds, skinny as fuck,   to guys an and six-pack ext, rigo Dolly Parton and t of   sound good. In fact, you  even be able to fucking ting on my faded black jeans and my old Drive-By truckers t-s was my way of being  people.

    And get t only did I get  I got  are t remember us real clearly, and I kind of o tell , you knoill.  -er pool in toist, and I stopped for a beer and a sandting by  table, and so, so I told  too, and arted to talk about it, and I scooted over to able. And tarted talking about music, because Bel Canto is kind of about music - opera, anyed a  tour, in Mancer, en to see t  I  a period in my life .

    e ended up spending ternoon toget toget t toget my el, because se at   time Id gotten any since t nigh Lizzie, which was more like necrophilia anyway.

    Kat toget morning, and not only because tel didnt ars for room service: I o bumping into t Id get some props - OK, maybe not from Maureen, but from Martin, certainly, because  an eye for a pretty girl. I even some it into my  Jess y jokes, and Id feel cool again.

    Maureen  doo o be friendly, but terpreted as an invitation, and s do our table. S Kathy suspiciously.

    Is someone not coming do? S being rude.

    S confused.

    No, see¡­ But t knoo say.

    Im Kathy, who was also confused. Im a friend of JJs.

    trouble is, t really room for five on table, said Maureen.

    If everyone else shy and I will move, I said.

    ;everyone elsequot;? Kathy asked, I guess reasonably.

    Martin and Jess, said Maureen. But Jess got broug nig be having a lie-in.

    Oed to kno  to know righen.

    hy.

    sress came over and poured us some coffee, and Maureen  to t table for s.

    Kat me. Sions, I could tell.

    Maureen is¡­ But t to finisence.

    I didnt o find a  down.

    Fuck me, s roduction. I feel so s.

    Normally Id t make me feel better. But I puked my w nig.

    Im Kathy.

    ate I didnt even realize I dont know you.

    Im a friend of JJs, said Kat up ominously.

    sort of friend? e just met yesterday.

    And youre  toget up, Jess.

    s o say.

    am I going to say? I have no idea.

    our mum and dad yet, Kato Maureen.

    Youre braver t bring a one-nigand doo t table. ts fucking modern, man.

    ts your motrying to be real casual, but I could tell stle.

    Of course its not my mot even tionality. Jess is being...

    Did ell you  s t a girlfriend. e keep telling  to try t one, because people al in ted. Ill bet ? Kat me.

    ts a laugh. Sing for her, JJ. You should hear him. Fucking hell.

    Kat as soon as Id said it, I remembered t Id told Kat quite turned to look at me, and I could tell shing. Oh, man.

    Maureen and s sat do table.

    are o do if Martin comes doheres no room.

    O panic, Ispose.

    Maybe I sood up and gulped some coffee down.

 Part 2-7

    Anna will be wondering ws o me.

    e could move to anotable, I said, but I kne royed by a malevolent force beyond my control.

    See you later, said Jess cheerily.

    And t  time I saill be reconstructing ting it doting friends to act it out, looking for any kind of clue t .

    You never kno your mout and as frequently as so  sometime. But for   music. So be a little pick-me-up, my first since t ever as a non-practicing musician, because I y, and Ive been in a band ever since. So after s, I started to  o elling some little old lady eet REMs manager ed to represent my band. o be a person - someone y t people could respond to? Its no fucking use, giving someto take its place. Say Id just kept talking about tioned music¡­ ould ill o bed? I couldnt see it. It seemed to me t  my old life, I  all. My morale-booster ended up making me feel totally fucking cruse.

    e didnt really tin missing , even t ting used to t once or t I  understand. I didnt understand  before, and I didnt understand ting at our breakfast table. And no understand  understanding didnt seem to matter very mucimes,  understand t you kno meant to. You co you if you pay close attention. I rying to tin as a cops and robbers film; if I didnt get everytold myself not to panic. Id  until someone gave me a clue. And anyo see t it didnt really matter even if you understood almost not really understood  us on to television. But t ten about noly, so , I   at breakfast, but t  because I  didnt  Martin to think us rude.

    After breakfast I tried to telep I couldnt manage on my oo ask JJ to do it for me, and  ts of extra numbers to dial, and some you o leave out, and I dont kno being celepold me I could call once a day  relax properly.

    And telep c tes. More o me in my elep time up on t  as if t all. Matty ing care, and t mucell me, ried to make tion last longer, and, fair play to ried to  last longer, God love him.

    But neito say. Matty doesnt do anyt done anyt particular day.

    in alked about t, but mostly alking about the garden.

    And I t t for a moment, and tried not to feel sorry for myself. Love and concern and t of it, t only a mot time in  to  of me ly t of till better at it tice Id  I could augo know in a couple of weeks.

    t meant   meant  afraid of, ever since  frig. And I didnt knoo kill myself more or less, kno. I didnt knoime or not.

    I  doairs, and I sahe lobby.

    Martins c of tel, she said.

    And I smiled at ely, but I didnt stop, and I kept  care t Martin  of tel. If I  made telephone call I would have cared, because he was in charge of our money.

    But if   matter muc? Id stay t, and Id eat, or not, and Id drink, or not, and go , and  do  matter to anyone at all. And I  of t sad on imes? I can imagine t time to think.

    For t of tried to keep out of everybodys in  seem to mind. Jess didnt like it muco make me eat  on t I just smiled and said, No t say, But youre alo me!  to talk to me now?

    I borrotle bookcase in reception, a silly one  pink cover called Pa a single girl urns into a s to marry  s sure because , so sakes a imes I read t, and sometimes I slept. Ive always been fine on my own.

    And t to Mass, for t time in a monto it o  do ts mostly because I didnt kno after t everyttle  knohe language.

    I got used to it, t o a dark room - and it er a little ed to be able to see t I could see ual people, of course, but tenerife versions. t looking dotle unsteady on , even at t time of day, and t .

    And t kno tle  t me staring and s I  it seemed so strange, sucil I t about it. And  o any c, pus ed, probably.

    MARtIN  I icularly introspective man, and I say tically. One could argue t most of trouble in trospection. Im not t crime - not t sort of trouble. Im tearful c-ss and so on. I can nos o prevent introspection  sit around and t oneself. You could try t ot tried to t tended to be people I kne people I kne broug back to  to be.

    So in some  ake, c of tel and going off on my oated t of me, and Maureen depressed me, t of me t s untenanted and unfurnis  just t, eitively accomplisy t I mig all, and it  difficult to imagine t tinue to do not all, and tinational company in t troop at weekends.

    I moved into a room t ical to taying in, except I treated myself to a sea vie on taring at trospective. I cant say t I icularly inventive in my introspection; t day  Id made a pigs ear of just about everyt Id be better off dead, and if I died no one  my deat drunk.

    tly more constructive;  no one edly t most of my : I ranged from my cake! OK, nine mistakes. Nine mistakes out of say a unities! I got  per cent and I still failed test! I o entrapment, and b) because societys attitudes to teenage sexuality are outmoded. I lost my job because of ty of my bosses. So at ted to kill ots got to be hier, surely?

    Jess found me on tting in a cafe reading a te me.

    Anyt us in there? she said.

    I expect so, I said. But Ive only read t and t looked at t page yet.

    Fun-nee. Can I sit h you? No.

    S down anyway.

    s all t, t? this¡­ big sulk.

    You t , to death of you.

    you plural. You singular. toi, not vous.

    Because of t? Yes, because of t.

    You just didnt like me saying you were my dad, did you? Youre old enougo be.

    Im a.

    Yea over it. take a chill pill.

    Im over it. Ive taken one.

    Looks like it.

    Jess, Im not sulking. You t of a el because you said I her? I would.

    Because you e er? Both.

    t ends to be tful (and by tful, I mean self-loato me is tcome of any prolonged t on ). I decided I  going to be taken in.

    Im not going to be taken in. Get lost.

    have I done now? Fucking hell.

    Youre pretending to be a remorseful human being.

    does quot;remorsefulquot; mean? It means youre sorry.

    For w? Go away.

    For  a  of all, I  a holiday from you.

    So you  me to get pissed up and take drugs.

    Yes. I  t very much.

    Yea. And if I do Ill get a bollocking.

    Nope. No bollocking. Just go away.

    Im bored.

    So go and find JJ or Maureen.

    theyre boring.

    And Im not? ies ?  Eminem? No.

    You  you  tell me.

    Os sake.

    I left some money on table, got up and . Jess folloreet.  about a game of pool? No.

    Sex? No.

    You dont fancy me? No, Some men do.

    o say it, but I tionship is over.

    Not if I just follo isnt.

    And you t erm? I dont care about term.  about  looking out for me? And Id  youd  to. I could replace ters youve lost. And t .

    S observation matter-of-factly, as if it rute.

    about t fit in ers Ive lost? t, you knoe. A different o go.

    e passed a gly looking bar called Ney.

    ts  for figry to go in again.

    As if to illustrate t, a grizzled-looking oanding in th a murderous look on his face.

    I need a pee. Dont go anywhere.

    I o Ney, found a lavatory some tV pages of t, sat doed t  eventually topped; I presumed s I stayed in t in case. It ed ternoon  resent time. It  sort of holiday.

    JJ  t band I er a s ton, just a fe is no on stage, but alked about it.

    ed played in Mancer t before, to a very small croo London tle snappy, but mostly just morose and quiet. It felt exactly tomac not does, it  make any difference for any longer tes. Its  you  lose toucouc in a bar  nig arguing, but till o exist. It  , so it  ours any more. Im talking metap.

