《The Joy Luck Club》


 Acknowledgments

teful to ers group for kindness and criticism during ting of to Louis DeMattei, Robert Footco to knoor, Fait, Sandra Dijkstra, for saving my life; and my teacold me to start over again and tiently guided me to the end.

 The Joy Luck Club

ters:

    Suyuan oo—Jing-mei quot;Junequot; oo

    An-mei hsu—Rose hsu Jordan

    Lindo Jong—averly Jong

    Ying-ying St. Clair—Lena St. Clair

 eForeward

    Born in 1952 in Oakland, California to C parents, Amy tan folloics and pursued a career in business ing.

    Any tans relations. An opportunity to travel o C a neive.

    Amy tans first fiction efforts ories. ttracted an agent, Sandra Dijkstra, o Putnams.  40 imes Bestseller list. It ed for tional Book Aional Book Critics Circle A of ted into a feature film in 1994, for er h Bass and ayne ang.

    A stunning literary ac, tender and tenacious bond bet t kno t love and obedience from ters, but t knos t ters keep to tters, ters, and t love them.

 Feathers From a Thousand LI Away

    t many years ago in Sed t vendor,  stretcs neck in  is too beautiful to eat.

    tretco;In America I  like me. But over t American Englisoo full to s became more t was ;

    But ion officials pulled tering o fill out so many forms s w s behind.

    Noer ed to give er tell ;t it comes from afar and carries  all my good intentions.quot; And sed, year after year, for tell er t American English.

 Jing-Mei Woo

    My fato be t to replace my mot at table y since ss.

    quot;S; said my fat;But before it could come out of  greoo big and burst. It must ;

    tor said s t like a rabbit: quickly and  beo  t meeting of the Joy Luck Club.

    t;Auntie Lin cooked red bean soup for Joy Luck. Im going to cook black sesame-seed soup.quot;

    quot;Dont s; I said.

    quot;Its not s; S tong, not t all. It  means tter entions. I can never remember t understand in t place.

    My motarted t Ciff leatrunk filled only ime to pack anyto my fater t. Still ically betton ss and s.

    il ty gave y  Cs, my parents could not refuse tation to join tical advice to improve tudy class on ednesday niger, tice on Saturday mornings. ts met t. Clairs. My mot tragedies t be begin to express in t least, my motold the Joy Luck Club.

    Joy Luck  marriage in Ks  ory sell me te after anot to disturb ake out a box of old ski sers sent to us by unseen relatives from Vancouver. Stom of a ser and pull out a kinky t to a piece of cardboard. And as so roll art ory. Over told me tory, except for ting long so ually into mine.

    quot;I dreamed about K,quot; my mot;I dreamed of jagged peaks lining a curving river,  tops of te mists. And if you could float do trong enougo climb to a bed of soft moss and laugop, you o see everyt would be enougo never have worries in your life ever again.

    quot;In C Kime. t fried fisrying to jump out of a vat of oil. Be a little and trous eleps marco t of t caves. Inside greurnips, and onions. trange and beautiful you cant ever imagine them.

    quot;But I didnt come to Ko see iful it  me and our to Ker  us doory  off to t, to Chungking.

    quot;e kne. Every day, every o ty, croo live. t, est, Nortonese, nort just C foreigners and missionaries of every religion. And tang and t top level to everyone else.

    quot;e y of leftovers mixed toget  been for ty of reason for figo break out among t people. Can you see it? Ser peasants, bankers  didnt matter t everybody so spit on and suffered t-moving diarrink, but everybody complained someone else smelled t. Me? Oed to make my face turn red. But t s o ty diseases.

    quot;So you can see  its beauty for me. I no longer climbed to say,  in ting .  to  and scurried to to  you cant stay in tarts to fade and you become like a starving person, crazy-. Outside I could urnips of t  migop of me. Can you imagine  is, to  to be neitside, to  to be nowhere and disappear?

    quot;So tens scratco ty. And alo find t t been torn apart.

    quot;I t up Joy Luck on a summer nig ed to t. Every place o my second-story ink o go but into my nose. At all  and day, I  kno  slitting t of a runaing a  for lying in  go to to find out.  use  s o do to help me move.

    quot;My idea o able. I kneo ask. ttle money. And t  sty and pleasant and o an old man er life.

    quot;Eac a party to raise money and to raise our spirits. tess o serve special dyansyin foods to bring good fortune of all kinds—dumplings ss, long rice noodles for long life, boiled peanuts for conceiving sons, and of course, many good-luck oranges for a plentiful, s life.

    quot; fine food reated ourselves to  notice t tuffed mostly ringy squas tted e sparingly, not as if   to protest  eat anote, he lucky ones.

    quot;After filling our stomac it  table. My table  red   . table  able tiles her.

    quot;Once arted to play, nobody could speak, except to say Pung! or Caking a tile. e o play  adding to our  after sixteen rounds, , time to celebrate our good fortune. And talk into t until tories about good times in t and good times yet to come.

    quot;O good stories! Stories spilling out all over t laugo deater t ran into top of dinner bo ly in pieces t day! And one about a girl ters for toilet  to her.

    quot;People t o serve banquets every arving, eating rats and, later, t t rats used to feed on. Ot o celebrate ions,  unes, and ed, er, daugher. hnnnh! how could we laugh, people asked.

    quot;Its not t o despair o o prolong  t  of a  burned do? eleparving dogs running doreets  o sit and  for our oo choose our own happiness?

    quot;So o ies and pretend eac past o us. e  alloo t. e feasted, old t stories. And eaco be lucky. t s o call our little parties Joy Luck.quot;

    My moto end tory on a e, bragging about  t;I imes and eased t I rick of a clever t; s;I ens of t I  ricoilet paper  made us laugo te  even good enougo rub on our bottoms.quot;

    I never t my motory  a Cale. times s e to buy a urned t rice into a pot of porridge. Sraded t gruel for t from a pig. t became six eggs, tory always grew and grew.

    And ter I o buy me a transistor radio, after s;; And told me a completely different ending to tory.

    quot;An army officer came to my ; s;and told me to go quickly to my elling me to run arains leaving Keal a her friends.

    quot;I packed my to to Co Ker from people running past me. It errible. Up to t day, tang insisted t Kected by t later t day, treets of Kreing great Kuomintang victories, and on top of tc   tead. er and faster, asking myself at eacep, ere they brave?

    quot;I pusoo cry. I tied scarves into slings and put a baby on eacil deep grooves greo bleed and became too slippery to o anything.

    quot;Along t reasures t gres of fine fabric and books. Paintings of ancestors and carpenter tools. Until one could see cages of ducklings no  and, later still, silver urns lying in too tired to carry ture ime I arrived in C everyt for top of t;

    quot; do you mean by everyt; I gasped at tunned to realize tory rue all along. quot; o t;

    S even pause to t made it clear to tory: quot;Your fat my first  t;

    ting tonig person I see is my fat;time!quot; s true. Everybodys already ies and seventies. t me, alardy, a cill at ty-six.

    Im srying to  time I sa t old me t my mot old my moted and said, quot;You dont even knotle percent of me! ; And s.  Joy Luck?

    quot;Auntie, Uncle,quot; I say repeatedly, nodding to eacie and Uncle. And tand next to my father.

    tures from t Crip. quot;Look at t,quot; ely, pointing to a po of tour group standing on eps. ture t s aken in Cy for t matter. But my fat seem to be looking at ture anys as to ands out. ely indifferent. But  means indifferent because you cant see any differences? ts roubled I th.

    quot;ill you look at t,quot; ing to anot picture.

    too many Coo small kitcoo many once fragrant smells compressed onto a to go into otaurants and ickiness ;

    I  been to t tly t. ie An-mei and Uncle George moved to t district from Coy-five years ago, t neure. Its all till looking mostly neic. turquoise coucables made out of on, changes every year.

    I remember tuff, because  let us toucure except tic coverings. On Joy Luck nigs brougo t, I o take care of all t seemed as if ts able leg.

    quot;You are responsible,quot; said my mot I rouble if anyt, broken, or dirty. I ter and-up collars and blooming brancs. too fancy for real C, and too strange for American parties. In told me ory, I imagined Joy Luck  gatom-tom dances of tV Indians preparing for war.

    But tonigery. ties are all  versions of sturdy able under a lamp t looks like a Spaniss on arts ting by reading tes:

    quot;Our capital account is $24,825, or about $6,206 a couple, $3,103 per person. e sold Subaru for a loss at six and ters. e bougernational at seven. Our to Lindo and tin Jong for ting o be canceled until furtice. e o o bid a fond fareo our dear friend Suyuan and extended our sympato tfully submitted, George  and secretary.quot;

    ts it. I keep tart talking about my mot, to be t day in Kweilin.

    But everybody just nods to approve tes. Even my fatinely. And it seems to me my mothers life has been shelved for new business.

    Auntie An-mei able and moves sloo tco prepare tie Lin, my mot friend, moves to turquoise sofa, crosses cill seated at table. Auntie Ying, ing bag and pulls out tart of a tiny blue ser.

    to talk about stocks terested in buying. Uncle Jack,  mines gold in Canada.

    quot;Its a great ion,quot; y.  Englis accentless. I t, but s . Sly blurred .

    quot;erent o play maonig; I ie Ying, wly deaf.

    quot;Later,quot; s;after midnig;

    quot;Ladies, are you at ting or not?quot; says Uncle George. After everybody votes unanimously for tock, I go into tco ask Auntie An-mei ed investing in stocks.

    quot;e used to play maake all. But t; suffing on, one cick jab of gingery meat dabbed onto a turn  seals to tiny nurses cap. quot;You cant ime ago, o invest in tock market. t. Even your mot;

    Auntie An-mei takes count of tray in front of  on eac;Forty on, eigen eac; so inues stuffing. quot;e got smart. No luck. And ake all. Losers take overs! So everyone can -;

    I cie An-mei make more on. S fingers. S o t o complain about, t Auntie An-mei never t about w she was doing.

    quot;S stupid,quot; said my mot;but s o te and ask for papers for your brot ed to drop  t later salked to someone.  person told  rouble in C person said FBI   and give rouble in t of  person said, You ask for a . I said, You already  still she was scared.

    quot;Aunti An-mei runs t,quot; said my mot;and s know w;

    As I cie An-mei, I see a s bent tened soft fingertips of an old ie An-mei did to inspire a lifelong stream of criticism from my mot seemed my mot in balance. t oo muc, not enougher.

    ts ry. Eacs, sold me.

    too mucemper. t icized for te  and  ss to y t  let my mother speak her mind.

    too little  too quickly to listen to oto stand on your oie An-mei.

    too mucer and you flooo many directions, like myself, for arted , and t off to ary, later becoming a copyer.

    I used to dismiss icisms as just more of itions, beliefs t conveniently fit tances. In my ties, roduction to Psycried to tell  criticize so muc didnt lead to a .

    quot;t,quot; I said, quot;t parents s criticize cead. You knoo otations. And  just means youre expecting failure.quot;

    quot;ts trouble,quot; my mot;You never rise. Lazy to get up. Lazy to rise to expectations.quot;

    quot;time to eat,quot; Auntie An-mei  a steaming pot of ton s able, served buffet style, just like at ts. My fato till sits in an oversize aluminum pan surrounded by little plastic packets of soy sauce. Auntie An-mei must  t Street. ton soup smells e sprigs of cilantro floating on top. Im dra to a large platter of c barbecued pork cut into coin-sized slices, and to a  of ries filled uffings t my moto describe as quot;nutritious t;

    Eating is not a gracious event s as tarving. to t more pieces of pork, one riger t like tain detached delicacy.

    And t as quickly as tarted, t up and leave table. As if on cue, t last morsels and tes and boo tcake turns ed tual? I too put my plate in talking about trip, toment. e pass anot used to be tery ladders are still ted at table. Uncle George is dealing out cards, fast, as tec Pall Mall cigarettes, h one already dangling from his lips.

    And t to to play in t for t feels t soon ical narroe c translucent. Rose and I used to pluck t  our boy problems. Everyt nos in ter. And next to it is a floor lamp, a long black pole ligtac.

    Nobody says to me, quot;Sit o sit.quot; But I can tell even before everyone sits do to tiness to it. But t really o do s able. it ell me, I kno.

    t is ion from whe wind comes from.

    Auntie An-mei, , spills tiles onto t tabletop and to me, quot;No; e sion. to one another.

    quot;Do you ; asks Auntie Lin across from me. S smiling.

    quot;I only played a little in college ;

    quot;Ann; sed tones. quot;Not t; t my moto say, altly why.

    quot;Maybe I s play tonig c; I offer.

    Auntie Lin looks exasperated, as t; table ie Yings o join. Your fats decided.quot;

    quot;s t tell by  or just titude toward Chinese and Jewish people.

    quot;Entirely different kind of playing,quot; sion voice. quot;Je;

    tco C;C play using your ricky. You must c everybody else t in your rategy. Youre just cakes.quot;

    tions made me feel my mot languages, o her in English, she answered back in Chinese.

    quot;So ie Lin.

    quot;Aii-ya,quot; s;Your mot teac;

    Auntie Ying pats my ;You a smart girl. You cack tiles and make four ;

    I folloie Ying, but mostly I cie Lin. Sest, c s. Auntie Ying told t Auntie Lin   o play. Auntie Ying is tie An-mei is t. And tart taking tiles, ting back on to t number of spots iles, sequences of bamboo and balls, doubles of colored number tiles, odd tiles t do not fit anywhere.

    quot;Your mot, like a pro,quot; says Auntie An-mei wing iles, considering each piece carefully.

    Noo play, looking at our ing tiles, picking up ot an easy, comfortable pace. ties begin to make small talk, not really listening to eac. Auntie Ying mentions s yarn at  in tie An-mei brags about a ser ser Rut;S it ore-boug; she says proudly.

    Auntie Lin explains  at a store clerk  urn a skirt ;I ;mad to deat;

    quot;But Lindo, you are still  die,quot; teases Auntie Ying, and tie Lin says Pung! and Mailes out, laug Auntie Ying art  gro. Im getting bored and sleepy.

    quot;Oory,quot; says Auntie Ying loudly, startling everybody. Auntie Ying ie, someone lost in o say, quot;Auntie Ying is not ening.quot;

    quot;Police arrested Mrs. Emersons son last ; Auntie Ying says in a  sounds as if so be t ;Mrs. Cold me at coo many tV set found in ;

    Auntie Lin quickly says, quot;Aii-ya, Mrs. Emerson good lady,quot; meaning Mrs. Emerson didnt deserve sucerrible son. But no of Auntie An-mei, ed tolen car stereos. Auntie An-mei is rubbing ile carefully before discarding it. She looks pained.

    quot;Everybody Vs in C; says Auntie Lin, c. quot;Our family tV sets—not just black-and- color and remote! t o visit t  give it to us, but I t.quot;

    Poor Auntie An-mei rubs iles ever elling me about trip to Cie An-mei o spend on cases. One s amp; Ced casant  ce ure marsold me tained t ridiculous clot California-style beacton pants ic s, bomber jackets, Stanford sss, crew socks.

    My motold ;s t  money.quot; But Auntie An-mei said ook to Cour finally arrived in o meet t  just Auntie An-meis little brot also epbrotepsisters, and a distant cousin, and t cousins   t lucky enougo ives to show off.

    As my motold it, quot;Auntie An-mei  for C standards. But  everyone  and s y ;

    My moted tss, tcases ied, tives asked .

    Auntie An-mei and Uncle George  for tVs and refrigerators but also for a nigy-six people in tel, for t tables at a restaurant t catered to rics for eacive, and finally, for a loan of five to a cousins so-called uncle o buy a motorcycle but rain pulled out of  day, ted of some nine ter, after an inspiring Cmastime service at t Cist Cie An-mei tried to recoup  truly o give to receive, and my motime friend  least several lifetimes.

    Listening noo Auntie Lin bragging about tues of  Auntie Lin is oblivious to Auntie An-meis pain. Is Auntie Lin being mean, or is it t my motold anybody but me tory of Auntie An-meis greedy family?

    quot;So, Jing-mei, you go to sc; says Auntie Lin.

    quot;; says Auntie Ying.

    quot;ts okay,quot; I say, and I really mean it. In fact, its even becoming faso use their Chinese names.

    quot;Im not in sc; I say. quot;t en years ago.quot;

    Auntie Lins eyebroer,quot; s I kno about my being a failure, a quot;college drop-off,quot; about my going back to finish.

    Once again I old my mot sed to ;Youre rigo it.quot;

    I anding about t s really mean I  I ry to respect  listening to Auntie Lin tonigood one anotranslated eaco  ie Lin I o sco get a doctorate.

    Auntie Lin and my mot friends and arc a lifetime comparing tie Lins prized daugime tons,  er,  averly  playing crop monted ies sed.

    I knoed listening to Auntie Lin talk about averly  first my motried to cultivate some ired piano teaco practice on in exco become a concert pianist, or even an accompanist for t I e-blooming, like Einstein, arded until he discovered a bomb.

    No is Auntie Ying s and begin again.

    quot;Did you knoo oodside?quot; asks Auntie Ying  tiles, talking to no one in particular. Sries for some modesty. quot;Of course, its not best  million-dollar  yet. But its good investment. Better t. Better tting you under to rub you out.quot;

    So noie Yings daugold  my being evicted from my apartment on loious about telling eacoo mucill, tle o one anoten comes back in anots talking in circles.

    quot;Its getting late,quot; I say after  to stand up, but Auntie Lin puso the chair.

    quot;Stay, stay. e talk ao kno; s;Been a long time.quot;

    I knoe gesture on ties part—a protest  as eager to see me go as I am to leave. quot;No, I really must go no; I say, glad I remembered ense goes.

    quot;But you must stay! e ant to tell you, from your mot; Auntie Ying blurts out in oo-loud voice. table, as if t ended to break some sort of bad neo me.

    I sit doie An-mei leaves turns s, tly ss t, as if nobody knew wo begin.

    It is Auntie Ying ant t on ; sing Engliso speak in Cly.

    quot;Your motrong s o find ers in C;

    t ters. And no t of to be reclaimed. Somebody took t me forever, gone back to Co get tie Yings voice.

    quot;Sten letters back and fort; says Auntie Ying. quot;And last year s an address. So tell your fat a sime of ing.quot;

    Auntie An-mei interrupts ed voice: quot;So your aunties and I, e to t; s;e say t a certain party, your mot to meet anotain party. And ty e back to us. ters, Jing-mei.quot;

    My sisters, I repeat to myself, saying toget time.

    Auntie An-mei is  of paper as tissue. In perfectly straigical roten in blue fountain-pen ink. A ear? I take tter   my sisters must be to be able to read and e Chinese.

    ties are all smiling at me, as tie Ying is  to June oo for $1,200. I cant believe it.

    quot;My sisters are sending me money?quot; I ask.

    quot;No, no,quot; says Auntie Lin ed voice. quot;Every year  fancy restaurant. Most times your mot is  a little, so you can go ake a train to Sers. Besides, ting too ricoo fat.quot; ss omach for proof.

    quot;See my sisters,quot; I say numbly. I am a, trying to imagine  lie my aunties old to mask ty. I am crying noime, seeing but not understanding ty to my mother.

    quot;You must see your sisters and tell t your mot; says Auntie Ying. quot;But most important, you must tell t  kno no;

    quot;See my sisters, tell t my mot; I say, nodding. quot; ell t my mot kno;

    ties are looking at me as if I  before their eyes.

    quot;Not kno; cries Auntie An-mei ;;

    quot;tell tories of your family ; offers Auntie Lin.

    quot;tell tories sold you, lessons saug you kno  ; says Auntie Ying. quot;You mot lady.quot;

    I ;tell tell t; as eacie frantically tries to t should be passed on.

    quot;;

    quot;ness.quot;

    quot;iful nature to family.quot;

    quot; matter to ;

    quot;t dis;

    quot;Imagine, a daug knowing ;

    And t occurs to me. tened. In me, ters, just as ignorant, just as unmindful of all trut to America. ters   mean to ters, t to t;joy luckquot; is not a  does not exist. ters ing ion to generation.

    quot;I ell t; I say simply, and ties look at me ful faces.

    quot;I  ell t; I say more firmly. And gradually, one by one, t my ill look troubled, as if somet of balance. But t rue.  more can t more can I promise?

    to eating t boiled peanuts, saying stories among times in t and good times yet to come. A broter cry urns nine terest. A youngest son V repair business is so good overs to Cer . the lucky ones.

    And I am sitting at my mot table, on t, whings begin.

 Scar

    An-Mei hsu

    old me my mot. t mean my mot o talk about. So I kneed me to forget my moto remember not I kneall stairs. ties family tle brother.

    But I often ories of a g o take crong-tle girls imes Popo said aloud to all  of tupid goose, t nobody ed, not even good enougo crack over rice porridge. S ts  steal us ao Popo we were also very precious.

    All my life, Popo scared me. I became even more scared ten o errible stink and tell me stories. quot;An-mei,quot; s;Listen carefully.quot; Sold me stories I could not understand.

    One  a greedy girl ter. ter refusing to say er melon.

    quot;If you are greedy, w is inside you is w makes you always ; said Popo.

    Anotime, Popo told me about a girl en to o refuse ies simple request t a little we ball fell from  poured all h.

    quot;Your os are so busy s everyts pus,quot; Popo told me.

    Rigalked to me about my mot;Never say ; s;to say o spit on your fat;

    ting t o be so still on tless eyes follo tcc. So sometimes,  sc a book t see my face.

    I felt our  my little brot seem to tyard, c. Inside t ies best feating village friends.

    But even my brot aside cyard. Just as it passed our gate, ture of toppled from its stand and fell to ty ground. An old lady screamed and fainted. My brotie slapped him.

    My auntie, old  for ancestors or family, just like our motie ongue like ing silk clotie said our motless s taking ture from o my fat bringing en pairs of silver cicks,  paying respect to my fators. ie of frigie sed t our motsing her bad children.

    And  Auntie alking c a  te and spat on his face.

    quot;You trong  me, but you are not; Auntie said. quot;You are ttle respect sraitor to our ancestors. S even t look doo see ;

    t is and tories Popo taugo learn for my mot;; Popo often said, quot;it is like dropping your necklace do it back is to fall in after it.quot;

    Noless imes to eat anot fruit, o be free of Popo,  c unlucky t s s us. ts I  ch me.

    I ting at top of tairs ood just inside t aller tie, almost as tall as my uncle. Srange, too, like t our sc and bossy in too-tall s hair.

    My auntie quickly looked a call ea. An old servant ried to keep very still, but my  felt like crickets scratco get out of a cage. My mot  me. Eyes t stayed oo much.

    In Popos room my auntie protested, quot;too late, too late,quot; as my mot t stop my mother.

    quot;Come back, stay ; murmured my moto Popo. quot;Nuyer is er is back.quot; Popos eyes  noions, not staying long enougo see anyt of the room.

    I c time, tty e skin and oval face, not too round like Aunties or s se neck, just like t  so float back and fort, dipping cool cloto lay on Popos bloated face. As so Popos eyes, s c it ten dream.

    urned to my room later t afternoon, sanding tall. And because I remember Popo told me not to speak ood te. Sook my o ttee. And t dohis every day.

    My moto loosen my braids and brusrokes.

    quot;An-mei, you er?quot; s look.

    I looked at  inside I rembling. I er melon.

    quot;An-mei, you kno look for fear my  and my brains  of my ears.

    Sopped brus t , I became very still. It o my skin. And to cry, hers voice.

    I able, and I could see my baby brotting on Popos lap, crying eaming dark soup brougo table, voices murmuring politely, quot;C;—Please, eat!

    And talking stopped. My uncle rose from urned to look at tall ood. I he only one who spoke.

    quot;Ma,quot; I  my auntie slapped my face and pusanding up and sing, and I ;An-mei! An-mei!quot; Above this noise, Popos shrill voice spoke.

    quot;? Not an  a numbertake your daugo lift up ;

    Still my moted for me to come. I remember able. Betood t on its  stand—rocking slo t hough everyones anger were pouring all over me.

    terrible t a little c. But it is still in my skins memory. I cried out loud only a little, because soon my fleso burst inside and out and cut off my breathing air.

    I could not speak because of terrible c see because of all tears t poured out to  away.

    Later t nigo me.

    quot;An-mei, listen carefully.quot; one s;An-mei, ton.quot;

    I listened, scared.

    quot;An-mei,quot; sly. quot;Your dying clot fancy, because you are still a c life and you ill o. Your funeral ime for you ;

    And t he burning on my neck.

    quot;Even your motears and left. If you do not get ;

    Popo . I came o find my mother.

    Every nig bot to my bed sat Popo. Ser over my neck from t. Sil my breat and I could fall asleep. In the dead membranes.

    In time, my scar became pale and s is t is o close in on itself, to protect  started the pain.

    I anding by Popos bed  t I came to love t because so me and begged me to forgive . S need to explain t Popo c of t need to tell me ssing to exchis as well.

    o love my motrue nature.  h my skin. Inside my bones.

    It e at nig to Popos room. My auntie said it ime and I must s. I put on a clean dress and stood betie and uncle at t of Popos bed. I cried a little, not too loud.

    I sa and sad. So teaming pot. And t a s test part of ried to close my eyes, but could not.

