¡¶Coming up for Air¡·


 PART ¢ñ-1

    to me t my neeeth.

    I remember t about a quarter to eig of bed and got into t in time to s t. It ly January morning, y yellotle square of baten yards by five of grass,   and a bare patc s, and same grass, beche middle.

    I rying to siser ran into t me out of tumbler of er on ttle seet belonged in t emporary set t arner, my dentist, o  go ter-coloured  my teet look my age, wy-five.

    Making a mental note to buy razor-blades, I got into tarted soaping. I soaped my arms (I¡¯ve got t are freckled up to took t reac¡¯s a nuisance, but ts of my body t I can¡¯t reacrut I¡¯m inclined to be a little bit on t side. I don¡¯t mean t I¡¯m like somet a fair. My one, and last time I measured round my  it y-eigy-nine, I forget ingly¡¯ fat, I  got one of t sag o t¡¯s merely t I¡¯m a little bit broad in tendency to be barrel-sive, y kind of fat man, tic bouncing type t¡¯s nicknamed Fatty or tubby and is aly? I¡¯m t type. ¡®Fatty¡¯ tly call me. Fatty Bowling. George Bowling is my real name.

    But at t moment I didn¡¯t feel like ty. And it struck me t no  eeter in tumbler, and t me like teet gives you a rotten feeling to , a sort of pincten into a sour apple. Besides, say eet natural tootime  an end. And I  as y-five. As I stood up to soap my crutc my figure. It¡¯s all rot about fat men being unable to see t, but it¡¯s a fact t  me again, unless so. Not t at t moment I particularly ed any o look t me.

    But it struck me t t to ter mood. to begin  oday. trict (I ougo tell you t I¡¯m in t to look in at to drop some papers, I aking to go and fetceet  of my mind for some time past. t I een quid  is. It  rology applied to  it¡¯s all a question of influence of ts on te outsider, but  seemed  ts t o be in t. Mellors, rology business, ting several quid on t doo do to s en bob, t bet as a general rule. Sure enoug t odds, but my s at seventeen quid. By a kind of instinct¡ªrating anot quietly put to anybody. I¡¯d never done anyt it on a dress for ¡¯s my s for t I¡¯d been a good een years and I o get fed up .

    After I¡¯d soaped myself all over I felt better and lay doo t my seventeen quid and o spend it on. ternatives, it seemed to me,  quietly aurned on some more  er and  eps t lead to t  mug. tic stamping outside and then a yell of agony.

    ¡®Dadda! I wanna come in!¡¯

    ¡®ell, you can¡¯t. Clear out!¡¯

    ¡®But dadda! I wanna go somewhere!¡¯

    ¡®Go somew. I¡¯m h.¡¯

    ¡®Dad-DA! I wanna GO SOME¡ªhERE!¡¯

    No use! I kne  partially dry as quickly as I could. As I opened ttle Billy¡ªmy youngest, aged seven¡ªs past me, dodging t   I discovered t my neck ill soapy.

    It¡¯s a rotten to  gives you a disgusting sticky feeling, and t,  aicky for t of t doairs in a bad temper and ready to make myself disagreeable.

    Our dining-room, like ttle place, fourteen feet by t¡¯s ten, and ty decanters and tand t , doesn¡¯t leave muceapot, in ate of alarm and dismay because t tter  lig it ly cold. I bent do a matco t to tle sidelong glance t sravagant.

    y-nine, and  s very tual brooding,  a trick of , like an old gypsy  of foreseeing disasters. Only petty disasters, of course. As for ions, stention to tter is going up, and ts are , and talment due on t¡¯s any. Ss e pleasure out of rocking o and fro , and glooming at me, ¡®But, George, it¡¯s very SERIOUS! I don¡¯t knoo DO! I don¡¯t knoo realize  IS!¡¯ and so on and so fort¡¯s fixed firmly in   to t mind it a quarter as muc sy.

    tairs already,  ligo keep anyone else out of t to t table t o tune of ¡®Yes, you did!¡¯ ¡®No, I didn¡¯t!¡¯ ¡®Yes, you did!¡¯ ¡®No, I didn¡¯t!¡¯ and looked like going on for t of til I told to c. t¡¯s a peculiar feeling t I o deal of time I can ick t of tion, it¡¯s just unbearable. t t dreary bread-and-butter age op marks in Frenc otimes, especially  feeling. Sometimes I¡¯ve stood over ts, on summer evenings ¡¯s given me t feeling you read about in t says your bo sucimes I feel t I¡¯m just a kind of dried-up seed-pod t doesn¡¯t matter t my sole importance o bring tures into t t¡¯s only at moments. Most of time my separate existence looks pretty important to me, I feel t t and plenty of good times aion of myself as a kind of tame dairy-co of o c appeal to me.

    e didn¡¯t talk muc breakfast.  knoo DO!¡¯ mood, partly oo tter and partly because tmas ill five pounds o term. I ate my boiled egg and spread a piece of bread  in buying tuff. It¡¯s fivepence-ells you, in t print t it contains ¡®a certain proportion of neutral fruit-juice¡¯. tarted me off, in tating alking about neutral fruit-trees,  countries til finally  angry. It¡¯s not t s¡¯s only t in some obscure o make jokes about anything you save money on.

    I  t t mucing-room, and King Zog¡¯s  about ten o¡¯clock, ratended, I started out for too play in t ly raepped out of t door a nasty little gust of  fit and t I icky all over.

 PART ¢ñ-2

    Do you kno Bletc, you knoy otly like it.

    You knos fester all over ter suburbs. Altle semi-detaco 212 and ours is 191¡ªas mucucco front, ted gate, t  door. tles, t pery some anti-social type ead of green.

    t sticky feeling round my neck  me into a demoralized kind of mood. It¡¯s curious  gets you doo icky neck. It seems to take all t of you, like  myself t morning. It  as if I could stand at a distance and c, red face and my false teetleman. Even if you sa tely¡ªnot, per I  t I out or salesman. tically tribe. Grey , a bit t costing fifty s, and no gloves. And I¡¯ve got t¡¯s peculiar to people  moments,  or outing vacuum cleaners, but at ordinary times you¡¯d place me correctly. ¡®Five to ten quid a  at the average level of Ellesmere Road.

    I reet pretty muco myself. to catcoves. ime to look about you, and  mood, it¡¯s a t makes you laugo reets in ter suburbs and to t go on ter all,  a prison acorture-ctle five-to-ten- pound-a-ing ail and mare and t of rot talked about t so sorry for t t   in every one of ttle stucco boxes tard   ttom of a  him.

    Of course, trouble o myself, is t  someto lose. to begin ent ter surrounding it, until you get to treet, is part of a  called tate, ty of t Building Society. Building societies are probably t racket of modern times. My o, but it¡¯s an open sable. But ty of ty s your victims times to ate surmounted by an enormous statue to ties. It  of god. Among ot op or and ttom   do ts coming out of t of eetters, and concrete garden rollers.

    As a matter of fact, in Ellesmere Road  oy, payable over a period of sixteen years, and t t round about ty. t represents a profit of a y for t, but needless to say t C makes a lot more out of it t. ty includes t, but t, under tself and scoops t. All it o pay for is terials. But it also scoops t on terials, because under tterby it sells itself tiles, doors, , and, I t  altogeto learn t under yet anot sells itself timber to make t  gave us all a knock  doesn¡¯t alo its end of t it gave on some open fields¡ªnot good for to play in¡ª knot¡¯s Meadoe, but it ood t Platt¡¯s Meado to be built on.  Bletcory eel Bicycle factory started in ¡®33, and tion s  in t in my mind¡¯s eye I could see tering. Suddenly to go up on Platt¡¯s Meadoenants¡¯ defence association  up. No use! Crum¡¯s la of us in five minutes, and Platt¡¯s Meado over. But tle s makes me feel old Crum deserved cy, is tal one. Merely because of t ake in try¡¯, urned into Crum¡¯s devoted slaves for ever. e¡¯re all respectable ¡¯s to say tories, yes-men, and bumsuckers. Daren¡¯t kill t lays t t actually   en up ly fear t somet  payment, merely increases t. e¡¯re all boug¡¯s more ards, sing s out to pay t¡¯s called Belle Vue because t ring¡ªevery one of ttle to save ry from Bolshevism.

    I turned do into treet. train to London at 10.14. I  passing tal note I¡¯d made t morning to buy a packet of razor-blades.  to ter tever itle is,  many people in t t imes if you go in just after opening-time you see all t to get to trim for tores  from branco branco ginger ttle devil, under-sized, ac pounced on  sometake in tly, and was going for h a voice like a circular saw.

    ¡® count it! COURSE you couldn¡¯t. too mucrouble, t¡¯d be. ho, no!¡¯

    Before I could stop myself I¡¯d caug  so nice for o  middle-aged bloke ook urned aended to be interested in some stuff at t counter, curtain rings or someto urn a back at you, like a dragon-fly.

    ¡®COURSE you couldn¡¯t count it! Doesn¡¯t matter to YOU if . Doesn¡¯t matter at all. ¡¯s to YOU? Couldn¡¯t ask YOU to go to trouble of counting it properly. ters ¡®ere ¡®cept YOUR convenience. You don¡¯t t others, do you?¡¯

    t on for about five minutes in a voice you could  turning ao make ing back to  fart t eig,  of moony face, t  t any  tting into  ters ending not to iff-built little devil, t of cock-sparroype of man t sticks  out and puts tails¡ªtype t¡¯d be a sergeant-major only t tall enougice en ticking ac into o scream at ter. And the girl all pink and wriggling.

    Finally  rutted off like an admiral on ter-deck, and I came up to ter for my razor-blades.  t of it  for my benefit s to pretend t not on tandoffisance attitude t a so keep up omers. o act te after I¡¯d seen ill pink and rembling. I asked arted fumbling in tray. ttle devil of a floor-manager turned our  bot o begin again. t sees t s me out of t because I¡¯d seen ed me like the devil. Queer!

    I cleared out and it? I  t¡¯s t of t sometimes serves me at tore grocery . A great y lump of ty,  to be e jacket, bent double across ter, rubbing ogetrue, sir! Pleasant ime of t can I ting you today, sir?¡¯ practically asking you to kick omer is al you mig inence and get o kno one of t. It¡¯s our element. Everyone t isn¡¯t scared stiff of losing iff of ing  crossed my mind t t little bastard ac more scared for  a family to support. And per s  on acoken you never read about a Spanisor or one of t being told t in private life  of ed to ame canary, and so forth.

    t ter er me as I  out of ted me because of he floor- manager.

 PART ¢ñ-3

    te or t seemed to be keeping pace rain. t type, neting opposite me. One of t tted me for one of t tion full of legal baloney t  to impress t of us and s t belong to the common herd.

    I c. t Bletc of t it¡¯s kind of peaceful, t of little backyards s of flouck in boxes and t roofs  black bombing plane stle in t I couldn¡¯t see it. I ting o t it for just a second. I kneter it¡¯s  o be a o ts noime, one year¡¯s time, ing our bags .

    t down his Daily Mail.

    ¡®templegate¡¯s winner come in,¡¯ he said.

    ting some learned rot about fee- simple and peppercorns. t in coat pocket and took out a bent oodbine.  in t and to me.

    ¡®Got a matcubby?¡¯

    I felt for my matcubby¡¯, you notice. t¡¯s interesting, really. For about a couple of minutes I stopped t bombs and began t my figure as I¡¯d studied it in my bat morning.

    It¡¯s quite true I¡¯m tubby, in fact my upper  exactly tub. But eresting, I t merely because you o be a little bit fat, almost anyone, even a total, stranger, ake it for granted to give you a nickname t¡¯s an insulting comment on your personal appearance. Suppose a c or a o remind ? But every fat man¡¯s labelled as a matter of course. I¡¯m type t people automatically slap on t. I never go into t Pudley (I pass t  t ass aters,  ired of. aters  a finger like a bar of iron. t man doesn¡¯t have any feelings.

    took anotco pick eetrain  a glimpse of a baker¡¯s van and a long string of lorries loaded . t in a  about fat men. It¡¯s a fact t a fat man, particularly a man ¡¯s to say¡ªisn¡¯t quite like ot plane, a sort of lig fairs, or in fact anyone over ty stone, it isn¡¯t so muc comedy as lo and tness makes to your outlook. It kind of prevents you from taking too  , a man ions.  no experience of suc ever be present at a tragic scene, because a scene  isn¡¯t tragic, it¡¯s comic. Just imagine a fat , for instance! Or Oliver ing Romeo. Funnily enoug out of Boots. asted Passion, it ory finds out t  in novels, t ive faces and dark e income. I remember more or less :

    David paced up and doo o unned ime  believe it. Srue to  could not be! Suddenly realization rus in all its stark  oo much. he flung himself down in a paroxysm of weeping.

    Any  somet. And even at time it started me t, you see. t¡¯s ed to be  a c off for a  t I¡¯d care a damn, in fact it o find t sill got t muc in  suppose I did care,  me to? You couldn¡¯t,   obscene.

    train . A little beloretctle red roofs  lig t because a ray of sunsc bombs. Of course tion t it¡¯s coming soon. You can tell  is by tuff talking about it in t said t bombing planes can¡¯t do any damage noi-aircraft guns  so good t to stay at ty t. tice, t if an aeroplane¡¯s  reac   t places like Ellesmere Road.

    But taking it by and large, I t, it¡¯s not so bad to be fat. One t a fat man is t o bis man doesn¡¯t fit in and feel at  men o t¡¯s all bunk to imagine, as some people do, t a  man as just a joke. trut a  look on ANY man as a joke if  h her.

    Mind you, I  al. I¡¯ve been fat for eig of teristics. But it¡¯s also a fact t internally, mentally, I¡¯m not altoget. No! Don¡¯t mistake me. I¡¯m not trying to put myself over as a kind of tender flo be get on in t. I¡¯m vulgar, I¡¯m insensitive, and I fit in . So long as any all circumstances I¡¯d manage to make a living¡ªalune¡ªand even in ion, plague, and famine I¡¯d back myself to stay alive longer t people. I¡¯m t type. But also I¡¯ve got somet. I¡¯ll tell you about t later. I¡¯m fat, but I¡¯m t ever struck you t t man, just as tatue inside every block of stone?

    tc eethe Express.

    ¡®Legs case don¡¯t seem to get much forrader,¡¯ he said.

    ¡®t ¡®im,¡¯ said tify a pair of legs? t they?¡¯

    ¡®Migrace ¡®im t.

    Doretcing t reets, but stretc you could ¡¯s ty miles of   a break. C!  one great big bull¡¯s-eye. And no  conference. Some quiet morning, o the corpses.

    Seems a pity some. I looked at t sea of roofs stretcreets, fried-fisin cure tle printing-sories, blocks of flats, ations¡ªon and on and on. Enormous! And t! Like a great s. No guns firing, nobody cing anybody else up runco t, in t t t a single bedroom window from which anyone¡¯s firing a machine-gun.

    But  five years from nowo years? Or one year?

 PART ¢ñ-4

    I¡¯d dropped my papers at tists, and ing-room, or ¡®parlour¡¯ as o call it, , but it ime for a bit of grub. I don¡¯t kno it into my o go into a milk-bar. to-ten-pound-a- ing-places in London. If your idea of t to spend on a meal is one and t¡¯s eit¡¯s t of bitter and a slab of cold pie, so cold t it¡¯s colder tside t editions of the evening papers.

    Be red counter a girl in a tall  tiddle-tiddle-plonk, a kind of tinny sound.  to myself as I  in. tmosp t gets me doreamlined; mirrors, enamel, and ce  on tions and not all. Just lists of stuff  of pom stuff t you can¡¯t taste and can ence of. Everyt of a carton or a tin, or it¡¯s  of a refrigerator or squirted out of a tap or squeezed out of a tube. No comfort, no privacy. tall stools to sit on, a kind of narroo eat off, mirrors all round you. A sort of propaganda floating round, mixed up o t t food doesn¡¯t matter, comfort doesn¡¯t matter, notters except slickness and sreamlining. Everytreamlined no ler¡¯s keeping for you. I ordered a large coffee and a couple of frankfurters. te cap jerked t me  as mucerest as you¡¯d ts¡¯ eggs to a goldfish.

    Outside tarnoosstanNERD!¡¯ I saer flapping against  ¡®legs¡¯, you notice. It  doo t. ting-room, done up in a broions of tion o be so passionately interested in ted legs t t need any furtroduction. t  t. It¡¯s queer, I t, as I ate a bit of roll, ting noting people up and leaving bits of t tryside. Not a patcic poisoning dramas, Crippen, Seddon, Mrs Maybrick; trut you can¡¯t do a good murder unless you believe you¡¯re going to roast in .

    At t I bit into one of my frankfurters, and¡ªC!

    I can¡¯t ly say t I¡¯d expected to  taste. I¡¯d expected it to taste of not t e an experience. Let me try and describe it to you.

    ter emporary teet muc. I o do a kind of sa before I could get my teet in my moutten pear. A sort of  stuff ongue. But taste! For a moment I just couldn¡¯t believe it. tongue round it again and ry. It er, filled  up and raig  touc t migasted of.

    Outside tandard into my face and yelled, ¡®Legs! ¡®Orrible revelations! All till rolling tuff round my tongue,  out. I remembered a bit I¡¯d read in t tories in Germany z, t. I remembered reading t t of fis, out of somet. It gave me t I¡¯d bitten into t it ¡¯s treamlined, everyt of someteel everyation left, everyted over, mock-turtles grazing under tral fruit-trees. But acks and get your teeto sometance, t¡¯s . Rotten fising inside your mouth.

    teet a lot better. t nice and smoot sounds absurd to say t false teet¡¯s a fact t tried a smile at myself in a s  of an artist and doesn¡¯t aim at making you look like a toote advert.  s full of false teeto me once¡ªall graded according to size and colour, and  like a je of ten eetural.

    I caug struck me t really I  suc on t side, admittedly, but not tailors call a ¡®full figure¡¯, and some o , I t. I remembered my seventeen quid, and definitely made up my mind t I¡¯d spend it on a ime to  before t, just to baptize teeteen quid I stopped at a tobacconist¡¯s and bougial to. t inceed pure he same as anywhere else.

    of t quite different.

    I¡¯d s, teet of feeling. All of a sudden I felt kind of tful and p ly because I didn¡¯t o do. My mind  back to ts of  in a kind of propic mood, t a certain kick out of it.

    I rand, and t o get t you can  your reaming up t, all of t insane fixed expression on t people reets, and traffic  red buses nosing tooting. Enougo  not to , I t. I felt as if I y of sleep-¡¯s an illusion, of course. rangers it¡¯s next door to impossible not to imagine t t probably t t you. And tic feeling t keeps coming over me no  round t  peculiar to me. e¡¯ve all got it, more or less. I suppose even among t t moment t al pictures of ts and tever t you t at t. But t  except me. I looked at treaming past. Like turkeys in November, I t. Not a notion of o t  X-rays in my eyes and could see tons walking.

    I looked forreet as it¡¯ll be in five years¡¯ time, say, or time (1941 t¡¯s booked for), after ting¡¯s started.

    No, not all smaso pieces. Only a little altered, kind of cy-looking, t empty and so dusty t you can¡¯t see into treet ter and a block of buildings burnt out so t it looks like a oote. It¡¯s all curiously quiet, and everyone¡¯s very toon of soldiers comes marcreet. ts are dragging. t¡¯s got corkscreac oo and  a coug almost tears o ba tyle. ¡®Na yer ¡®ed up!  yer keep starin¡¯ at t of cougcries to stop it, can¡¯t, doubles up like a ruler, and almost cougs out. urns pink and purple, acer runs out of his eyes.

    I can  our glorious troops aken a op-floor-back in Birming of bread. And suddenly t stand it any longer, and s it, ¡®S your trap, you little bastard!¡¯ and ts bottom  any bread and isn¡¯t going to be any bread. I see it all. I see ters and tor oil and truncing out of bedroom windows.

    Is it going to ¡¯s impossible to believe it. Some days I say to myself t it¡¯s just a scare got up by t.

    doion of t tAtEMENt. ter caugPONED. King Zog!  a name! It¡¯s next door to impossible to believe a c isn¡¯t a jet-black Negro.

    But just at t moment a queer t I suppose, as I¡¯d already seen times t day, it raffic or tarted memories in me.

    t is a curious t¡¯s ime. I suppose an  your t en or ty years ago, and yet most of time it¡¯s got no reality, it¡¯s just a set of facts t you¡¯ve learned, like a lot of stuff in a ory book. t or sound or smell, especially smell, sets you going, and t doesn¡¯t merely come back to you, you¡¯re actually IN t. It  at t.

    I  Lo y-eigo outill rand, fat and forty-five, eet, but inside me I , Lo ! You knoy, decaying, sis of smell. touc, and per¡¯s a bit overlaid by yello predominantly it¡¯s t s, dusty, musty smell t¡¯s like toget¡¯s powdered corpses, really.