    Anyer t tensity to it, like a desperate break-up fuck - o tty little dressing room, and sat do feels like it. And   like Eddie:  eitook my ook Billys  so t  time, and Billy said, Fuck you, queer boy, and stood up real quick,   o kno drummers.

    I  tel to t.

    t, and no one   aken to go. ts ies, hing.

    Its funny, but  sick  t to do, you kno real big on reading and ing, if you  Im saying, and Eddie oo, like, pugilistic to  o be OK. I , and stable, and I ill be somet it. So  a gig ion  on to work for his dad, and Im delivering pizzas and nearly jumping off a fucking roof.

    So time around, I ermined not to fret about my felloold myself. It didnt look t  t about, and it  my problem anyway.

    In taxi to t alked some about  to do , and on t ube from o Kings Cross, and took a bus from t  arted to recognize t maybe  be  so much.

    ? said Jess.

    Because .

    I t it  OK.

    Martin snorted. e didnt speak to eacher.

    You  most of time, said Jess.

    And es? Or because ours is not one of my most fulfilling relations is your most fulfilling relationss yours? Jess t for a moment, and then shrugged.

    it, she said.

    t rution as it applied to in spoke up just as arting to see  migo us too.

    Yes. ell. It s be, s it? Are you giving me t to put it like t. Jess,  ts time to go our separate ways.

    about Valentines Day? e can meet on Valentines Day, if you . e said .

    Up on till t t changes day by day.

    Id like to meet up, said Maureen.

    I suppose Valentines must be a pretty important day for you, Maureen, said Jess. S as if sion, but Maureen recognized tiness and didnt boto respond. Just about everyt back at  none of us  t traffic in t Angel I said goodbye and got off. As I c of Polo mints, and ture seemed kind of breaking.

    For t ty muc, and on to see if t I bleen pounds on a ticket for a band called Fat Carted up around time as us, and no deal, and t t tood t, and I  say any of us was riche experience.

    I , by a guy w ies.

    All rig t year. I .

    You living here?  Yeah, for now.

    you doing? You gone solo?  Yeas right.

    Cool  e met at eigines Day, and everyone ime. Jess ed to meet later, like at midnigragic effect, but no one else t it  to travel e. I ran into airs on told o  travelling erwards.

    meant¡­ Last time you  gonna go home, you know?

    Not, like, on the bus, anyway.

    On t time, you o get off t tonig sounds as taking the long way down.

    O, she said. In my head, I mean.

    ts great.

    Im still feeling t of think.

    Right on.

    And t  to talk any more, because it h.

    Martin and Jess arrived a couple of minutes later, and here.

    of tually? said Martin.

    e o meet up and see , said Jess.

    A. And  you, Maureen? I am. I o JJ, I till feeling t of the holiday.

    ure of amazement and admiration.

    you, Mart? I said.  I could kind of tell o t question o be.

    Oosser, said Jess.

    e s some more.

    I read somet migerest you all, Martin said.

    Yea o talk about it

    Sounds good to me, I said. I mean, maybe e? said Martin, like I s.

    Yea kind of ran out after t. But being alive seemed ing. Unless, of course, it  ed, in ed a   drink any ting a drink ing. An ordinary he fog of depression and indecision.

    Maureen? Yes, I dont mind.

    It doesnt look to me like anyones going to jump, I said. Not tonight.

    Is t rig listening.

    Fuck me, s.

    Saring at t ing tly win , and cened.

    ly.  stay there.

    I started to o him.

    Please dont come any closer, ears, dragging furiously on a smoke.

    eve all been tried anoteps.  say anything.

    Yea us. ere OK. You to get t you do.

    I dont  to, said the guy.

    tell us tle closer. I mean, s in the field. Maureen here...

    But I never got any furtte over ttle moan ting te all till dont know which is scarier.

 Part 3-1

    tly contradictory effects on us all. Firstly,   capable of killing ourselves. And secondly, tion made us suicidal again.

    t isnt a paradox, if you kno ty of ure. A long time ago, I  remain nameless because you  certainly have heard of him.

    And old me t t time tempt to quit t terrifying day of  t op drinking, if  round to it, so as t  o drink, t ted to do aemporarily confuse our issues.

    I didnt properly understand il I sa guy jump off til tion, a , money in t  place. It belonged to to go t extra t been t sat on my  t of tter  ill around, and y not to be.  nig  called Curned out not to be terribly germane to our story. Im not sure o go and look for C. Becks Suicide Intent Scale? Pretty . Beck ree. No one could say tent  there.

    e got off t roof s  not to , in ttle toppers previous, after all, and by oy of tory - unand less of it, rat  t.

    So  as damaged lungs and varicosed legs  us, and  our separate oo nervous to go for a drink in te vicinity, and too nervous to travel in a taxi togettered t  pub to toppers  full of un come doele?

    Does  try to get text to mix o mix ions again ternoon in Starbucks, and everyone e aftermat ly clear t  tomers: young mots udents¡­ I tried to imagine talking to any of t it   to  people jumping off to from tting h.

    I  guy, said JJ. Man.  , you know. A drama queen. A male drama queen.

    A drama king, said Jess. .

    ts very s of o  strike me as someone hing on your scale, anyway.

    Itll be in to read ts. Especially o Neo compare myself hem.

    And?  on? O understand.

    sort of things? Money.

    I owe loads of people money, said Jess proudly.

    Perhink of killing yourself, I said.

    Its not mucy quid y quid there.

    Even so. A debts a debt. And if you cant pay¡­ Maybe you sake t.

    s keep some focus, ? Isnt t to focus on? Lets focus on t guy.

    e dont kno him.

    No, but, I dont kno to me. t was w we were gonna do.

    ere we? I was, said Jess.

    But you didnt.

    You sat on my head.

    But you  done anyt it since.

    ell. e  to t party. And  on holiday. And, you know.

    ter another.

    terrible, isnt it,  o block out some time in your diary. Otting in the way.

    S up.

    Guys, guys¡­ I o be drao an undignified spat o act in a more statesmanlike manner.

    Like JJ, I  a long nigating, I said.

    tosser.

    And my conclusion is t  serious people. e  closer t nos us in something of a bind.

    I agree. ere fucked, said JJ. Sorry, Maureen.

    Im missing something, said Jess.

    t, I said. this is us.

    is? tured vaguely at our surroundings, tside, all of ly of our current condition. t. t. Not even t is t. Not for us.

    Fuck t, said Jess. And Im not sorry, Maureen.

    t, I o tell you about somet suicide. Do you remember? Any ts ninety days.

    guy? JJ asked.

    t guy.

    ts a job? Everythings a job.

    So w? said Jess.

    So y days.

    And y days? Not¡­ t. things change.

    t arrangement of stuff t made you ts got sed around somes like a sort of real-life version of astrology.

    Noto cill going to be telly een-year-old and  to prison. No one  t.

    Yes. ell. Im sure ty days t apply in my case, I   said. If t makes you happier.

    ont  ce a lot.

    My point, any end our deadline again. Because¡­ ell, I dont kno you lot. But I realized t Im not, you knoo go solo just yet. Its funny, because I dont actually like any of you very muc you seem to be, I dont know¡­  I need.

    You know imes you know you sing more cabbage?

    Or drinking more er? Its like t.

    t, ed as a declaration of reluctant solidarity.

    toucy days up? Marc.

    ts a bit of a coincidence, isnt it? said Jess. Exactly ths.

    s your point? ell. Its not scientific, is it? , and eig days ific, yeah.

    No, I get it, said JJ. t righs is like a season.

    Very muchs in a year.

    So er togets cool. inter is he blues, JJ said.

    So it would appear, I said.

    But ta do somet just sit around ing for to be up.

    typical American, said Jess.  do you  to do? Bomb some poor little country someake my mind off things, some bombing.

    should we do? I asked him.

    I dont kno kno if  helping ourselves.

    Jess is rigypical bloody American. quot;; Self- your mind to it, rig.

    is it  talking about becoming President.

    Im talking about, like, finding a job ing tables.

    Great, said Jess. Lets all not kill ourselves because someone gave us a fifty pence tip.

    No fucking c in try, said JJ. Sorry, Maureen.

    You could al go back y-four days to go.

    ticle I read: an intervieer jumping off te Bridge in San Francisco.

    ter jumping,  t deal  solve - apart from t given  knoell t t; youd t mig information. I ed to keep it to myself for time being, t seemed like somet mige later,  ever was.

    MAUREEN  It  tory out, and kept it, and I read it every so often, just to try to understand tter. I couldnt keep  of my  someone else, and moved ao be aken treets ao me, a coincidence, until I realized t people in my local paper alo open a sco Mattys school once, for example.

    I  been ready on Neo make tions, because it gave me someto do - Neo look foro, in a strange sort of o talk to, to talk, instead of jump. t me jump, I told t  in my  on my  even so, Id gone doairs and on to ty. t ed to talk to us, t iced. o jump, not to natter. I t Id gone to jump, but I ended up nattering anyway.

    If you t about it, tes.

    about it because my son ill around. t be a lot of t goes on. t be people  of t uation e situation. I couldnt see it s, too muc seem to commit suicide very often. Or if talks about it. Anyo committing suicide, nobody beats somebody, if you see w I mean.

    theres no rope holding you back.

    I prayed for Davids soul, even t  do ted ter Matty o sleep, I left es and o see  t reets full of big  urned into flats, so ts , t . And t ime to turn around and go home.

    t evening, I celevision about a Scottisective  on  about David some more, because I dont suppose  on very  sure t of t t muc for lots of arguments bettisective and  of time o find out  look as t ex-en minutes of y minutes of rying to find   bin. Forty minutes, I suppose, if you took out tisements. I noticed because I  more interested in ts ts didnt seem to come around very often.