    And t a piece of meat from ears poured from o the floor.

    My motook  it in t tradition to try to cure  time. Soo tigrying to keep  in. S t nigh her illness.

    Even the pain.

    ter  is s is in your bones. t forget. Because sometimes t is to remember  peel off your skin, and t of your motil thing. No scar, no skin, no flesh.

 The Red Candle

    Lindo Jong

    I once sacrificed my life to keep my parents promise. to you, because to you promises mean noter can promise to come to dinner, but if sraffic jam, if ss to ce movie on tV, she no longer has a promise.

    I c come. to come back and marry t;Promise! Promise! , my promise is as good as gold.quot; to t  come back.  is only fourteen carats.

    to Ceen carats isnt real gold. Feel my bracelets. t be ty-four carats, pure inside and out.

    Its too late to c Im telling you t your baby. I  someday s;t. Ill never forget you.quot; But later, s  sher.

    In to o marry raigs to cry. quot;Yes,quot; s last, and they marry forever.

    t my case. Instead, tco my family old me t all. It ime, very  and dusty outside, and I could rees in our orcs and my brotting in my mot sticky arms. I  of me floated a small bird  of me ery quot;s; sounds. o recognize t, range to taiyuan peoples ears.

    t my face  talking. tery voice ed face t ing. tree trunk. S at me, t ted lady.

    Of course, noree-trunk lady caitai, to marry. No, its not true  depends on  h a good clean color.

    tc me: quot;An eart marriage combination.quot; Sted my arm and I pusaitai  tc;Not so, not so. Srong o be a ;

    And taitai looked do me rate my ts and see my future intentions. I  ootaring at me like t of eeto swallow me down in one piece.

    troto aitais son,  a baby, one year younger tyan-yu—tyan for quot;sky,quot; because ant, and yu, meaning quot;leftovers,quot; because yan-yu over of . But s urn ttention to take ead. So tched him carefully, made all his decisions, and he became very spoiled.

    But even if I ting sucer. t  to give up stupid old-fasoms. In oties already, a man could cs permission of course. But  off from type of ne. You never ter in anoty, only if told stories of sons s out into treet. So, taiyuanese motinued to cers-in-lao their graves.

    Because I o treating me as if I belonged to somebody else. My moto me o my face too many times, quot;Look aitais daug.quot;

    My mot treat me t love me. Sing back ongue, so s wis was no longer hers.

    I ually a very obedient c sometimes I  or tired or very ill. t;Suc  you and our o make my face uglier.

    quot;Its no use,quot; my mot;e ract. It cannot be broken.quot; And I would cry even harder.

    I didnt see my future il I side of taiyuan. My family lived in a modest tory  t, and t on a little eps to  it  centuries of  o stle c oaiyuan. ter, t-moving spots. In t ill, h cold.

    O to t many fis slippery creatures plucked  even after tted tails  pan.

    t  sale boy.  off,  a baby.

    Later I . And o eat everyto urning inky pickle and not a s cake.

    So I didnt ant love for my future elevision today. I t of troublesome cousin. I learned to be polite to to aitai. My motoai and say, quot; do you say to your mot; And I  knourn to my real mot;Excuse me, Ma,quot; and turn to aitai and present tle goodie to eat, saying, quot;For you, Mot; I remember it tle dumpling I loved to eat. My motold aitai I s steamy sides  onto te.

    My life cely  destroyed all t my family ed t year and made to come. Even our op of ttle ory, ure icky mud. tyards tered ed trees, broken bits of walls, and dead chis mess.

    You couldnt go to an insurance company back ted your oies. My fat to move to uso t t for me, ely. I e from my family and live he huangs.

    t pot no truck o come to ture and bedding o be left beo te practical. t  stop my mot of a tablet of red jade.  it around my neck, sed very stern, so I kne disgrace us,quot; s;Act ;

    t next to touc  time I realized tter position tand ai and tyan-yu had such long noses.

    one-and-eoring supplies, ots and t buildings stood the main house.

    I ared at t ions. It  really so old or remarkable, but I could see it ories, one for eacion: great-grandparents, grandparents, parents, and c ily built and tions ing too many opinions. t level  of river rocks ogetrao give it toop level opped ile roof. to make tant, to t door. ted red, as aitai,  the roof.

    Inside, t kind of pretense. t floor, s. tained tables and c of red lacquer, fine pillo style, and many precious t gave tige. t of table and noisy s of ty relatives. I tion t in o make two.

    No big celebration ai didnt ing me in t floor. tyan-yu  to greet me. Instead, aitai airs to to tc usually go. ts. So I kneanding.

    t first day, I stood in my best padded dress at table and began to cables. I could not keep my eady. I missed my family and my stomac bad, knoermined to s ai could never accuse my mot  from our family.

    As I  ooping over table gutting a fis me from tell aitai. So I gave a big smile and sed, quot; a lucky girl I am. Im going to  life.quot; And in t oo close to ;S;— kind of fool are you? And I kne declaration of  tricked myself into t migrue.

    I sayan-yu at till a fe ed like a big o make me cry.   enoug . ed until I  doo eat and t face w him.

    Over t feai instructed ts to teaco seure familys name. ied aitai used to say as sroduced me to a neask. I dont taitai ever soiled  s calling out orders and criticism.

    quot;teaco er runs clear.  eat muddy rice,quot; so a cook servant.

    Anotime, sold a servant to so clean a c: quot;Make  o to make sure its clean.quot; t  o cook so  I could smell if t stuffing oo salty before I even tasted it. I could sec looked as if ted on. And even aitai complained in a pretend manner t sy blouse on t hes every day.

    After a  errible life, no, not really. After a  day?  isfying taitai nod and pat my rokes? er seeing tyan-yu eat a  its taste or my looks? Its like tV t a stain so tter than new.

    Can you see  o tyan-yu as a god, someone aitai as my real moted to please, someone I s question.

    urned sixteen on taitai told me so  spring. Even if I  ed to marry, rong as a he Japanese were in every corner of China.

    quot;ted guests,quot; said tyan-yus grandmot;and ts ai e plans, but our wedding was very small.

    Sire village and friends and family from oties as  do RSVP. It  polite not to come. aitai didnt ture o an impressive do parlor. aitai aken care to remove all ter and mud marks. So e felicitous messages on red banners, as if my parents tions to congratulate me on my good luck. And so rent a red palanquin to carry me from o the wedding ceremony.

    A lot of bad luck fell on our ceently round and bigger time of t teention, it began to rain, a very bad sign. ning began, people confused it  leave their houses.

    I er t poor aitai ed many o come, and finally, s out of o start t could s che war.

    I  to come doting at a small dressing table by an open o cry and t bitterly about my parents promise. I s muddy broers. I t about to t royed my familys range ts  life is about to end.

    It started to rain again, just a ligairs called up to me once again to s became more urgent, more strange.

    I asked myself,  is true about a person? ould I c still be tains bloside rain   time I could see t see tself, but I could see it carried ter t filled tryside. It caused men to yelp and dance.

    I   rong. I  no one could see, t no one could ever take ahe wind.

    I to myself. And ts up. But underneatill knes  myself.

    t see anyt of me. But ives noertainers es. And to come out for a free meal. I even sas and t o make ty look bigger.

    Someone took my o my fate. But I was no longer scared. I could see w was inside me.

    A ed talked too long about pue. tc our birtes and ility. I tipped my veiled o see.

    tyan-yus name, tced bot;t; tyan yanked t  me.  acted as if  claimed tire courtyard by fanning ill-s tail.

    I saced red candle in a gold  to a nervous-looking servant. t o c and all nigo make sure neit out. In tco s, a little piece of black as;tinuously at bot going out. t can never be broken.quot;

    I still can remember. t candle   to divorce. It meant I couldnt divorce and I couldnt ever remarry, even if tyan-yu died. t red candle o seal me forever erward.

    And sure enougcion t morning and s I know w really ayed up all nig my marriage.

    After t, our small y puso to our small bedroom. People c s. t tyan-yus age made us sit on turn red side our open o jump into my husbands arms.

    After everyone left,  t es, still listening to tside.  gre, tyan-yu said, quot;t;  to me. I ed until  up quietly and  outside, doairs and into tyard.

    Outside it smelled as if it  and feeling t  still inside tyard I could see tc t open ing at a table, looking very sleepy as ts special gold  doree to ce being decided for me.

    I must artled as  to lose its oo, I t, and no and t of tyard and do and o, I ill laug a little he breeze.

    I  ted me up and my feet ran me across tyard to t room. But I  candle go out. It fluttered a little and t do still botrong. My t filled  it finally burst and ble my he candle.

    I immediately s a knife  me do noto my room  guilty steps.

    t morning tcion in front of tyan-yu, s, and myself. quot;My job is done,quot; so ts shame-faced, mournful look.

    I learned to love tyan-yu, but it is not op of me and do ime I  into our bedroom, my anding up. But during t montouc in  on my sofa.

    In front of s, I   as taugructed to kill a fres until pure juice came out. I rain to a boer. I gave to , murmuring good onic soup called tounau,   ingredients t guarantee long life for mother-in-law very much.

    But it  enougo keep aitai and I ting in t my c a pet frog I once kept named Big ind. aitai seemed restless, as if sctom of ood up from o me, and slapped my face.

    quot;Bad ; s;If you refuse to sleep o feed you or clot; So ts  my o avoid  I said noto my parents to be an obedient wife.

    t nig on tyan-yus bed and ed for o touc . I  nigraig to ill  touc nigook off my gown.

    ts yan-yu. urned  it tle boy ly toyan-yu. It  like t more like ter protects a younger brot my go to o be afraid. I yanyu. oucable bed to sleep on.

    After more montomacs remained small and flat, aitai fleo anot;My son says ed enoug must be you are doing somet; And after t so t  spill out so easily.

    O is so muco lie in bed all day, never getting up. But I tell you it aitai became a little crazy.

    Sold ts to take all s of tting off  generation. S concentrate and t imes a day, a very nice servant girl o my room, apologizing time asting medicine.

    I envied t times as I c girl, standing in tyard, bargaining raveling s girls, scolding a easing voice.

    One day, after t any results, aitai called tco tce and taitai about my nature. Finally, tc;Its clear s. Your dauger, and eart in metal, ions and noal. Soo balanced to ;

    turned out to be joyous neai, for ster to reclaim all o ile. And it oo. Because after t lig al. You begin to t person. t day I started to t  breaking my promise to my family.

    It e simple. I made t o get rid of me, t to say tract  valid.

    I t about my plan for many days. I observed everyone around me, ts ts tival of Pure Brigs must be clear as you prepare to t your ancestors. ts to to clear to sones and tual food. Os not a somber day, more like a picnic, but it o someone looking for grandsons.

    On t day, I yan-yu and tire  took aitai a long time to come into my room. quot;s ; s;Go make .quot; But finally, after my  stop, so my room, scolding me at top of her voice.

    I cerrible pain. I e convincing, because aitai drew back and grew small like a scared animal.

    quot;s tle daugell me quickly,quot; she cried.

    quot;Os too terrible to too terrible to say,quot; I said between gasps and more wailing.

    After enoug ;I ; I reported. quot;Our ancestors came to me and said ted to see our yan-yu and I ors. e sac t to t to cors ;

    aitai looked impatient as I began to cry softly again. quot;But t left t. And our ancestors became very angry. ted t t tyan-yus end of t! Our ancestors said tyan-yu ;

    tyan-yus face turned  aitai only fro; a stupid girl to ; And to go back to bed.

    quot;Mot; I called to ;Please dont leave me! I am afraid! Our ancestors said if tter is not settled, truction.quot;

    quot; is t; cried aitai, turning back toyan-yu folloo t.

    quot;t believe me,quot; I said in a remorseful tone, quot;because t  to leave ts of my marriage. So our ancestors said t to sting.quot;

    quot; nonsense from your stupid ; said aitai, sig s resist. quot; signs?quot;

    quot;In my dream, I sa;

    quot;tyan-yus grandfat; asked aitai. I nodded, remembering ting I he wall.

    quot;,  on tyan-yus back, and t  ayan-yus fles as it ate aors face before ;

    aitai quickly turned to tyan-yu and pulled  up. quot;Ai-ya!quot; s ip, just as I  t five monter and brother.

    quot;And tor touc; and I patted my c already . quot;eetart to fall out one by one, until I could no longer protest leaving t;

    aitai pried open my mout in tted toot four years ago.

    quot;And finally, I sa girls o come from a bad family. But s;

    I lay my oo tired to go on. aitai pus; does ;

    quot; girl is tyan-yus true spiritual ed o tyan-yus c;

    By mid-morning tc over to our racted errible confession.

    And after muc girl I liked so mucceasing voice become smaller wer, I comach fear and worry.

    So you can imagine o tell trut ry. I er sruck yan-yu ss to sors graves not just once a year, but once a day.

    to tory. t blame me so mucaitai got  my cloticket to Peking, and enougo go to America. t I never tell anybody of any importance about tory of my doomed marriage.

    Its a true story,  my promise, al I can noo your brots. ttle extra money, I buy anot. I knoy-four carats, all genuine.

    But Ill never forget. On tival of Pure Brigake off all my bracelets. I remember t and could follo. t  to forget myself.

    is to be t girl again, to take off my scarf, to see ness come back into my body!

 The Moon Lady

    Ying-Ying St. Clair

    For all t my mout fall out. And because I remained quiet for so long no er fluid.

    All t my true nature cly noo buy,  of balance, ray sitting crooked on a straigable.

    And I  to tell , s seeing, un hers.

    I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over tone are er.

    Yet today I can remember a time and still. It is my earliest recollection: telling t wis w I wis memory remained hese many years.

    But noails of t entire day, as clearly as I see my daughe foolishness of her life.

    In 1918, t I ival arrived during an autumn in us erribly .  morning, teentra covering my bed icky. Everyt grass simmering in t.

    Earlier in ts ains to drive out t, our only bedding during tant  . And t bricks of tyard umn   its cool mornings and evenings. And so tale  still remained in tains, ing up t, seeping into my pillo morning less complaint.

    tside, somet fragrance t er. quot;s t stinky smell?quot; I asked my amao appear next to my bed tant I  in a little room next to mine.

    quot;It is terday,quot; sing me out of my bed and setting me on ried to remember he morning before.

    quot;e are burning t; I said dro of op of a little stool and looked out to tyard beloail t billo t of a colorful box decorated ures: a sipede, a dropping-doe of any one of tures could kill a co t t knoo coes and small flies.

    t day, instead of dressing me in a ligton jacket and loose trousers, Ama out a  and skirt outlined h black bands.

    quot;No time to play today,quot; said Ama. quot;Your motiger clotival….quot; Sed me into ts. quot;Very important day, and noo t;

    quot; is a ceremony?quot; I asked as Ama over my cotton undergarments.

    quot;It is a proper o be, so t punis; said Amaened my frog clasps.

    quot; kind of punis?quot; I asked boldly.

    quot;too many questions!quot; cried Ama;You do not need to understand. Just be to t s;

    I boiced tiny embroidered peonies groc, gently nudging floo bloom on th.

    And tyard. Standing on my stool, I strained to find t t: quot;…feel my arm, steamed soft clear to t; Many relatives from tival and aying for the week.

    Amaried to pull a ended to tumble off tool as soon as s.

    quot;Stand still, Ying-ying!quot; s, ool again, sed my o a single braid off to to it five strands of colorful silk. So a tigrands until to a neat tassel.

    So inspect ing in t and pants obviously made tentions.  kind of day could be h so much suffering?

    quot;Pretty,quot; pronounced Amahough I wore a scowl on my face.

    quot;oday?quot; I asked.

    quot;Dajyaquot;—All t;e are all going to tai Lake. ted a boat onig t;

    quot;t; I said, jumping up and do deliger I ceased to be amazed  sounds of my voice saying neugged Ama;;

    quot;Coday is t wis;

    quot; is a secret wis;

    quot;It is  but cannot ask,quot; said Amah.

    quot; I ask?quot;

    quot;t…it is no longer a aug it is o ten.quot;

    quot;t;

    quot;Ai! You ask too muc an ordinary person.quot;

    Satisfied at last, I immediately said: quot;tell   to ;

    quot;A just explain?quot; said Ama;No you ioned to me, it is not a secret wis;

    During to go to t aling one more ter breakfast everybody kept talking about ttle consequence. I grew more worried and une.

    quot;…Autumn moon ; Baba ing a long poem  stone inscriptions.

    quot;t line,quot; explained Baba, quot;s meaning  lost to posterity forever.quot;

    quot;A fortunately,quot; said my uncle, ;you are a dedicated sc ory and literature. You o solve it, I t;

    My fat;Mist flo. O!…quot;

    Mama elling my aunt and to mix various s to produce a balm: quot;ts. Rub it vigorously until your skin s and t.quot;

    quot;Ai! But ?quot; lamented t;Botside oo tender to even touc;

    quot;It is t,quot; complained anotie. quot;Cooking all your flestle.quot;

    quot;And burning your eyes!quot; exclaimed my great-aunt.

    I sigime tarted a neopic. Amaiced me and gave me a mooncake in t. S in tyard and eat it tle ers, Number three.

    It is easy to forget about a boat e t led to tyard, umbled and so see o tone benc. I , so I sat in t,  in t ear for eac doug filling or egg yolk inside, but my ers oo little to knoter.

    quot;Sister likes me better,quot; said Number to Number three.

    quot;Me better,quot; said Number to Number two.

    quot;Dont make trouble,quot; I said to te ts body, rolling my tongue over my lips to lick off ticky bean paste.

    e picked crumbs off one anoter  it gre and once again I became restless. Suddenly I saransparent  off to c, and my ers folloing t flew away.

    quot;Ying-ying!quot; I anding in tyard and my mote. Ama doo smoot. quot;Syin yifu! Yidafad;—Your neress.

    My moto me. Sucked to my coiled braid. quot;A boy can run and c is ure,quot; s;But a girl sand still. If you are still for a very long time, a dragonfly  o you and  of your s; t and t me in t courtyard.

    Standing perfectly still like t, I discovered my s first it  a dark spot on ts t covered tyard bricks. It  legs and long arms, a dark coiled braid just like mine.  ss urned to  follourned back around quickly and it faced me. I lifted t to see if I could peel off my s it , on t at my so tree, c disappeared. I loved my s less nature.

    And t;Ying-ying! It is time. Are you ready to go to t; I nodded my o run to; admonished Amah.

    Our entire family anding outside, cting excitedly. Everybody ant-looking cloty silk   ers unics and so did t embroidered ers for long life. Even t on t cloto celebrate: Mamas aunt, Babas mot-uncles fat iny steps and then a scared look.

    ts icky rice us leaves, some filled ed  lotus seeds; a small stove for boiling er for  tea; anotaining cups and boton sack of apples, pomegranates, and pears; sy earts and vegetables; stacks of red boxes lined s for our afternoon nap.

    to ricksting next to t t moment, before  off, I  of Ama of to t, er to our o be my nursemaid. But I   of Ama, t ter in ter, a blessing you appreciate and love only here.

    ted to feel no cooling breezes. Our ricks and ting like  tcarted climbing aboard a large boat our family ed. t looked like a floating teayard. It ile roof, and be w looked like a garden h round windows.

    urn, Amaig as soon as my feet toucoget peoples legs enclosed in billoo see o run t.

    I loved teady feeling of almost falling one erns ers and I ran our fingers over bencables in traced our fingers over tterns of tal o see ter beloo find!

    I opened a o t a room t looked like a large sitting area. My sisters folloo us, as we shyly smiled and backed away.

    At t icks into a tall cove, a ing close to t,  looked to be a piece of string attaco a er. t even a glance.

    e returned to t of t, just in time to see ted on bencoes ligalking in deep, serious voices. My brotick and er as if t go faster. ts ed in a cluster at t, ing er for tea, sed gingko nuts, and emptying out hampers of food for a noonday meal of cold dishes.

    Even tai Lake is one of t in all of C day it seemed cros: ros, pedal boats, sailboats, fiss, and floating pavilions like ours. So en passed ot to trail ter, some drifting by asleep beneated umbrella.

    Suddenly I ;A; and I t, At last, to ts and uncles laugicks to pick up dancing sill squirming in tiny legs bristling. So t ter ained, freser so a spicy bean-curd sauce and popping into es and a swallow.

    But tement soon ernoon seemed to pass like any ot lessness after ttle dro tea. Amaelling me to lie do. t as everyone slept ttest part of the day.

    I sat up and sao t. tal ring around its neck. One boy o tied a to a loop on tal neck ring. t se  on top of ter. I o t t me er and disappeared.

    One of t made of es into ter and top of t. In a fes ruggling to o a large fiso t and tried to s of course, s neck, it could not. In one motion, t snatc to t. I clapped my er again.

    For t , I c ing its turn, as fiser fiso land in a . ter cried to t;Enoug; and t sed to someone op t of t I could not see. And loud clanks and ed as once again t began to move. t to me dove into ter. Bot on t and crouctle yello bobbing on ter.

    It ure. But I stayed, as if caugurned around and a sullen ting in front of t of fiscook out a so slice open t to ter turtle t stretc its neck to bite a stick, and—. t a o tco see.

    It  until too late, t I sas of bloods, flecks of fiss of feat a strange mind I o of t, I quickly dipped my urtles blood and smeared t of my pants and jacket. And t I truly t: t I could cover ts by painting all my clot if I stood perfectly still no one ice this change.

    t is ion covered ill error, running over to see ing my ears and my nose and counting my fingers, s t t. S, pulled off my pants. S;somet; and I looked like quot;somet.quot; rembling not so muc;Your moto ;So Kunming.quot; And truly frig Kunming o visit, and t it one forest ruled by monkeys. Ama me crying on t, standing in my ton undergarments and tiger slippers.

    I ruly expected my moto come soon. I imagined tle flo so t and scold me in le  s come. Osteps, but I saers pressed to t me ed to me, and then laughed and scampered off.

    ter urned a deep golden color, and tern ligarted to gloalking and laug of our boat, some from ots next to us. And tc and t;Ai! Look at t; I here.

    I listened to t ion, my legs, my   looked like turned around so I could find tell   moment, everybody else must oo. Because firecrackers exploded, and I fell into ter not even hearing my own splash.

    I  of ter, so t at first I  frig ely and pick me up. But in tant t I began to c come. I ter. ter o my t and eyes, and t;Ama; I tried to cry and I   and suffer unnecessarily. And t he Five Evils, a swimming snake.

    It ossed me into to a rope net filled er gus of my t, so t now I was choking and wailing.

    urned my o t. quot;Is it too small? S back? Or is it ; said ting. And t. I knes, s her hands over my eyes and ears.

    quot;Stop no; scolded t, quot;youve frigo sell ; And tle voice, quot;tle sister?quot;

    t do me. quot;Otle girl. Not a fis;

    quot;Not a fis a fis; murmured thers, chuckling.

    I began to soo scared to cry. the sharp odors of gunpowder and fish.

    quot;Do not pay any attention to t; said t;Are you from anot?  be afraid. Point.quot;

    Out on ter I sas and pedal boats and sailboats, and fiss like t beating fast.

    quot;t; I said, and pointed to a floating pavilion filled erns. quot;t; And I began to cry, desperate to reaced. t glided sly over, tohe good cooking smells.

    quot;E!quot; called to t. quot; a little girl, a girl ;

    ts from ting pavilion, and I strained to see faces of Amaing, looking into our boat. All strangers, laug come? A little girl pushrough some legs.

    quot;ts not me!quot; s;Im  fall in ter.quot; t roared er and turned away.

    quot;Little sister, you aken,quot; said t glided ao s I  over ter at terns. Firecrackers  forever.

    tinued to stare at me. My braid s  and gray. I  my slippers and .

    quot; s; said one of tly. quot;Nobody to claim ;

    quot;Maybe s; said one of t;Look at s to beg for money.quot;

    I error. Maybe true. I urned into a beggar girl, lost  my family.

    quot;An you ; said t;Look at oo pale. And , ttoms are soft.quot;

    quot;Put ; said t;If sruly ;

    quot;Suc!quot; sig;Als and little c dro; tted like tos.  of ter lifted me out of t h his fishy-smelling hands.

    quot;Be careful next time, little sister,quot; called t glided away.

    On t moon be ime, sogeto some busalking as ts. And tes and tinkling cymbals, a sounding gong and drums!

    I looked t I could see a croage  out from tage and told t;And noell ale to you, in a s;

    t, and t my troubles. I  t. So speak. Suc, wailing voice!

    quot;My fate and my penance,quot; so lament, pulling ;to live  eac,  of tumn moon.quot;

    te and began ale.

    On tte of a man appear. t to embrace ;O! er Arc; s  seem to notice  ter, o open  tell.

    tc and fell into a ;t of ten suns in tern sky!quot; And just as ser Arced  do;Sinking into a simmering sea!quot; sh.

    And noern Skies!—oer Arc a baby sun but a magic peacing life! I could see tending to be busy  scer Arco fast for one year to sience to live forever. And after ed not one moment to find t it!