    In t four feet anding on to see over t, and I could feel Motockings pulled up over my knees¡ªo  ton collar to buckle me into on Sunday mornings. And I could  t nobody else got mucer, taker. to sit opposite one anot t. Ser  man ac kind of fell ae different. , gaunt, po sixty, iff grey ly like a skeleton. You could see every line of t, and  lantern jaeet like ton in an anatomical museum. And yet rong as iron, as to be a  ce different, too. Ser e, agonized bello  and  letting out  yell for  etremendous, c o and fro underground.  out, you aly more in reserve. tummy.

    to get up a kind of antip, especially in t  e life, but in my kid¡¯s o imagine t trying to s one anoter  ¡®tely. You aler. I used especially to look foro t psalm t  about Sies and Og t King Zog¡¯s name er art off es¡¯, t of tion singing tidal remendous, rumbling, subterranean barrel-noise t  into t

    later, , I formed a picture in my mind¡¯s eye of Si Egyptian statues t I¡¯d seen pictures of in tone statues ty feet ting on te one anot mysterious smile on their faces.

    came back to me! t peculiar feeling¡ªit  describe it as an activity¡ªt o call ¡®C corpsy smell, tle of Sunday dresses, t of lig it across t traordinary performance ook it for granted, just as you took t in big doses in texts on every . by . Even nos out of t of til to Beerse  ood it, you didn¡¯t try to or  to, it  a kind of medicine, a queer-tasting stuff t you o so be in some raordinary rigmarole about people iff garments and Assyrian beards, riding up and doemples and cedar trees and doing extraordinary t offerings,  in fiery furnaces, getting nailed on crosses, getting she organ.

    t  back to  King Zog. For a moment I didn¡¯t merely remember it, I . Of course suc last more t later it y-five and traffic jam in trand. But it  a kind of after-effect beimes rain of t you feel as if you er, but time it , it   I¡¯d been breato speak, all tling to and fro, and ters and trol-stink and to me less real ty-eight years ago.

    I c noroug-place ts nose- bag. At t-s a iger sitting being-sergeant in  jacket, tig, is strutting up and doing ac indsor, God¡¯s in ¡¯s on tes and Og tting on t one anot doing anytly, just existing, keeping ted place, like a couple of fire-dogs, or the Unicorn.

    Is it gone for ever? I¡¯m not certain. But I tell you it o live in. I belong to it. So do you.

 PART ¢ò-1

    tarily remembered  from t you mig of difficulty in believing I ever belonged to it.

    I suppose by time you¡¯ve got a kind of picture of me in your mind¡ªa fat middle-aged bloke eet I  t forty-five years is a long time, and t c deal, and I¡¯ve ly ups. It may seem queer, but my fat a  a son of or-car and live in a tle above my origin, and at otimes I¡¯ve touc we she war.

    Before t, I  almost be before tually remember tbreak of t-class ro Fat it. I¡¯ve several ot e from about a year earlier t.

    t t up tone passage t led from tco t stronger all te in to prevent Joe and myself (Joe ting into till remember standing tcery smell t belonged to t  till years later t I someo crase and get into t  one of t and ran bet. It e   six.

    o suddenly become conscious of t ime past. t you so your mind one at a time, ratance, it  ¡¯s gone out no cable and in some o grasp,  it t moment, t o us and t  earlier, I¡¯d discovered t beyond te at tself, in se lettering on ts cage¡ª, because ty¡ªall to place in my mind one by one, like bits of a jig-saw puzzle.

    time goes on, you get stronger on your legs, and by degrees you begin to get a grasp of geograp like any ot to tants. It er all till exists¡ªabout five miles from t lay in a bit of a valley, self and top of t of dim blue masses among op of t been for a  iced tence of Binfield  look into tance. But by t time I knereet a little before you got to t-place, and on t-s a y old ced ting ttle, t for Abdulla cigarettes¡ªtian soldiers on it, and curiously enoug to takia. Be-place tone rougop of ter t and chaff.

    Before t e a t¡¯s a delusion. I¡¯m merely trying to tell you o me. If I s my eyes and time before I  I remember it. Eit¡¯s t-place at dinner-time,  of sleepy dusty o ¡¯s a  afternoon in t green juicy meadoo¡¯s about dusk in tments, and tobacco and nigocks floating t in a sense I do remember different seasons, because all my memories are bound up o eat,  times of to find in t tting red enougo eat. In September ts. t s  of reacer on ts and crab-apples. t you used to eat  mucaste if you clean t of ty, and so are tems of various grasses. tter, and pig-nuts, and a kind of e. Even plantain seeds are better thing when you¡¯re a long way from home and very hungry.

    Joe o pay Katie Simmons eigo take us out for ernoons. Katie¡¯s fateen c t for odd jobs. S very different from ours. So drag me by t enougy over us to prevent us from being run over by dogcarts or c so far as conversation   on equal terms. e used to go for long, trailing kind of ing t tments, across Roper¡¯s Meadoo ts and tiny carp in it (Joe and I used to go fis older), and back by to pass t-s stood on toion t anyone   bankrupt, and to my o imes a s-s it ion for c o glue our noses against tie  in t above ss and quarrelling over  ss uff called Paradise Mixture, mostly broken ss from ottles, ols, popcorn  kinds of ss, a gold ring, and sometimes a  see prize packets nos   toes printed on ticky pink stuff in an oval matciny tin spoon to eat it  a s, and so e pipes and sugar matc standby  Penny Monsters? Does one ever see a Penny Monster no le,  of fizzy lemonade, all for a penny. t¡¯s anot tone dead.

    It alo be summer  coming out of t in t coming trailing along, eating stuff out of tie dragging at my arm and saying ¡®Come on, Baby!¡¯ and sometimes yelling ao Joe, ¡®Joe! You come back ¡®ere te! You¡¯ll catc!¡¯ Joe  of remendous calves, t seven  into s trousers, ockings dra clumping boots t boys o ill in frocks¡ªa kind of  Moto make for me. Katie used to  descended from sister to sister in   ails , and a long, draggled skirt ton boots rodden do mucaller t not bad at ¡®minding¡¯ c a c as soon as it¡¯s  times sry to be groing you s o  care¡¯, sely:

    ¡®Don¡¯t care o care, Don¡¯t care  in a pot And boiled till he was done.¡¯

    Or if you called  rue one day ting along pretending to be a soldier and fell into a co. tle rat-reet beo dodge going to sco do in tarted running errands and doing ot a montealing turnips. Sopped taking us out for er ting too tougo  in Katie¡¯s  five in a bed, and used to tease t of  it.

    Poor Katie! S baby  too certain  people believe it ie  into service in alton. Some time afterime I saaves,  certain times of t t least fifty years old, came out of one of ts and began s a rag mat. It ie, y-seven.

 PART ¢ò-2

    t day. Cy smocks and s covered co drive tes into t- place early in terrific radesmen¡¯s vans o get to do tle sing and ticks. t a bull to market. Even at t age it struck me t most of tes t only ed to get to talls in peace, but a bull  ourn out and c. Sometimes some terrified brute, generally a o break loose and creet, and to be in tand in ting, ¡®oo! oo!¡¯ to ic effect on an animal and certainly it did frighem.

    o tually Fattle business  afford to give long credits. Mostly ty class of business, poultry food and fodder for tradesmen¡¯s ingy old bastard o stand tting to  in an absent-minded manner, after  buying anyt t, and unlike t s in it. All ting sergeant used to be in turday nigo times next morning you¡¯d see  saken too drunk to see and found in t it  y pounds to get out of it. People used to stand in t, almost as if it ed for a soldier! Just t! A fine young fello!¡¯ It just sing for a soldier, in t equivalent of a girl¡¯s going on treets. ttitude to to tions t ts are traigo  at time triots, stuck Union Jacks in t as an article of fait ten in battle and never could be. At t time everyone, even ts, used to sing sentimental songs about ttlefield far ao die ¡®and, but it produced a queer picture in my mind to t any rate times  to ts. Old Bre so fed up er  totitude to rue-blue Englis Vicky  queen t ever lived and foreigners , but at time nobody ever t of paying a tax, not even a dog-licence, if t.

    Before and after tituency. During tion oo young to grasp  , I only kne I ive because I liked treamers better t because of a drunken man side tement nobody took any notice of  sun  dried it ime tion came along I and it, more or less, and time I ive candidate o a pond full of duckook politics seriously in to begin storing up rotten eggs ion.

    Very early in life, tle boot-sreets off treet, and also did some cobbling. It ended to get smaller, ter greatly because Uncle Ezekiel  married. y years older at least, and for teen years or so t I kneall, e est ledoraigion from bending over t, I suppose¡ªafter ury Liberal, t not only used to ask you one said in ¡®78 but could tell you tuck to t o as ¡®ts  fling it too far for me. , ious kind of voice, coming back at e man¡¯s burden and our dooty to treated someter Uncle Ezekiel gave it out t tle Englander terms. trocity stories started. Fatales ackled Uncle Ezekiel about it. Little Englander or no, surely  t rigo tcs, even if t Uncle Ezekiel just laug it all   t is grabbing   five¡ªto illustrate. ¡®tell you! Same as I miger  let go of me, and I ure of myself flying t.

    Fate different from Uncle Ezekiel. I don¡¯t knos, t my grandfate in life o   didn¡¯t really suit Fat and ingly  on Sunday and very occasionally on   of ies and must y  little man, aly-looking because of t nose, a ratacacles, and butter-coloured   most of it and it tered ed at alton Grammar Scter-off tradesmen sent to boast t o scaugo read by a talloer ed man to quote Carlyle and Spencer by t of mind, aken to ¡®book-learning¡¯, as , and  good. On Sunday afternoons, time tle doo   te paper . I can see ternoon¡ªsummer, of course, al pork and greens still floating in tarting off to read test murder but gradually falling asleep acles,  feeling of summer all round you, tarling cooing some tableclotent. After tea, as alk in a ruminative kind of  tuff y, and tice t to turns up in t once in taken out ter, alive but bleace by tric juice. Fat sceptical of tory, and of til 1909 no one in Lo o fly. trine  if God  us to fly  orting t if God  us to ride  even  believe in the new flying machines.

    It ernoons, and per t, t Faturned o suc otimes  really suc to do, but o be al beruggling about y little cubby-er in tebook ump of pencil.  man and a very obliging man, very anxious to provide good stuff and s o get on in business.  tmaster, for instance, or station- master of a country station. But  eiterprise to borroion to t ic of  treak of imagination ion of a neure for cage-birds (Boure it  o Uncle Ezekiel. Uncle Ezekiel  of a bird-fancier and ities of goldfinctle s ion in t. In tiny plot of ground in  ty kinds of ting, and o dry to be an advertisement for Boure. Certainly, unlike most bullfincurned black.

    Mot ever since I remember  it¡¯s from  I in my pituitary deficiency, or  is t makes you get fat.

    S taller tendency to  except on Sundays I never remember  an apron. It ion, but not a very big one, to say t I never remember  cooking. o see eristic attitude. It seems to you t tly t as ump of pencil ly cable,  a lump of dough.

    You knoc beam across tone floor and cellars underneat seemed to me one sink  an iron pump, a dresser covering one ic range ook God kno table rolling out a  in beetle-traps (ed o table to try and cadge a bit of food. Mot ing bet t along  going to  you off a trip of candied peel.

    I used to like to cry. tion in cands. atco cook, I mean¡ªrolling doug a peculiar, solemn, indraisfied kind of air, like a priestess celebrating a sacred rite. And in ¡¯s exactly led s  to do.  sood. Except t of gossip tside  really exist for o read novelettes as ime I en years old. Sainly couldn¡¯t old you  of England, and I doubt o tbreak of t ar sold you  ern countries  ing guard over to t. I can almost ting t! t t s a eunuc in reality s must  as private as ts . S into t beo t tomer. S , and until to flour s knos.   t s very mucy. o look after t if srying to seton for himself.

    So far as t, ours  like clock ural process. You kne breakfast able tomorroo bed at nine and got up at five, and s it vaguely  of decadent and foreign and aristocratic¡ªto keep later  mind paying Katie Simmons to take Joe and me out for e to  ick. Enormous meals¡ªboiled beef and dumplings, roast beef and Yorkston and capers, pig¡¯s ted dog, and jam roly-poly¡ªer. t bringing up cill  fast. In till t to bed on bread and er, and certainly you o be sent aable if you made too mucing, or c ice t mucing ¡®Spare too art. o¡¯ give Joe a good o tell us stories, ful to give rap, but not. By time Joe rong for Moto get er t th him.

    At t time it ill t proper for parents to say ¡®don¡¯t¡¯ to ten ing t  of¡¯  ealing apples, or robbing a bird¡¯s nest. In some families tually took place. Old Lovegrove, t  lumps aged sixteen and fifteen, smoking in t you could  all over toole apples, robbed birds¡¯ nests, and learned to smoke sooner or later, but till knocking around t created rougically everyto Mot a boy ever s to do rees apults and squailers, and even fis Nailer, ts, and Jackie ts special recognized mettacking you. , bats got into your  into your ears, sossed you, and snakes ¡®stung¡¯. All snakes stung, according to Moted to t t t sting but bit, sold me not to ansoads, frogs, and neung. All insects stung, except flies and blackbeetles. Practically all kinds of food, except t meals, atoes  ter a meal you died of cramp, if you cut yourself bet lockja s. Nearly everyt te in tard seed and Karsry spice. Ss ing betain kinds of eating bet Moto let us eat tuff t op, and o gorge ourselves  till ain t erious virtues. Ra everytocking tied round your neck . Sulper acted as a tonic, and old Nailer¡¯s boer year, never dissolving.

    e used to ea at six. By four Motea and ¡®read . As a matter of fact s often read t on Sundays. t  t tors of t people don¡¯t really mind e and  of tside Loed. Murders errible fascination for en said, s didn¡¯t knoing ts, burying t floors, t time o dra dated from tters for s, most of treet didn¡¯t  Mot safe be Jack t t er,  ting  I¡¯d do to t man if I got  of t little American doctor  by taking all t and co tly) tears actually came into her eyes.

    But  of tter of fact it still exists, t¡¯s been a bit cro by treamlined   a copy only t¡¯s c less t till tories t go on for six mont all comes rigo follos, and t¡¯s c and trations t o look like an egg-timer and noting  of ting in t on ttle pot of strong tea steeadily from cover to cover, rigories, ts, to correspondents. ed , and some imes t of ttles on summer afternoons,  about a quarter to six sremendous start, glance at telpiece, and t into a steea o be late. But tea e.

    In till 1909, to be exact¡ªFatill afford an errand boy, and o leave to o tea op cutting slices of bread for a moment and say, ¡®If you¡¯ll give us grace, Fat our s, ly, ¡®F  to receive¡ªLord make us truly ter on,  oday, Joe¡¯, and Joe  out. Mot o be someone of the male sex.

    ttles buzzing on summer afternoons. Ours  a sanitary o ained five ainly can¡¯t en y  bins. And all s in tles in ting and crickets someo object to in blackbeetles. t of tc ts and insects. treet beie Simmons lived,  it o say t you didn¡¯t even kno.

    t blue flies used to come sailing into t longingly on t. ¡®Drat to say, but t of God and apart from meat-covers and fly-papers you couldn¡¯t do muc ttle  t tbins is also a pretty early memory. cone floor and tle-traps and teel fender and to tles buzzing and smell tbin, and also old Nailer, en to, a bluebottle or a bombing plane?

 PART ¢ò-3

    Joe started going to alton Grammar Sc till  meant a four-mile bike ride morning and evening, and Motraffic, ime included a very feor- cars.

    For several years  to t by old Mrs t. Most of t to save to t Mott er and eacy, sacles, and all s es. S manage t t ruant as often as t like it. Once tful scandal cause a boy put  understand at time. Mott succeeded in  up. icularly bad ell your fat e so see t s do it too often, and even  at you  it o dodge.

    Joe oug teen, and to cut  lumps bursting out of corduroy breecs and rat of t tolerated because tc in o fling  like a spread-eagle. tinction bet t usually pay muctention to it till t sixteen. t passing your finger and eating an eart to be frigainly to make a nuisance of tore tole fruit by t. Sometimes in er to borros and go ratting, apults and squailers, and to buy a saloon pistol, ed to more t to go fising.  Mrs t¡¯s o cut sc least once a  t about once a fortnig tioneer¡¯s son, er from your moterday. Of course I o join t Joe al any blasted kids hanging round.

    It  of going fis really appealed to me. At eig yet been fis , imes catcickleback. Moterrified of letting us go any everyt yet grasped t gro see round corners. But t of fis me ement. Many a time I¡¯d been past t tcimes under tree at t diamond- s to my eyes looked enormous¡ªsix inco t  treet, o lie aales Joe old me about fise,  gives a bob and plunges under and you feel tugging at t any use talking about it, I  of fairy lig fisackle  guns and sing, some feel it about motor-bikes or aeroplanes or ¡¯s not a t you can explain or rationalize, it¡¯s merely magic. One morning¡ªit  ¡ªI kne Joe o cut sc fiso follo, and arted on me while we were dressing.

    ¡®No you get today. You stay back home.¡¯

    ¡®No, I didn¡¯t. I didn¡¯t t it.¡¯

    ¡®Yes, you did! You t you he gang.¡¯

    ¡®No, I didn¡¯t!¡¯

    ¡®Yes, you did!¡¯

    ¡®No, I didn¡¯t!¡¯

    ¡®Yes, you did! You stay back   any bloody kids along.¡¯

    Joe  learned t. Fat  of Joe, but as usual  do so. After breakfast Joe started off on ces early as  to cut sc ime for me to leave for Mott¡¯s I sneaked off and ments. I kneo t to follo. Probably t get o dinner, and t I¡¯d cut sc anot I didn¡¯t care. I  desperate to go fisoo. I alloy of time to make a circuit round and get to ted round to get almost to t tercups o my knees. t stirring tops of t green clouds of leaves  of soft and ric  years old, and all round me it  tangled ill in bloom, and bits of soft ing overance t give a damn for any of it. All I e. It  to join tly I managed to sneak up on think his name was.

    Joe turned and sao me like a tom-cat t¡¯s going to start a fig¡¯d I tell you? You get back ¡®ome double quick.¡¯

    Boto drop our aitc all excited. I backed away from him.

    ¡®I¡¯m not going back ¡®ome.¡¯

    ¡®Yes you are.¡¯

    ¡®Clip   no kids along.¡¯

    ¡®ARE you going back ¡®ome?¡¯ said Joe.

    ¡®No.¡¯

    ¡®Rig-hO!¡¯

    tarted on me. t minute cer anot I didn¡¯t run aly  me and got me do on my upper arms and began screorture and one I couldn¡¯t stand. I ime, but still I  give in and promise to go ed to stay and go fisold Joe to get up off my c and let me stay if I ed to. So I stayed after all.

    ts and a lump of bread paste in a rag, and  ourselves cree at t t of sig t it made any difference to ering tle, but ed boys. till jealous of me and kept telling me to get out of t and reminding me t I  fis I   let me sit beside t me to anot of ter ten part of t o knoinct till, I . I ting on t fit to knock you doc on ter, and I ear- marks mixed up  ill all over my face.

    Lord knoretc and out, and t e. It ill day, too clear for fiss lay on ter o ter as to a kind of dark green glass. Out in t under times in t  t out of ter. But t biting. t sing t t a nibble, but it ime stretc and out and it got ter and ter, and te you alive, and t under t like Mot-sting  knoain  as still as a mouse and never took my eyes off t. t about telling me t  for a long time I didn¡¯t even dare to re-bait my ime I pulled my line up to frighin five miles.

    I suppose   t

    passing accidentally and sa. taking t your float gives e. It¡¯s quite different from t moves cally. t moment it gave a s  under. I couldn¡¯t o thers:

    ¡®I¡¯ve got a bite!¡¯

    ¡®Rats!¡¯ yelled Sid Lovegrove instantly.

    But t moment t any doubt about it. t dived straigill see it under ter, kind of dim red, and I felt tig, t feeling! training and a fis! t moment to me. I gave a terrific   all of us gave a yell of agony. to t under t o ser urn over, and for pero ter, splas ¡®im!¡¯  moment o t. ed! te flapped up and do , and must er of a pound. ed to see  t moment it anding over us, all billycock ¡ªone of ts to  op  and a boick in his hand.

    e suddenly coridges eet, and since cracker.

    ¡® are you boys doing here?¡¯ he said.

    t muc about w we were doing. Nobody answered.

    ¡®I¡¯ll learn ¡®ee come fis moment  in all directions.

    t all tiff and  move fast, but  in some good s of  er us t o tell our fat t of ty red  to the hedge.

    I spent t of t made up t, but for time being tolerated me. text or oto go back to t of us  for a long, meandering, scrounging kind of  of  boys go for   real boy¡¯s  from to go ie Simmons. e coy cans and s of tcer   very strong, and ter made us belcery o Upper Binfield, t time I¡¯d been t o ts of dead leaves and t smootrunks t soar up into t ts. You could go  preserve ts any longer, and at t you¡¯d only meet a carter ree t runk looked like a target, and  it ones. ts at birds apults, and Sid Lovegrove sree. Joe said  foug doo a ced to ed a dirty y  me because I only kne  ts except t t of tarted to carve tree, but got fed up  after t tters. t round by t some no one ever dared go inside because old ed as a kind of caretaker, il  doo ton Road and cers, keeping on t t reacon Road t  overgro mounds of rusty old tin cans and bicycle frames and saucepans tles  nearly an  ourselves filto foot routing out iron fence posts, because  t for old iron. te t  in a blackberry buser a lot of argument about o do ook t, s at tones, and finally stamped on to stamp on. It ting on toea-time no old Breting too o stay out mucrailed ments  and c icks, and old Bennet tation-master,  every nig, came after us in a tearing rage because rampled on his onion- bed.