    And t seemed about rigo me, ten minutes an   rigective, and it ant for   t cime on solving t I t in a tV programme, ten minutes an  right for your problems.

    t  sixty minutes an  , youre bound to end up on toppers house.

    I s s, but ts of times in my life op Matty becoming sixty minutes an hour.

    to t. Id ly, because of t  most of time, on most days, it  me and my son, and t meant trouble.

    Any evening ts. I lay in bed  David, and ttisective, and coming doo find Cually I got ts unknotted, and o find out o tting toget in  get so eaten up about some to do for forty or fifty minutes an  would help everybody.

    But I ive. I kneins  of ideas after t. So I asked Jess, because I didnt tion  five minutes, on a computer. But ted to come o see Cindy, and I said s you try telling  s.

    I got on Dads computer, and put Cindy So Google, and I found an intervie time about break and all t. You could even click on a picture of  older and a bit fatter, because of . And ting t Penny looked like teen-year-old, except t teen-year-old its or ossers, arent tin? tops or  ones t are slimmer and do more stuff now.

    So I read tervie said sorley  forty miles outside London. And if srying to stop people like us from knocking on to tell o get back ake, because terviely  one to told us all ted us to kno from een-year-old.

    e decided not to tell JJ. e ty sure op us for some bulls reason or anots none of your business, or, Youll fuck up t c. But  , Maureen and I. Our argument e Martin because  any not for a ake o e o  o die. And ts a lot of e. true,  ever said ed to get back  o be in a secure domestic environment, in a place like torley  ter to do noto do trouble - teenage girls and nigos .

    So  eat. And  tube to Paddington, train to Neo torley  Maureen and I  o say to eac really bored, and Id end up doing sometupid, because of t it really  like t, mostly because of me, and t I put in. I decided t I o be like an intervieype-person, and Id spend t about Maureens life, no matter  rouble  it ually too boring and depressing to listen to, so I sort of scalking, and t up t question. A couple of times s me funny, so Im guessing t quite often s told me somet it again. Like once, I   tuned back in to  Frank. So I ,  Frank, but I t s said  , if I o be an intervie lets face it, I  be intervieo concentrate, because talking about tuff youd actually  to kno.

    Any   to t me asking yle or anyt. And  Id come a long  made me t our story  of coming to an end, and it o be a ing out eac just sitting around moping. ts  it?  solved. Ive seen loads of films like t. ed sort out Martin today, and turn our minds to JJ, and t on ter ninety days, and smile, and  we had moved on.

    top  ticle in t. So  off tood outside to see tle cottagey sort of place o ttle girls all  to Maureen, Do you knoins kids? And s rig. I could imagine Martin and Cindy  of old-fasend t Mr Darcy or  door. So I sed, Oo-o, Polly! Maisie! And t us and came to ective work over.

    e knocked on t me as if soppers o your ever in t elling   me telling you. I really . I can see t of t of an unfriendly and unart.

    And I , ell, ts t it?

    And s, Is it?

    And I , Yes, it is. Because  o be your ex-husband.

    And s, Oh, yes he does.

    And  door.

    At t point Maureen goes, Do you talk to you? Im Maureen. Im also a friend of Martins. eve come dorain.

    And t ed o kno.

    And Cindy said, Im sorry, come in. Not Im sorry, fuck off  I t so say. Sand out on tep. So I en minutes Ill o taking him back.

    So o ttage, and its cosy in t not all like out of a magazine,  ure didnt really matc  smelled of t. So tting room and tting by t, O  under table. Because ening to a alkman  listen to a alkman  visiting, do you?

    Cindy  up to apped  visitors, and ening to Stepter. t, so I t I s a o say to t. ook tton on the machine.

    And Cindy said, Its Pauls dog t t I didnt say t.

    Cindy told  ins, and ed o leave, and s, o say I  you to o tell Cindy s back in, so you mig  to . And  knoo say to t either.

    Maureen looked at me, and t him.

    And Cindy said, Yes,  say Im surprised. And Maureen tells  topped   us? e didnt leave s ime. But, you knoell you  of t ake. And Cindy goes, I   in term, and I also  t by time  oo late. And I , Its never too late to learn. And s, It is for  s of smiled and said s agree to disagree. And I  o die, then?

    And t a bit quiet, and I t Id got  t about killing myself too,  ion, because of ts indicative of t ion.  part of a family. ed being part of a family.

    And ts o kill oo. Dont you think?

    And I , ell I can see  didnt .

    Cindy said, Did ell you I  let he girls?

    And Maureen said, Yes, ion t. And Cindy , ell, ts not true. I just  let ake t . Or  t  to be t sort of dad, you see. Its too muc. s to come ory some nig not every nigo see tmas play.   all tuff. And t kno,  of a tosser, really, isnt  of mistakes, sinues to make them.

    And t Paul bloke goes, If er, youd o say t t, so I  got to do h you?

    And Cindy said, Listen, Ive been very patient il norangers knock on my door and tell me to get back togetroyed me, and I invite tually listen to t Paul is my partner, and part of my family, and a epfato ts s got to do h him.

    And tood up and said, I take ter upstairs,   and ripped over my feet, and Cindy dived over and  s o tell me  all t stuff, like, Do I look nine years old oo tell Cindy so leave a blind man and get back togeteen-year-olds and treated . It s really ? t  to be treated t of it. Ill just say t  all to tell Cindy so leave an OK bloke  still didnt sound great.

 Part 3-2

    Ill tell you  me, t Martin o do urning up in  took test and t. Any  all Id done rain ride and one bus journey  asking Maureen about sexual positions. After Id seen Cindy, t didnt seem like suc rid of Martin, moved and met someone else.  , but our past, I dont kno ill all over t every day okyo and  couldnt be exactly like t, because Rome is probably a cool place to live,  - just as cool as tokyo. And  ed to, and make faces at us. And Maureen and I rying to persuade Cindy to move out of o our dump   muc now.

    As  know w s h.

    And ernoon all ter way.

    JJtrouble   fucking idea of o o be   about ty-day t applied to me. As far as I could tell, I  longer ty days. I  going to be like giving up cigarettes. It o get . My first day  Burger King  be so bad, because Id tell myself, you knoually, I dont knoell myself, but Id t by tiet try talking to me on my tieth anniversary of burger-flipping.

    Ill be real grouc day. And Ill be sixty-one years old.

    And tuff and up, mentally speaking, and say, OK, fuck it, Im going to kill myself. And tly t, and Id sit doruly terrible, ood up in t place. Self-. I couldnt o a free drink.

    t time  up, Jess told us all t so see Cindy out in tryside.

    My ex-in. te and reading telegrap really listening to anyto say.

    Yeas a coincidence, said Jess.

    Martin continued to sip his coffee.

    Der, said Jess.

    Martin put telegrap her.

    ? It was your Cindy, you doug.

    Martin looked at her.

    Youve never met my Cindy. Ex-my Cindy. My ex.

    ts o you. Maureen and I  doo talk to her.

    torley h, said Maureen.

    ts win, scandalized.

    Jess sighed.

    You  to see Cindy? Jess picked up elegraparted leafing t, kind of a spoof on erest. Martin snatche paper away from her.

    t for? e t it might help.

    doo ask ake you back. But s. Sed. Isnt so stare at her own shoes.

    Martin stared at Jess.

    Are you insane? y did you do t? On y. Free country.

    And o tears and said, you kno;Id love o come backquot;? I old you.

    But¡­ tering noises, and topped. Jesus C.

    Any. S bastard.

    If youd ever listened to anyt my ex- sake me back? You t Id go back? Jess s ry.

    You, said Martin. Maureen. t me.

    You   was her idea, said Jess.

    So youre an even bigger fool than she is.

    e all need  all kno.

    Youve all ed to  t  way.

    say anything, so I did.

    So ry to make somet didnt  ernative is. A big fat fucking nothing.

    So  back, JJ? Jess asked.

    Everythe band. Lizzie.

    ts stupid. t rubbis not¡­ you know.

    I nodded. I knew.

    And Lizzie packed you in.

    I kne, too.  I didnt say, because it sounded too fucking lame,  if it o reo t fe feill playing music, I ill seeing  anyto complain about, righing was dying.

    But it  dead.

    I dont kno ing, saying ed, even if you couldnt . ed t Cosmic tony guy for Maureen, Id put limits on  ical assistance Maureen needed. And as it turned out, sion, and urned out to be a guy  if t, t to find out all kinds of ot, like, I dont knos  place. e all spend so mucime not saying , because  . And because it sounds ungracious, or ungrateful, or disloyal, or ce to pretend t t confessing to ourselves t looks like a bad move. Go on, say . Maybe not out loud, if its going to get you into trouble. I  is, say it to yourself. trut you free. Eit or itll get you a puncever life youre living means lying, and lying corrodes take a break from t for one minute.

    I  my band back, I said. And my girl. I  my band back and my girl back.

    Jess looked at me. You just said t.

    I  said it often enoug my band back and my girl back. I ANt MY BAND BACK AND MY GIRL BACK.  do you , Martin? ood up. I  anot be suc do you ? And  do me if I tell you? I dont kno, and well see w we see.

    down.

    You got three wishes, I said.

    OK. I wiso make my marriage work.

    Yea o  keep your prick in your trousers. Sorry, Maureen.

    Martin ignored her.

    And of course I  girl.

    Yeah, well¡­ said Jess.

    S up, I said.

    I dont knoin. Maybe I just  such an arsehole.

    t  so ? I  no one laughed.

    you just   a? said Jess. ts  makes you look good.

    t ? Id still be an arseill get caughing else.

    ell,   caughing ever?

    one  are you talking about? Somet eating a cake?  and eating it? Jess looked kind of doubtful. Are you sure ts it?  a cake   in t place? tin, is t you get it bot t it someouc;; ;keepquot;.

    ts mental.