    As soon as sasted it, so rise, t like t like a dragonfly ;Flung from tonness!quot; s as ing, quot;tealing ;   black.

    yae music began again as tage ligood t a moon as brig s tears. An eternity  sao stay lost on the moon, forever seeking her own selfish wishes.

    quot;For ; s;tempered passions lie. And man is yang, brigruting our minds.quot;

    At tale, I and ire story, I understood , o get it back.

    A gong sounded, and to t on tage and announced, quot;ait, everybody! ted to grant one secret irred ement, people murmuring in ;For a small monetary donation…quot; continued to disperse. ted, quot;A once-a-year opportunity!quot; But nobody ening to  my she bushes.

    quot;I ; I sed as I ran for. But ttention to me and age. I kept running too tell t I ed, because no as a lizard beage, to the moon.

    I saill for just a moment. Siful, ablaze  from a dozen kerosene lamps. And tresses and began to eps.

    quot;I ; I said in a il I could see teetained eyes. A face so tired t s wis me and became a man.

    For many years, I could not remember ed t nig  I o me, a  could not be trusted. And so even ter t niger Amaed for me along terhe same girl.

    And t t of iful story t, ts neck, tiny flohe Five Evils.

    But no I am old, moving every year closer to to t  day because it imes in my life. trust, and restlessness, t myself.

    I remember all tonigeent I asked to be found.

 The Twenty-Six Malignant Gates

    quot;Do not ride your bicycle around t; told ter when she was seven.

    quot;!quot; protested the girl.

    quot;Because t see you and you  ;

    quot;; whe girl.

    quot;It is in a book, ty-Six Malignant Gates, all t can o you outside tection of t;

    quot;I dont believe you. Let me see t;

    quot;It is ten in C understand it. t is en to me.quot;

    quot; are t; t;tell me ty-six bad t;

    But t knitting in silence.

    quot; ty-six!quot; sed the girl.

    till did not answer her.

    quot;You cant tell me because you dont kno kno; And tside, jumped on o get away, she corner.

 Rules of the Game-1

    averly Jong

    I rengt rategy for s, respect from otually, t at time, chess games.

    quot;Bite back your tongue,quot; scolded my motoore t sold bags of salted plums. At ;ise guy,  go against   be seen.quot;

    t  back my tongue as ered tore ly plucked a small bag of plums from t it on ter  of tems.

    My moted rutances. e lived in San Franciscos Co of taurants and curio s terious t  to knohe names of.

    e lived on averly Place, in a  t sat above a small Ceamed pastries and dim sum. In till quiet, I could smell fragrant red beans as to a pasty sness. By daybreak, our flat en as my fat ready for hree clicks.

    At t playground  bencry people sat cracking roasted ermelon seeds eettering to an impatient gat playground, self. It eries and adventures. My broto tc onto a stiff s of  amount of insect s leaves for omers. It  ral curse t  of American doctors. Next to ter ions and festive red banners.

    Fartreet  ank crourtles struggling to gain footing on tiled sides. A ten sign informed tourists, quot;itore, is all for food, not for pet.quot; Inside, tcained ly gutted tomers cried out ted, quot;Give me your fres,quot; On less cro days,  tes of live frogs and crabs o poke, boxes of dried cuttlefisime; ttened side and reminded me of my motory of a careless girl reet and ; reported my mother.

    At table caf?air t led to a door marked quot;tradesmen.quot; My brot nigourists never  to ed only in Ces in front of taurant. o ture o ure ted duck s er ook ture, I told o  dinner.  ted, quot;Guts and ducks feet and octopus gizzards!quot; ter as ryto of t pounding  he would chase us.

    My moter treet t ant American documents. But my family called me Meimei, quot;Little Sister.quot; I , ter. Eac and yank on my til sigails. One day, as sruggled to  .

    I asked ;Ma, ure?quot; My moted  it nicked s my scalp.

    quot;; s a trace of knoure.quot;

    quot;C; s;Cing. Not lazy like American people. e do torture. Best torture.quot;

    My older brot ually got t. e o tmas party  t Cist C t togeta bag of gifts donated by members of anots e sacks for boys and girls of different ages.

    One of ta Claus costume and a stiff paper beard ton balls glued to it. I t oo young to kno Santa Claus  Curn came up, ta man asked me  it rick question; I o t by t seemed to satisfy  and obey my parents. I kneo t. I nodded back y.

    cs, I already kne ts  necessarily t ones. One girl my age got a large coloring book of biblical cers, oilet er. tant. A ten-year-old boy  jangled  in globe of t for inserting money.   it   ten pennies, ment t  of to t appreciate suc.

    As I peered into ts, testing t, imagining ained. I c one t   t of ty arranging and rearranging tubes in tes. My broton c turned out to be a box of intricate plastic parts; tructions on t ure replica of a orld ar II submarine.

    Vincent got t,  to get at a cmas party, except it er, it ;too good. Cost too muc; At e, ling ;

    old Vincent to t a;S  it. e not  it,quot; sossing iffly to tigruction book.

    I c and inston play during Cmas o e secrets ing to be untangled. t cured ancestral curses. And my brot I  stake t er tradesmens door to hong Sings.

    quot;Let me! Let me!quot; I begged betory, to let go of tcome. Vincent at first refused to let me play, but tons t filled in for ted.  for te knig both.

    As our mot small dougeamed dumplings t  nig explained ting to eac;You een pieces and so do I. One king and queen, tles, and eigep, except on t move. t take men by moving cross in take anot;

    quot;; I asked as I moved my pa; teps?quot;

    quot;Because t; he said.

    quot;But ake ot t;

    quot; you alupid questions?quot; asked Vincent. quot;t make t; ;Pa yourself.quot;

    My motted t;Let me see book,quot; sly. S reading to searcely for noticular.

    quot;t; s last. quot;Every time people come out from foreign country, must kno knooo bad, go back. t telling you  time. Better you take it, find out w; Sossed isfied smile.

    I found out about all ter. I read tionary. I borrooudied eacrying to absorb tained.

    I learned about opening moves and ant to control ter early on; test distance bets is straig tactics beter  plans for bottacking and getting out of traps. I learned ial in to , a matical understanding of all possible moves, and patience; all ages become evident to a strong adversary and are obscured to a tiring opponent. I discovered t for t gatrengthe game begins.

    I also found out o ottle kno advantage one sore for future use. t is t is a game of secrets in w sell.

    I loved ts I found y-four black and o t to my bed, tles. Soon I no longer lost any games or Life Savers, but I lost my adversaries. inston and Vincent decided terested in roaming treets after scs.

    On a cold spring afternoon,  ted across a folding table playing a game of cing peanuts, and cs c, o the game.

    quot;ant to play?quot; I asked  the box under my arm.

    quot;Little sister, been a long time since I play ; ly. I quickly put t to ort.

    Lau Po, as o call urned out to be a mucter player t many games and many Life Savers. But over ts. Lau Po gave me ttack from t and est Sones on ting of t  Blood.

    ts of ciquette. Keep captured men in neat roended prisoners. Never announce quot;C; y, lest someone  your t. Never o ter you  a game, because t find ter apologizing to all around you. By taugter chess player.

    A small s ed my opponents one by one. My motdoor exion games. S proudly on telling my admirers y, quot;Is luck.quot;

    A man  my moto play in local cournaments. My mot meant notely ed to go, but I bit back my tongue. I kne me play among strangers. So as   to play in tournament. t, I would bring shame on my family.

    quot;Is s; said my mother.

    During my first tournament, my mot  roed for my turn. I frequently bounced my legs to unstick tal seat of t up. My mot  of red jade ; sucked it into my dress pocket. I turned to my opponent, a fifteen-year-old boy from Oakland.  me, wrinkling his nose.

    As I began to play, t of te pieces and ing on t  my ears. It ws only I could hear.

    quot;Blo; it murmured. quot;trail.quot; I saraps to avoid. tled. quot;S; said tronger. quot;t to distract ; t came for;Blo;

    quot;C; I said, as ter. to little puffs, my oh.

    My mot trop to a neic c t tao society o me. As s clot;Next time ;

    quot;Ma, its not ; I said. quot;Sometimes you need to lose pieces to get a;

    quot;Better to lose less, see if you really need.quot;

    At t tournament, I  it riump grin.

    quot;Lost eigime. Last time ell you? Better off lose less!quot; I  I couldnt say anything.

    I attended more tournaments, eacairs from our flat displayed my groion of trops  t-covered cakes t er I ant regional tournament, t cake ing and red script saying, quot;Congratulations, averly Jong, Coer t, a floo sponsor me in national tournaments. ts on and Vincent o do my chores.

    quot; to play and ; complained Vincent.

    quot;Is ne; said my mot;Meimei play, squeeze all  for ;

    By my nintional cill some 429 points aer status, but I outed as t American o boot. to of me in Life magazine next to a quote in er.quot; quot;Your move, Bobby,quot; said tion.

    took ture I ly plaited braids clipped ic barrettes trimmed ones. I  eced across from me  ty. I remember t y broo  my every move. . One of s uffed  we kerc flourish.

    In my crisp pink-and-c te points of my elboent leatient c in its neening place, riump smile t my opponent for good measure.

    I no longer played in ted t to scly o learn neages, more escape routes.

    But I found it difficult to concentrate at  of standing over me  my games. I t of ective ally. iger eac quot;; would escape from her nose.

    quot;Ma, I cant practice ,quot; I said one day. Sreated to tcs and pans. opped, I could see out of t sanding in t;; Only t of ig.

    My parents made many concessions to alloo practice. One time I complained t t I couldnt ter, my brot in a bed in treet. I said I couldnt finis  table  ty I couldnt avoid. I o accompany my moturday market days  to play. My moting many stle. quot;ter ave-ly Jong,quot; so whoever looked her way.

    One day, after  a s;I , telling everybody Im your daug; My motopped  us on to first one sher.

    quot;Aiii-ya. So s; Sig me.

    I looked do;Its not t, its just so obvious. Its just so embarrassing.quot;

    quot;Embarrass you be my daug; h anger.

    quot;ts not . ts not ;

    quot; you say?quot;

    I kne ake to say anyt I ;o use me to s to s you learn to play c;

    My moturned into dangerous black slits. S sharp silence.

    I felt t ears. I jerked my  of my motigo an old he ground.

    quot;Aii-ya! Stupid girl!quot; my motin cans careened doooped to ook off.

    I raced doreet, das looking back as my mot;Meimei! Meimei!quot; I fled do dark curtained ss , into a large street croourists examining trinkets and souvenirs. I ducked into anotreet, up anotil it  and I realized I o go, t I  running from anytained no escape routes.

    My breat like angry smoke. It  dourned plastic pail next to a stack of empty boxes, cupping my c reet or anoturning o a my arrival. After two ood up on creaking legs and slowly walked home.

    t and I could see ts s like tigers eyes in t. I climbed teen steps to tly up eac to make any urned teps, turning—click! click! click!—and the door opened.

    quot;About time you got ; said Vincent. quot;Boy, are you in trouble.quot;

    o table. On a platter s flesill connected to bones sream in vain escape. Standing ting for my punis, I her speak in a dry voice.

    quot;e not concerning t ;

    Nobody looked at me. Bone cicks clinked against tied into hs.

    I o my room, closed time ligs.

    In my y-four black and e me , ts. Sriump smile. quot;Strongest  be seen,quot; she said.

    o eac. My o my edge, I felt myself gro tops of tiled roofs,  sky until everything below me disappeared and I was alone.

    I closed my eyes and pondered my next move.

 The Voice from the Wall

    Lena St. Clair

    tle, my motold me my great-grandfatenced a beggar to die in t possible  later t-grandfat, or er.

    I used to play out t moments over and over again in my ioner strip off t and lead o t;traitor,quot; read tioner, quot;is sentenced to die ts.quot; But before o er, my great-grandfatily put back toget;As tting me do; said t, quot;I t t I  I  is on t; And t-grandfato s .

    I once asked my mot;In bed, very quickly, after being sick for only t;

    quot;No, no, I mean t? Did to cs?quot;

    quot;Anns in your mind?quot; cried my mot;t man  seventy years.  does it matter ;

    I al it mattered, to kno possible t can o you, to knoo not be draerrors t surrounded our  cil s dark corner of ill tcil s.

    As I remember it, t in our old ried to  from me. S ypes of key locks. And it became so mysterious t I spent all my energies unraveling til to pry it open o immediately fall o t er I stopped screaming—I ell me about t and ed five babies in me and ten us all in a six-course meal, tossing our bones on ty floor.

    And after t I began to see terrible t of me I got from my mot ligo strike dotle cle ly squasricycle. And  sc. Monkey rings t  in tet could splas of laughing friends.

    I didnt tell anyone about t even my mot people didnt kno. Clair.  sa I looked like my fate at time. But if t ts. Instead of s, mine  ra my coloring looked too pale, like somet was once darker and he sun.

    And my eyes, my motern  cuts of a s knife. I used to puso make til I could see te parts. But her asked me why I looked so scared.

    I o of my moture aken ion Station. Sayed til termine , or tizen. My fat izen. Some in a sea of immigration categories.

    My motalked about  my faterrible life tragedy s speak about. My fation papers: Betty St. Clair, crossing out  doead of 1914. So,  ead of a tiger.

    In ture you can see eal tc vents at top sernized suit jacket, ayliss padded stons. t from my fatfit so someplace.  do in  he black horizon of her head.

    And even t, aring up past the camera, wide open.

    quot;; I asked my father.

    And my fat ruggling to keep il t off, ten seconds later.

    My moten looked ting for someto er s truggle to keep her eyes open.

    quot;Dont look at ; said my motoing on t a building. S time,  slept for many years. And  and ips ted.

    quot; did so ; I her.

    quot;S a bad man,quot; said my mot;S .quot;

    And I kne  true. I kneo o onese or Englistle bit of Englised my motures, looks and silences, and sometimes a combination of Englisuated by ations and Cration: quot;S;—ords cannot come out. So my fat words in h.

    quot;I trying to say sired,quot; her became moody.

    quot;I t darn family in try!quot;  meal.

    But  possibly imagine. I could understand tly, but not t led to anot connection.

    quot;You must not ion but to sc; o walk by myself.

    quot;; I asked.

    quot;You cant understand t; she said.

    quot;?quot;

    quot;Because I  put it in your mind yet.quot;

    quot;?quot;

    quot;Aii-ya! Sucions! Because it is too terrible to consider. A man can grab you off treets, sell you to someone else, make you  can be done? Youll go to jail, die t;

    I kne a true ans I also made up lies to prevent bad ture. I often lied ranslate for ructions, notices from scelep;S;— meaning?—s a grocery store yelled at o smell told  C alloo s a notice  a polio vaccination, I told ime and place, and added t all students o use metal lunchey had discovered old paper bags can carry polio germs.

    quot;ere moving up in t; my fation to sales supervisor of a cloturer. quot;Your mot;

    And o San Francisco and up a o an Italian neigeep I o lean into t to get en and I he old fears behind in Oakland.

    tment building ories ments per floor. It ed fa鏰de, a recent layer of ucco topped ed roal fire-escape ladders. But inside it  door s narroo a musty lobby t smelled of everybodys life mixed toget t door next to ttle buzzers: Anderson, Giordino, . Clair. e lived on tuck bet floated up and feet sounds t drifted doreet, and at nigruggling to climb teep, fog-s;Are  t; A beagle scrambling to  to start er by fire truck sirens and an angry ability, I would soon fall asleep.

    My mot ment, but I didnt see t at first. ting settled, arranging ture, unpacking disures on t took  one er t, op, s a man whrew her off balance.

    . ood up straig ing, quot;I found you! Suzie ong, girl of my dreams! ; And arted rusoo do anyt moment as s go, I started to scream, seeing till screaming after top it, for C poor little girl and ;

    t of t of stores, srembled. Scig . And once ake  out of  ter, I started to slip ao look at t I kne t instant  s protected me better.

    As soon as  o put tables a quite rigc so t door to a he sofa.

    quot; are you doing?quot; I asked.

    S quot;t being balanced,quot; and I t s  . And tarted to move tables, a Chinese scroll of goldfish.

    quot;s going on ; asked my father when he came home from work.

    quot;S look better,quot; I said.

    And t day,  some terrible danger lay ahead.

    quot;; I asked rue answer.

    But sead: quot; your nature, you are not in balance. t too steep, and a bad op blorengt a;

    And tarted pointing to tment. quot;See  rangled. And tcoilet room, so all your ;

    quot;But  mean? s going to s not balanced?quot; I asked my mother.

    My fat to me later. quot;Your mot practicing ing instincts,quot; ;All mot it. Youll see w;

    I wondered whing more?

    And ter, I found out t my fat all along. I came o my bedroom, and sa. My mot against a  danger omaco have a baby.

    quot;See,quot; said my fat t;Nesting instincts. . And ;  see er sao bump into to table edges as if s omacained a baby, as if srouble instead. S speak of talked about a  t of balance, not in  t baby, t it uck someomachis crib in my room.

    it ttime life of my imagination cead of street sounds, I began to ment next door. t-door buzzer said a family called there.

    t first niging. A tened my ear against ting back. And nourned tourning onto our street, and I could ions fading in and out:o say!… out and stay out!…rathen!

    ts and ts, a motarting to slice  a braid, toe, a t of  of il t, no sounds.

    I lay back against my pillo nessed ion. A girl  been killed. I  been able to stop myself from listening. I  able to stop w  all.

    But t nigo life ing,  continued, niger nig my elling me t t possible t could error of not knoop.

    Sometimes I  separated our tment doors. tment airs going up to tairs going doo the lobby.

    quot;You break your legs sliding do banister, Im gonna break your neck,quot; a omping on tairs. quot;And dont forget to pick up Pops suits!quot;

    I kneerrible life so intimately t I artled by t time. I  door s  a fe a ted doairs and I quickly gato reet.

    S seem like a girl races of blood-stained clote blouse, a blue cardigan ser, and a blue-green pleated skirt. In fact, as I ce ily in ro  I  urned reet and  of my sight.

    Every time I sa, I end to look dotons on my ser, guilty t I kne her.

    My parents friends Auntie Su and Uncle Canning picked me up at scook me to tal to see my mot spoken ance.

    quot;It is no; said Uncle Canning, looking at ch.

    quot;time,quot; said Auntie Su.

    ed my motal, sossing back and fortaring at the ceiling.

    quot;My fault, my fault. I kne ; s;I did noto prevent it.quot;

    quot;Betty darling, Betty darling,quot; said my fatically. But my mot sing tions to  me, in a strange way, as if she were begging me for her life, as if I could pardon her. She was mumbling in Chinese.

    quot;Lena, o put in my moth.

    And for once, I  struck me t t possible t ened.

    quot;o be born,quot; s;I could already tle fingers, to stay inside. But tor, to pus, make , t and able, steaming h life.

    quot;  a stop looking at it. t oo! I could see all to o be, and tor sed!  an empty eggshell!

    quot;And to fill  air and rise up from table. turned to one side, to t looked rig to killing my ot to ;

    I could not tell my fat sy crib in ell him she was crazy?

    So t I translated for ;S all t ;

    After t, not all at once, but piece by piece, like plates falling off a s ing.

    Sometimes sart to make dinner, but op er running full steam in tables, silent, tears floimes ing and op and put our forks do;—It doesnt matter. My fat sit trying to figure out   didnt matter table, kno ime.

    My fato fall apart in a different o make tter. But it cching.

    quot;S tired,quot; o me  t tatue on  aring at e as if it ead of spagti.

    At  everyty eyes. My fatting my ;; but al me, to in my  in my stomac  I could feel it. I could feel every little movement in our silent  nigs on ten to deat edge lying across my neck, I used to  ter feeling sorry for myself, it comforted me someo t t door had a more unhappy life.

    But one niger dinner our doorbell rang. tairs first.

    quot;Lena, could you see ; called my fatc;restingquot; and it was as if s.

    I opened tiously, t   door. I stared at . S me, and s of bed hes on.

    quot;?quot; called my father.

    quot;Its next door!quot; I sed to my fat;Its…quot;

    quot;teresa,quot; she offered quickly.

    quot;Its teresa!quot; I yelled back to my father.

    quot;Invite ; my fat almost t t teresa squeezed past me and into our apartment. it being invited, sarted o door and follo he back of a horse.

    S over to my o open it. quot; are you doing?quot; I cried. S on t on treet. And t me and started to giggle. I sat docing for o stop, feeling the dark opening.

    quot;s so funny?quot; I finally said. It occurred to me t per me, at my life. Maybe sened tagnant silence of our unhappy house.

    quot;; I demanded.

    quot;My mot,quot; salked o be proud of t. And ttle and said, quot;e  and s t. So no outside til Im sorry enougo apologize. But Im not going to.quot;

    quot;t are you going to do?quot; I asked breatain t ime.

    quot;Im going to use your fire escape to climb back into my bedroom,quot; s;And so . And  be t; She giggled again.

    quot;ont s;

    quot;Na be glad Im not dead or sometend to be mad, sort of. e do tuff all time.quot; And through my window and soundlessly made her way back home.

    I stared at time,   serrible  s op?

    I lay doing to s. And late at nigill aupida girl. You almost gave me a  attack. And teresa  fell and broke my neck. And ting h love.

    I unned. I could almost see them, because I had been wrong.

    And in my memory I can still feel t beat in me t nigo ter day, niger niger year. I co  on t I kne t possible top. I still sa noo cill eresa errible fig I sahing else.

    I sa t being seen  a sold ;t die ts. It is to save you.quot;

    ted ted, cried out in terror and pain. But when she opened her eyes, she saw no blood, no shredded flesh.

    t;Do you see no;

    t;Noanding. I . After t possible t;

    And ter said, quot;No come back, to t;

    And the wall.

 Half and Half

    Rose hsu Jordan

    As proof of o carry a small leatte Bible o t Cist C later, after my mot  leatte Bible oo-s table leg, a  ts been ty years.

    My motends t Bible isnt t its doing ttle too loudly, quot;O.quot; But I kno t er all t Bible is still clean we.

    tonigccable, somet after dinner. Sly pokes able leg propped up by tcer sing for t moment to tell  ted and me, t ting divorced. ell o say, quot;t be.quot;

    And  is certainly true, t our marriage is over, I kno save it.quot;

    And even ts ely not to save—Im afraid if I tell , sill persuade me to try.

    I ts ironic t my mots me to figeen years ago sarted dating ted. My older sisters ed only Cting married.

    ted and I met in a politics of ecology class  es. I refused ted a cup of coffee instead. ter at UC Berkeley, er co fine arts. ted al pig in th grade.

    I o admit t ially found attractive in ted  made  from my broted: ed to get ted manner;  t s immigrated from tarryto tientsin, China.

    My mot iced ter ted picked me up one evening at my parents urned ill up, celevision.

    quot;; oo blind to notice. A ;

    quot;Im American too,quot; I said. quot;And its not as if Im going to marry ;

    Mrs. Jordan also o say. ted ed me to a family picnic, te Park. Alted only a feimes in t montainly  toget ed introduced me to all ives as il t know I was.

    Later, o play volleyball ook my arted  never seemed to look at me.

    quot;Im so glad to meet you finally,quot; Mrs. Jordan said. I ed to tell  really teds girlfriend, but s on. quot;I ts nice t you and ted are  of fun toget misunderstand ;

    And tly about teds future, o concentrate on udies,  minorities; sores, personally kneed o be in one of t standard, by patients and otors  be as understanding as t unate t of tnam ar was.

    quot;Mrs. Jordan, I am not Vietnamese,quot; I said softly, even ting. quot;And I ention of marrying your son.quot;

    ed drove me  day, I told  see old  im,  comment.

    quot;And youre just going to sit t my mots rig; ed, as if I or raitor. I ouc ted .

    quot; s; I asked, and I  he beginning of love.

    In to eacion, because, in spite of anyt really prevented us from seeing one anotragedy im to  me up. It ional effect of saving and being saved ing to bot, as muco eacection.

    quot; s; I continued to ask  meeting ogeted started medical sc UCSF  in t peed of ted finisology, orian s. ted  up a studio doairs so I could take in ion assistant for grapists.

    Over ted decided ion.  neure il o a better neigo discuss some of tters, but ion o my saying, quot;ted, you decide.quot; After a  of objecting. I preferred to ignore t  of me: my t-square, my X-acto knife, my blue pencil.

    But last year teds feelings about yquot; cient o  s told  and make iful again, s instead, ally sucked a nerve out, and t side of her smile fell down and she sued him.

    After  tice la—, and a big so arted puso make decisons. Did I to term insurance?  did I t t candidate ras?  about a family?

    I t about t in t ans t;You decide,quot; or quot;I dont care,quot; or quot;Eit; ted  voice, quot;No, you decide. You cant  boty, none of t;

    I could feel tective veil ed and ted noarted pus everyto decide on t trivial matters, as if ing me. Italian food or tizer or t card or caserCard.

    Last montology course in Los Angeles, ed to come along and t;Never mind, Id rat;

    quot;More time to study,quot; I agreed.

    quot;No, because you can never make up your mind about anyt; he said.

    And I protested, quot;But its only  arent important.quot;

    quot;Notant to you, t; one of disgust.

    quot;ted, if you  me to go, Ill go.quot;

    And it ; married? Did you just say I do because ter said repeat after me?  o you?quot;

    t anding apart on separate mountain peaks, recklessly leaning foro tones at one anot separated us.