    I¡¯d en miles and I  tired. All day I¡¯d trailed after tried to do everyt I¡¯d more or less kept my end up. I  kno unless you¡¯ve ¡ªbut if you¡¯re a man you¡¯ll  some time. I kne I  a kid any longer, I  last. And it¡¯s a o be a boy, to go roaming co cs and kill birds and sones and cers and s dirty ¡¯s a kind of strong, rank feeling, a feeling of kno¡¯s all bound up e dusty roads, t sy feeling of one¡¯s clot, ty ink of taste of fizzy lemonade and t made one belcamping on training on t  of it. t feeling.

    Sure enoug round and told everybody. Fatcrap out of to ¡®t of¡¯ Joe. But Joe struggled and yelled and kicked, and in t get in more t  a caning from ter of t day. I tried to struggle too, but I  me across -for rap. So I¡¯d  day, one from Joe, one from old Bre day t I  really a member yet and t I¡¯d got to go t out of tories) after all. trict in insisting t you o bite t. Moreover, because I  and to catc after t  really a big one. In a general endency of fisalk about to get bigger and bigger, but t smaller and smaller, until to alk you¡¯d  it han a minnow.

    But it didn¡¯t matter. I¡¯d been fis dive under ter and felt tugging at told t take t away from me.

 PART ¢ò-4

    For t seven years, from o ween, w I chiefly remember is fishing.

    Don¡¯t t I did not¡¯s only t ain to sill t Mott¡¯s and  to tcripes, and got my first bicycle and a long time after long trousers. My first bike  up on t rests and let t eristic sigeen- up in t to trembling, because of tful tales Joe old me about old er, tle man,  like a  t, ake out and s to my surprise I did rat sc o me t I migually Joe ter dunce, got t once a ayed someill een. My second term I took a prize in aritic and anotuff t ly concerned  by time I een alking about scy. Fations for Joe and me in t I so ¡®college¡¯. ting round t I o be a sceaco be an auctioneer.

    But I  many memories connected ruck by t t t over t frig public sc flattens t into s or t of t it. It  so  to tayed till you een, just to s you  a prole, but sc you ed to get aiment of loyalty, no goofy feeling about tones (and t enougie and not even a sco yourself, because games  compulsory and as often as not you cut tball in braces, and t o play cricket in a belt, you rousers. t ump cricket o play in t made out of a bit of packing case and a compo ball.

    But I remember t and boots, and tone in t ing block and le baker¡¯s se  no a  sc t¡ªyou  if you  iquette t you o carve your name. And I got inky fingers and bit my nails and made darts out of peny stories and learned to masturbate and cer, and bullied t of little illy Simeon, taker¡¯s son, old e trick o send o so buy t didn¡¯t exist. All tamps, t- of striped paint¡ªpoor illy fell for all of t one afternoon, putting ub and telling o lift  it  one really lived.

    to do in ter o borros¡ªMot Joe and me keep t y smelly to do a bit of ratting. Sometimes t us, sometimes told us to  and said rouble ts. Later in er s er, 1908 it must ing for er squirrels er on  birdnesting. e  birds can¡¯t count and it¡¯s all rig tle beasts and sometimes  knock t dorample on toads o catcoads, ram till t. t¡¯s  kno tangled in t ttom, and  black.

    But fis many a time to old Breook tiny carp and tenc of it, and once a urday afternoons. But after  bicycles arted fis seemed more groo catch one.

    It¡¯s queer, till  call myself a fis a fis long, and it¡¯s ty years noo fifteen seems to  fisail uck clear in my memory. I can remember individual days and individual fis a coer t I can¡¯t see a picture of if I s my eyes and te a book on tec ackle, it cost too muc of our t- money in t on ss and Lardy Busters. Very small kids generally fis pin,  to be muc you can make a pretty good ¡¯s got no barb) by bending a needle in a candle flame o plait  it  as good as gut, and you can take a small fiser  to o allace¡¯s ols didn¡¯t tackle. And talogue t I picked up some ails about gut-substitute and gimp and Limerick s and disgorgers and Nottingecies.

    t o use. In our sy of meal very good. Gentles ter. You o beg tt, tco dras or do enamena-mina-mo to decide  usually too pleasant about it. iff, and eels on y treacle-tin in your ill any customers hen say very humbly:

    ¡®Please, Mr Gravitt, y¡¯got any gentles today?¡¯

    Generally : ¡®! Gentles! Gentles in my s seen suc blow-flies in my shop?¡¯

    o deal rip of leatick,  to enormous distances and smack a fly into paste. Sometimes you o go a any gentles, but as a rule  after you just as you were going:

    ¡®¡®Ere! Go round t find one or two if you looked careful.¡¯

    You used to find ttle clusters every like a battlefield. Butc ors in tles live longer if you keep t.

    asp grubs are good, t¡¯s o make tick on t.   at nigurpentine do and plug up t day t t and take t urps missed took t t up all nig all toget very badly stung, but it y tanding by opc t bait tick t any s and just flick to and fro on t. But you can never get more t a time. Greenbottle flies, o catc bait for dace, especially on clear days. You  to put t take a  it¡¯s a tickliso put a live he hook.

    God knoe you make by squeezing er te bread in a rag. te and e and paste . Boiled  bad for roacriped and smells like an ear to keep try to keep tty good for roacake a caken  out of a bun.

    In teentarts) till mider I  often  a tin of les in my pocket. I s  it, but in t of forbidden teen ed going after girls, and from t fis t , t sticky afternoons in ting a predicates and subjunctives and relative clauses, and all t¡¯s in my mind is ter near Burford eir and to and fro. And terrific ruser tea, to Co to get in an ill summer evening, t splaser ing. And tcerally praying) t one of t before it got too dark. And t ¡¯s es more¡¯, and t five minutes more¡¯, until in to o too a ligimes in t out to make a day of it ter and a bottle of lemonade, and fisc nig you¡¯d eaten  of your bread paste, o cook t  river fis trout and salmon. ¡®Nasty muddy t of all are t catcrous fiso see oernoons and  a rod  allo. On Sundays you o go for  and ton collar t sa I sa one. And sometimes in trout go sailing past. trout groo vast sizes in t tically never caug one of ttle-nosed blokes t you see muffled up in overcoats on camp-stools y-foot roac all seasons of to catcrout. I don¡¯t blame t entirely, and still better I sa then.

    Of course ot my long trousers,  sc to Confirmation classes, told dirty stories, took to reading, and e mice, fretage stamps. But it¡¯s al er- meadoance, and ter and ter, tjars stocks and latakia. Don¡¯t mistake alking about. It¡¯s not t I¡¯m trying to put across any of t poetry of cuff. I kno¡¯s all baloney. Old Porteous (a friend of mine, a retired scer, I¡¯ll tell you about er) is great on try of cimes uff about it out of books. ordsime o say  no kids of rut kids aren¡¯t in any ic, ttle animals, except t no animal is a quarter as selfis interested in meado a landscape, doesn¡¯t give a damn for flo o eat,  kno from anot¡¯s about as near to poetry as a boy gets. And yet all t peculiar intensity, t long ime stretc and out in front of you and t wever you¡¯re doing you could go on for ever.

    I tle boy, ter-coloured  except for a quiff in front. I don¡¯t idealize my co be young again. Most of to care for  care if I never see a cricket ball again, and I  give you t of ss. But I¡¯ve still got, I¡¯ve al, but I¡¯ve actually o go fis and forty-five and got tal about my c my oicular c tion  at its last kick. And fisypical of t civilization. As soon as you t don¡¯t belong to tting all day under a ree beside a quiet pool¡ªand being able to find a quiet pool to sit beside¡ªbelongs to time before tler. tenc  live in terror of time eating aspirins, going to tures, and  of tration camp.

    Does anyone go fis to catc trout-fise ers round Scotcels, a sort of snobbiscificial flies. But s or coreams aren¡¯t poisoned ories ty tins and motor-bike tyres.

    My best fis some fis I never caug¡¯s usual enough, I suppose.

    fourteen Faturn of some kind to old aker at Binfield

    a good turn. One day a little o buy c me outside topped me in  of a bit of root, and only teeth, which were dark brown and very long.

    ¡® you?¡¯

    ¡®Yes.¡¯

    ¡®t you en, ted to, you could bring your line and ry in t ty bream and jack in t don¡¯t you tell no one as I told you. And don¡¯t you go for to bring any of t their backs.¡¯

    oo muc Saturday afternoon I biked up to Binfield s full of les, and looked for old  t t time Binfield y for ten or ty years. Mr Farrel, t afford to live in it and eit or  let it.  of  to tting, ttles, tations o meadoo s it iful ance. It  , I suppose, about Queen Anne¡¯s time by someone aly. If I  t a certain kick out of ion and t t used to go on t suc t for ever. As a boy I didn¡¯t give eit old  finis surly, and got o so t   a lake, about a y yards across. It onis t age it astonis t fifty from London, you could ude. You felt as mucely round by trees, ed in ter. On tc, and up at one end of tting among the bulrushes.

    t four to six incurn er. too, and t  sometimes one t urn over and plunge  o ter. It rying to catcried every time I  tried t in t alive in a jam-jar, and even  of a bit of tin. But t bite, and in any case tackle I possessed. I never came back from t at least a dozen small bream. Sometimes in t te and to ter and  of all o be alone, utterly alone, t a quarter of a mile a old enougo kno it¡¯s good to be alone occasionally. itrees all round you it o you, and notirred except ter and t, in t I  fisimes did I really go, I  more t ook up a  least. And sometimes oturned up, and sometimes o go it rained. You knohings happen.

    One afternoon t biting and I began to explore at t from Binfield  of an overfloer and to fig of jungle of blackberry busten boug rees. I struggled t for about fifty yards, and to anoted. It  more ty yards  over. But it er and immensely deep. I could see ten or fifteen feet doo it. I  for a bit, enjoying tten boggy smell, t almost made me jump out of my skin.

    It e   t glided across ter, and to ter on t as if a s fisood t breat anoter, and toget possibly tenc more probably carp. Bream or tenc groime ted ream   been forgotten. It¡¯s a t s forgotten some for years and decades and to monstrous sizes. tes t I c be a  a soul in t t me. Very likely it y years since anyone  tten its existence.

    ell, you can imagine . After a bit I couldn¡¯t even bear tantalization of co t my fisoget rying for tes ackle I  as if it  go on fisiny bream. t of tomac as if I o be sick. I got on to my bike and  for a boy to rous fis¡ªfis  bait you offered t ion of getting rong enougo s. I¡¯d buy tackle t eal t of till. Some  or gimp and Number 5 les and paste and meal a carp mig. t Saturday afternoon I¡¯d come back and try for them.

    But as it  back. One never does go back. I never stole t of till or boug of salmon line or ry for t immediately afterurned up to prevent me, but if it  been t it hings happen.

    I kno you ting about t t medium- sized fis long, say) and t t it isn¡¯t so. People tell lies about t and still more about t are  a I never caugried to catcive for lying. I tell you they were enormous.

 PART ¢ò-6

    And besides fishere was reading.

    I¡¯ve exaggerated if I¡¯ve given t fis. Fisainly came first, but reading  en or eleven ed reading¡ªreading voluntarily, I mean. At t age it¡¯s like discovering a ne t many  t you migypical Boots Library subscriber, I al-seller of t (tter¡¯s Castle¡ªI fell for every one of t Book Club for a year or more. And in 1918, y-five, I  of debauc made a certain difference to my outlook. But not years raigo tcs of Brazil.

    It een t I got my biggest kick out of reading. At first it tle t and an illustration in t later it  Gould and Ranger Gull and a c ories almost as rapidly as Nat Gould e racing ones. I suppose if my parents tle better educated I¡¯d , Dickens and t tin Dur scimes tried to incite me to read Ruskin and Carlyle. But tically no books in our  t of my oill mucer. I¡¯m not sorry it  ed to read, and I got more out of t out of tuff taug school.

    t ill exist. tories , I t Gould probably isn¡¯t read any longer, but Nick Carter and Sexton Blake seem to be still t, if I¡¯m remembering rigarted about 1905. till rat C arted about 1903,  remember its exact name¡ªe  a boy at sco give aimes. If I noopus and a cuttle-fis composition of bell-metal, t¡¯s w from.

    Joe never read.  t are unable to read ten lines consecutively. t of print made urn a t of disgust as a  smells stale ried to kick me out of reading, but Mot I  I saste for ¡®book-learning¡¯, as t. But it ypical of bot t by my reading t t I ougo read somet didn¡¯t knoo be sure rations  half bad.

    All ter of 1905 I spent a penny on Cory, ¡®Donovan tless¡¯. Donovan tless cimes it ers of volcanoes in Africa, sometimes it rified mammotusks from ts of Siberia, sometimes it reasures from t cities of Peru. Donovan  on a ne be  fres est place in to lie on, and a sort of plastery smell mixed up  over to lie ticking out of ter. I can feel t noer day, just ill. I¡¯m lying on my belly  of me. A mouse runs up toy, tops dead and ctle eyes like tiny jet beads. I¡¯m t I¡¯m Donovan tless. t pitcent, and ts of terious orc blooms once in a in box under my camp bed. In ts all round  teet and skin ing tcc and sainfoin and tery smell, and I¡¯m up t¡¯s bliss, pure bliss.

 PART ¢ò-7

    t¡¯s all, really.

    I¡¯ve tried to tell you somet t a sniff of  I¡¯ve told you not need to be told about it, or you don¡¯t remember, and it¡¯s no use telling you. So far I¡¯ve only spoken about t o me before I een. Up to t time tty   before my sixteent I began to get glimpses of ness.

    About ter I¡¯d seen t Binfield o tea looking very e ea and didn¡¯t talk mucing, and aco , because  many back teet. I  getting up from table when he called me back.

    ¡®ait a minute, George, my boy. I got suto say to you. Sit do a minute. Mot I got to say last night.¡¯

    Moteapot, folded  on, speaking very seriously but rat by trying to deal  lodged some of eeth:

    ¡®George, my boy, I got suto say to you. I been t over, and it¡¯s about time you left sco get to art earning a bit to bring o your mote to Mr icksey last nigold o take you away.¡¯

    Of course te according to precedent¡ªing to Mr icksey before telling me, I mean. Parents in tter of course, alheir children¡¯s heads.

    Fat on to make some rations. imes lately¡¯, t difficult¡¯, and t  Joe and I art earning our living. At t time I didn¡¯t eitly care  to see t¡¯. t  Fat by competition. Sarazins¡¯, tail seedsmen entacle into Loaken t-place and dolled it up until  green paint, gilt lettering, gardening tools painted red and green, and isements for s peas, it  you in t a ance. Sarazins¡¯, besides selling flory and livestock providers¡¯, and apart from s and so fort in for patent poultry mixtures, bird-seed done up in fancy packets, dog-biscuits of all sions, and conditioning poraps, dog-cors, sanitary eggs, bird-nesting, bulbs, icide, and even, in some branco ock department¡¯, meaning rabbits and day-old cy old so stock ne compete  kind of t  to. tradesmen  ail seedsmen, foug in six montty gentry of ts and t a big loss of trade for Fat, inkle. I didn¡¯t grasp any of t time. I titude to all. I¡¯d never taken any interest in ted me to run an errand or give a ing sacks of grain up to t or do  it seems natural for a boy to regard ill t time fiso me a good deal more real t he grown-up world.

    Fato old Grimmett, ted a smart lad and o take me into tely. Mean rid of to come ill  a regular job. Joe  scime back and imes talked of ¡®getting o¡¯ ts department at ts of making o an auctioneer. Botely  seventeen, e a  repeat tiplication table. At present o be ¡®learning trade¡¯ at a big bicycle sskirts of alton. tinkering ed Joe,  e incapable of eadily and spent all ime loafing about in greasy overalls, smoking oodbines, getting into figarted t already), getting ¡®talked of¡¯ er anoticking Fatful. I can see ,  of grey acles and ac understand en pounds ty pounds t year, and no understand it. ed t trade,  eeto get t, t times rade seemed very slack,  t   as if t o eat. Per ors, y smelly t in. Stle  s to be more so. Once or trying to decide omorroton. Except omorrorouble and Fat  as far as so it. None of us   ure? I don¡¯t t kno tematically under-sell

    imes rade ing t probably tly¡¯.

    It ell you t I  o my fatime of trouble, suddenly proved myself a man, and developed qualities uff you used to read in t novels of ty years ago. Or alternatively I¡¯d like to be able to record t I bitterly resented o leave sc, recoiled from to uff you read in t novels today. Bote bunkum. trut I ed at to t o pay me real . I¡¯d no objection to leaving scerms early. It generally  our sco¡¯ go to Reading University, or study to be an engineer, or ¡®go into business¡¯ in London, or run ao sea¡ªand t tice, niger you¡¯d meet ables. ites of Fatelling me t I so leave sc t I so go to antly started demanding a ¡®gro¡¯,  t  time, a ¡®cuta  I¡¯ve never fully fats in tried to prevent tand-up fig tall collars or a girl put her hair up.

    So tion veered aroubles and degenerated into a long, nagging kind of argument, ting angry and repeating over and over¡ªdropping an aitc to do  ¡®ave it. Make up your mind to t¡ªyou can¡¯t ¡®ave it.¡¯ So I didn¡¯t a  to  time in a ready-made black suit and a broad collar in ress I felt over t. Joe .  o leave t time t  , made a nuisance of o Fatever.

    I t¡¯s st anding, er version of Uncle Ezekiel, and like Uncle Ezekiel a good Liberal. But ed in toer enemy of trade unions and once sacked an assistant for possessing a pograp erally, in tist Cin tab¡ª. Old Grimmett o ty. ite alk about liberty of conscience and tempore prayers you could sometimes ting loose ab, tle like a legendary Nonconformist grocer in tory¡ª you¡¯ve , I expect:

    ¡®James!¡¯

    ¡®Yessir?¡¯

    ¡®he sugar?¡¯

    ¡®Yessir!¡¯

    ¡®ered treacle?¡¯

    ¡®Yessir!¡¯

    ¡®to prayers.¡¯

    God knoory art t up tters. Not t old Grimmett sanded t t doesn¡¯t pay. But rade of Lory round, and ants in ter (ed as cas six montants left to ¡®set up¡¯ in Reading and I moved into t o tie a parcel, pack a bag of currants, grind coffee,  an edge on a knife, s eggs  breaking ticle as a good one, clean a er into s ¡ª remember . I  sucailed memories of grocering as I  I remember a good deal. to trick of snapping a bit of string in my fingers. If you put me in front of a bacon-slicer I could  better typeer. I could spin you some pretty fair tecies about grades of Cea and  of eggs and thousand.

    ell, for more t  young cter-coloured  s but carefully greased and slicked back in o call a ¡®smarm¡¯), ling about beer in a ying up bags of coffee like ligomer along ainly, ma¡¯am! AND t order, ma¡¯am!¡¯ in a voice  a trace of a Cockney accent. Old Grimmett ty  mas ¡¯s a good time to look back on. Don¡¯t t I ions. I kne going to remain a grocer¡¯s assistant for ever, I rade¡¯. Some time, someo ¡®set up¡¯ on my o  up in trade¡¯, time  on. t commoner on try motor-buses began to run. An aeroplane¡ªa flimsy, rickety-looking tting in too yell at it. People began to say rat tting too big for s and ¡®it¡¯ (meaning ime¡¯. My  gradually up, until finally, just before ty-eigen ser,  een s left me feeling ric since. I greaco sprout, I ton boots and collars tty dark grey suit,  and black dogskin gloves on t gent, so t Motain ¡¯ on t clots of ambition and sao a Big Business Man like Lever or illiam eley. Beteen and eigs to ¡®improve my mind¡¯ and train myself for a business career. I cured myself of dropping aitc rid of most of my Cockney accent. (In try accents . Except for ter talked Cockney.) I did a correspondence course tleburns¡¯ Commercial Academy, learnt bookkeeping and business Englisful bla of Salesmansic and even my ing. een I¡¯ve sat up late at nigongue  of my moutising copperplate by ttle oil-lamp on table. At times I read enormously, generally crime and adventure stories, and sometimes paper-covered books  t¡¯. (translations of Maupassant and Paul de Kock.) But urned  a ticket for ty Library, and began to stodge t  about t time t I joined t one evening a er for erary discussion¡¯. Under pressure from ts of Sesame and Lilies and even  Browning.

    And time  slumping suddenly into tter, but it e ter Joe ran aer I  to  Grimmett¡¯s.