    Indeed.

    ? You cant. he expression.

    And  of t going to eat it? ere kind of getting off t  is to s to be, you kno person.

    I wish Jen would come back, said Jess.

    Yea.  else?  Nots it.

    Martin snorted. You dont wis be.

    Or less mad?   Im not mad. Just, you know. Confused.

    tful silence. You could tell t not everyone around table was convinced.

    So youre just gonna e two wishes? I said.

    No. I can use ting supply of bloo play the piano, I suppose.

    Martin sig. ts t? You cant play time to play the piano.

    e left it there.

    you, Maureen? I told you before. ony could only arrange things.

    tell everyone else.

    I y.

    You can do better t, cant you? said Jess.

    e winced.

    youd say. Cos you could  .

    Maureen  for a minute.

    know who Id be.

    Youd still be Maureen, you stupid old trout.

    ts not ake ahen, you know...

    No, I dont fucking know, said Jess.

    If Jen  o you, and, and all t? Exactly. Events of t magnitude. ell, w.

    Exactly.

    td be fucking excellent.

    e stopped playing then.

    It ended to be ture, I ts t it? tcoo many o be ear and a self. In my day, people got s at ter learning only t life is is.

    It  ter tion in Starbucks. Someo keep rap s - an impressive ac for someone eco describe everyt s commentator. Looking back on it, it is true t shere was a game.

    One afternoon,  back to see Matty, Jess stifled a giggle and observed enigmatically t shed see him soon enough.

    Maureen looked at her.

    Ill be seeing y minutes if Im lucky he bus, she said.

    Yea after t, said Jess.

    Soon enoug after t? I said.

    Yeah.

    I see  minutes of every day, said Maureen.

    And  all about it, just as  all about so muc Jess said.

    Perer, sarted to so concealed interest in Lizzie, JJs ex-girlfriend.

    here does Lizzie live? she asked JJ.

    Kings Cross. And before you say anyt a hooker.

    is s messing around.

    Yeaotally excellent joke.

    So  a  telling you  to talk to upid old slapper.

    ire life.

    s t he prick one? Sorry, Maureen.

    quot;Metap;, I said. ely t tapitled to itled to wonder w all.

    Exactly. Sap out h someone else.

    Yea sure t dumping me condemns a person to eternal celibacy.

    And to a discussion about te punis for our exes,  passed, like so many moments in t us noticing. But it ed to rootle around in treeenage bedroom of Jesss mind.

    On tself, I  it o be a big day.

    ous enoug spoken to o-face since Id come out of prison.

    ed to talk to me because antial offer from a reputable publisobiography.

    talking money yet.

    May I ask, t  could be described as substantial? ell. You kno ance.

    does t mean? Its real, not imaginary.

    And ;realquot; mean, in real terms? Really? Youre becoming very difficult, Martin. If you dont mind me saying so. Youre not my easiest client at t of times, ually been e .

    I arily distracted by tion t tra. e ing in a restaurant called Farm, and everyting came from a farm. Brilliant, e! Potatoes! Green salad!  a concept! I suppose tra tle s on inspiration. I o report t tresses hin, pale and dressed in black.

    But obiograpantial   it.

    Rigerested? they phoned back.

    itantial offer.

    theo smiled condescendingly.

    You dont really kno really. Only old me over t people antial offers. ts wly.

    e mustnt run before we can walk.

    to annoy me.

    OK. Agreed. Just tell me t.

    No, you see¡­ Even t is running. Its more, you knoactical t.

    Asking you to tell me about ly softly catchee monkey.

    Jesus C, theo.

    And t sort of reaction isnt softly softly, if I may say so. ts noisy noisy. tetcetchy, even.

    I never  to  t of the lunch.

    Jess raordinary meeting for four oclock, in t and invariably empty basement of tarbucks in Upper Street, one of t of sofas and tables t ly like your living room, if your living room  of paper cups t you never threw away.

    ? I asked her when she phoned me.

    Because Ive got private to talk about.

    sort of private things.

    Oo be t t private sexual t to tell you? I was .

    Yeaasies about you all time.

    Ill see you later, OK? I got a number  bus from t End to Upper Street, because t. ed got ts and pieces of money  form of transport, because take you o go for free, and its not until you get t money is needed, I decided t inflicting my poverty on a cabbie  suc certainly spend talking about tion, perfectly normal to  to do,  for going out looking like t and so on. I ime no of Londons inants as ts geograp recognized ted to read me a relevant and apparently redemptive passage in the Bible.

    As I approacarbucks, a youngis aely  doairs. Initially I  meant t Jesss sexual revelations ed sotto voce, if at all; but tea latte, I realized t t no sucy to embarrassment; and my stomacarted to do  urned forty. It doesnt cs for sure. Old stomac cs more as if one side of tomacongue, and ttery. And at moments of tension toucrous consequences.

    t person I sa ttom of tairs ty, in o Maureen. And as I rying to  ty to Starbucks, ting to instantaneously realize t ters. I picked tried not to  me, and Cindy  a table in t   smiling at me. JJ anding o be akably ter. Sall, expensively dressed and disfigured by a  clearly bore no relation to anyt be feeling, a real election nig ts of red string t Madonna e all appearances to trary, sual ic, I  ogeto see er, but I c t and a jacket, and for once you o get up quite close to become scared by her eye make-up.

    I put to to Penny on t so t s feel left out.

    o kiss Cindy on tly out of the way.

    brings you hen? I said.

    to t might help in some way.

    Oed. I got t so snort  snorting o be ion, so I knelt doo talk to the children.

    Jess clapped ogetepped into tre of the room.

    I read about ternet, ss called an intervention.

    t all time in America.

    All time, JJ sed. Its all we do.

    See, if someone is fucked¡­ messed up on drugs or drink or ever, all gatoget  in. Sorry Maureen. Sorry Mum and Dad, sorry little girls. t of different. In America, t, Ive forgotten te I was on eve.

    S of  and pulled out a piece of paper.

    A facilitator. Youre supposed to ator, and  one. I didnt kno knoervention is sort of to intervene. Its us coming to you, rato us. ere saying to you, we need your help.

    ty started to look a little uncomfortable at t, and Jess noticed.

    Not you guys, s o do anyto tell you truto bump up Maureens numbers, cos,  anybody,  you tty ter t anding there on your own.

    You o  to Jess. Once s a to let it go. Maureen attempted a grateful smile.

    Any sos you know we Ed, wo be in h him.

    Eds flo my mum and dad, and its not often youll catcogetins got ers, and  ex, w have his wife back and his girlfriend back.

    Everyone laug Cindy, and topped laug laughing would have consequences.

    And Maureens got ty time talking to our people, tle catcalk to some ots a cross bets evening, cos t of sit in a corner, ing for people to visit them.

    for? I dont kno for a laug  eac ourselves? t again,  rue t I  t I ely not  factual. So I could tell Ed t o play in, and I could tell tons ter; it seemed to me unlikely t ting, however.

    And any from times tables,   and ter? I  Ive learned not to sleep een-year-olds, but I learned t a long time ago - decades before I actually slept een-year-old. t sold me seen. So,  to sleep een-year-olds, or attractive young  just about everyone Ive ever intervie by doing sometain, playing t of a serial killer in a movie - t themselves.

    And I alfully, o pin t did you learn from tually? t you dont like being sick? t you dont  to die? t ch?

    Come on, be specific I suspect its sometell to turn to somet mige and utter e of time.

    In t feo prison, lost every last molecule of self-respect, become estranged from my c very seriously about killing myself. I mean, t little lot  to be t of cancer, rigs certainly a bigger deal ting in a bloody film. So ely bugger all?  o learn? true, I  I e attaco my self-esteem, and regret its passing. Also, Ive found out t prison and poverty arent really me. But, you kno boteral-minded, but I suspect people mig t get cancer. time, and a lot more energy.

    So, Jess  on. o go  moment, several Frenceenage punks appeared in our midst, carrying coffee mugs. ty table next to Mattys wheelchair.

    Oi, said Jess. airs, all of you.

    tared at her.

    Come on,  all day. ement.

    Soairs, and a, uncomplainingly; Jess  anotive of an incomprery. I sat do my ex-able, and o  of all-purpose croy gesture, some kind of cross bet getting a drink and Ill give you a ring, tle bit of Can ely, I rubbed my oget of all tritious self-kno to tuck into.

    MAUREEN  I didnt to be very muco say. I mean, t really anyto Matty. But I didnt to say to te ed a cup of tea, but t; and t ting Matty doairs, and t ,   en of me, and tood t eac one, tralia and  t Matty used to  ttle gat. It  occurred to me t t know.

    Ive been trying to  out, but Im clueless.

    Yes, I said. ell. It must be very confusing.

    So come on, t us out of our misery. Steve  money troubles.

    Some of us .

    Ive never o  money, really. I get my carers allo me a little bit anyway. And if you never go anywhing, life is cheap.

    But youve got troubles, said the square one.

    Yes,  troubles, I said. But t troubles.

    Yea troubles, said tepV.

    Yes,  troubles, I said.

    So  imagine you go to tclubs.

    And I ended up telling t mean to. It just sort of came out. And once Id started, it didnt seem to matter muc Id told t to tory, I realized I s  it, and said  kind of thing.

    You  tell t tre, will you? I said.

    ell t t Id been planning to leave Matty  refuse to take  t ake hinking of jumping off a roof somewhere.

    So re in te one t t if I o do a one.

    Its not t   to knos not t   our centre to be stuck ty. Its just t   to feel t every time you call us up, youre in trouble.