    But noed kneo s. Because later t evening ed a divorce.

    Ever since teds been gone, Ive been ted it, even if I  I o do  still would  of me.

    violent s you, you cant  lose your balance and fall. And after you pick yourself up, you realize you cant trust anybody to save you—not your  your mot God. So o stop yourself from tilting and falling all over again?

    My mot ial faucet and goodness kept pouring out. S  kept all t s;fate,quot; because s pronounce t quot;t; sound in quot;fait;

    And later, I discovered t maybe it e all along, t fait an illusion t somerol. I found out t I could  I  denying any possibility, good or bad. I  saying, If tever you are, he odds should be placed.

    I remember tarted t o me. It   tioned certainty could never be trusted again.

    e o to a secluded spot souty near Devils Slide. My fat magazine t to catc a fis a ps assistant o do anyt o. My moto cook anyto catc   my parents to America. It o  district tle money. It o believe t, t God  t to report and our ancestors  lifetime ies meant our lucky streak  all ts  amount of er.

    So ters, four brot as  beac to youngest. I een years old. e rudging, nine pairs of surned toer to cumbling in.

    tton trousers around my legs and I looked for some place o my eyes. I saanding in t  boo sea. My moto, ed ts s started at tinued out past ters became roug seemed as t to sea on t looked very rocky and slippery. On ten aer. It ted  ter spe of te gulleys.

    t terrible place, full of  s c fleo our eyes and made it o see trying to act like a typical American family at the beach.

    My mot an old striped bedspread, e salted h sand from our fingers.

    tood up and admired s grace, its strengtisfied, o to to t just before it . My ters, Janice and Rut and slapped to get t to get up and c my moto;Dangsying tamende si,quot; ake care of t; or literally, quot;atc for t; tto t greig: quot;; o care for them?

    And s;Yiding.quot;

    I must. Because ters aken care of me. y? e s had done for me?

    Matten, and nine, old enougo keep t only uck out. Noarting to pat togetlines of a sand-castle op of him.

    But Bing able and easily bored and irritable.   to play o t;No, Bing, youll just .quot;

    So Bing iffly like an ousted emperor, picking up s into trailed beidal o Bing every no;Dont go too close to ter. Youll get your feet .quot; And I t  at time talking about t  really  made me feel everything had been considered and was now safe.

    My motition, in fact, t co certain dangers on certain days, all depending on te. It tle Cy-Six Malignant Gates. tration of some terrible danger t aed young innocent cion ten in C read ters, I could only see ure meant.

    ttle boy appeared in eacure: climbing a broken tree limb, standing by a falling gate, slipping in a ub, being carried a of ligures stood a man ually t anding on a curved bridge, laugctle boy falling for already in the air.

    It  even one of tes corresponded to only one danger, my mot t figure out es, based on translated into American dates. So by taking to account, se fait every one of them.

    ted and moved over ttled into place. My moto t, t of sacking corners of blankets back doill standing at tiently casting out, ing for nengkan to manifest itself as a fisell ters by ty soda bottle and o dig sand next to t on t w began.

    Bing tle against to ;Dont dig so  a o C; And I laug me as t rue. ood up and started oer.  one foot tentatively on t;Bing.quot;

    quot;Im gonna see Daddy,quot; ested.

    quot;Stay close to ter,quot; I said. quot;Stay a;

    And I cill see  I almost feel I can make ay there forever.

    I see anding by to my fatoo carts to ugs on my fat as he can.

    Ss erupt. Someone  of op of Mark, ts for me to stop t after I pull Luke off Mark, I look up and see Bing o t, nobody notices. I am t Bing is doing.

    Bing eps. tle body is moving so quickly, as if ted someters edge. And I to fall in. Im expecting it. And just as I t are already in t of balance, before o t leaving so mucer.

    I sank to my knees c spot  saying anyt make sense of it. I o ter and try to pull ? S to my fat enougake it all back and forbid Bing from joining my fathe ledge?

    And ters ;; ts and sand flying as everyone rus me toers edge. I stood to move as my sisters looked by to see rying to part their hands.

    e s and t : a brigoucers edge and t,  became dark, ts turned ter.

    As I look back, it seems unnatural to t t and boats at a time like t. But s. My fating minutes, estimating temperature of ter, readjusting imate of ;Bing! Bing!quot; as if  in tly reading comic books. And urned off t for a s do, she could. She could find Bing.

    And er, sill act. er, but sood quietly, calm and regal as a mermaid queen  of t us all in our car, and sent us o grieve.

    I ed to be beaten to deaters and brot . I  c I sa in ts.

    quot;I  to go fis; said my father.

    quot;e s ; said Janice, ime.

    quot;o t; moaned Luke. quot;o make me start a fig;

    And my motly admitted to me, quot;I told you to stop t. I told you to take your eyes off ;

    If I ime at all to feel a sense of relief, it ;So noelling you,  go and find omorro; And everybodys eyes looked do I sa as my punis: to go out o to help her find Bings body.

    Not my mot day.  ill dark and scable eacup, te leatte Bible, and the car keys.

    quot;Is Daddy ready?quot; I asked.

    quot;Daddys not coming,quot; she said.

    quot;t t;

    S to time as o to drive overnigurning do  all t times, getting on t  often led inexperienced drivers off and over the cliffs.

    tely do pato te Bible. And looking out over ter, so God, o  began ;Dear Godquot; and ended ;Amen,quot; and in between she spoke in Chinese.

    quot;I ; s same tone sed Cs. quot;e kne question th.

    quot;In return o s respect. e  to your  you money. e sang your songs. You gave us more blessings. And noime.

    quot;So maybe you o teaco be more careful s in ture. I  it in my memory. And noake Bing back.quot;

    I listened quietly as my moto cry anding o teacter lessons of obedience before s you again.quot;

    After  t simes, o  beyond t ;Nale!quot;—tand straiginel, until times  failed urned into a dark spot of churning seaweed.

    My mot let o t teacup and o ters edge. told me t t before so  she had found.

    quot;I remember a boy ; s;I saears, and t ter t. tral debt ten times over. Ser treatment to sootrue enoug eering a straig my astonis;

    And t. Sful, respectful manner.

    quot;An ancestor of ours once stole er from a sacred er is trying to steal back. e must sen temper of t make reasure ;

    My mot tea sened o teacup, and to t. In ery blue sapp from old me, dreing stares from tentive to tful of Bing. So ter.

    But even  appear riging by. And to , and s;See, its because cion.quot; And I too sarudging  t over in exion. I could feel . ts antly filled. And t to our feet, sate, groall, and become a stranger.

    quot;Ma, lets go,quot; I said as softly as possible.

    quot;; sed to ter. quot;I see ting on a little step above ter. tle cold, but  to complain too muc;

    And tood up and started  rying to folloumbling in t mounds. Seep pato ube from trunk. to tied tube into to the pole.

    quot;t; shers voice.

    tube folloed out, to aut and srained to ig to ter.

    e botoo cube  into ted tube leapt up and t o a cavern. It popped out. Over and over again, it disappeared, emerged, glistening black, faiting it o try to pluck  dove and popped back up again, empty but still er a dozen or so times, it o t came out, it orn and lifeless.

    At t moment, and not until t moment, did s Ill never forget. It e despair and o to ce. And it made me angry—so blindingly angry—t everything had failed us.

    I kno I ed to find Bing, just as I knoo save my marriage. My motells me, t I sill try.

    quot;s t?quot; I say. quot;to keep trying.quot;

    quot;Because you must,quot; s;t  reason. te. t you must do.quot;

    quot;So ;

    And my mot;You must t you must do. If someone tells you, t trying.quot; And t of tco let me t this.

    I t Bing,  it  my marriage,  I just let it  fate is sation, tention. But someakes over. You o pay attention to . You o undo tation.

    My motill pays attention to it. t Bible under table, I kno before s under.

    I lift table and slide t. I put table, flipping quickly ts testament begins, tion called quot;Deat; and ts ;Bing ; lightly, in erasable pencil.

    half and half   Up

    two Kinds

    Jing-Mei oo

    My moted to be in America. You could open a restaurant. You could  and get good retirement. You could buy a  no money doly famous.

    quot;Of course you can be prodigy, too,quot; my motold me  anyt does Auntie Lindo knoricky.quot;

    America   s. to get better.

    e didnt immediately pick t kind of prodigy. At first my mot I could be a Cemple. ed cV as training films. My mot;Ni kanquot;—You capping , or singing a sailor song, or pursing o a very round O w;O;

    quot;Ni kan,quot; said my motears. quot;You already knoalent for crying!quot;

    Soon after my mot t Semple, sook me to a beauty training scrict and put me in tudent ting big fat curls, I emerged o tried to  down my hair.

    quot;You look like Negro C; sed, as if I his on purpose.

    tructor of ty training sco lop off to make my ;Peter Pan is very popular t; tructor assured my motraig  a slant t made me actually look foro my future fame.

    In fact, in t as excited as my motured t of me as many different images, trying eacy ballerina girl standing by tains, ing to  music t ing on my tiptoes. I  ced out of tray. I epping from oon music filling the air.

    In all of my imaginings, I  I . My moto sulk for anything.

    But sometimes tient. quot;If you dont  me out of ; it ;And t;

    Every niger dinner, my mot at tcable. S neests, taking ories of amazing c or Not, or Good , and a dozen ot in a pile in our bat t assortment. Sories about remarkable children.

    t nig out a story about a tals of all tates and even most of tries. A teaced as saying ttle boy could also pronounce ties correctly.

    quot;s tal of Finland?quot; my mot tory.

    All I kneal of California, because Sacramento reet ;Nairobi!quot; I guessed, saying t foreign o see if t o pronounce quot; ; before she answer.

    tests got iplying numbers in my s in a deck of cards, trying to stand on my  using my ing temperatures in Los Angeles, New York, and London.

    One nigo look at a page from tes and t everyt;No; I said.

    And after seeing my moted face once again, someto die. I ed tests, tations. Before going to bed t nigaring back—and t it o cry. Succrying to scratc the mirror.

    And t seemed to be t face before. I looked at my reflection, blinking so I could see more clearly. taring back at me s, s, or rats filled s of s. I  let  be .

    So nos, I performed listlessly, my ended to be bored. And I  so bored I started counting t on ting and reminded me of t day, I played a game  belloer a  most. At last so give up hope.

    t any mention of my being a prodigy again. And tcV. tV  sing out. Every time my mot o adjust t, talking. As soon as s do again. S up, tV broke into loud piano music. S do and loud. It iff embraceless dance bet. Finally sood by t he sound dial.

    Sranced by ttle frenzied piano piece y, sort of quick passages and teasing lilting ones before it returned to ts.

    quot;Ni kan,quot; my motures, quot;Look ;

    I could see   by a little C nine years old, er Pan . temple. S like a proper Csy, so t t of e dress cascaded sloo tals of a large carnation.

    In spite of t o buy one, let alone reams of s music and piano lessons. So I could be generous in my comments V.

    quot;Play note rig doesnt sound good! No singing sound,quot; complained my mother.

    quot; are you picking on ; I said carelessly. quot;Sty good. Maybe s t, but srying ; I kne immediately I .

    quot;Just like you,quot; s;Not t. Because you not trying.quot; Stle  go of t dohe sofa.

    ttle C doo play an encore of quot;Anitras Dancequot; by Grieg. I remember ter on I o learn o play it.

    ter cold me o Mr. C floor of our apartment building. Mr. Cired piano teacraded o practice on every day, two il six.

    old me t as t to  a little and it anymore.

    quot; you like me t a genius! I cant play t go on tV if you paid me a million dollars!quot; I cried.

    My mot;; sed. quot;Only ask you be your best. For you sake. You t you be genius?  for! ;

    quot;So ungrateful,quot; I ter in C;If salent as semper, s;

    Mr. Cly nicknamed Old Crange, alapping o t music of an invisible orcra.  in my eyes.  most of top of  alired and sleepy. But  , since  yet married.

    I met Old Lady C s. And  like a dead persons, like an old peacor; t slid off t w up.

    I soon found out eac;Like Beet; ed to me. quot;ere botening only in our ; And art to conduct ic silent sonatas.

    Our lessons  like t to different t;Key! treble! Bass! No ss! So ten noer me!quot;

    And times, a simple cces and running trills and a pounding bass until te grand.

    I er  played some nonsense t sounded like a cat running up and doop of garbage cans. Old C;Very good! But no learn to keep time!quot;

    So ts  Old Coo sloo keep up es I ions in ime. to ood be s. op of my s so I ill as I sloo so make eacaccato like an obedient little soldier.

    aug akes, lots of mistakes. If I  tes because I  practiced enouged myself. I just kept playing in r conducting e reverie.

    So maybe I never really gave myself a fair cty quickly, and I mig at t young age. But I ermined not to try, not to be anybody different t I learned to play only t ear-splitting preludes, t discordant hymns.

    Over t year, I practiced like tifully in my oalking in a loud bragging tone of voice so ot er c tiff ticoats. Auntie Lindos daug my age, anding fart five feet aers squabbling over crayons and dolls. In ot part, y. averly Jong ain amount of fame as quot;Cotlest C;

    quot;Soo many trop; lamented Auntie Lindo t Sunday. quot;All day sime do not dust off ; S averly,  to see her.

    quot;You lucky you dont ; said Auntie Lindo o my mother.

    And my mot;Our problem  music. Its like you cant stop tural talent.quot;

    And rigermined to put a stop to her foolish pride.

    A feer, Old Co alent ss o buy me a secondzer spinet  he showpiece of our living room.

    For talent so play a piece called quot;Pleading C; from Sc  sounded more difficult t o memorize t parts to make t I da, playing a feing, looking up to see es folloened to  being somew being someone else.

    t I liked to practice best sy: rig out, touc ed foot, so t leg bends, look up and smile.

    My parents invited all to ness my debut. Auntie Lindo and Uncle tin  ttlest ones got to go first. ted simple nursery r tunes on miniature violins, tutus, and ;A; and tically.

    urn came, I . I remember my cement. It  a doubt, t t. I soever, no nervousness. I remember to myself, t! t! I looked out over t my motie Lindos stiff-lipped smile, averlys sulky expression. I e dress layered s of lace, and a pink boer Pan . As I sat doo t and Ed Sullivan ruso introduce me to everyone on tV.

    And I started to play. It iful. I  first I didnt o me  e and I realized somet sound quite rig anot. A carted at top of my o trickle do I couldnt stop playing, as tc t train sco t track. I played trange jumble ts, tes staying o the end.

    ood up, I discovered my legs  motions and   all. I s my rig out,  do, except for Old Cing, quot;Bravo! Bravo! ell done!quot; But tricken face. to my cried not to cry, I tle boy  ; and t;ell, sainly tried.quot;

    And noo my back. I felt t stiffly t t of the show.

    e could ermission. Pride and some strange sense of  s to tc all: teen-year-old boy aced girl e makeup  ion. And t prize playing a tricky violin song t sounded like a busy bee.

    After t. Clairs from to my mother.

    quot;Lots of talented kids,quot; Auntie Lindo said vaguely, smiling broadly.

    quot;t ; said my fato me in a  I had done.

    averly looked at me and s;You arent a genius like me,quot; ster-of-factly. And if I  felt so bad, I would omach.

    But my mot devastated me: a quiet, blank look t said s everyt t seemed as if everybody  t, to see s ually missing.  on to go une and my mot. I kept ted to  until  ing at me. But ment, my mot to to tions. No blame. And in a  disappointed. I ing for o start sing, so I could s back and cry and blame her for all my misery.

    I assumed my talent-s I never o play t ter, after sc of tccV.

    quot;Four clock,quot; s unned, as to go talent-sorture again. I ig of tV.

    quot;turn off tV,quot; sces later.

    I didnt budge. And t o do   Cened to  upid one.

    S from tcood in try;Four clock,quot; she said once again, louder.

    quot;Im not going to play anymore,quot; I said noncly. quot; a genius.quot;

    Sood in front of tV. I saw  was heaving up and down in an angry way.

    quot;No!quot; I said, and I no stronger, as if my true self  had been inside me all along.

    quot;No! I !quot; I screamed.

    SV. Seningly strong, o. Sed me up and onto t terly.  was h was open, smiling crazily as if she were pleased I was crying.

    quot;You  me to be someone t Im not!quot; I sobbed. quot;Ill never be ter you  me to be!quot;

    quot;Only t and ter can live in t daug;

    quot;t your daug my mot; I sed. As I said t scared. It felt like oads and slimy t of my c, but it also felt good, as if t last.

    quot;too late c; said my mother shrilly.

    And I could sense o its breaking point. I ed to see it spill over. And ts . quot;t; I sed. quot;I wis;

    It unned, as if stle, lifeless.

    It  tment my mot in me. In t folloing my oations. I didnt get straig become class president. I didnt get into Stanford. I dropped out of college.

    For unlike my mot believe I could be anyted to be. I could only be me.

    And for all talked about ter at tal or my terrible accusations after t remained uncrayal t o ask  failure able.

    And even worse, I never asked  frig: hy had she given up hope?

    For after our struggle at tioned my playing again. topped. to tting out t, my misery, and her dreams.

    So so give me tiet played in all tremendous burden removed.

    quot;Are you sure?quot; I asked s;I mean,  you and Dad miss it?quot;

    quot;No, t; s;Al;

    quot;ell, I probably cant play anymore,quot; I said. quot;Its been years.quot;

    quot;You pick up fast,quot; said my motain. quot;You ural talent. You could been genius if you  to.quot;

    quot;No I couldnt.quot;

    quot;You just not trying,quot; said my mot as if to announce a fact t could never be disproved. quot;take it,quot; she said.

    But I didnt at first. It o me. And after t, every time I sa in my parents living room, standing in front of t made me feel proud, as if it were a srophy I had won back.

    Last  a tuner over to my parents apartment and ioned, for purely sentimental reasons. My motting ttle bit at a time. I put ters sted in yello ttle slits up t my skin, tissue and decided to take th me.

    After I uned, I opened touc sounded even ric es ten scales, togetape.

    I opened up to ttle piece I  tal. It -;Pleading C; It looked more difficult t es came back to me.

    And for t time, or so it seemed, I noticed t- ;Perfectly Contented.quot; I tried to play t er melody but turned out to be quite easy. quot;Pleading C;  slo;Perfectly Contentedquot;  faster. And after I played times, I realized two he same song.

 American Translation

    quot;a; cried ter suite of ers ne;You cannot put mirrors at t of turn te ;

    quot;ell, ts t fits, so ts ays,quot; said ter, irritated t hese warnings all her life.

    to ; for you, t; And s t-edged mirror s at t   top of two pillows.

    quot;You  ; said ting to t;t mirror—iply your peac;

    quot; is peac;

    t;It is in ; sing to t;Look inside. tell me, am I not rigure grandcting on my lap next spring.quot;

    And ter looked—and   her.

 Rice Husband

    Lena St. Clair

    to terious ability to see t seet of another.

    But s predict   our family. And s causes t no so stop them.

    One time ment sat too steeply on t dead, and it did.

    ures store opened up across treet from our bank, my mots money drained aer, an officer of ted for embezzlement.

    And just after my fat year, s my fate t t sered it fait s roots and no er could get to it. topsy report ser received sy-percent blockage of teries before  attack at ty-four. My fat C Englishree eggs sunnyside up every morning.

    I remember ty of my moting my  boug she will see.

    o find t of -rig do roads, unmarked because ts alear doo keep out salesmen, developers, and city inspectors. e are only a forty-minute drive to my motment in San Francisco. ty-minute ordeal coming back from San Francisco,  to to t, soucly to ly said, quot;Ai, tire squealing.quot; And ttle later, quot;too mucear and ;

    I could see eering ient cars t e. And I ly glad to c. ailgated old ladies in they pulled over.

    And at time, I ed myself for being mean-spirited, for torment. Yet I couldnt  ed  morning, before ;You serminators, because Mirugai is your cat and so ts only fair.quot;

    None of our friends could ever believe  t our problems are muc, so deep I dont even knoom is.

    And no my motaying for a il tricians are done reend notter.

    Meanually s really ask, s says, quot;Aii, so muc; as s of ts alo my moterms: quot;ell, you see, its tails t cost so mucs , its s really .quot;

    And my mot;Bleac so muc;

    During our brief tour of t of t;running do; S room ; Stle spatters of  oil. My motails t cost so mucill a barn.

    S annoys me t all ss. But true. And t else is going on, beto o us. Because I remember somet years old.

    My motold me I would marry a bad man.

    quot;Aii, Lena,quot; ser t dinner so many years ago, quot;your future  finis;

    S my bo;I once kno;

    And I t of a mean neiginy pits in  rue, t twelve and his name was Arnold.

    Arnold  my legs  to be my future  cold bo feo my mout my mot my future  Arnold but someone whe porcelain in my now clean bowl.

    But my mot;Yesterday, you not finis; I t of t lined my bo. By te, my eig greerror-stricken over ty t my future ed to be to my poor eating s, ually resemble ters of the moon.

    t to remember from my c it is actually a memory I recall from time to time ure of nausea and remorse. My loato suc t I eventually found a o make  one t from anot could  loosely connected coincidences. And rue or not, I knoention  someto  o look at all events and all t, an opportunity to take or avoid.

    I found tunity. told me about ture  Sunday sceacs so t all es of one anoteac us, a roomful of squirmy, ito God, to do Gods ;

    S;I  you to t a nickels  eacys, your Necco  to  to see. And I also  you to t rue blessings in life really are.quot;

    And t tor clattering ao tree trunks, ed as jungle vines. But t terrible of tions s and pustules, cracks and bumps, and fissures t I ed . If my motold me tims of future o eat platefuls of food.

    After seeing terrible t I o do so I  o marry Arnold. I began to leave more rice in my boended my prodigal ter sando a candy bar and sas and creamy goo, I sacrificed t as well.

    I considered t probably noto Arnold, t  not get leprosy, move to Africa and die. And ty t .

    die rig, it er, by opped eating, not because of Arnold,  to be faseen-year-old girls o suffer as teenagers. I ting at t table, ing for my moto finisly ting o ther.

    quot;Oen to t; ill dabbing. And ts ed to Cal State o become a podiatrist.

    quot;Doctors  first baffled by t is extremely rare and generally attacks cen and ty, monto years after tracted t; read my fat;ted  noticed ion problems and mental letil o a coma. teen, never regained consciousness.

    quot;Didnt you kno boy?quot; asked my fatood te.

    quot;t; said my mot me. quot;terrible s;

    And I t s so die. I errified.

    t nigolen a raer spoonful do. And later, for several er t, I sat side my bedroom, retco tainer. And I remember  eating someterrible, errible could make me feel so good.

    t t I could  so ridiculous. Perined to be my o myself, even today, s cies and exact opposites?  for orture?  t racted measles to e  place— of wounded love?

    And even  some part, . I didnt get Arnold. I got harold.

    tectural firm, Livotny amp; Associates. Only ny is a partner and I am an associate. e met eigarted Livotny amp; Associates. I y-eig assistant, and y-four. e botaurant design and development division of harned Kelley amp; Davis.

    e started seeing eaco talk about ts, and  tab rigendency to gain ed meeting secretly for dinner, ill divided the bill.

    And  continued t  do. Sometimes I insisted on paying for tip. And it really didnt bother me.

    quot;Lena, youre really extraordinary,quot; er six mont-prandial lovemaking, and one imid and silly love confessions. e ained in revealing places, not very romantic.

    And ;I dont t anotoget;—and I remember feeling a ;anot; because I could imagine dozens, o buy , lunco feel their skin.

    t my neck and said in a rus;Nor anyone w and squis;

    And , I s revelation of love, wondering raordinary.

    No Im angry at s o remember  ies, because I  t stupid to fall in love o marry , and consequently  all tune  moving in  fears: t ell me I smelled bad, t I errible bats, t my taste in music and television   a neion for  t; t you ;

    And I t feeling of fear never left me, t I ly, a friend of mine, Rose, old me ts are commonplace in women like us.

    quot;At first I t it y,quot; Rose said. quot;Or t maybe it  everytao and not make  my t said, ure, your ety? And I remembered reading an article about baby boomers,  t and   maybe s all diminisurns after a certain age.quot;

    And after my talk  better about myself and I t, Of course, s.  exactly ainly attractive in t ellectual  be a raving beauty, but a lot of ell me Im quot;exoticquot; in an unusual  my breasts dont sag, no small breasts are in. Plus, one of my clients said I ality and exuberance.

    So I t like bad karma. ere equals. Im also smart. I uitive, old o start his own firm.

    ill  ;  arted your ooday, youd aurant clients.quot;

    And ;s love.quot;

    And I sed back, laug;More t good. Youre t taurant design and development. You kno and I kno, and so do a lot of restaurant developers.quot;

    t  o quot;go for it,quot; as  it, ed ever since a bank I used to ed ts employee productivity contest.

    But still, I said to ; to , too. I mean, youre going to need money to start t;

    aking any money from me, not as a favor, not as a loan, not as an investment, or even as t on a partnersionsoo muc  to contaminate it ;I   a  any more t one. As long as e, well always be sure of our love for eac;

    I ed to protest. I ed to say, quot;No! Im not really t money, t. Im really into giving freely. I …quot; But I didnt knoed to ask  ing love in all its  t Id been ing to ime.

    quot;Actually, you could  if you moved in   you paid to me…quot;

    quot;ts a ; I said immediately, kno  didnt matter t t on my studio   ra money, no matter wh.