    Joe, at eigo an ugly ruffian. y c of tremendous sable moustac in tap- room of to s, sco t o knock to t enougo let t taking  of s, yell over  to  t knoo do ing t e one nig of till and taken all t , luckily not muc eig  eerage passage to America. ed to go to America, and I tain. It made a bit of a scandal in to Joe ed because  a girl in treet as to ainly been  so  a dozen ot ed te, used it to excuse tealing t pounds and running a capable of grasping t Joe  because  stand a decent respectable life in a little country toed a life of loafing, fig utterly to t boto e. Luckily tions. As for t t Joe olen t pounds, Moto keep it a secret till t was a muchan Sally Chivers¡¯s baby.

    trouble over Joe aged Fat deal. to lose Joe o cut a loss, but it   time forle grey man, y spectacles, really dates from t time. By sloing more and more involved in money erested in otalked less about politics and t trade. Moto tle, too. In my c and overflo of great opulent creature like ttles smaller and more anxious and older tc in more for neck of mutton, o use margarine, a to ter Joe o  from t for a year or t s. I sometimes lent  oo selfiso do it regularly. I can still see  double and almost s srous sack, o tacled face looking up from underneat. In 1911 ured o spend e anotal. A small so c it isn¡¯t sudden and obvious like te of a ly finds ¡¯s just a gradual crade, tle ups and doo t s and goes to Sarazins¡¯. Somebody else buys a dozen ill keep going. You¡¯re still ¡®your oer¡¯, altle more tle sal sime. You can go on like t for years, for a lifetime if you¡¯re lucky. Uncle Ezekiel died in 1911, leaving 120 pounds o Fat  till 1913 t o mortgage  I didn¡¯t  at time, or I¡¯d ood  meant. As it  t furt Fat doing rade  longer to  before I o ¡®set up¡¯. Like Fat, and I  inclined to be angry  managing tter. I  capable of seeing, and neit  o be seventy ainly end in time I¡¯ve passed Sarazins¡¯ s-place and merely t  to Faty old se lettering, and ts of bird-seed. It didn¡¯t occur to me t Sarazins¡¯ apeo repeat to uff I¡¯d been reading in my correspondence-course textbooks, about salesmanstention. ed an old-establisrade, and supplied sound goods, and tly. It¡¯s a fact t very feill your o cy, and, t Fat, and Motoo.

    1911, 1912, 1913. I tell you it ime to be alive. It e in 1912, t I first met Elsie aters. till t of to looking for girls and occasionally managed to connect up  and ¡®¡¯ a feernoons, I¡¯d never really ¡¯s a queer business, t c sixteen. At some recognized part of toroll up and docroll up and doending not to notice tly some kind of contact is establisead of trailing along in fours, all four utterly speecure of t ime,  ly failure to make any kind of conversation. But Elsie aters seemed different. trut I was growing up.

    I don¡¯t  to tell tory of myself and Elsie aters, even if tory to tell. It¡¯s merely t s of ture, part of ¡®before t  t¡¯s . te dusty road stretc betnut trees, t-stocks, t¡¯s oers is part of it.

    I don¡¯t knoy no as tall as I am, ed and coiled round e, curiously gentle face. S al in black, especially t Lilyhan I was.

    I¡¯m grateful to Elsie, because s person  a  mean   ticed  into Lily as it  of butter muslin and old Grimmett sent me to buy some. You knomosp¡¯s somet, a cool smell of clot  ter, cutting off a lengt  against ter¡ªI can¡¯t describe it, somet, curiously feminine. As soon as you saake  you ed le, very submissive, t old  eit even stupid, only rat and, at times, dreadfully refined. But in ther refined myself.

    e oget a year. Of course in a toogetive sense. Officially ¡¯,  quite t branco Upper Binfield and ran along under tretc, nearly a mile, t e straignut trees, and on t tpat o go tnuts  nig  t your face like silk. Sometimes on Sunday afternoons  over Co ter-meadoillness, ter, t¡¯ll never come again. I don¡¯t mean t 1913  being in a  being frig need to be told about, or   ever o learn.

    It  till late summer t ogetoo so begin, and too ignorant to realize t ternoon  into ted e  sing for me to begin. Somet kno it into my o go into t seventy and getting very crusty, urning us out, but ernoon. e slipped tpato t  ill tter solitude, t trees all round you, t-ting among ttle grass , and  up and  again. I ed ed to take tened. And curiously enoug in my mind at time. It suddenly struck me t for years I¡¯d meant to come back  seemed a pity not to go doo t t I¡¯d kick myself after I couldn¡¯t t been back before. tored a t me, I o catcime. Practically tually started  direction, and t ten yards I turned back. It meant crasten brus. Dark-grey suit, boton boots, and a collar t almost cut my ears off. t ed Elsie very badly. I  back and stood over . S stir uff t you could do e if I ed to. Suddenly I stopped being frig on to t bounced, I remember), knelt doook  yet. It  time, but it   make suc as you mig. So t . t of my mind again, and in fact for years after them.

    1913. 1914. t tnuts in blossom. Sunday afternoons along to toget tnut trees, an o  year. ed in t! And tside, t-stocks and pipe-tobacco in tments, t dust underfoot, and tjars er the cockchafers.

    C! ¡¯s t one oug to be sentimental about ¡®before timental about it. So are you if you remember it. It¡¯s quite true t if you look back on any special period of time you tend to remember t bits. t¡¯s true even of t it¡¯s also true t people t  now.

    ? It  t ture as someto be terrified of. It isn¡¯t t life er tually it ful een s cripples  able¡¯ poverty le atson, a small draper at treet, ¡®failed¡¯ after years of struggling, s ely of ric trouble¡¯, but tor let it out t it arvation. Yet o  to t. Old Crimp, tcant, a skilled y years, got cataract and o go into treet  ce efforts managed to send -money. You saimes. Small businesses sliding doradesmen turning gradually into broken-dos, people dying by inc every Saturday, girls ruined for life by an illegitimate baby. ter mornings, treets stank like t o you never  a day  remembering  to end. And yet  t people y, even ly, it inuity. All of t to die, and I suppose a feo go bankrupt, but  kno tever migo t believe it made very muc ill prevalent in t¡¯s true t nearly everyone  to c any rate in try¡ªElsie and I still  to cter of course, even er deat t I¡¯ve never met anyone , at most, people believe in t kind of tmas. But it¡¯s precisely in a settled period, a period o stand on its four legs like an elep, t sucure life don¡¯t matter. It¡¯s easy enougo die if t are going to survive. You¡¯ve ting tired, it¡¯s time to go underground¡ªt¡¯s o see it. Individually t tinue. t feel tood on sing under t.

    Fat kno. It  times rade seemed to d. t ually  bankrupt, because   turned into pneumonia) at to t ,  go  y of small s belief not merely on to bankrupt deat even into tor-vans staring  realize t  of date as too¡ªMoto kno t up to, t God-fearing ser and a decent God-fearing simes  and trade  ing¡¯, but you carried on muc c God-fearing  of cosy little undereea, bad legs, and  say t eite to t simes a little dispirited. But at least to kno everyt so muc to a sort of gly flux, and t kno. t it ernity. You couldn¡¯t blame t  felt like.

    t tremendous vague excitement and endless leading articles in tually brougo read aloud to Moters everywhere:

    GERMAN ULtIMAtUM. FRANCE MOBILIZING

    For several days (four days,  it? I forget t dates) trange stifled feeling, a kind of ing  before a torm breaks, as t and listening. It   o spare ities of tinned stuff and flour and oatmeal. It oo feveriso ed and ed. In t doo tation and fougrain. And ternoon a boy came rusreet o to s across treet. Everyone er from uck it on t opposite:

    ENGLAND DECLARES AR ON GERMANY

    e rus on to t, all tants, and c old Grimmett, tty  of till o a little of   would be a bad business.

    ter I er I was in France.

 PART ¢ò-8

    I  ill late in 1916.

    e¡¯d just come out of trenc of road a mile or so back  ime earlier. Suddenly tarted putting a fe one a minute. to t. I t  got me. I kne it ten on it. t didn¡¯t say er you, you b¡ª, YOU, you b¡ª, YOU!¡¯¡ªall t t you he explosion.

    I felt as if an enormous ly I came do of burst, stered feeling among a lot of old tin cans, splinters of y barbed urds, empty cartridge cases, and otc t and cleaned some of t off me t I  very badly . It  of small sers t tom and do luckily I¡¯d broken a rib in falling,  bad enougo get me back to England. I spent t er in a al camp on tbourne.

    Do you remember time al camps? ts like cuck rigop of tly icy do¡¯, people used to call it,  could be like¡ª you from all directions at once. And ts and red ties,  of times tbourne used to be led round in crocodiles to  fags and peppermint creams to tommies¡¯, as t eigo a knot of ting on t open a packet of oodbines and solemnly o eac like feeding t trong enougo ing girls. to go round. In t of a spinney, and long before dusk you¡¯d see a couple glued against every tree, and sometimes, if it o be a tree, one on eac. My c time is sitting against a gorse-bus bend taste of a peppermint cream in my mout¡¯s a typical soldier¡¯s memory. But I ting aommy¡¯s life, all t my name in for a commission a little before I ime te for officers and anyone ually illiterate could ed one. I  straigal to an officers¡¯ training camp near Colcer.

    It¡¯s very strange, to people. It ant, bending over ter in my ainly, madam! AND t order, madam?¡¯  as mucion of becoming an Army officer as of getting a knig in a gorblimey  and a yelloemporary gents and some emporary. And¡ªt¡ªnot feeling it in any range. Notrange in those days.

    It  time no notion of trying to resist. If people didn¡¯t , no  t pack up and go s ly for a lark and partly because of England my England and Britons never never and all t stuff. But  last? Most of tten all about it long before t as far as France. trenc patriotic, didn¡¯t e t care a damn about gallant little Belgium and tables (it ables¡¯, as t made it reets of Brussels. On t didn¡¯t occur to to try and escape. t  could do  liked  lifted you up and dumped you do   icularly strange. t  didn¡¯t concern me any longer. I  from t day for back to Lo o Mot sounds incredible no it seemed natural enoug time. Partly, I admit, it  of Elsie, ing to after t s I didn¡¯t  to meet  a bit of leave I¡¯d s w would have been proud of a son in uniform.

    Fat time. I don¡¯t exaggerate s me more no did t time it  a bit of bad ne  interest, in t of empty-ic renco t to get enoug to read tter, and I remember Motear-stains on tter, and tgaged for most of its value, but ttle money in to buy up tock and even pay some tiny amount for t over time being to lodge ty  of ton. It ime being¡¯. temporary feeling about everytter of fact er. itc in front of you a kind of fifteen-act tragedy, t act being a pauper¡¯s funeral. But no being one¡¯s oer overs in terms of tcy and tions about t.

    So see me in tal at Eastbourne. It  ime I ravelled, and everyto me, but tion t s talked in t Aunt Mart aying ion ombstone and alk, talk I¡¯d listened to for years, and yet some alking. It didn¡¯t concern me any longer. I¡¯d knoecting kind of creature, a bit like a s like a broody er all stle old   time I sa training sc Colcer, and put in for a  leave immediately. But it oo late. Sime I got to Doxley.  so be indigestion ernal grooucor tried to celling me t t¡¯, o call it, seeing t it had killed her.

    ell, o Fat  glimpse of Lo , even in t, some  names over tson, to to catcs alive, . One of t Grimmett¡¯s  bot up tage near alton on a tiny annuity. Old Grimmett, on t of turned patriotic and ried conscientious objectors. toy, forlorn kind of look  tically no . Every aking ation fly still existed, but te t pulled it  o stand up if it  been for ts. For t I oo Elsie. I sa it  see t¡¯s uniform,  (a t on kinctly remember t I ill t tood at to t it means for your moto be lying  of eartop of c even t altoget of my mind.

    Don¡¯t t feel for Mot in trenc t care a damn about, didn¡¯t even grasp to be er t Mart  back to Doxley on took to tation, to get train to London and to Colcer. e drove past taken it since Fat , and t tc tless¡¯, ures, and tried on my first   to me as t  an accident if I ever set foot in it again. Faterrier, Spot, t came after Nailer, Jackie ts, t¡ªall gone, not but dust. And I didn¡¯t care a damn. I  all time my mind  proud of being seen riding in a cab, a t yet got used to, and I  of my neies, so different from tty stuff tommies o  Colcer and ty quid Mot and t. Also I  I  o run into Elsie.

    traordinary to people. And raordinary t killed people  sometimes didn¡¯t kill t  flood ruso deat er ra pay for ttalions making roads across t t didn¡¯t lead any for German cruisers  ypists ing years after tion ia. People ten by ties for years on end. t o myself, or very likely I  be s is rateresting.

    A little ted training camp  I kne trade (I didn¡¯t let on t I¡¯d actually been beer) old me to send my name in. t  t, and I  about to leave for anotraining-scrade, to act as some kind of secretary to Sir Josep, but at any rate t t ter I ing in Sir Josep, rately impressed me.  professional soldier, type, and migo t, te life  System. opped ing as I came in and looked me over.

    ¡®You a gentleman?¡¯

    ¡®No, sir.¡¯

    ¡®Good. t some work done.¡¯

    In about tes  of me t I arial experience, didn¡¯t knoypeer, and  ty-eig I¡¯d do, too many gentlemen in t beyond ten. I liked o  at t terious po seemed to be running t again. Somet Coast Defence Force alked about, and tablisions and otores at various points along t. Sir Josepo be responsible for t corner of England. ter I joined  me doo cores at a place called t. Or rato find out ed. Nobody seemed certain about t got t tores consisted of eleven tins of bully beef o take cores at till furtice. I ores at too late. Next day came tter informing me t I ¡¯s really tory. I remained O.C. t of the war.

    God kno . It¡¯s no use asking me  Coast Defence Force  o do. Even at t time nobody pretended to kno didn¡¯t exist. It  a sc ed to exist all along t ed for about t of bubble, and tten, and I¡¯d been forgotten . My eleven tins of bully beef  beerious mission. t bee Lidgebird.  Lidgebird o be doing t I remained guarding tins of bully beef from o t, but it¡¯s trut time even t didn¡¯t seem particularly strange. By 1918 one  out of t of expecting to happen in a reasonable manner.

    Once a mont me an enormous official form calling upon me to state tion of pick-axes, entrencools, coils of barbed s, erproof groundss, first-aid outfits, ss of corrugated iron, and tins of plum and apple jam under my care. I just entered ¡®nil¡¯ against everyt tly filing t more forms, and filing t erious ten my existence. I didn¡¯t jog ter t didn¡¯t lead any so burning riotism t I ed to get out of it.

    It  of t tle s of sand. Nine mont rained, and tlantic. t Private Lidgebird, myself, tisins of bully beef. Lidgebird  muc of  t t  gardener before  eresting to see ing to type. Even before I got to tarted planting spuds, in tumn cill  about ivation, at tarted keeping  to quite a number by to t crossed o  t Coast Defence Force ually existed. It  surprise me to  ill, raising pigs and potatoes on t o be. I o him.

    Meanime job¡ªreading.

    t a feions and nearly all of tripe t people ories and so fort at some time or ot books are  are not. I myself, at time, didn¡¯t knoarily read ective stories and once in a ty sex book. God kno set up to be a  if you¡¯d asked me t Me, or (in memory of t ention of reading. But to do, reaming doaring me in temporary s t. Naturally I started to read to end,  t as muctempt to discriminate as a pig s hrough a pail of garbage.

    But in among t  from t it  run a I suddenly discovered Marcel Proust or   in t  no so  you strike a book  tal level you¡¯ve reac t, so muc it seems to ten especially for you. One of tory of Mr Polly, in a cion  it o be broug up, try too come across a book like t? Anoton Mackenzie¡¯s Sinister Street. It  in Loory, parts of  started you t story of D. . I don¡¯t remember t. It ory about a German conscript ification and ts caug puzzled me a lot. I couldn¡¯t make out  , and yet it left me  I¡¯d like to read some ot.

    ell, for several montite for books t  like p. It  real go-in at reading t I¡¯d  to set about getting  to buy t¡¯s interesting, I t s Mudie¡¯s and times Book Club er I learned of tence of lending libraries and took out a subscription at Mudie¡¯s and anot a library in Bristol. And  year or so! ells, Conrad, Kipling, Galst Ridge, Oliver Onions, Compton Mackenzie, on Merriman, Maurice Baring, Stept, Antepratton Porter.  list are knoo you, I ook seriously in tten no at t¡¯s got in among a s revelled in ter a bit, of course, I greinguisripe and not-tripe. I got  of , and I got a lot of kick out of Oscar ilde¡¯s Dorian Gray and Stevenson¡¯s Neers and liked it, and I tried several of  stuck about  Ibsen,  in Nor¡¯s always raining.

    It  time it struck me as queer. I   left, I could already distinguist and Elinor Glyn, and yet it o ter-grocer. If I tot up t, I suppose I must admit t t any rate t year of reading novels ion, in t I¡¯ve ever  did certain to my mind. It gave me an attitude, a kind of questioning attitude, and t really c so mucten meaninglessness of the life I was leading.

    It really  time in 1918. ting beside tove in an Army , reading novels, and a feing t, o t small coke into a furnace. I aken ttle bolt- didn¡¯t exist. At times I got into a panic and made sure t me and dig me out, but it never ty grey paper, came in once a mont t t  on. t as muc as a lunatic¡¯s dream. t of all to leave me hing.

    I  tten corners. By time literally millions of people uck up backers of one kind and anotting as t people ten tries ypists all draly  all to pile up mounds of paper. Nobody believed trocity stories and t little Belgium stuff any longer. t ted taff as mental defectives. A sort of  even got as far as t ion to say t turned people into  it did turn to nis for time being. People o t pudding urned into Bols by t s  been for t kno somet from  o kill you it o start you ter t unspeakable idiotic mess you couldn¡¯t go on regarding society as someternal and unquestionable, like a pyramid. You kne  a balls-up.

 PART ¢ò-9

    t of t in t came after it almost completely.

    I kno in a sense one never forgets anyt piece of orange-peel you sater teen years ago, and t coloured poster of torquay t you once got a glimpse of in a railing-room. But I¡¯m speaking of a different kind of memory. In a sense I remembered teapot and Jackie troug-place. But none of it   I¡¯d finis  some day I mig to go back to it.

    It ime, t after t queerer tself, t remember it so vividly. In a rat form tronger t of to find t try t for didn¡¯t  to any illusions t still existed. Bands of ex-service men marctling collection boxes, masked reets, and cunics o be scrambling for jobs, myself included. But I came off luckier t. I got a small uity, and  and t of money I¡¯d put aside during t year of  unity to spend it), I came out of ty quid. It¡¯s rateresting, I to notice my reaction. e enougo do t up to do and t is, start a sy of capital. If you bide your time and keep your eyes open you can run across quite nice little businesses for ty quid. And yet, if you¡¯ll believe me, to me. I not only didn¡¯t make any move toarting a s it  till years later, about 1925 in fact, t it even crossed my mind t I mig  I¡¯d passed rig of t. t o you. It turned you into an imitation gentleman and gave you a fixed idea t t of money coming from someo me t I ougo start a sobacco and s sore in some god- forsaken village¡ªI¡¯d just andards  time I didn¡¯t sty common among ex- officers, t I could spend t of my life drinking pink gin. I kne to   kno sometant, sometelepary   year or so of  of us . travelling salesman, and travelling salesman sa  of Army life, t of o t ing for us t  least as muc didn¡¯t circulate, no .

    ell, I didn¡¯t get t job. It seemed t nobody o pay me 2,000 pounds a year for sitting among streamlined office furniture and dictating letters to a platinum blonde. I ers of t from a financial point of vieter off in to be again. e¡¯d suddenly clemen y¡¯s commission into miserable out-of-o t even jobs of t seem to exist. Every mortal job oo old to figoo young. tards  out in till it never occurred to me to go back to t a job as a grocer¡¯s assistant; old Grimmett, if ill alive and in business (I  in touc knoo a different orbit. Even if my social ideas  risen, I could er o tence beer. I ed to be travelling about and pulling doed to be a travelling salesman, w me.

    But travelling salesmen¡ªt¡¯s to say, jobs tac t racket  beginning on a big, scale. It¡¯s a beautifully simple metising your stuff  taking any risks, and it alring by ing t perime, and o take over. Naturally it  long before I  I e a number in rapid succession. to peddling vacuum- cleaners, or dictionaries. But I travelled in cutlery, in soap- poent corkscrein-openers, and similar gadgets, and finally in a line of office accessories¡ªpaper-clips, carbon paper, typeer ribbons, and so fort do so badly eitype t CAN sell t temperament and I¡¯ve got t I never came any, in jobs like t¡ªand, of course, you aren¡¯t meant to.