    I dont kno really kno to call t like   people feeling sorry for me, you see. I ed to  saying t t  doesnt sound too Iris t Jess er oget expect me to get anyty couldnt   tes tter about something.

    Stepcs, to see ting on. JJ , because  really started fig. Martin and cers dreure, and Jess and s  t t every no somet never seemed to be anyt would oucupid bloody earrings.

    Everyone in t, and Martin and JJ and I looked at eacuation   to judge, but it  earrings  of Jesss problem.

    I felt sorry for Penny, ting on ed to come to my corner.

    Im sure youve got plenty to talk about over there, she said.

    No, I said. ere done, really.

    ell, youve got t-looking calking about Stepall nurse, and   I  noticed, but I dont really t t any more.

    So come on over and talk to o meet you, I said. I didnt kno  if youve got noto do but stand beside a boy in a  a pretty  take muc for it, because I didnt really do anyt from say  it  so muco talk to Stephen.

    Everyone seemed to be ime except for me. I  time. And t  fair, because Id spent ages organizing t intervention parents evening ternet and got o manage JJs band. And ayed up until like t old old  too. And ts  ime job for a  out of it? Fuck all.  talking to my fucking fat all? I talk to t did I tty and Penny and all tarbucks? I suppose Id  t listen, especially  toget  t t as  and asked to adopt me or wever.

    ere never going to forget about talking about t like , and  old ouc all t fe for to tell us table. Mum reckons s and sat on t, and   t sograp, and sill see t to an empty coffee cup and some paperback or otarted to sort of drift back to  it. But ly is money, off of t t t Camden Market for like five quid.

    I dont kno being all self-pitiful or wever.

    But parents must e kids, rig?  prefer Kylie to time, did  scalked to Dad about sical t of treasure Minister or ake t for instance. It   al afternoon. I really  been giving it large. And te t before I  urning t door, so I kne ing to toilet, rigcreasure bloke, and I tried to make t. Falafel and Breezers every o do  because s drink or smoke blo kno o talk, and no one knoo say.

    After  do you ? So I  you listen to anyt,  o be listening to? And I  mean?  are o do t  do?

 Part 3-3

    And I didnt knoe me and all t. alk ten. I just t t if I told to hey could do.

    So t moment,  of like t t  as  cetera. But you kno of rainy day box? For example, you t  any more, top myself. One day, if Im really fucking up badly, t   give up and ask Mum and Dad to bail me out. Anyal rainy day box y no t all time.

    So, I did uations. I told my mum to fuck off and I told my dad to fuck off and t, even to be talking to someone elses friends and family afterwards.

    And t up to top of tairs, I felt stupid, but it oo late to go back do raig treet and into t on t train t came. No one cer me.

    JJ  te I sa basement, I felt trollable little flicker of ! to rescue me! t of tting up for a gig tonigero te apartment t sed for ts ment ing and decorating! And¡­  old guy talking to Jess? Could ive? . ter I found out t Lizzie ead and his own graphic design company.

    I snapped out of it pretty quick. tement in t t  about my future. I could see love t made me feel a little teary, to tell you trutime so t t see me being a  to a Starbucks basement because told to come to a Starbucks basement, and neithem had any idea why.

    s up, man? said Ed. I  doing so good.

    Yeaurn up. I ed to say somet t Mica I didnt  Ed to get on my case even before alked.

    Noturn up ta come home.

    I didnt  to o go into ty-day t.

    Look at you, I said. ,  of money, and a pair of ill long, it looked kind of  date ty.

    I never really ed to look like I used to look. I looked like t because I ayed anyw shower.

    Lizzie smiled politely. It  and your second o see you in tal.

    I never pegged you for a quitter, Ed said.

    you say. tters Club hQ.

    Yea from  ? You got nothing, man.

    Yup. ts pretty muc feels.

    t  .

    Anyone  a coffee? said Lizzie.

    I didnt  o go.

    Ill come h you, I said.

    ell all go, said Ed. So , and Lizzie and I kept not talking, and Ed kept talking, and it felt like t couple years of my life, condensed into a line for a latte.

    For people like us, rocknroll is like college, said Ed after  get to fuck around like frat boys unless  a fearts to suck, and tarts to suck, and arts to suck. So you get a job. ts life, man.

    So, t s to suck¡­ ts like our college degree. Our graduation.

    Exactly.

    So o start sucking for Dylan? Or Springsteen? Probably el t doesnt alloo use  er until six p.m.

    It rue t on our last tour, ayed in a motel like t in Sout I remember t.

    Anyeen. Or at least, I sa reunion tour. And, Senator JJ, youre no Springsteen.

    thanks, pal.

    S, JJ.  do you  me to say? OK, you are Springsteen. Youre one of t successful performers in music business ory. You ime and Neadiums niger fucking nigter now? Jeez. Grow up, man.

    O, and youre all groook pity on you and gave you a job V? Eds ears get red o start throwing punches.

    tion is probably of no use to anyone in t from me, because, for obvious reasons,  tend to form real deep attacs to people  seem to stick around long enougo duck.

    Your ears are getting red, I said.

    Fuck you.

    You fleo tell me t? Fuck you.

    Stop it, t say for sure, but I seem to remember t last time togething.

    tco say o, and udent, and alked about music a couple times. e Stripes a lot, and Id been trying to get o listen to Muddy aters and t a little.

    Listen, I said to Ed. I come . You s go outside.

    te Stripes guy. I mean, you kno anyone else o look after our regulars. But¡­ ured at the line behind us.

    No, no, I understand, man, I said. thanks.

    Ser   take long. er hes landed a good one.

    Fuck you.

    So  out on to treet. It , but Eds ears tle torche gloom.

    I  seen or spoken to Penny since t fondly of  I  really missed o be prepared for ty t it mig for early retirement and never return to its place of ed of JJ, Maureen and Jess,  t it  least because to suffice for time being. And yet tys nurses, I felt uncontrollably angry.

    t a paradox, if you kno ty of ure. (I believe I  line before, and as a consequence it is probably beginning to seem a little less autative and psycute. Next time, I s oo ty and tency, and leave ure out of it.) Jealousy is likely to seize a man at any time, and in any case tall, and young, and tanned, and blond. t rollably angry if anding on  of Starbucks, or indeed anywhere in London.

    I rospect, almost certainly looking for an excuse to leave ted, I tle about myself in tes. Neiters crayons ructive as Jess might have wished.

    to Penny.

    Os OK. I  doing anyto t might help.

    No, I said, immediately at sometage. Not t. tanding ing in front of me. ther words.

    teper Matty, and  o talk to, so I came over to say hello.

    ep him.

    I suppose you tty great, I said.

    Im sorry? he said.

    Martin! said Penny.

    You .

    I  over in ture, tin - a kinder, gentler Martin - cion, and I o rejoin him.

    Go a of yourself, said Penny. It says a lot for Pennys generosity of spirit t sill saoance, and t I still ting out of tial observers  didnt matter, t moving.

    Its easy, being a male nurse, isnt it? Not very, said Stepary mistake of ansion as if it raig bile. I mean, its re¡­ Long  ss. Some of tients are difficult. he shrugged.

    Some of tients are difficult, I said, in a stupid w ss. Diddums.

    Sean, Stepo ner. Im going to  upstairs. ttle out of the pram.

    You just  and listen to esy of listening to you banging on about ional en to me.

    I dont taying wes.

    tionally bad beed a great deal of fascination, I could see t, and I  seem immodest y, or , o tacle: usually, television personalities only beclubs, ies, so my decision to cut loose arbucks basement,   as if Stepake it personally, just as  aken it personally if Id decided to crap on ations of an inner combustion are never very directed.

    I e people like you, I said. You  a medal. And , really? At t, I regret to say, I took ttys  idea to put my , in order to suggest t puse activity.

    Look at Daddy, Mummy, one of my daugo say t I dont knotractive to you again noaring at me as if I ep ansion.

    tracted all ttention I could possibly ? Arent I great? You tell you urned out, ty in my professional life readily to ies I ly all stemmed from sleeping  t t mucing sympathy.

    needed someto finisence. Anyt experienced directly.

    Cournament-level c nothing came.

    e? Stephen asked.

    I nodded, trying someo convey in ture t I oo angry and disgusted to continue. And took tion apparently available to me, and follo of the door.

    MAUREEN  Jess  of everyin¡­ ell, I started to feel a bit annoyed, to tell you t trut seemed rude,  trouble to turn up. And Martin y up and doractive. tractive?  look attractive at all. o be fair to JJ, aken s  -  left tin  later on I found out t aken tside to

    to decide  on ted to beat ts probably still rude, but not as rude as thers.

    t beood around for a little ins friends and family, and to realize t no one  even JJ and e sure o do.

    Is t it, do you t  to¡­ I dont ic. And I knoook a lot of trouble organizing t, , is to stay, Maureen? Is t? Because obviously, if t do you to ac in absentia? I kneer, in to. I used to  dream, a long time ago, ty, and I ts a dream t everyone has. Everyone whose life has gone badly wrong, anyway.

    So I told Jesss fat I t Jess just ed people to understand better, and t I   w had happened.

    Its t told me tory.

    ere to her? I said.

    to Jen? Or to Jess?   to Jen.

    I dont really know, he said.

    tes, said Mrs Cricrange face.

    Sime  it  afternoon - s  of face t looked as t o being c youd get from being angry about stolen earrings, and ight.

    S kno kno rue or not. But it felt like t to say. It felt true in t way.

    no   used to doing, because se to  I o say. I dont to listening properly. I liked making  ly. I felt like I ing a pato places whe grass was overgrown.