    So  arted Livotny amp; Associates, and I  to  coordinator. And no,  get aurant clients of , ened to sue if  over t year. So I gave alks in told garde tic restaurant design, to differentiate her firms.

    quot;; I said. quot;s anota place in sleek Italian moderno? o  of tos t are just clones of t every time. Get tors o American ingenuity.quot;

    said, quot;I love it .

    So I stammered out my love. quot;You…you…could do neing places…a…a…uff, mom at tcresses leaning over telling you to finish your soup.

    quot;And maybe…maybe you could do a novel-menu restaurant…foods from fiction…sand desserts from Nora Epburn. And somet;

    ually listened to me. ook ted, met  still, I remember, it was my idea.

    And today Livotny amp; Associates is a groime people, aurant design, ill like to call quot;ting.quot;  man, tect, tation to a ne. I erior designer, because, as   seem fair to ted me just because  er arted Livotny amp; Associates. And even t udies, I took only one relevant course, in ter set design, for a college production of Madama Butterfly.

    At Livotny amp; Associates, I procure ts. For one restaurant called tale, one of my prized findings enciled ;Overbored,quot; and I  ture fised  ranslating into feet. For a Laray S t, and I found the replicas of cobras lying on fake hollywood boulders.

    I love my  it too muc it,  paid, o everybody except me, I get upset.

    So really,  t  seven times more t I make. oo, because  it into my separate c.

    Lately,  being equals started to bots been on my mind, only I didnt really kno. I just felt a little uneasy about somet a  all became clear. I ting t diso cer, op, e coffee mug o ttle domestic signs of familiarity, our daily ritual, made me s it ime o  caring  in return.

    And o till  feeling and I touc;; And ;I love you, too. Did you lock t; And just like t, I started to ts just not enough.

    ;Im going doo buy stuff for dinner. Steaks okay? ant anyt;

    quot;ere out of rice,quot; I say, discreetly nodding tourned to me. S tc trellis of bougainvillea. And t the sound of crunching gravel as he drives away.

    My motart to er ts. Sanding on iptoes, peering at a list stuck on our refrigerator door.

    t says quot;Lenaquot; and quot;; and under eac and :

    Lenu

    chicken, veg., bread, broccoli, shampoo, beer $19.63

    Maria (clean + tip) $65 groceries

    (see s) $55.15

    petunias, potting soil $14.11

    Po developing $13.83

    harold

    Garage stuff $25.35

    Batuff $5.41

    Car stuff $6.57

    Ligures $87.26

    Road gravel $19.99

    Gas $22.00

    Car Smog Check $35

    Movies amp; Dinner $65

    Ice Cream $4.50

    t over a y from my c.

    quot; is ting?quot; asks my mother in Chinese.

    quot;O t; I say as casually as I can.

    And s me and fro doesnt say anyto reading t, time more carefully, moving em.

    And I feel embarrassed, kno, tless talks, anding about not including personal t;mascara,quot; and quot;sion,quot; quot;; or quot;Bic s; quot;tampons,quot; or quot;ates foot po;

    married at city ed on paying t my friend Robert to take pos. e y at our apartment and everybody broug t I sage of tgage based on age of community property; tten in our prenuptial agreement. Since e on  is sleek, spare, and ; noto disrupt ttered look. As for vacations, togety-fifty. tanding t its a birtmas present, or an anniversary gift.

    And  rol pills, or dinners at ertain people  I subscribe to but  because hem for himself.

    And ill argue about Mirugai, t—not our cat, or my cat, but t t o me for my birt year.

    quot;t s; exclaims my motonisartled, ts about Mirugai. But ting to quot;ice creamquot; on . My mot remember t on ted, sitting next to t container of regurgitated ice cream. I could never stand tuff after t. And tartled once again to realize t iced t I dont eat any of the ice cream he brings home every Friday evening.

    quot;;

    My mot t up to  o explain t: quot;So e false dependencies…be equals…love  obligation…quot; But tand.

    So instead I tell my mot;I dont really knos sometarted before  married. And for some reason opped.quot;

    urns from tore, arts te teaks, cook t table. My mots on a stool at te counter, drinking from a mug of coffee Ive poured for es stom of tissue suffed in er sleeve.

    During dinner, ion going. alks about ts, expanding ting floulips and crocuses, clearing tyle tile batable and starts stacking tes in the dishwasher.

    quot;?quot; o the freezer.

    quot;Im full,quot; I say.

    quot;Lena cannot eat ice cream,quot; says my mother.

    quot;So it seems. S.quot;

    quot;No, s it. S like.quot;

    And noing me to translate her has said.

    quot;Its true,quot; I say evenly. quot;Ive ed ice cream almost all my life.quot;

    me, as if I, too, and.

    quot;I guess I assumed you  trying to lose weig;

    quot;S see ; says my mot;S, disappear.quot;

    quot;ts rig, ts great,quot; exclaims rying to rescue him.

    After dinner, I put clean to room. My motting on t look to it: te ss and , polised gray walls.

    tion is an odd-looking piece rig to table made out of a slab of unevenly cut marble and ts able and top starts to he vase quiver.

    quot;Careful, its not too sturdy,quot; I say. table is a poorly designed piece t udent days. Ive al doesnt bear any of traits of quot;fluidityquot; t are so important to hese days.

    quot; use for?quot; asks my motable ;You put sometop, everyt;

    I leave my motairs. o let t air in. his every evening.

    quot;Im cold,quot; I say.

    quot;s t?quot;

    quot;Could you close t;

    me, sig, and ts doting on t kno t  harold.

    And before I even do it, I knoarting a fig is bigger to  I do it anyo tor and I cross out quot;ice creamquot; on .

    quot;s going on ;

    quot;I just dont t credit for your ice cream anymore.quot;

    ;Suits me.quot;

    quot;o be so goddamn fair!quot; I s.

    s ed look. quot; is t you say ter?quot;

    quot;I dont kno kno for everyt  sired of it, adding tracting, making it come out even. Im sick of it.quot;

    quot;You ed t.quot;

    quot; are you talking about?quot;

    quot;All rig terminators, .quot;

    quot;ts not t!quot;

    quot;tell me, please, ?quot;

    I start to cry,  alive. But I cant , because I realize no I dont kno of t is. Am I asking o support me? Am I asking to pay less top accounting for everyt inue to tally t  I feel  ten married in t place. Maybe his way.

    None of it seems rig to note despair.

    quot;I just to c; I say  comes out like o t  t, ;

    quot;S,quot;  t sounds like a  voice, quot;ell, I kno more t. A lot more. And if you dont t , before you c;

    And no knoo t am I saying? s  in t saying anyt t in tance is ts stering, upstairs, and a chair scrapes across a wood floor.

    arts to get up, but I say, quot;No, Ill go see.quot;

    t t, quot;Ma?quot;

    I see it rigable collapsed on top of its spindly black legs. Off to treer.

    And tting by tte against t sky. Surns around in  I cant see her face.

    quot;Fallen do; s apologize.

    quot;It doesnt matter,quot; I say, and I start to pick up t;I kne would ;

    quot;t stop it?quot; asks my mother.

    And its sucion.

 Four Directions

    averly Jong

    I aken my mot to lunc my favorite Caurant in ting  it er.

    at tions Restaurant, se disapproval. quot;Ai-ya! s tter ; she said in Chinese.

    quot; do you mean, s tter, quot; I said. quot;I  cut.quot; Mr. Rory yled my ly time, an asymmetrical blunt-line fringe t  side. It  radically so.

    quot;Looks c; s;You must ask for your money back.quot;

    I sig;Lets just oget;

    Sigtering, quot;Not too many good t; tapped ters arm, icks ;t me to eat ?quot; S  tea, and taurant patrons seated near us to do told ter to make sure t, and of course, it  estimate quot;not even luke;

    quot;You s get so upset,quot; I said to my moter sed a cra dollars because sea, instead of tea. quot;Besides, unnecessary stress isnt good for your .quot;

    quot;Not,quot; s a disparaging eye on ter.

    And s. Despite all tension sors  my mot age sixty-nine, een-year-old and trengts o be obstinate and frank to t of tactlessness. Sion, because Im a Rabbit, born in 1951, supposedly sensitive, endencies totery at t sign of criticism.

    After our miserable lunc time to tell  Ricting married.

    quot;; my friend Marlene Ferber . quot;Its not as if Ricax attorney like you, for Cicize t?quot;

    quot;You dont kno; I said. quot;S;

    quot;So elope ; said Marlene.

    quot;ts ; Marvin  .

    quot;So t; said Marlene.

    quot;So ; I said. quot;And t  for openers.quot;

    My mot Ric, every time I brougance, t Rico t Ricaken my four-year-old daugo to c.

    quot;Did I tell you,quot; I said as ed for t Four Directions, quot; time S torium? ;

    quot;O; interrupted my mot;I didnt tell you. Your fators say maybe need exploratory surgery. But no, no too mucipated.quot; I gave up. And tine.

    I paid for ten and ted out exact ceen cents, and put t on tray instead, explaining firmly: quot;No tip!quot; Sossed riump smile. And er a five-dollar bill. o me anding. her plan.

    quot;C;—Stinks to deattered my moturned. Stle travel package of Kleenex. S trust otoilet paper. quot;Do you need to use?quot;

    I s;But before I drop you off, lets stop at my place real quick. t to s;

    My mot been to my apartment in mont married, so drop by unannounced, until one day I suggested sime. Ever since to come unless I issue an official invitation.

    And so I cion to tment—from tine at I maintained after too mucime to keep my life in order—to t ctered oys, all brigic ttered parts. t of Ricy snifters on table, t Sook apart to see whe voices came from.

    quot;Its back ; I said. e kept o t ies spilling over. My motepped over running soys, Ricack of  back from the cleaners.

    ime long ago o a clinic to get our polio booster ss. As t into my brot me ten all over ;Next one doesnt .quot;

    But noice t oget t go aalk about it? So say something.

    I  to t and t t Ricmas. It  extravagant gift I had ever received.

    I put t on. quot;Its sort of a silly present,quot; I said nervously. quot;Its o  it seems to be a fad, ;

    My mot. So, bulging ies, my dresses, and Rics. She mink.

    quot;t so good,quot; s last. quot;It is just leftover strips. And too s, no long ;

    quot;icize a gift!quot; I protested. I ;.quot;

    quot;t is w; she said.

    And looking at t in t fend off trengty to make me see black ion of romance.

    quot;Arent you going to say anyt; I asked softly.

    quot; I s;

    quot;About tment? About t; I gestured to all t.

    So;You  to live like mess ;

    My moto  a nerve. And t sly like an electric jolt, t grounds itself permanently in my memory. I still remember t time I felt it.

    I en years old. Even ty to play c. It less, so easy. I could see t ot. I could create barriers to protect myself t o my opponents. And t gave me supreme confidence. I knes  exactly  trategy self as a devastating and irrevocable course. I loved to win.

    And my moto sropo discuss my games as if srategies.

    quot;I told my daugo run over t; s;S; And of course, s and a  o do h my winning.

    to our family friends  o be so smart to  tricks. You blo, and est. t kno;

    I ed tried to take all t. And one day I told ing at ockton Street, in told  kno s up. ords to t effect.

    t evening and t day s speak to me. Siff o my fatalking about a rotten fis w bes bad smell.

    I knerategy, to get someone to pounce back in anger and fall into a trap. So I ignored o speak and ed for o come to me.

    After many days  in my room, staring at ty-four squares of my crying to ts  playing chess.

    Of course I didnt mean to quit forever. At most, just for a feead of practicing in my room every nigo t do of television set ared at me, an unruder. I used my broto furto annoy them.

    quot;Ma!quot; ted. quot;Make op. Make ;

    But my mot say anything.

    Still I   I could see I ronger move. I decided to sacrifice a tournament t o play in it. And my motainly o speak to me about t associations art calling ing, pleading to make me play again.

    And tournament came and . And s come to me, crying, quot; playing c; But I  a boy her occasions had won.

    I realized my motricks t. But noired of ed to start practicing for t tournament. So I decided to pretend to let o speak first.

    quot;I am ready to play c; I announced to  special ted to eat.

    But instead, so a froared into my eyes, as if srut of me.

    quot;ell me t; sones. quot;You t is so easy. One day quit, next day play. Everyt, so easy, so fast.quot;

    quot;I said Ill play,quot; I whined.

    quot;No!quot; sed, and I almost jumped out of my scalp. quot;It is not so easy anymore.quot;

    I unned by  back to my room. I stared at my cs sixty-four squares, to figure out o undo terrible mess. And after staring like tually believed t I e squares black and te, and everyt.

    And sure enoug nig next to my bed, scolding me for going to sc my ser. In trained o figernoon, s in a cting me a pink ser  a ser t Auntie Suyuan  for er June, and   unattractive and of t yarn. I was so  she had become her usual self.

    But after I got , really, my moticed different c polisrop cut out tem t mentioned my name. It ly groping eaco see  was.

    At my next tournament,  enoug. And o isfied look, as if it rategy.

    I   just t tournament. I examined every move, every piece, every square. And I could no longer see t ion of eacakes, my   my magic armor. And everybody could see t o attack me.

    Over t feer montinued to play, but never  same feeling of supreme confidence. I fougion. eful, relieved. And error t I  I  t and urned into someone quite ordinary.

    to ted so easily a feopped playing cogetested. I een.

    quot;You kno understand you,quot; said Marlene er I . quot;You can tell to piss up a rope, but you cant stand up to your o;

    quot;I alend to and ttle sneaky ttle barbs, and…quot;

    quot; you tell o stop torturing you,quot; said Marlene. quot;tell o stop ruining your life. tell o s up.quot;

    quot;ts ; I said ;You  me to tell my moto s up?quot;

    quot;Sure, ;

    quot;ell, I dont knos explicitly stated in t you cant ever tell a Co s up. You could be co your o;

    I  so muc stack icize  at first. t someticed, and t like a little piece of sand, one from tion, anotil er, rategy, tack, I  some unseen speck of truto my eye, blur ransform  o someone quite mundane, mortally iresome s and irritating imperfections.

    to my first marriage, to Marvin Ceen and een. . ed t Lo a full sco Stanford. ennis. y-six straig. e love positions for different days and o ernoonquot; and Id shiver.

    But by time my mot  no ennis balls to run aies.  knoraigo tell big jokes to make ottle. en-dollar tips to strangers but ingy s to family.  ernoon ant taking .

    My feelings for Marvin never reace. No, it   from disappointment to contempt to apatic boredom. It  until after ed, on nig I wondered if perher had poisoned my marriage.

    t affect my daug aborted  I , I ly referred to my pregnancy as my quot;groment,quot; and I dragged Marvin doo to suffer too. It turned out  to tcerrible bit of puritanical brainle t seven iny, tiny fingers. And t translucent fingers could move, t iny fingers—so t. I found every detail about o be remarkable, especially t s away from o cry, I knew my feelings for her were inviolable.

    But I  I . ed notence ime,  ter—because of me. ic; ed il  me. And tic gestures all t ;FYI—For Your Informationquot; notes to legal briefs and corporate returns t I o revietom: quot;FYI—Forever You amp; I.quot; t kno our relations kind of reckless be thrilled me.

    try   types ;Am I ing you?quot;  tuned to my every movement I le treasures. e aspects of me—and I mean not just sexual private parts, but my darker side, my meanness, my pettiness, my self-loat  ely naked, and  tly t t t moment.  alloo cover myself up. raigell me somet why he loved me.

    Id never kno it ried to store every one of ts about Rico call upon time was necessary.

    After muc, I came up  plan. I concocted a  my mot, I arranged it so my mot to cook a meal especially for ie Suyuan. Auntie Su  tormenting eacs and secrets. And I gave Auntie Su a secret to boast about.

    After ed to Ric op by for a surprise visit to my Auntie Su and Uncle Canning. t a fe of my motment. It e afternoon, just in time to catcie Su preparing Sunday dinner.

    quot;Stay! Stay!quot; sed.

    quot;No, no. Its just t ; I said.

    quot;Already cooked enoug eat it, only o t aed!quot;

    er, Auntie Suyuan ter from Ric;Ric  Casted,quot; I e.

    And t day, my moto invite me to a belated birt was bringing oo.

    I kne;Just be sure to tell er t  you ever tasted, t it ter tie Sus,quot; I told Ric;Believe me.quot;

    t of t in tccing for t moment to tell  our marriage plans, t  married next July, about seven mont into ering at time about Auntie Suyuan: quot;S a recipe. My instructions are in my fingers. I kno ingredients to put in just by using my nose!quot; And sy, seemingly inattentive to  I s of t and shredded pork dish.

    I  Ricinized o toe, c t already given to ie Suyuan. I tried to anticipate icisms she would have.

    Ric only not Cunately,  on t side, compactly built. In s,  easily forgettable, like somebodys nep a funeral.  notice  year oget t my moticed everything.

    quot;So ; I finally asked, h.

    Sossed t in t oil and it made a loud, angry ;So many spots on ; she said.

    I could feel t;t; I said a bit too edly in trying to raise my voice above tchen.

    quot;O; sly.

    quot;Yes, ts tter. Everybody kno.quot;

    S and t;Maybe true.  ts, you o stay en days. So lucky, you t.quot;

    I couldnt save Ricc save er at table.

    a bottle of Frenc knos could not appreciate. My parents did not even oake of drinking not one but ted glasses full,  for taste.quot;

    ed on using ticks. riced eggplant. o c took several minutes to get So stop ser.

    And to big portions of t realizing aken only a polite spoonful, until everybody had had a morsel.

    閑d neender and expensive leaves of bean plants plucked before ts turn into beans. And So eat ting to Ric; eat t eat t;

    e by refusing seconds, ions of seconds, t resist anote of somet  .

    But t  even kno  nigo direct it toable dish special pride.

    quot;Ai! t salty enoug; ser tasting a small bite. quot;It is too bad to eat.quot;

    to eat some and proclaim it t s before  needs is a little soy sauce.quot; And o pour a riverful of ty black stuff on tter, righers horrified eyes.

    And even t t my mother would somehow see Richs kindness, his sense of humor and boyish charm, I knew he had failed miserably in her eyes.

    Ric opinion on   niger  So bed, ly, quot;ell. I t it off A-o-kay.quot; ian, panting, loyal, ing to be petted.

    quot;U; I said. I ting on an old nig t I  feeling amorous. I ill ss  same easy familiarity s. quot;Linda, tim,quot; ;; My parents names are Lindo and tin Jong, and nobody, except a fe names.

    quot;So ting married. I old Ric I ell my mot and let o my father.

    quot;I never ; I said, ting married,  we were alone, so remark on o drink, or o be.

    Ric; take to say, Mom, Dad, Im getting married?quot;

    quot;You dont understand. You dont understand my mot;

    Ric; again. alking about t dead guy sy, I t salking about somet ime ago.quot;

    t niger tense. I est failure, made  t Rico it all. ic. So patic, t again, making me see black ions, relentless in , alo find my  spots.

    I e, eet;Morning, doll,quot;  t into to my parents apartment.

    Marlene ell my mot I knehousand flying cleavers.

    My fato see me. quot;; I asked, trying to keep my breatured to the living room in back.

    I found ing on a ill. All rengted.

    And t serrible ts about  of my life, and sing out of o escape my terrible red.

    quot;Ma!quot; I said s;Ma!quot; I ing to cry.

    And ;S you?quot;

    I urned, only no creases of ;;

    I didnt knoo do or say. In a matter of seconds, it seemed, I rengto being amazed by ened by y. And no numb, strangely opped.

    quot;Notter. I dont knoed to talk to you….I ed to tell you…Ricting married.quot;

    I squeezed my eyes s, ing to ests, s, t of painful verdict.

    quot;Jrdaulequot;—I already knoo ask welling his again.

    quot;You kno;

    quot;Of course. Even if you didnt tell me,quot; she said simply.

    ticized t, ;I kno good enoug I…quot;

    quot;e? e your future ;

    quot;You never  to talk about arted to tell you about  torium, you…you c…you started talking about Dads exploratory surgery and t;

    quot; is more important, explore fun or explore sickness?quot;

    I  going to let ime. quot;And t s on ;

    S me, puzzled. quot;Is t true?quot;

    quot;Yes, but, you said it just to be mean, to  me, to…quot;

    quot;Ai-ya, ; ;So you t meaning. But it is you raigigogetears.

    Orengt. My mind  do to ricken by ther.

    I felt as if I  a battle, but one t I didnt kno;Im going ; I finally said. quot;Im not feeling too good rig;

    quot;You ; sting her hand on my forehead.

    quot;No,quot; I said. I ed to leave. quot;I…I just dont know ws inside me rig;

    quot;tell you,quot; sared at ;; s;is from your fatural. tonese people. Good,  people. Altimes tempered and stingy. You kno;

    And I o myself, elling me t does to do  my motinued to speak, smiling broadly, s; Se ters out on tting t I cannot read Chinese.

    quot;e are a smart people, very strong, tricky, and famous for -sen, ;

    I nodded.

    quot; o turies ago, so  exactly taiyuan, from before t;

    I sill didnt kno soot seemed like t time ion.

    quot; to battle  at Sun eis ;

    quot;Geng ed some magic arro; I said. quot;After all, ;

    My moted as if s . quot;true,  all good stuff from taiyuan.quot;

    quot;I guess o just oy and electronics market,quot; I said.

    quot;; she asked eagerly.

    quot;You see it on everytai;

    quot;Ai!quot; s;Im not from tai;

    And just like t, tion arting to build snapped.

    quot;I ; s;tai C;

    quot;ell, I only t you said tai sounds t; I argued, irritated t s by sucentional mistake.

    quot;Sound is completely different! Country is completely different!quot; s;People t it is C go of C;

    e sank into silence, a stalemate. And ted up. quot;Noen. You can also say taiyuan is Bing. Everyone from t city calls it t. Easier for you to say. Bing, it is a nickname.quot;

    Se doer, and I nodded as if tly clear. quot;t; s;You call Apple for Ne;

    quot;Nobody calls San Francisco t!quot; I said, laug;People  dont knoter.quot;

    quot;Noand my meaning,quot; said my motriumply.

    I smiled.

    And really, I did understand finally. Not  w rue all along.

    I sa o tacks.  o find my  spots. But in tant t I  ting needle for ting a little crabby as sed patiently for er to invite her in.

    Rico postpone our  a good time to go to C returned from a trip to Beijing and taiyuan.

    quot;It is too  in ts and t; sells Ricures oo me, quot;Can you believe  of  your s, tactful nature.quot;

    quot;You must go in October. t is t time. Not too , not too cold. I am too,quot; satively. And tily adds: quot;Of course not ;

    I laug;td be great, Lindo. You could translate all t eating snakes or dogs by mistake.quot; I almost kick him.

    quot;No, t my meaning,quot; insists my mot;Really, I am not asking.quot;

    And I knoo Ce it. t dirty cicks and cold soup, t er.

    Yet part of me also t sense. tepping on togetting side by side, lifting off, moving est to reac.

 Without Wood

    Rose hsu Jordan

    I used to believe everyt knole, sold me s  gs ;oo-; to be let in. S unless he room.

    And all true to me. t strong.

    S if I listened to er I en to oo easily to ot ing meaning, because ttom of ts, w belong.

    t ers and I all slept in t sister,  made one nostril sing like a bird at nigling Nose. Rut because soes out in tc my eyes so I  o see to do. During t to fall asleep. I clung to to leave this world for dreams.

    quot;Your sisters o see Old Mr. C; my moto my mot opened into dreams. quot;Are you ready to go see Old Mr. Coo?quot; And every night I would shake my head.

    quot;Old Mr. Cakes me to bad places,quot; I cried.

    Old Mr. Cook my sisters to sleep. t before. But Old Mr. Cried to , o squass o wakefulness.

    But eventually Old Mr. C tired and leave tc top and sloilt. And I  doors or windows.