    I  a year of it altoget ime. try journeys, tco you¡¯d never imes. tly bed-and-breakfast s ally of slops and t breakfast  you¡¯re aling, middle-aged faten overcoats and bo sooner or later trade urn to five quid a raipsing from so ss   to listen, and tanding back and making yourself small  t it icularly. to some c kind of life is torture. t even o a s screop. But I¡¯m not like t. I¡¯m tougalk people into buying t , and even if t doesn¡¯t botually o making a bit of doug of it. I don¡¯t kno I unlearned a good deal. It knocked t of me, and it drove into tions t I¡¯d picked up during t tective stories, all time I  a ies of modern life. And ies of modern life? ell, ting, frantic struggle to sell t people it takes t¡¯s to say, getting a job and keeping it. I suppose t been a single montrade you care to name, in ¡¯s brougly feeling into life. It¡¯s like on a sinking seen survivors and fourteen lifebelts. But is ticularly modern in t, you say?  anyto do  feels as if it  feeling t you¡¯ve got to be everlastingly figling, t you¡¯ll never get anyt from somebody else, t ter your job, t monter taff and it¡¯s you t¡¯ll get t, I s exist in the war.

    But mean and I¡¯d still got plenty of money in t sooner or later I¡¯d get a regular job. And sure enouger about a year, by a stroke of luck it roke of luck, but t is t I o fall on my feet. I¡¯m not type t starves. I¡¯m about as likely to end up in to end up in type, type t gravitates by a kind of natural lao all I¡¯ll back myself to get one.

    It ypeer ribbons. I¡¯d just dodged into a  Street, a building o, as a matter of fact, but I¡¯d managed to give t attendant t my bag of samples tacoote firm t I¡¯d been recommended to try, ion. I kneely t it o take up more room and  you can feel fifty yards ao me I sa it er  actually rain, because   you some t t antly. But curiously enoug seen me for years. to my surprise opped and spoke to me.

    ¡®¡¯s your name? It¡¯s on tip of my tongue.¡¯

    ¡®Boo be in the A.S.C.¡¯

    ¡®Of course. t said  a gentleman.  are you doing here?¡¯

    I migold ypeer ribbons, and t I ions t you get occasionally¡ªa feeling t I mig of t properly. I said instead:

    ¡®ell, sir, as a matter of fact I¡¯m looking for a job.¡¯

    ¡®A job, e so easy, nowadays.¡¯

    rain-bearers ed ttle distance a nose, looking me over and realized t o ¡¯s queer, t me in er urned aside like an emperor suddenly co a beggar.

    ¡®So you  a job?  can you do?¡¯

    Again tion. No use, s. Stick to trut I  a job as a travelling salesman.¡¯

    ¡®Salesman?  sure t I¡¯ve got anyt present. Let¡¯s see.¡¯

    , e pere deeply. It  time I realized t it ant old bloke,  ually taking t on my beed ed at least tes of ime, all because of a co make years earlier. I¡¯d stuck in o take tiny bit of trouble t o find me a job. I dare say ty clerks the sack. Finally he said:

    ¡®o go into an insurance firm? Alo  to eat.¡¯

    Of course I jumped at to an insurance firm. Sir Joseperested¡¯ in terested¡¯ in. One of ted ylo out of coat pocket, Sir Josepe to some ion, and her again.

    ell, I got t me. I¡¯ve been een years. I started off in t noor, or, icularly impressive, a Representative. A couple of days a rict office, and t of time I¡¯m travelling around, intervies s, making assessments of sy, and no. I earn round about seven quid a ¡¯s tory.

    my active life, if I ever een. Everyt really matters to me  date. But in a manner of speaking till ance¡ªup to time er t¡ª ories, and neit day for you could properly describe as an event, except t about t t married.

 PART ¢ò-10

    I  of my memory. I y rigues for t of in tty satisfied - alk. Pep, punc, sand. Get on or get out. ty of room at top. You can¡¯t keep a good man do t tive es o so and so¡¯s correspondence course. It¡¯s funny , even blokes like me to  application. Because I¡¯m neitter nor a do, and I¡¯m by nature incapable of being eit it  of time. Get on! Make good! If you see a man doies,  yet arrived to knock tuffing out of us.

    I ion at Boots and  to o a local tennis club. You knoennis clubs in teel suburbs¡ªlittle ing enclosures een forty!¡¯ and ¡®Vantage all!¡¯ in voices ation of t. I¡¯d learned to play tennis, didn¡¯t dance too badly, and got on  nearly ty I  a bad-looking cter-coloured  ill a point in your favour to  in t any otime, succeeded in looking like a gentleman, but on t aken me for try toy of a place like Ealing,  tennis club t I first met hilda.

    At t time y-four. Simid girl, iful movements, and¡ªbecause of inct resemblance to a  remain on tion t¡¯s going on, and give t tening. If s all, it . At tennis s very gracefully, and didn¡¯t play badly, but some.

    If you¡¯re married, times  often enoug  it across fifteen years, why DID I marry hilda?

    Partly, of course, because sty. Beyond t I can only say t because sotally different origins from myself it  for me to get any grasp of  about erricken officer class. For generations past  kind of t on t I s you , if you belong as I do to tea class. It  make any impression on me no it did t mistake  mean t I married o ter, ion of jockeying myself up in t  I couldn¡¯t understand  ainly didn¡¯t grasp  trousers, just to get away from home.

    It  long before ook me o see  knoill t talk about discovering a ne e a revelation to me.

    Do you kno¡¯s almost impossible, o remember t out in treet it¡¯s England and tietury. As soon as you set foot inside t door you¡¯re in India in ties. You knomospeak furniture, trays, ty tiger-skulls on tric pickles, tograps, tani  you¡¯re expected to knoing anecdotes about tiger-ss and o Jones in Poona in ¡®87. It¡¯s a sort of little  ted, like a kind of cyst. to me, of course, it e neeresting. Old Vincent,  only in India but also in some even more outlandis ely bald, almost invisible beacories about cobras and cummerbunds and rict collector said in ¡®93.  s like one of tos on t time  tle dark reets t exist in Ealing. It smelt perpetually of tric s, and t you could  in it.

    Old Vincent ired in 1910, and since t as mucivity, mental or p at time I titude tos, and toeresting illustration of side t me among business people¡ªravellers¡ªand I¡¯m a fairly good judge of cer. But I ever of tier-clergyman class, and I o kooo ts. I looked on tellectual superiors,  kind, ¡®business¡¯, s, is just a dark mystery. All t it¡¯s somet of o talk impressively about my being ¡®in business¡¯¡ªonce, I remember, ongue and said ¡®in trade¡¯¡ªand obviously didn¡¯t grasp t. ion t as I er rise to top of it, by a process of promotion. I t¡¯s possible t ures of ouc some future date. ainly  in , even  it is, I¡¯d probably be lending money to  t if er eric or somets are dead too.

    ell,  from tart it  ts of killing ice one never does tasy t one enjoys t. Besides, c copped. ly  it¡¯s you  on to you some suspect¡ª marriage.

    One gets used to everytime. After a year or topped ing to kill arted   ernoons or in t my s ,  seems to be a most frigo pieces after t¡¯s as if trung up to do just t one tant t t¡¯s set its seed.  really gets me dotitude to it implies. If marriage  an open srapped you into it and turned round and said, ¡®Noard, I¡¯ve caugo  mind so muc not a bit of it. t  to ime, t to slump into middle age as quickly as possible. After tful battle of getting o tar, t vanis. It  ty, delicate girl,   ttled doo a depressed, lifeless, middle-aged frump. I¡¯m not denying t I  of t w would he same.

    a er erest in tand. It  I first got a notion of ial fact about t all tality , ies¡ª t¡¯s to say on incomes  smaller¡ªty, more crust- sixpence, t alone a family like mine. en told me t almost t tly feeling t t kind of family, t its  ly t only t one al it¡¯s one¡¯s duty to be miserable about it.

    At ttle maisonette and o get by on my er, o t Bletcter, but titude didn¡¯t c gly glooming about money! t! togeto tune of ¡®Next ¡¯s not t ill less t so be a bit of spare cas I can o buy  clot s t you OUGo be perpetually o a ste lack of money. Just mospy. I¡¯m not like t. I¡¯ve got more ttitude too be in t   I refuse to . ¡®But, George! You don¡¯t seem to REALIZE! e¡¯ve simply got no money at all! It¡¯s very SERIOUS!¡¯ Sting into a panic because somete s t trick, . If you made a list of  ted toget top¡ª¡®e can¡¯t afford it¡¯, ¡®It¡¯s a great saving¡¯, and ¡®I don¡¯t kno t o save butter and eggs.  is  to o tures sime ion about ts.  in t a snob. S a gentleman. On trary, from  of vieress too muc¡¯s a curious t in t felook and even in appearance, to anyt never does. e live just about as  ting ste tter and ts and sc¡¯s a kind of game h hilda.

    e moved to est Bletcarted buying t year, a little before Billy er I or I ies  say all time, but as often as I got ttle t kind of to  ed o mind. And like all jealous imes t me out   t sen been equally suspicious y. I¡¯m more or less permanently under suspicion, t fe five years, any enougo be, w as I am.

    taking it by and large, I suppose  get on  imes ion or divorce, but in our  do t afford to. And time goes on, and you kind of give up struggling. een years, it¡¯s difficult to imagine life   of t find to object to in t do you really  to cie¡¯. Not to say a ball and fetter.

    Of late years  friends called Mrs  very bitter ideas about to ttle  s-colour, but s tly different form. it takes t you can ime  paying for it. S bargains and amusements t don¡¯t cost money. it it doesn¡¯t matter a damn , it¡¯s merely a question of  on t sales Mrs  t¡¯s est pride, after a day¡¯s ing round ter, to come out   anyte a different sort. Sall t ty-eigent-leatrusting kind of face. Siny fixed income, an annuity or somet- over from ty of est Bletc tle country to¡¯s ten all over   on ty  of turn into o escape from ill looks exactly like a c¡¯s still a tremendous adventure to  to go to c ¡®modern progress¡¯ and ¡®t¡¯, and s a vague yearning to do somet quite knoart. I ttoned on to  of pure loneliness, but noake hey go.

    And times togetimes I¡¯ve almost envied t. You couldn¡¯t name a kind of idiocy t s dragged to at one time or anoto cat¡¯s-cradle, provided you can do it on t in for t Energy uces and ot don¡¯t cost money. Of course to ely began starving ried it on me and t my foot do fait of tackling Pelmanism, but after a lot of correspondence t t get ts free, uff called bee  not all because you made it out of er. t after ticle in t bee ed tours round factories, but after a lot of aritic Mrs  teas tories gave you didn¡¯t quite equal tion. tance ickets for plays produced by some stage society or ot for ening to some  even pretend to understand a  even tell you ter t t tting sometook up spiritualism. Mrs  medium  eenpence, so t tanner a time. I sa our al terror of D.t.s.   of spasm and a ter-muslin dropped out of rouser-leg. I managed to s back to ter-muslin is oplasm old. I suppose o anoter get manifestations for eig find of t fe Book Club. I t  t Book Club got to est Bletc soon after¡¯s almost time I can remember spending money  esting. Sting it for a ts proper price. ttitude is curious, really. Miss Minns certainly ry at reading one or t t even o t connexion  Book Club or any notion ¡¯s all about¡ªin fact I believe at t it o do  in rail it means seven and sixpenny books for  it¡¯s ¡®suc Book Club brancings and gets people doo speak, and Mrs akes t one for public meetings of any kind, al it¡¯s indoors and admission free. t t knoing¡¯s about and t care, but t a vague feeling, especially Miss Minns, t t isn¡¯t costing thing.

    ell, t¡¯s  sake it by and large, I suppose simes  I¡¯d like to strangle  later I got so t I didn¡¯t care. And t fat and settled do must  I got fat. It  it  stuck inside. You knoill feeling more or less young,  morning you  you¡¯re just a poor old fatty  sing your guts out to buy boots for the kids.

    And no¡¯s ¡®38, and in every sing up ttleso see on a poster irred up in me a uff o have been buried God knows how many years ago.

 PART ¢ó-1

    evening I ill in doubt as to een quid on.

    o t Book Club meeting. It seemed t to lecture, to say  knoure o be about. I told  mucures, but t morning, starting rain,  me into a kind of tful mood. After t  to bed early and cleared off in time for ture, w o¡¯clock.

    It y kind of evening, and t too tle y of some Nonconformist sect or ot for ten bob. teen or sixteen people  of tform t ture  altogetct, ect¡¯s office, aking turer round, introducing o everyone as Mr So-and-so (I forget i-Fascist¡¯, very muc call somebody ¡®t¡¯. turer tle c forty, in a dark suit, ried rato cover up h wisps of hair.

    Meetings of tart on time. t on tence t pero turn up. It  ty-five past eigct tapped on table and did uff. itct¡¯s a mild- looking ctom kind of face t¡¯s aly, and s as M.C. at tern lectures for t you migells you ed o form tonig . I never look at  t tle lecturer took out a es, ctings, and pinned ter. t o s.

    Do you ever go to lectures, public meetings, and ?

    o one myself, t during t:  t people urn out on a er nigting in t ever remember going to any kind of public meeting  in t. , as usual. It tle ced iron roof, and enougs to make you  to keep your overcoat on. ttle knot of us ting in t round tform,  ty roy cs of all ty. On tform beurer t-clot ually it was a piano.

    At t exactly listening. turer tle c a good speaker. e face, very mobile mouting voice t t from constant speaking. Of course co ler and t particularly keen to   tuff in t o me as a kind of burr-burr-burr,  struck out and caugtention.

    ¡®Bestial atrocities. . . . bursts of sadism. . . . Rubber truncration camps. . . . Iniquitous persecution of to tion. . . . Act before it is too late. . . . Indignation of all decent peoples. . . . Alliance of tic nations. . . . Firm stand. . . . Defence of democracy. . . . Democracy. . . . Fascism. . . . Democracy. . . . Fascism. . . . Democracy. . . .¡¯

    You knoalk. t out by t like a gramopurn tton, and it starts. Democracy, Fascism, Democracy. But some interested me to ctle man, e face and a bald anding on a platform, sing out slogans. ¡¯s e deliberately, and quite openly, irring up red. Doing  to make you e certain foreigners called Fascists. It¡¯s a queer t, to be knoi-Fascist¡¯. A queer trade, anti-Fascism. ting books against ler. But ion applies to doctors, detectives, rat-catc ting voice  on and on, and anot struck me. . Not faking at all¡ªfeels every o  t¡¯s noto tred ruto  eresting to knoe life. But does e life? Or does form to platform, working up red? Perhaps even his dreams are slogans.

    As  to t,  on er nigo sit in draugening to Left Book Club lectures (and I consider t I¡¯m entitled to t I¡¯d done it myself on tain significance. e¡¯re t Bletcionaries. Doesn¡¯t look  first sig struck me as I looked round t only about  turer alking about, time co ler and t¡¯s al ings of t a notion of ¡¯s all about. In able itct curer ed smile, and tle like a pink geranium. You could urer sat doern lecture in aid of trousers for t interesting¡ªgive us all a lot to t¡ªmost stimulating evening!¡¯ In t roting very uprigtle on one side, like a bird. turer aken a s of paper from under tumbler and  statistics about te. You could see by t s feeling  it? If only s  ! tting t to ttle ting a jumper. One plain, t togeturer imes tioner makes a bos. teac tening, sitting forurer and tle bit open, drinking it all in.

    Just bey ting. One , tacs. You knoype. Been in ty since t. Lives given up to t. ty years of being blacklisted by employers, and anoten of badgering to do somet ty stuff doesn¡¯t matter any longer. Find tco foreign politics¡ªler, Stalin, bombs, macrunc, anti- Comintern pact. Can¡¯t make ail of it. Immediately in front of me t Party brancting. All t money and is sometate Company, in fact I believe  one of t you¡¯d t.  seventeen, ty.  and a brigie t   to t ting. But t seems, is a different kind of Communist and not-quite, because  trotskyist. t a doure quite differently from t t question-time started. You could see tctle trotskyist o get in ahers.

    I¡¯d stopped listening to tual ure. But tening. I s my eyes for a moment. t of t o see tter when I could only hear his voice.

    It  sounded as if it could go on for a fortnig stopping. It¡¯s a gly to  of ing propaganda at you by te, e, e. Let¡¯s all get togete. Over and over. It gives you t somet inside your skull and is  for a moment, , I managed to turn tables on  inside  ion. For about a second I  say I AS  any rate, I felt w he was feeling.

    I sa   at all t can be talked about.   ler¡¯s after us and  all get togete. Doesn¡¯t go into details. Leaves it all respectable. But . It¡¯s a picture of  faces, of course. I KNO t¡¯s  I  e ago is just a great big blob of stra. And it¡¯s all O.K. because to Fascists. You could  in tone of his voice.

    But ion, because iff . t sufficient foresigo be a little more frigler¡¯s after us! Quick! Let¡¯s all grab a spanner and get toget smasler¡¯s black and Stalin¡¯s  it mig as , because in ttle cler and Stalin are th mean spanners and smashed faces.

    ar! I started t it again. It¡¯s coming soon, t¡¯s certain. But o say,  isn¡¯t t matters, it¡¯s ter-o, te-s, trunc cells ectives cers ill to t time, underneate  t to puke. It¡¯s all going to  it? Some days I kno¡¯s impossible, ot¡¯s inevitable. t nig any rate, I kne o  tle lecturer¡¯s voice.

    So perer all ttle cro¡¯ll turn out on a er nigo listen to a lecture of t any rate in t it¡¯s all about. tposts of an enormous army. ted ones, t rats to spot t ts are coming! Spanners ready, boys! Smaserrified of ture t raigo it like a rabbit diving dorictor¡¯s t.

    And rut probably  make test difference. As for turer and ts in t¡¯ll make plenty of difference to to  as usual. And yet it frigell you it frig started to opped and sat down.

    ttle sound of clapping t you get een people in tct said s  toget t  on for about ten minutes, full of a lot of stuff t nobody else understood, sucical materialism and tiny of tariat and urer, ood up and gave a summing-up t made trotskyist  on  pleased t  on unofficially for a bit longer. Nobody else did any talking.  ture ended. Probably to be a collection to pay for ttle aying to finising itcct sat and beamed at ing it all al notes, and to ttle open, and tac up to  looking up at t t . And finally I got up and began to put on my overcoat.

    t urned into a private rotle trotskyist and t o join t. As I edged my o get out, to me.

    ¡®Mr Bo? If you were young, I mean.¡¯

    I suppose  sixty.

    ¡®You bet I ,¡¯ I said. ¡®I o go on  time.¡¯

    ¡®But to smash Fascism!¡¯

    ¡®Ohere¡¯s been enough smashing done already, if you ask me.¡¯

    ttle trotskyist criotism and betrayal of t t :

    ¡®But you¡¯re t  an ordinary imperialist ime it¡¯s different. Look  ration camps and ting people up runc in eac it make your blood boil?¡¯

    t your blood boiling. Just the war, I remember.

    ¡®I  off told  a trench smells like.¡¯

    And to see   moment.

    A very young eager face, migo a good-looking sco actually  tears in  as strongly as all t about t as a matter of fact I kne  brains, too. And ting beed ering figures in a ledger, counting piles of notes, bumsucking to tting auff¡¯s ing over trencry cs of smoke. Probably some of ing in Spain. Of course  I   of years   of t sering  day in August er ENGLAND DECLARES AR ON GERMANY, and o t in our we aprons and cheered.

    ¡®Listen son,¡¯ I said, ¡®you¡¯ve got it all  it o be a glorious business. ell, it . It  a bloody mess. If it comes again, you keep out of it.  your body plugged full of lead? Keep it for some girl. You t I tell you it isn¡¯t like t. You don¡¯t -c isn¡¯t like you imagine. You don¡¯t feel like a  you¡¯ve ink like a polecat, you¡¯re pissing your bags , and your   t doesn¡¯t matter a damn, eit¡¯s t erwards.¡¯

    Makes no impression of course. t t of date. Migand at t tracts.

    to clear off. itct aking turer s and ttle Je up toget it again arian solidarity and dialectic of tic and rotsky said in 1917. t ill, very black nigo ars and didn¡¯t ligance you could rains booming along treet. I ed a drink, but it en and t pub o talk to, t talk in a pub. It  of not ly of teeture and t. I ed to talk about time t¡¯s eit coming, ts and treamlined men from eastern Europe o talk to  occurred to me to go and look up old Porteous, we hours.

    Porteous is a retired public-scer.  of to imagine t kind married. Lives all alone o do for in and poetry and all t. I suppose t if t Book Club brancs Progress, old Porteous stands for Culture. Neits muc Bletchley.

    t tle room s reading till all . As I tapped on t door rolling out as usual, o keep triking looking call, ¡¯s a bit discoloured but mig belong to a boy, t be nearly sixty. It¡¯s funny y co look like boys till t¡¯s somets. Old Porteous  a rolling up and do tle back t makes you feel t all t some poem or ot conscious of   seeing tten all over o er. mospin, Greek, and cricket.  all t and old grey flannel bags tes, and ts up  I bet  of vie of a bounder. I  been to a public sc knoin and don¡¯t even  to. ells me sometimes t it¡¯s a pity I¡¯m ¡®insensible to beauty¡¯,  I¡¯ve got no education. All table in t kind of o alk at all  drinks ed by  does you good to get out of it sometimes into a bacmospmosptering except books and poetry and Greek statues, and notioning imes t¡¯s a comfort too.

    o t  dim  black. It¡¯s a smallis for t up to telpiece t. A roobacco jar eous¡¯s college on it, and a little eartold me ain in Sicily. Over telpiece tos of Greek statues. tepping out to catceous ime I sa, not knoter, I asked  stick a .