    Jen. If shem.

    You kno age are like.

    God, said Mr Cric of t.

    Me neit¡­ t makes so mucs oo. t  missing.

    I didnt  t t ion for t.

    And I said at time t I t t take those.

    And t t sohan read a book.

    I could see and feel o t Jen o t  so texas or Scotland or Notting e, rat s meant t t  never see, or got   a job t t. It meant t in ts. Its ty ers and apes - I  for a moment.

    You could  all for to, rip enormous great big ory, because  add up to, really?

    Jen could ed to die wearing her earrings.

    S not  all. And sill gone, . O I knoo keep yourself going. t probably sounds funny, considering  place. But t is t so far I  myself going, even if I o climb tairs to toppers o do it. Sometimes you just need to give tiny little jiggle.

    You just need to t per o t of the world looks like somewhere you could live in for a while.

    t  kno to look different. Son  of it, so you could say t t need any stories about earrings. You could say t stories about earrings ed on them.

    You could say all t, but it  be true. tories - you could see it in t need stories to keep  person is Matty. (And maybe even  knoalking to  killing yourself. You can let parts of yourself die. Jesss mot c come to life again.

    t train t came along  off at London Bridge and  for a  ter, youd  I . I mean, t just because t doesnt mean youre t like if youve got a pocket full of pennies it doesnt mean youre ricard, bitc, fuck, ty fast, too fast even for me to make a sentence out of ts not really t, is it?

    So I cer for a little o a stall by t some tobacco and papers and matc back to  doo roll myself a feo do, sort of t knoo be . I forget, I ts to smoke,  me. Youd bet any money t I smoked like fuck, and I dont. Neion: smoke more. Its got to be better for you tower-blocks.

    Anyting do turer from college. -scies. eacypograp, and I  to a couple of il I got bored. I dont mind  ail and  . And ed to be our friend,   say t about some of them.

    to tell tory trut o me. And to be really properly trut some of tal s entirely mental, if you see   to be mental, but some of it  t because t. It  of slopping out of me, as if t of a tap and running into a bucket (my  boturning tap off even w was full.

    ts  looked like from my point of vie looked like I ting on t rolling up fags and so myself, and ts not suc? o me, and t my , and tarted talking to me quietly. And he was like, Jess? Do you remember me?

    Id only seen , No, and laugo be a joke, but o teac art college. And I go, Yea  my Yea, but it  t sort of Yeao tell  Id only been joking before, but I only made it  look like I t ending to be Colin earing, o do. So tion is going rigs like a supermarket trolley ime Im to pus takes   me in tion.

    And ting on tell  Id  some earrings, and  go  I could if I ed to. I could just get on to Angel and t I didnt  to. And , ell, I dont t   I urned into like a nutter, so I stood up quickly, whful and walked away.

    But to sally. And t t  it o be a nutter. Im not saying it  life - I dont mean t. I just mean t I  in common ting on pavements stes. Some of to e people, and I ed just about everyone. t ty muc. And  runs in tion minister, maybe its one of t skips a generation.

    And I didnt kno I could see suddenly t I rouble t. I kno sounds stupid, considering Id t about killing myself, but t  for a laug , t tting by ternally  real? Not many more, he answer.

    So to do o go back - to Starbucks, or o some foro retrace your steps.

    But t of found a tle ever. I met t and slept ead.

    JJ  So I just stood told Ed to take a s me if it er.

    I dont  to  you unless you  me, he said.

    t anding ching us.

    o me.

    You s the fuck up, said Ed.

    I rying to get tarted, said the homeless guy.

    You flelantic because JJ rouble, Lizzie said to Ed. And no you. One conversation and you  to punch him.

    to go to go, said Ed.

    Is t like quot;A mans gotta do ta doquot;? Because it sounds utterly meaningless to us, Im afraid, said Lizzie. S t s like s I kne s  to s.

    doesnt matter  sounds like to you. ands.

    No I dont, I said. Lizzies rigo puncs a Butching, surely? said Lizzie.

    You  to sleep  you cant, because youre botraight.

    tickled tced it, he said.

    Neit I got tions. I used to keep toilet, because t for dipping into whe can.

    Anying to  particular guy at t particular moment. I looked at him.

    O born homeless, you know.

    I really, really dont  to sleep  to punc o punc.

    You see? said Lizzie. ic,  of sado-masoc kiss .

    Kiss o Ed. Kiss  lets get something going, for Gods sake.

    Eds ears couldnt ten any redder, so I  burst into flame and turn black. At least t Id seen something new.

    You trying to get me killed? I said to her.

    you just get back toget least youve got all t mike-s big electric penis substitutes.

    Os  o be in a band, said Ed. You were jealous.

    o be in a band? Lizzie asked him.

    Yea t dead  deep. S in a band. S interested in being ar and made a sload of money.

    Is t ? said Lizzie.

    I could suddenly see my life being put back toget errible misunderstanding, o be cleared up, er and many tears. Lizzie never ed to break up ed to break up  on to to get my ass kicked, and instead, I o get everyted.

    t going to be a fighe homeless guy sadly.

    Unless  t out of you, said Ed.

    Just let me  go back inside. I never get tory, stuck out here.

    It o be a  coming. And it o involve all four of us. t s back togete a song to oasts at t back  it.

    t , every couple . . too muc is,  people splitting up every ten seconds.

    Ed looked at me as if I s.

    Youre not serious, said Lizzie.

    Maybe Id misjudged t. t ready for my big closing speech.

    Naaas just¡­ an idea I  ironed out all t, yet.

    Look at .

    gre of other bands? said Ed.

    Like, I dont kno back toget ers o split up. theyd be unhappy.

    Not all of em, I pointed out.

    And  second marriages? there are loads of happy second marriages.

    trummer ay in  band.

    And ill be h her, said Lizzie.

    Yea  have been a bad life.

    But s a ogeteen years.

    Oone of voice t  punch you.

    e tle  to a pub, and Ed boug a pack of smokes from t it doable for us to s sat t me as if ting for me to catch.

    I didnt realize you felt t bad, Ed said after a while.

    t  a clue? Yeaed to kill yourself. But I didnt kno so bad t you ed to patcs t level of misery, way beyond suicide.

    Lizzie tried not to laug produced a ing noise, and I took a long pull on my Guinness.

    And suddenly, just for a moment, I felt good. It  I really love cold Guinness; it  I really love Ed and Lizzie. Or I used to love ted tever. And maybe for t time in t fe dos, or at t, anyo ed to kill myself not because I ed living, but because I loved it. And trutter is, I t a lot of people s in feel. t its all fucked up for ts s  find a o life, and being s out of it like t¡­ It just fucking destroys you, man.

    So its like an act of despair, not an act of nis a mercy killing, not a murder. I dont kno to me. Maybe because I  I fucking love Guinness, like I love pretty muc as it sion. And reet, and even t imes its moments like t, real complicated moments, absorbing moments, t make you realize t even imes  make you feel alive. And tato c even read Martin C yet, and¡­ ty out there.

    And I dont kno made, this sudden flash.

 Part 3-4

    It  like I ed to, you knoe embrace and voo let it go until it let go of me. In a  makes t better. Once you stop pretending t everytty and you cant  to get out of it, elling myself for a s more painful, not less. telling yourself life is s is like an anestic, and aking tell  s, and  like t kind of pain does   anyone a w of good.

    And it e t I  t I realized, because it  t any more, so I o put all t. I didnt knoo do  knoo do  t just like life?

    I never said anyt finis going to be a rock star, said Lizzie after a  you? I s kno. Not once in tory o any kind of misunderstanding, deliberate or otherwise. So far as I was concerned, she was dumping me because I was a musical loser.

    So ry again. And Ill listen real ime.

    Its not going to make any difference noo admit to standing still, or going backwards.

    OK.  I said  be  a musician.

    It  suco you at time. You dont even like music t much.

    Youre not s not just w you did.

    Its o be a successful musician. I dont even kno  t I could see youd be no use to anyone if you stopped. And look er youre standing on top of a touck . And  it youre dead. Or you might as well be.

    So¡­ OK. Noto do h being unsuccessful.

    God, ake me for? But I  talking about alking about me. I never looked at it t  t my failure, but t  it. And at t moment I felt like crying my fucking  out, really. I felt like crying because I kneimes truts you like t. I felt like crying because I o make music again, and Id missed it so muc like crying because I kne making music o make me successful, so Lizzie  condemned me to anoty-five years of poverty, rootlessness, despair, no er motels and bad s just t Id be eating t flipping them.

    I  t forty-eigains drac antiques as I could find. During ty-eig I urning into Marie Prevost, tress er ate of disrepair, due to ially eaten by  I ic pet, I can remember being a source of some consolation in tainly die alone, and my corpse ainly be in a state of advanced decay by time anyone found me, but I e, apart from ts t ural causes. So t .

    ed in my y is located. (Cindy and ot boty and troubles ed belo, but .) I unities in life, and I astropo me - to me and my  time. And yet tool I  my disposal to correct trous course my life seemed to be taking  o fuck up in t place.  chance did I have?

    A couple of er Jesss Jerry Springer ses Id made during t t  be true to say t Id been so drunk Id forgotten Id ever made t in plain vie it nigo read t compelled to draains and reache Glenmorangie once again.

    t of to analyse, o me, ernoon, and to list all possible responses to t beo give my s due - to be fair to ts pundits   least capable of recognizing t t just  capable of   doing very muc it. Are all  just mine?

    Anyly bills, ty of O NURSE? I ten. And th: ) ARSEhOLE? hIM? ME?

    ) tING ON PENNY?

    ) GOOD-LOOKING AND YOUNG-PISSED ME OFF?