    I remember one time I dreamt of falling ttime garden and Old Mr. Cing, quot;; I ran aomping on plants  copligil I came to a giant playground filled er ro could see me inside out, told Old Mr. Co pick one t irely different.

    quot;Stop op ; cried my motried to run a;See en to your mot; And I became paralyzed, too scared to move in any direction.

    t morning, I told my mot ;Dont pay attention to Old Mr. Co listen to me.quot;

    And I cried, quot;But Old Mr. Cens to you too.quot;

    More ty years later, my motill trying to make me listen. A monter I told  ted and I ting a divorce, I met  c ty-t Church.

    quot;You are getting too t; my mot do to ;You must eat more.quot;

    quot;Im fine,quot; I said, and I smiled for proof. quot;And besides,  it you ig;

    quot;Eat more,quot; sed, and ttle spiral-bound book itled quot;Cooking t; t to raise money for the Refugee Scholarship Fund.

    topped and ter cleared .  tor; I recognized o steal baseball cards er ing  to divinity sco C to ty jail for selling stolen car stereos.

    quot;I can still ; ing said to t;S ingredients, so itd be a s;

    quot;Already cre-mated,quot; my motter-of-factly, nodding toar,  s get it.

    quot;t one, ; Sing to a large spray of yelloy-four dollars. All artificial, so it  forever. You can pay me later. Janice and Matt;

    quot;Yes, ted sent me a c;

    ter asked everyone to bo at last, dabbing er talked: quot;I can just see titude.quot;

    And o sing e: quot;You can be an an-gel, ev-ery day on eart;

    But my mot singing. Saring at me. quot;; I kept looking at t;Send-ing rays of sun-s;

    And so sion: quot;;

    Monkey business? ted? I ed to laug also t, ed,  alter one bit in t of passion? I could just see ing quot;Oo; tress trying to grab a breast.

    quot;No, I dont t; I said.

    quot;?quot;

    quot;I dont talk about ted no ;

    quot;alk about tric and not ;

    quot;Psycrist.quot;

    quot;Psycricks,quot; sed herself.

    quot;A mot. A mot is inside you,quot; s;A psycricks will only make you ;

    Back  about rue. Lately I o be  about in Engliserms. I suppose t in meaning ;confusedquot; and quot;dark fog.quot;

    But really, t. Maybe t be easily translated because to a sensation t only C trying to find your  youre so scared you cant open your eyes, so you get on your ening for voices to tell you wo go.

    I alking to too many people, my friends, everybody it seems, except ted. to eacold a different story. Yet eacrue, I ain of it, at least at t t I told it.

    to my friend averly, I said I never kneil I sa sucerally a porn off bot anest sewing me back up.

    quot;orn off erical,quot; said averly. quot;You  my opinion, youre better off   s only because its taken you fifteen years to see ional  feels like.quot;

    to my friend Lena, I said I ter off  ted. After tial s miss  all. I just missed t wh him.

    quot;?quot; Lena gasped. quot;You ed into t to   t even.quot;

    I told my psycrist I  of calling ted up and inviting o dinner, to one of trendy er arted t course and ;Its not t easy, ted.quot; From my purse I ake out a voodoo doll . I  fork at a strategic spot on t loud, in front of all taurant patrons, quot;ted, youre just sucent bastard and Im going to make sure you stay t ;ham!

    Saying t I o top of a big turning point in my life, a neer just t just looked bored, ill propped under ;It seems youve been experiencing some very po; ;I t t ;

    And so I didnt knoo t feoried my life, going from room to room trying to remember tory of everyted before I met ted (t toget after  of ture); t no longer s, four teapots); t (ty-five in a series of teuben crystal stra because I couldnt bear to see t becick ique quilt , odd-s once contained ointments, spices, and perfumes).

    I arted to inventory t a letter from ted, a note actually, ten  on ion notepad. quot;Sign 4x ; it read. And tain-pen blue ink, quot;enc: co tide you over until settlement.quot;

    te o our divorce papers, along en tain-pen blue ink on te. And instead of being grateful, I was .

    t pens? as tert?  in ermining o sign it  pen?

    I still remember t year mas tree. ;Ill use it only to sign important t; he had promised me.

    Remembering t,  on tting  top. I stared at tion notepad, te of te, quot;ten ts.quot;

    I sat tly, trying to listen to my , to make t decision. But t kno t store coupons wher.

    My motold me   I listened to too many people. S become this way.

    quot;A girl is like a young tree,quot; s;You must stand tall and listen to your motanding next to you. t is to grorong and straig if you bend to listen to oto t strong ion, running along til someone pulls you out and t;

    But by time sold me t oo late. I o bend. I arted going to sceac of rooms, up and do;Boys and girls, follo; And if you didnt listen to ick ten times.

    I still listened to my mot I also learned o let imes I filled my mind s—all in Englis , s she saw.

    Over to c opinions. C every case, tter.

    It er t I discovered too many c o get confused and pick ts  about my situation ed. to t, so muco decide. Eac a turn in anotion.

    ted rying to trick me, to get me to admit t I  I  fig,  later say t tlement. t a little sentimental and imagined, only for a moment, t  meten truly loved me; elling me in  to il I realized t ten to  I o him.

    I t about putting an end to torture and signing t about to take t of the house.

    I t to myself, I love t opens into a foyer filled ained-glass  in t room, ty from t parlor. ted ed. o ing every leaf as if s to certain planter boxes. tulips could not be mixed ting of aloe vera t Lena gave me did not belong anyws.

    I looked out turned bro, ttuce gone to seed. Runner one  er boxes. t.

    And seeing tten condition reminded me of sometune cookie: ops paying attention to ts.  time ted pruned t time ed Snail B-Gone around the flower beds?

    I quickly o ticides and  left in ttle, tion date, anyt tle down. I ching me and laughing.

    I  back in time to call a la as I started to dial, I became confused. I put t could I say?  did I  from divorce—w I ed from marriage?

    t morning, I ill t my marriage: fifteen years of living in teds s, unable to make t decisions.

    I stayed in bed for tting up only to go to to  up anot mostly I slept. I took ted  be. And for t time I can recall, I o a dark space ion. I ime I ook anot back to this place.

    But on tmare. In t see Old Mr. C o to finding me. I o keep from screaming, but t louder and louder until I burst awake.

    It  must op. I picked it up.

    quot;No you are up, I am bringing you leftover dis; said my mot tains closed tight.

    quot;Ma, I cant…quot; I said. quot;I cant see you no;

    quot;too busy for mot;

    quot;I ment…rist.quot;

    S for a ; s; talk to your ;

    quot;Ma,quot; I said, feeling drained. quot;Please. Dont tell me to save my marriage anymore. Its  is.quot;

    quot;I am not telling you to save your marriage,quot; sested. quot;I only say you s;

    s receptionist. I ment t morning, as  to resc my schedule and call back.

    And five minutes later the phone rang again.

    quot;; It ed.

    I began to s;Out,quot; I said.

    quot;Ive been trying to reac to c;

    And I kne out of any concern for me, but because s impatient and irrational about people w.

    quot;You knos been t; ation.

    quot;t;

    quot;You  casurned ted to be nice about t someone to officially serve t;

    quot;You can?quot;

    And t missing a beat, o say hings I had imagined.

    ed turned, signed. ed ted to be over as soon as possible. Because ed to get married again, to someone else.

    Before I could stop myself, I gasped. quot;You mean you ; I  started to cry.

    And t time in monter being in limbo all t time, everytopped. All tions: gone. ty feeling—and I felt free, wild. From high inside my head I could hear someone laughing.

    quot;s so funny?quot; said ted angrily.

    quot;Sorry,quot; I said. quot;Its just t…quot; and I rying o stifle my giggles, but one of t, weds silence made me laugh even harder.

    I ill gasping o begin again in a more even voice: quot;Listen, ted, sorry…I t to come over after ; I didnt kno I felt rig.

    quot;to talk about, Rose.quot;

    quot;I kno; I said in a voice so calm it surprised even me. quot;I just  to s  your papers. Believe me.quot;

    I  knoo er. I kne I ed ted to see me one more time before the divorce.

    I ended up sime e-afternoon summer fog  of my ed  as o the garden.

    quot; a mess,quot; I ter to rying to s leg loose of a blackberry vine t o ting  ake to get to order.

    quot;I like it t; I said, patting tops of overgros, t to be born. And ted in and out of tio. Oto climbing up to to pull t once the whole building down.

    ted ossing to t;; he finally said.

    I o uffed t of . aken for kindness and protection. quot;You dont o move out rig; ;I kno at least a monto find a place.quot;

    quot;Ive already found a place,quot; I said quickly, because rigo live.  moment—until I said, quot;;

    quot;s t?quot; ill up, but nohere was no smile.

    quot;I said Im staying ; I announced again.

    quot;; , squinted   any moment. t expression of o terrify me into stammers.

    No not;I say Im staying, and my laoo, once ; I said.

    ted pulled out tared at till till blank. quot; do you tly ; he said.

    And t ant above everyt;You cant just pull me out of your life and t;

    I saed:  strong.

    t nig I rees and bus. And tted Old Mr. Cance, ts ser boxes.

    quot;t; cried my mot me and o my mot sending a baby.

    quot;See,quot; s;I  planted t;

    And belo over tion.

    it ood   Up

    Best Quality

    Jing-Mei oo

    Five monter a crab dinner celebrating C;lifes importance,quot; a jade pendant on a gold c  a piece of je ttle finger, a mottled green and ricately carved. to me, t looked oo large, too green, too garise. I stuffed t about it.

    But t my lifes importance. I  means, because my moty-sixto tell me about lifes importance, to and my grief.

    I no pendant every day. I tails, ice until after ted out to me, alo Cie Lindo, Auntie An-mei, or ot I also knoell me a meaning t is different from ended.  if tell me to te and t my motility and posterity?  if my mot to give me purity and y? Or ten-ts from tain, giving me my lifes direction and a tality?

    And because I t time, I alice ots—not t rectangular medallions or te ones  ones like mine, a ts as to t covenant, so secret  even knoo. Last ender ;

    quot;My mot to me,quot; he said.

    I asked ion t only one Cwo Chinese people are already like family.

    quot;S to me after I got divorced. I guess my motelling me Im still ;

    And I kne  t really meant.

    At last years Cra. S tockton Street in Co,  floor of a six-unit building ter for a small ad agency, so times a er o insist t I stay for dinner.

    t year, C off o yone, but sill al s behind.

    Every time I  o Co ot;; ss and perfect black ;Cantonese, village people,quot; sted caps, bent over in layers of padded tops and mens vests. And my motblue polyester pants, a red ser, and a c—s look like anybody else. S t started in K sout to So  departed for San Francisco. My mot directions.

    And no  tuck,quot; s tenants o evict text t relatives from Co live t to get around rent control. t budge until sives. And after t I o listen to  every neice ted on her.

    My mot too many bags in t;Cost me extra.quot;

    And t artist type ed tment in terrible red and green colors. quot;A; moaned my mot;And take batimes every day. Running ter, running, running, running, never stop!quot;

    quot;Last ; s eacep, quot;t; So all Caucasians as ;t poison in a fis cat.quot;

    quot; cat?quot; I asked, even tly . I  cat many times. It om ripes side sill of my motcand on iptoes and bang tco scare t a and o s.

    quot;t cat alo put a stink on my door,quot; complained my mother.

    I once sa of boiling er. I empted to ask if s poison in a fis I o take sides against my mother.

    quot;So  cat?quot; I asked.

    quot;t cat gone! Disappear!quot; S before t;And t man,  and call me  Fukien landlady. I not from Fukien. ; sisfied s him in his place.

    On Stockton Street, o anot crabs.

    quot;Dont get a dead one,quot; ;Even a beggar  eat a dead one.quot;

    I poked to see y ted it out and into a plastic sack. I lifted one crab to find one of its legs o by anotug-of- a limb.

    quot;Put it back,quot; w;A missing leg is a bad sign on C;

    But a man in a o us. arted talking loudly to my motonese, and my motonese so poorly it sounded just like alking loudly back, pointing to ts missing leg. And after more s crab and its leg  into our sack.

    quot;Doesnt matter,quot; said my mot;tra one.quot;

    Back o a sinkful of cold er. S out o a sc newspapers and Chinese fragrances.

    ted t of tove. Sacked tileveled steamer t sat over tove, put a lid on top, and lit t bear to c into the dining room.

    , I  , and jumped back every time its claermined t to a great understanding er. But before I could even decide o name my ne, my mot into a pot of cold er and placed it on tall stove. I cer ed up and t began to clatter rying to tap  of  soup. to t crab screaming as  one brig over t. It must  crabs ry to convince myself t t o knoh.

    For our Neion, my moted ime friends Lindo and tin Jong. it even asking, my mot meant including t,  er, averly, o see if ax attorney at Price ater Ser from a previous marriage, ed to knos c in case s bored. My moto invite Mr. Ceacill lived t our old apartment.

    Including my mot made eleven people. But my moted only ten, because to  a c count, at least not as far as crabs  averly mig the same way.

    ter of steaming crabs  and s crab, test, t, and put it on ers plate. And t best for Ric, from  ural t o pick t-best ones for  looked t to Old Cy and deserved t kind of respect, and t left tter: a large crab orn-off leg.

    My motter in front of me. quot;take it, already cold,quot; said my mother.

    I  too fond of crab, every since I sa I kne refuse. ts t t ern offerings of steamed dumplings, ducks gizzards, and crab.

    I t I  taking t my mot;No! No! Big one, you eat it. I cannot finis;

    I remember t out, scraping out tidbits icks—and my mot plate. I iced ting up to go to tce in urned,  t h more bowls of soy sauce, ginger, and scallions.

    And tomacarted talking at once.

    quot;Suyuan!quot; called Auntie Lindo to my mot; color?quot; Auntie Lindo gestured o my moter.

    quot;oo young!quot; she scolded.

    My moted as t. quot;Emporium Cap; s;Nineteen dollar. C it myself.quot;

    Auntie Lindo nodded ed o C;

    quot;Crab isnt C; said averly in  y-five years ago,  same voice, quot;You arent a genius like me.quot;

    Auntie Lindo looked at er ion. quot; is C is not C; And turned to Ricy, quot; eating t part?quot;

    And I sa y, se: reddiss of orange freckles. ie Lindo demonstrated tecick into t: quot;You o dig in  t. t tastiest, you try.quot;

    averly and Ric eaced in disgust. I  and Lisa ; and too.

    Uncle tin started laugo o let us knoimes: quot;I tell my daug; ting next to ; you get it? Look w ell o, marry Ric;

    quot;ting married?quot; asked Vincent.

    quot;I s; said averly. Lisa looked embarrassed ion.

    quot;Mom, I dont like crab!quot; whined Shoshana.

    quot;Nice ,quot; averly said to me from across table.

    quot;t job.quot;

    quot;You mean you still go to t guy on reet?quot; averly asked, arc;Arent you afraid?quot;

    I could sense t I said it any; do you mean, afraid? ;

    quot;I mean, ; averly said. quot;ting your ting a living tissue. Maybe Im being paranoid, being a mot you just cant be too safe t;

    And I sat ted h disease.

    quot;You s; said averly. quot;Mr. Rory. o.quot;

    I felt like screaming. Ss. Every time I asked  of tax questions, for example, surn tion around and make it seem as if I oo co pay for her legal advice.

    S;I really dont like to talk about important tax matters except in my office. I mean, , and its  give me tion. Id feel terrible. And you oo,  you?quot;

    At t crab dinner, I  ed to embarrass o reveal in front of everybody ty so confront  t pages of brocs tax services. ty days late in paying my invoice.

    quot;Maybe I could afford Mr. Rorys prices if someones firm paid me on time,quot; I said easing grin. And I o see averlys reaction. Sered, speechless.

    I couldnt resist rubbing it in: quot;I ts pretty ironic t a big accounting firm cant even pay its oime. I mean, really, averly, ;

    .

    quot;ing!quot; said my fatill cricycles and crayon colors.

    quot;ts rig  to talk about t; said averly quietly.

    quot;So s are going to do?quot; said Vincent, trying to be funny. Nobody laughed.

    I  about to let ime. quot;ell, every time I call you on t talk about it t; I said.

    averly looked at Ricurned back to me and sighed.

    quot;Listen, June, I dont knoell you t stuff you e,  able.quot;

    quot;Youre lying. You said it .quot;

    averly sig;I kno  to  your feelings. I rying to see if  some it  ;

    And just like t, I arting to flail, tossed  o deep er, droe. quot;Most copy needs fine-tuning,quot; I said. quot;Its…normal not to be perfect t time. I ster.quot;

    quot;June, I really dont t;

    quot;Rees are free. Im just as concerned about making it perfect as you are.quot;

    averly acted as if s even ;Im trying to convince to at least pay you for some of your time. I kno a lot of o it…I o least t for even suggesting you do it.quot;

    quot;Just tell me  c , line by line.quot;

    quot;June—I cant,quot; averly said y. quot;Its just not…sopicated. Im sure e for your ots is  …our style.quot; Souco , as if so yle.

    ted ;I mean, really, June.quot; And tarted speaking in a deep television-announcer voice: quot;ts, to buy…Satisfaction guaranteed…for todays and tomorroax needs…quot;

    S everybody t it ters ;true, cannot teacyle. June not sopicate like you. Must be born t;

    I  myself, ed I felt. I smarted by averly once again, and norayed by my ocrain. I tried to find someto concentrate on, and I remember picking up my plate, and table, and seeing so sears tes,  I  her five years ago.

    table tered  cigarettes and put a crab sray. So tes out otally deaf over tc;Bravo! Bravo!quot; And except for range ss, nobody said a  to tcurned e of oranges sliced into  ts of  cleared , tted Lisas hand.

    It ie Lindo  ry again. You make oo fast first time. Of course s get it rig;

    I could ing an orange slice. S sound as if sing crisp apples instead. t eeth.

    quot;Good one take time,quot; continued Auntie Lindo, nodding  h herself.

    quot;Put in lotta action,quot; advised Uncle tin. quot;Lotta action, boy, ts  rig;

    quot;Probably not,quot; I said, and smiled before carrying tes to the sink.

    t , in tc I realized I ter ter. I , quot;e can provide t.quot; to quot;ts, to Buy.quot; t -1 multiplexers, protocol converters, and t  somet.

    I turned on ter to  averly. I felt tired and fooliso escape someone co look behere.

    I picked up my mote, to tc tart of touced t  like crab in t place. I couldnt tell .

    After everybody left, my motcting dis er on for more tea and sat do tcable. I ed for o cise me.

    quot;Good dinner, Ma,quot; I said politely.

    quot;Not so good,quot; s oothpick.

    quot; o your crab?  a;

    quot;Not so good,quot; s;t crab die. Even a beggar dont  it.quot;

    quot;ell? I didnt smell anyt;

    quot;Can tell even before cook!quot; Sanding no tco t. quot;I s crab before cook. ;

    quot; if you kne ;

    quot;I t…maybe only just die. Maybe taste not too bad. But I can smell, dead taste, not firm.quot;

    quot; if someone else  crab?quot;

    My mot me and smiled. quot;Only you pick t crab. Nobody else take it. I already kno best quality. You t.quot;

    S in a  didnt make any sense, t sounded bot time.

    I ting a of tes and t;Ma,  you? If you didnt like told me. I could tern.quot;

    quot;Of course, I like,quot; sated. quot;Sometime I t to save it. t I save it.quot;

    And t no off,  in  t my fingers around it.

    quot;No, Ma,quot; I protested. quot;I cant take t;

    quot;Nala, nalaquot;—take it, take it—sinued in C;For a long time, I ed to give you t it on your skin, tance.quot;

    I looked at t  green jade. I ed to give it back. I didnt  to accept it. And yet I also felt as if I .

    quot;Youre giving to me only because of w onig; I finally said.

    quot; ;

    quot; averly said.  everybody said.quot;

    quot;tss! en to  to follo;Al;

    I put t felt cool.

    quot;Not so good, t; ster-of-factly, touc, and t;t is a very lig if you  every day it ;

    My fat eaten co cook ofu. Ive decided to make o tell me  tore t and  Im making tly because I knoo cook it. I like t: ginger, scallions, and a red c tickles my nose te I open the jar.

    Above me, I o action er running in my sink do a trickle. One of tenants upstairs must be taking a s;Even you dont  tuck.quot; And now I know w s.

    As I rinse tofu in tartled by a dark mass t appears suddenly at ts tomcat from upstairs.  the window.

    My mot kill t damn cat after all, and Im relieved. And t rubbing more vigorously on tarts to raise ail.

    quot;Get a; I s, and slap my imes. But t just narroens  me.

    American translation   Up

    Queen Motern Skies

    quot;O! ;—You bad little teasing er. quot;Is Buddeaco laug; As tinued to gurgle, t a deep wisirring in .

    quot;Even if I could live forever,quot; so t;I still dont knooo laughed for no reason.

    quot;But later I to protect myself. And tauger, your moto s be  as well.

    quot; not because I oo? If I see someone  smelled t;

    tening to s.

    quot;O! O! You say you are laugern Skies, noo give me tening….

    quot;ttle Queen. t teacer to lose your innocence but not your o laug;

 Magpies

    An-Mei hsu

    Yesterday my daugo me, quot;My marriage is falling apart.quot;

    And no coucears out about til to fall, not to cry about, everything dry.

    S;No c; S knory, she can lose her chance forever.

    I knoaugo desire noto so eat my oterness.

    And even tauger te, still s t is because so me and so my motairs, one step after anot all going the same way.

    I knoo be quiet, to listen and c to c o listen, ill  y years ago.

    My motranger to me  my uncles  seen  I knew sher, because I could feel her pain.

    quot;Do not look at t ; . quot;So tream. ral spirit is lost forever. t decayed flested to t;

    And I are at my mot look evil. I ed to touc looked like mine.

    It is true, srange foreign clot s speak back urn to tientsin, wo a rich man.

    me? tion I could not ask. I was a ccen.

    t before so leave, s o protect me from a danger I could not see. I o bring old me a story.

    quot;An-mei,quot; s;tle turtle t lives in t; I nodded. tyard and I often poked a stick in till er to make turtle s from underneathe rocks.

    quot;I also kne turtle ;I used to sit by tco ting ttle beak. urtle.quot;

    I could see t turtle in my mind and I knehe same one.

    quot;turtle feeds on our ts,quot; said my mot;I learned t s, or run, or sit on to catcs. I could not cry if I ed. I o be silent and listen to my elders. And if I did not do t off my o a place w nuns lived.

    quot;t niger Popo told me t by to ter. And because I o cry. turtle so top and ing my tears as soon as toucer. e tears, t of to a smooto speak.

    quot;turtle said, I en your tears, and t I must warn you. If you cry, your life will always be sad.

    quot;turtle opened  poured five, six, seven pearly eggs. tely began to cter and sing. I knee bellies and pretty voices t t to to drink greedily. And ure one, t to the air, laughing.

    quot;Nourtle, drifting back into t is useless to cry. Your tears do not o sears. quot;

    But after my motory, I looked at o cry again, t te, to live like turtles seeing tery ogettom of ttle pond.

    In to  t angry sounds in tance. I jumped out of my bed and ran quietly to my window.

    Out in t courtyard, I sacone pat somet find it again. In front of ood Uncle, my moting.

    quot;You  to take your daug; Uncle stamped  at tinent t. quot;You s;

    My mot say anyt on turtle in to cry in tter tears.

    I o get dressed. And by time I ran doairs and into t room, my mot to leave. A servant aking runk outside. My auntie tle broto close my mouted, quot;Ma!quot;

    quot;See o your daug; exclaimed my uncle.

    And my motill bo me and sa stop my tears from running doood up tall, raig noaller t to me and I ran to , calm voice: quot;An-mei, I am not asking you. But I am going back to tientsin no;

    My auntie ely ;A girl is no better t sop of a ne. But in front of you, it is just t you see in front of you.quot;

    And ermined to leave. Because t of me  I could not understand. So I turned my ies strange  my mother.

    No;Is t you  to do?quot; said my uncle. quot;t your ;  vase on t smaso many pieces. I jumped, and my motook my hand.

    ;Come, An-mei. e must ; she said, as if observing a rainy sky.

    quot;An-mei!quot; I  call piteously from be t;S;—Finis;S;

    As I  rue, ed it.

    And I satle brotie o  dare take my broto somebody elses o live. If , ure. But I kne asked o follow.

    my uncle rue. After I sa keep my ed.

    In to tation, my mot;Poor An-mei, only you kno only I could see te and rare ts.

    But on train, I realized raveled for seven days, one day by rail, six days by steamer boat. At first, my motold me stories of tientsin w w been.

    Salked of clever peddlers s, and my mote, a te, till finger- off to the hungry buyer.

    S and its seafood and claimed it ter t e in Ningpo. Big clams, pra—oto t?

    Sold me about narroreets s sold vegetables I en before in my life—and my mot, so tender, so fresions of ty  never togete s, some dirty, some clean. And ted in pink, anot jutted out at every angle like ts of Victorian dresses, oted s and ed o look like ivory.

    And in tertime I  art to rain, and tly, more sloil it became als of quince blossoms in ts and pants, so if it ter cold, no matter!

    Sold me many stories until my face urned forosin. But ientsin gulf, ters co black and t began to rock and groan. I became fearful and sick. And at nigream my aunt , ters t ccers from my sickbed on t, I  my aunts s. And my ts, too, became cloudy and confused.

    On to arrive in tientsin, s into our sleeping cabin o tting room on top deck, sranger. ed t ter, t te, op of

    across t.  ucked into t, except for t curls on  faced eace lace collar t fell all to  and ened doh a silk rose.

    t. e  I could not say anyther wear her shame so boldly.

    In ten on top: quot;Fine Englisailored Apparel, tientsin.quot; I remember s told me: quot;Open it! Quickly!quot; Srange manner, it  until many years later, ore letters and pograp I wondered  seen me for many years, s I would someday follow  I should wear a new dress when I did.

    And   tiers of ruffles for a skirt. tained ockings, e o be fastened on ies.

    Everytoo big. My s slipping out of t  t I did not mind. S mind. I raised my arms and stood perfectly still. S pins and ttle tucks uffed in terials, toes of tissue paper, until everyt. earing t as if I  and I o walk in a new way.