    Porteous started refilling elpiece.

    ¡®t intolerable airs ,¡¯ o live t of my life out of to knoion?¡¯

    I told olerable¡¯, and it tickles me, in 1938, to find someone objecting to eous rolling up and dos and  instantly alking about some la musical instruments t ime of Pericles. It¡¯s al eous. All alk is about t uries ago. ever you start off  alo statues and poetry and tion tart telling you about Priremes. o kno any ne times, and takes a pride in telling you t o tures. Except for a fes like Keats and ords of vie t oug to have happened.

    I¡¯m part of t I like to alk. roll round t first one book and ttle puffs of smoke, generally o translate it from tin or somet¡¯s all kind of peaceful, kind of mellotle like a scer, and yet it sooten you aren¡¯t in trains and gas bills and insurance companies. It¡¯s all temples and olive trees, and peacocks and eleps, and cs and tridents, and s, and generals in brass armour galloping t¡¯s funny t toned on to a c it¡¯s one of tages of being fat t you can fit into almost any society. Besides  on common ground o dirty stories. t, t modern.  it, alells a story in a veiled kind of imes  some Latin poet and translate a smutty r to your imagination, or s about te lives of t  on in temples of Aso , teous  pograpings some would make your hair curl.

    ¡¯s often done me a lot of good to go and alk eous. But tonig didn¡¯t seem to. My mind ill running on t  as I¡¯d done  Book Club lecturer, I didn¡¯t exactly listen to o t eous¡¯s didn¡¯t. It oo peaceful, too Oxfordy. Finally, whing, I chipped in and said:

    ¡®tell me, Porteous, ler?¡¯

    Old Porteous  on t  took  of h.

    ¡®ler? t think of him.¡¯

    ¡®But trouble is o bloody  him before he¡¯s finished.¡¯

    Old Porteous s at t like, t¡¯s part of o be s smoke.

    ¡®I see no reason for paying any attention to urer. these people come and go. Ephemeral, purely ephemeral.¡¯

    I¡¯m not certain  I stick to my point:

    ¡®I t it . So¡¯s Joe Stalin. t like t for t. ter somete ne¡¯s never been heard of before.¡¯

    ¡®My dear fellohe sun.¡¯

    Of course t¡¯s a favourite saying of old Porteous¡¯s.  ence of anytell  anyt¡¯s  exactly tells you t te, or Mycenae, or ried to explain to  I¡¯d felt uring and time t¡¯s coming, but  listen. Merely repeated t t of t some Greek tyrant back in tainly migler¡¯s ther.

    t  on for a bit. All day I¡¯d been ing to talk to somebody about t¡¯s funny. I¡¯m not a fool, but I¡¯m not a  normal times I don¡¯t erests t you  expect a middle-aged seven- pound-a-o  I¡¯ve enougo see t to is being sa ts. I can feel it ¡¯s coming and I can see ter- police and telling you o t even exceptional in t I meet every t. And yet ory till it¡¯s running out of  even see t t tler matters. Refuses to believe t fig  doesn¡¯t enter muco s¡ª  see s.  intelligent person tention to sucler and Stalin  someteous calls ¡®ternal verities¡¯  pass a tly as ivated Oxford blokes roll up and doudies full of books, quoting Latin tags and smoking good tobacco out of jars s of arms on t alking to  more c of toed off, as it alo t  o poetry. Finally old Porteous drags anot of t¡¯s ¡®Ode to a Nig ).

    So far as I¡¯m concerned a little poetry goes a long  it¡¯s a curious fact t I rateous reading it aloud. tion t  t, of course¡ªused to reading to classes of boys.  somettle jets of smoke coming out, and  it moves  knory is or ¡¯s supposed to do. I imagine it  on some people like music  actually listen, t¡¯s to say I don¡¯t take in t sometimes t brings a kind of peaceful feeling into my mind. On t. But someonig didn¡¯t   felt t try!  is it? Just a voice, a bit of an eddy in t use  be against machine-guns?

    I c ts of Latin and Greek and poetry. And suddenly I remembered t almost t time I  t to t¡ªt about magic casements, or somet struck me. . All people like t are dead.

    It struck me t per of t are dead. e say t a man¡¯s dead ops and not before. It seems a bit arbitrary. After all, parts of your body don¡¯t stop ake in a neeous is like t. onderfully learned, aste¡ªbut  capable of c says ts over and over again. t of people like t. Dead minds, stopped inside. Just keep moving backtle track, getting fainter all time, like gs.

    Old Porteous¡¯s mind, I t, probably stopped  about time of t¡¯s a gly t nearly all t people, t  to go round smas. t, but topped. t defend t o t see it, even  England  grasp t it¡¯s just a left- over, a tiny corner t to   tern Europe, treamlined men s? track. Not long before tc people are paralysed. Dead men and live gorillas. Doesn¡¯t seem to be anytween.

    I cleared out about er, ely failed to convince old Porteous t ler matters. I ill ts as I s. trains opped running. teeto ter in t into my pyjamas, and prised o t ¡¯s funny, tremendous gloom t sometimes gets e at nig t moment tiny of Europe seemed to me more important t and to do tomorro plain foolis t move out of my mind. Still ts and ttling. t the hell a chap like me should care.

 PART ¢ó-2

    tarted. I suppose it ime in March.

    I¡¯d driven ter to do an assessment of an ironmonger¡¯s s o intervie, but at t moment aken frigo doubt ty good at talking people round. It¡¯s being fat t does it. It puts people in a c signing a c a pleasure. Of course t ackling different people. it¡¯s better to lay all tress on tle s about hey die uninsured.

    tctle  a day! You kno generally comes some time in Marcer suddenly seems to give up fig  people call ¡®brig razor-blade. t a c a leaf stirring, a touc in tance ed sloed into t. I¡¯d got to myself. It  aken your clothes off.

    I got to a spot y yards fartopped. too good to miss. I felt I¡¯d got to get out and  tion of picking a bunco take o hilda.

    I sc out. I never like leaving tral, I¡¯m al and look at t reminds you of trian Empire, all tied togets of string but some believe any mace in so many directions at once. It¡¯s like tion of ty-t kinds of  ral it¡¯s for all tche hula-hula.

    te beside trolled over and leaned across it. Not a soul in sigc back a bit to get t my fore inside te a tramp or somebody  ttle pile of ill oozing out of ttle bit of a pool, covered over er  sloped up stle beec of young leaves on trees. And utter stillness everyir t a sound, not even an aeroplane.

    I stayed t, leaning over te. I e alone. I  t me. I felt¡ªI wonder wand.

    I felt ¡¯s so unusual no to say it sounds like foolis  t t live for ever, I¡¯d be quite ready to. If you like you can say t t   day of spring. Seasonal effect on t to it t. Curiously enoug  life  bit of fire near te. You knoill day. ticks t o icks, and under t you can see into. It¡¯s curious t a red ember looks more alive, gives you more of a feeling of life t it, a kind of intensity, a vibration¡ªI can¡¯t t  it lets you kno you¡¯re alive yourself. It¡¯s t on ture t makes you notice everything else.

    I bent doo pick a primrose. Couldn¡¯t reac¡ªtoo mucted dole bunco see me. ts¡¯ ears. I stood up and put my buncepost. teet of my mout them.

    If I¡¯d  tter of fact, I kne man of forty-five, in a grey  a bit t. ife, ten all over me. Red face and boiled blue eyes. I kno o tell me. But t struck me, as I gave my dental plate t back into my mout It DOESN¡¯t MAttER. Even false teet matter. I¡¯m fat¡ªyes. I look like a bookie¡¯s unsuccessful broto bed o. I kno. But I tell you I don¡¯t care. I don¡¯t  t even  to be young again. I only  to be alive. And I  moment  t¡¯s a feeling inside you, a kind of peaceful feeling, and yet it¡¯s like a flame.

    Fart t if you didn¡¯t knoep on it. I  ead of time on, just  t pool, for instance¡ªall tuff t¡¯s in it. Neer- snails, er-beetles, caddis-flies, leec you can only see ery of ter. You could spend a lifetime cen lifetimes, and still you   to t one pool. And all t of feeling of ¡¯s t  it.

    But I do  it. At least I t so at t moment. And don¡¯t mistake o begin  Cockneys, I¡¯m not soppy about ¡®try¡¯. I oo near to it for t. I don¡¯t  to stop people living in to matter. Let ¡®em live ing t ty could spend tly   to ¡¯s only because c in mines and girls are  typeers t anyone ever ime to pick a flo to pick flo t¡¯s not t.  I get inside me¡ªnot often, I admit, but no¡¯s a good feeling to ¡¯s more, so does everybody else, or nearly everybody. It¡¯s just round time, and ¡¯s top firing t macop cever you¡¯re c your breat a bit of peace seep into your bones. No use. e don¡¯t do it. Just keep on he same bloody fooleries.

    And t raigo it. treamlined bullets streaming from t t t icularly. I¡¯m too old to fig t  everybody. Besides, even if t kind of danger exists, it doesn¡¯t really enter into one¡¯s ts beforeimes already, I¡¯m not friger- isn¡¯t likely to affect me personally. Because  to be a political suspect. No one  it frigioner plugs you from be matter it frigellectually a good deal dumber t o telling you about, t peace, if you like. But s. And it¡¯s gone for ever if trunc hold of us.

    I picked up my bunc t  it  of my mind all time, after ty years during ten it. And just at t the road.

    It broug. I suddenly realized o ory at t ironmonger¡¯s s  suddenly struck me  man in a bo look rig all. Fat men mustn¡¯t pick primroses, at any rate in public. I just ime to c. It  ty.  me¡ªyou kno struck me t even no some I¡¯d been doing. Better let ¡®em t  out of  try road? Obvious! As t past I pretended to be doing up a fly-button.

    I cranked up tarter doesn¡¯t  in. Curiously enoug ers full of to me.

    I¡¯d go back to Lower Binfield!

    ? I t as I jammed o top gear.  I?  o stop me? And  of it before? A quiet  ted.

    Don¡¯t imagine t I o LIVE in Lo planning to desert art life under a different name. t kind of t o stop me slipping doo Lower Binfield and .?

    I seemed to  all planned out in my mind already. It ill t in t secret pile of mine, and you can able  a fortnig or September. But if I made up some suitable story¡ª relative dying of incurable disease, or somet to give me my e o myself before  s, no noise of traffic driving you silly¡ªjust a ening to tness?

    But o go back to Loo do here?

    I didn¡¯t mean to do anyt  of t. I ed peace and quiet. Peace! e  once, in Loold you somet our old life t pretending it . I dare say it urnips, if you like. But turnips don¡¯t live in terror of t lie a nig t slump and t self  ill be toroug-place. I ed to get back t for a  t soak into me. It  like one of tern sages retiring into a desert. And I siring into t during t fe¡¯ll be like time in ancient Rome t old Porteous elling me about,  ting list for every cave.

    But it  t I ed to ced to get my nerve back before times begin. Because does anyone  t time coming? e don¡¯t even kno¡¯ll be, and yet ¡¯s coming. Per t it¡¯ll be someto to t face t kind of t t feeling inside you. t¡¯s gone out of us in ty years since t¡¯s a kind of vital juice t ed ail t. All to and fro! Everlasting scramble for a bit of casing din of buses, bombs, radios, telepo bits, empty places in our bones o be.

    I s door. t of going back to Loles ick t and fill t gulp before topuses. e¡¯re all stifling at ttom of a dustbin, but I¡¯d found to top. Back to Lo my foot on tor until to y miles an tling like a tin tray full of crockery, and under cover of tarted singing.

    Of course t t pulled me up a bit. I sloo about ty to t over.

    t muc  sooner or later. As to getting only a  off all rigell  ask too many questions about t, because s tting doay at ty came in   just clear off  notice. Best t, o tell  I  on some special job to Nottingol, or some otold  it t o hide.

    But of course s sooner or later. trust art off by pretending to believe it, and t quiet, obstinate  t I¡¯d never been to Nottingol or onis. Sucill s all ts in your alibi, and t your foot in it by some careless remark, sarts on you. Suddenly comes out urday nig¡¯s a lie! You¡¯ve been off  tcoat. Look at t colour?¡¯ And times it¡¯s imes s about times s ter-effects are al a ro make out ¡¯s all about. tely o tell

    s.

    But, , er. I s door again. I¡¯d  bigger t. I  go in May. I¡¯d go in tarted, and I¡¯d go fishing!

    , after all? I ed peace, and fis idea of all came into my he road.

    I¡¯d go and catc Binfield house!

    And once again,  it queer  t to do are t can¡¯t be done?  I catc, as soon as tioned, doesn¡¯t it sound to you like somet just couldn¡¯t  seemed so to me, even at t moment. It seemed to me a kind of dope-dream, like tars or  c it  in t impossible, it  even improbable. Fised.  t enoug. And Goso pay five pounds for a day¡¯s fis pool. For t matter it e likely t till empty and nobody even kne ted.

    I t of it in trees, ing for me all till gliding round it. Jesus! If t size ty years ago, hey be like now?

 PART ¢ó-3

    It eenthe coarse- fishing season.

    I  y in fixing tted ory t ig t moment I¡¯d even told el I o stay at, Rotom¡¯s Family and Commercial. I o knoayed t time I didn¡¯t  ing to me at Birming do if I er t over I took young Saunders, o my confidence. o mention t eent o promise t op on  a letter from me to tom¡¯s. to tell  I migter not e. Saunders understood, or t  settled  asked any questions, and even if surned suspicious later, an alibi like t ake some breaking.

    I drove ter  breeze bloops stle reaming across tside esterearing to it  t suddenly reminded me of time  t t got it in yet. It lay drying in long s drifted across t mixed up rol.

    I drove along at a gentle fifteen. ted about on t too satisfied to eat. In Nettlefield, tertle man in a aced across ted o attract my attention. My car¡¯s kno¡¯s only Mr eaver,  to insure  of cs to knotlefield, not even at the pub.

    I drove on. t . It  undulating up and do green carpet,  a little, kind of t¡¯s like a . It makes you  to lie on it. And a bit a  for Oxford.

    I ill on my usual beat, inside trict¡¯, as t. tural t by a kind of instinct I¡¯d folloe. t y about ted to get  t I¡¯d fixed tly e of t-book and tcase in t nearer tually felt a temptation¡ªI kne going to succumb to it, and yet it emptation¡ªto c of feeling t so long as I  I ill inside t¡¯s not too late, I t. till time to do table to Pudley, for instance, see t at Pudley) and find out if any neter I could even turn round, go back to  of t.

    I slo to t I? For about a second I empted. But no! I tooted to the Oxford road.

    ell, I¡¯d done it. I  rue t five miles farted to, I could turn to t again and get back to ester for t I rictly speaking I  perfectly certain t t it.  approve of a trip of topped me if tty well everybody.

    ually  ter me already. t of t understand   ards oo  it. track. It o see t, of course, agging after ive expression, and Miss Minns rusress on  gets left be  Crum and t trodden pen-puse garden-rollers, some of ttle Austin Sevens. And all t ary, Scotland Yard, temperance League, tler and Stalin on a tandem bicycle, ter me. I could almost ing:

    ¡®to escape! t be streamlined! o Loer op him!¡¯

    It¡¯s queer. trong t I actually took a peep ttle  to make sure I  being folloy conscience, I suppose. But ty  behind me.

    I trod on ttled into ties. A fees later I  terurning. So t . I¡¯d burnt my boats. t of self in my mind t my neeeth.

 PART ¢ô-1

    I came to o go ton. But I¡¯d ed to come over Co go  past trees open out and you can see Lohe valley below you.

    It¡¯s a queer experience to go over a bit of country you  seen in ty years. You remember it in great detail, and you remember it all ances are different, and to . You keep feeling, surely to be a lot steeper¡ªsurely t turning ly accurate, but icular occasion. You¡¯ll remember, for instance, a corner of a field, on a  day in er,  it¡¯s almost blue, and a rotten gatepost covered anding in t you. And you¡¯ll go back after ty years and be surprised because t standing in t you he same expression.

    As I drove up C ture I¡¯d  in my mind  entirely imaginary. But it  t certain tarmac, o be macadam (I remember t under t seemed to  a lot rees. In to be  across t to top of tainly neo t of t of fake-picturesque -not. You kno are just a little too o stand in a roted about in a kind of colony, e roads leading up to t trance to one of te roads te board which said:

    thE KENNELS

    PEDIGREE SEALYhAM PUPS

    DOGS BOARDED

    Surely t usen¡¯t to be there?

    I t for a moment. Yes, I remembered! ood to be a little oak plantation, and trees greoo close toget tall and to be smotainly t of tohis.

    I got to top of te and Lo excited? At t of seeing it again an extraordinary feeling t started in my guts crept upo my . Five seconds more and I¡¯d be seeing it. Yes, crod on t-brake, and¡ªJesus!

    O  I didn¡¯t. You can say I  to expect it, and so I  it  even occurred to me.

    t question was, where AS Lower Binfield?

    I don¡¯t mean t it   uring to¡ªo look like from top of Creet  a quarter of a mile long, and except for a felying o t I couldn¡¯t distinguisions and o t t looked like several acres of brigly alike. A big Council ate, by t.

    But o kno mig it ory c I could see, I couldn¡¯t even make a guess at oern end of toories of glass and concrete. t accounts for to, as I began to take it in. It occurred to me t tion of t used to be about t be a good ty-five t  c  muc at t distance, but you could see it on te, rees round it, and to  of black bombing planes came over town.

    I scarted slo. You knoinuous ro of steps, all exactly t a little before I got to topped again. On t of t e neery. I stopped opposite te to  it.

    It y acres, I s a neery, s ras roug look like somet  t  in t existed. te cemetery to belong to¡ªBlackett,  it o me   only t to ty acres to dump t ting tery out o t noos its cemetery on tskirts. S a out of sig bear to be reminded of deatombstones tell you tory. t t¡¯s al  so in to every day, you sa  mind looking at t , s  too well sealed.

    I let t imagine s, cs of rees and co  t once, a kind of t used to be,  actually existed s. to gro t any fields or any bulls or any mus le ra  anyt a patcruggling among t mats, and snotty-nosed kids playing along t. All strangers! turned. And yet it ranger, t kno ter and ett and Uncle Ezekiel, and cared less, you bet.

    It¡¯s funny s. I suppose it es since I¡¯d ed at top of tually a bit out of breat t of seeing Lo used to t Loies of Peru. I braced up and faced it. After all, ? too groo live someill existed, t  instead of fields. In a fees I¡¯d be seeing it again, troug-place. I got to ttom of took t-urning, and a minute later I .

    I could remember not even remember  too begin. All I kne in treet  existed. For ¡ªa ratreet, raig and tle pub¡ªand o. Finally I pulled up beside a y apron and no  uck my  of the window.

    ¡®Beg pardon¡ªcan you tell me to t-place?¡¯

    S tell¡¯. Ans you could cut s of tressed areas. tools coming along and tried again. time I got t o t.

    ¡®Market-place? Market-place? Lessee, now. O?¡¯

    I supposed I did mean t.

    ¡®Oake t ¡®and turning¡ª¡¯

    It  seemed to me, t  a mile. ball grounds¡ªnely c even boto knoo I grasped presently o call t-place . t properly call it a square, because it icular soraffic-ligatue of a lion o  fes. It  like t. But suddenly I so a street reet!

    After all my memory  played tricks on me. I kne-place. treet. I¡¯d go ter lunco put up at tuff t in ly codd¡¯s! And a big dark so be Lilyo t¡¯s! Still a grocer¡¯s apparently. Noroug-place. t see.

    It turned aside as  into t-place. trough was gone.

    traffic-duty o stand.  t it  t to salute.

    I turned to troug to sucent t I  even looked to see anding. tered too, all except t ill it looked like one of tels, and t. It  altill t moment I  t of it once in ty years, I suddenly found t I could remember every detail of t ure,  George on a very trampling on a very fat dragon, and in t tle signature, ¡®m. Sandford, Painter amp; Carpenter¡¯. tistic-looking. You could see it ed by a real artist. St George looked a regular pansy. traps used to stand and to puke on Saturday nigo about times its size and concreted over, . I backed to one of t out.

    One ticed about t it goes in jerks. tion t stays by you for any lengtime. During t quarter of an  you could fairly describe as a s it almost like a sock in ts  top of C Lole stab s  as I stepped out of tcrilby  on to my  t it didn¡¯t matter a damn. It ubs and . Besides, I  of lunch.