    ) ANNOYED BY PEOPLE.

    t explanation, ly precise , noartlingly candid in its vagueness.

    On anotION (and please note, by tco letters, a sc to indicate tific nature of the work): a) KILL MYSELF?

    b) ASK MAUREEN NOt tO USE t NURSE ANY MORE c) DONt And C stopped to a stupor at t point, or because Dont ion to all my problems. t it: ter t,  and never had.

    Neitation.

    I could see t tten by tly ed to tell a select group of people - a group t included ers - t all male nurses e and self-rig  deduction. And similarly, t some of Nerying to  oly t of man  doo Do list. If t, I would han Carl Lewis.

    Quite clearly, I needed ter t. One  because t cereal I prefer, and so on; to observe and interpret t, in television . Asking to explain its oless as dilling your oelepelep an engaged signal. Or your own answer message, if you  kind of pem.

    It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize t ot any one of tter job of explaining  ed ion of friends. I seemed to  all mine around time I  to prison, but I kney of people ell me  of me. In fact, it seemed t my propensity for letting people doing tually serve me in good stead  try to t on t because I  to me h barrels.

    I kneart, too. Indeed, so successful  p I didnt really need to speak to anyone else. My ex- - direct, articulate and clear-sigually ended up feeling sorry for people living  living o go.  even any pleasantries to ries, and unpleasantries are an essential part of the learning process.

    home. Drunk.

    ened to your messages? No.  left you a fes about ternoon.

    As exactly ed to talk about.  do you t ? ell, youre unbalanced, arent you? Unbalanced and poisonous. An unbalanced, poisonous tosser.

    tart, I felt, but it lacked focus.

    Listen, I appreciate   to appear rude, but tosser part I find less interesting t.

    Could you talk more about t? Maybe you so do this, said Cindy.

    You mean a t? Sed. A t? No, I  t ? I t about t  to dismiss anyt of hand.

    I dont ts never appealed before.

    I aphorically.

    Im sorry. I dont really understand.

    You clearly feel so a yourself t you dont mind being abused. Isnt t to¡­ Never mind.

    I o perceive  rue t being called names felt good. Or rat felt appropriate.

    You kno poor guy, dont you? No! You see, ts precisely why I called you.

    If Cindy opping rigemptation would oo much for her.

    Luckily, termined to go all the way.

    I mean, een years younger tter-looking. But it  t.  afternoon th yours.

    Yes! Yes! You ponce around on television and screed to c   of going from Frankensteins monster to Brad Pitt.

    ts great.

    Dont you dare put t started. Ive got tuff.

    O ts plenty to be going on h.

    You see? Ex- one.

    MAUREEN  I feel a bit daft explaining ervention day, because it all sounds like too muc I t probably only sounds like a coincidence to me. I kno Im learning to feel t of t to say and  to say in case you make people feel badly for you. So if I say t not t  to make it sound as t  ime in a very quiet room and someone comes up beime  people, and you see a six-foot-tall policeman, . And if noto be peculiar, almost like an Act of God. tretc of shape.

    ep Matty  about squas eac. And even t seemed like sometold Matty about t, if  been t of course if  been to tell. I  ep axi.

    Id  I mean about something?

    Once tled, Stepo Sean,  anyone else yet? And Sean said, No, and I dont to be able to. And Steps just t slaug s looking out of ttle alking about.

    And t quizzes, Maureen? Fancy joining our   team? It doesnt matter if you dont knoe.

    Nos not t amazing story youve ever ?

    I listen to Jess and JJ and Martin, and t sort of to time. t someone in a lift or a bar, and t someone says, ould you like a drink?, or even, ould you like intercourse? And per tercourse, so it could seem to t being offered intercourse, just , is t amazing coincidence. But my impression is t t s just life. One person bumps into anot person s somets somet, things happen.

    Or, to put it anot go out, and never meet anyone, t? But for a moment, I could alk. Id ed to take part in a quiz, and team, and I felt a shiver go down my spine.

    So instead of going ook Matty to te ep  t told t Matty aying turned a o meet in t o get changed.

    I dont knoory to tell you about next. t kno it ion, or later on, after Ive told you about te t, pus, you mig care ill cant decide ting somet is never a coincidence. If you  a c a c cant be a coincidence, can it? And by token, if you  a job and you get a job, t cant be a coincidence eital if you t all. So Ill tell you eam  off Archway, and he offered me a job.

    Its not muc doesnt pay very ion at first. But ting on a bit, and s to go back to bed at nine, after ed t  Steped to join team - as a joke, out of desperation. In betV round and t round,  I did, and I told  do anyt from look after Matty, and t  a job, do you? And a s back up my spine.

    e didnt  of eleven teams, but te pleased . And I kne t kno tyler Moores boss , for example. I kne Jo Catten about tilly trotter and Mary Ann Ss t , rig be  a girlfriend. I told t reliable person to meet.

    A couple of mont a girl  of course it turned out   broter all, and old  because  turned out t  poor. op of t, t t tche life of her dog.

    It  as good as Im making it sound, to tell you trut  soppy. But t Im trying to make is t Im arting to sound like t book, eam. And if Im starting to sound like t to you, to point out things.

    Firstly Id like to point out t getting care for Matty costs more t even as ory t ends  as  really a fairy-story, is it? Secondly Id like to point out t team urn up sometimes, so I  be in every week.

    I ter lemons in t even let me buy a round; to be paid for.

    Maybe it  left me feeling so positive, but at t  be ing to t for a  I could cope for noed to o t for as long as possible. Its going all right so far.

    ter t back to t been to any c been to mine for  t I could go back no tting topped despairing, ¡­ ell, its not my business to t it. It  Friday morning, and talian woman where were a couple of African ladies Id never seen before.

    t to t it old trut   confession, and I confessed to teen Decades of t seemed on teep side, even for t I  complain.

    Sometimes you can forget t God is infinite in  e if Id jumped, mind you, but I .

    And t remember t youre part of a community  the church, Maureen.

    And I said, t I  tell  sort of community to, t tell  they were all despairing sinners.

    Do you remember Psalm ? Call upon Me in trouble; I o toppers rouble seemed to ed too long, and s  me Martin and JJ and Jess, and t me Step me Jack and ts. In oto me t ening.

    ing  evidence? So Id better glorify  I can.

    So t   some stage, but old me  use it any more, because  agree opped you from being o be, and once  to me, I could sort of see ony, or Joanna. ell, you ony or Joanna yesterday, and youll be tony or Joanna tomorroo say ts so typical of Joanna. But t people all in one day. old me to call ever came into my  first  for a drink in a pub and  tside. So ely different personalities in t  toget of opposite types, arent t from bloke  image from bloke in pub. And you cant say, Os so typical of Nodog   to let  in someones garden. It  make sense, ?  ss in someones garden, or any dog at all, come to t? And  is, dad ty deep, but if you t it  makes sense.

    And in t same day tle park doray, because asted like one, and Floe of Asoo. You see   mucter tern  it. I only called er t, and it y, so t one .  y, I mean it y to you out of context sort of ts only really dirty if you dont respect t in my opinion y, not us.

    So tually, I can see one advantage to tern  if someone  to call t you? Its only one small advantage, and tages, including t one of all,  and dont alloo express ourselves as urn us into one t as Im talking about   one name. Nodog s more unusual, and youll kno, and its better t talking about a fucking dog, w.

    So Nodog took me back to er  to be ,  of bloke  I obviously met  a good time. It  a normal sort of a place, tation. It  a converted s  a s didnt sell anyt used to be like an old-fasers, and t covered . Nodogs dog  t ockroom once upon a time. Sually quite comfortable, if you can put up  of discomfort. You can put your clot your telly up on ter tress on toilets, and er, alt hs or showers.

    traigo get it out of t  any good, but   it  I mean, because s didnt really s didnt really   of an effort. Anyime around, Nodogs bits oo, and it o do it again. People go on about t time being important, but its time t really matters. Or the second person, anyway.

    Look at  time, all cut up and sobbing and obsessed. See, if Id been like t a second time, Id o  I really didnt care if I sa, so ts got to be progress, rigs muco get on in life.

    After le black-and-V on, and ress cever, and tarted to talk, and I ended up telling  Jen, and toppers  surprised, or sympatic, or anyt.  nodded, and trying to top myself. And I  be muc it, and , ts not t?

    And I  it? And  to like constantly offer yourself up to to do ed you, ted you, you didnt. So  on Ne made perfect sense to me. Because whey were like being guided by invisible forces?

    And told me t people o t all, and t t to live, and  o bomb countries if tell us to, and if t Fat Mic o listen to t say, No s.

    And everytrue t it sort of made me regret t fein o me, sort of, you  really describe them as brainy, would you?

    Its not like t t it is t  t Nodog, because I  ervention, and to  of.

    And I suppose ts talking, too, if you t it.

    ed to speak to me. And at first I  tea, and sat me do tcable, and t sed to apologize to me about t s, ared at   ed out somet ually blindingly obvious, if you t about it. te earrings, and if t couldnt be a coincidence. And at first I couldnt see  made, because Jen still  around. But  made to  made  care o be nicer to me.

    And I eful to Nodog taug alloo see t seeing t kno for example t prove t to live, s could work for op ch.

    And noeaco accept it, and not tell  upid or pointless.

    to ask, s, s who.

    May I ask  your name? I asked Pacino w made ance.

    me, baffled, alt out t just about any question baffled Pacino. oot, so elligence icularly unfortunate. If anyone ever needed tion of c was Pacino.

    come from?   t names came from anywo  as well oes came from.

    tor called Pacino.

    me.

    Is t heard of him? Nope.

    So you dont ter him? Dunno.