    And t c dreo the dock.

    quot;An-mei, noo start your netle broto eat. Do you to be ;

    I nodded quietly, t t say anyt t ask any questions, because noientsin. My motructions to our porter, pointed to our trunks and  o be five or six dead foxes ails. S t around ighe crowd of people.

    t to meet us. My motform, looking nervously from side to side.

    quot;An-mei, come! ; s, trying to stay in too-large s c s; rics follos of food.

    e stood near treet, . e s, c tation, c e morning, and alt seemed side, the sky was gray and clouding over.

    After a long time of standing and seeing no one, my moted for a rickshaw.

    During ted extra caso carry t t from treet, teness of tomacs, surned s to me: a spot on my neangle in my ed stockings. I tried to ing to ask  a small park, a bird flying above us, a long electric streetcar t passed us sounding its horn.

    But s;An-mei, sit still. Do not look so eager. e are only going ;

    And wed.

    I kne be an ordinary old me sing, ories and lived in a mansion located in tisientsin, t section of ty oo far from Paima Di, Racereet, o little s sold only one kind of tea, or only fabric, or only soap.

    t; u tsing liked foreign t yle cloto display tside.

    And even till amazed at w I saw.

    t of tone gate, rounded at top, o step over. ites I sayard and I -smelling cassia trees, no garden pavilions, no bencting by a pond, no tubs of fisead, to eacains. And as  closer to t in tern style. It ories ar and stone, al balconies on eac every corner.

    and greeted my motc;Oaitai, youve already arrived! ; to fuss over my mot t amount. Saitai, title of ife, as if my mot he only wife.

    Yan Co ots to take our luggage, called anot to bring tea and draily explained t Second ife old everyone not to expect us for anot least. quot; a so greet you! Second ife, to Peking to visit ives. Your daugty, your same look. S ife, ers…gone on a pilgrimage to anot temple…Last  a little crazy, came to visit, turned out not to be a cousin, not an uncle, w;

    As soon as o t big  oo many to see: a curved staircase t ing and turning into one room to my rig iff teakure: sofas and tables and c to more rooms, more furniture, to my left ting room, ture: dark green leatings ing dogs, armc people, and Yan C;t. t one, s ter of cooks akes care of t;

    And taircase. e came to top of tairs and I found myself in anotting room. e o t, doepped into anot;t; Yan Cold me proudly. quot;t;

    And t t first,  bed. It  time: soft rose silk and s  eac dangled large silk ties ains. t on four squat lions pa of it o use a small step stool to climb onto tumbled onto to discover a soft mattress t en times thickness of my bed in Ningpo.

    Sitting in t led to a balcony. In front of table of t too sat on carved lions legs and ea and s cakes on table and was now ligove for burning coal.

    It  t my uncles ually quite o-do. But tientsin  to myself, My uncle sing.

    artled by a sudden clang! clang! clang! folloe t and bears carved into it. t open and a tiny room full of people . ted cap seated at a table. o drink soup, but  and stop e scarf and blue dress anding next to table and so give t to t and s jacket. Sill  in my er these many years—ni-ah! nah! nah! nah! nah-ni-nah!

    to see, but after I  t first , and travagant nuisance. I could not sleep for many niger, I found I y: to not listen to someto me.

    I able bed, t my uncles tle brot most of my ts fleo all to see and do in this house.

    I c er pouring out of pipes not just in tc also into  flus servants o empty to First ife and to no one. quot;ts,quot; said Yan Chang.

    On ts, said Yan Co a cabinet t  es.

    t o remember everyt  oo many good ter a   a novelty. quot;O; I said  meats as t;Ive tasted t;

    My moto regain  nature. S s noe mourning bands se ttoms. During ted to strange and funny t, Broo do, alked about ts: atoes on top of t to enjoy t nigell me stories as I lay in her arms falling asleep.

    If I look upon my ime able:  I remember clearly  became no longer comfortable.

    It er  at a table cance, ss, and t the ball and ran off barking in high happy voices.

    My motation. So to. t aking luggage out of one ricks.

    All ts croorcar, looking at tal, admiring tained  seats. t stepped a young girl. S o be only a fe sockings, and  my oains and I felt ashamed.

    And ts reaco t of torcar and a man ed by botsing.  tall, but puffed out like a bird. ril. ern suit jacket  t closed too tigomac s o vieoing as ted aking . o t,  everyone o  remark to anot;Fift bring any of s, only a  nurse.quot;

    I looked up at tc t u tsing aken ually just an aftert, a foolis of decoration for orcar.

    My mot jealous of t love u tsing. A girl in C marry for love. Sion, and my motion, I later learned, .

    After u tsing and Fiften stayed in ernoon, s rides in ty, searc of silk in a color s seem to name.  name it.

    And so, . You may  myself. I can remember only able I felt, rutomacerrible o ell you, it  as bad as  some fifteen years later ed to fall and, listening in tance, I could  rumbles and kne oppable.

    A feer u tsing . My motly.

    quot;An-mei, be a good girl,quot; sired voice. quot;Go to Yan C;

    I rubbed my eyes and as I a sing.

    quot;Be quiet. Notter. Go to Yan C; my mother whispered.

    And ted me doo to sing and u tsings deep voice complaining of t to Yan C ed me and knew I would be crying.

    t morning I could not look at my mot I sa Fift breakfast t morning, in front of everybody, ed o a servant for serving ared at icizing a servant t sing to cry. But later t morning, Fifth ife was smiling again, prancing around in a new dress and new shoes.

    In ternoon, my mot time. e ore to find embroidery t;Do you see ; s;Do you see ion?

    makes mudbrick tiles. And at nigo me, smelling of ;

    S;You can see no not forget. I  ai, t alai!quot;

    Sefully I s sounded like t means quot;die.quot; And I remembered Popo once telling me four is a very unlucky number because if you say it in an angry  al wrong.

    t became cs returned o tientsin. tion o be sent to tation, but of course t  enougo carry torcar came a dozen or so rickss folloo pour out of torcar.

    My motanding beo greet everybody. A hree girls, one of whom was my age, followed behind.

    quot;ters,quot; said my mother.

    t speak. But I continued to stare. teeterpillar. to carry one of her packages.

    I felt my motiffen on my s;And t you to call ; she whispered.

    I sa and dark estern clottle boy  rosy co be two years old.

    quot;tlest brot; my mot of ttle finger around Second ifes long pearl necklace. I  and to give instructions to till crowded around her.

    And toep. Sared, as if sted my , graceful movement of rand and put it around my neck.

    t beautiful piece of jeern style, a long strand, eacical pinkisone, e silver to clasp together.

    My motely protested: quot;too muc. S.quot;

    But Second ife simply said to me: quot;Sucty girl needs someto put t on ;

    I could see by t t s like Second ife. I o be careful  to let my mot I  Second ife his special favor.

    quot;t; I said to Second ife. And I o avoid s still I could not help smiling.

    ea in er t afternoon, I knew she was angry.

    quot;Be careful, An-mei,quot; s; you  genuine. Srying to trick you, so you ;

    I sat quietly, trying not to listen to my mot pers. I  listen to her.

    quot;Give to me,quot; she said suddenly.

    I looked at  moving.

    quot;You do not believe me, so you must give me t let ;

    And  move, sood up and ed t necklace off. And before I could cry to stop  tepped on it.  it on table, I saw w s  boug and mind now had one bead of crushed glass.

    Later s broken bead and knotted togetold me to  is to lose myself to someter I o learn t me take turned to me: quot;Norue?quot; And I nodded.

    S somet s center so pure t I never ceased to look at t ring h wonder.

    Before t ife returned from Peking,  ife o  ife om.

    But First ife turned out to be a living g, no t to Second ife,  intact. First ife looked quite ancient and frail , yle padded jacket and pants, and plain, lined face. But no I remember  not oo old, maybe u tsings age, so sy.

    First ife, I t sed as if s see me. S see u tsing. S see my mot sers beyond t least ty-five. And s in time to scold ting on a table leg.

    quot; ife sometimes see and sometimes not see?quot; I asked Yan C as she.

    quot;First ife says s is Buddion,quot; said Yan C;So most faults.quot;

    Yan C First ife co be blind to tsing yandi, ual marriage arranged by a matcs, and protected by ts of tors. But after t year of marriage, First ife o a girl oo s. And tune led First ife to begin a trek to Budd temples, to offer alms and tailored silk goo Buddo lengters leg. As it ead to bless First ife er, t legs, but—alas!—ea stain splasune, First ife began to go on so many pilgrimages to tsinan, just a rain ride to t u tsing bougo manage  and test monturned to tientsin to pay s and suffer sigime surned, sting all day like a Buddalking softly to  come doairs for meals. Instead sed or ate vegetarian meals in sing  in ea for   bot night.

    t of a  in fact s ideas into oo o deserve  in tsinan, but one to t, in little Petaiiful seaside resort filled erraces and gardens and hy widows.

    quot;e are going to live in a ; sold me  turquoise color of kingfis;t be as big as t  s. u tsing ;

    During t er monts and c dare go outside. Yan C my skin o a ts al everyday sigooops of stores al tell, ty hick cover of snow.

    So every day ayed in to amuse ourselves. My mot foreign magazines and clipped out pictures of dresses s doairs to discuss ailor erials available.

    I did not like to play ers,  looking out tcead, Yan Ced cnuts on top of ttle coal stove. And burning our fingers  nuggets, urally started to giggle and gossip. to play. Yan Cended to sing badly in tyle and  loud, remembering erday evening, accompanying ringed lute and making many mistakes. So suffer tertainment, until u tsing declared it old me a story about Second ife.

    quot;ty years ago, sung sing-song girl, a , especially among married men eaty, sress. Sruments, sing ancient tales breaking clarity, and touco iny feet in just t manner.

    quot;u tsing o be  for love, but because of tige of oed. And ter s ed to become his concubine.

    quot;From tart, Second ife knerol u tsings money. S t s. And everybody kno suicide is to come back as a g and scatter tea leaves and good fortune. So ell u tsing ser, Second ife  she had asked.

    quot;Send-suicides, s began to suspect so eat ting ent enougter room in te rickss, a sum for buying blessings at temples.

    quot;But one t sing o ral rites and tee ual eternity. So before u tsing could complain about Second ifes lack of sons, sable to bear your sons. By ure, you can see se true. As you can see, te ugly. S even .

    quot;ted to Second ife for arranging t over management of t need to lift a finger, ss, sed relatives on festival days. S nurses for eacers tsing. And later, ient for a son and began to spend too muceaies, Second ife arranged it so t your motsings t;

    Yan Cory in sucural and lively  I applauded inued to crack cnuts open, until I could no longer remain quiet.

    quot; did Second ife do so my motsing?quot; I asked timidly.

    quot;A little c understand suc; she scolded.

    I immediately looked do, until Yan Cless again to  afternoon.

    quot;Your mot; said Yan Calking to ;is too good for t;

    quot;Five years ago—your fat to o visit t Lake. Your fated sced to tues of Buddoo observe t s, and speeco refrain from giving opinions, and to s to cross t opposite a man and a sing and Second ife.

    quot;u tsing must y immediately. Back to , iful! But because ss. S remarry.

    quot;But t stop Second ife from tired of c tea  five more  u tsings outside appetite. So ssing to lure your moto his bed.

    quot;Sted  so go to tery of ts Retreat t day. And Second ife s t place as er more friendly talk, sed your moto dinner. Your motion sed. And after to your mot doesnt matter if you play badly. e are only t play at all unless you omorro.

    quot;t niger a long evening of maed my mot. Stay! Stay! Dont be so polite. No, your politeness is really more inconvenient. ainly big enougwo.

    quot;As your mot soundly in Second ifes bed, Second ife got up in t and left tsing took o find oucs, s of bed.   on  and told o undress. Your mot scream or cry when he fell on her.

    quot;In t in a ricksears streaming do me o many people about ted u tsing into bed. hless widow accuse a rich woman of lying?

    quot;So o be o bear  citute. And o oimes to say good-bye,  is il your grandmot to live in tientsin, to sings er, so a son, which Second ife claimed as her own.

    quot;And t is o live in u tsings ; concluded Yan Chang proudly.

    And t tlest brother.

    In trut Yan Celling me my motory. Secrets are kept from cop of ttle, so t boil over oo mucruth.

    After Yan Cold me tory, I saood before.

    I sarue nature.

    I sao go visit o quot;s; And of course, s alsing of Fifto be lured by hy flesh.

    I saou to First ife, bo w ifes power had been drained away.

    I sao treets. And I knew wch and happiness.

    And I saerrible pain as Second ife bounced Syaudi on elling t;As long as I am your moto o;

    And I knesings promise of a  of pretend-suicide. And my moto bring the promise back.

    I suffered so mucer Yan Cold me my motory. I ed my moto s at u tsing, to s at Second ife, to s at Yan Co tell me tories. But my mot even  to do this. She had no choice.

    t ill black outside.

    quot;Quickly!quot; sogether.

    My motly lit. As soon as I stool. o no. And noo stretc of ongue ry to make it fall out.

    quot;ake up!quot; I anding tsing, Yan Cor.

    quot;Saken too muc; cried Yan C;tor says ;

    So ting. I also ed those many hours.

    t of ted to s to ts meaningless noise be silent, but I did not.

    I ced to say t  . But I stood ting and saying nothing.

    And tory about ttle turtle,  to cry. And I ed to s to  it oo many tears. And I tried to s too fast, until finally my closed lips burst open and I cried and cried, tting everybody in tears.

    I fainted o Yan C morning, wher was dying, I was dreaming.

    I o to a pond. And I became a little turtle lying at ttom of tery place. Above me I could see te bellies. I  til I ears left and ty, everything as dry as sand.

    Yan Cer told me my motened to Second ife and tried to do pretend-suicide. False o this woman who caused her so much suffering.

    I knoened to , to no longer pretend. I kno it became a weapon?

    ten yicky s dumpling t everybody eats to celebrate. Se one after trange remark. quot;You see  eat enougterness.quot; And ter poison, not candied seeds or t. o o me t s so sronger one.

    tickiness clung to  remove ts to keep  t. A silk goe slippers est leat pearls on eacoe, to ligo nirvana.

    Seeing  time, I t scared. I knerutoo. I am strong, too.

    Because  on ter someone dies, to settle scores. In my mot day of t is ts must be paid, or disaster and misfortune will follow.

    So on t day, u tsing, fearful of my mot,  of ton mourning cloting g t o revere  ife, his only wife.

    And on t day, I s under my foot.

    And on t day, Second ifes o turn we.

    And on t day, I learned to s.

    I knoo live your life like a dream. to listen and co ry to understand w has already happened.

    You do not need a psycrist to do trist does not  you to o dream some more, to find tears into it. And really,  another bird drinking from your misery.

    My mot ried to . Ser misery and finally could not . to understand. t  speak up. t run a e.

    But noo sears or suffer taunts of magpies. I knohis news in a magazine from China.

    It said t for tormenting ts. to cs bent over in t, crying into to er tood up, tears and eat tarved.

    But one day, all tired peasants—from all over Ccing and drinking. And t;Enoug; to clap ticks on pots and pans and s, quot;Sz! Sz! Sz!quot;—Die! Die! Die!

    And all ting t above, ing for to stop. But ts only greronger, angrier. ted, unable to land, unable to eat. And tinued for many il all ttered to till, until not one bird remained in the sky.

    say if I told  I sed for joy his had happened?

 Waiting Between the Trees

    Ying-Ying St. Clair

    My daug me in tiniest of rooms in her new house.

    quot;t bedroom,quot; Lena said in her proud American way.

    I smiled. But to C bedroom is t bedroom, ell tomless pond. You tones in and to t reflect anything.

    I to myself even ter. S of  is part of mine. But ell  my past. It is to penetrate o where she can be saved.

    t slope doos  to put any babies in t I knoen. S  any babies. Soo busy dra someone else  say t s is an ugly word.

    quot;Arty-tecky,quot; I once pronounced it to my sister-in-law.

    My daugen for disrespect. But no is too late. Noo my so-so security. So times, I must pull it back into my  and keep it inside.

    good does it do to dra is useless? My daug everyt even for good-looking. Look at table. It is e marble on skinny black legs. A person must al to put a able or it  can sit on table is a tall black vase. t in. If you sable, the vase and flower will fall down.

    All around ter looks but does not see. t o pieces.  happens.

    ubborn. I oo good to listen. I ty. I iny feet ly imported calfskin stle ockings running across tone courtyard.

    I often unraveled my  loose. My mot my angles and scold me: quot;Aii-ya, Ying-ying, you are like ts at ttom of t;

    ted in living peoples o sing despair. My moto t I only giggled as sried to tuck my oo muco get angry. I was like  was wion.

    e  families in usables. On eacable igered Britistes, al amount. Not too muc too little. t for ttes. I t notole a jar and poured ttes out onto treets. e ran doo a large  reet, ted along ter. e scooped up cups of dirty er, o find a fisreasure. e found notreets.

    e

    often, I t jade jar, treasure I did not know I was holding in my hand.

    t t house.

    I een. It  my youngest aunt got married. Sired to t of her new family.

    Many of ting family members lingered at our ting around table in ting peanuts, peeling oranges, and laugoed s neher, so I called him Uncle. his face was reddened from drinking whiskey.

    quot;Ying-ying,quot; o me as ;Maybe you are still  it so?quot;

    I looked around table, smiling at everyone because of ttention given to me. I t reat from a large sack o. I ened cookies. But  a ermelon and put it on table h a loud pung.

    quot;Kai g;—Open termelon— fruit.

    ty puso eet table laug, because at t time I did not understand.

    Yes, it is true I  I . I did not kno open t ermelon. I did not understand until six monter o me t o kai gwa.

    t even today I cannot speak   after my youngest aunts o kno happened.

    Most of tives  t morning. And by ters and I ting at table, drinking tea and eating roasted ermelon seeds. My ers gossiped loudly, heir flesh in a pile.

    My ers o  as good as ours. My ers did not knoer of my fathers wife.

    quot;reat you like a servant…quot; cer upon hers choice.

    quot;A madness on ; retorted ter.

    ired of teasing one anoted to marry.

    quot;I kno; I told tily.

    It  t boys did not interest me. I knetract attention and be admired. But I oo vain to think any one boy was good enough for me.

    ts in my  ts are of t are planted s are planted by ot ermelon seeds I ing: I t of t laug before. And just table split from its stem and fell at my feet.

    trut  t   I t t  t I could kno.

    And soon I began to ioned by my fats nearing at me across from my uncles courtyard, ;See, s turn away. S;

    true enoug turn ao ink of old me my fat likely give to keep s t I fell into a marriage bed h him.

    My daug kno I o ty years before she was even born.

    S knoy ter,  and a large nose like hers.

    Even today, my skin is still smoot to , once so small and pretty! No t and flas sixteen, are noained, clouded.

    But I still see almost everyt to remember, it is like looking into a bo grains of rice you did not finish.

    ternoon on tai Lake soon after to love urned my face toe-afternoon sun. roked my c;Ying-ying, you iger eyes. t nig;

    I did not laug joy. I  like a creature to get out and ing to stay in at time. t is o love t is  so join t person against your will.

    I became a stranger to myself. I ty for  slippers on my feet, it o c I kneimes a nigo bring luck to our marital bed, in hopes of conceiving a son.

    t ed t  tle boy in my  earlobes, and slick  rose o reveal a large forehead.

    It is because I  I came to e. But even arted riger trickled doo my , rue.

    My arted to take many business trips to trips began soon after  ter t in my  t nigs, to blow  and  back my way.

    I did not kno t. It penetrates t and takes t it ble t from my youngest aunt t  me to live h an opera singer.

    Later still,  loat aunt told me of otitutes. A girl cousin younger even t mysteriously for er my husband disappeared.

    So I ell Lena of my s I y. I oo good for any one man. t I became abandoned goods. I ell  at eigtiness drained from my c I t of tell o e this man so much.

    I took t could be born. t a bad to do in Co kill a baby before it is born. But even t it errible revenge as tborn son poured from me.

    t to  like a fis in ter t kno means to not  a baby.

    er looks at me, s is because sside eyes. Siger lady. And she would have careful fear.

    I iger. It o be born, a very good year to be a tiger. t  entered tryside died like c summer day. People in ty became s into t get fatter. they died.

    t stayed in t I came from a spirit even stronger, and I lived. t my motold me rong in my ways.

    told me  s fierce . tands still s gold betrees, seeing and not being seen, ing patiently for to come. I did not learn to use my black side until after t me.

    I became like te clot o see my grief. I lost my strengt even lift my o place pins in my ed like a dead leaf on ter until I drifted out of my moto my family home.

    I  to try outside of So live ayed in try en years. If you ask me ed betrees. I ching.

    I did not reated me er of ted t  a comfort to be t is ed. Babies cra like my relatives graceless peasant guests. e all ate in tc t frying grease. And t a bo covered  looked like a living bory was.

    After ten years, I  a strange ill-married  to ty   onto treets. Everyw unknown women and no one caring.

    it fresraigs. I cut off my long  ylisired of doing noto work. I became a shopgirl.

    I did not need to learn to flatter ed to iger can make a soft prrrn-prrn noise deep s c and make even rabbits feel safe and content.

    Even tty again. t. I ter and more expensive t ore. And t tty as I.

    It  t, t I met Clifford St. Clair.  tores cyle clot t was  made me know I would marry him.

    quot;Mista Clair,quot; roduced o me.

    And t C;Like t.quot;

    I neit tractive nor unattractive. But t the black side of me would soon go away.

    Saint courted me for four years in range  ted me, soo long. From er aler  ink t can never be washed away.

    I  unkind. But oo polite.  me cs: a glass figurine, a prickly brooc glass, a silver-colored cigarette lig acted as if ts reating a poor country girl to things we had never seen in China.

    But I sa suco me, t I  even imagine.

    I aled ts graciously, alesting just enoug too little, not too muc encourage  because I kne trinkets carefully into a box,  someday o see them again.

    Lena t saved me from try village t I said I  kno Saint o  patiently for four years like a dog in front of a butcher shop.

    t I finally came out and let ing for to  until 1946.

    A letter came from tientsin, not from my family,   aunt. Even before I opened tter I kne srong spirit and ried to leave  kitchen knife.

    I t t. But norong and bitter floiness in a place I didnt knoail.

    So I decided. I decided to let Saint marry me. So easy for me. I er of my fatrembly voice. I became pale, ill, and more t myself become a  ter come to me and turn me into a tiger g. I  caused me so much pain.

    Noiger t neiting betrees. I became an unseen spirit.

    Saint took me to America, s tasks. I learned tern ried to speak ongue. I raised a daugced her American ways.

    it care. I .

    Can I tell my daug I loved  at nig I cooked. ly  trinkets I  day, ter, a tiger girl.

    love t it . Arms t encircled but did not touc  my appetite to eat it. No hunger. No fullness.

    No is a g.  tell my daug ser of a g. Sest s leaving ?

    So t I oget and look. I   cut my spirit loose. I  becomes o penetrate my daugoug iger spirit loose. S me, because ture of tigers. But I er.

    I er speaking to airs. t mean not in a room .

    I kno able craso tairs and into my room. ing betrees.

 Double face

    Lindo Jong

    My dauged to go to C now she is afraid.

    quot; if I blend in so ; averly asked me. quot; if t let me come back to ted States?quot;

    quot;o C; I told ;you dont even need to open your moutsider.quot;

    quot; are you talking about?quot; ser likes to speak back. So question w I say.

    quot;Aii-ya,quot; I said. quot;Even if you put on take off your makeup and  c belong.quot;

    My daug look pleased o be C is so fas is too late. All tried to teacil so  to scalk to people in Crain, eat, close lighink she can blend in? Only her skin and her hair are Chinese. Inside—she is all American-made.

    Its my fault sed my co  combination: American circumstances and Cer.  mix?

    I taugances ing s in line for a sco cry over t. You do not o sit like a Buddree letting pigeons drop ty business on your o keep tances somebody else gives you.

    S I couldnt teac Cer. o obey parents and listen to your mot to ss, to put your feelings beake advantage of unities.  o kno, never flas around like a c.

    No, t stick to oo busy c kind of tuck.

    quot;Finis; I told erday. quot;Dont t;

    quot;Dont be so old-fas; sold me, finis;Im my o;

    And I think, how can she be her own person? hen did I give her up?

    My daugting married a second time. So so go to y parlor,   lahis backward old Chinese woman?

    quot;Auntie An-mei can cut me,quot; I say.

    quot;Rory is famous,quot; says my daug;;

    So I sit in Mr. Rorys cil I am t . ter criticizes me as if I  t;See s flat on one side,quot; s;S and a perm. And tint in  at ;

    S Mr. Rory in t me in t really look at one anotalking. talk to tions. t otc turned to t see ts.

    quot; it?quot; asked Mr. Rory.  understand Englising hicker and longer.

    quot;Ma,  it?quot; er translating Engliss: quot;Ss a soft  it too s. Otll be too tig  it to look kinky or ;

    And no t rig too tig;

    I smile. I use my American face. ts t understand. But inside I am becoming aser and I am proud of  s proud of me.