    I strolled into tel ial kind of air, s, o meet me, follocase. I felt pretty prosperous, and probably I looked it. A solid business man, you¡¯d  any rate if you  seen t¡ªblue flannel e stripe, yle. It  tailor calls a ¡®reducing effect¡¯. I believe t day I could ockbroker. And say ¡¯s a very pleasant to o a nice country el  lamb and mint sauce a t it¡¯s any treat to me to stay in els, Lord knooo muc ninety- nine times out of a ¡¯s tels, like Rotom¡¯s, aying at present, t, and ts are alaps never  so smart I  . In t el, only a pub, t o let and used to do a farmers¡¯ lunc beef and Yorks dumpling and Stilton c days. It all seemed different except for t a glimpse of as I  past, and  carpet, and ing prints and copper o be, t flags underfoot, and ter mixed up -looking young ook my name at the office.

    ¡®You wisainly, sir.  name s down, sir?¡¯

    I paused. After all, t. Sty sure to kno isn¡¯t common, and t of us in t¡¯s painful to be recognized, I¡¯d been rato it.

    ¡®Boinctly. ¡®Mr George Bowling.¡¯

    ¡®Bowling, sir. B-O-A¡ªoh! B-O-? Yes, sir. And you are coming from London, sir?¡¯

    No response. Notered. S!  in turday for over ty years.

 PART ¢ô-2

    too.

    I could remember ts broelpiece and its bronzy-yello to be t colour, or  got like t from age and smoke¡ªand ting, also by m. Sandford, Painter amp; Carpenter, of ttle of tel-el-Kebir. No tyle. Brick fireplace  of it a fake t you could ted fifty yards a of some old sailing-s it didn¡¯t  eyes on t do my table, and ter came toapped t so! Not even  up ion and t it over.

    But t bad. I  sauce, and I tle of some  but made me feel  ty aying at to get off ¡¯s funny  mixed up. ime I  icking out into t, Market day, and t solid farmers table, ing on tone floor, and ity of beef and dumpling you  believe ttle tables e clotions and t it out again. And I¡¯d t t. I¡¯m little Georgie Boorcar?¡¯ And tomacally take hes off.

    It ernoon as I lay about in t it reamlined leatopped tables¡ªs, but on t. As a matter of fact I iny bit boozed and  t I could scrape acquaintance. S  till nearly tea-time t I  out.

    I strolled up to t-place and turned to t. t y-one years ago, t in tation fly, and seen it all s up and dusty,  off  cared a damn. And noails about t I couldn¡¯t remember, t of seeing it again did to my  and guts. I passed till a barber¡¯s, t. A  of t quite so good as takia. ty yards farther down. Ah!

    An arty-looking sign¡ªpainted by t t :

    ENDY¡¯S tEAShOP

    MORNING COFFEE

    hOME-MADE CAKES

    A tea-shop!

    I suppose if it c a seedsman¡¯s, it ¡¯s absurd t because you o ain  you¡¯ve got rig for t of your life, but so you do. to its name, all rigains in tanding about, t¡¯s covered e and  one  stuck some in. I didn¡¯t really  any tea, but I o see the inside.

    tly turned bot used to be to tea-rooms. As for t tbin used to stand and Fattle patco gro all over and dolled it up ic tables and  to ts! texts on t on opposite sides of ternoons! t tique style teleg tables and a er plates -not. Do you notice o make it in ty tea-rooms? It¡¯s part of tiqueness, I suppose. And instead of an ordinary ress t ea, and sen minutes getting it. You knoea¡ª Cea, so  you could t¡¯s er till you put tting almost exactly and. I could almost  a ¡®piece¡¯, as o call it, from t t gave me a most peculiar feeling t I ences and t if t simultaneously I o tell somebody t I¡¯d been born  I belonged to t I really felt) t to me. tea. t  if I  been teet into one of t me.  titute. But in to speak. I said:

    ¡®have you been in Lower Binfield long?¡¯

    Sarted, looked surprised, and didn¡¯t ansried again:

    ¡®I used to live in Lower Binfleld myself, a good while ago.¡¯

    Again no ans I couldn¡¯t  of t oo muco go in for back-c omers. Besides, s I rying to get off  elling , it  interest . I paid t.

    I o t I¡¯d been o, o kno I needn¡¯t  a face I knes. It seemed as if toion.

    to to ery. to t I didn¡¯t kno to find. I on  scytt tcre-ser and ete one anot as if till singing at eac got er all. Born in ¡®43 and ¡®departed  en Ser, as usual. Ser died in ¡®26.  a time old et  t t under a , and in tctle crosses. All gone to dust. Old obacco-coloured teetiger, and  ¡ªnot of any of t a slab of stone and God knoh.

    I found Mot. Botty good repair. ton  ttle  of t used to look like tead,  do you feel er ty years? I don¡¯t kno I¡¯ll tell you   of my mind. It¡¯s as if ted somey, Moteapot, Fattle mealy, and acles and acure, and yet in some  seem to o do ood to  of a start.

    I looked over my s o be creeping hem.

    I strolled into t t time since I got back to Lo ly feeling, or rat in a different form. Because not t all ty, sis  of lig creeping up till got pe Ser. Sies and Og tones in till apted doo  te our peill knes of it by . Even ttern to uck in my memory. Lord knohe sermon.

    .,

    of t amp;

    upright..........................

    ..................................

    to e bene

    volences .......

    ...................................

    .......................beloved wife

    Amelia, by..............iffue feven

    daughters..........................

    I remembered o puzzle me as a kid. Used to wonder wheir S¡¯s as F¡¯s, and if so, why.

    tep beanding over me. It he vicar.

    But I mean t terton, ter of fact, ever since I could remember, but since 1904 or ts. I recognized  once, te we.

    recognize me. I  tripper in a blue suit doing a bit of sigly started on talk¡ªerested in arcecture, remarkable old building tions go back to Saxon times and so on and so forts, suco try, brass effigy of Sir Roderick Bone tle of Ne did I tell  I kne all already? Did I tell  I  I¡¯d not only listened to en years and gone to ion classes, but even belonged to t Sesame and Lilies just to please . I merely follo t is five  t to say except t it doesn¡¯t look it. From t t I set eyes on o let ranger. As soon as I decently could I dropped sixpence in the Church Expenses box and bunked.

    But act, no at last I¡¯d found somebody I knew?

    Because ter ty years ually frig  !  suddenly taug time.

    I suppose old Betterton  sixty-five no y-five¡ªmy o age. e no reaky grey, like a s as soon as I sa struck me   of er all  so very old. As a boy, it occurred to me, all people over forty o me just  old  ty-five o me older ty-five seemed noy-five myself. It frightened me.

    So t¡¯s o cy, I t as I made off bet a poor old   care a damn about my age. , but I¡¯m strong and  to do. A rose smells to me no did y. A do I smell to t een, came up to pass  a tiny momentary look. No, not frigile. Only kind of e, like a y years wo  world from me, like an animal.

    I  back to ted a drink, but t open for anot for a bit, reading a Sporting and Dramatic of tly t mige yearning to get off ed to s t, even if to eeter all, I t, if sy and I¡¯m forty-five, t¡¯s fair enouganding in front of ty fireplace, making believe to  I didn¡¯t look so bad. A bit fat, no doubt, but distingue. A man of tockbroker. I put on my toniest accent and said casually:

    ¡®onderful June her we¡¯re having.¡¯

    It ty  it? Nor in t I met you somewhere before?¡¯

    But it  a success. S ans  o you like a bullet. In t split second I saaken out to dance-er, and been to one of t myself oo. Ne or no ne, I COULDN¡¯t pass for a stockbroker. Merely looked like a commercial traveller   of dougo te bar to  or two before dinner.

    t t used to  of taste in it because it  of cer. I asked the barmaid:

    ¡®ill got the brewery?¡¯

    ¡®Bessemers? Oo, NO, sir! they¡¯ve gorn. Oo, years ago¡ªlong before we come ¡®ere.¡¯

    S, er type of barmaid, ty-fivis arms told me t aken over t from taste, as a matter of fact. t bars ran round in a circle ments in bettle t see alk o kno a single one of t s even rew, wo he old days.

    ¡®I used to live in Loold  he war.¡¯

    ¡®Before t look t old.¡¯

    ¡®See some ctle.

    ¡®to¡¯s tories, I suppose.¡¯

    ¡®ell, of course tly  tories. truefitt Stockings. But of course they¡¯re making bombs nowadays.¡¯

    I didn¡¯t altoget  selling me about a young felloruefitt¡¯s factory and sometimes came to told  tockings, t understand, being easy to combine. And told me about tary aerodrome near alton¡ªt accounted for t seeing¡ªand t moment arted talking about t ly to escape t of  I¡¯d come  ¡¯s in the.

    I said it tle said   gave he creeps. She said:

    ¡®It doesn¡¯t seem to do muc, after all said and done? And sometimes I lie a nig to myself, ¡°ell, no o drop a bomb rigop of me!¡± And all todgers, selling you it¡¯ll be all riguff to dig a ser under to it is,  a gas- mask on a baby?¡¯

    ttle said  you ougo get into a  batill it  of a by-play on t of  into told t to get saucy, and t up t a couple more pints of old and mild. I took a suck at my beer. It uff. Bitter, t. And it ter, rigoo bitter, a kind of sulpaste. Co beer noo co beer. I found myself t Uncle Ezekiel,   A.R.P. and ts of sand you¡¯re supposed to put te bombs out o my side of the bar I said:

    ¡®By t the hall nowadays?¡¯

    e alo call it ts name o understand.

    ¡®the hall, sir?¡¯

    ¡®¡®E means Binfield ¡®Ouse,¡¯ said ttle.

    ¡®O you meant t¡¯s Dr Merrall¡¯s got Binfield house now.¡¯

    ¡®Dr Merrall?¡¯

    ¡®Yes, sir.  more ty patients up they say.¡¯

    ¡®Patients? urned it into a al, or something?¡¯

    ¡®ell¡ªit¡¯s not orium. It¡¯s mental patients, reely.  tal home.¡¯

    A loony-bin!

    But after all, ?

 PART ¢ô-3

    I cra of bed aste in my mouth and my bones creaking.

    t , tle of  lunc dinner, and several pints in betoo muco drink tes I stood in t, gazing at noticular and too done-in to make a move. You kno god-a sometimes in t¡¯s a feeling c it says to you clearer t? C up, old cick your he gas oven!¡¯

    teet to t beginning to slant over t ts on treet. t look

    eigreet off t-place te a croream of clerkly-looking cs cion, just as if ting for tube, and traggling up to- place in t I¡¯d  erlopers! ty te-cras even knoy eetcuff t nobody ed to listen to about t y and forty years ago. C! I t, I o t I  myself. I¡¯m dead and they¡¯re alive.

    But after breakfast¡ªoast and marmalade, and a pot of coffee¡ªI felt better. t breakfasting in t get rid of t in t blue flannel suit of mine I looked just a little bit distingue. By God! I t, if I¡¯m a g, I¡¯ll BE a g! I¡¯ll  of black magic on some of tards wolen my own from me.

    I started out, but I¡¯d got no fart-place ed to see. A procession of about fifty screet in column of fours¡ªquite military, t-major. te, and blue border and BRItONS PREPARE on it in ters. t on to ep to  to h shiny black hair and a dull kind of face.

    ¡® are those kids doing?¡¯

    ¡®It¡¯s tice,¡¯ ising, like. t¡¯s Miss todgers, t is.¡¯

    I mig odgers. You could see it in oug¡¯s al in cacs, Y..C.A. els, and . S and skirt t somerong impression t s, tually s. I kneo  I ting out at t-major yell, ¡®Monica! Lift your feet up!¡¯ and I sa te, and blue border, and in the middle

    E ARE READY. ARE YOU?

    ¡® do t to marco the barber.

    ¡®I dunno. I s¡¯pose it¡¯s kind of propaganda, like.¡¯

    I kne t t of it, tmas, so doo t argue. t black planes from alton ern end of to, arts it  surprise us any more tening for t bomb. t on to tell me t to Miss todgers¡¯s efforts their gas-masks already.

    ell, I started to explore to just ify. And all t time I never ran across a soul t kne actually invisible, I felt like it.

    It ell you. Did you ever read a story of  a c once¡ª t¡¯s to say,  ion t  ttom of t instead of tables and cer crabs and cuttlefis to get   like t. For   t my paces as I  do and treet and slap t  petrol pump is really an elm tree. And ments. And treet (it tle roaco go ie Simmons, and t-bus I got tances  tions reets tle as ty years ago. It ryside ion from ter suburbs. Nearly t used to be old Bree. t my first fis over, so t I couldn¡¯t even say exactly o stand. It le red cubes of   pato t door. Beyond tate to a bit, but t. And ttle knots of o buy a plot of land, and t roads leading up to ty lots s of ruined fields covered les and tin cans.

    In tre of to c. A lot of till doing trade, alt. Lillyill a draper¡¯s, but it didn¡¯t look too prosperous.  used to be Gravitt¡¯s, tc sold radio parts. Mottle ¡¯s ill a grocer¡¯s, but it aken over by ternational. It gives you an idea of t te old skinflint like Grimmett. But from o mention t slap-up tombstone in t  out o fifteen to take to  ill in to enormous dimensions, and t of to turned into a kind of general store and sold furniture, drugs, uff.

    For t part of t actually groaning and rattling a c sometimes feeling t I¡¯d like to. Also I  as soon as I got to Loarted on ter t to open quite early enougongue  ime.

    Mind you, I  in time. Sometimes it seemed to me t it didn¡¯t matter a damn if Loed. After all, o get a do all ted to do, even go fis like it. On turday afternoon I even  to tackle sreet and boug-cane rod (I¡¯d al-cane rod as a boy¡ªit¡¯s a little bit dearer t) and  and so fortmospever else cackle doesn¡¯t¡ª because, of course, fis c see anyt middle-aged man buying a fisrary, le talk about t on a paste made of bro tell  I ed tted it to myself¡ªbougrongest salmon trace , and some No. 5 roaco t Binfield ill existed.

    Most of Sunday morning I ing it in my mind¡ªs I? One moment I¡¯d t, and t moment it o me t it  one of t you dream about and don¡¯t ever do. But in ternoon I got t and drove doo Burford eir. I t I¡¯d just  tomorro, maybe I¡¯d take my ne and grey flannel bags I case, and  like it.

    I drove over C ttom turns off and runs parallel to to out of t of little red and , of course. And to be a lot of cars standing about. As I got nearer to tiddle-tiddle-plonk!¡ªyes, the sound of gramphones.

    I rounded t of to! Anot. ter-meadoo be¡ªtea- mac kiosks, and c as e. I remember to for miles, and except for t tes, and noen I¡¯ve sat ternoon, and a  be standing in ter fifty yards up t be anyone passing to scare   gro go fisions, tinuous c til it struck me t t be some fiss¡ªros, canoes, punts, motor-launc to noting and most of ts of trying to fisor-boats.

    I tle y, cer, in spite of tc even minnoo. A cro  actually, as I cs rocking up and doubs and ted cill fis be. And yet I¡¯ll ser isn¡¯t t used to be. Its colour is quite different. Of course you t¡¯s merely my imagination, but I can tell you it isn¡¯t so. I knoer er as it used to be, a kind of luminous green t you could see deep into, and t see to ter no¡¯s all broy,  from tor-boats, not to mention the paper bags.

    After a bit I turned back. Couldn¡¯t stand t¡¯s Sunday, I t. Mig be so bad on a  after all, I kne t ¡®em keep t  be in thames.

    t me. Croroop of girls came past, tomed trousers and ed on teen s  urned aside and  tell your fortune as ten card came sliding out.

    ¡®You are tional gifts,¡¯ I read, ¡®but oo excessive modesty you  you underrate your abilities. You are too fond of standing aside and alloo take t for ionate, and alo your friends. You are deeply attractive to te sex. Your  fault is generosity. Persevere, for you will rise high!

    ¡®eigone 11 pounds.¡¯

    I¡¯d put on four pounds in t ticed. Must he booze.

 PART ¢ô-4

    I drove back to te cup of tea. As it  open for anot out and strolled up in tion of the church.

    I  crossing t-place tle  I¡¯d seen  feeling. I couldn¡¯t see  tify and yet I could have sworn I knew her.

    S up treet and turned doreets to t, to  quite knoy, perly as a kind of precaution. My first t   last  almost at t it struck me t it  as likely t s Bletc case I¡¯d o cep, because if s I o iously, keeping at a safe distance and examining riking about it. Sallistis y or fifty, in a rat on, as t slipped out of , and t   of a slut. And yet to identify, only t vague somet s, perly s to a little s and paper stle s al it anding in to a stand of postcards. My opped to pass time of day.

    I stopped too, as soon as I could find a send to be looking into. It or¡¯s, full of samples of tings and time I  fifteen yards a ime of day. ¡®Yes, t¡¯s jest about it. t¡¯s jest o  else do you expect?¡± I said. It don¡¯t seem rig? But  as alk to a stone. It¡¯s a sting  be one of ter all,  toers of ! It was Elsie!

    Yes, it  fat hag!

    It gave me suc, mind you, seeing Elsie, but seeing  for a moment t of my eyes. taps and ballstops and porcelain sinks and to fade ao tance, so t I bot see t I  s recognize me. But s made any sign. A moment more, and surned and  on. Again I follo  I   I just o

    sion on me. In a manner of speaking I¡¯d been c I ce different eyes now.

    It  a kind of scientific kick out of studying ¡¯s frig ty- four years can do to a y-four years, and te skin and red mouturned into t round-sed  made me feel doe so completely as t. I¡¯m fat, I grant you. I¡¯m t at least I¡¯m A s even particularly fat, sly to , it  a kind of soft lumpy cylinder, like a bag of meal.

    I folloo of mean little streets I didn¡¯t kno t in, it  outside tioner and tobacconist.¡¯ So Elsie  tle sopped before, but smaller and a lot more flyblo seem to sell anyt tobacco and t kinds of ss. I  ake a minute or t in. I o brace my nerve up a little before I did it, because to be some hard lying if by any chance she recognized me.

    So t sapped on ter. So o face. A recognize me. Just looked at me t tomers¡ªutter lack of interest.

    It  time I¡¯d seen ed  gave me almost as big a s first moment  to be able to foresee ¡¯ll look like ¡¯s all a question of t if it o me, y and sy-to  forty-seven, it   s. t  type of middle-aged   like a bulldog? Great underurned do tly like a bulldog. And yet it  in a million.  completely grey, it y colour, and t to be. S kno a customer, a stranger, an uninteresting fat man. It¡¯s queer  can do. I  s expecting to see me, or  of all¡ªsten my existence.

    ¡®Devening,¡¯ s listless hey have.

    ¡®I  a pipe,¡¯ I said flatly. ¡®A briar pipe.¡¯

    ¡®A pipe. No lemme see. I know we gossome pipes somewhere. Now where did I¡ªah! ¡®Ere we are.¡¯

    Sook a cardboard box full of pipes from some imagining t, because my oandards  no, so be so ¡®superior¡¯, all t Lily and pretended to look thpiece.

    ¡®Amber? I don¡¯t kno any¡ª¡¯ surned tohe shop and called: ¡®Ge-orge!¡¯

    So too. A noise t sounded somethe shop.

    ¡®Ge-orge!  t other box of pipes?¡¯

    George came in. outissleeves, rainer moustacive kind of ed in tea. tarted poking round in searc  five minutes before t to earttles of ss. It¡¯s  of litter to accumulate in ttle sock is  fifty quid.

    I c among tter and mumbling to s of an old rying to describe to you . A kind of cold, deadly desolate feeling. You can¡¯t conceive it unless you¡¯ve . All I can say is, if to care about ty-five years ago, go and   I felt.

    But as a matter of fact, t t urn out from . times I¡¯d s under tnut trees! ouldn¡¯t you t er-effect be time , and  as mucrangers as t. As for  even recognize me. If I told  remember. And if s  even be angry because I¡¯d done ty on  hing had never happened.

    And on t Elsie o go to t least one ot ¡¯s safe to bet t  surprise me to learn t sogetreated ion about t, and many a time it reets, I used to tick imes I felt I¡¯d been a bit of a bastard, but otimes I reflected (rue enoug if it  been me it less s? A damn sig t gone to to t ended up like everybody else, a fat old  a frotle saco call  a string of kids as ed and died lamented¡ªand migcy-court, if she was lucky.

    t any hem.

    ¡®I don¡¯t kno any amber ones just at present, sir. Not amber. e gossome nice vulcanite ones.¡¯

    ¡®I ed an amber one,¡¯ I said.

    ¡®e gossome nice pipes ¡®ere.¡¯ S. ¡®t¡¯s a nice pipe, no one is.¡¯

    I took it. Our fingers toucion. t remember. And I suppose you t t for old sake¡¯s sake, to put . But not a bit of it. I didn¡¯t  t smoke a pipe. I¡¯d merely been making a pretext to come into turned it over in my fingers and t it doer.

    ¡®Doesn¡¯t matter, I¡¯ll leave it,¡¯ I said. ¡®Give me a small Players¡¯.¡¯

    o buy someter all t fuss. George ted out a packet of Players¡¯, still muncacea for not it seemed too damn silly to e  and t  I ever saw of Elsie.

    I  back to ter out o tures, if t instead I landed up in one of t of too a couple of caffordsravelling in  talking about tate of trade, and playing darts and drinking Guinness. By closing time t I o take taxi, and I  under t morning I han ever.

 PART ¢ô-5

    But I o see t Binfield house.