    You never asked? Nope. I dont ask about no ones name.

    Right.

    in? Yeah.

    come from? Yeah.

    I gaped at . I  a loss. Apart from t it s, just as Pacino ion migold  mine iculate w.

    See? Its a ion. Dont mean Im t because I cant ans.

    No. Of course not.

    Otoo.

    t a possibility t I felt I could rule out altogeto feel ts of reasons.

    Pacino o do so after my conversation er seeing a small advertisement in t stop on to. Its a long road, I accept t, but I  Pacino migioned a little furt. If  self-respect is in, say, Sydney, and Id begun t ube station, t Pacino ic enougo see t  going to get me all t volunteering to sit doupid and unattractive ced several t session, umbled over even t   y-odd tube stops before I even got to bloody hrow.

    e began ed to read about football, t story of eam-mates sexism to become tain of team. to be fair to Pacino, once ably contemptuous.

    So score tc? .

    I fear t mighe case, yes.

    But s one leg.

    Indeed.

    Plus shes a girl.

    She is, yes.

    schen? You may well ask.

    Im asking.

    You  to kno to go up tes and laug team.

    Im not sure its a real school.

    So its not even a true story? No.

    Im not fucking bothen.

    Good. Go and ching else.

    o t could find not migerest him.

    are you interested in, actually? Nuffink, really.

    Not all? I quite like fruit. My mum says Im a c-eater.

    Rig gives us someto work on.

    ty-five minutes of our hour remaining.

    So  to live a little longer? And  to learn. And  t of celligent, but disadvantaged by ance, someone uition a o become some kind of ed my o make ture addicted to ure studying Englis Oxford. t  of kid I ed, and instead terest ing fruit. I mean, ernational symbol for ts toilets, and  o tell  elevision.

    Per , t. Per value, you liked yourself more tably helping people.

    Perter taunt  time I s a currency   like any ot all in an evening if you so cy-odd years o save up again. I reckoned t Pacino  ten pence a  own.

    t sentence noo rebuild yourself, piece by piece, ruction book, and no clue as to  bits are supposed to go.

    JJ  Lizzie and Ed bougar and a reet; and o buy me a plane ticket home.

    I cant go , man.

    I o say goodbye, but tube journey  alking about someto buy from tall.

    t a band together.

    I got one here.

    he guys.

    You ts  in Starbucks? I been in a band s before.

    erent ever no perverts in my band.

    about Dollar Bill? Dollar Bill  bass-player.  of us, and  ors son.

    At least Dollar Bill could fucking play.  can your buddies do?   Its not t kind of band.

    Its no kind of band. So,  to  il t until everyones OK.

    Until everyones OK? t girl is deranged. tter off  s the only happy ending for you.

    about you?  t to do s your o be?  are you talking about? I  to kno of tion. tell me in and Maureen and Jess are all fucked, but you¡­ You got a job V.

    ? Im going where Im going.

    Yeaell me w is.

    Fuck you, man.

    Im just trying to make a point.

    Yea it. I got as good a s at a happy ending as your friends.

    t until I get  myself? Or you  me to do it  mean t.

    But I did, I guess.  yourself in t place, t up on t t. tty mucoucance. Im not trying to say ts , or some bulls like t. Im not telling you t suicidal people arent so far aelling you t people  so far a as comforting as I do.

    e o ty days, and I guess Martins suicidologist guy kne. things had changed.

    t c cically, and maybe hem change.

    And in my case any even cter. I could ly say t my circumstances and prospects hey had been on New Years Eve.

    You really going t to t.

    t? I dont know. Life.

    I dont see w.

    Really? S, man. You must be t. I mean, and if you jumped. Seriously. No one  a e.  all ahrowing away?

    Not all. te involved.

    thanks, man.

    Youre  tell it like I see it.

    talking to eacalked to eac anyts gone  just sounded a little meaner telling me t t broken my  preferred elling  t spent mont, but takes  te involved. trick is to see t youre still entitled to your ten anyway.

    Busking isnt so bad. OK, its bad, but its not terrible. ell, OK, its terrible, but its not¡­ Ill come back and finis sentence rue anotime. First day out it felt fucking great, because I  ar in so long, and second day out ty good, too, because tiness tle, and I could feel stuff coming back, cer t, I guess it felt like busking, and busking felt better than delivering pizzas.

    And people do put money on t. I got about ten pounds for playing Losing My Religion to a ussauds, and only a little less from a buncever t day (illiam, It as Really Notate Modern). If I could only kill t job I could o find. Or at least, it  job t involved playing guitar on a side, and  s up rig to you, and plays exactly t like ter. So I start playing Losing My Religion, and arts playing Losing My Religion, and I stop, because it sounds terrible, and tops, and ts so fucking funny o a different spot, and  along  doesnt matter  is kind of impressive. I t Id ts,   doook a pop at er Square, and everyone started booing me, because they all love him.

    But I guess everyone   t get along  on apupidity and futility of your e t not everyone is - to admit t Jerry Lee Pavement is pretty o beat.

    MAUREEN  e met in te toppers iety. to o ttle t everyt sure about t, but t h me.

    I didnt  to go up on though.

    ? said Jess.

    Because people kill there, I said.

    Der, said Jess.

    O on Valentines Day, did you? Martin asked her.

    No, I didnt enjoy it, exactly. But, you know.

    No, I dont knoin.

    Its all part of life, isnt it? People al about unpleasant t;Oting   its all part of life.quot; Ill tell you  of life: going for a crap. No one ever s to see t, do ts t in a film. Lets go and caking a dump this evening.

    us? said Jess. People lock the door.

    But youd c.

    If t, it  of life,  it? So, yes, I would.

    Martin groaned and rolled   o   him again.

    But t privacy, said JJ. And maybe t privacy whemselves.

    So youre saying  t on ? said Jess.

    Because I dont ts rigonigop someone.

    And  fit in and it, youre no o suicide you s t decide, said Martin.

    ed just been talking about a man  a name called Nodog,  t killing yourself ly .

    I never said anyt any of ts¡ª Im sorry. I  alloo interfere.

    No, no. e can interfere. Interfering is part of to do is t it, and after t, op someone, the gods have spoken.

    And if I in, youre exactly t of person Id use as a mouthpiece.

    Are you being dirty? No. Im being complimentary.

    Jess looked pleased.

    So shall we look for someone? she said.

    how do you look for someone? JJ asked her.

    tart.

    e looked around t  after seven, and t many people in yet. In ts, ts looking at a mobile p table nearest t pograp table next to us t notting at there was a middle-aged guy reading a newspaper.

    too much laughing, said Jess.

    Anyone  messages are funny isnt going to kill  enougernally.

    Ive seen some funny text messages, said Jess.

    Yeain. Im not sure t really disproves JJs point.

    S up, said Jess.  about t we can do.

    JJ and Martin looked at eacher and laughed.

    t in. So   or not? Yeains arent going to go up they?

    he looks more, like, deep.

    in. In a moment es going to turn up, and teen pints and a curry.

    Snob.

    Oo be deep to kill yourself?   e all do, said JJ. Dont s of Guinness, Jess drank Red Bull and vodka, and I drank o drink a lot noo  felt  seemed dark , up on t felt as t left some next to tin  tohe river.

    So, said Jess. Anyone up for going over? No one said anyt  a serious question any more, so  smiled.

    Its gotta be a good t? t ill around? said JJ.

    Der, said Jess.

    No, said JJ. It  a rorical question.

    Jess s  t o mean.

    I mean, I really do  to kno to kno know.

    Better t ? said Martin.

    Yea. I guess.

    Its better for your kids, said Jess.

    I suppose so, said Martin. Not t I ever see them.

    Its better for Matty, said JJ, and I didnt say anyt it  really better for Matty at all.

    eve all got loved ones, anyin. And our loved ones han dead. On balance.

    You reckon? said Jess.

    Are you asking me  you to live? Yes, Jess, your parents  you to live.

    Jess made a face, as t believe him.

    this before? said JJ. On New Years Eve?

    I never t of my parents once.

    Because tin. Familys like, I dont knoy. Stronger at some times thers.

    Yup. ts gravity for you. ts   our feet.

    tides, t notice ts¡­ ell, anyway. You know w I mean.

    If some guy came up onig ell him? said JJ.

    Id tell  ty days, said Jess.  Cos its true, isnt it? Yeas true t none of us feel like killing ourselves tonig like¡­ If o us, So tell me  to you since you decided not to go over t ell ell  my job in ts, I said. And the quiz.

    t t. Jess t about saying somet JJ caught her eye, and she changed her mind.

    Yeaer a little w Im f¡ª busking, man. Sorry, Maureen.

    And Im failing to  cin.

    Dont be so  loads of different tions it all.

    Sorry, Maureen, said JJ.

    Yes, excuse me, Maureen.

    I didnt knoy days ago, said Jess.

    Ain. Nodog. t any of   us can boast of. Maureens quiz team excepted, of course.

    I didnt remind  ts. I knos not muc it mig in a bit.

    Lets tell our suicidal friend about Nodog. quot;O a man ime.quot; tll cheer him up.

    ts not aking t did you  to bring all to  out, and now everyones all f¡ª depressed.

    Yea wondering, you know. ill here.

    tin. t.

    In tance s on t big whe London Eye.

    e dont o decide right now, anyway, do we? said JJ.

    Course , said Martin.

    So   anot tually going round? said Martin. I cant tell. e stared at it for a long time, trying to  out. Martin  look as t  it must have been, I suppose.

    ACKNOLEDGMENtS  to:  tony Lacey, endy Carlton, ersen, Joanna Prior, Zelda turner, Eli z, Mary Cranitcon.