    Mr. Rory pats my  me.  my daugo my daug really displeases ;Its uncanny ;

    I smile, time  my daug pulls itself small just before it bites. No t;as!quot;

    So my daugy parlor. S  her.

    quot;t; ss to mine and tside in to look like a starved person. Ss  to mine, side by side, and  eache mirror.

    quot;You can see your cer in your face,quot; I say to my daug t;You can see your future.quot;

    quot; do you mean?quot; she says.

    And noune, ts.

    I am seeing myself and my mother, back in China, when I was a young girl.

    My motold me my fortune, er could lead to good and bad circumstances. Sting at able anding being on  day art of ten years by my C ant birt criticize me too muc my face.

    Souc;You are lucky,quot; s;You s of meat at ttom, full of blessings. Some people are born so poor. to to t ears, but you must listen to your opportunities.quot;

    S;You  too big, so your money  be running out. traigune. S luck.quot;

    Sapped my c;Not too s, not too long. Our longevity e, not cut off too soon, not so long ;

    S;e are t; concluded my mot;Pero me. But look at my er you o ;

    Sook my curned my face to;t, eager,quot; s;t. t look do and turn te er-in-la;

    old me till so young. And even ted to look more t up and looked surprised, I ed my eye to do too ed to feel unhappy.

    I ed us: a flood t caused my family to leave me be marriage to a family t did not  me, a er, an ocean t took me to a nery. S see o droop. o  still did not lose my o follo see t I ted my nose bouncing foro co give many to God for all our blessings, but I o subtract some for my nose.

    Its o keep your C to rue self. I paid an American-raised Co show me how.

    quot;In America,quot; s;you cannot say you  to live t say you admire t say you  to be a sco teac you ;

    quot; s to learn?quot; I asked. quot;If tions, if I cannot ans;

    quot;Religion, you must say you  to study religion,quot; said t girl. quot;Americans all  ideas about religion, so t and o t you.quot;

    For anot o copy t to te Lindo Sun. Next to tE, I e May 11, 1918, er t to t doaiyuan, C to tION, I e student of theology.

    I gave t of addresses in San Francisco, people ions. And finally, tructions for cances. quot;First,quot; s;you must find a izen is best.quot;

    S;C be Cizen does not mean Caucasian. But if  a citizen, you sely do number t matter in ted States. Neitake care of you in your old age, isnt t true?quot; And h laughed.

    quot;Be careful, t; s;ties t say no. You s married, you are religious, you kno is o ;

    I must ;Look  it is not supposed to do? And once it  is an American citizen and can do anyt s. It can ask its moto stay. Isnt t true?quot;

    But t is not telling truth?

    See rutill looks.  I give to you? ell your friends t I arrived in ted States on a slo from C true. I  t poor. I took a plane. I   me aelepor. But it is true I did not take test plane. took t stopped everyime I arrived, I did not look sincerely glad to be here.

    ell people t I met your fat I broke open a fortune cookie and it said I   sincere. t true! Your fat a er, I never ate in t restaurant. t said quot;C; so only Americans  t orn do is a McDonalds restaurant  says mai dong lou—quot;; quot;east,quot; quot;building.quot; All nonsense. tracted only to C understand my real circumstances,  my Che way you are.

    ions. ties looked at my papers and stamped me in. I decided to go first to a San Francisco address given to me by t me doreet reet. I all building. t. Marys. Under tten Cers, someone ;A Co Save Gs from Spiritual Unrest 7 A.M. and 8:30 A.M.quot; I memorized tion in case ties asked me . It ed on tside of a s building: quot;Save today for tomorro Bank of America.quot; And I t to myself, t so dumb! today t c o be, noall building, fifty stories o-be work and look down on everybody.

    My daugher can make a good joke.

    So I kept , as trance to a great Buddemple. But opped acks of tile roofs, no s ried to make everyty or an emperors tomb. But if you looked on eitend-pagodas, you could see treets became narroy. I t to myself,  Cs for t tead? O cave or a C inside it uff.

    So by time I found t to expect too mucside stairs and old me riged ime ing for me all o me, keeping  after I took t it and said, quot;Syaujyequot;—Miss—quot;arve on t; So I gave ;Aii, you t is so easy getting tion?quot; So I gave h.

    itment on ason Street. It ting on top of a little store. And t, I found a terrible job paying me seventy-five cents an ried to get a job as a salesgirl, but you o knoried for anotess, but ted me to rub my  aitutes in C address out o ionson and toisricts, souto make tune and ill o t-grandchildren.

    So my mot about my ory . Big black mac pouring little pancakes onto moving round griddles. t on ools, and as ttle pancakes  by,  griddle just as turned golden. e  a strip of paper in ter, ts arms back just as it turned oo soon, you ,  doug if you grabbed too late, te t bend. And to takes in a barrel,  you because those only as scraps.

    After t day, I suffered ten red fingers. t a job for a stupid person. You o learn fast or your fingers urn into fried sausages. So t day only my eyes burned, from never taking ter t, my arms ac ready to catc just t moment. But by t  became mindless ice ained very feakes. But I suspected se te plump.

    quot;E; so me over teful to o discover  ;Did you ever termine someone elses fortune?quot; she asked.

    I didnt understand  aloud, first in Englis;Do not figy laundry in public. to tor go t; translated in C;You s fig time. If you  dirty.quot;

    I still did not kno of all evil. Look around you and dig deep.quot; And t;Money is a bad influence. You become restless and rob graves.quot;

    quot; is t; I asked ting trips of paper in my pocket, tudy these classical American sayings.

    quot;tunes,quot; s;American people te t;

    quot;But ;t make sense. t fortunes, tructions.quot;

    quot;No, Miss,quot; s;it is our bad fortune to be une to pay to get t;

    So t is  An-mei ie An-mei, noe useful in ch a husband.

    quot;E; An-mei said to me one day at our ;Come to my c a citizen, but Im sure o make one.quot; So t is   tin Jong, your fat  like my first marriage,  to marry o China.

    I kne rigonese!  s said: quot;e are not in C o marry t parts of C; See ie An-mei is from those old days.

    So , your fato speak to eacs. e  to Englisogeto eacimes taking out a piece of paper to e a Cer to s . At least o oget its o tell someones marriage intentions tle signs—teasing, ts  is serious. But alk only in teac. I see rat. I see .

    But I saing place telep kno your fat or? You didnt knoher had so much hair?

    O later  t. It  so good. Even today, no I can speak Cantonese to your fat find a better situation. But s as if  understand anything I said.

    Sometimes I o catc t in my mind. S;In tes in class. ts o trouble. You need to start trouble to get to realize entions. Ot comes to ;

    t evening An-mei and I  to une cookie papers, trying to find t instructions to give to your fatting aside ones t mig;Diamonds are a girls best friend. Dont ever settle for a pal.quot; quot;If sucs are in your s time to be ; quot;Confucius say a ell your al.quot;

    e laug I kne one  said: quot;A   at ; I did not laug.

    After sc afternoon, I put my ten my ;s t; I cried. t t to your fat;E to see take t;

    I kneure t did not e anyt in he piece of paper.

    quot; does it say?quot; I asked. I tried to act as if it did not matter. And  speak, I said, quot;translate, please.quot;

    e smout. So I o marry  instead,  ;I dont knoonigionary. tell you tomorro;

    t day ;Lindo, can you spouse me?quot; And I laug  ly. So  if tentions must also be  o get married.

    One monter  C. And nine monter your fatizenson. I named on because I liked t;on.quot; I ed to raise a son o myself, At last I ed. I er in a car accident? So young! Only sixteen!

    ter inston ,quot; to t er t you were born.

    I dont knoo c  damaged my t ed everyto be better. I ed you to  circumstances, t cer. I didnt  you to regret anyts reet ed you to t I also kneer treet, soon you ake a piece of me h you.

    Mr. Rory is brus. Everything is black.

    quot;You look great, Ma,quot; says my daug;Everyone at ter.quot;

    I look at my face in ty parlor mirror. I see my reflection. I cannot see my faults, but I knoer ts. ter, it came from my circumstances. I look at my daug is t time I .

    quot;Ai-ya!  o your nose?quot;

    S; do you mean? Not; s;Its just t;

    quot;But  it crooked?quot; I ask. One side of .

    quot; do you mean?quot; s;Its your nose. You gave me t;

    quot; be? Its drooping. You must get plastic surgery and correct it.quot;

    But my daugs  to my ;Dont be silly. Our nose isnt so bad,quot; s;It makes us look devious.quot; She looks pleased.

    quot; is t; I ask.

    quot;It means  our intentions are different.quot;

    quot;People can see t;

    My daug;ell, not everyt  kno;

    quot;t;

    quot;t .quot;

    I t our t my intentions. ter? If you s alher.

    It is like o C year, after I  been t forty years. I aken off my fancy je  still, t one  Cill charged me high foreign prices.

    So no did I lose?  did I get back in return? I will ask my daug shinks.

    Double face   Up

    A Pair of tickets

    Jing-Mei oo

    te our train leaves ters S. I can feel tingling, my blood rus. I am becoming Chinese.

    quot;Cannot be ; my moteen and  I soever beloudied at a famous nursing sc genetics. So t in : Once you are born C  feel and think Chinese.

    quot;Someday you ; said my mot;It is in your blood, ing to be let go.quot;

    And ant tag of DNA suddenly triggered, replicating itself insidiously into a syndrome, a cluster of telltale Co embarrass me—ore oo t t lemon yello good combinations for er clothes.

    But today I realize Ive never really kno means to be Cy-six years old. My motrain, carrying o China.

    e are first going to Guangzy-t ,  kno of seeing  or if its because  noo button er and pat ting across from eaced by a little table ea. For t time I can ever remember, my fatears in  train ioned field of yelloracks, lo on tober morning. And I cant y eyes, as if I ime ago, and  forgotten.

    In less tells me is o Canton t seems all ties I  Ser  in Guangzco S my t time.

    ttle babies so abandon on a road as s old me about ters, so tting on tening to bombs ance  red thumbs.

    And it  someone found te ter came from So my mot  t tical sisters transforming from little babies into six-year-old girls. In my mind, ted next to eac a table, taking turns ain pen. One e a neat ro Mama. e are alive. Ser te:Come get us. Please hurry.

    Of course t kno my mot. One minute salking to my fat tenants upstairs, sco evict tense t relatives from C minute s, groping for tly to ttering hands.

    So my fat one to open tter, a long letter it turned out. And true mot a framed picture of old  time my mot sao whey were finally found.

    And tter  so mucers calling my mot ter to my motie Lindo and asked o e back and tell my sisters, in tlest  my mother was dead.

    But instead Auntie Lindo took tter to tie Ying and Auntie An-mei ragedy, of losing my mot  ther could fulfill her dream.

    So t te to my sisters in S;Dearest Daugoo ten you in my memory or in my . I never gave up   to tell you everyt my life since I last sa to tell you to see you in C; t hers name.

    It  until all t t told me about my sisters, tter te back.

    quot;t; I murmured. And I ers noen or eleven, jumping up and doed t ther was dead.

    quot; coming in a letter?quot; said Auntie Lindo. quot;S be to tell t; And I t s.

    But tarted dreaming, too, of my moters and  o be found, I  ers at t. tanding on tiptoes, looking anxiously, scanning from one dark o anot off tantly, tical worried look.

    quot;Jyejye, Jyejye. Sister, Sister. e are ; I saw myself saying in my poor version of Chinese.

    quot;; till smiling, to stand be a bit, to tease a little and make peoples patience pull a little on ts. I ers s hiding.

    quot;O must be Mama, no?quot; one of my sisters ing to anotely engulfed in a tos. And t, too, ains of gifts, food, and toys for c on sale—ss er turning to sers, quot;Calvin Klein, 100% ;

    I imagined myself starting to say, quot;Sisters, I am sorry, I ; and before I could tell t in my face—ted in pain, as tting back on the plane and coming home.

    After I imes—curn from o anger—I begged Auntie Lindo to e anotter. And at first she refused.

    quot; e t; said Auntie Lindo ubborn look.

    quot;But its cruel to ; I said. quot;s just me, te me.quot;

    quot;e you? Cannot be.quot; S;You are ter, t;

    quot;You dont understand,quot; I protested.

    quot; I dont understand?quot; she said.

    And I  s appreciate ;

    And Auntie Lindo looked satisfied and sad at time, as if true and I . S doter. Sears in  tten t  to read it.

    quot;t; I whispered.

    t cement buildings, old factories, and tracks and more tracks filled rains like ours passing by in te direction. I see platforms croern clots of brigtle cops and pants t stop mid-calf. e are in Guangzhou.

    Before train even comes to a stop, people are bringing dos. For a moment tcases laden s to relatives, ring to keep tents from spilling out, plastic bags filled ables and packages of dried mus in a stream of people rusil ing to go toms. I feel as if I ting on tockton bus in San Francisco. I am in C bot feels rigart pusoo.

    I take out tion forms and my passport. quot;oo,quot; it says at top, and belo, quot;June May,quot; ; in 1951. I oms people ion ure, my c back and artfully styled. I am ed t in October. And noo dark circles and everyt like layers of grease. So today my face is plain, unadorned except for a t of s on my forehead and nose.

    Even  makeup, I could never pass for true Cand five-foot-six, and my  I am eye level only ourists. My motold me my  came from my grandfat;t your grandmotold me,quot; explained my mot;But no is too late to ask s, your uncles, and tions in one instant.quot;

    Ster-of-factly t I t sten over any grief shey were all dead.

    quot;Maybe t t; I suggested.

    quot;No,quot; said my mot;Our  you and I.quot;

    quot;But ;

    quot;Cannot be,quot; said my motime almost angrily. And to talk as if srying to remember  back to t  looking up to   a  t, ories of burnt bricks and o to to sleep in, really just a metal frame ted up at one corner. And a book, I dont knoeacup tle girl, I  doll, seeing it all alone in tore  it for me. It  could turn its legs and arms. t my family o my youngest niece, because s doll   doll, s ing togets ;

    toms bootares at my documents, t me briefly, and s stamps everyternly nods me along. And soon my fatcases. I feel lost and my father looks helpless.

    quot;Excuse me,quot; I say to a man ell me axi?quot;  sounds Swedisch.

    quot;Syau Yen! Syau Yen!quot; I  from be beret is ic bag filled rinkets. I guess srying to sell us somet my fataring do tiny sparroing into tle boy.

    quot;Aiyi! Aiyi!quot;—Auntie Auntie!—ly.

    quot;Syau Yen!quot; coos my great-aunt. I ts funny s called my fat;Little ild Goose.quot; It must be o discourage gs from stealing children.

    t aking turns saying, quot;Look at you! You are so old. Look ; t time, and I bite my lip, trying not to cry. Im afraid to feel t our arrival in Somorrow,  will feel.

    Nos to a Polaroid picture of my fat pictures one as sure to my fatter, my fatel once  to meet us. I ers  t.

    It is only t I remember t to take a picture of my fat t t. Its not too late.

    quot;and toget; I say, . Aiyi and my fatill stand close togeture, co form. t reverentially quiet. Aiyi is only five years older ty-seven. But s, se, eetories of Co myself.

    Noo me: quot;Jandale.quot; So big already. S me, at my full , and to ic bag—s to us, I —as if s so me, no I am so old and big. And turns me around. A man and ies are s;A; t son and anding next to ttle girl roductions go by so fast, all I kno one of ter, tle girl is Lili, Aiyis great-granddaughter.

    Aiyi and my fat from t t of tonese of tand only Mandarin but cant speak it t rained in Mandarin, exc people from top only occasionally to talk to t of us, sometimes in Cantonese, sometimes in English.

    quot;O is as I suspected,quot; says my faturning to me. quot; summer.quot; And I already understood t dont knoions and translators had run amok.

    quot;; I say to ttle girl. quot;My name is Jing-mei.quot; But ttle girl squirms to look ao laug. I try to tonese o uff I learned from friends in Co all I can terms for bodily functions, and s p;tastes good,quot; quot;tastes like garbage,quot; and quot;s; And tely jumps for , and flasootake ture sanding next to me, jumping and giggling every few seconds as sche greenish film.

    By time o tel, Lili is igo my hand, pulling me along.

    In taxi, Aiyi talks nonstop, so I o ask  t sights we are passing by.

    quot;You e and said you ; says Aiyi to my fatated tone. quot;One day! oiso call us welep;

    My  races a little. I ie Lindo told my sisters el in Shanghai?

    Aiyi continues to scold my fat;I  turned rying to t o take toiso Guangz you rigart.quot;

    And norucks and buses, antly. e seem to be on some sort of long freey. I can see roer roments, eactered  to dry on tig t must be doo looks like a major American city, ruction going on every of ty, I see scores of little sers and ss front laced ogetic strips. Men and anding on narroforms, scraping t safety straps or s. Ohink.

    Aiyis s;So it is a s see our village, our e successful, selling our vegetables in t. e  feo build a big ories, all of neer. You Americans arent to get ric;

    taxi stops and I assume  t at t Regency. quot;t C; I  loud. And to;t be tel.quot; I quickly pull out our itinerary, travel tickets, and reservations. I ly instructed my travel agent to cy-to-forty-dollar range. Im sure of t says on our itinerary: Garden el, ravel agent ter be prepared to eat tra, ts all I o say.

    tel is magnificent. A bellboy complete o carry our bags into tel looks like an orgy of saurants all encased in granite and glass. And rat t must give Aiyi, t  our luxuries even for one night.

    But o tion desk, ready to ake, it is confirmed. Our rooms are prepaid, ty-four dollars eaced by our temporary surroundings. Lili is looking  an arcade filled h video games.

    Our or, and t us on teentor door ss, everybody becomes very quiet, and  once in w sounds like relieved voices. I or ride.

    Our rooms are next to eacical. taupe. television e-control panels built into table bet-in  bar or stocked tles of Jos of M amp; Ms, ed case bars. And again I say out loud, quot;t C;

    My fato my room. quot;t stay ,quot; ;trouble t ime to talk.quot;

    quot; about dinner?quot; I ask. I  real C for many days already, a big banquet eaming out of a carved er melon, che works.

    My fat to a travel amp; Leisure magazine. s to t;t t,quot; says my father.

    So its decided. e are going to dine tonigh our family, sharing hamburgers, french fries, and apple pie ?la mode.

    Aiyi and er a  ride on train, Im eager for a shes.

    tel tle packets of sency and color of , I this is China. And I rub some in my damp hair.

    Standing in t time Ive been by myself in  instead of feeling relieved, I feel forlorn. I t  activating my genes and becoming C s.

    Riger my mot of t couldnt be anso force myself to grieve more. It seemed as if I ed to sustain my grief, to assure myself t I had cared deeply enough.

    But noions mostly because I  to kno  pork stuff so make t exture of sa?

    all t ers? All times  me,  t I ?

    At one oclock in to tapping sounds on t self. Im sitting on t one of t to me. too, spra on ted at a little table, looking very sleepy. And my fataring out tapping  time I listened my fatelling Aiyi about  saer got a post  my moter fled togeto So try to find my mot traveled eventually to Canton and to o San Francisco….

    quot;Suyuan didnt tell me srying all to find ers,quot;  voice. quot;Naturally, I did not discuss ers  s t;

    quot;; asks Aiyi. quot;;

    I am s of tory from my mothers friends.

    quot;It ook over K; says my father.

    quot;Japanese in K; says Aiyi. quot;t  be. to K;

    quot;Yes, t is ed. I kno time. tang often told us  say. But o Kon railal.quot;

    Aiyi looks astonis;If people did not kno;

    quot;An officer of tang secretly ;Suyuans  officers and t to be killed. So s, sers and fled on foot. t even one year old.quot;

    quot;; sig;then she yawns again.

    quot; ; sen carefully. I  t;Sisterquot; to address t no to knoheir names.

    quot;t; says my fat;And t;

    quot; do t; I ask.

    quot;A; My faters on t;One means Spring Rain, t; ;because t, dont you t;

    I nod my oo. But it falls forays thing deeply, noisily. She is asleep.

    quot;And ; I whisper.

    quot; Suyuan, quot; ing more invisible cers on t;te it in C mean Long-Ce a fancy name, not so ordinary like flo cer, it mean sometten. But to e Suyuan. Sound exactly t te.quot; es trokes of anoter. quot;t part look tten. But t part add to first part make t angry ell ;

    My fat me, moist-eyed. quot;See, I pretty clever, too, ;

    I nod,  ;And  my name,quot; I ask, quot;;

    quot;Your name also special,quot;  somet;Jing like excellent jing. Not just good, its sometial, t quality. Jing is good leftover stuff ies out of somet. So —just pure essence. And Mei, ter. quot;

    I t ter ed my mot iny Aiyi stirs suddenly, o ansion. Ss in ucking o the chair.

    quot;So o knooo.

    quot;Long time I ; says my fat;But t letter from ers in Salk to Auntie Lindo, all t s;

    quot; ;

    quot;Your mot; begins my father.

    quot;No, tell me in C; I interrupt. quot;Really, I can understand.quot;

    o talk, still standing at to t.

    After fleeing Krying to find a main road.  o catcruck or o catcil sationed.

    So t, to barter rides all t, I  o trade t and jade ring. ther.

    By traded notrucks. trucks ruso stop. So your motart of dysentery pains in omach.

    ers grecases. And ters burst and began to bleed. After a cases beer s flour and rice and kept o tle girls, until sh pain and fever.

    Finally, t one more step left in  rengto carry to t, from starvation, or from t behind her.

    Sook t of t t to t. ting to be picked up again. And t bear to ch her.

    S going by. quot;take my babies, I beg you,quot; so t tared back y eyes and never stopped.

    S again. time a man turned around, and errible expression—your mot looked like deatself—she shivered and looked away.

    , sore open tuffed je of one baby and money under to  and dre tos of ure of ure of e on t;Please care for t is safe to come, if you bring to So give you a generous reward. Li Suyuan and ang Fuc;

    And toucold  to cry. So find t looking back, sumbling and crying, t  ers hing else.

    S remember ion s, o scream, to Budd  t of an American missionary lady bent over alking to  understand. And yet sand. S oo late to go back and save her babies.

    er sold o come so far, to lose so muco find nothing.

    I met al. S, o move, ery , my missing toe, o herself, mumbling.

    quot;Look at t; sime. It in, quite dirty, but t it iful dress.

    quot;Look at t; sy face and ;Do you see my foolis;

    quot;I t I  everyt t; s;And I ;

    quot;But no soil.

    It  ; t er told your sisters ting obediently near tle fairy queens ing for to arrive.

    tone cave. t in and around K t ter t of t on times t tragedy to leave beook back to tely painted set of rice botle footstool  cuss. And once, it ers.

    ter in ts like tures, knoe. It  until many monter t Mei Cing on these baby girls like her own.

    In 1952 Mei ime to find your sisters true family.

    Sure of told to a great family and sake to see true mots. Mei Cold t t s. Sed to  titled to—a better life, a fine ed  ay on as tain t.

    Of course, ely different. It e of a factory building, recently constructed, and none of t  spot.

    Mei C  your moturned to t same place in 1945 in ers.

    Your motayed in Cil 1947. e  to many different cities—back to Ko C of one corner of tle girls. Later  to  in 1949 for ted States, I t. But  t, At last, t.

    ters could be openly excates, se immediately to old friends in S knoold me. But of course, by treet names  took many years to find a contact. And e asking o look for ers, e back and said ttom of ters ill alive?

    So e did not look. Finding babies lost during tter of foolision, and sime for t.

    But every year, your mote to different people. And t year, I t a big idea in o go to Cold me, quot;Canning, oo late, before oo old.quot; And I told oo old, it oo late.

    I just t sed to be a tourist! I didnt knoo go and look for ers. So oo late, t must  a terrible t in  ers migy gre killed her.

    Maybe it  o find ers. Because after your mote saers, by c tment Store on Nanjing Dong Road. S oget t reminded te of your mother.

    So t recognize at first, because Mei C your moted. quot;Are you not ang C; sed, because tten on to, a po of a young man and ill  parents, ill roaming them.

    At t, I am exed. I could not sleep last nigo my room at tantly fell asleep on one of t of a lumberjack. I lay a my motory, realizing   my sisters and I  her.

    And no t, after s all t o some at airports, knoory and saying good-bye before I o knoer.

    Aiyi smiles at me as  for our gate to be called. S one arm around  seems. And ts time. As ime and enter ting area, I get to anotcickets to Swo here.

    takes off. I close my eyes. o t our mothers life? here should I begin?

    quot;ake up,  pounding in my t. I look out ts gray outside.

    And noeps of to tarmac and too be to even feel my feet. I am just moving somehow.

    Somebody ss, quot;S; And t  same look on  errible ordeal and were  is over.

    And I knos not my mot it is ternoon, for sucime, t s and lauging to make sure it rue.

    And no t beyond te, oions and expectations forgotten.

    quot;Mama, Mama,quot; we all murmur, as if she is among us.

    My sisters look at me, proudly. quot;Meimei jandale,quot; says one sister proudly to t;Little Sister ; I look at trace of my mot till look familiar. And no of me is C is so obvious. It is my family. It is in our blood. After all t can finally be let go.

    My sisters and I stand, arms around eacears from eac. My sisters and I cly togeto see w develops.

    to t colors of our t once. And alt speak, I kno: togeto see, at last, her long-cherished wish.