    I felt really bad t morning. t  ever since I struck Lo continuously from every opening time to every closing time. t  occurred to me till te,  really to do. t rip ed to so far¡ªthe booze.

    to tcs and scling to and fro. My enemies, I t. t¡¯s sacked to if it  to find Loo a kind of Dagen  like to see tting fuller and country turning into to it isn¡¯t t at all. I don¡¯t mind to merely spread like gravy over a tableclot people  to o live, and t if a factory isn¡¯t in one place it¡¯ll be in anoturesqueness, trified stuff, ter dis- not, it merely gives me tever  picturesque. Motiques t endy  like gateleg tables¡ªs your legs¡¯. As for pey greasy stuff¡¯, s. And yet, say   no you probably can¡¯t reamlined milk-bar o look for it, and I  found it. And yet some even no got my teet for an aspirin and a cup of tea.

    And t started me t t Binfield er seeing o too see ed. And yet it migoor-oil and paper bags. But maybe till t black fisill cruising round it. Maybe, even, it ill  day to t existed. It e possible. It  of ten brusrees gave o oaks round about t people don¡¯t care to penetrate. Queerer things have happened.

    I didn¡¯t start out till late afternoon. It must   four  and drove on to t and stopped and trees began. t took t-o make a detour round and come back to Binfield  presently I stopped to  trees seemed just to a bit of grass beside t out and  tillness, t beds of rustling leaves t seem to go on from year to year  rotting. Not a creature stirring except tree-tops   easy to believe t t great noisy mess of a too make my tle copse, in tion of Binfield . And Lord! Yes! t and apult ss, and Sid Lovegrove told us  my first fisty near forty years ago!

    As trees t again you could see tting  up a op, suc to see round a loony-bin. I¡¯d puzzled for some time about o get into Binfield il finally it ruck me t I¡¯d only to tell to put er t te ready to s I probably looked prosperous enougo e asylum. It  till I ually at te t it occurred to me to he grounds.

    ty acres, I suppose, and t likely to be more ten. t  a great pool of er for to droo live,  tes  tes I  ypes ¡ªloonies, I suppose. I strolled up to t. to fis mig to tside trees seemed to  muche pool.

    I stood for a moment, . t it rees s edge. It looked all bare and different, in fact it looked extraordinarily like ton Gardens. Kids s and paddling, and a fe in ttle canoes , - o stand among t of pavilion and a s kiosk, and a e notice saying UPPER BINFIELD MODEL YACht CLUB.

    I looked over to t. It  used to gro tropical jungle, . Only a ferees still standing round ty- looking udor colonies like t day at top of C a fool I¡¯d been to imagine t till t  tiny bit of copse,   been cut do  on my -sized to it lying chunk of Lower Binfield.

    I o t and making to be ser looked kind of dead. No fis noanding cufts of  s and sandals and one of ts open at ticed, but ruck me  kind of t you from beacles. I could see t o do s¡ªin eit ones for Nature and t me as if o speak.

    ¡®Upper Binfield¡¯s gro deal,¡¯ I said.

    me.

    ¡®Groo groional people up  a little colony of us all by ourselves. No interlopers¡ªte-hee!¡¯

    ¡®I mean compared o live here as a boy.¡¯

    ¡®O. t ime, of course. But tate is sometates, you knoe a little s okin, tect. You¡¯ve  of Nature up oion of Loanic mills¡ªte-hee!¡¯

    old c. Immediately, as telling me all about tate and young Edkin, tect,  ridiculous prices. And suceresting young felloe t parties. ed a number of times t tional people in Upper Binfield, quite different from Loermined to enricryside instead of defiling it (I¡¯m using  any public ate.

    ¡®talk of ties. But y¡ªte-ure!¡¯   of trees. ¡®t brooding round us. Our young people groural beauty. e are nearly all of us enlig t ters of us up arians? tc like us at all¡ªte-e eminent people live ¡ªyou¡¯ve ic cer!  into t find  mealtimes. ¡ªte- a  sceptical. But ograp convincing.¡¯

    I began to arianism, simple life, poetry, nature- a feo sate. t of t resses t don¡¯t buttress anyte bird-bater elves you can buy at ts¡¯? You could see in your mind¡¯s eye ters and simple-lifers  lived ts  let ake me far. Some of t a . I tried to damp  object to living so near tic asylum, but it didn¡¯t . Finally I stopped and said:

    ¡®to be anot can¡¯t be far from here.¡¯

    ¡®Anot. I don¡¯t ther pool.¡¯

    ¡®t off,¡¯ I said. ¡®It ty deep pool. It  behind.¡¯

    For t time  uneasy. he rubbed his nose.

    ¡®O understand our life up ive. t so. But being so far from toary arrangements are not altogetisfactory. t-cart only calls once a month, I believe.¡¯

    ¡®You mean turned to a rubbish-dump?¡¯

    ¡®ell, ture of a¡ª¡¯  to dispose of tins and so fort clump of trees.¡¯

    e  across t a ferees to . But yes, t   made a great round y or ty feet deep. Already it was in cans.

    I stood looking at tin cans.

    ¡®It¡¯s a pity t,¡¯ I said. ¡®to be some big fis pool.¡¯

    ¡®Fis t. Of course  it ime.¡¯

    ¡®I suppose t a good long time?¡¯ I said.

    ¡®Oen or fifteen years, I think.¡¯

    ¡®I used to kno  any  Binfield  t little bit of copse over t c on my way here.¡¯

    ¡®A! t is sacrosanct. e o build in it. It is sacred to ture, you kno me, a kind of roguisting me into a little secret: ¡®e call it the Pixy Glen.¡¯

    t rid of  back to to Loin cans. God rot t t you like¡ª call it silly, c doesn¡¯t it make you puke sometimes to see o England, er gnomes, and tin cans, wo be?

    Sentimental, you say? Anti-social? Oug to prefer trees to men? I say it depends rees and  t t it, except to wiss.

    One t as I drove doion of getting back into t. ¡¯s trying to revisit t exist. Coming up for air! But t any air. tbin t ratosp particularly care. After all, I t, I¡¯ve still got t. I¡¯d  of peace and quiet, and stop bot o Lower Binfield. As for my idea of going fis was off, of course. Fis my age! Really, .

    I dumped to t  in time to  fe gave me a bit of a jolt, I admit. For the words I heard were:

    ¡®¡ªwhere his wife, hilda Bowling, is seriously ill.¡¯

    t instant t on: ¡®e,   to  raig made me feel rat it over after urned an eyelas even a pause in my step to let anyone kno I e s in ter. Ot a couple of caying at t kno I kept my  a sign to anyone. I merely o te bar,  as usual.

    I o t over. By time I¡¯d drunk about  I began to get tuation. In t place,  ill, seriously or ot. Sly  time of t kind. She was shamming. hy?

    Obviously it  anot   I  really at Birming ting me  bear to t otake it for granted t I  imagine any otive. And naturally s I¡¯d come rushing home as soon as I heard she was ill.

    But t¡¯s just   to myself as I finis. I¡¯m too cute to be caug raordinary trouble sake to catc. I¡¯ve even kno to see rut my movements. And t time  in on me at temperance el. And t time, unfortunately, so be rig least, s, but tances est belief t s, I kne say exactly how.

    I  and tter. Of course t  t t. Curiously enoug to look for urned out not to exist, t of o me all t  t peace s it. And suddenly I decided t I OULD  like it. It y-minded, and besides,  isn¡¯t true?

    But as t o amuse me. I  fallen for it, but it  t to or¡¯s certificate, or do you just send your name in? I felt pretty sure it  o it. It seemed to me to ouch.

    But all t! t imes you can¡¯t hem.

 PART ¢ô-6

    After breakfast I strolled out into t-place. It ill,  like  t of great black bombers came o be bang overhead.

    t moment I  t, if you¡¯d o be teresting instance of ioned reflex. Because ion of mistake¡ªle of a bomb. I  y years, but I didn¡¯t need to be told   taking any kind of t I did t thing. I flung myself on my face.

    After all I¡¯m glad you didn¡¯t see me. I don¡¯t suppose I looked dignified. I tened out on t like a rat ed so quickly t in t second o be afraid t it ake and I¡¯d made a fool of myself for nothing.

    But t moment¡ªah!

    BOOM-BRRRRR!

    A noise like t, and ton of coal falling on to a s of tin. t o kind of melt into t. ¡®It¡¯s started,¡¯ I t. ¡®I kne! Old ler didn¡¯t . Just sent  warning.¡¯

    And yet  aop to toe, I ime to t t ting of a big projectile.  does it sound like? It¡¯s o say, because ing metal. You seem to see great ss of iron bursting open. But t gives you of being suddenly s reality. It¡¯s like being er over you. You¡¯re suddenly dragged out of your dreams by a clang of bursting metal, and it¡¯s terrible, and it¡¯s real.

    ting for didn¡¯t fall. I raised my tle. On every side people seemed to be ruso t I e face, rat me. hering:

    ¡® is it? ¡¯s  are they doing?¡¯

    ¡®It¡¯s started,¡¯ I said. ¡®t was a bomb. Lie down.¡¯

    But still t fall. Anoter of a minute or so, and I raised my ill rus, otanding as if to t  a black jet of smoke reaming upraordinary sig t-place treet rises a little. And dotle  of  moment, of course, I sa   pigs at all, it ing for some cellar o take cover in case of air-raids. At t a taller pig  I tell you for a moment tly like a herd of pigs.

    I picked myself up and -place. People e a little croohe bomb had dropped.

    O, of course. It  a German aeroplane after all. t broken out. It . to do a bit of bombing practice¡ªat any rate t ake. I expect  a good ticking off for it. By time t tmaster o ask  t, everyone  it . But time, somete and five minutes,  didn¡¯t last any longer. Anoter of an  spy.

    I follotle side-street off treet, to   fifty yards from ened and getting a big kick out of it. Luckily I got tes before te of ty people or so t ed I sahing.

    At first sig looked as if tables. t of existence. to t of it  of its roof blo  . Its  joined tly as if someone   raordinary  in tairs rooms notouc  like looking into a doll¡¯s s-of-dra made, and a jerry under tly as it  t one  t tful smaser, cs of a varnisableclotes, and creak of marmalade be t in among t a leg, rouser still on it and a black boot  people were oo-ing and a.

    I  it and took it in. to get mixed up o to pack my bag.

    t. I¡¯m going  as a matter of fact I didn¡¯t s off my sely. One never does.  and about and discuss it for  muc of Lo day, everyone oo busy talking about t it sounded like and   t fair gave  did you expect, it just s ten off part of ongue oo t turned out t o taken it for granted t it  tocking factory. After t of try sent a co inspect t saying t ts of ting¡¯. As a matter of fact it only killed tt  door. t muc, and tified ts, but trace of Perrott. Not even a trouser-button to read the burial service over.

    In ternoon I paid my bill and . I didn¡¯t  after I¡¯d paid to cut it out of you try els, and  pretty freely. I left my ne of tackle in my bedroom. Let ¡®em keep it. No use to me. It  I¡¯d co teac t. Fat men of forty-five can¡¯t go fis kind of t ¡¯s just a dream, the grave.

    It¡¯s funny o you by degrees.   ual moment, of course, it scared ts out of me, and  from seeing a street-accident. Disgusting, of course. Quite enougo make me fed-up  it  really made much impression.

    But as I got clear of tskirts of Lourned t all came back to me. You kno gets your ts running in a certain rimes ¡¯s a feeling of being able to see tter perspective t I¡¯d been doubtful about I felt certain about noo begin o Loion in my mind. ¡¯s a back to to live, or is it gone for ever? ell, I¡¯d o go back to Lo put Jonao t expect you to follorain of t. And it ucked a corner t I could step back into , and finally I¡¯d stepped back into it and found t it didn¡¯t exist. I¡¯d co my dreams, and lest take t.N.t.

    ar is coming. 1941, ty of broken crockery, and little s of tered accountant¡¯s clerk plastered over t   kind of tter, anyell you ay in Lo¡¯S ALL GOING tO  at terrified of, t you tell yourself are just a nigries. truncs, ting out of bedroom ¡¯s all going to ¡ªat any rate, I kne t against it if you like, or look tend not to notice, or grab your spanner and rus to do a bit of face-smas t. It¡¯s just somet¡¯s got to happen.

    I trod on ttle rees and fields of ill tty nearly red-. I felt in muc t day in January  my neeet  seemed to me t I could see t, and all t¡¯ll o all of times, of course, even t or t¡¯s a tice ¡¯s reassuring. tretcy. It¡¯s like Siberia. And ttle grocers¡¯ s¡¯s too big to be co remain more or less tly I struck into outer London and follo lives inside t London stretcreets, squares, back-alleys, tenements, blocks of flats, pubs, fried-fisure-y miles, and all t million people tle private lives  to ered. t made t could smas out of existence. And t! teness of all tting out tball coupons, Bill illiams sories in t million of to keep on  to?

    Illusion! Baloney! It doesn¡¯t matter . times are coming, and treamlined men are coming too. ¡¯s coming after kno erests me. I only kno if t, better say good-bye to it noo ttling all time.

    But o the suburb my mood suddenly changed.

    It suddenly struck me¡ªand it  even crossed my mind till t moment¡ªt  really be ill after all.

    t¡¯s t of environment, you see. In Loaken it absolutely for granted t s ill and  me  ural at time, I don¡¯t knoo est Bletcate closed round me like a kind of red-brick prison,  is, ts of t came back. I  bloody rot it  I¡¯d ed t five days on. Sneaking off to Loo try and recover t, and t of propic baloney about ture. ture! ¡¯s ture got to do ¡¯s our future. As for ill t tter.

    And suddenly I sao t. Of course t a fake! As tion! It  trut s all, s t s be lying some sent a most  t of dreadful cold feeling in my guts. I y miles an ead of taking to topped outside t.

    So I¡¯m fond of er all, you say! I don¡¯t knoly , but you can¡¯t imagine yourself  it. It¡¯s part of you. ell, t¡¯s  about  stick t of  t t s be dead or even in pain sent through me.

    I fumbled  tos me.

    ¡®hilda!¡¯ I yelled. ¡®hilda!¡¯

    No ans I ter silence, and some cold s started out on my backbone. Maybe ted o al already¡ªmaybe tairs in ty house.

    I started to dasairs, but at t t of t e t  beginning to fail. Lorna ers.

    ¡®Oo, Daddy! Oo, it¡¯s Daddy! oday? Mummy said you  coming till Friday.¡¯

    ¡®her?¡¯ I said.

    ¡®Mummy¡¯s out. S out oday, Daddy?¡¯

    ¡®t been ill?¡¯

    ¡®No. ho said she¡¯d been ill? Daddy! have you been in Birmingham?¡¯

    ¡®Yes. Get back to bed, noching cold.¡¯

    ¡®But ws, Daddy?¡¯

    ¡® presents?¡¯

    ¡®ts you¡¯ve bought us from Birmingham.¡¯

    ¡®You¡¯ll see the morning,¡¯ I said.

    ¡®Oo, Daddy! Can¡¯t onight?¡¯

    ¡®No. Dry up. Get back to bed or I¡¯ll he pair of you.¡¯

    So s ill after all. So be glad or sorry. I turned back to t door, h.

    I looked at o of t. It o t less tes earlier I¡¯d been in teual cold s on my backbone, at t t s be dead. ell, s dead, s as usual. Old oss t you invariably come back to, ternal verities as old Porteous calls t  in too good a temper. Sed me a little quick look, like simes tle tance, mig seem surprised to see me back, however.

    ¡®Oh, so you¡¯re back already, are you?¡¯ she said.

    It seemed pretty obvious t I  anso kiss me.

    ¡®t on promptly. t¡¯s o say sometant you set foot inside t expecting you. You¡¯ll just o  I don¡¯t t any cheese.¡¯

    I folloos into tting-room. I s tc. I meant to get my say in first, and I kne ter if I took a strong line from tart.

    ¡®No trick on me?¡¯

    S laid op of t she looked genuinely surprised.

    ¡® trick?  do you mean?¡¯

    ¡®Sending out t S.O.S.!¡¯

    ¡® S.O.S.?  are you tALKING about, George?¡¯

    ¡®Are you trying to tell me you didn¡¯t get to send out an S.O.S. saying you were seriously ill?¡¯

    ¡®Of course I didn¡¯t!  ill.   for?¡¯

    I began to explain, but almost before I began I saake. I¡¯d only  fe ory. It just upid mistake t¡¯s altle bit of imagination I¡¯d credited erest in tes or so er all. But t c trouble of some kind coming. And tioning me in  quiet and kind of chful.

    ¡®So you el at Birmingham?¡¯

    ¡®Yes. Last nigional Broadcast.¡¯

    ¡®hen?¡¯

    ¡®t t in case to lie my  of it. Left at ten, lunc Coventry, tea at Bedford¡ªI¡¯d got it all mapped out.)

    ¡®So you t last nig even leave till this morning?¡¯

    ¡®But I tell you I didn¡¯t t I explained? I t it  anotricks. It sounded a damn sight more likely.¡¯

    ¡®t at all!¡¯ s I kne s on more quietly: ¡®So you left this morning, did you?¡¯

    ¡®Yes. I left about ten. I  Coventry¡ª¡¯

    ¡®t for t out at me, and in tant sook out a piece of paper, and  out as if it hing.

    I felt as if someone  me a sock in t ! S me after all. And t even kno  t it  proved I¡¯d been off uffing  out of me. A moment earlier I¡¯d been kind of bullying  to be angry because I¡¯d been dragged back from Birmingurned tables on me. You don¡¯t o tell me  t moment. I kno ten all over me in big letters¡ªI kno even guilty! But it¡¯s a matter of . I¡¯m used to being in t  t out of my voice as I answered:

    ¡® do you mean? ¡¯s t t there?¡¯

    ¡®You read it and you¡¯ll see  is.¡¯

    I took it. It ter from o be a firm of solicitors, and it reet as Rotom¡¯s el, I noticed.

    ¡®Dear Madam,¡¯ I read, ¡®ito your letter of t.,  be some mistake. Rotom¡¯s el o a block of offices. No one ansion of your husband has been here. Possibly¡ª¡¯

    I didn¡¯t read any furt all in a flastle bit too clever and put my foot in it. t one faint ray of  ten to post tter I¡¯d addressed from Rotom¡¯s, in  possible I could brazen it out. But  t idea.

    ¡®ell, George, you see ter says? t e to Rotom¡¯s el¡ªo a little note, asking t! t even any suctom¡¯s el. And t, I got your letter saying you  tel. You got someone to post it for you, I suppose. t was your business in Birmingham!¡¯

    ¡®But look  all t isn¡¯t  all. You don¡¯t understand.¡¯

    ¡®Oand PERFECtLY.¡¯

    ¡®But look here, hilda¡ª¡¯

    asn¡¯t any use, of course. It  even meet urned and tried to make for the door.

    ¡®I¡¯ll o take to the garage,¡¯ I said.

    ¡®O get out of it like t. You¡¯ll stay en to  to say, please.¡¯

    ¡®But, damn it! I¡¯ve got to scs on,  I? It¡¯s past ligime. You don¡¯t  us to get fined?¡¯

    At t s me go, and I  out and scs on, but anding tters, mine and tor¡¯s on table in front of  a little of my nerve back, and I ry:

    ¡®Listen,  ick about thing.¡¯

    ¡®I¡¯m sure YOU could explain anytion is wher I¡¯d believe you.¡¯

    ¡®But you¡¯re just jumping to conclusions!  made you e to tel people, anyway?¡¯

    ¡®It  turned out.¡¯

    ¡®O? So you don¡¯t mind letting t blasted o our private affairs?¡¯

    ¡®S need any letting in. It o to tell , you see. S you, George. So  like you.¡¯

    ¡®But, hilda¡ª¡¯

    I looked at e under t does w rue!

    And Gos I could see a it¡¯s like. tly nagging and sulking, and tty remarks after you te, and ting to kno¡¯s all about. But  me doal squalor, tal atmospo Lo even be conceivable. t  t. If I spent a o o Loo be fading out of my mind. o Lo seemed meaningless. Not gas bills, sche office on Monday.

    One more try:

    ¡®But look  you t you¡¯re absolutely o you you¡¯re wrong.¡¯

    ¡®Oo tell all those lies?¡¯

    No getting a, of course.

    I took a pace or tosrong. ?  ture and t, seeing t ture and t don¡¯t matter? ever motives I miger-alin, bombs, macrunc , all fading out. Not a vulgar looshes.

    One last try:

    ¡® listen to me a minute. Look  know whis week, do you?¡¯

    ¡®I don¡¯t  to kno¡¯s quite enough for me.¡¯

    ¡®But das¡ª¡¯

    Quite useless, of course. Sy and noell me  migake a couple of er t trouble looming up, because presently it o o rip, and t I¡¯d been  on  teen quid. Really t go on till ted  resistance. And in my mind I ran over ties, which were:

    A. to tell  I¡¯d really been doing and somehow make her believe me.

    B. to pull t losing my memory.

    C. to let  ake my medicine.

    But, damn it! I knew w would o be.

    thE END